110: Secrets to Attracting and Mastering Relationships with Rachel DeAlto

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Welcome to the earn your happy podcast.

I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss.

Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear. Clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the earn your happy podcast. And I loved talking to my guest today. And I can't wait for you to meet Rachel Dialto. She is a relationship expert, a coach, a television host, a motivational speaker, an author, and she has been featured on A E's hit show married at first sight. She also is the host of FYI's Kiss Bang Love, which is a provocative social experiment based on the science of kissing. And you guys, we had such a fun conversation. I asked her questions like, what questions do you wish more people would ask you about relationships? Why are you so passionate about relationships? When do we know if a relationship is worth saving or not? And what is it about some relationships that work out while others don't? So, you guys, I cannot wait for you to listen to this amazing conversation. So let's get started. Rachel, I'm so excited to have you on the show today. Thank you so much for coming on.

Oh, my gosh, thank you for having me. It's an honor to be here.

So I have so many questions for you. Because you are a relationship consultant, a relationship expert, you've basically covered every single topic under the sun. But I would love if you would share with us how you started to get into this.

It's so funny because I get this all the time, especially from fans of the shows. They're like, how does a lawyer turn into a relationship expert? And it's a really good question, but it really is something I fell into. I started off in the love industry with a company that I started, actually it's about nine years ago, and I started doing media and press for the company. And then all of a sudden people were calling me and saying, would you coach me? And I had no idea what the coaching industry was. I had no idea what any of that was. And I really, coming from a law background, I'm all about education and certification. Know having Having a lot of tests, I don't know, tests make me feel like I know what I'm doing. So I'm like, give me all the schooling. And I went back and found a really extensive coaching program and just really started to integrate kind of my natural desire to help people come together, which I did even as a lawyer, into this kind of new field of helping people with love. So it's something I just, it's interesting when you find your path of how quickly it all opens up to that. And I feel like that's what happened with me. It just was meant to be that way and it just opened all the doors in front of me and I just keep walking through them.

So I love that. And that's how things happen. So what are some of the questions that you get asked the most?

Well, it depends. I mean, I get a lot of people who want to find love, so obviously that's something that people are always asking me, how do I go about it, what's keeping me from it? And then I do get a lot of questions from couples of, you know, what are we doing wrong? Which I don't think anyone's doing anything wrong. It's just they're doing things that need to be adjusted for their own relationship. So it's typically, they can be very specific, but they're specifically repetitive around kind of those areas.

Oh, so let's start there. I live in LA. I've been married 11 years. I've been with my husband for like, I don't know, 15 years. So I'm pretty ancient. But it's as far as relationships. Right? What is, is that like five or six LA marriages? I'm not sure.

12.

I know they're like, oh my God. So that's a question that I hear all the time though from a lot of different women that I meet. It's like, I swear I live in the land of these amazing, brilliant, mind blowing success women who feel like they can't find a man. And I really wish that I had more to tell them. So what would you say to women like that who are like, I don't even know where to start looking for love in the city.

It's interesting. So, and it really, I've definitely seen this over and over again. And even in my circle of friends where the more powerful, the more intelligent, the more beautiful, the more they have their stuff together, the harder it becomes. And I think part of this is one understanding that the more you are, the more you expect. And that is going to narrow your field any of those women could be in a relationship, anybody could be in a relationship. But the more, you know, the more you want. And I think that's where we end up. In a place where, you know, you're not going to find your person just by walking out the door the first day you decide to go look for them. You have to understand that it might take time, it might take a process. So, you know, I think that's a big thing. Also understanding the intimidation factor, and I've seen that happen over and over. I've seen that happen personally where I'm like, oh, you realize I don't need you, I want you, but I don't need you. And just understanding that a lot of it's very self awareness and just entering the dating arena in a way that you kind of can understand it from that perspective.

So what does that process look like, you know, if you, so if, if you do realize and you do become self aware that, wow, you have really high expectations. How are you supposed to go into something if you feel like you maybe deserve more?

Well, and that's the thing. I think the expectations are kind of the killer. You can desire things, but don't expect every man you meet to live up to them. And I think getting very clear is something that I've, you know, consistently work with my clients on for the last decade. Now is when they sit down in front of me, I ask them, what are four things that you can't live without? I'm only giving you four things. You have to pick four areas and they can't be like, he has to be 6 foot 4 and you know, chest size of XYZ. No, I'm talking about like, what are four characteristics that you absolutely need? And some of those can be like ambition and charisma and things like that, which obviously lead into other areas of his life. But what are the things you're looking for? And stick to those four and look for those four instead of like coming in with this massive list or this massive amount of expectations of someone because no one's perfect. But you got to figure out like how you can find someone that fits with you perfectly. So part of it's eliminating those expectations, getting down to basics and then just being open and saying yes to things. People are so. And I, I've been guilty of this. I'm sure we all have, where it's like, do I really need to do this? Do I need to go there or do I need to leave the house? You know, but yeah, you got to say yes to Things, you know, and get out there. And get out there with your list of four things and start, start just seeing how people fit into that.

You know, I love that you're saying that. Like, just really focus on those four things. Because whether, you know, I'm not looking for a soulmate, but I feel like women can do this exact same thing to their friends where you expect every woman to fall into this mold of like, maybe this best friend you had in 8th grade who was everything to you, and you're still trying to replace that person. Because I found even with moving, you know, so often I wanted like these best friends, these kindred spirits, and the more I had an expectation, the more nobody fit into it. So what about that? When we're looking for fear female friends, like, we want these soul sisters, what is something that we can kind of, you know, do be open to look for?

I think the biggest thing with any relationship, and even with platonic ones, is that you look for people who compliment you and you love them for who they are. And that's where we do fall into those. Like, I expect them to do xyz and it never fits quite like that. But if you are aware that they are beautiful in who they are exactly the way they are, and you find people who fit with you and understand that there are so many different facets of you that you can have so many different friends to fit into those facets. And I had someone ask me recently, they're like, well, I feel like almost a fake because I can have these super social, going out all the time, dressing up and putting themselves together and like enjoying this scene. But then I have my entrepreneur friends and then I have my, you know, my more health and wellness and it's. You can have all of those different areas and everybody's going to feed a different part of you, and that's okay. It doesn't make you fake that you hang out with one and then separate it and go into another. So understanding that you can have kind of a whole hodgepodge of friends that allow you to get all of your needs filled with, but love who they are. I think that's, that's the biggest lesson is just understanding that people have. By the time we get to adulthood, we have a lot of experiences. We have our own way of doing things and, you know, not trying to change them or judge them for it, but to love them for how they show up.

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I love that so much. I have a girlfriend who says, collect people, and it just.

Yes.

You know, for every different thing, like, I have some friends who would rather die than go shopping. And then, you know, and sometimes you're like, but I really need you to help me with this outfit for speaking. So it's really like, have the friends for shopping. Have the friends for those deep soul dives. You know, it's. It's beautiful that way. And when I was really able to release people from needing to be everything, that's when this whole world opened up to me. It was like, wow, these human beings are amazing. All around me. So what's been one of the biggest surprises for you doing this work?

You know, I think the biggest surprise overall is how alike men and women are. You know, obviously Mars and Venus Huge book was built on this idea that we're so different. Like, we're from different planets. And the fact of the matter is, at this. At the root of everyone is a balance of masculine and feminine. You know, everybody's got kind of a different ratio depending on who they are and how they present. But we all kind of have the same core, and we all have this deep desire to be loved. And I think that's the biggest thing is I have women all the time. They're like, I don't understand men, and men don't understand women. And yes, we have our nuances and we have different kind of energies and makeups, but at the same core of us, we want love, we want companionship, and we care. So that's been. That's a beautiful surprise that I've definitely encountered.

So have you found that men need that closeness to other men just as much as women feel that desire to have that tribe?

Yeah, I think everybody kind of has a natural, innate desire to have a group of people around them that they trust. They conversate differently. So I've definitely, in my experience, I've worked with a lot of men, but some of them do get deep. And I think we've kind of seen a shift in men where they are getting more kind of emotionally connected and not seeing it as kind of a chick thing. So I think more and more guys have Always congregated together and always had kind of their. Their group of bros, but now those bros are drinking beers and talking about philosophy as much as they're talking about sports.

So that's awesome. So, okay, so I'm getting this question together in my head because I always get asked this question by just different people and girlfriends because my husband and I have a relationship where we can, you know, talk about just different things. Love, self development, life, all of these things. But we've been working on that. It wasn't like, you know, we got married and we just dove immediately into these, like, heavier topics. It was. It was almost like they came slowly and we both worked on ourselves and self development and all of these different things. And it's not that we always have these conversations, but for women who are maybe on the path of self development and really growing themselves or their business or their career, and they feel like they're growing faster than their spouse, what is something that they can either do to bring these topics up or open the relationship up to these conversations?

Yeah, and that is definitely something that I see a trend in. Especially, you know, right now. I see so many women that are just seeking and seeking and learning, and the men are coming, but it's definitely being led by the women. So it's very natural that there can be kind of a disconnect and growth in relationships. And there's two things. One is not the most popular belief thought to share, but it's. The truth is that not every relationship is meant to last forever. And I believe that there are certain relationships that get you to certain stages in your life, and there's soulmates that are meant to last for a specific period of time, and that might not be forever. And we do outgrow people. That being said, like I said, that's not the most popular thing. Especially I remember when I heard that the first, I was like, that's. That's total bs. I hate you for saying it, because I want this person to be my forever. And when you are on a very high path of enlightenment education, sometimes that can shift. Anyway, that aside, when you have a partner who is willing, and that's the big difference, when you have someone who is open enough to say, hey, this is what I'm exploring. This is where I'm growing. Come join me to go to this thing. Come listen to this podcast. Come talk. Talk to me about this issue. I find this really fascinating and just having an approach to it of joy instead of. There's often like a neediness or a judgmental ness that comes to it where it's like, he's not doing this and he doesn't get it and that's gonna shift the way that he reacts to it. And I keep saying he. And I don't want to be totally heteronormative. So if anyone in same sex relationships I fully support. So ignore my pronouns. But. But if your partner. I do a lot of college speaking, so I'm always getting. I just go off on tangents. I'm like, I didn't mean it.

Insert what you need.

Yeah, insert whatever works for you there. But, you know, it's how you approach it. It's the joy that you bring to it. It's sharing as opposed to judging. And I think that's where someone can come to it and say, oh, wow, she or he is not judging me for not being at the same level. They're sharing this. They're sharing this experience. They're wanting to connect with me through this. It makes a lot easier to bring someone up with you instead of leaving them.

Oh, I love that. And it's just. I love that you say, just be excited about it instead of, you know, maybe coming from, why can't you be more like this person? Or look at what they're doing? Or that immediately makes anyone just throw their walls up and not want to hear a word that you have to say. I know with my husband and him for me as well, it's like we always bring it to the T. Like, look how exciting this is. Would you ever be willing to, you know, even if it's like 10 minutes or 20 minutes and we have to remember that maybe what we're bringing isn't as exciting to them at first. Yeah. Like when I'm trying to be really excited and interested about football, it's like, okay, I can only handle doses of that, so just remember to switch that around.

Yeah. Everything's not pizza, so they can't. You can't expect everybody to get that excited about it. So.

So how do we know when something is worth really investing in and saving? Because like you said, and Rachel, I totally agree with you. Like, that's sometimes the hardest thing to realize is when a relationship is not meant to be in your life forever. I've had plenty of those. Whether it's a girlfriend or, you know, a previous boyfriend or whatever that is. But when do you kind of know that maybe it's not worth saving?

Yeah. And this is hard because this is definitely a balance. Obviously, when you're with someone and you care enough to save it. There's a lot of love there. So it really becomes the relationship makes you feel bad more than good. And that's really, I think, where the cutoff point. And you can definitely try to shift that balance from bad to good through therapy, through coaching, through counseling, whatever process works for you. But if it is consistently not lifting you up, it's consistently making you feel bad about yourself, or question your self worth, or just wonder if there's more to life and more happiness to life than where you're in, then that's where I really have people take a hard look. I've never in my 10 years of working with people have ever recommended that someone leave someone. But I'll ask them the questions of what's your happiness level? Where are you growing? Where are they growing? Are they willing to grow with you? Have they hit the end of their station? You know, some people's stations along their track has an endpoint and if someone else's goes past that, you know, you can't drag them with you and expect to be happy.

Yeah, that's beautiful. So what questions do you wish more people would ask you?

I think the biggest thing that I wish more people would, would ask me and focus on is how do I form a better relationship with myself? Because we're so outwardly focused and even in this world of self development and there is so much out there talking about going within and meditation and retreats and self books and all of those things. But, but I feel like people kind of just sign up for them for fun and you know, to say, hey, I went on this retreat like I went in the sun, I did some yoga and I meditated a little bit. Well, what, how deep did it go and how deep did you fall in love with you and how more did you connect the relationship with you? Because that's really what everything's about. You know, every question I get is very much for this end game of relationships and love. And I get it, we all want to have that partner, or I should say 99.9% of the people that I have come across want to be in a relationship of some sort. But their relationship with themselves is often awful. And I wish they would focus on that and understand you can't just ignore it. You know, you can't have the flu and go play soccer. You know, it's, it's the same thing as going into dating and relationships not having taken care of yourself first.

So what are some things that you like to do to keep that relationship healthy with yourself?

There's a. Oh gosh, there's a whole list. Could be overwhelming for some, but I.

Think that I'm like, I'm ready, give it to me.

You know, a lot of it's a practice and that's the thing is a lot of people want that quick fix, but it's a practice. I think the first thing is perspective building. We are very, very incline to judge things as negative and positive. But there are so many. There's shades of gray which we know about in other ways, but there's a lot in the middle there. And I feel like a perspective practice which is looking at things from different perspectives, which is not just judging as black or white. Seeing the gray in the middle and also being able to reframe things is the first step of kind of changing that relationship with our thoughts. A lot of these and all of the practices with self I think revolve around our thoughts because what are we, you know, our relationship with our self is our brain, is our heart. And how do we connect with that and create a good relationship is really restructuring the way that we think about ourselves, about the world, about life and happiness and love. So perspective is the first. The second is always gratitude. I think, you know, people talk about this a lot, but I think that as a whole, and I don't want to, I try not to be judgmental, but we are a very ungrateful society. And this is, you know, not just something in America, it's something all over where we focus on what we don't have. And if we focused on what we had, we would be infinitely happier with ourself, with our lives, with our partners. And I think that's kind of a huge, huge element. And the third thing is definitely self care. We lack boundaries. And self care for me is so encompassing. Yes, it could be massages and workouts and food, which are all hugely important elements, but it's also boundaries and protecting yourself and knowing when to say no and knowing when to say yes and really understanding our own kind of balance, our own energetic makeup of. This doesn't work for me right now. This may have worked for me before, but it doesn't work for me right now. And I'm going to take care of myself to make sure that I'm in the best possible place. So if I had to pick three, there's a whole lot more in there.

But I totally know. And it's daily. I mean, obviously this is something that I do too. And it's literally daily. Some days I can be on time, top of the world and other days, it's like.

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How am I here again?

Yeah, and that's the thing. It's. Get it. Because I have not always been super happy. I actually posted about this the other day. I had a client who was like, I hated you when I first met you because you were so happy and so positive. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she's like. And then I realized after spending more time with you that that's just how you were. And I was like, how do I get that? And it's. It's not every day. It's not every moment.

It's.

It's overall, yes, it's most of the time, but that's because I work at that shit. Oh, Sue. What is that supposed to. You're all good.

Can I say that? You're all good girls. I hear you. Yeah. So what makes you so passionate about it Is. Is it because, you know, you struggled with this before?

I definitely think that's a part of it, but I think a lot of it, it is so innate. I don't even know I could. And I feel like I feel the fired up right now. Like, every time I talk about it, every time I into it, it is just something in my soul. It is something in my bones that I feel like I am meant to be here to do. And I actually, in meditations before I even got into kind of a deeper practice about five, six years ago, I kept getting the message to be love. And I was like, I don't even understand what that means. Sounds really great. Put it on a necklace. But as I explored this, you know, I think that's really. It's always been my purpose, so above anything else is. Is to be love, is to spread that and to help people get to that state of love for themselves, for others. So I actually got it tattooed on my side. So I didn't get the necklace, but I got a tattoo.

There's time for the necklace.

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, merchandising. Yes.

Later. Later products. Okay. So if we really knew you, what would we know about you?

I am as equally passionate and passionate about changing the world and helping people as I am sarcastic and sassy. I'm really obnoxious. I have a really wicked sense of humor. And I can give it as well as take it. That's good. And I love a good Italian red wine.

Me too. We should have opened one right before this, right?

I mean, it's 4:30 almost over here. I feel like, well, at least it's.

Afternoon over here, so that we're good.

That's true.

So what do you do in your life? Because in order for relationships to really. I mean, in order for relationships to really work, we have to have those conversations that we don't want to have. So how on earth do you go about making that more of the normal, having the these, you know, whether it's just expressing yourself or telling someone what you need or any of those things?

Yeah, it's tough. And trust me, I practice what I preach. And sometimes I'm like, did I tell someone to do this? Because this is freaking hard. So part of it is just getting used to it. It's a practice. It's starting small. So actually on Married at First Sight, I had them this last season that aired in Miami. They started doing pillow talk, which was kind of an escalation of questions from really kind of safe questions to ask one another to get to know each other and to dive deeper to really bigger things that allowed them to kind of ask questions with permission. So, you know, I had created, and with the other experts, they had created as well, these questions, so we were giving them to them. But I think I've seen a lot where people were using them as a way to kind of get the excuse to be like, hey, I saw this. We should ask these questions, too. So it's starting off from a place of where you feel like it's okay to ask them, and then just understanding, too, that you don't need permission to ask those questions. You don't need permission to dive deeper. You don't need permission to be more vulnerable, but you do have to ease into it. And I think just understanding that you don't start with big bombs, you don't start at the top. You kind of work your way in. So if you're not used to having really vulnerable conversations with your partner, asking things of like, hey, you know, I saw that. You know, if we ask each other questions, it's going to help our relationship. So there's a list right here. You know, what things are you afraid of? What are you excited about? You know, and starting kind of baby stepping in. No one needs to jump into the pool if they don't know how to swim. So kind of starting off slow, I think, is this a really roundabout answer? But starting off slow? I'd suggest it.

That is huge.

I feel like, okay, so I just came back from the Midwest, and I have to tell you, I didn't realize how much More. Well, maybe it's the circles I've created around myself out in California, but I didn't realize how, you know, I was just listening to some of the conversations, and we weren't really asking questions that were, you know, getting further than surface. So I feel like a lot of people want to go deeper. I feel like people are yearning for deeper connections, but we're lacking the tools to get there. Are there ways that you, you know, maybe some questions or tool that you can give people if we are desiring these deeper connections in life?

Well, I think one is calling it out and be like, you know, these conversations are great, but I want to know more about you. I want to get to who you are and kind of starting it with that. Because people always like to talk about themselves. It's our natural desire is to share that. So kind of making it that when you're in, you know, in relationships, whether it's platonic or romantic, it's. I want to learn more about you. I feel like sometimes we just skim the surface and I want to know what makes you tick and come from a place of. I like to call it a joyful inquisition. So it's just that excited kind of desire to learn about each other. So I think that's kind of the biggest thing. But also know your audience. So there are people that are not ready to have those conversations and don't want them and will avoid them at all costs. And we can try to kind of push the envelope there, but there are going to be walls at some point, and understanding that it's not your place to break those down and to get that fulfillment elsewhere and to just understand that kind of going back to what we were talking about before is love people for where they're at because you're not going to be able to change them. So you might as well enjoy who they are at that space that they're in.

So what's your favorite, favorite part about this work?

I love transformation. So to me, this is like the before and after of, like, a diet commercial, you know, where you see someone coming out and like a total new look. And I love seeing people step into their power of who they are. And, you know, it's something that I try to kind of of place into everything, whether it's coaching couples or on TV or working with individuals. I want them to come out of it feeling more confident in who they are, willing to dig deeper, because if they're working with me or they're talking to me, I'm already going to Be kind of pushing that envelope as much as possible, but they're also going to be open to it. So that transformation is just. It's beautiful.

So I know for a lot of people, you know, I do events every single year, just big women's empowerment retreats. And I think one of the biggest things is that people come there wanting to connect. They come there wanting to network, wanting to know themselves better, wanting these friends, you know, that they see online or these women, connections that they, you know, that. That can sometimes look maybe a lot more connected or deeper than maybe they really are in real life, and they're just yearning for that. But they get there and it's like the walls just go back up because maybe they've been hurt or, you know, maybe that protection mode goes in especially at events. Right. So what is something that you can. Is there a mantra or something that you can do or say to be more open and vulnerable and know that, yeah, when you get vulnerable, yes, you could get hurt again?

Absolutely. I mean, as soon as you say that, I see a bunch of inner children showing up to an event, and that's who shows up. That's who puts up those walls. At some time, in some way in their life, they've been shut down, and this is their protection mechanism. So one is getting them to understand that of like, hey, we all have that wounded inner child. You know, everybody puts their hand up, everybody has. Has had that. And understanding where things come from, I think is the best way to eliminate them. That's why I actually became a hypnotherapist about five years ago, because I wanted to the root of where things came from with people. And a lot of times in hypnosis, you can get back to that place, that wounded inner child. And so one understanding and being aware of why they're reacting the way they are. The mantra is so simple, you know, and it, to me, it would just be something like, I am open. I am open. I am open to connecting. I am open to showing myself and just allowing them to reprogram that part of their brain that's saying, close off, close down. Fear, Fear. Red blinking lights. You know.

It'S almost like, you know, because of course, I've gone through this myself, which is why I love to talk about it. But it's. It's like knowing that, yes, you could get hurt again, but sometimes the more open that you get and that you're okay with getting hurt, it's almost like you don't get as hurt. Does that make sense?

What is that yeah, well, it's kind of. You're just prepared. I think anything is the hardest the first time. You know, any pain is the hardest the first time because you don't know what to expect. And, and kind of understanding that this is a possibility is, you know, it kind of takes the. The fear edge off a little bit. I mean, it still is going to hurt if you get hurt, but. But you also know what the possibility is. And if you've experienced it once you know that you can get through it. I think that's a huge thing too, is like, I know I survived this. It didn't kill me, it didn't die. Actually came out better. So I have this end result to look at and say, hey, I can. I can handle this.

Have you ever been just completely rocked by a relationship where you did not see it coming? And what was something that you did to turn that around?

Oh, God. I mean, I actually. My last relationship, I'm happily divorced. It was definitely my marriage was eight years of a relationship that was a necessary experience. Got to that place and that train was at a station that was not moving. And that was okay. And that's. It's a beautiful part of my experience. But no, and that actually isn't the one that rocked me. My last relationship was definitely something where I got into and it ended in a way that was so painful and so awful and still like, it took me probably a year and a half to truly heal from it and understand that it wasn't meant to be. And I think what I did to get through that is one allow. I think that we have these impressions that we should get over things quicker, that we shouldn't be emotional, that we shouldn't feel sadness or frustration or anger. And all of those feelings, they feel like, put those in a box and move on, because what's the big deal? And I think allowing myself that. Allowing myself that caring time and then also just being aware of the purpose of relationships and the purpose of the end of relationships, having faith, and that's a big thing. I'm not religious, but I have a lot of faith in everything is meant to be according as it. As it will show up and kind of just releasing to that, you know, it was definitely. There was a whole lot of work going on, but the place I got to, I was like, holy moly. This is amazing. I've become a better person because of that breakup.

What's the most freeing thing that you do in your practices that kind of just allows you to let go of anything that you're carrying. Maybe any guilt around conversations you've had or relationships you've had. You know, maybe forgiveness, clearing. What are some practices that you have around? Just forgiveness and releasing.

I think the biggest way that I clear out things is through meditation. So I'm a huge meditator. I have insane experiences during meditations that trip me out sometimes, but I give things away. You know, I love one of my favorite meditations is I bring myself to a beach and I just release things into the water. I walk into the. I imagine myself walking into the water, and I believe that salt and water is very healing and very beautiful. And for me, I'm like, I'm just letting this all out right here. And it's amazing. When I come out of that meditation, I'm like, I feel 1,000 pounds lighter, because that's just the way that I process through it. So I'm a big fan of using our subconscious to get rid of that stuff, because it doesn't belong there.

Wow. I literally do something so similar.

Really?

Yes.

And I live by the ocean, and I just. It is so healing, and I'm always just. That's beautiful. It works so well, you guys.

Oh, my God. Actually, I live on the beach in Jersey, and I plan on moving to Santa Monica, but only when I can move to Santa Monica. Oh, my God.

That's so cool. We'll be neighbors.

Yes.

Yeah. Santa Monica is really magical. But anywhere near the water, like, is. Is so healing. And it is. I don't know, just picturing those waves kind of taking it all away from you is really just a beautiful meditation. So, okay, so I am writing a book on tribe and creating your own tribe and women friendships. Of course, men can do it too, but it's based more around women. And just talking about how, you know, what having strong female relationships can do for your life. Do you have a tribe of women that you kind of rely on or mastermind with? And how did you develop it?

I do. I have. It's so funny. Actually, one of. One of the people in my tribe just had a party on Saturday, and it was hilarious because it was all these people in their 30s, 40s, 50s acting like we were in high school. And it was amazing because I'm talking about, like, a room full of New York Times bestsellers. I'm like, this is hilarious. We're playing virtual reality and taking selfies in a selfie stand. But anyway, love it. But I have to say, and I have to be honest, because I have no other way of talking is I fell into my tribe. But I did it in a way that I was already kind of on my path. So I met kind of the centerpiece of centerpiece of my tribe. I'll let her know that I called her this on TV and I did a segment on a show that she was co hosting on this tiny little channel that I don't even think exists anymore. And we just kind of like were like, oh my gosh, kindred spirits. We totally get each other. And through that, it just kind of kept expanding. Like I introduced her people or some people that she didn't know but were connected to the people that she did know. And it just, it created this kind of ever growing mass. But the one thing I have to say that I noticed is, you know, I still have my centerpiece and some of the other people in the center, but my tribes even like those friendships I was talking about, I have kind of my west coast tribe, I have my east coast tribe, I have my entertainment industry tribe. Like there's so many different sectors. They don't really cross connect in the most efficient way, but they're so important to me, me. So yeah, I have, I have a lot of many tribes, sub tribes.

I love that. Oh my gosh. So you just made me really start thinking because it's like what came first, the tribe or your path? And it's really mine. Mine kind of happened that same exact way. It's like people are like, oh, you're so lucky you have all these female friends. And I'm thinking, oh, no, sister friend. Like I used to be that girl who was alone in her office, like crying while trying to get my life together and trying to get on the path. But really when you do get on the path, it's like all of these beautiful earth angels all of a sudden appear. But you have to be open or you miss them. Like I could have missed all of them if I wouldn't have been like, okay, I need friends.

Like, yeah, it's a very natural. Like also when you're on your path, like people are like, oh, she's on her path. Maybe we should connect. Because I'm my path too.

Yeah. And I think that's the thing, right, Is that women who you want in your life, life are going to be those ones who maybe are. You know, we realize that when you are on your path, you maybe don't have a ton of time and you can't invest so much into one relationship. So it's almost like those women are going to be attracted to you because you are on your path and living in your purpose and you're not relying upon them for, you know, happiness. You're relying, you want to walk with them. So, yeah, being open to that. So what is your. I think just more on women, relationships and friendships. What is something that really helps recharge you when you are connecting with other friends?

I think my biggest lessons that I've learned is to connect with people who not think like you but have the same priorities as you. I think, you know, within in my tribe there was other potential tribe members that have arrived that I've been like, we are just on different pages. We have different priorities. I am not interested in, you know, I've never been pursuing money ever in my life. It's never been part of my thing. I've been kind of like, you know what, the money will show up. I've always been taken care of. And so kind of this is super personal to me. But it's never, it's always been finding tribe members, finding people that lift me up, finding people that I can laugh with. That's not about, okay, how do we grow our businesses? Because a lot of us are definitely entrepreneurs or business minded women naturally. But that's not really what I'm looking for. Like, yes, I do bounce ideas off of my friends, but for the most part I want to laugh with them, I want to be inspired by them, I want to make fun of each other, I want to have a good time together. And I think that's. That's always been the focus, that soul filling for me.

I love that. So what are some things that maybe we didn't cover that you feel like you really want people to just focus on with relationships.

You know, what's something that keeps coming back in my head is when we talk about women, relationships, platonic relationships. That tribe is. I want, I want so bad for women to focus on not comparing and not feeling like there's a need for jealousy and understanding too. If you have that feeling, if you have that pang, if you have a desire to talk about someone behind their back or to defame someone in a way, you have to start to look within and realize where that's coming from. I think that's kind of the thing that it drives me bananas because it goes back to that question that I wish people ask me more of is like, how do I form a better relationship with myself? Because if you are in love with yourself and you're in love with who you are and what you're doing, you don't care that she got Whatever she got, you know, And I feel like with women, we have such a. It doesn't. A rising tide raises all ships has always been my motto. And, you know, I just find that that's kind of really hard to overcome sometimes for some. And if it feels like it's a challenge, then it's like, okay, what within me is making me feel like there's not enough for me.

If she gets that, I love that. And, you know, it's funny because I actually. Of all of the things I was blessed with, I actually find that that was a huge blessing for me is that I don't compare myself to other people. But I think it's because early on I watched my sister do it, and right away I was like, what about. What if we let that woman be. Be, you know, an inspiration? Like, can she be like the. The Roger Bannister for me? Like, the. She broke the four minute mile. Like, she's proving that it can be done. So I'm always looking at women now in that perspective. And don't get me wrong, of course, you know, I could totally go down that rabbit hole. I'm sure for many, many hours. And I. I'm sure in the past I have, but instead I literally am like, nope, like, she's breaking the four minute mile for you. Like, if she did it, you can do it. So it's just flipping. Like, I'm able to flip it right away. Thank God. And that's been really big for me because if you give it even more than a minute, I find it's like you can just slip into that dark space so easily. So for those people who do that, is there something that you maybe say in your head that really helps you flip out of it?

Yeah, I think 1. It's very similar to what you just said. It's like, I recognize, trust me, I have those moments. I had this happen recent where someone came up for got TV show and I was like, I don't want that. And then I was like, no, it's like, there's more than enough. And that's kind of been the thing for me. It's like, there's more than enough. And good for her because she's spreading a beautiful message. And I think it's really looking at the positive in it of, you know, one just understanding that just because someone gets something or achieves something or has something, it doesn't mean that I can't have it. It. It's. There's more than enough.

Okay, so that's super fun to talk About. Why don't we chat about your. I just want to know about your show, how you got it, and what you love about it.

Well, I started. We started with Married at First Sight last year, so we filmed a season in Miami which was super fun, and it kind of just fell in my lap. My. I mean, I had an agent, so it wasn't like this, like, Cinderella story. They found me in the street and they're like, hey, come talk to our.

Yes.

But I had been doing a lot of segments on various shows for years and years and really kind of wasn't super interested. And everyone's like, don't you want your own show? And I'm like, no, that seems like a lot of work. So I got this opportunity, and I just. Love. Ended up spinning into two other shows, too. So I'm working on three shows with the same production company now. But Merit at first is kind of super near and dear to my heart. It's a crazy concept. These people get married without meeting each other, and I'm one of the three experts that are responsible for matching them. But it's such a beautiful show, and it shows such a huge amount of self development and self work. And that's why I love it. It allows me. I mean, I still talk to all the couples. There's another season that will be coming out soon, but I talked to all the couples. Couples all the time. We've worked through so much stuff, and they've grown so much. And for me to be able to do that in the entertainment, this Hollywood environment is everything I've ever wanted.

That's amazing. I'm so happy for you. You know, I just. I think it's so. It's so interesting because I have a few friends who have had arranged marriages that I've met out here. And it's. It's such a beautiful concept, though, because when two people are committed to the same thing thing, it doesn't even necessarily, you know, these two people were. Are committed to falling in love. So I find that so interesting that it doesn't actually sometimes even matter if you were in love if you're both committed to the same thing, which I've even found with my husband. People are like, how have you stayed together so long? And how have you both gone in the same direction and grown the same way? And it's because we literally talk about what's the. What's. What is the actual thing that we're committed to, and you kind of both find each other running parallel on that path, no matter what. Because you're committed to the same thing and that's self growth and love. So I just find that. Is it kind of like that? Like you just meet and you're. If people are committed and willing, it tends to go better. Or what does that look like?

Oh, 100%. And that's really kind of what I wasn't on the first three seasons of the show, so I can't speak to that. But I know in my experience with the couples I was the people that showed up, you could tell when they were just interested in being on tv and you could tell when they were really interested in meeting a partner and committing towards love. And we've definitely seen it work and seen people who obviously an initial attraction is super helpful, but when you have that kind of deeper desire for companionship, when you have that desire to grow in love with someone, it works really well.

That's so awesome. All right, so I have loved getting to chat with you. I could literally. This is one of those topics I could talk. So is there anything that you want to share with the audience before we go? Where can we find you? Where can we follow you? All that good stuff, too.

Just want to spread some more love. Yeah. I am@racheldialto.com I'm all over social media to my. My own demise. I over share. I spend too much time on it, but I really enjoy it. So I'm very active on Instagram and Twitter especially. So I'd love to hear from people and love to chat and kind of see if anything resonated.

So, so beautiful girl. I love a good overshare. So I just want to thank you.

Now it's like, oh, no, we're just gonna throw it out there.

It's the best. You know, I always think of that, like with the posts that make me a little bit sick to my stomach. I'm like, oh, man, it's gonna be a good one. Post and walk away.

Okay.

It's so true too. So I just want to acknowledge you for the work that you do and just for showing up every single day in doing this work and changing people's lives. And I so appreciate all that you are doing in the world.

Oh, ditto. Thank you.

Thank you. And I always have a final question before we go. Go. Are you ready? Okay.

Okay. So ready.

So ready.

Here we go.

So if you have a quick elevator ride with someone, it's only like 30 seconds. You have no idea who they are, and they look over at you and they say, how can I make myself happy? What do you say.

I say start smiling more and start saying thank you. I think that those two things to me, listen, we got 30 minutes. We can practice right here. 30 minutes, 30 seconds. It was like, wait, 30 minutes. That was too long of a ride. Trapped. Oh, my God. This is not. This is the end of happiness right here. 30 seconds. Smiling and thank you. And just really, really allowing that brain to reprogram. It's magic.

Thank you so much. And you guys, if you loved this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it with your friends. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review. If you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought and honest comment comment. Tell us what you think. Tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye. Bye.