122: Live Your KICKASS LIFE - How to LET GO of Blocks and SHAME with Andrea Owen

Foreign. Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the Earn your happy podcast and I'm so excited for you guys to meet Andrea Owen. She is one of those women who immediately you feel comfortable with. She is like that soul sister, that raw, real, down to earth. Just like you could sit on your living room couch and just get into the good stuff right away. She's an author, a mentor, a certified life coach. She helps women get what they want by letting go of perfectionism, control and isolation, elation, and choosing to practice courage instead. She's helped thousands of women manage their inner critic to create loving connections and live their most kick ass life. And you guys, this is how I found her. I talk a little bit about this in the podcast is through her book that actually jumped out at me in the airport as I was walking through. So her beautiful face on this bright pink cover. I was like, who is this? I must get it. Her book is called 52 Ways to Live a kick ass ass life. So you guys, I can't wait for you to listen in on this incredible conversation. She has really had quite the ride and I know that you will love her as much as I do. So let's get started. Andrea, I'm so excited to have you on the show. Thank you so much for coming on.

Always happy to get to talk to you, Ms. Harder.

So I want to tell people how you came into my life. I was going to an event of some sort. I can't really remember what it was, but I was walking through an airport and looking for a book to kill some time. And I love self development. So I went straight over to that section in the airport and all of a sudden there was this amazing, vibrant woman with this like bright pink cover that said 52 ways to lead a kick ass life. I said I need all 52 of these ways and it literally jumped out. So I get on the plane, I start reading, and because we Had a bunch of time on the tarmac. I, like, found you on Instagram immediately because it was an instant love. Found you on Instagram, uploaded the book, and you commented. Like, this all happened so fast. And I was like, oh, my God, this woman just commented. I'm, like, obsessed with her already. Yeah. So my love affair began and then.

I blocked you because you were stalking me. No, I'm kidding.

I sent you 27 messages. Yeah, sorry about that. I feel bad about that now, but okay, so I'm just incredibly excited that. And that was 2013. So here we are. Insane. I'm so excited. So thank you again for coming on. And for those people who don't. Who haven't maybe read your book or know who you are, could you explain a little bit about your story?

Yeah, I mean. You mean the big one?

The big story? You know what? Yes.

Let's go there, because that's my favorite place to swim. Okay. So the way I kind of stumbled upon this industry and becoming a life coach and doing what I do now is I. It's kind of. It starts out of a funny story, but ended up not being so funny. I found out about life coaching in around 2002, 2003, and I was like, oh, my gosh, this is going to be. This is what I need to do with my life. I'm going to do this as a profession. This is just rad. And I remember saying to my husband at the time, now my ex husband, I said, I don't know, though. I don't have that much, like, life experience. You know, I haven't had anything, you know, really massive happen to me. Led a pretty charmed life up until now. So about two years after that, as me and that husband were planning on conceiving our first child. We had been together for almost 14 years at that point. He had an affair with our neighbor and got her pregnant and fell in love with her and left me. And it was very. I mean, that's the very short version.

It was.

It was awful. Like, he had an affair with her for seven months, was living a double life. It was so bad and just horrible. So that happened. And then I started dating right away, which I never should have done. And I met a guy who I thought was Mr. Right. And nine months later, turns out he had lied about having cancer. I thought he had non Hodgkin lymphoma. The whole time we were together. He lied about that to cover up his drug habit. He was addicted to opiates. He had siphoned about $8,000 for me. I basically got conned. I got conned by this guy and found myself living at my sister's house. I was broke. I had quit my job to move away with him. It was. I found myself at the absolute, my rock bottom. I was also pregnant and. Yeah, and then he left me for another addict that he met in rehab. And it was really the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean, I was at my lowest of the lows. I kept asking myself, like, how did I get here? Like, this is. You know, even my friends were kind of like, yeah, we don't even know what to say. Like, they were avoiding me. They don't want to catch it. Whatever I had, I was just. I was so ashamed of where I had ended up. And so what that taught me was, you know, the common denominator of my circumstances was me. And I had to figure out not to blame myself for what they did to me, but what had I attracted in my life? What had I tolerated? What had I ignored my intuition about? Cause that was a huge underlying factor of what was going on during those two relationships. And I dug myself out and I took radical responsibility for my life and kind of never looked back. So that happened about in 2006. And I've spent the last 11 years healing and looking at my own stuff and just walking my talk and building a business in the meantime. And it's been quite a ride.

Oh, my gosh. I think you were just a really powerful manifester, because I don't think there's any better lessons for a life coach to be able to speak from, as crazy as that sounds. But the toughest lessons obviously bring you the most beautiful experiences. But. But I know when you were at rock bottom, how on earth when you were there, because I want you to paint that picture of what that really felt like. What were the first steps? What did you know? How did you even know to start getting yourself out of that?

It's funny, because the movie the Secret had just come out and it was all the rage. And that was when I was sort of pulling myself up and out. And I remember from that about gratitude, and I thought that was the biggest bunch of BS because I was like, what do I have to be grateful for right now? And I thought, okay, well, I was just kind of desperate. And I'm like, I am going to try this. So I sat down and I wrote 10 things that I was grateful for. And it really wasn't that hard. I had a lot of things to be grateful for. I Still had a pretty privileged life, like, let's be honest. And so I started there and I drew a picture of what I wanted and. And I still have that picture. It was just like with a pencil. I didn't have any magazines at the time to make a vision board. So I took a pencil and a paper and I drew out what I wanted. And that was really what got me through is just starting to practice gratitude. I had never done that before. All I had done was focused on what was going crappy in my life. I just was. Control was probably one of my worst behaviors. Control and perfectionism are my two biggest nemesis. And. And I was so pissed at everyone for not listening to me. And like if everyone would just do as I said, then my life would be better. I was convinced. And so the last 11 years have been such a huge lesson in surrender. I actually got the word tattooed on my arm because it was just really about. It was really that of like taking radical responsibility but at the same time having some self compassion because I hated myself for where I was. And so it was sort of like that ebb and flow of looking at my stuff and going, holy crap, this is bad, you guys. This is really bad. It's like a horror movie. But at the same time going like, okay, I am not the only one who has these problems. And that's when I started my blog. And more and more people were like, me too, me too. And so I wanted to make something beautiful out of what had happened and I did.

There's so much there that I want to talk to. But what was on the paper, I want to know that first.

So it was a picture of a house and it was a picture of me with my baby. And because I was pregnant at the time and it was just. All I drew was hearts all around me. Like I just started drawing. I'm like, I don't know where this is going to take me. I just let my hand kind of go. And it was like people surrounding me. I'm probably gonna start crying. It was people surrounding me. I didn't know who they were. It wasn't necessarily like, here's my mom and dad, here's somebody. It was just me and this baby and people all around me and hearts. That was it. And so what that tells me is what I wanted was just love. And isn't that what we all want at the end of the day? We just want to love and to be loved. And I think that I just had to kind of break it down to basics because what I had essentially done in my quest for love. I was a love addict. And I was. So. I wanted love and connection and intimacy so bad, but it scared me so much at the same time because I hadn't done my own work that I thought that I was getting it by these really intense relationships where I would fall madly in love with a man and we'd have this super intense relationship and then it would fall apart. And I mean that the house would burn down as quickly as the fire started. And. And that's what was happening. And that was another thing. 12 step programs and things like that for that. If anyone out there is listening and thinks they struggle with love addiction, I highly recommend Pia Melody's Facing Love Addiction. That book, I swear she was writing about my life. And I had to figure out what love and trust and intimacy and connection really looked like, because I didn't know. And I had a kind of screwed up view of it. So. So that was one of. I know I went off on a little tangent there.

For me, I love it.

Drawing.

So what did that look like then for you, and what does it look like now?

So you mean like love, intimacy and connection?

What did that mean then and now?

It was.

I thought that by choosing anyone to tell them all my deepest, darkest secrets, so I would meet someone and fall, like, tragically in love with them. And I thought. I just. I thought that that's how it worked, you know, it's like I grew up in a house where, I mean, God bless my parents, they did the best they could. There wasn't a whole lot of making your emotions okay, and there was not a whole lot of vulnerability. I know I'm not the only one. We had one basic feeling in our family, and that was happiness. And if you had any of the others, you needed to go and do that in private. So I didn't know that all the feelings were okay. So I desperately wanted to connect with people, but I didn't know how. I couldn't be with my own emotions. So I sure as hell could it be with yours. So I. It was like this connection and intimacy was the thing that I wanted the most, but at the same time, it was the thing I was the most afraid of. And so it was actually my therapist that called it out who was like, I don't think that you even know what that looks like. So to kind of paint the picture, it was. I would, you know, like, I'd go out with a guy and of course we would get drunk. Like, that was a given. And it was like these deep meaningful conversations, you know, about spirituality or anything, you know, and like, or pouring out my heart about my childhood or all these things. And then just being obsessed with that person, that was my drug. I mean that was my higher power was just being obsessed with this person. And I wanted that person to worship me and I worshiped that person back. And that's what I thought love was. I didn't know that love is actually like built and you know, like entrust is small increments over time and real love is usually kind of boring and like not passionate and like all of these things that we romanticize and grow up seeing in the movies. And so I kind of got a rude awakening as to, as to what that actually really looked like. So I'm not sure if I'm answering your question.

2026 is the year that you launch your business. It's the year that you've become the boss. You become the leader. That idea that you have that has been eating at you forever that just will not leave you alone is going to come to life. Maybe it's something that someone tells you you should always sell or a store you've already designed in your head. And with Shopify, 2026 is when you finally make it happen. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person. Millions of entrepreneurs have already made the SL household name to first time business owners just getting started. You guys. I use Shopify for glossy and I remember when they sent me my little shopping bag celebrating my 10,000 sales and I literally cried because I was so scared to take the leap. And I'm so glad that I did and that I use Shopify. It gives you all the tools to easily build your dream store. You can choose from hundreds of beautiful templates that you can customize to match. Your brand setup is fast with Shopify's built in AI tools that write product description descriptions and headlines and help you edit photos. So marketing is built into. You can create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. So as you grow, Shopify grows with you. You can handle more orders, expand to new markets and do it all from the same dashboard. In 2026, stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com happy. Go to shopify.com happy that's shopify.com happy. Hear your first cha ching this new year with Shopify by your side. Too many people finish their workday feeling frustrated, drained and unfulfilled. I know That I have experienced that myself. And the good news is, it doesn't have to be this way, and you don't need a new job to fix it. Patrick Lencioni, author of the Five Dysfunctions of a Team and more than a dozen other bestsellers, created the working genius assessment to help you pinpoint the kind of work that gives you energy, the kind that lights you up, and it also shares the kind that drains it. So over a million people, including me, have taken it and completely changed how I lead and show up every day. If you're a CEO, an entrepreneur, or someone who just wants to level up in business and in life, working genius is going to give you the clarity and confidence to operate in your strengths and find greater joy in what you do. Because confidence isn't pretending to be good at everything. It's knowing where you're truly gifted. Take the working genius assessment today and get 20% off with code earn@workinggenius.com that's workinggenius.com you'll be glad you did it.

No, totally. And I love that you just said that. And you know the word boring, actually completely. And it's not that it's. It's not that it's boring, but that's a beautiful way compared to what we see on television, what people think it is. And I always think it's so interesting because I have this amazing assistant who's 26 years old and she is now in a super happy relationship. But before that, it was like, I think that, you know, it's so easy to just once you get that high, and if it goes to the low, you can swipe again and find someone else to get that high with. Yeah. So how do you explain. Because I think a lot of women who are also, you know, really successful in their life tend to want that perfect relationship. How do you explain to them, you know, what their own version of building that in intimacy and how they can connect with people at a deeper level.

What that looks like, you know, that's such a good question. I think it's. And to be honest with you, I'm 41, and it's something I'm still learning. And, you know, over the last few years or so, and I actually got sober in 2011, so I have five plus years of sobriety. And to be honest with you, Lori, that's when I like the healing really kind of catapulted me because I had to go through my life in all of its glory, in the ups and downs, totally sober. So, you know, I just I think that one of the things, you know, there's a song that I'm slightly obsessed with right now by Vance Joy called your mess is mine. And there's a line in there where he says, you mess is yours and your mess is mine. And I think that, like, true love is like that. It's. It's like you come into a relationship with someone and you are able to slowly, not on the first date, but slowly show that person the parts of you where deep down in your core, you are convinced that if you showed that part to someone else, they will leave you. They wouldn't love you anymore. And we all have those parts of ourselves and that having that kind of courage, because I can't assure you it's going to work out, you know, like, I can't assure you that that person isn't going to run away. And if they do run away, it's because of their stuff. But, I mean, that to me is true love is being able to show up with all of your stuff and be willing to work through it and be willing to show up for your partner and say, like, I'm here for you. I don't have the words to fix it, but I just want to sit with you in your pain like that. Like, you know, the old traditional wedding vows of for better or for worse. You know, my father just died this past October, and I was telling one of my friends or my husband or somebody like, this is. This is my worst. Like, for better or for worse, this is it. And, you know, to have someone be able to bear witness to grief like that is something I've never experienced before. And had my father passed away 10, 12 years ago, there's no way. There's no way I would have cried like I have in front of, you know, my best friend or my husband or said some of the things that I've said just because I was afraid that they wouldn't. That they would think I was too messy, that I was too emotional. Like, I. You know, like. Like I can't be with that. That what you have going on over there, don't come too close with it, because that's the way I was with other people. I couldn't. I couldn't bear their burden because I couldn't even bear my own.

Yes. So I know that you love talking about the stuff that no one wants to talk about. Yeah. And why is that? Because, you know, I. I'm sure there's such a huge amount of freedom in it for everyone who's willing to go There. Why do you love going there?

I'm sure part of it is my own still dysfunction of oversharing and, like, my. My work on boundaries that I need to do. But, like. But as a practitioner of the work I do, I think that it is so incredibly. I think that this is what connects us as human beings. I think that culturally we are so uncomfortable with feelings. And I, you know, myself included, I still am like, oh, my God. You know, when someone's, like, giving me praise? I am. I'll tell you something. My book signing, when my book came out and I went back home to San Diego, and all of my friends and family are showing up at this book signing and, like, just shouting and, like, that is one of the most uncomfortable moments of my entire life. I was so uncomfortable. So I think that we just have a hard time with it. We don't know how to talk about it. We don't know. Certainly don't know how to show up for other people and express empathy. And we want to fix it. We want to, like, hashtag good vibes only. We want to run away. Yeah.

Why was that super uncomfortable for you, that particular feeling?

I think that. I don't know. I think that there was still a part of me who is like, don't show off too much. Like, don't you get a little bit too big for your britches, girl? You know, it's like. That's what my inner critic was saying. Like, nobody likes. Oh, it totally comes from, I think probably like, my family of origin of just, you know, don't shine too bright. And also because, you know, as a. In our society, what society deems an attractive woman. I've been told that before. I've been told to my face things like, there's more to life, Andrea, than just being beautiful, you know, and, like, just haters, like, people being dicks to me. And so I grew up with that feeling of, like, nobody. Don't. Don't be. It's very confusing. You know, it's like our society tells us to be beautiful, but at the same time, when we are, we get craft on for it. So I think. I think it's, you know, the conflicting messages of sort of being thrust into it. And I had. I had to do a lot of my own work when my book came out, because it was a lot of attention all at once, and I was like, oh, my God, I just want to run and hide under the covers.

But second book. You got your second book right away.

I'm bracing myself. I'm totally bracing Myself. Yeah.

Okay, so that brings up the second book. What is that about?

It is titled, lovingly titled, how to Stop Feeling Like Shit.

I love it.

I know I wanted it to be called how to Stop Feeling Like Shit, A Guidebook for women, but the publisher was like, we need a better subtitle. I think we just, we just finalized the subtitle. I think it's 14 habits that are holding you back from happiness. And what it is, is the 14 habits that we wear as sort of like armor that we put on and take out into the world to protect us. And it's the things like perfectionism, people pleasing, self sabotage, negative self talk, isolation, hiding out, numbing. It's those types of things that all of us do to some varying extent. And a. I'm normalizing it. It's not a book about you suck if you do this and you should stop. But it's about normalizing it and giving you tons of tools on how to recognize what triggers you into it and, and how to choose something different.

So needed. I mean, it's. It's the biggest thing out there and it's things that I deal with all of the time, especially. I love that you're talking about isolation and avoiding because I think as we get more connected, I just did little quote marks. As we get more connected, we can actually, you know, via social media, Internet, we get even more isolated because it's so easy just to put out this different Persona. So how do we get around, like, if we have something that we're dealing with and people pleasing, how do we not isolate ourselves around these things that we feel so shameful around if we're not used to sharing?

Well, I think I want to just kind of dispel the myth that in order, you know, we see on TV or even like on Instagram that, you know, these, these women have, you know, six or seven of these friends and it's like, you know, and their bestest girlfriends. I don't think that that's. I think it's fine if you have that many, but I'm talking about like your one or two friendships where you could tell them anything, where you can break down, like if someone dies in your life where they are the first person that you call and you are crying so hard you can't even talk, like, who is that person? Who's that person that you can call up and say, I just had an affair with my. On my husband and I don't know how I'm going to get out of this. And you know, this person isn't going to judge you, isn't going to try to fix it. She says, okay, what else? You know, how can I help you? What are we going to do? And you know, like we have one or two of those. I have two. Some, you know. Well, I would say, well, no, two. And it's just, you know, I have lots of friends and I call on them for different things. But like we, you know, Brene Brown calls it like the move the body friend. Move the body friend. And not necessarily the story that she tells is a great one. And it's not that you murder someone and I guess that could be a good metaphor, but the story that she tells is that she had a really good friend who called her up. And this friend's mother was an alcoholic and her friend called her up and said, my mom is passed out naked in the shower and I can't move her and I need you to help me get her in bed and, and put some clothes on her. And so Brene went over and helped her friend and her friend said, you are the only person I could call and do that. And the next time that you saw my mom, you wouldn't judge us, you wouldn't say anything, you wouldn't tell anyone. And so it's those types of friends that you can call up like in your most shameful moments and they are there for you. Like, who are those people? And again, you only have one or two.

Andrea, what if we don't have that? Do you have ways to cultivate it?

Yes. And I think that it is really, I want to say it's really common, I think too when you get to be around our age is that, you know, you're not in college anymore. You know, I know probably a lot of your listeners are work by themselves and they don't have the coworkers. I think first and foremost have self compassion and be kind to yourself and watch if you're beating yourself up over it. The second thing is that you might have a friend that has potential and instead of thinking that you need to go out and find a brand new friend, you know, you don't need to go out and buy brand new boots. You might have boots in your closet that are going to work and you just need to work on it. And there's varying things that you can do, you can depends on the friendship. Depends on where you're at with a friendship. I have had clients who have geared up for the conversation and have come to their friend and basically said, I adore you and you know if they have to clean up any misses, they do that. If they have to say they're sorry for anything. But they basically say like, I would love to, for lack of a better sentence, like, I would love to take this friendship to the next level.

Yeah, totally.

And just lay out and say, like, here's what I'm thinking. You can use this podcast as an in, but it doesn't have to be like that either, because that's an uncomfortable conversation. But it's just, you test the water as you share little bits at a time. You know, like when you have a moment, you could say, like, you know, maybe like 2012 was a really hard year for us and here's what happened. And you share something. Maybe you struggled in the past with depression and you share that and like, see how it's reciprocated. And so it's just these small, you know, research shows that trust is built in small increments over time. It's not these big sweeping gestures. It's these just small little things. I had a woman in my, in one of my online classes who said that she was having dinner with one of her friends and she was sharing something important with this friend, and her friend put her fork down in the middle of a meal and listened to her. That is a small increment of building trust. And I said, did you thank her for it? She's like, I did. And so, and that is another way to build trust is to acknowledge it and say, thank you so much. It meant the world to me. And so it's, it's small gestures like that.

There are so many challenges to business that I don't want starting to be one of them for you. And when you want more, when you're starting a business, you need Northwest Registered Agent because you get access to thousands of free guides, tools and legal forms to help you launch and protect your business. And it's all in one place. You can build your complete business identity with Northwest today. Northwest Registered Agent has been helping small business owners and entrepreneurs launch and grow business for nearly 30 years. They're the largest registered agent and LLC service in the US with over 1500 corporate guides. Real people who know your local laws and can help you and your business every step of the way. You can sign up for free account to begin managing your business hub with lawyer drafted operating agreements, bylaws, resolutions, membership certificates, bills of sale, and more at no cost. Northwest makes life easy for business owners. They don't just help you form your business, they give you the free tools you need after you form it. Like operating agreements, meeting minutes and thousands of how to guides that explain the complicated ins and outs of running a business. And let me me tell you, this is life changing because I had no idea how much went into this. So don't wait. Protect your privacy, build your brand and get your complete business Identity in just 10 clicks and 10 minutes. Visit www.northwestregisteredagent.com Earn free and start building something amazing. Get more with Northwest registered agent at www.northwestregisteredagent.com forward/earfree.

The what you just offered is just complete gold. I'm so grateful for it because I can see it in the past couple years of my life where, you know, it's been built in really small things like that because I had all of these amazing relationships but I didn't have that person or those people that I felt like I wanted to confide in because I was always the people pleaser, like I will listen, I will do whatever, but I wasn't sharing anything in my life and getting vulnerable with them. And it was like, you know, I think I, I don't know if it was a fear around it or just I got so used to people pleasing. Oh, I thought I'd be a burden. That's really how I felt, to be quite honest with you.

Exactly what I hear all the time. Yes. People feel like the reason they don't share is they feel like they're going to be a burden. They don't want to waste anybody's time. They think that nobody else has those problems. They're embarrassed, they might be ashamed. There's nothing. Those are the main reasons that people don't. So it's interesting that you say that, and I want to just kind of point this out is that if your friend said that to you, like I didn't tell you that because I didn't want to be a burden. Would you be like, yeah, that would be kind of burdensome.

Sometimes you tell me, I'd be like, what is your problem?

Why would you tell me? Right. You could look at it, I mean, not to spank you or anything, but it's kind of selfish. You're keeping that in. It makes you feel good to be that person for someone else. Right. Right.

Yeah.

So you're keeping it from them by keeping in your own stuff.

Yeah. And, and it's kind of crazy because when I started sharing, and we'll, we'll speak to this too, when I started sharing I had like extreme vulnerability, hangover. Like I'd share And then the whole night, I'd spend the night like, I can't believe I just shared that. Oh, my God, I don't feel safe. Like, I know that she's safe, but I don't feel safe. And I would just go on this freakout mode. And sometimes it could last a day or two days. And now that's much better. But, I mean, that's a real thing. It's super intense when you first start sharing, right?

It's super intense. Especially if you're not used to it at all and. Or if you're not used to it with that particular person. I still have vulnerability hangovers all the time. And it's funny now, when I'm sharing something with someone, I say it out loud. I'm like, I know I'm going to have a vulnerability hangover from this. And, you know, it's like the words are just coming out. But that's totally normal. It's totally normal. Especially again, especially because we are not used to it. It's a muscle that we have to flex.

It's not.

We don't just. All of a sudden, it's exactly the same as working out. Like, it's. It's. You don't just do it once and then you're done. And it's. And it's easy. It is something. It's learning a new language. It is definitely something that you have to get used to in practice.

So what are some of the main things that come up around. I know that you work with so many women. What are some. Some of the main things that come up around perfectionism and control? What areas do they try to control in their life the most and what's happening from it?

The women I work with like to micromanage. They like to micromanage at home. They definitely like to be in charge of their partners. They like to control their children, whether it's, you know, everything that they're eating or their extracurricular activities and, you know, schedules and things like that. And even. Even down to things like laundry and. And things like that, they do not like it when things go awry. You know, uncertainty is an enemy to them. And I should say to us, because, you know, it's like, I'm in the boat with them. I don't know. There's women over there.

Amen.

And perfectionism is definitely. They want to look great on the outside. And so that doesn't always just mean their bodies and what they're wearing and, you know, their outer appearance. It's their job. It's their homes. It's their degrees and credentials. You know, the women I work with tend to be loaded up on master's degrees and, you know, hyper intelligence is something that they kind of struggle around as well, is they. The bottom line of it is that they don't feel good enough as they are with all of their flaws and uncertainties. And so they feel like they have to make up for it.

So why. But why? You know what I mean?

Because we live in America, the patriarchy. No, I'm not.

Yes, we live in America and we have a phone.

And. No, I mean, God, I mean, I don't. I don't mean to get like all feminist cheerleader on you, but it's really like we live in a culture that has. That does not make it easy for us to feel good about ourselves as we are. You know, it's like the economy thrives on women not feeling good enough. Sad to say, but it's true. And it's really about. It just is that we want to belong. Biologically, we want to belong. Our brains actually feel safety when we are like the others. And what we are bombarded with every day is this ideal of womankind that. That largely doesn't exist. And that is why I think perfectionism exists so much. I mean, I could go on and on about that, but like, in a nutshell, that's why.

So about belonging, because I really. It's kind of like if we can create a new way to belong, then all of a sudden these things can kind of. They don't go away, but they're just not amplified in our life. So what are some different ways that in your life or with your people that you work with that you've created places where you know you can show up to them and you feel. Because at the end of the day, it is all about belonging, right? And feeling significant. So what are some healthy ways to do that?

I think for one, creativity. I mean, it's something that I haven't even mentioned yet. And I think that that is really important from so many aspects, but it is indirectly related to belonging because I think that when you are doing meaningful work in the world, when you are using whatever creative gift is yours and we all have one, I don't want anyone out there listening, thinking, I'm just not a creative person. You are. You're just not tapping into it. I don't care if it's cooking or quilting or singing or writing or shape shifting into animals like, I don't know what. We all have one And I think that's one of the ways to foster belonging. But I think it is not about having 100,000 Twitter followers. It is about having those. That's what we were just talking about is, like, these. I think that people's happiness is directly related to the health of their relationships. And again, it's not, because at the end of the day, your 100,000 Twitter followers aren't gonna show up for you when shit hits the fan. It's this very close core group of people, and even someone like you who, like, we see you on Instagram and myself included, and you're like, with all these people, like, laughing and having a great time, but it's like, when stuff is really hard, it's those, like, handful of people that you call on. And I don't mean to be, like, harping on, like, oh, these, like, crisis times. And maybe it's just fresh in my mind because my dad just died, I don't know. But I think that it's kind of the thing that no one talks about. You know, it's like, life happens and life is hard, but I mean, like, the day in and day out stuff. Yeah. But like, when stuff is really hard, that's when we are at risk for feeling like we don't belong because we hide out, you know, because we don't. We don't want anyone to know.

I love that. And. And to be honest with you, yes, I can literally name them immediately. There's three. And that's because I've truly spent the last two years cultivating that. Because I. Like I'd said before, I didn't have that. And I was like, holy crap, I have all these people around me and. But absolutely none of them, you know, were people that I would call. And now it wasn't necessarily even their fault. Like, it was because I wasn't putting in that work either. And I think that women think they need 100,000 friends. And to be honest with you, it's like. Like you said, those few that are so important because we. We just don't have the time to cultivate a ton of. That kind of deep.

You would be spread too thin. Yeah. Way too thin. So what did you. What do you think that you did when you kind of realized that you don't have these deep relationships? What are some of the things that you did?

I started to create space in my life for specific time where I would have, like, create times to connect. Like, really connect. And also, like you had said, it was almost like a script. Like, yeah, I Kind of went to these people and said, you know what? I would like to have deeper connections with women. Are you interested in doing this and meeting. We started to meet every other week, like via Skype, just for an hour. We wanted to see where it would go. Like, we kind of started with business in life, and from there, you know, it kind of started as like a business life mastermind, and it really just turned into like, life, kids, husbands, and business just naturally can follow that. But it was. It's just become these beautiful relationships. And it came from asking and feeling a little bit corny at first. And now I'm like, totally. No, no, ladies, you need a script sometimes.

You know, it's so awkward. It's like those dances in sixth grade. Remember when you would, like, have your hands on the boy's shoulders and he would, like, have them on? That's exactly how it is. Like, there's one tool as well that I want to throw out there, and it's the app Vox. Or do you use Voxer?

I've been used, you know, on iPhone. They have their version of Voxer. But my friend, literally right before this, I was using it, and she goes, please, for the love, get Voxer. So there you go.

I love it. I've been using it for years, and it has changed the way I communicate with my girlfriends. It's like a walkie talkie app. And basically it's for people who don't really want to talk on the phone because we talk on the phone a lot for work, and it's for people for messages. They're too long to text.

Yeah, I love that. That is such a good tool. And I'm actually going to do Voxer right after this, but I've been using the iPhone version, and I'm obsessed with it because it is like, hey, just thinking about you. You know, it's just little thoughts like that. And that's a great way to check in. Another thing I love to do is just on Mondays, I kind of named it in my head. Just More Care Mondays. Like, who can I show that I care a little bit to right now? Like, just so they know. Because I was so bad with that Andrea, I was like, how can I think that I'm gonna have these great women friends when I'm kind of an friend? Like, I'm like, yeah, well, I'm good, so you must be good, you know.

Yeah, I was. I was a total a hole friend like that. Yep. It was the worst. It was the worst.

So. And it doesn't have to Be these huge commitments. It can be little amounts of. Little amounts of time. Are there some things that you do just to stay in touch with different women?

Yeah. So, for instance, my very best friend in the world, Amy Smith, who I think was a guest on your show. I love her. I know. She is the best. You can't have her. She's getting an MRI on her knees on Friday, and I know it's been a really long time coming. She's, like, so excited to be able to figure out what's going on with her knees. And so I'm gonna make sure and leave her a message on Friday morning. So she knows that I know that it's the big day for her mri. So it's like. And I have to put that on my calendar. Like, I've got two kids, like, and I'm running a business. There's no way I'm just gonna remember. So I schedule in friendship stuff. I mean, it's things like that. And she would not be upset if she knew that it was in my calendar. Like, she does the same thing me. So it's. It's little things like that to just let that person know that you genuinely care about their life.

You know what? If I didn't do that in my calendar, people would. It just wouldn't happen. So. Right. So you guys use a calendar. If you are, like, trying to do life without a calendar. I have. It's probably not going so well. So how about different. Let's talk about just different behavioral patterns. I know there's so many people out there who are like, well, this is how I am. I'm an introvert. This is really tough for me. How do you feel about that?

Well, I think I love introverts. Like, I'm married to one. And I think that it doesn't matter whether your brain biology doesn't care if you're an introvert or an extrovert. Like, we need. This is why we are here on Earth is to connect with other people. It is proven fact. Like, we are here for connection. And I think that I don't expect people. That just means that you're not going to go out to parties and stand up on the table and be like, I'm looking for friends. Everybody who wants to apply. I just. I think that some people use personality traits. I'm using air quotes now as an excuse because you're scared. And I, like, I invite you to really look at that. Like, what are you afraid of might happen if you had a really good friend.

Mm. Okay. So I know I'm looking on your site right now and it just talks about perfectionism, control, isolation, people pleasing, numbing out and all that leading to not being good enough. And then the self talk that goes around it and it's just like the cycle, repeat cycle. So if we're in a cycle, we're like deep in it and we're listening and we're like, yeah, yeah, this all sounds good, but I don't even know where to start. What's something that you say to that them?

I would absolutely start with the way that you speak to yourself. And I think that so many women, myself included, I, when I first heard about negative self talk and self compassion, I was like, what are they? What does that mean? And, and then really when I started to take inventory of the way that I was speaking to myself, I was like, do you mean, do you mean that's not true? Wait a minute, wait a minute. It was mind blowing that I could actually change the way I speak to myself. And I want to stop for a second. I have yet to meet a person who. And you might be the first person I've met, but like I've yet to meet a person who has zero negative self talk.

Oh my God. I'm. This why I do this work is because it's a daily.

It's a daily practice that we have to do. And that because I get people still who they want to work with me and I'm like, what's your number one goal? It's like I want to stop this negative voice in my head. And I'm like, well, a lobotomy is pretty much your own answer. And I'm not a brain surgeon. So what we do is first is we take inventory. And this is probably the most painful part is break down different parts of your life. Career, body, relationships, your past, your future. When something doesn't go so great, or when you are scrolling through Facebook and you are comparing yourself to other women or you are thinking about going for a promotion or asking that guy out, what's going through your mind? Or when you. My favorite, when you step out of the mirror and see yourself naked, or it's bathing suit season and you're under fluorescent lighting and you're shopping for a bathing suit. Tell me the things that are going through your mind and write it out. And people are typically surprised. Some people aren't. Some people are aware of their own self talk and some people can't believe how badly they are assaulting themselves. And then we work from there and it really is a lifelong process. I'll tell you the difference of that used to be my norm. I would just talk trash to myself all the time. Now that I've worked on it for so long, I catch myself when it happens. Well, a. I know what my triggers are. Like, I don't watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show anymore. Like, like, just not gonna happen. Like, I never walk away from that feeling, like, amazing about myself ever. I don't even get the catalog anymore. And so, like, it's things like that, like knowing your triggers and sometimes you just can't avoid them. But that way, when you know your triggers, you know when you're in it. Like, you know when you are in the crock pot, like, boiling over. And also, it's about catching yourself. And I'm not a huge fan of positive affirmations. Like, I think that's. I don't know, like, by themselves. I don't think that they work that well. I like to stop. People have people stop themselves with, like, a mantra. There's so many that you can make up. And that just like, says, like, oh, I hear you. Like, I don't encourage people to tell their inner critic to screw off. I think that, you know, people use much more colorful language. Usually when they say that that's going to be their mantra. I think the way I look at it is like, girl, you've been at war with yourself for so long. Can you put the boxing gloves down? Like, don't need to be at war with yourself anymore. Let's try a different path. And that is self compassion. You know, our inner critic just wants us to be safe. Our inner critic just wants us to not get hurt. It just has a really crappy way of communicating it to us. So that's really where I liked. I mean, I could go on and on about the inner critic. It's the basis of the work that I do. And what it really is, Lori, and you know, this, it is practicing it it on a consistent basis.

I love that so much. And honestly, it wasn't until I really turned to compassion from, you know, the things that I'm thinking in my head that things actually started to change. Because I think I was addicted to, like, thinking that the more I was mean to myself, the more I'd be scared away from it. But it was totally the opposite. So now I can actually hear what I say to myself when those thoughts are coming up. It's like, oh, I see you, or oh, girl. That way does not work. Like, let's try a new way. Like, let's love ourselves in a new way. Like, what would feel better right now? Or think about something? I mean, if. If I'm having, like, a bad body image day or something like that, I'm like, what. What do you love about yourself or your life or what's awesome like, that you can look outside into the. Even if it's the sky or a palm tree or something? Because I think what happens is when we're thinking, those thoughts were so inside of ourselves, I can't even see what's around me. Like, literally, I'm like, what room am I in? Where am I right now? What. What year is it?

It's. It's a total spinning and lost thoughts. And I also. I just want to.

To.

Is that. I see that's really common in the women, especially when they're kind of first starting out with this work, is they get scared and they think, like, if I don't have that voice, how am I going to be motivated to do anything? They look at that voice as if it's what keeps them in line. It's what keeps them in check. It keeps them, like, striving for betterment. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. That is. You don't. It's a bully is what it is. And it's like. And it's like a verbal assault. And that. That is not going. Nobody beats themselves up into betterment. Nobody beats the crap out of themselves into better shape. It's like, how. It's like injuring yourself over and over again and expecting to, like, stay in shape and be in shape. It's not going to happen. And. And a lot of the women that I work with have dichotomous thinking. It's like that black or white thinking. Either I am perfect at what I do and. And striving for the absolute perfection, or I'm a slacker loser who is a big fat slob.

Oh, man.

And there.

There is a middle ground. Am I singing your song?

Just thinking. Okay, so I was at Orange Theory on Monday, and I literally am just in a place of, like, I'm. I'm enjoying my workouts. I'm not. I have some goals, but I'm like, literally just good. Like, I'm just enjoying that piece of my life right now. And there was a girl on the treadmill next to me, and she was, like, totally inspiring me. Like, she had it cranked all the way up. So I get off and, you know, when. When the session was over, I was like, oh, my gosh, you were Totally inspiring me. And she's like, well, I was only running so hard because I haven't gotten my Christmas weight off. And I just kept telling myself how gross I was that I haven't gotten Christmas weight off. I just about died. I wanted to, like, hold her and rock her and be like, oh, my gosh, girlfriend. Like, it just reminded me of what maybe that entire room was thinking.

Yeah, that's how I used to be.

I just wanted to. To be like. Like, there's a better way that you can still reach your goals. You can still feel good. But, you know, and she was a lot younger, too. And clearly I'm not about to throw down on the orange.

I probably would have been that floor.

In that moment, but. But it just really reminded me where, you know, most of the world is being a female and how we get stuck in that pattern. And it is a pattern.

You know, it is a pattern. And. And it's.

And it. And it's.

So. I'll tell you something. Like, it is so much more. There's so much more freedom and beauty over here. And I invite anyone listening. Who was that girl at orangetheory who, you know, stares at whatever part of her body in the mirror, you know, and says those things that that girl was saying, that. That is not going. That doesn't burn calories. I'll tell you that much. Doesn't burn extra calories. It doesn't make you a better human. It just makes you more sad. And just. And there's. There's. Again, I just can't emphasize more how much more freedom there is. And I. I feel like I have been more successful in my business, in my friendships, in my relationships because of the way that I speak to myself now and because that I give myself compassion. It does not mean that I let myself off the hook all the time. I do give myself permission to skip workouts, to have some Pringles if I want them, and. And things like that. But it's like, I. I know when I am numbing out on food, and, like, I know when I just. I think that you need to get to a point where you know what the difference is. And again, I just can't emphasize how much the way that you speak to yourself is everything, you know, and it's.

It's bringing me back to just the conversation around friends, like, the vulnerability hangover. The first time you're nice to yourself, you're like. Like you said, you're kind of freaked out. Like, oh, my God, I'm never going to reach my Goals. I'm going to start, you know, eating whole pizzas again. Like, you're gonna go back to the old way that you were. And that's absolutely not it. It's kind of just like giving yourself that voice that you would have needed when you were younger or giving yourself just that you're absolutely not going to. I'm trying to, I'm trying to figure out what happens on the other side of that, like when we start being nice to ourselves, but understanding that you're still gonna wake up and you're gonna do those rituals that make you feel good. So when we just start looking at how amazing our bodies are and how great working out is for yourself or your mindset or your mood and focusing on other things that it does outside of making you look a certain way and how we. Incredible. What a miracle our body is. I think that's really when we can start to shift as well. What are some different things that you focus on?

That's a good question. I think that, I think I, I want to speak to comparison for a second because I think that it is such a big culprit in negative selft talk. And I think that we make up that because somebody else has something that we don't, that A, we can never achieve it and B, and I think that this is the most harmful one, that because we don't have it, we are less than or we aren't good enough or. So I think that I, again, like, I keep coming back to the awareness piece being so huge, is that just catching yourself in it is monumental. Like, I want that to be the win for people. Like, just catching yourself. I remember a couple years ago I was online and I, you know, probably everyone listening knows who Gabrielle Bernstein is and we have the same literary agent. And so I always felt like, you know, I was like one degree away from Gabby. And so I was online and she had posted something that she was going to London for a speaking engagement. And I immediately thought to myself, like, I will never be an international speaker. Like, she probably jet sets all over the world, she doesn't have kids. Like, she, she gets to do whatever she wants in her is probably so much better than mine. And I'm like, you know, I'm like totally feeling sorry for myself. Like, wa, wa. And I, I, I only was there for about probably less than a minute. Like quite honestly, like less than a minute. And I, I, I caught myself. It was almost like, like the cartoons, like shaking your head back. We're like, and like, shut my laptop. I'M like, oh, my gosh. And, like. And I. I knew immediately that I was in it. And that is such a huge win because the old me would have gone and read, like, every single blog post that she's ever written and, like, drank an entire bottle of wine and just felt and then hated her. And, you know, she is the worst. She's, like, actually a lovely human being. And it just. I think that it is such an incredible feeling to stop yourself and say, again. I don't even think. I didn't even, in those moments say, like, andrea, everything's gonna be great. You're going to be, you know, like, I didn't even go down there. It was more like. Like, okay, that just happened. Like, that's what I tell myself in those moments. And I can walk away and do something else, like, go get a drink of water or go just. It doesn't have to be these. Like, you don't have to, in those moments, go and do mirror work or, you know, the.

I love you. You're beautiful. Yes.

Yeah, I mean, you can. If that. If that feels really good.

If it works and there's a mirror around. Yes.

Right. Feel like getting undressed. It doesn't have to be that grandiose. Like, again, I want the listeners to know that. That the win can be that you stopped yourself in that moment and you saw it. You saw the train coming before it ran over you. Like, that's a big.

Yes. Honestly, that is it, like, the. It's those little, tiny shifts that are everything. And, like, for real, for years, for me, and it still is. I just say no. Like, if I was doing that to Gabby or to anyone, I say no. And then I say thank you, you to her and to noticing, because it's like, thank you for being an example of what can happen. And also, I'm just so grateful to notice that, you know, that's just a mirror, like, of where we can go, what we can do. And it's like, nope, great, thanks. That's perfect. And then move on. Like, okay, keep going, Keep moving.

What do you need to do? Went on an unfollowing frenzy on Instagram earlier this year. I. I spent a period of months where I wasn't working out at all, and I wasn't feeling super awesome about myself. And I noticed I had followed a lot of different fitness people. I did not unfollow you, though.

Okay.

Thank you. But I follow. And the reason that I followed him, I'm like, oh, I like their little videos. And, like, I thought that it was gonna add to my fitness regime. And I realized it was doing nothing but making me feel worse about the fact that I wasn't working out and the fact that I had put on a little bit of weight. So I unfollowed them all. And here's kind of the funny story is that when I went to unfollow them, like, as my finger hovered over the. My inner critic was like, well, now you're never going to get your fitness back. And I was like, what? Because I'm unfollowing 10 people on Instagram? Like that? Yep. It's all shot to crap, you know, like. But that. It's kind of ridiculous. And so I went and followed, like, really funny, funny accounts, you know, like Richard Simmons and Pee Wee Herman instead, just because, like, that makes me laugh and that sense makes me. So it just. It's. Again, it's your triggers, too. Know your triggers.

That's so perfect. And that could be a whole other conversation about following your happiness and how you get great results in your life and every other department from that. But clearly I need to have you on again, especially when your book comes out. So we'll. We'll plan. I'm just forcing you into it. Do you like that? It's like this verbal forcing.

Yes. Evening.

Okay. Perfect. So, annrea, I just want to acknowledge you, and I want to thank you for this amazing, fierce work that you do in the world, because truly, women need to hear it. And you're totally going first, and you're exposing everything that you deal with. And I just think it's so beautiful because it lets people show up as humans and be a human. Human as we are. And that's the best part. Right? So I just want to thank you so much for that and for coming on the show today.

Thanks for having me.

And, you know, I have a closing question.

Okay.

Okay. Are you ready? Okay. So you are on a quick elevator ride with someone, probably 30 seconds, and they look over at you and they say, how can I make myself happy? What do you say?

Oh, my gosh. I have 30 seconds.

Seconds.

Tell me the thing. I would ask them questions. I would say, like, what. What breaks your heart? And tell me that. And I would. I would take those. I would use those 30 seconds to connect with them and tell me what breaks your heart. And I just listen and show them what actually being with someone is when they rip their heart open and show you what it looks like on the inside and make them feel that they're okay and that they're not broken, that there's nothing wrong with them, that they don't quote unquote need to get their shit together. That all they need to do is get comfortable showing all of themselves with the people that are safe. And that's what happiness is.

I love that so much. And where can we find you? Follow you? What's going on in your world right now?

I met all the handles at your kickass life and I have the seven day courage challenge come up coming up. Which is all about coincidentally negative self talk.

Perfect. So that's@your kickasslife.com you guys, I have everything linked up in the show show notes. So go check it out. And if you loved this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it with your friends. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye everyone. Bye. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review. If you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye Bye.