168: How to Select the RIGHT People for a Tribe Who Help You Reach the Next Level

Foreign. Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the earn your happy podcast. And it's time for another quickie because there's always time to fit in inspiration. And I'm so glad that you guys are making the time right now because something that I am so aware of is if I am not feeling inspired, I'm not gonna go throw myself into a place or listen to things or do things that do not make me feel inspired. In fact, I'm gonna go quite the opposite. I'm gonna listen to a podcast of someone who is inspired or doing awesome things or getting awesome guests on or saying awesome things that are gonn elevate you. Or I'm going to read literature and find those people who are in a space of feeling good. Otherwise, much like this podcast that I'm about to talk about, you are going to match that level of energy eventually. It's going to kind of chisel at you after time, right? So today's podcast is brought to you by my Bliss Project event. Talking about tribe. This is the place to find your tribe and you can go to the bliss project.info if you guys want to show up there. March 2nd through the 4th, 2018. This is once a year. It is all about busting through your fears and creating all of that beautiful accountability, making friends who are going to support you and truly just having the best time of your life and having a reference point for really experiencing what it would feel like to be the you that you know that you are. So you get to try that woman on, see what it feels like, go through a bunch of interactive exercises and really create the life of your dreams, set goals and have the people to check back in with you. So if you guys want to be there, the blissproject.info it truly is a weekend that will accelerate the rest of your life. So talking on that exact subject, I have been feeling the importance of my Tribe so much lately because with every new level, there's a new devil, right? That's what I just talked about in Mastin Kip's podcast this last week and that's one of the quotes that he said. With every new level, there's a new devil, right? So we think that as we grow, we're just going to get stronger. Things aren't going to phase us, things aren't going to be hard, but it's equally as challenging. But you just get more used to it, right? It's just like a workout. So what happens with your workout is it's not like all of a sudden you do this basic workout, you get good at it, your body changes and you never have to keep upping the level. You always have to up the level to grow and it's always going to be challenging. I've never gone to the gym over period of a week and been like, yeah, that was a cakewalk, you know, because it's all, it's always either been mentally challenging or the weights felt heavy or something that I had to constantly keep learning every single week. So, you know, we do that to challenge ourselves, to put ourselves under resistance, to push through. It teaches us beautiful things. But going back to tribe, I've pulled some words that tribe means to me and especially this last week for me has been challenging in the best way. So what's happening is as more and more people, because I'm doing these 14 day challenges, which we just ended one, as more and more people come into my tribe and into my space, you know, I get really diverse people now. It's not just the people who are hearing my words and wanting to follow me because they resonate with the messages and the people that I'm bringing onto the show, but it's people who maybe they want to work out so they're hearing the workout message, but maybe they've never heard the other messages and maybe they're not in a place of self development whatsoever. So I'm getting a lot of different people and it's making me be even more compassionate about where people are at and meeting them where they're at because we cannot please everyone. And a lot of that has to go with me being okay with knowing I'm not going to please everyone and that I am going to be misunderstood and that I don't need to explain myself and to allow those people to be on their own journey and just see if I can check in to do better. If I'm making someone upset for some reason and understanding when it's not me and when it's their stuff. So with that said said, I just completed a 14 day challenge and, you know, you have a lot of different people with a lot of different personalities and I've really had to tap into my tribe to feel supported during some of the things that came my way, which were not terrible by any means. But it's definitely knowing that you cannot please everyone even though it's a free, totally free, capital f r e e challenge. With that said, I've tapped into my tribe a lot for support, really understanding how to let go and how to have compassion and how to look at yourself and say, where could I be better? But then where does that shame or guilt end? Around wondering if it's you or them. Right. And putting a kibosh on it. So for me, I am a verbal processor. So if I do not get to verbally process some things that go on, I feel like a crazy train. So anybody else relate to that? I feel like, oh, my gosh, like I'm going to go down this spiral on my own. I feel anxious. I go to this place where, you know, I'm like, well, maybe it was me. Oh, my God, what did I do? I feel so bad. And I follow that bad feeling. So again, if you listen to that interview last week with Mast and Kip, we talk a lot about how our bodies are telling our. How our bodies tell our mind what to think. So if I'm sitting here feeling bad about something and I feel it in my body, the more I feel it in my body because of my thoughts, it's like this boomerang spiral and it's just going to go lower because I feel bad in my body. Then my thoughts feel bad and then the thoughts make me feel worse and then it feels worse in my body and my body tells my brain to feel even worse. You get me? I don't have to keep going. But that is what the spiral looks like. You cannot get out sometimes quickly, right? No matter how many times you're like, think a good thought. Think a good thought. You're like, I can't freaking think a good thought right now. I feel terrible. That's why for me, moving my body and processing with my tribe, so some of the things that I did to feel better was I went for a walk. I would call a friend and say, hey, do you mind if I just talk through this? I walked with my husband. I'm like, just don't say a word because I don't need an answer. I just really need to say all of this stuff out loud. And I probably processed about four different times, some different things and I felt like I saying the same thing over and over. But eventually, you know what happens is your tribe is there to give you some great feedback as well, but also just to hear you. And I ended up, you end up kind of solving it. It needs to come up and out a lot of the time. So if you know you're a verbal processor, you have to create those spaces in your life for you to be able to do that. I'm not saying vomit all over your friends. I'm saying know that you are also going to take turns and be the per person that is going to be processed on as well and hold that space for them. So I never used to have this space in my life. I never used to have this space where I could because I was always the person where I was like, no, I'm the listener. I'm gonna help you solve your problem. That's what makes me feel good. And I felt bad when I would actually process with other people. I felt like I was a drag. I felt like I was bringing them down. And then what would happen is it just got so heavy and so much that I wouldn't want to actually make friends or make a tribe because I viewed a tribe as a one way street. So I didn't realize that I had to take initiative and say, do you mind if I process as well or do you mind if I process? And whenever you need to, we can have this relationship together. You guys, we have to create boundaries and we have to set clear just ideas of what this relationship is. So if you have a friend that you'd like to go to another level and say, hey, you know, there's. I'm a verbal processor. There's a lot of times I'd love to process what I'm feeling out loud and maybe if you could just hold space for me and I'd love to do that for you. You know, even sometimes 10, 15 minutes is game changing. You have to say how you feel so that it's not a one way street for the part both party or for one party or the other if that sense. So it's creating these spaces in your life to process. So tribe getting back to why tribe. So tribe for me is about knowing that I have those people that I'm going to be able to process with. Knowing that I have those people that I'm going to have support from. Knowing those people that I can get really strategic with, knowing Those people who are really good at holding me accountable, who are going to help me execute and then those who are going to help me celebrate. Now, a few of the people in your tribe are going to be just one of these things, right? You can't hold them to everything. And then other people are gonna be maybe almost all of them. And then maybe you don't have someone who's almost all of them. And that's great too because when I was building my tribe it was like, okay, I know that that is the woman who is gonna support me. Okay, I know that that is the person who's gonna help me execute because they are just straight linear thinkers. And that's just my person who's like, no bs, doesn't wanna talk about feelings, but is like gonna just totally help me execute exactly what I wanna do. Because they like to just run hard and going to have those women who are going to celebrate with me, like they are just going to hold me up. They're going to make me sit and really think about what happened afterward, the impact that went on. They're going to make sure I have fun. They're going to know that part of my personality and be like, are you making sure that you're slowing down? So I've had to collect these people over time and the importance of these people, it's, it's game changing. And with every level you're going to maybe find a new person, right? So don't stress out. If you have zero tribe right now, what is something that you need most? Maybe you need that processor. Maybe you need to say, hey, you know, I would love to have a deeper relationship with you. I think you're amazing. Do you mind if we just have like once a week calls where for 20 minutes we get on the phone, you talk for 10 minutes about what's up for you, I'll talk for 10 minutes about what's up for me. We'll totally time it and then we'll get off the phone so that it never feels like a drag. So even when we don't want to get on, we know it's only 20 minutes and we get to really process because I think this is gonna really change the game for both of us if we both know this is how we function.

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So you guys, it has been huge for me in order to feel supported, right? You know that quote, in order to feel supported, you have to support yourself first. So who do you need first? How can you create that conversation? And for the love of Pete, like do not word vomit on them and allow them to do the same exact thing and create a time structure on it. Like I said, 10 and 10 or 5 and 5 or 20 and 20. Just say what is the least amount that we could talk where we keep it consistent, right? Otherwise what happens is if you start going over those boundaries of time, someone's not going to want to do it. This is what my book actually is all about. A Tribe Called Bliss, which is coming out next May. It's all about that. Like a huge reason why we cannot keep tribe or get tribe or want to stay in a tribe is because we start to feel like the relationship is not even. It's not fair and it becomes a challenge or a dragon rather than it being a huge compliment to your life. So we have to learn these boundaries. And as a female, that's really hard as a male too for so many of us because we want to be people pleasers. But you can either be a really, really lonely, stressed out people pleaser or someone with a lot of amazing tribe who has some really fierce boundaries and it doesn't feel good to do those fierce boundaries. But let me tell you, you can't keep your tribe and not everyone's gonna like that either. But let me tell you, you either have some people who are not happy, but you have an incredible, deep, profound, supportive tribe where you feel like you could freaking do anything in the entire world or you're really lonely people pleaser where you're actually secretly not pleasing everyone anyway because you never can. So you pick, you pick the pain because no matter what, there's always going to be pain. But you pick the one with the reward, right? I'm gonna pick the one with the reward. So my boundaries for some people are going to be too much. They're not going to be for that because they have no boundaries. So remember that if you say no to someone, if you put boundaries on something and they get really offended, it's only because they have no boundaries in their life and they don't understand. And that's okay. That's where the compassion comes in, you guys. So I hope that this helped you. I hope that you look for someone who can help you process right? Because it pretty much goes process, support, strategies, accountability, execute and celebrate. This is what a tribe does. This is where you might need to help find those people in your life who can do all those things for you. And which one do you need to focus on first? Which one would move the needle the most? Which one is the easiest that you can start implementing? That's actually the main question. What's the easiest one that you can start implementing? Where can you start putting your focus to find that person? Because if you haven't found what you wanted yet, it's simply because you have not applied focus consistently. I know that's not super fun to hear, especially for someone like me who's all over the place sometimes, but it's always about the focus. Have you been focusing long enough, hard enough, and really been putting your intention. Intention behind it? Because we can have the thoughts, but if the intention and the action is not there, it will never happen. All right, you guys, thank you so much for being on. Have the most amazing week and I'm always so grateful for you. So make sure you follow me on Instagram at Lori harder. Shoot me an insta story. Shoot me a message. Let me know what topics you'd love to hear. I get a lot of topics from you guys, so. And I always, always, always love hearing from you. So grateful for you. And until next time, earn, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, Tell us what you think, Tell us what you want to hear. More of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye. Bye.