284: Free Yourself from Your Lies That Keep You Small – Girl, Wash Your Face

Honestly, I think so often what most of us need is just for someone else to go. You're okay. You're safe. You're going to be fine. Keep going.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited to have you here and today's guest is incredibly amazing. But before I get to that, I want to remind you that I want to see you in one of the rooms at my book tour. I'm hoping that you are able to make it. I am heading to Chicago, Austin, Atlanta and Nashville. So if you are in any of those cities or you know anyone in any of those cities, please let them know because we are about to have the most amazing time. You guys, it sold out last time in every single city. So make sure that if you want tickets, you are going to a tribecalled bliss.com right now to go reserve your seat and meet some incredible women. I'm telling you, this could change your life. You could meet someone that you're going to do business with. You could meet a new best friend. You could meet someone who has some answers for you that maybe you've been waiting on or just some really beautiful, authentic connection. It's an evening with a talk with a Q and A and with pictures and connection. So it's going to be an incredible time. I'm telling you, it is so much fun. We pretty much spend the whole time connecting and laughing and just really talking about the different things that happen when we attempt to connect with other people and also reconnecting that connection with ourselves so that we can be the highest versions of ourselves. So back to the show, you guys. Today's guest, Literally, I am like, I'm geeking out because I love this woman so much. I had been following her for a while, watching her do her events, read her book, and I was like, oh my God, this is my homegirl. Like I'm obsessed with her. And then Got to do this podcast. And I will tell you, this woman is so authentically real, nothing changes wherever she shows up and just wants to give and has such a heart of a servant leader. And I can't wait for you to listen to this conversation because it's just, it's so incredibly authentic just to who she is and really where we are at in the true stories that we put ourselves through and all of the lies that we tell ourselves. So I know that this podcast, no matter what lie you're telling yourself, you're really going to be to have the tools to rethink it and really tap back into your power. So if you haven't figured it out yet, my guest today is Rachel Hollis and she is a number one New York Times bestselling author of Girl wash your face, which seriously, you guys, oh my God, it has already sold millions of copies and it just came out. That is like record setting. That does not happen. So this is absolutely incredible. And she is a TV personality, top motivational speaker, top podcast host, CCO of Hollis Company and mother. Okay, mother of four. Yes, mother of four. One, two. That's four children. Rachel was named by Inc. Magazine as one of top 30 entrepreneurs under 30. And she's deeply passionate about empowering women in business, which I know that you know that if you follow her. She's known as the Tony Robbins for women because of her motivational high energy sty. And she has a unique ability to empower and embody a female audience. Motivational, inspirational, and always, always approachable. Rachel's tell it like it is attitude is a refreshing approach that allows her to authentically connect with audiences everywhere. Her company, the Hollis Company, exists to arm people with tools to make positive and lasting change. And they can do this by creating media products, inspiration and community that challenges their audience to reach for a better version of themselves every day. So I cannot wait for you to just tune into this conversation with us because it's going to feel like you're right there with us. And let's get started. Rachel, this is such an exciting moment for me to have you on here. And we were just talking before the podcast that you probably hear it all the time. And I, I think it's actually one of the biggest compliments that, you know, I love getting and I love giving is when you truly feel like you know somebody. So I'm so thrilled to actually be like, you're alive on the other end, like you're speaking back to me. Like, nor I'm used to speaking to you, but you normally don't, like, respond to me, so.

Oh, my gosh. That's such a sweet thing to say. Thank you so much. I'm so tickled to be here.

So grateful. And, you know, it's funny is I can say there's some people who come on my podcast that, like, when I ask girlfriends what they want to know, they, like for you, they literally dropped everything. They're like, okay, I want to ask her this, this, this, and this, because it feels that way. So I think that what's happening is I'm just taking so many notes on what authenticity looks like, and it's so beautiful because I really believe you're letting us write what it looks like for us, and that's just so freaking awesome. So thank you so much for being here.

Oh, my gosh, of course.

So how are you? How have you been? First of all, I just want. How's it going in the middle of everything that you have going on right now?

It is, like, the most blessing and the hardest thing I've ever tried to navigate. It's very interesting to navigate. I don't even know. Like, I don't even have the right words for it. Like an overabundance, like a blessing that is overwhelming. I've certainly navigated hard times where, from the outside, people could understand why it might be difficult for you to manage a season. But it's this really interesting space to be in because it's only good stuff, but it's. That comes with its own. Its own feelings of overwhelm. And it's not really something that you can say, because then I feel like people are like, well, how dare you? Like, all this good stuff's happening. Why would that be scary? Or why would that stress you out? Or why? And I'm like, okay. So it's just. I am super blessed. I'm also super tired, and I'm just learning to navigate it. I'm truthfully better than I was two months ago, better than I was three months ago, because, you know, the book came out, and probably, like, you. Like, I've been working at this for a long time, and the book came out, and it did well. It did better than anything I'd ever had, but it didn't. It didn't go crazy. And so we're sort of plotting along, you know, doing our thing, and then it exploded. And it really was hard. It was hard. And I hate to say that, because I feel like if I heard someone say that, I'd maybe want to punch them in the face. Like, oh, how dare you. But I just felt like all of a sudden, the number of people. I know you do this too. But, like, I'm responding to the DMs, I'm responding to the emails. I'm trying to show up for my community, and all of a sudden that number doubles and the need is still there. And it was just a lot. So navigating that season, I found myself, because it was stressing me out. I was slipping back into behaviors that I had worked so hard to get out of. So anxiety or drinking too much or eating food that didn't make me feel good or not working out like I should. And now I'm carrying the added guilt of, holy crap, now I'm not living as the person I'm living at because I'm sort of, like, backtracking to old stuff, old bad habits. And so there's just all this stuff. And it really took for me. It was a lot of. It was a lot of prayer and a lot of time and gratitude and a lot of the stuff that helped me get past anxiety the first time. And honestly, the biggest difference maker for me was. And this to me is totally God, because I was just like, please, Lord, please, I need to talk to someone about this. And I don't know who to talk about it to. And I had a handful of people in the personal development space, like mutual friends that we both have, that I didn't know who reached out to me. Ed and Lewis and Brendan and Mel Robbins. There's all these people who are like, hey, sis, we see you. We've been there. Let us know if you need to talk about this. So it just was really cool and that helped. Honestly, I think so often what most of us need is just for someone else to go. You're okay. You're safe. You're gonna be fine. Keep going. So that's how I am.

I love that. And I love that you're sharing that, because I think it's so important for people to see that, because it doesn't matter if it's at your level or whatever level is next for them. Those same feelings all come. They just get a little bit. They can get a little bigger with the next levels. But I also think for who you're talking to, they all want to go somewhere big like that. And I think it's important to see, well what ended up happening with you and how did you get through it. And I love that you just shared. I think what happens as we start to transcend more and we get to the Next levels is it's not that we necessarily even like become super strong. It's that we, we learn how to support ourselves more. And like, like, oh my God, you had these people to reach out to because kind of. So I had the same thing happen, but not at the level that you were at, but just I found myself like every single night. I was trying to respond to DMs and like, what would make this easier? Because this feel a lot right now. So I was like popping cans of champagne. Yes, I said cans of champagne.

I love it. I love it. Yeah. For me, the biggest. I think I've said this a few times lately, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself. But the biggest thing for me, so I am totally self taught, everything that I know from like how to deal with anxiety to how to run a business, I learned on Google and YouTube and podcasts. Like, I am a sponge. So when I get in a season or a situation where I don't know what to do, the way that I always deal with my insecurity is through knowledge. Like, to me, knowledge is the, is the thing to battle back against insecurity. So I'm feeling insecure. So I'm like, I'm gonna consume everything. And I was listening to Ed's. Ed Mylett, we both love. I was listening to Ed's podcast and he was interviewing Juliana Huff and her husband. And there was just this little nugget. I was packing for a trip. I wasn't really like paying attention, but there's little nugget. And Ed said that he coaches a lot of people in sports. And he says for sports stars, there's a moment where their success surpasses the vision that they had for their life. And they will unintentionally start to self sabotage to bring themselves back down to a level that they're comfortable with. And I was like, that's what I'm doing.

Oh my God.

Right? Like, I was like, I would literally, I was standing in my closet packing for a trip and I was like, holy crap, that's what I'm doing. And it was the simplest answer. He was like, dream a bigger dream. That's what you need to do. You need to dream a bigger dream. You surpass your vision. So if you don't get a new vision, if you don't get something bigger to look at, then of course this feels overwhelming. But if you have a bigger vision for your life, then you can look at this season and go, oh, well, this is just a step. Yeah, this is a stepping stone to there. So I'm fine. So anyway, that was a huge understanding for me.

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Oh, I love that. So much so. And I love that you're sharing about anxiety, because I'm finding this is such a massive topic for. It's a huge topic for me. It was one of the reasons I even started doing what I was doing is because I was like, I am going to end up in a padded room if I don't start facing my stuff. And I had heard you recently talk about, you were like, you know, you weren't sure if medication was the way you were gonna go or what you were gonna do. And I feel the same way about it. And I ended up doing it for like a year and it turning out even worse than where I was at than before I did it. So for me, and this is, it's all personal for each individual case. But for me, what happened is it took me down even further and I was like, oh, my God, I have to confront it. And then I had to learn how. So it's really in those moments of the anxiety, of the fear, that's the. When we find the tools. And that's what I love that you teach is just a lot of the stuff that you talk about is because you had to save yourself. Totally.

Yeah. Getting past anxiety for me was like, it wasn't a quick journey, and it's still bubbling up. And I think that that's so often people are looking for a quick fix. They're looking for, like, what can I do? How can I? And I just. I want to be super clear about this. Like, if you need the medicine, take the medicine. Like, I had an older brother who was schizophrenic. He's not with us because he didn't take the medicine. I'm a huge proponent of if you need it, you got to do it. But if that for you isn't the answer, and it's not the answer for a lot of people, then the only way that you're going to get past the state of suffering Is to confront it. And confronting it for me looks like a lot of therapy, which sucked. Like, I didn't like therapy, I didn't want to do therapy, but it helped because it gave me the tools. Remember, I like, I confront insecurity with knowledge. So gave me some knowledge on how to battle that. And then I had to actively pursue, okay, what is a trigger for me? Does it get worse if I have too much caffeine? Yes. Does it get worse if I'm not getting enough sleep?

Yes.

Does it get worse if I'm around certain people? Yes. Does it get worse? A massive thing for me is if I'm not working out every day, my anxiety will be back in a week. That is such an important for me. So I had to figure out what were those things that were really making it worse. And that meant I had to give up some stuff that I really liked. Maybe some friends or maybe some my afternoon, three shots of espresso or something crazy and I had to give up. Like so often I think a lot of my anxiety, and I think this manifests for women often is anxiety takes root in feeling like you're gonna disappoint people, or feeling like you're gonna make people mad, or feeling like you're not able to live your life as you truly are. And so much anxiety for me was wrapped in trying to please everybody but myself, trying to like make sure that life looked picture perfect. And you know, I had dinner on the table for my family and I was CR it at work and throwing the toddler birthday party with the perfect coordination and my hair was blown out just like all of these things. And I had to really get down to the essence of what are my values? What do I really care about? How do I want to show up as a mom and a partner and a boss and a teacher. And everything else has to. We have to let go of it. Because if I try and live my life to please you or my mother in law or my husband, that's where my anxiety starts to bubble up, is because I can't possibly get it right every time in everyone else's opinion. And when I try, that's when everything sort of gets out of control. And I think that's why anxiety was creeping up again when everything exploded with the book is suddenly there's more people looking at you and being demanding of you and telling you that you're not doing it in the right way. And so I just keep having to go back to, okay, what are the things that keep me healthy? What matters to us as a family, to me and my husband, to me and my children, and everything else has to fall away.

It's so great. It's just so freeing to hear that, because no matter where you're at or what level you're getting to it, so we go back to the basics. Like, it really boils down to stripping all of it away, to getting to the core of who are you? How do you deal with this? How. How would you have dealt with this? What makes you happy? What makes you feel good? What's most important? Because it's really seeing that even though it's so great and it's your dream comes. Comes true.

That.

What. How do we say that in the Midwest? I don't know. Your dreams are coming true. Totally. That it's really just so essential to have those roots. So this is gonna. This is bringing me back to just like, kind of going back to where you came from and how you grew up and maybe having, you know, anxiety as a root. And also, first, I want to ask you the timing of your life. If what is happening right now would have happened even three years ago, do you think that you would have been ready for it? No.

Oh, gosh, no. No way. Which is so funny, because I think, you know, if you're a dreamer like me, and I assume you're a dreamer, too, we have all these visions and plans and goals, and I'm going to do this by, you know, 2020 and you all. And the older I get, and I used to hear people say this. Like, Oprah would say this or Brene Brown. Like, people would be so wise, and I'd be like, you don't know.

I'm ready now.

Yeah, I'm ready right now. But I really do think, like, it all happens just when it's supposed to. Because I don't think there's any way that. I don't think I would have handled it well. I don't think that I would have been the person that I want to be. I think if this kind of success. Girl, wash your face is my sixth book. Nobody cared about the five books before this. This is my sixth book. Just so we're clear, are you, like.

If you like this book, go read.

The other five now. But the thing is, I think it would have given me maybe a false sense of self or a false sense of my abilities. I don't think I would be as humble about it. I think, you know, when I was younger, I remember, like, when I was a little girl, I wanted to be an actress. That was, like, my goal. And I was like, I'm gonna be famous now. Part of that comes from I'm a three on the Enneagram. I'm an achiever. And a lot of my childhood stuff is like, I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna prove you that you were wrong. And all the kids were mean to me in high school. Like, that crap. And I think if any of this had happened a few years ago, I just don't think it would have. I don't think I would be the kind of person that I would want to be. I think I would have thought I was, oh, so special or. I don't know. I am really grateful for it happening in the season, and I'm frankly, really grateful. This is going to sound very weird, but I'm grateful that it felt overwhelming to me instead of that I felt like I deserved it. I'm grateful that it kind of freaked me out. I'm happy that I am still processing this. I'm happy that I had to ask for help. I'm happy that I had to, like, get it right. Because I think that if this kind of success happens to you, and you're like, oh, yeah, I knew it. I'm like, what a douchebag. You know, I don't. I don't. I think that was the kind of work that you and I do and the kind of way that we want to show up for our community and the way that we want to teach people and help people, that has to come from a servant's heart, and that has to come from a place of humility. And, like, you have to be humble about that, because the second that you start to think that you're so great, I think that's when we see people in the personal development space that you're like, man, I used to really admire you. And now. Now it feels icky, and now it feels weird. And now you feel very full of yourself. You can tell when someone, like, their heart's in it. And, man, my heart's in it. Every day I'm praying. Every day I'm like, am I getting this right? Am I teaching the right things? Did that resonate or. Oh, I said that maybe that came off a little too strong. I think that if I had this kind of success and I wasn't in this space, that I couldn't be the teacher I want to be, because I would assume that. That everything I thought was right. Does that make sense?

Oh, my gosh. Completely. And I. You know, I've been thinking about you because I knew this interview was coming up and I'm just kind of learning more and more about you. And I just, I was like, wow, if I was in her shoes, this would actually feel like such. You feel responsible before, right? But it's a massive, it feels like a massive responsibility. So your heart does have to be in that servant place or I could see very easily wanting to go, you know, live on a private island and never come back.

Yes, totally. I mean, that was one of the things, honestly, when we first became, I'm just gonna chat with you like a girlfriend, everyone can listen. Because I know we know a lot of the same people. But when we first started, when I first started talking to Brendan, honestly, that was my, that was like, my instinct was, you know, I'm going out everywhere, I go out everywhere. The grocery store, school drop off, people are asking for selfies or they want to tell me their hearts. It's like, this is such beautiful work and I'm so grateful for it. But my 6 year old literally having a fit at the HEB, which is the local grocery store because he can't get graham crackers. And someone's coming up and asking me for a selfie, that doesn't feel good. And so my gut instinct is like, and we live on an eight acre ranch in Texas hill country. We are not in. And I'm like, we gotta be more remote, Dave. And he's like, rachel, if we get any more remote, we're going to live on an island. You're being crazy. And Brendan was so great in that season because he's like, rachel, this is why celebrities, like actual celebrities, like actors and singers and whatever, this is why someone super normal and then five years later they've like gone crazy. This is why people are like, man, what happened to that person? It's because they got overwhelmed by the process. So they remove themselves from interacting with people and now they've lost that connection that they needed to do their work. They've lost their humanity because they don't want to interact with humans.

Oh my God.

Right? So he's like, that's every level, right? So he's like, this is the journey that you have to be willing to take in order to teach people. You have to be willing to interact with people. You can't just sort of spout wisdom from afar. You've got to be in it with them. So obviously you have to have boundaries and all of that. But that is what I'm learning in the season is how do I do this? How do I do this? Well, in a way that feels like I still get to show up how I would love to show up for the community, but also that doesn't feel like, hey, when I'm with my kids, probably not the best time to ask for a selfie because my son's 11 and he doesn't want to wait while we took a picture. Like so. Yeah, so that's what, that's what we're learning to do with.

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Oh my God. Okay, so that was really powerful for me because you. So you're talking about macro level. But like that boils down. I mean you're so thanks for experiencing that. On the macro level, yes. But micro it's. You said the same thing. We do the exact same thing. So when we are overwhelmed, it doesn't matter with what it is. We isolate and we kind of just disappear. And we're like, I can't, I don't think I can do this. And those are, you know, you talk a lot about this too. I actually, this is one of my, this is one of my favorite sayings, is that things are happening for you.

Yeah.

And it's at what point in your life? Because you're faced with that decision every day. Right. If you want to run or if you're going to confront it, run or confront it. And that's kind of, I think that's, I think that's what it all boils down to every day. It's somebody looking at a situation and saying, do I want to run or am I going to confront this? And that's so much. It's the work that you do. What do you tell somebody? No matter what you're looking at in the middle of that or what's the voice in your head, the conversation with you and you of when you don't want to confront it.

One of my favorite things that I've ever learned. I've learned so many things. Have you ever been to a Tony Robbins conference?

Oh, yeah, like three times. Well, speak, Tony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So one of my favorite things that I think was at UPW was he would always, he kept saying, what's the story you're telling yourself right now? Like, and yes, limiting beliefs. And that's a whole thing. But just that question, what story are you telling? What meaning are you giving to this scenario that you've decided this means this. Like for instance, if I'm already overwhelmed and I go out and I took my son to breakfast, and women come over to our table and ask us for pictures. And it feels very overwhelming because I was trying to have just a sweet breakfast with my son by ourselves. The story that I was beginning to tell myself in my head was. And this sounds very dramatic, but I would be like, I'm not safe. I can't go anywhere. I can't leave the house. The one for me that I was really feeling in that season most was everybody wants something from me. Everybody wants it. I feel like I'm depleted and I have nothing left to get. And it's this whole crazy. You go to this crazy place because of past experiences or whatever or the meaning that you're attaching to this one moment. And so I ask myself that question all the time. What story are you telling yourself? I do this in my husband, and I do this all the time. We've both been to UPW together. But I'll be like, well, what story are you telling yourself right now? Because all I said was that I didn't have time to go grab coffee with you, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. Like, what story you're telling yourself. So that is a big one for me of, you know, we attach so much to like one five minute thing. Like, in five minutes you've decided that life is hard, this day is ruined. You can't so constantly trying to step back. And I think they're one of the great gifts in doing this work. And if you're the kind of person and I believe that you are, if you're the kind of person who takes it seriously, that you are teaching people something and that you would never want to teach them something you're not practicing in real life. That works as this great gift for me. It's a great motivator for me because I'm like, man, I told them, you got to work out every day, so, sis, better put those tennis shoes on. I told them to drink the water. I told them to do so. For me, it's like, what are the habits that are going to keep you healthy? Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, all of that. And then constantly asking myself, is this really what's happening? Or is this just a story that you're telling yourself?

Mm, so good. And all I can think about is all those. All those stories that you're carrying, they all. They all have weight. So each one I just picture, like, you pick up the rope to this wagon that has, like, bricks in it, and you're picking up another One. And so it's so good. You had me like just picturing when you release each one, it's just the moment, like you're just there in the moment with maybe one or two people who are asking you for a picture or it needs something in your life. You know, I'm just relating it to all, all of the things we tell stories about. And it, it gets so heavy by the end of our stories that are in our brain, we're like, we can't. I can't even move. Like I feel debilitated, like I cannot take another step. And also I have to laugh because Chris and I do a lot of our self development work together and like conscious couple fighting. Do you ever, like, sometimes you're like, don't even tell me this is a story right now.

Don't you tell me this validity, Val. This is a real thing.

Yeah.

So it stays the same. You just use like different words.

If people heard. Absolutely.

If they heard on the outside, they'd be like, what is that? Yeah, yeah. Learning how to fight. So, okay, so take me back just to you growing up and what were some of the stories that you told yourself growing up.

So the biggest, hardest thing that I had to overcome, which of course I didn't understand it at the time, was I was the fourth child of a minister, Pentecostal minister, to be specific. And so from the outside, everything looks perfect, which is a lot of ministers, families, and you have to be perfect and you have to keep up a certain level. And from the inside, that was not the case. My dad had and still has really a really horrible temper, like, you know, punching holes in the wall, throwing the TV out the window, a. Of verbal abuse, not physical abuse, but verbal and emotionally abusive. And loved my dad, still love my dad. And sort of that dichotomy of someone growing up in a space where someone. You really live in fear and you are experiencing trauma, but it's also from someone that you love so much. And how do you navigate that? And so in our family, I was a baby of four. My parents marriage was horrendous my whole life. And so honestly by the time it got to me, they just, they didn't have time, they didn't have energy. I really, really raised myself and they would tell you the same thing. I really raised myself. And how my childhood went was. I was largely ignored unless I did something good. So if I got a part in the play, if I scored a goal in the soccer game, if I got an A on the test, I got attention because There was value to them in being an achiever. But the second that that moment was over, I stopped getting noticed. And to a little kid, notice and attention equals love. So I learned at an early age, well, I've got to just keep performing. I've got to keep going as hard as I can in order to have their love. And how that manifests for me then, as an adult is I was a workaholic. It's never enough. The second I've achieved something, it's on to the next thing. I don't celebrate anything. And that. This sounds kind of crazy, but that served me really well. And I think that's kind of a hard thing for achievers, is that it's hard to let go of that negative behavior, even though you're sort of abusing yourself because it gets you results. So where it really came to a head for me and where the anxiety really started to get out of control was I was building this company. I owned an event planning company. I started blogging as a way to promote the event company. And I started to make traction with the blog and started to make enough in that space that I could stop doing events and focus on this full time. And I was making good money at a staff of five. And this was like, before Influencer was a thing. We're talking, like 2008, 2009. So a long time ago. So we're making good money. But if you asked me if I went to a party with Dave or if someone asked in the family, I'd be like, oh, I just. I'm just a little blogger. It's nothing. And I didn't recognize this until years later that in our family, you know that thing at UPW where Tony's like, which parent did he crave love from most?

Yes.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So if you're listening, you've never seen it, and you should go watch I'm not yout Guru on Netflix or go to one of his conferences. But he says this thing, like, which parent did he crave love from most? And for me, it was my dad. And he says, who did you have to be to get their love? And I know this already, right? I've done all the therapy I'm. I had to achieve. And then he says, it's the simplest question. He's like, and who else did you have to be? And I'm sitting at upw, and it just pops out of my mouth. And I've like, never. I've never said these words even to myself before. It's like, who do you have to be an achiever? Who else did you have to be? And I said small because and for my dad, children should be seen and not heard. When he wanted to pay attention to you, he wanted you to be smart and pretty and the second that he was done with, you needed to shut up. Now fast forward and I find myself 30 years old, have these kids, living a life from the outside, just like how I grew up living outside life from the outside, that's perfect. Trying to make my mother in law happy, trying to make my husband happy. And my heart was I want to be a writer. My heart was I loved owning a business, I loved being an entrepreneur. Like so exciting a puzzle to figure out. But I was being big, achieving all these things, but making it very small so it didn't make anybody else uncomfortable. And that was a huge learning for me. And I think we all do this, right? We can identify. Oh, that's that thing of my childhood that's still bubbling up 20 years later. But that was a huge thing for me, was like, man, I don't want to do this. And not only that, I don't want to teach this to my kids. I don't want to teach them that they should chase big dreams and be ashamed of their desire to chase big dreams. I don't want to teach my daughter that she should be all the things for all the people and nothing for herself. I don't want to show the next generation and I don't want to go through the rest of my life with all of these dreams and goals and desires on my heart that I'm afraid to speak out loud because I'm afraid I'll be judged for them. I would rather just, man, my dreams freak me out. So they're for sure going to freak you guys out, but I'd rather just like own them and say them because at least then I'm living truthfully into myself instead of trying to please you. Because here's the deal, you are never ever going to be able to make everybody happy. You're never going to make your mother in law fully happy. You'll never make your partner fully. It's not a thing. But trying will slowly eat you alive. So I would rather try and live life as myself even if it means that I'm failing constantly and even if that means that people are judging me for it. Then live a life to please you and like be drowning in anxiety.

Oh, I'm just like, let's put it on repeat, let's put some music in the background. Of that. And let's play it again. We're just gonna turn it all into a soundtrack.

Great, Great.

And it's. And that's. I mean, I think we could stop here. Like, we could at the end of the day, because that's. That's it. It's the gap between who you know you are and the story that is stopping you. Whether it was from. That was a huge moment for me too, at Tony Robbins. Actually, I wrote about it in my book because it was such a.

Like, yeah.

I was like. Mine was for my mom and it was perfect. Humble and quiet.

Isn't it funny? That's really similar for both of us and the jobs that we do. Is that funny?

Oh, my God. I came from a. We share. We went. I'm telling you, we share so much in common. I was like, this is scaring me.

But I love it.

This is awesome. Which is also at Rose reminds me, you know, especially as you talk to more women, because you talk to so many women. We all share so much of the same story.

Totally.

And oh my God, is it freeing when you meet other women who have that story, but they're going and doing, you know, what they know they're supposed to do anyway?

Yeah.

You are such a glorious voice right now because you are a voice within our voices that feel feels like ours, but is able to like, you're just like, I'm through the other side of caring. You know, I know that you still care about humans, but you've had to let go of caring what people think in order to truly step out.

Absolutely. Yeah.

That is. That's the place. And it's not that I'm sure you ever stopped caring, but what do you do when you get those moments of, oh my God, did I say too much? Or am I saying the wrong thing? Cause it's so easy to edit ourselves, but in the editing is where we lose it.

Yeah.

Because we know what can happen if we don't sometimes.

Yeah. So for me, the quote that everyone loved from girl, wash your face and everyone gives me credit for, which I find hilarious because I say in the book, my therapist told me this. This is not my quote, but she said someone else's opinion of you is none of your business. Do they like you? Do they dislike you? It doesn't matter. It's none of your business. And it was like, well, but my mother in law, she's like, none of your business. But my husband, she's like, none of your business.

Isn't that a salt and pepper song? Yeah. None of your business.

That's like, most of the time, nobody's thinking about you. You are making up stories in your head that your in laws are over there hating on you. They're not. It's in your head most of the time. So it's better to just proceed as if, like. Like, I need to be so full of love that I don't need to try and earn your love by the way I live my life. Like, I need to have so much love for you that I don't need your love. So the thing that I have taught myself over the last few years, because I think it's very easy to say, like, oh, someone else, they don't matter. Opinions don't matter. But like, that is so much easier said than done. That is literally a lifetime probably of you being taught, especially if you're a woman, to be a certain way. Little girls are raised to care about other people's opinions. I wish that that wasn't the case. And I hope that things are changing and shifting and maybe some of you listening, that's not your story. But 98% of the women I know were taught that they needed to please their parents, their siblings, their partner, their family, all of it, right? So for me, I've attacked other people's opinions of me in one area of my life at a time. So I think if you make a sweeping, like, oh, I'm not going to care anymore. Well, I hope that works for you. It didn't work for me, but what started for me, the first thing that I decided I'm going to let go of this is I stopped caring what other people thought of me for having goals for my life. Because that was the huge thing, was I didn't want to just have a little side hustle. I didn't want to have. I wanted to build a media company. And I don't know a lot of moms of four with a high school diploma that are going around. Like, I started out as a food blogger and I wanted to build a media company. I wanted to have live events, I wanted to write books. I want to do all these things. And when you say that to people, they're like, what? So the first thing that I let go of other people's opinions was I was able to talk myself through. Like, man, these are. These are goals you have for yourself. They're not hurting anybody. Not hurting your kids, they're not hurting your marriage. Like, then. Then someone else doesn't get a say here. These are my dreams, these are my goals. And you don't get an opinion. And I started with that place. And there are still areas of my life. I'll be honest. There are still areas of my life where I have to catch myself constantly not getting my feelings hurt, because you know how it is. Like, people on the Internet are mean.

Yeah.

And the second that you start to get attention or clout or anything, it's like people want to attack that. And when you already feel tired and when you already feel like you're, like, giving everything and then someone's beating you up over everything from how your hair looks to, like, the outfit you're wearing to, like, the thing that people are attacking me a ton for right now is what kind of Christian I am. Like, I get so much. So much flack because I am a Christian, but I'm not conservative. And people who are conservative are like. I mean, I had a picture a few weeks ago on Instagram where I was drinking wine on my patio, which is nothing new. Like, if you hung out with me for a while, you know, mama, I have four kids. I might have some wine. I'm gonna have some vodka occasionally. That is how we get through our lives.

I'm gonna put vodka in the wine. Just say, probably.

Probably. Like, I can't believe what kind of woman of God drink. I'm like, what? So things like that, because they're new for me, that. That really hurt. It still hurts my feelings because I'm like, oh, man, I'm just trying to do my best. But. But don't you worry, like, every day, every week, every year, I'm going to become stronger in who I am at my core. And as you grow stronger in who you are at your core, you will care less and less about what other people think of that. So I still don't have it in every area, but for me, the thing that's been effective is to go first. It's going to start with goals, and then I started with being attacked as a mom, because that's the thing people love to chew you apart about on social media. So I just went like, okay, what's hurting my heart most this season? That's where we're going to focus, and we're going to do the work, and we're going to spend the time to get past it. And right now, the thing is, I'm being attacked most on my faith. That's what's hurting my heart most in this season, and that's the work that I need to do of I have got to be able to show up as Myself or I can't do this work. And I would rather, I would rather. And this is for anybody, anybody who's any kind of influencer in any sense space, you've got to show up as yourself. Because I could sell twice as many books if I didn't say anything that upset people. If I wore the right clothes, if I only posted the pretty pictures with all the me, like I could sell more, I could make more money, I could have more fans. But to what end? Like, because chances are at some point you're gonna see, I'm going to show up as myself. You're going to come to a live event and I'm going to accidentally cuss. I'm going to walk out to Kendrick. Like, I'm going to do something that steps outside of this fake idea that you had of me. And then you're disappointed because you're like, man, it's like you said at the beginning, I feel like I know you. My goal is that if anybody who follows me or reads my books or listens to podcasts, if you meet me in real life, you're like, oh, you are, are the exact same person. There is no, like, it's the same. It's the same. Because to show up as someone else just to, just to make other people happy, just to sell more of your thing or get more followers or make sure that your mother in law likes you, that is a slow death. That is like, that is you losing everything that made you special in the first place.

Man, that was so good. You know those moments that you just feel like are for you. Like, that was so for me. And I know everybody else listening too, and I'll expand. But Andy Frisella had a quote on one of his podcasts the other day. He said, sooner or later you're going to get caught being yourself.

Yeah. And I was like, yes. Oh my God, that's so good.

I know. I was like, God, I literally was like, yep. Because my, so my job right now and I think it's everybody's job who's in any, any career path. Like this is like really looking at where I'm not being authentic and how can I show up like that in my day to day life?

Yeah, that's good.

It's like. And I think that you're really going to be able to relate. But I came from a really restrictive religion. Religious background. So I was raised Jehovah's Witness, where it was like, no swearing, don't celebrate holidays, don't look this way, don't do that, like, you're here for preaching. Like, this is so for. I still find myself, like, sometimes I'll be like, okay, well, I swore in my head when I was thinking this or when I was, like, getting this point across, why am I, like, not showing that to anybody? So even I know that sounds like a weird thing, but it's kind of like with the wine. You're like, okay, I know wine is a representation, but. So swearing is a representation for me right now.

Yes, well, and the crazy thing is, is that, like, you know, when you're going to do something or say something that's going to be a little bit more controversial, you know, because, you know your audience. What trips me out is that is when people get angry about things I didn't realize would upset me, them. If I was at a bachelorette party, I'm making up something and I'm doing shots. I don't know. And it's two o' clock in the morning and I'm doing shots and I'm being crazy on Instagram stories, which PS does not happen. What if that I know people might get upset about, right? Me sitting on the back patio with my husband while the kids play in the yard, having a glass of wine. That didn't even occur to me. But somehow. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with me having a glass of wine on my back patio. But suddenly I start processing it as I've done something wrong. I am wrong. I've let them down. Like, I've somehow let down these strangers that I didn't even know. So it is. So I fully understand what you're saying. This idea that it's like, you need. It's different. It's different for women in this space because there's about four of us, number one. And we can't be like the guys. Like, you can't be like Gary Vee. You can't. Like, we wouldn't have. It's not a thing. It's not a thing. We couldn't do it in the same way. I even trip out. I know this is not really podcast. This is just like us chatting. I trip out of how, like, as women, we're not supposed to talk about money. We're not supposed to talk about business. Like, I posted something a couple weeks ago. It was the first time that I had talked about financial success. So I, for five, six years, didn't take a salary. Every penny. I mean, every penny, every book advance, every penny that I made speaking, all of it went back into my business because I Was trying to grow and scale, and I needed that to pay for the team. And it is only. Dude, listen, it is only in the last nine months that I started to make to bring home a salary. Now the incredible thing is six years of no salary. Now in the last nine months. Yay, we're making a lot of money. Thank you, Lord. But I had that moment the other day where I was like, women don't talk about this. I have never, never seen a woman in business talk about what it is to have gotten to a financial place, to have worked really hard to be able to buy the nice car, to be able to have the boots, to be able to put your kids in private school. Whatever it is, we're all hustling, we're all working. We're not showing pictures of our car or our private jet or, like, the things that all these entrepreneurial guys are doing. Women don't. If it's out there, I'm not seeing it because it's like, good girls aren't supposed to talk about money. But again, that feels like making ourselves small. Because I know you're building a business, sis. Like, so am I. Like, we're doing. We're working hard. We have servants hearts. But, like, this is a business. We need to be able to pay our rent and support our families and support our staff. But I don't see women talking about that. So I find that really, really interesting too. Of. It's like, you have to show up a certain way. You're allowed, but only this far. You're allowed, but only if you're like this. You're. You know, it's just an interesting space that we're in. How few of us there are. How honestly, like, I make what I make speaking now because a man in the speaking space, when all of this started happening was like, how much are you charging people? And I told him the rate, and he was like, no, never again. Don't you dare. Because who's gonna tell me that? And it's super competitive, and so nobody talks about it. And I had no idea. And from one event to the next, it's like, literally quadruple. Like, that's how much the difference is. And nobody batted an eyelash because they're like, oh, yeah, that's what the dudes are charging. So why wouldn't you? So anyway, I just think that's a really. I don't have a great answer for it. Sometimes when you and I get wine. Let's talk about this. But I do think, what does that look like? For listeners in their own space, with their own careers, to be working so hard to achieve something but not be able to own it.

Like, this is a whole. This is a. This is a part two. Because this is a huge passion, like, subject for me, actually. Huge passion subject. Because first of all, my husband literally, like, went so polarizing with his podcast name. It's called for the Love of Money because he helped give me permission about, like, went so opposite. Especially with the religious background I have. I'm like, and you name at that. So it's.

It.

But it's interesting because I. We have to get right with money. We have to almost. We have to love it because of how supportive it is.

Yes.

And it's like we look at women and it's like, oh, she's supposed to have this stuff, but she's not supposed to want the stuff.

Yeah.

It's like, like all of a sudden it just shows up in her closet or something happens. No, she had to think about it, get super intentional. Know what that means to her.

Let it be.

Okay. That it means something to her. And. And I think that's important too, is like, it goes social media thing that you were saying about just judging other women and women and putting a black and white, like, this is right and this is wrong. And I talk about this a lot at events, and I want to know how you feel, because I know that we all want to stand for something, and sometimes it's like, you know, we. We also can get our significance off standing for something, but it's about standing for something, not against someone.

Ooh, good.

I just feel like that's taking so much energy out of women. Right. Rising. So. Because what happens is we're rising, but we're kind of tearing each other down, and it's. It's wasting so much time and energy where if we're like, hey, she wants to do it in full on Gucci, on a yacht and talk about it. Great. Okay. If she wants to do it in her sneakers and be on a stage and drink wine and swear, great, great. There's a flavor for everybody. But we're all rising together.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I think that it comes from a place of which, P.S. it's never the guys that would give us a hard time for this. It would never. Like, any of the men that we know in this space are like, make all the money, do all the things. Why are you flying on Southwest? Why? All the guys I know are like, what are you doing? It's the women that. It's like, when you don't know something or you don't understand something, or something is outside of your normal. There is this need in media or on social to like correct. Like this even happens in our own, like, for listeners who. Their cousin, you know, cousin April's gonna say something about you training for a marathon or the way you raise your kids, or it's like if she does it different than I do, that that somehow makes me wrong. And it's like, man, we're all. Most of the people I know are just doing their best. They are just trying their best. Every momma, you know, most of the mamas, you know, they're just trying their best. And you picking them apart, are you breastfeeding? Are you bottle feeding? Are you doing this? What's your bedtime? Like, we're all trying. And there is this, there's this like, I feel like it's like a human desire to. If I pick her apart that somehow makes me safer. I can like make sure that my life stays inside these rules and these lanes, then I'm okay.

Because.

But if you're doing okay outside what I know, that might challenge me. That might. You know what I mean? It's like if I'm a working mom and you're a stay at home mom, that doesn't take away from the incredible gift that you're giving your family and your children and future generations. Because you've made that choice. We can both do our things. We can both do them well. I don't have to be wrong in order for you to be right.

I so, I so get that because I'm just gonna out myself like once in a while. Especially when you're in that place of like poor me or whatever. Whatever. You know, the place that usually happens before my morning coffee.

Yeah.

If you pick up Instagram, I'm like, well, look at that. Whatever. And I'm like being critical because it feels like self protection. I don't know if it's because I saw it, you know, or if it's because someone's, you know, we can make a story for everything. So I look at it and I'm like, okay, okay, celebrate. Find something to celebrate in this woman right now.

Yes.

Yeah, it's freedom for me because criticism is actually personal prison. Yeah.

Well, so the two things for me when I'm consuming media is if I find myself over and over, there's actually a big influencer today that I love her. And also she's a little too negative for me. I think she's so important. I think she's so wise. A lot of times when something's going on politically, I'm like, I didn't even know that was happening. I had to understand the story more. So I kept following her because I really wanted that wisdom, because I think she's very wise about a lot of things. But I just. I'm like, every day can't be this hard. Every day in her feed, it's like the world is ending. It's all. And there are so many hard. There are. There's so many hard things, and it's. But for me, personally, I don't want to consume that. I know it's there, and I know that it's happening, but I can't. Every day, Chicken Little, the sky is falling. And so today I was like, today's the day I got to stop following this person. Even though she's a massive influencer and she's very important. I was like, we're done. Because you have to decide, is it safe? Is it the kind of person I want to be to consume this kind of media? And if the answer is no, just unfollow. It'll be okay. You can just unfollow that person. If the answer is yes, yes, this is safe for me to consume, yes, this is a good person. But the negativity that I have is in my own heart and my own head, then my rule is, and this is not, I didn't make this up. I heard someone else say this. She said, every single time I see another woman and I have a negative thing to say that's rooted in jealousy or insecurity. She said, I immediately stop and I make myself pray for more blessings for that woman. You're like, whatever, right? Like, whatever it is that you are, you're like. Like, you know that gut. You're like, 400,000 more Instagram followers. Some stupid thing, but you get caught in this, like, that. That really matters, and I make myself stop, and I'm like, lord, I just. I pray that you will double her following.

Bless her with 400,000.

Yes. Give her. Give her a bigger platform. Let her voice be heard more widely. And it's so hard because you're, like, bitter praying it, like, give her. But it also. That is my. That's who I want to be in my heart. And sometimes I gotta make my head practice who I want to be in my heart to try and make that.

Rachel, I am so incredibly grateful for your time, like, overwhelm. I feel overwhelmingly blessed today, and it's because of how you showed up. In just massive authenticity and just you right now in all of it. So thank you so much for the work that you're doing because I think that we're all just taking notes and it's giving us so much permission.

Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. I sincerely appreciate the opportunity to talk to your tribe and that you. You would trust me with your platform and just the chance to, like, chat with you and be friends. So thank you so much.

Oh, my God. This was a true blessing for me. And I always end on one last question. But first, I just want people who don't have your book or the people who need two of your books or three of your books. Where can we find you? Follow you get your book.

Yes. So the book, the book that everyone is giving attention to right now is called girl, wash your face, and it's available everywhere. Books are sold for this crowd. It might be most interesting to check it out on audio because I narrate the book. So if you want someone to, like, preach at you and coach you for a few hours, that is what you'll get. And my favorite social platform is Instagram, and that's Ms.Rachel Hollis.

So good. And I always end on one last question, and that is if you're in an elevator with someone. Yep, totally cliche, but you're gonna love it. You're in an elevator with someone and it's only like a 30 second ride and it's a total stranger and they look over at you and they ask you, how can make myself happy? What do you say?

How can I make myself happy in 30 seconds? I know we already said this, but the best answer that I know is to live life for yourself and to not let other people's opinions dictate who you'll become. The closer that you get to who you are in your heart is the closer that you get to having happiness.

Amen, sister. So good. So grateful for you. And you guys. If you loved this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it with your friends. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review. If you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought and honest comment, tell us what you think. Tell us what you want to hear more of it. Would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye Bye.