290: How to Sustain Self-Motivation when you Suffer from Setbacks

As you're running for your dream, you end up finding other things that you're passionate about. And you either add them or you say, oh, my God, I would have never known I was passionate, or I never knew I liked this part or didn't like this part or met this person or had this opportunity. Because along the way to your dream, I believe, is when the real dream is found.

Ooh. The journey.

The journey. Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business, and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we annoy, anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back, everybody, to another Q and A day. And it's one of my favorite days because it means that I'm not talking to myself because I have Evans with me. Hi, Evans.

Hi, Lori.

How was your day? It's wonderful.

How's your day?

It is going awesome because we travel tomorrow, travel day, travel day, and if you guys didn't know, we actually do sing everything. So if you don't like that part of the podcast, you might not want to listen to Q and A day. It's kind of like a musical. Speaking of musicals, first of all, before we get started, if you have not seen Bohemian Rhapsody, what do you rate it? Oh, oh.

A plus five stars. 10 out of 10.

What was your favorite part? Like, why?

I mean, I just didn't know anything about Queen and we are queens. We are queens.

So I was like, why have we not seen this or know more about Freddie Mercury?

Freddie Mercury? He just went out there and did the thing.

Did he free you?

He freed me.

Like, I literally didn't even know that part of myself was bound up in chains until I saw him in that silver onesie singing. And I was like, part of me is bo. I need to wear that on the daily. Cut the chains.

Go see the movie and learn about it.

Go see the movie. This is not an ad.

Not sponsored.

Hashtag, not sponsored.

By Queen.

By Queen. But for real, we downloaded all of the songs. So, so good. And you guys, if you didn't know, we Will Rock youk Came from, which is so weird because I just did my spoken word poem on it. And I didn't even know there was a movie coming out. So that was extra special for me.

That was super cool.

But that came out of them wanting interaction with the audience because they loved their audience so much that they were like, how do we make a song for the people that makes them feel super involved? And that's what came out of it.

That's amazing.

And now look at it. It's in stadiums everywhere.

Everywhere you go, we will rock you.

Then they do. I've been rocked. So go to that movie if you don't like it. Don't let us know if you do. Don't call us if you do.

Let us know if your opinion is different than ours.

Please don't. Please don't let us know.

Okay.

So you know what else I wanted to ask you, which we did not cover on the. About last week on our Q A, was your favorite thing that happened on the cruise ship? On the Oprah cruise? Oh, my. Maybe your favorite person or your takeaway. Because we got so. You guys. We were cruising with. I think half the boat was probably over 50 or 60.

I would agree.

Years old. Years of age. And so I have to be quite honest that I think we got so much wisdom. Like, we got wiser. We got so wise.

We're little owls now. Yeah.

So. So what we wanted to share is that we literally had lunch and dinner quite a few times with really random old people who weren't so random. They were placed in our life for a reason. And Evans and I would go back to the room and be completely floored with, like. With tears in our eyes over some of the things that were shared with us that you don't realize are so incredibly powerful and special. Because it's not like we're just hanging out in Santa Monica like, hey, let's go to an old person's home and sit down and get wiser. Right. But really, that's what we got to do for an entire week. And it makes you really say. It makes you look at the older demographic and really appreciate them even more. And it made me want to work with that community so much more.

Yes. Remember Dave David.

Tell me. And I. Yes, I remember him obsessed.

He sat down with us at lunch, just randomly asked if he could sit down. And he had the most beautiful stories about his wife and his journey through things. And he had been through some hard times.

Oh, my God. Would you share the thing that his wife said to him. So it was the third time she had gotten cancer. So they. At this point, they knew that she probably was not going to make it through this one. So they started discussing, you know, end of life and how she wanted to go and what that would look like in a really peaceful, you know, loving way. And so they had both had a long time with what was going on in their life, right? So then.

And he was a big motorcycle rider, is. And so he's going on this amazing motorcycle journey. And she said that he's not. Wait, what did he say?

31 places.

31 places. And he's actually spreading her ashes, right?

Yeah, spreading. So she gave him 31 places to spread her ashes. Because she said, you're gonna need to stay busy without me here. She's like, I gotta keep you busy, so I'm giving you 31 places on your bike to go and spread my ashes. And she also added. Did she add.

And she added, and you better not let any heifers on the back of your bike until it's done. Right.

Something like that. You said she had such a sense of humor. And you better not let any heifers on the back of the bike until it's done. But after that, she literally said to him, because I know you need a partner and you'll be married within a year. Because he really was that charming. I think David was just like, oh, he was such a charmer.

He was amazing.

He was the bachelor of the cruise ship for sure. Like, yeah. Every. Every time I saw David, he was with another person, and I was like, he is just. Oh. And he was on this vacation alone, right. Because it was a plan for him to stay busy and connect with people and get back into life. So we were lucky enough to share the most incredible lunch with him where he bought us lunch. We sat down, which was so sweet, so nice. Where was that? Grand Turks.

Yeah. At this really nice restaurant called Margaritaville.

Margaritaville. Margaritaville, that's right. We're like, what does one do in Grand Turks? And it started pouring rain, and we're like, I guess we go to Margaritaville 10ft away from the ship. So we really got to see that culture. We didn't really feel like we got total cultural immersion, but we did get immersed in David's beautiful stories, which I think was. Honestly, that may have been, like, one of the biggest gifts of the trip for me was just such perspective, and it made me want to embrace my loved ones even more. It was really beautiful.

And his wife was incredible. You could just Tell.

I could feel her. I could literally feel her with us. Like, he kept. He is keeping her memory alive just by talking about her. And he's so obsessed with her. So, David.

David. To David.

So we've got something for you today, which is, I'm gonna try to keep on the reg because I love quotes. Are you quote junkie?

I like hearing the quotes I'm about to hear.

That's great. That is so random. I don't know what that means. I don't either. Okay, so what we're gonna do is I challenged Evans because I'm a quote freakazoid. It's a thing. And I, like, literally, it's how I get my wheels turning. I would do this all the time before I would write or if I'm just feeling really blah. Like reading the words of someone else who was inspired when they wrote them. You actually get a little bit of that. Like, you get a piece of it. So I said real quick. I literally only gave her, like, one minute before this. I said, find a quote about how you're feeling today or one that can help you with how you're feeling today or where you're at, and then let me know the. Or say the quote and then why it. You know, why you're feeling it today. So let's do it. Go ahead. I have mine, too. Okay. I have three.

You have three. I googled quotes about being tired, and don't do that, because a lot of really depressing quotes come up. But this one was not depressing. It says, if you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit. I don't know who it's by.

I've heard that before. A long time ago, and I loved it. Wow, that's nice. Because here's the thing. I say once in a while, I'll say that to Chris. I said that yesterday because I told you this week, I'm like, I'm so tired. And I think it's because we were on Eastern time for so long and also on a cruise ship eating sugar every day. Yeah. I was like, is Prosecco a meal? Because I've turned it into one. Okay, awesome. But I said to him, I said, we need to tell them about Trivia Hour, too. But I said to Chris, I was like, I'm so tired, and I feel bad. Like, I want to be getting so much stuff done. He's like, like, it's okay to feel tired. Like, life is always gonna be that way. You have to take advantage of the times that you don't. And when you Are tired. I love that quote. So perfect for me today, too. Rest.

Just rest.

Rest instead of sit and feel bad, like, actually enjoy the tired or rest if you need to, or just give yourself grace. Okay, so do you have one more?

Oh, then I Googled dancing, and it says forget yout Troubles and Dance by Bob Marley.

Mmm. He's so good. Do you love Bob Marley?

Yes.

It was almost my wedding song. Which one? I don't know. Okay, so I am feeling a bit unmotivated today.

Okay.

I'm feeling a little tired. I'm beyond excited to go on this book tour, but I think this week, like, just the week in between, I am tired. And I'm also a mix of tired with knowing that the New Year's coming, and I have a lot of transition that I want to do. I want to, like. I want to start some new things, but I also know that I want to go into this new year with a lot more focus than I typically have.

Right.

Because I'm really scattered. I'm like squirrel. You know this. I can. We can be focused on one thing, and somehow I was still. We'll still find 10 other things to talk about.

Yes.

So this quote is about focus. Stay focused on whatever you want to do, and don't doubt yourself. That's just one of them. Focus is more important than intelligence.

Ooh, that's good.

Isn't that so true?

Yes.

Because you can be the smartest person in the room, but if you're not applying yourself to one thing, it won't really move the needle or. I found in my life that, you know, I believe that I have massive emotional intelligence, and I know that I do, but I wouldn't necessarily say I'm super book smart. So for me, the more that I focus, the more I see things happen. And it's just proof that it doesn't matter what type of intelligence you are. I believe that focus is going to be the key for you no matter what. Like, really making sure that you get on target. And I know with your job, like, with everything that feels crazy or not good. Like, it's always been about how can I get more focused, or how can I get more on a schedule, or how can I make this better so that I can not feel scattered.

Yes. Systems.

Systems. Focus. Yes. Okay, so let's left those quotes. I don't know who either of mine were by because it doesn't say. So those were good. Those were good. Yours was really good, too. Okay, so Q and A.

Let's do this.

Wait.

Review.

Okay. This review comes from Hauber. H A U B E R 18.

Hauber 18.

Hauber 18. Finding yourself is hard. Earn your happy podcast is an incredible reminder that you can do it. Lori's inspiring and so enjoyable to listen to, and her guests are amazing. Want to be the best version of yourself? It starts here.

Hobber 18. My heart just melted. That was lovely. I melted it, and it's gonna melt right into the mug. We're gonna sand you. Okay, I'm not sand you, but sand sand. Okay. Sand and deliver. I don't know.

You should email customer serviceaurieharder.com so we can find out who you are.

Please do so that we can send you a muggy.

Muggy poo.

Mugs, not drugs. Okay, that was the review, and now we're on to Q and A.

Yes. The first question comes from Holly Dorfman. Hi, Holly. Hey, Holly. Hey, Lori. I love, love, love your podcast. Every time I listen, I feel like I' much valuable advice, and it always feels so relevant. I was wondering if we could talk. If you could talk a little bit about backup plans. I'm going through grad school and have a pretty clear passion about what I want to be doing when I graduate, but it's a very competitive field, and people usually have to start at the bottom before they get to where they want to be. So many of my friends have a backup plan, but I almost feel like having one is saying it's okay for me to not live my passion out. I'm super conflicted and would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Oh, I love this. Okay, so I think there's not a right answer to this, so I want to see what lands for her. So as you're listening to this, as far as backup plans, I think your intuition already wrote a sentence in there for you that said it actually doesn't feel right for me because it's kind of saying, you know what? You might not be able to fulfill this. So what I found is that when I had a dream, I literally ran straight for it, no matter what. I never had a backup plan ever. But what happened is, as you're running for your dream, you end up finding other things that you're passionate about, and you either add them or you say, oh, my God, I would have never known I was passionate, or I never knew I liked this part or didn't like this part or met this person or had this opportunity. Because along the way to your dream, I believe, is when the real dream is found.

Ooh, the journey.

The journey Go figure.

Love that.

So there is a lot of junkets in the journey. Junkets are good.

Oh, junket journeys, journey junkets.

So I think you are gonna find your gems in the junkets along the journey. But I don't know. That was terrible. I love that. But for real, I think that if you already feel that letting yourself off the hook and having a backup plan can actually. Oh, my God, I love that. The quote was about focus today, okay? So focus only on the thing that you desire. Otherwise, what will happen is you will get distracted by your backup plan and you will actually lose hope. And your backup plans will start to doubt. You will start to doubt within the backup plan. Backup plan. Now, backup plan is different than being smart also along the way. So if you are, like, broke and you can't feed yourself, I'm not saying don't have a backup plan for that. That's when you can say, okay, what's something that I can do to make money right now? But I have to be honest. I fully believe that if you're a person who is, you know, isn't in need of something else or, you know, doesn't have mental health problems or something like that, where you actually struggle in different areas, if you're someone who's been able to make money once, you will always be able to make money. Don't ever believe that. That it was just a random, you know, act of luck that you got this job or were able to make money. If you've ever been able to make money, if you've ever had a lemonade stand, you will be able to create income again in your life. So for me, it was like, I truly believe that. That if I hadn't hit those rock bottoms or not had a backup plan, that I wouldn't have learned that I'm truly the source of. Like, I'm the creator of my own destiny. So backup plan or not, you will figure it out. You will be okay. So if that feels good for you to not have a backup plan, but understand that you can make money in desperate times, then I think that's important to say I am abundant. I will figure it out. So for me, my mantra is literally everything is figureoutable. But this is my target. So all focus needs to go to this dream. I think that's such an awesome question.

That was a great question. I loved it. Thank you, Holly.

Thank you, Holly.

The next question is from Amy Burns. Amy Bernis. Sorry, what's up?

Amy Bernis.

Amy Bernis. Hi, Lori. You have been such a light in my life, you constantly share the things I need to hear. You make me laugh, smile, and cry. I'm so grateful for you, your podcast, and for you. So my question for your podcast is my story around a lot of women is this. I've been gossiped, gossiped about, put down, not cheered, and even once punched in the face. Wow. How did you change the story around how women treat you and ultimately wanted to see you succeed? Thanks so much.

Ooh. Okay, so this is such a good question. And I'm so sorry that you had that experience. I've literally experienced quite a few things similar to this. I can't say I was punched in the face. I was punched in the gut once at a concert by a woman. That's awesome.

Yes.

Well, now looking back, it's a great. Well, yeah, sorry that happened.

Rude.

Rude. But that's so crazy. She was punched in the face. Okay, so here's the deal. We can't really. You can't really be like, oh, this is women. It's people in general. And a lot of times we. We only see what we are looking for. And this was so me. Let me tell you. When I first moved to California, the lenses in which I was looking through, friendship through. And especially women. Well, actually just women friendship. Cause I wanted to make women friends, was that women are flaky, that they're just into themselves, they're just into their careers. And guess what I was finding when.

That'S all that I thought that's what happened. They're flaky.

That's all that I found. People weren't showing up. I was attracting these people who were flaky. That's all I could hear in the languaging was like people who were super self absorbed. And I was like, okay, I don't know what it was that shifted. I think it's realizing that you are doing the thing that you actually preach against. And I just had this moment of, if I want something, why am I not focusing on what I desire? Why am I not looking through the lenses of what I want these people to show up as? So for me, I looked through every single person I come in contact with. This was. My lens has something of value to offer me. Every single person I come in contact with has something of value to offer me. Like that I've been waiting to hear. So sometimes it felt like a stretch, but I could literally turn everything into something that they offered me. Even if, oh my God, one woman was walking out. Just walking my dog. So this is when I started to Change my lens, right? I'm like, everybody has something to offer me. And I'm walking waffles. And she, like, takes. You know, she goes potty, and she's like. Just took a number two. And this is important to this story. And I didn't have a poop bag on me. And I was like, oh, no. So this woman's walking by, and I didn't realize that she was on the phone, but I changed my lenses at this point already, right? And I was like, oh, I'm just gonna ask her for a poop bag. So I'm like, hi, do you have a poop bag? Because she was walking your dog and she was on the phone. I didn't know it. And she was like, what the f. Yeah, this is California, right? What the f? I'm on the phone and just kept walking. I was like. And then right in that moment, I was like, no, everybody has something to offer you. And I was like, you know what? That could have been a crazy phone call. She could literally be in the middle of a divorce. She could be a really upset person. Massive compassion. And I was like, how quick can I feel compassion for this person instead of. Of wanting to, who knows? Fill in the blank? Probably what I wanted to do. So literally everyone has something to offer you. So first of all, changing your lenses on what you see women as, because it doesn't. It's looking for friends and wanting friends and wanting to change that belief doesn't mean that all of a sudden everyone's gonna be awesome. You will get hurt. Like, I've still. Even with all of the work that I do, I can still be hurt. And the thing is that I'm like, I have to give them so much compassion and know that they're human and know that I've probably done some really shitty things that I have not wanted to do before. So I want as much compassion as I'm willing. You know, I want to give them as much compassion as I want, even in my worst moments. So that's really what I dig into. So that's the first one. The next one is really observing when you tend to withdraw out of those relationships. Like, are you afraid of vulnerability because you might be honestly afraid you might get punched in the face again? But having to push through the uncomfortable times of if I don't. Like, if we don't get vulnerable, we know we don't connect. If I don't get to know you at your happiest and at your worst and what scares you the most, I don't actually fully know you, so I don't fully get to connect with every single part of you. So willing to sit in the fire through the really vulnerable parts and create a relationship where you can have that space where there's vulnerability that comes up and just stay in it and know, like, like, yeah, it's risky to be vulnerable with someone. They could use it against you. You could get really hurt.

Sure.

But you have to keep trying. And here's the deal. Like if you were dating someone and you're like, you know, get hurt by this date and then you get hurt by the next date and then five dates later you're like, wow, I'm really hurt. You're probably going to look at how you're showing up as well and then try to keep dating again and then look how you're showing up and then try to keep dating again. So it's what we have to do with friendships. It's the exact same as dating. Like you just can't tap out and guard your heart and think that, that you know, you're one person or your spouse or no people are going to be okay for you because we are community. Like we are wired for community. So it's so important.

Yes.

Great question. Should we take one more?

Absolutely.

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Life.

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Oh, here's a really good one from Instagram. It's from in our quotes. 94 on Instagram. How can you sustain self motivation when you constantly suffer from a lot of setbacks?

Well, I feel like I constantly suffer from a lot of setbacks. So I've got a great answer for this. The first one is knowing everybody constantly suffers from a lot of setbacks because if you're going anywhere or you are moving backward first a lot of the time. So I always think of the analogy of the arrow in order to shoot forward you do have to go back. So you have to sometimes the setbacks. What is that quote that everybody loves? I love it too. A setback is a setup for a comeback. So look how many comebacks you get to have over and over and over. And I think people think with a comeback that all of a sudden it's like you're on top. I can't even tell you how many times I feel like every day is a daily setback with a comeback opportunity. So I think that's the freedom right there. First is it sounds like you have the expectation that you are in a boat not similar to other people. Like, you have it worse than other people with your setbacks. And first of all, I think the first thing to do in the most loving way I want to say this is to understand people are in the same boat as you. They're just not sharing it as much. They're not focusing on it as much. So as soon as you can, start focusing more on what you can control, which is your thoughts and your beliefs around your setbacks and start looking at how is this setback setting me up for the comeback? I think that that's going to be so important to look at. Like, oh, is it making me stronger? Is it making me more compassionate? Is it making me say, hey, this person seems to be a big part of all of these setbacks. Maybe I have to leave this person or this job seems to be a big part of it. Or maybe my abundance mindset, or maybe the people I'm hanging out with or the shows I'm watching or my lack of exercise or my lack of taking care of my health. Like, these are. This is all feedback. A setback is feedback. I love that. Oh, where did that treasure trove come from? It's like I picture a box, like, saying. Or a treasure box saying a setback. What did I say? I don't even know.

A setback. Oh, no, I already forgot.

A setback is a feedback for your comeback.

Yeah, something like that.

Oh, I don't know. I think I just did two. Just kidding. I'm not kidding. That was good.

That was good stuff.

I want. I want this quote card for this one to be a treasure box. Box saying that.

Oh, that's pretty.

Yeah. Wouldn't that be pretty?

Yes.

Let's do it.

Pearls.

I want pearls of wisdom with a.

Little clam in there or an oyster.

We'll do some clam. Just gonna end it right there.

That was great.

That was a great one. I feel like I just got my soul filled.

Me too. And I thank everyone for sending their Questions to customer serviceaurieharder.com I think everyone as well.

And you guys. So grateful for you. Let us know all of your questions and also let us know what your biggest takeaway was from this. So you know that I am always hanging out on Instagram. You can send me your stories and it means that. Let me just tell you what means the world to a podcaster, because it's the only way to get a podcast out. You can't really like advertise your podcast all. All over, all the time. And what means the world is sharing your podcast in stories or online or texting it to friends, sharing episodes that really hit you right in the. Right in the heart. The heart right in the center, the treasure. So you got right in the treasure chest of humans. All right, so if you guys would share this podcast, let us know what you think, send us your questions, rate and review and subscribe. Yeah, that's like six things. So pick one.

So start with one and go from there.

Yeah, it's a habit forming. So you guys have the most amazing day and until next time, we will will see you next week on Q.

And A.

I don't know, we might lose people on that one.

Bye guys.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happiness. Be. Thanks again guys. Bye Bye.