302: Q&A: How Do You Deal With Social Anxiety

I take a deep breath and I just say that mantra like, I can handle this. Like, I am capable of handling this experience and this feeling. And while it's super uncomfortable, like, observe it. Where is it? Is it in your solar plexus? Why? Like, start asking it why? Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business, and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the podcast, everyone. And today is one of my favorite days. It is. Besides the fact that tomorrow is my birthday, but this will not be my birthday after this comes out. But birthday girl, birthday girl, birthday girl. I think that goes another way.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, Eve. It's my birthday Eve, which is very exciting because do you know what I've been saying to Chris all week?

What?

Basically today. So it started today, birthday bossy, where I get to be birthday bossy until Sunday. So, like, four solid days of birthday bossy, which means like, whatever you want. Whatever I want. And I can be like, get me coffee. And I can say it like that, too. Give me that coffee. And I can like, ask for just obnoxious things, which I. I need to actually do that. Like, I need to test that because sometimes I feel like, bad about that, but I'm just going to go for it.

And he wants to do nice things for you.

He does. He's totally acts of service, so he secretly loves it. He's like, okay, you're allowed to be birthday bossy for four days. So we'll see. I'm not sure what I all want that to include yet, but I have some good ideas.

I'm excited to hear about them.

I've already asked him this morning. I'm gonna do this course that I listened to a Tony Robbins podcast this morning with his wife Sage, and also Michael Singer, who wrote the untethered Soul. Right. Yeah. In the surrender experiment. So he wrote both of those. And that podcast is so good. I'm telling you, don't leave this podcast yet to go listen to that one. Don't listen. Don't listen to this in its entirety, because it's about to make you a better human. Because what day is it? Birthday Eve and Q and A day. Okay, so. But go listen to that podcast. But I. I told Chris this morning, I'm like, do you know what I want for my birthday? And he was like, what is that? Because we actually don't get each other presents. And I said, I want for you to do this course with me that Michael Singer did, by the way. Not an ad. Not getting paid for his course, but you just want to do it. But I just want to do it because it's all about surrender. And that brings me into. And when I mean surrender, I mean, not just like. Like the layers of. The layers of the layers underneath what surrender means. So that brings me to our favorite quotes, because we are. Right now, we're in the mode of start this with just our quote for where we're feeling right now. This by no means is our favorite quotes, but just a quote for how we're feeling right now in this very moment. Like, so what we do is we actually come up here and look for quotes of how we're feeling in the very moment to kind of capture where we're at.

Yes.

So, Evans, where are you at? What is your quote?

I'm in a great place, and my quote is try to be a rainbow in Someone's Clouds by Maya Angelou.

Tell me all about why.

Because I think the holidays are stressful for everyone, myself included. And you just never know what's going on behind closed doors. So the little things you can do each day, even if it's just asking someone how they're doing, could make a big difference.

Okay. I want to know when you. So when you say stressful, I actually want to know what is stressful about it for you, because I know that. So everybody's wanting to know this right now. Like, they want to not feel alone.

Right.

So when they're like, oh, my God, I'm stressed because I feel the pressure of needing to buy this for this person or my mom is crazy. Right. But, you know, share as much as you like. Oh, yeah.

I think for me personally, my family is blended and all spread out, and my parents are divorced, so I feel pressure to go 8 trillion places in a short period of time, and you just can't do that.

Yeah. So how are you handling that?

As I've gotten older, I've gotten a lot better of saying, hey, everyone, this is where I'll be at this time. If you're in the area, let's get together. If not, no pressure.

So how do you actually do that, though? So I don't actually have that. So the one. The really amazing thing about having a family that does not celebrate holidays and does not, like, blend during the holiday season with the other families is that you only do one set of holidays. So I've never had that because I don't have to go see my family during the holidays. It's just Chris's family. So how do. For real, though? Because everyone's dealing with this, especially people who are, you know, newer in relationships and they're feeling really guilty about going to see the husband's family or the wife's family or the Parker's family or whatever. Like, what does that look like for you when you actually say no? And the people get pissed? Do they ever get pissed?

I think they. They might sometimes. I'm sure they do. Everyone gets. I get mad when I can't see certain people and they don't make time for me. That hurts my feelings. But everyone's pretty much doing the best they can during the holidays, I think.

So how do you let go?

Focus on something else?

Yeah, that's literally all I do. Just move on. Yeah. I'm just like, I can't. I literally say things like that. Like, I just can't. Like, I can't stick. I can't keep putting my thoughts behind this one thing that's bringing me misery. Because at the end of the day, we're always just. We're choosing our own misery.

Exactly. You don't want to sit in that.

No.

When you could come up with a new tradition.

Yeah. Just don't take the bait.

Don't take that bait.

Don't take it. Don't.

What's your quote?

Okay. She's like, we're done. Okay. So I don't know who says this quote because it doesn't say on it. It says, inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions. Whoa. What a great compliment to yours.

That was weird that we both had those.

I know. I think it's just that. Well, for me, this next. Starting even right now, starting the last few months, I've really been focusing on owning my own thought process and really understanding that my mind is truly every single choice in the way that I'm thinking is up to me. No matter what. What comes into my space. Like, no matter who says what, no matter if I get something that I want, no matter if a goal happens, no Matter if I chose right now to do nothing for the rest of my life. It's really the meaning that I apply to it is all that your life is.

Right.

And for some people, that's a scary thought. Like, it really means nothing until you make it mean something.

Exactly.

But it's also super powerful to be like, if it means nothing, then how about I just make the things mean great things that mean something to me and let go of everything else? Because although, yes. I want to be a good person and I want to put out amazing content and I want to add value to the world. Like, if I let it matter what people think of that or if someone I'm. You know, something doesn't land right or I offend someone or I do something terribly wrong, like I have to be okay with myself at the end of the day, no matter what.

Yes.

And I think as a creative and someone who wants to put things out in the world and just a human being who wants to show up in the world and. And experience the world, you cannot. You have to learn to. Not to. To let go.

Right.

It's not. Not care. It's to let go quickly and say, was this feedback for me or was this just somebody who was in a bad mood, in a bad place, or was it something I did wrong and I need to learn from it and then let go. Like, forgive myself.

Right.

Like, learn. Forgive. Great. Move on.

Move on.

Totally. Because nothing is. I mean, honestly, in my opinion, nothing is really un. Unfixable.

That's right.

So, okay, so who is our heavy? That was a heavy. Oh, what?

Let's line it up with the review of the week.

But. But it was so, like, important. Yeah. Review of the.

Say that.

I needed to say it for all of you, and you need. And we just got to get right with our families. And you know what? Like, they are. It's.

It's.

I'm telling you, we've been talking about this. Like, it's the Ram Dass quote that says, you think you're enlightened, Go spend a week at your family's house. Like, you're like, oh, I'm so amazing, and I do yoga. And then. And then you go home and you're like, give me the tequila. I hate you, Mom. It's just a stressful. Just kidding, Mom. I love you. I don't go home for the holidays, so it's all good. Making up that scenario a little bit. You'll never know if it's made up or not.

You never know because this could all be make believe.

It could just.

I could.

It is. Technically.

You're reading off a script right now.

I have to be really honest. Life is all just. And can. Can we go here for a second? Because I think it's. It's like, when you grasp this, like, life is all make believe. Because my take on what is happening right now is so different than your take on it. And it's literally whatever you're making up in your mind.

Oh, now I kind of think I see what you're saying.

Yeah, it's all. It's literally all made up, like. And every single part of it is only the meaning you apply to it ever. And most people are not remotely even applying the same meaning to the experience because they didn't have the 10,000 other experiences that I had in this moment that could even create the way that I'm thinking.

Right?

So it's just. It's all made up. So make it mean what you want. Yeah, Go have some fun on Christmas.

Right? Make it fun.

Make it a game. Yeah, yeah.

You'll get through it.

Someone bugs you, go pin a reindeer nose on them. Be like, ha, ha, Hong Kong joke's on you.

Yeah, Bye.

All right, cool. We got you covered.

Got you covered.

We're never gonna leave you without an answer.

Get that.

Get that reindeer nose and get to cooking. All right, who's the review from?

The review is from Leangela. Nola girl.

Leangela.

Leangela. That's cool. Isn't that a cool name? Lori, I must say how much your podcast has helped me. A couple months ago, I decided to take the journey of finding my true self. Your podcast is taking me on this journey. I'm so thankful for your wisdom and insight. You are helping me to accept the fact that I'm in control of my reality, and my reality is my responsibility. I'm taking what I want, and I'm anointing myself. Women need to hear your message. Thanks a ton.

Oh, my God. Yes, you are. That is amazing. And I. I literally. That was like, we. Okay, so I don't know the reviews of the week until she chooses them. So that was, like, so incredibly perfect. That was weird. Did I tell you about the time I was in New York with my friend Danette and Lindsay, and we were in the park and we were like, let's just, like, play. Like, what would you do right now if you were a kid? And I picked up the stick and I was like, this stick is an anointing stick. What do you want to be anointed for this year. And we literally were like. And we played. And I was literally like, what do I want to be anointed for this year? And they did it too. So I like, literally anointed them with this stick that became this wand. And that's a random story, but I will tell you. It was really like a moment of life is made up. It's all make believe. What if the stick was an anointing stick? What would you actually want? And why are you waiting? Right, so we had this moment of calling out what we wanted to be anointed for, and we were like, you're kidding me. Like, I didn't even know I was waiting to be anointed when we can just do it, anoint ourselves with this stick. And that's how stupid and made up life is. And awesome at the same time.

Right.

But I'm just calling it out something. Yeah. So go on your walk, get a stick with a friend. Say, what do you want to be anointed for this year? And say, this is how ridiculous it is that you're waiting to be anointed.

Right.

Because I just turned the stick into an anointing stick and it's still in.

New York if anyone wants to go find it.

Yeah, it's in Central Park. Good luck with it. I threw it into the bushes, actually, so.

So it might not be there anymore.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, any stick is an anointing stick, so go stick it out.

Stick it out with your friends.

Okay, so what's the first question?

Okay, the first question is from Michelle, and she said, how does one have less and less mental breakdowns? I'm trying to improve my life by having less mental and emotional breakdowns. I feel like sometimes I don't ask for what I need and I bottle up my emotions. I would love your personal take on this, Michelle.

This is such a. An amazing question. Does she have a handle?

It was via email.

Okay, so Michelle via email.

Thank you, Michelle.

That's a great handle at Michelle via email.

Just kidding.

So, Michelle, this is such a beautiful question because, number one, you're in a place of acknowledging, like, wow, I would be a lot happier if I didn't have all these mental breakdowns. Number two, you're acknowledging like, I think I'm in control of these mental breakdowns. You know, going back to that podcast I listened to this morning because it was just, like, so fresh in my mind. Number one, go listen to that if you have. Not yet with Tony Robbins and Michael Singer. Because a mental breakdown is basically a Lot of energy and anger or things that are undealt with that are coming up. So it's a lot of things that maybe you aren't talking about or you're not managing or you're shoving down. And one of the main things that I'll tell you, and I really, truly want you to go listen to that full podcast on it, is that the advice they gave, and it's something that I do all the time, is to relax. In those moments when you feel it coming up and it sounds so stupid and eas, but like, that's when you actually let go. When your body starts to let go is when you can just relax and not feel so uptight and so like upset about it and just be like, almost like the thing doesn't have you anymore. Like you're watching it. Like you're watching yourself let go of the thing. And also, what do you need to do to kind of take care of that? Is there something that you need to do to take care of it that you can do that will help it? If it's something that is, you know, we talk about this all the time. If it's something that, like, is a conversation that's, you know, is not going to fix it, if it's someone who's not ready to change or it's a relationship that, you know, you need to change, like, you probably need to take some action there. But what I would do first is try to release the emotion around it by relaxing into it every time you think about it and switching your thoughts.

Yep.

Kind of like how you were talking with your family, like, or with feeling bad about something. It's always just like, it almost starts with a letting go at first before you go, well, I'm gonna think about something else.

Right.

But you let go of the tightness, you breathe into it, and you keep moving forward. So again, listen to the podcast because I think there's a lot of stuff that's important, you know, to feel in process. But at the same time, I think those are things you could do right now that you'll notice will give you some relief.

Right. Especially when you notice the things that keep on triggering you. That's probably a little hint, one of those nudges or winks like you call them.

Yeah, I love that it's true. Because a lot of our. A lot of the stuff is the same stuff over and over and over and over. Yeah.

And you just gotta make a change.

Over, over, over and out. Over and out.

Gray Squirrel, you want another question?

Always. Okay, great.

I have one. This is from Melissa via email.

Okay. Wow. It's a very similar handle. Yeah. Isn't that weird?

She said.

And I really like this.

This question. My question is about social anxiety, because I've realized that this is something I suffer from when I'm around new people. So cool that she says that. Do you have any tips for overcoming social anxiety and how to feel confident in a room with people you don't know well?

Oh, my gosh. So there's this. Have you ever had a Long island iced tea? It's got seven different liquors in it.

First, start with that.

Okay, so I'm just kidding. But they do make these gummy bears that are. I'm just kidding.

Okay, this is great advice.

I know.

You know what?

Tune in next week where we talk about how to put weed and brownies.

Solve all your problems.

It's a great podcast of weed recipes. Okay, so. All right. So let's chat social anxiety, because this is me.

Fine.

Is this you? Is this you? Come on, this is us. This is. Okay, so many people get it now. There are those. There are those weirdos who don't get it. But just kidding. I love you. Thank God for you as inspiration, but I really don't know too many people who don't have social anxiety. So, number one, let's just say, oh, my God, you're totally normal. You have social anxiety. There's so much. There's reasons why. So let's acknowledge the reasons why. Hi. Are they going to like me? Like, is it. Do I? Am I? That's all you.

Did you wear the right thing?

Did you wear the right thing? That's a huge one. Like, what are they thinking of me? Oh, my God. Everyone says first impressions are everything. Did I just ruin that? What am I gonna say? Does this mean my business isn't gonna work out? Does this mean I'll never be the person I want? Did I just totally ruin my chances of getting in that circle? Oh, my God. Are they gonna. I mean. Yeah. So that right there just stressed me out, like, hardcore. Me, too. So you, number one, have to see what's playing in your mind. What are you hinging this experience on? And let's go back to what we said. None of it means anything, right? Because no one person or opinions of people are gonna, like, make or break you ever. And honestly, at the end of the day, if. If I screw up or ruin the first impression or you don't like me, that's okay. I'll find my people in my circle and I really just want to be liked by the people who like me. Yeah. Like, if you don't like me, that's okay, too. I'm just getting to that place in life where I'm like, you're actually. Everyone is actually not supposed to like me. Like, that doesn't serve me if everyone likes me. It doesn't. So that's an interesting thing is, is.

There a tool you've used in the past when you're going to something new and you're like, do you take a deep breath? Do you stand a certain way? Do you.

Yeah, I. So I feel myself closing up all the time in social situations. So I tell myself, like, just to feel it. Like, I'm like, just feel this. Yes. This is the feeling you try to avoid by going to the bar, but you're not gonna do that this time. Like, and don't get me wrong, yes, I definitely have cocktails in some social situations, but more and more, I'm trying to feel it so that I can move through it. And one of the things I'm saying recently from a podcast that I heard that really resonated with me was the. I can handle this. Not saying here was the change for me, that was huge. It wasn't about, this will all be okay or everything will turn out great. Because my brain was like, stuff has not turned out great in your life. Like, I'm not going to believe that. So it was, I can handle this. Like, whatever comes, I can handle it. It's not. I'm not going to die. Like, even if I have to run out crying, something great will be on the other side of the tears. And I'll. I will figure it out and be like, oh, this happened because I needed to learn that their opinions didn't mean anything of me, or I really did stand for that thing. Or, yeah, they made fun of my outfit, but it's really is what I wanted to wear. And that's just their thing. And they're afraid to show up the way they want to show up, so they had to shut it down or whatever. Like, I mean, random examples, but it's. I. I take a deep breath and I just say that mantra, like, I can handle this. Like, I am capable of handling this experience and this feeling. And while it's super uncomfortable, like, observe it. Where is it? Is it in your solar plexus? Why? Like, start asking it. Why? It's like, is it me or is it them? And it's okay no matter who it is. But a lot of times the energy and the social anxiety that we're feeling, you guys, we are. We feel so much of other people that I often tell myself, I'm like, oh, my God, this is so cool. Cause this isn't even you.

Like, you.

Yeah, you were nervous, but now you feel really crazy. I'm like, I'm. I think I'm feeling everyone, and that's really cool to recognize. Like, oh, we're all nervous. I think I. Now it compounded, and I'm feeling how everyone's feeling. So if I can know everyone's feeling that way, like, take a deep breath, put your shoulders back. Because what happens is you want to close up, and people sense that in your body language, and they won't actually come up to you and talk to you if your arms are crossed or your hands are in your pockets. Like, things like that. Like, just observe that. Like, tiny things, like, when your hands are in your pockets, it actually makes people think unconsciously. And I learned this again from a body language podcast, right? It makes other people feel unsafe. Like, they want to see your hands. So I, like, open my hands up, I put my shoulders back, and I try to just be really open and put a smile on my face, and I let it be okay that I'm uncomfortable.

Right. They're probably uncomfortable, too.

They're always uncomfortable. Totally. So. And I just try to get a couple questions in my mind to give myself, like, a bit of a backup plan. Like, okay, how about you have a few questions that you can ask that's going to keep you interested. And I keep telling myself to stay right here and be present with the person, because it's very easy to, like, get overwhelmed and be like, who's in the room? And should I be talking to them? And should I go over there and just. Just be present, like, with that person, Have a few questions, and then be really interested in what they're saying. Right. Like, even if it's boring, be like, how can I find what's interesting about this moment?

You can always ask something.

Yeah, you can always ask something. Like, what did you. What? Like, did you like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese growing up? Or did your mom make her own?

Ooh, that's a great question.

What's yours?

We actually had. We were a Velveeta family.

Oh, my God. Really?

Yeah.

I don't really know that many Velveeta people.

Well, lucky for you, we ran into each other at this party, and now we've talked about macaroni cheese.

Oh, my God. That would have immediately bonded me to you because I'd be like, I really haven't met men. Like we were really anti Velveeta for some reason. Like it just, we did. Our taste buds did not like it.

You didn't like the shells, the cheese? The cheese?

No, it was like Kraft all the way. Or we would sometimes like make our own.

It is a unique flavor.

It really is.

This is not sponsored by Velveeta.

It's not, but I'm thinking about it.

But I do like Mac and cheese.

But let's do that after this. Okay?

2026 is the year that you launch your business. It's the year that you've become the boss. You become the leader. That idea that you have that has been eating at you forever that just will not leave you alone is going to come to life. Maybe it's something that someone tells you you should always sell or a store you've already designed in your head. And with Shopify, 2026 is when you finally make it happen. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person. Millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap from household name to first time business owners. Just getting started you guys. I use Shopify for glossy and I remember when they sent me my little shopping bag celebrating my 10,000 sales and I literally cried because I, I was so scared to take the leap and I'm so glad that I did and that I use Shopify. It gives you all the tools to easily build your dream store. You can choose from hundreds of beautiful templates that you can customize to match your brand setup is fast with Shopify's built in AI tools that write product descriptions and headlines and help you edit photos. So marketing is built in too. You can create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. So as you grow, Shopify grows with you. You can handle more orders, expand to new market and do it all from the Same dashboard in 2026. Stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com happy. Go to shopify.com happy that's shopify.com happy. Hear your first cha ching this new year with Shopify by your side.

Too.

Many people finish their workday feeling frustrated, drained and unfulfilled. I know that. I have experienced that myself. And the good news is it doesn doesn't have to be this way and you don't need a new job to fix it. Patrick Lencioni, author of the five Dysfunctions of a Team and More than a dozen Other bestsellers created the working genius assessment to help you pinpoint the kind of work that gives you energy, the kind that lights you up, and it also shares the kind that drains it. So over a million people, including me, have taken it and completely changed how I lead and show up every day. If you're a CEO, an entrepreneur, or someone who just wants to level up in business and in life, working genius is going to give you the clarity and confidence to operate in your strengths and find greater joy in what you do. Because confidence isn't pretending to be good at everything. It's knowing where you're truly gifted. Take the working genius assessment today and get 20% off with code Earn at Working genius.

Com.

That's Working Genius.

Com.

You'll be glad you did it.

All right, so we have questions for each other, and then we are. But we forgot to tell you guys that we are sending you an awesome jazzy gift.

Yes.

For the review of the week. Yeah. Review of the week.

Review of the week. So that was leangela Nola. If you want to email customer service, we'll send you a gift.

Yeah, we're sending you a gift, and we're going to do these questions really fast. Okay. This is a speed round.

Yes.

Okay, so this is not a speed round question, but you can do it. Okay. What was your biggest lesson from this year? What do you feel like you learned the most about yourself?

That I can do anything.

It's true. I watched you totally transform and be like, I can handle this.

That sounded so terrible.

Why?

Resourcefulness. I say resourcefulness.

Can I just say as it. Can I just say, as an employer, I really know. As an employee. Please stop it. Stop it. Say, I can do anything.

I can do anything.

Yes. As an employer, I don't want my person to be like that.

I can.

That I can do some stuff. Like, I want the person to be like, I can figure anything out. I can do anything.

Anything.

Yeah.

Everybody can do anything.

I won't say it again.

I can do anything.

All right, what's my question?

Your question is. This is a fun question. If you could time travel and live in any time, what would you choose?

Oh, man, this is such a corny answer. But it's. It's not at all not apologizing for my answer.

Okay.

I would pick right now because I, like, legitimately would pick right now because it's a time where we are believing. Like, we're breaking from an old mode. So I like the process of learning to break from the old mode and of thinking that we had constrictions on what we can do, the way we can think, our. Our freedoms, especially as, like, women and what's possible for us and how people view us into a world of I can do anything. Ooh, like, that's so cool to live in. Both. Because I might have a daughter or a son who really, really knows. Like, they. That's not even a possibility that they think they can't do something. Don't get me wrong, they'll have another set of problems that comes with I can do anything. Sure, but isn't that so awesome? Yeah.

Get out there and you can do what you put your mind to.

Anything.

Anything you want.

Oh, my God. It's the Roger Bannister effect. Like, people are women are women, and human beings are doing anything they want. So with that said, go and do it.

Go do that thing, because none of.

It means anything anyway. You got this, you got this, you got this, you got this. We didn't practice a song for this one, so that's all you guys get. But thank you guys so much for being a part of our Q and A. Please always send in your questions so that we can have you be a part of the podcast. And your reviews mean the world. It's how a podcast gets out in the world. And we're able to bring you even more fun stuff when you go and you share the podcast. So do you know what I would love for my birthday? What? I would love if people would share one of their favorite podcasts from this last year with. With somebody that they love. Like, if they could gift an interview or information or something that helped transform them from the podcast, that would, like, rock my world. Hashtag birthday gift.

Birthday gift. Hashtag birthday gift. Share for Lori's birthday.

Oh, my God, I love that. I just created my own birthday presents.

Thanks, guys.

It's a very Sagittarius trait to do. Okay, sending you guys so much, much love. And until next time, earn your happy.

Bye.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye Bye.

It.