305: How Do You Build Confidence When You’re Feeling Judged?

It's like backwards because you're being stopped before you're even starting to do the things that build the confidence. Because confidence is only built when you put faith in action and you do things that you have not yet done before that scare you. Like right. That's all it is. Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Hi, everybody, and welcome back to the show. I am seated across from my partner for Q and A Day, and it's Evans. Hello, Evans. Can we share?

Hello, Lori.

Can we share the story of your name?

Sure.

Okay. So you guys, this is so interesting because we brought Evans on last year.

Yes.

Okay.

2017.

Oh my God, it's been a year. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. We celebrated your anniversary. Your workaversary.

Workaversary.

And we brought Evans on. And not too long after, I didn't know that her real name was Hillary. Hillary with one l. So I'm thinking of changing my name because she makes it normal. No, but really. So you've been called Evans your whole life, though. My whole life.

It's my middle name.

Okay. So is that after a grandpa or grandma?

Yes, my great grandmother. Her name was Eunice Evans. And my mom was nice enough to drop the Eunice part. No offense to anyone named Eunice. No, but it just wasn't for me.

No. I can't picture you as a Eunice. Me neither. Yeah, you're definitely an Evans.

I'm glad to be one.

And your name is one of those that. One of those that literally nobody knows if I have a male or female assistant ever. And I like to keep it that way. Yes, absolutely. I'm like, what do you think? I don't know. It is suspenseful. It's like you're coming to Bliss Project and you don't know if you've been talking to Evans or Evans.

Right. Who is Evans?

I know who's Evans.

Who's Evans?

So sometimes I call her Hillary, but it's rare because it just does not fit you.

Nope.

And I also like to call you Evans. Yeah.

Even Stevens.

Okay, so that's the story of your name. So if I could change my name, I think I would change it to, you know, there's just so many cool names out there now that the name Lori. So Lori means taxi cab, basically, I'm pretty sure.

Or it means taxi, cat.

Or truck.

Or something like that. Like, Google it right now for me. Look up the meaning.

What.

What is it? Look up what is a lorry. I think it's a cab in London.

Lori.

Yeah, put. What is a Lori?

The name Lori is an English baby name. In English, the meaning of the name Lori is a laurel tree or sweet bay tree. So symbolic of honor and victory. Also known as a taxi cab.

I just made up the last part.

I was like.

See? Okay, hold on. No, it. Well, why did someone tell me it was a taxi cab?

Maybe it's slang.

Oh, like, what is a British lorry? L, O, R, R, Y. And nine other UK motoring terms. So it actually is.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. It's a very large North American truck, often called a semi, that pulls shipping containers or other large dry cargo containers on a flatbed fitted with wheels in an articulated lorry. That's awesome.

Lorry.

Or sometimes otherwise known as a juggernaut.

A juggernaut. What's a juggernaut?

Look that up.

A juggernaut.

But that's. I'm gonna take that as a compliment. Like, do you know how they're, like, sending the juggernaut? Like, oh, so maybe it's the girl.

Who closes a huge, powerful and overwhelming force or institution.

Oh, that's me.

Okay. You have a lot of meanings. Your transportation. You're a powerful force, and you're a nice tree.

Wow. I feel better about my name. You know how I just called it boring, not boring. Okay, so feeling better about my name? Maybe I won't change it.

Yeah, I don't think you should.

I. But if you could. If I. When you come in tomorrow, if you could just call me juggernaut or nice tree, I'll take it.

I can't breathe Juggernaut.

It's overrated. Okay. Hey, Juggernaut. Jugs. All right.

So.

All right. Hey, jokes. Oh, that's fine, too. Seems like a compliment. All right.

All right.

So if you guys are thinking of changing your name, what I recommend is googling it first in many different forums and spelled in different ways, and you get a different. You know what? I just changed my perception of my name.

I think that's so cool that you have so many meanings behind it.

Have you ever sat in a room and just said your name over and over for almost an hour?

No, but I will tonight.

Because I haven't done that either. Okay. So I have done it.

Okay.

And what happens is that it almost seems like it's not even a word. And you almost don't understand how you've identified with that name for your whole life. It becomes very bizarre. I don't think you need an hour. I think five minutes will do.

I was gonna say that's a long time.

I don't think it. Was this a punishment or was it. No, I was a teenager.

Okay. You just wanted to say your name.

I had more time.

Okay.

Maybe it was after that one song came out. I'm stopping there. Okay. Okay. So today we are bringing different views of different things. We're really not, but we are gonna talk about where we're at. And when we do that, we use quotes. Love quotes. So what quote did you find to summarize kind of where you're at this week? It's so much fun because we get to do this every week. So so much changes in the week. Like, one week I'm talking about bliss, and the next week I'm talking about criticism.

Juggernauts.

Juggernauts. You know, it's important. Okay, what's your favorite quote?

My quote this week is by Nancy Levin, and she says, honor the space between no longer and not yet.

Oh, I don't know if we're allowed to talk about why we're not yet. Okay. Because there's a little space there in your life.

There's a space I feel like we.

Can talk about later on. Just keep listening. Keep listening. Find out. She's gonna. She's gonna adopt a sheep.

I'm a sheep mom now.

She's not. But keep listening for what's coming soon. I love that so much, and I think that that is going to resonate so much for people. Read it one more time. So beautiful. I need to hear it again.

Honor the space between no longer and not yet.

Oh. I just feel like that could apply to so many things in my life right now. That's really powerful.

A lot of transitions this time of year.

It feels really good, too. I think, if you let it feel good.

Yes.

All right, so mine is by Thomas Sezza. S Z A. S Z says, says boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time. Serenity is that nothing is. Ooh, delicious. I love that it's like roasted cauliflower. Roasted cauliflower is what you just gave us. Yep.

Thank you.

You're welcome. So the reason that I love that one. Isn't it fun to talk like this? Yes, it is. The reason I love that one is because nothing. Like, it's so easy to look at our life and be always waiting for. It's easy to look at my life and be waiting for what's next or that next high. Or, like, oh. Like, I want to make sure I'm enjoying life more or doing more that I love. And while that's super important, it's also so important to realize that there are things in life that are actually built in that make the good things good. Like unloading your dishwasher for real. Like, knowing that that's an important thing that your brain is doing. Like, you're actually, like, organizing, separating. Your brain's turning off. You're focusing on something. And I know that that's just a random thing to use, but, like, doing different tasks you have to do that you don't want to do, instead of, like, being in the resistance around it, knowing that doing something that's challenging or something that maybe you don't love is actually serving a purpose.

Right. Like cleaning your toilets.

Yes.

Nobody wants to.

Serving a purpose. I used to get so much joy out of cleaning until I got really busy, and then it just became, like, you know, not good.

Yeah.

So do you like cleaning? I do. Do you clean, like, on a certain day?

I just, like. I try to do a little cleaning every day.

Oh, that's good.

It's not. But I don't always do that.

Yeah.

Because I'm a human.

I pick up every day.

It's good to just wake up with a clean slate.

Yeah. But then, I mean, Susie comes in on Tuesdays, who's my amazing housekeeper on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and does, like, deep cleaning. But I'm the person who cleans before the cleaner comes for sure.

Yes.

But she just does.

I feel like everyone does that. I think so too, because you're just like, I don't. I don't want to be embarrassed.

I'm like, please don't judge me. Yeah. Sorry. I'm somewhat organized. Like, but there have been times when she's walked in, and I just go up to her and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm embarrassed about my home, and I'm just gonna release it. And she's like, it's great. She's amazing.

She is amazing.

She's like, the most beautiful caretaker in pretty much all of our lives.

She really is. She can organize anything, everything. It's amazing.

So you guys, we all work in this house so we can all, I think we all pick up after each other though, which is super awesome. But she's like such a caretaker for all of us. It's so special.

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Okay, so those are our quotes. Do you have a question for me? Oh, I do.

Okay. My question is talking about anxiety and the holidays and things like that. So I come to your house every single day and I'm always wondering. I don't think I've ever seen you and Chris. I wonder what the switch is for. How you wake up each day and you're like, you know what? I choose joy today. I admire that. Every time I walk in here, it's like, even if you tell me you're having a bad day or something like that, you still are optimistic. And what did. Have you always been like that? Or is it something you taught yourself to do?

Number one. Thank you for that. You're welcome. I'm so glad that I've learned how to create that environment for you and for me.

Yeah.

So have I always been that way? No. Okay, so it is a choice immediately in the morning. Because I think we talk about this a lot. Like, I wake up and seriously am so aware now, especially after all of the self work and the books and the podcast. Like, if you are miserable, it's a choice. And sometimes, and I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I need to sit in it and it needs. It's like serving me. Like I need to feel something, I need to be upset or I need to be miserable. But. But part of what you experience is because you also bring that into my home. So you're super joyful. Oh, thanks. Yeah, because I've absolutely, like found it more challenging when I've worked in the past, past of all of my work history with different people, that hasn't been as easy. But because I think that your default is to choose joy as well and to look on the bright side, that also makes it easier. But I have always been a. I've been a major silver lining person. Because you have to be.

Yes.

And I guess if you're not, that's just like choosing misery, so. Right. Yeah. I think we choose it in the morning, and. And we're constantly. I think when you find a partner who also is. You become really aware together. Like, you remind each other. Right. Because Chris always reminds me.

Choose Joy.

Yeah. Sometimes he'll be like, oh, you're crabby. How's that serving you? And I'm like, don't you use those words with me. Like, don't you hate when your partner. Like, don't you touch a juggernaut like that. Juggernaut.

I'm a powerful force.

I'm dying. Okay. All right, so. Oh, my question for you.

Yes.

I feel like I could just re. Ask that question back, but I won't. That'd be cheap. Okay. Oh, okay.

Yes.

So you have had to make new friends here.

Yes.

And I've been watching that. You have been like, you had people over at your house for, like, a Christmas party.

Yes.

And you had new friends. And I feel like you're connecting with people and putting yourself out there. So you guys, like, she moved here and did not have friends and got this job right away. And then I don't think you really had a ton of people before that because your boyfriend was out here. Right, Right. So how have you been dealing with the weird social anxiety that comes with female friends and making couples friends? And how are you doing it?

I'll be honest. When I first moved here, I was extremely sad and depressed, and I even got so sad that I was scared to go to the grocery store. And do you know when you're just so kind of feeling lonely and you go to the checkout line and you're like, oh, my gosh, what am I going to say to this person?

What?

But then each day it gets a little easier and easier, and I think it's important to sign up for, like, a class or when I signed up for an improv class, that kind of opened up a little lane of being able to connect with people automatically in there because you have your classmates and you're on a group text for class, and you can be like, do you want to go have a coffee after or a beer or whatever you want to do? I mean, start there.

You keep getting turned down, but people.

Keep turning you down. And then there's that one person.

And.

Then you start paying.

It's your mom. Yeah.

Then your mom comes out and gives people money. No.

And you're fine.

Thanks, mom. This is a paid advertisement for moms, for moms. Just random moms are sending us money just to say nice things about moms because they're like, you haven't said very nice things about moms lately.

We love moms.

We love moms. I'm a mom lover. I'm making a shirt that says I love moms. All right, so, okay, that's amazing advice. And can I just say thank you for sharing that, like, you can actually go into. I have been there, like, when I. So this was back when I lived in Milwaukee, and I just, like, did not. I started to. Not even. I didn't have even jobs where I talked to, like, humans. So I started to turn into this hermit, who. Then it was so weird to even, like, talk to people because I forgot how to even socialize, which I think I hear actually from a lot of moms who maybe are having, like, where they first have to stay home or they're with their baby all the time. Like, I actually hear that that's so common for women. Like, you can just get so used to being at home and not talking to other adults that it can become, like, a massive challenge. So that's something for when we have kids in the future, too. You have to, like, join groups right away and make sure it's all about setting up your support system. Right.

It's not easy, but you can do it.

You have to do it.

And you're not alone.

It's everyone.

Every single person.

It's literally everyone. Like, everyone I talk to out here goes through a super challenging time.

Every single person.

And that's everywhere. It doesn't matter if you're in California or wherever you are. It's freaking everywhere. Okay. Loved.

Loved that. You know what else? You're gonna love this review of the week.

Yeah, I am. Juggernauts love reviews. Juggernauts loves reviews.

Okay, this one comes from Caitlin S. Wheeler.

Whoa.

Wheeler.

That's a great name. I feel like Juggernaut Wheelers. I feel like that'd be a great combo.

Anyway, Caitlin said, I just listened to Lori's Go all in episode, and my soul is literally shook.

Oh, I love that. Love that.

I shared it with my entire team for some daily inspiration, and I cannot wait for them to listen. I've been feeling very anxious in the past couple of weeks. I'm definitely living in the gray. And Lori's podcast shook Me made me realize what is keeping me from My island paradise is the boat I'm currently living in. She has inspired me to close all the windows, get down to work, and I will definitely use this episode as motivation when I am doubting myself as I embark to put in some hard work to reach my island. Can't wait to check out other podcasts soon.

I'm not gonna lie, that might be one of my favorite reviews ever.

Caitlyn S. Wheeler.

Like, she's a great writer.

I love the way she. Everything she wrote I. I like.

All I could think about was singing back to her. You shook me all day long.

All day long.

Yeah, we're not gonna go with the nighttime, but we're saying all day I shook you. And I just. I'm singing an anthem for you. Like, I'm so pro.

That was awesome.

Yeah. Amazing. And thanks for sharing it with your team too. Very cool. I hope your team feels just as shook as you just shook. Awesome.

You want a question now?

Yes, please.

Okay, question number one. Also about anxiety.

Yep. That's the theme.

That's the theme comes from Adrian Ray Webster. What is your number one tool to release anxiety? This is so good.

Because, you guys, if you haven't noticed, almost all of our questions every week, somebody's got something on anxiety. Yep. And I think that different tools serve you at different times. The first thing that I think I would look at is what is causing the anxiety and what's making it worse. Preventative Tip 101, root cause of your anxiety. So it's really looking at it. Like, wait, my tooth hurts so bad. Why, like, how do I put a band aid on it? Oh, Ambesol. That's great, baby. Imbecile. And then. But instead be like, no, it's the Coca Cola that I'm slamming all night long. Yeah. So here's the first thing is that when my anxiety is really high, I notice that you do super sabotage things.

Oh, that's true.

You, like, drink more coffee. Yep. Yeah. And you isolate yourself.

Yes.

And maybe you are, like, you're too anxious to do self development stuff, AKA meditate, listen to podcasts, or read books, because you're like. Like anxiety just feels like you're on overwhelm and it's like your thoughts are spiraling and you feel like you're doing things that serve you, but they're really not. Right. So first of all, well, let's start looking at what you're doing that's making it worse. And just. You don't even. It's more like, I'll start pulling it out and noticing, like, whoa, I'm not even giving my space myself the space to calm down or, oh, I keep thinking that thought over and over and over again. What's something that can help me start getting rid of that? Okay. And I really start to do things that make me feel more nurtured and give myself more grace so that I can kind of let go. Because anxiety. You actually notice that you have to participate in anxiety. So I have to be. When I participate in anxiety. And this is what you should do. Write this out, everybody. Not while you're driving. So when I participate in anxiety, I do blank. Ooh. Yeah.

What do you do when I participate in anxiety? I think I become mean.

Okay, so you're mean. And what are you thinking, though? Negative. Okay.

Negatively.

So what else? When you participate in anxiety, what else do you do?

Hermit. Lash out at people I love. Eat junk food.

Yep. That helps. That definitely helps.

Love the junk food.

Oh, yeah, that's like. So if you want to be mean, like, just be like, I want to be mean and go to the mean section and eat sugar and eat junks. Go crazy. Oh, I'm mean and get kind of.

Lethargic sometimes too, isn't it? Well, I don't know.

I do a lot of different things.

A lot of different things. Just depends on the day.

Yeah, me too. Yeah, it just has a lot of different faces. It's like the Halloween mask sore. You just pick one of the ugly ones, and that's what I do.

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Okay, so write that out. Get really clear on what you're choosing. And then like I said, just bring in the grace and bring in the love and do the opposite of what you're doing. But notice like when I notice what I'm doing, I'm like you're participating. Like you're actually opting in and choosing it.

Right.

So let go and kind of reset and be like, what would make me feel the most nurtured right now? What could actually bring a bit more peace? Is there somebody I could go be around? Is there a class that I know always makes me feel a little bit better?

Yes.

But going to the root cause and really just noticing how it's just an addictive pattern and it's okay. Right? Everyone gets it. We're just. Do you wanna know the craziest thing?

Yes.

Like we're literally just a set of patterns that have become habits.

Yeah.

And until you decide not to be that pattern anymore because you learned it and it was easy and you watched other people cope that way, or it just felt like an easy thing to do. Like, you're just a pattern.

It's a default setting. It is. Yeah.

Switch the default. You can. I've switched so many things. Like, I used to be such an eater with stress and eater with joy and eater with you. Name it. We'd be sitting here, and I'd be like, I like this. Let's eat.

Yeah.

Let's celebrate this more. Let's snack it out. But now I'm like, let's not all the time anyway. And let's, like, talk or let's do something or an activity or a walk or a workout. And that took so long because when people first said, like, oh, yeah, go work out, instead, I was like, that sounds awful, right? Like, what? No.

Do you think walking is a tool for you? Maybe?

Because I feel like, oh, it's one of my biggest tools. So I'm so glad you pointed that out. So it's actually my biggest tool. And when I say, like, notice how you're participating. The opposite thing that I do is I'll go for a walk and get into gratitude. And it's my number one go to. Is walking in gratitude. Yeah. So. So thank you for that.

You're welcome.

You put me back on track because I tend to be a. I tend to take the long route around. Like, if I was Waze, I'd be long ways.

Long ways on the juggernaut. Is that how you say it? Juggernaut? I don't even know what it is anymore.

Hi. Go to my. Go download my app. It's called long ways. I will show you the longest way to the point. Yep, that's me. I don't know how I get anything done.

Okay, we have one more question.

Let's do it up.

Okay. This is from eresahynes official. Oh, Lord, I'm so sorry that I messed that up.

Hi, Theresa Hines.

Hey, Theresa Hines.

She asks what's the best way to build confidence when you're feeling judged all the time and also getting anxiety?

Hmm. Didn't I just talk about this today? About feeling judged?

Yes. Oh, yeah, this morning you did.

Okay, let me feel into that question. Read it to me one more time.

What's the best way to build confidence when you're feeling judged all the time and you're also getting anxiety?

So judgment for me, started to really transform when I decided to stop. Judging other people was one huge thing. So it's hard to do confident things, confidence building things, because that means probably putting yourself out there. And the judgment is what's stopping her. So the confidence, it's like backwards, because you're being stopped before you're even starting to do the things that build the confidence. Because confidence is only built when you put faith in action and you do things that you have not yet done before that scare you. That's all it is. So confidence can't come when you're feeling judged, but when you're feeling judged, it's usually because you're judging other people or you're really targeting in on. Focusing in on how other people are being judged by people. So you're focusing in on all the fear around judgment. And so when that is, when you're afraid of it, what happens is it's like that same idea of steering your car and being like, oh, my God, I don't want to crash in that pole. I don't want to crash in that pole. And staring at the pole, and all of a sudden you crash into the pole. Like, it's just how it works. Like when they say, you know, in the winter, and they're trying to teach you how to not crash into the pole if your car loses.

Oh. If you're sliding on ice or something.

Yeah. They're like, look the way you want to go.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Don't look at the thing you're trying to avoid. So what happens is people, literally, they're like, I don't want to hit the pole. And they stare at the pole and they hit it. That's literally how it works. So what happens is you have to look at all of the reasons why you need to choose confidence. And you have to look at the people who are being confident and continue to put themselves out despite criticism. And. And look for if. You know, there was a really beautiful thing. There was a woman who got, like, a influencer that I really love who got criticized pretty bad this year over something. And I am now kind of. And it kind of freaked me out. It made me be like, I don't wanna put myself out there because of that. That's what happens. The good people are getting torn down. And I'll tell you, that stayed with me for a while. And I really backed down. I was like, I'm only gonna talk about really vanilla things, and I'm gonna be safe, and I'm gonna stay off social media. And then what happened was I wasn't happy because I wasn't expressing myself.

Yeah.

And now what I'm looking for is I'm looking at all the ways she's celebrating how she got through. And I'm looking at what has. How she's gotten better. And I'm looking at how different people deal with criticism. Like, I really love watching Rachel Hollis. She's a great one for how she deals with criticism because she shares what she gets criticized about all the time and then talk about why it made her better and how she got through or how she, you know, maybe it did bring a little attention to something she wanted to pay more attention to or. Or that she should focus on more. Whatever it is, like, it's not a bad thing. So starting to really be like, number one, I don't want to focus on. I'm gonna be judged. I'm gonna be judged. They're getting judged. It's so scary. If I get judged and be like, if I get judged, I'll get through it. And that's been my mantra lately. Like, I'll get through anything. Like, no matter what happens, I'll get through it. But I have to put myself. Like, you have to keep on putting yourself out there. So now that you know that. Because that's the main thing. Like, you can't even think of doing confidence building things if you don't first, like, get right and accept. If you do get judged and criticized, you're gonna get judged and criticized and it's gonna be okay. Like, it's gonna be okay. You and me got judged and criticized. It was great. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It was awesome. And we dealt with it and it was perfect. We should do better for it. Exactly. It's amazing. So then I would say, what do you want to do? Do you think that would make you feel more confident? Like, even just little tiny things, little faith in action. Someone said that that was, like, what confidence meant to them on one of my posts. And I just thought that that was so beautiful.

That's really poetic sounding.

Yeah, it's just in. And I want to add to that faith in messy action.

Yes.

Because I'm just like a shit show on fire 99% of the time. But I know that there are firemen.

Hey, they came over this week.

They did. Because someone smelled natural gas outside of our house and all of the firemen came and Evans had to go out there and not act like her neck was blotchy.

It was very blotchy.

When she gets nervous or does something new, her neck breaks out in, like, a little bit of a blotchy hive.

Sure does. Probably blotchy right now.

It is right now, actually.

There's Some cute firefighters, too.

Some firemen made her a little blotchy. Just kidding. She's, like, the most, like, non. I don't know, firefighter type of girl, but maybe you are.

They're handsome.

I didn't see them.

I'm getting hot just thinking about it.

Well, good thing that there are firemen nearby, because they've got water.

Yep.

And they seemed very confident. Speaking of confidence.

Did they? They did. Well, they're Santa Monica firemen.

Yes.

There's a different breed of firemen because they, like, work out daily. Right. Like, they live. Not that most firemen don't, but they literally park their truck, which is crazy. Like, they park their truck, and we see them running, running sprints and stairs every single day. Like, all of them do the stairs.

You know what?

What?

I bet that builds our confidence.

I think it does.

Just getting out there, moving their body.

I couldn't agree more. There you have it. Like, the first time that they probably had to go put out a fire, that. That's how they built it.

I can't imagine.

Yeah. No.

Yeah.

Nope.

Nope.

Anyway, okay. All right. So super grateful that you've stayed this long.

Shout out to Santa Monica police Department.

Shout out to you guys. Smelling that natural gas and saving us.

Yes. That was very nice.

Oh, I have so many jokes right now, but I'm gonna hold off. Okay, guys. So grateful for you and grateful for you, even.

Grateful for you.

Thank you.

And you guys, if you want to be shouted out on this amazing Q A, just know that you can leave a review of the week. And we always send a little gifty. So we're sending a gift to the review of the week. Thank you so much for the. That beautiful review. That one just.

Caitlyn S. Wheeler.

Freaking. Your review shook me. That was beautiful. Caitlyn S. Wheeler. Yeah. Just beyond grateful for everybody listening. And until next time, earn your happy.

Yay. Bye. Thank you.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing, and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye. Bye.