319: Get the Processes to Step Into Your Purpose with Ashley Stahl

The most powerless place you can be is in limbo. And if you want to be a powerful person, to me that means sit, make a decision eventually. Like give yourself a timeline, show up, get committed and see what feedback the universe gives you so that you can course correct along the way.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the show. Thank you all for joining me for this episode. I'm so grateful to have you back and I'm thrilled today because I get to have a conversation with one of my most genius friends. And not only is she just completely brilliant and like awe inspiring and she's going to surprise you. I'm going to surprise you with her bio in one second. But she cracks me up. She's so down to earth. Like whenever I'm around her I literally just pretty much laugh the whole time and then she just drops. So much wisdom. So she's one of those people that you just love being around.

So.

Ashley Stahl is a counter terrorism professional turned podcaster, forthcoming author and life coach who helps clients find their purpose, land more jobs, job offers, build their confidence and launch successful service based businesses. Her E course, the Job offer Academy has a methodology that's helped more than 5000 job seekers land job offers in 30 different countries. She hosts inspirational guests each week on her show. Her podcast is called the U turn Podcast Y o U turn Podcast with the intention of helping her listeners work on themselves, raise their confidence, all while taking life less seriously. You guys, she been named top 99 foreign policy leaders under 33 by the diplomatic Courier magazine. She has been a columnist for Forbes, she's been featured on TEDx, the Wall Street Journal, CBS, Self, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune and more. I'm telling you, you guys, she is walking brilliance. So in addition to her coaching business, she's the founder of Cake Publishing. It's a ghostwriting company, copywriting and publicity house that helps influencer strengthen their credibility through inspiring Blog posts, PR placements, and more. She's earned her master's degree in international relations from King's College London and another master's in spiritual psychology at the University of Santa Monica. She holds a bachelor's degree from the University of Redlands in government history, and she's fluent in French. She also knows how to speak Arabic, but she recently said that she's completely forgot how to speak Arabic. So, like I said, Ashley's hilarious and brilliant, and that pretty much sums it up. So this conversation is so, so down to earth, but everything is easy to understand and applicable to your life, your goals, and your business. So whether you have a business, which she's a genius on, helping you get clarity on which we talk so much about, or you're really just looking to go to the next level, you guys, she definitely is sharing a ton of tools, all about to do that. So let's get started. Ashley, I'm so excited that you're finally on the show. I feel like I've been like. I don't know. I feel like I've wanted to do this for a really long time, but right now is the perfect time. So welcome.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Every time I see you, I'm so entertained by you that I'm like, let's not record anything. Let's just jam and hang out. It's so fun to be able to connect with your people and with you this way.

Oh, my God. Well, I'm super excited because, you guys, what you don't know is that Ashley's, like, one of the people that I'm kind of manifesting to be able to spend more time with in the future in my life, because it is fun. I just have fun. I laugh a lot.

Oh, my God. Isn't humor just so healing? I think a lot of it's interesting because a lot of comedians have, like, serious depression. And I found that so interesting because for me, working in personal development, I'm always working on myself. So my humor, some people ask, is it a mask? And I'm like, no, I'm just, like, raging. Like, I feel good.

No, this is just how I really am. Like, I love that, though. And I think that now more than ever, we are so incredibly lucky to be able to weave it into all we do. Like, I even. Even, like four years ago, people would either, you know, end up hanging out with me or doing something like, oh, my God, you're. You're funny. And I was like, oh, my God. I don't show that in some of the Things that I do all the time. Like, I think I tried, but I didn't know how to quite fully do that yet, you know? So how do you do that?

Well, you know, like, what you're really reminding me of is how challenging it can be to find your voice. It's like, I remember when I was starting my coaching business and I wanted to help people in their careers, and it was like so many people I would look up to and look around at and try to figure out what to write on my website. And I think that that disconnect was just like not knowing myself and not feeling something safe to share who I am in the world, you know?

Okay, so before we dive into that, because I'm coming back to that question, how do you feel safe to show up the person that you are in the world? So I'm writing that down so that we can circle back, because first, I think people should probably get familiar with you.

I mean, we could just do it.

Hi, welcome everyone. This is my friend.

That's what happens when you're with your friend on a podcast.

It does. I always feel like, here's the deal, we could talk about whatever the hell we want on the second one. The first, when I'm kind of like, eh, I should probably know a little bit about you, so would you share a little bit about your story?

Okay, well, I will start in college and I will try to give you guys the short and sweet. But basically I, much like most people, got to college and had no idea who I was or what I wanted for my career path and had to major in something. And so I just kind of checked in and figured out what was interesting to me. And later I would realize there's a big difference between an interest, a passion, a calling skill set, and all these different elements of your purpose in life. But at that time, I just. The only thing I had was my instinct and I thought, okay, I'm interested in government, so I'll just study that. And that lent itself to me doing everything I could to set myself up for a career in public service. And it translated into me learning foreign languages. I learned Arabic, I learned French. I'm still bilingual and French today. And ended up going to a top school to study foreign affairs and counterterrorism in the uk. And it was kind of then where I started to hear a whisper like, hey, this might not be your career path, but it was really inconvenient for me to listen to that, because when we listen to that voice inside of us, it's like we gotta make a lot of change in life. And that's what sucks about the truth and what keeps people from listening to it is that it hurts and it's inconvenient a lot of the times. But I remember being in grad school and we had this one particular lecture, it was four hours and it was about foreign affairs. And I think it was like US foreign policy objectives in Israel or something like that. And I remember, yeah, loaded, you know, multiple hour debate in London and this guy next to me stood up and he said we should just blow Israel off the map. And I remember in that moment just thinking, I'm too sensitive for this path. Like I, and there's nothing wrong with that, you know, I don't have to make it wrong, it just is I'm really sensitive individual. And I remember leaving that lecture and going to happy hour with some friends and thinking to myself, God, I need a break from this. And everybody around me was continuing to talk about the lecture. And I remember looking up and saying, why don't we talk about the fact that Michael Jackson died or like something. I was just trying to make it light, even though that's not maybe the lightest. But I remember thinking in that moment, wow, they're obsessed with this. And I'm just interested in this and I have a lot of interest. That was the first whisper that I had had that maybe that was just interest of mine and not a career path. And I think a lot of people give their interest in undue promotion and don't question it to really make sure it holds enough to be actual career. And so fast forward, I ended up landing a job during the recession after three months of sleeping on my parents couch as an admin assistant making minimum wage. And I was in so much pain that I couldn't get the job that I wanted. But after months of job hunting and being sick of applying for jobs and never hearing back, I just thought, you know what? I need to take what I could get. And so I did. And a few months into that job, I had called my college and said, hey, can you give me a list of every single alumni that's ever graduated and moved to dc? Because even though I heard that whisper that maybe I wasn't meant for counterterrorism, I still just wanted a plan for the sake of it. I wanted something to hold onto like I think so many people do. And so I ended up working my way through a list of 2000 names over four months on my lunch break, calling people completely cold calling, and eventually got Enough traction to quit my job and move to dc. And in a span of six weeks, I got three job offers, I tripled my salary, and I accepted a position running a program for the Pentagon. So I'd moved to a new city, gotten multiple offers, and completely went from admin to manager, like a senior management role. I replaced a colonel who was 65 years old. And I was running this program relating to NATO and pulling out of Afghanistan in 2011. And I'll never forget realizing in that moment, like, oh my God, life, when you really put your energy into something and when you're crystal clear what it looks like, everything is available to you. And that's what happened to me. So, you know, seven weeks from that moment, I was sitting in LA with no idea how I would ever get out of this job, you know, and then fast forward seven, eight weeks later, I'm sitting in the Pentagon.

Wow.

With a completely different life. And that sent me on a path into coaching. And from there I started helping friends, letting them know how to land a job. I started inviting them to Starbucks. Too many people showed up. They started bringing friends of friends. People said, you should be a career coach. And I was like, I don't know what that is. You know, that sounds ridiculous. And I'm like 24 years old, 25. And then eventually, obviously, I left my job at the Pentagon and became a career coach. Hired a coach, learned everything there was, started a private practice, filled it, and taught people how to land job offers, how to figure out what they want to do in the workforce, and eventually how to start their business became another focus. And then I got into E course land. And now I know you, Lori. And there we go.

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Oh my God. How did, how did that all click? Okay, so I want to talk about clarity today and I think the thing that I'm seeing consistently is just you landing in one spot going, hmm, I'm kind of good at this. But this doesn't feel awesome yet, but I'm going to take this route and. Oh, weird. I'm kind of good at this, but I'm not really quite sure. But I'm going to continue to take this route because I think so many people get stuck, you know what I mean? Caught up in the thing that they are either good at or the thing that they think they should be doing. So what kept you following all of those nudges? Even though it was just some people saying, oh, you're good at that, and then. And you kind of leaped at it and took the next step, you know.

I think I love this question because what I'm really hearing is like, what is the mindset for somebody to explore their interests versus stuck, you know? And it's like, for me, I don't know why I was raised this way or why my mindset is this way, but I've always looked at life as if it's an experiment. And I think far too often people see different decisions as full marriages and commitments in their life when I just see it as an experiment. So to me, I look at a table and see all my interests written down on it. And I think to myself, okay, I'm gonna go explore each one. And so some people misunderstand me because they look at me and think, oh, that girl must be scattered. But it's like, no, I'm just not afraid to explore my interests, make a decision about them and move on with or without them.

Oh my God, I love that so much because I have been known to pivot in my life and my career and just even what I'm enjoying at the time. And I look back and I think that it was more. I think, I think it was more rewarded to kind of get on the path of something and stay on it. Well, of course we know that it was rewarded to just like stay in this long term career and like put your time in, go up the ladder or whatever that looks like. And even if the, even if that's just relationships, like people really look at relationships as, you know, having to keep these same relationships in your whole life. And I think that that can be the source of so, so much pain. So how freeing is that to look at life like an experiment? That's beautiful.

Totally. And I think just giving yourself permission because I think when people think about businesses or jobs, should I take this job? Shouldn't I take this job? Like, it doesn't really matter, just do something. Because the most powerless place you can be is in limbo. And if you want to be a powerful person. To me, that means sit, make a decision eventually. Like, give yourself a timeline, show up, get committed, and see what feedback the universe gives you so that you can course correct along the way.

Oh, my God, that's so beautiful. The most powerful, powerless place you can be is in limbo. Because truly, I believe action creates clarity. Just like messy, frickin ridiculous action. Even if it's like, I don't know, balloon animal making, it's still doing something, which could be business for you later.

Yeah, and that's what's so funny about people's interest, is like, a lot of the times, you know, they feel weird. Like, you and I both like spoken word, Lori. It's like. And I just thought it was so courageous that you posted that on the podcast and it was inspiring me to think about doing the same that time we were texting about it. But it's like, you know, there's room on top and if you have some weird interest, like, I'll never forget I was in a mastermind group and this woman made like a million dollars a year off in revenue who, you know, never know anymore what people are actually taking home with profits. And I'm careful to look at that. But she was telling me that she makes a million dollars in revenue a year off of her website that sells Scottish terrier figurines. Like, weird little dog figurines. And I just thought, damn, like, you know, to each his own. There's room on top everywhere. No matter how weird or bizarre your interest might seem to you, and you deserve that life experience of knowing how it lands for you. And that just means being experimental about it and exploring.

Oh, okay. So before we pivot, I mean, I. Anything can be a business. Literally. It's so crazy. I've started knitting. Yes, I've started knitting, but so many people just with me posting them are like, let me buy one, let me buy one. And I was like, see, if people would just explore what they want to do, they could actually be like, weird. I thought this was for me, but now I'm making money, which I don't have any interest in starting a business in that right now. But it didn't disclaimer not going to be a knitter, not going to be making blankets for money.

But.

But it just really made me think about that. Like, don't ever question what you want to do, because there could be something really huge on the other side. So, okay, so going back to, I think even being able to feel like you can explore those curiosities so this is like, really in the very beginning and going back to that question of how do you feel kind of safe to share who you are or to start exploring your curiosities without feeling, you know, ridiculous.

Well, I would say a lot of the times people don't feel a sense of safety with themselves because they have some sort of experience in their life. Whether. Because I know most of our beliefs about the world are set by age 7 to 12, right? And then after that, as you know, it's trauma. And I think a lot of people have this belief that trauma is some sort of big event. But a lot of times it can be very small, nuanced and light. And so I think that. That these little traumas that actually are on replay in our subconscious play such a role in the feeling of safety we do or don't have in the world. And so I think the first thing is to figure out what comes up for you when you think about exploring something. So, you know, maybe you have an interest in knitting like, you do. And the question that I would ask somebody is to fill in the blank, like, if I explore knitting, the worst thing that could happen would be, you know, and what is it? What's the worst that can happen? What are you scared of? I'm scared that if I explore knitting, I'm scared that if I start that business, I'm scared that if I pursue DJ lessons or dance classes, that people will think, what? A lot of the times it's, I'm scared of, like, I can't make money, so it's fears about me, or, you know, the person listening, their fears about themselves, or it's fears about what other people will think. So I think the first thing, like everyone would, you know, personal development say, is just the awareness to get clear on, like, what is it that you're actually afraid of? Because a lot of people don't take that moment to think, well, shit, you know, maybe that's not that scary anyway, because more often than not, when we look at the worst thing that can happen, like, okay, people are going to criticize you. Okay, so you're afraid of people thinking you're an idiot. Then what? What's the worst thing that can happen? That they make a mockery of you. You don't make any money, you go back into the workforce, like, what's the worst? And more often than not, when people are able to really get that awareness, they're able to either realize that what they're afraid of isn't that big of a deal, it's not that scary. Or they're invited into real transformation, which I think is writing it down and forgiving themselves for the limiting beliefs that they hold, which I have a whole process for doing with people that I've helped with their confidence many times.

Is there anything that you can offer for people that's maybe not, you know, as in depth as you normally go, but something that could help them release a little bit more? Because I will tell you, that's like, the number one thing I hear is just the fear around judgment, criticism, all of the stories that we have.

Yeah, definitely. I can take them through a process now. So I would say think about an area right now. Just step number one, where you feel afraid, you feel nervous, you feel resistance. And step two would be to fill in the blank. Like, I don't want to do this because. Or if I do this work, the worst thing that could happen is. Or I'm afraid that people will think I'm like, fill in the blank for any of those. And then from there, I would say, check in with your body. Like, how does that make you feel? And, you know, a lot of people will hold that thought in their throat. They feel like a constriction in their stomach, they feel a pit in their stomach, whatever it is. And I would say after that, the next step would be to go into a memory of when is the first time you remember feeling that? When is the first time in your life that you remember feeling that feeling that that thought was giving you, and really ground yourself in that memory. So ask yourself, you know, what was happening in that memory in that moment. You know, really ground yourself if you could remember what you were wearing, where you were standing, what it smelled like, what it felt like. And then I think from there, asking yourself, whatever that moment was that triggered that tense feeling in your body or whatever it is, what was going on mentally for you. And that's when you want to grab a pen and write down the judgments you had about you or the person in your memory. So, for example, maybe right now I feel like I have a belief, like, I can't launch my business because I'm not going to be able to make money. And I feel that feeling just in the pit of my stomach. So if I ground myself into that feeling, it's like, when's the first time I felt this pit in my stomach? And I go back in time and I remember maybe, you know, in 10th grade or something, somebody told me that I can't. They don't want to be my partner in a project. Because I'm a bad partner in class. And maybe I ground myself into that memory and I remember that moment and I remember my mental thoughts, what was going on. On a mental level, the thoughts were, you know, I'm an and they're better than me and I'm going to make an idiot of myself in front of people or it's not a good idea for me to put myself out there, whatever the thoughts were. So I would say, you know, write down all of those in that memory. The judgments on you, the judgments on the person, the judgments on the world. The world is a scary place. Like, what did you think about the world because of this memory? And then I think the final step is to forgive yourself. And my favorite words to use when it comes to forgiving yourself is I forgive myself for buying into the belief that.

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So I forgive myself for buying into the belief that the world is a scary place. And then the final step is to update it with the truth. The truth is, and it's you don't want to just do the opposite. The truth is because the world is a friendly place. No, you want to check in with what really feels like a true reframe to you. So the truth is, I have a lot of people in my life that support me, and I have an amazing support system to take risks. You know, the truth is, I'm loved no matter what I do. I have a good network around Me. Or the truth is, I'm enough. Like, whatever feels true for you. I recommend doing this whenever you feel like a trigger in your life, whenever you have a conversation and it sets your body off kilter. Feel that feeling in your body, trace it back to a memory. Write down the beliefs you had in that memory, and forgive yourself.

Oh, that's really beautiful. I think that we can do that through any phase of our life. Cause I was sitting here going through it with you. I think within that exercise, what came up for me also is like, oh, there's also room for improvement. The truth is, I could use a little more improvement around my support system. And I could focus there for a little while. It kind of brings clarity around maybe where you want more safety or more support.

Yeah, I mean, I would. That's really interesting, Lori. I've never thought about, like, that. I would say the first thing is you want to ground yourself in reality first, and you don't want to take yourself somewhere else. So what's true right now? So that you're enough here. Because you are. But then I say. I would say this is an amazing next step is to say, and like, I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I'm not enough. The truth is, I'm worthy. And I would love to. You know, I would love to explore deepening my network. I would love to explore going to therapy or hiring coach to work through this. Like, I think that's an. And, you know, that's good.

I'm writing.

Yeah, you're good.

No, that was me going to the what's true but kind of not true right now.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Because then you're. Then you're continuing to make your upgrades. Areas that you're not enough.

Right, right, right, exactly. I went into the not enough loop, but I do love that and so much because I'm looking for different exercises in the new year. Just because, man, awareness is everything, isn't it? And there's always spots. Because in my life right now, I'm really. I want more lenses of people who are willing to help share. Maybe some blind spots when I'm going into new areas. So I think that this is such a great conversation for people also around clarity. Because there's so. There's so much. Ashley, there's so much. So what are some of your steps now that we're kind of like, okay, these are the stories that we're dealing with. You know, if this is something that I want to do, then I'm going to start here. And this is what I'm going to go for. And maybe I do need a little more. This is what's true now, but maybe I do need a little more support here, here. And once those steps are done, what do you think is next good thing to do as far as getting super crystal clear in your life about what you want?

There have so been so many women who have come into my private practice in their careers, whether they're lawyers, doctors, entrepreneurs, admin assistants, you name it. And they come to me and say, I need Clari. And whenever I hear that, all I'm really hearing is I'm not connected to myself. I don't know what my likes are, I don't know what my skills are, I don't know what my true passions and gifts are. And so to me, I think a good first step is twofold. Number one is to turn inward, and number two is to turn outward. So I think inward is to maybe start doing a joy journal, meaning that every single day for 30 days, notice what lights you up. And it could just be like a one liner that you write in your iPhone on a notepad app, you know, just saying the moment that lit me up today was. And it could be anything from professional to personal to you standing in line at Starbucks and having a nice conversation with somebody. But for 30 days, if every day you just write down a quick sentence of what was the moment of the day that really lit you up, you're going to start to see a pattern by the end of the 30 days. So I think that's turning inward as far as turning outward to get clarity. One thing that I've told clients all the time in my private practice is, you know what, why don't you go out into the world, pick three friends, pick three colleagues and people that you feel connected to and comfortable with and ask them, when have you seen me at my absolute best? One of the things that I found to be really mind blowing is that when people ask their family this, so you can ask your friends, your colleagues, and even your family, people don't even know what they're going to hear. They don't know what their parents are going to say about them being at their best, what their siblings think. And, and it's been such a powerful exercise for me. And yes, a lot of people might get stuck and say, okay, they said that this is where I'm at my best, but how do I turn this into a business or a career path? And that's where I've been able to facilitate. But at the same time, Sometimes you'll just get enough of an answer where you actually are able to take what they say and translate that. And so I think the feedback is so powerful to think, okay, where have they seen me at my best? And then the next question is, when? What skill set was I using to be that person? What does that mean about my skill set?

What is that for you? So what was it where you're at your best or where people gave you feedback? And what skill set were you using?

I would say, more often than not, a foundational skill set that I have is all about communication. So everybody has a different foundational skill set. Maybe yours is communication, maybe yours is teaching research. There's a whole variety of it. And it's actually something that I go through in a free course that I do on clarity. And it's something that I really try to ground people in, is like, and you know what your foundational skill set is based on. If you were given the weirdest job in the world that was completely out of your realm, what skill would you use in yourself, no matter what the job was? So if you put in an engineering job, which I have no skills in, I would still turn it into a communication opportunity because I communicator. So I think it's like, really getting clear on who you are, no matter what.

Okay, so from that point, like, maybe someone just answered communicator as well, or maybe someone answered that they're, you know, super humorous and they're always able to pull through with different, you know, making people laugh or whatever that looks like. From that point, are they like, oh, I need to create something off of this? Or would you recommend, like, exploring deeper and then just being able to use that skill set often? Or what happens now that people are like, wait a minute, I'm not really in what I believe my skill skill set is.

Yeah, I would say your skill set is the motor that drives your car, but, like, the destination you're going to really depends on your core values. And so one of the biggest topics that I'm concerned with when I've helped somebody with this is figuring out, like, what are their top five core values? And one of the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to figuring out their core values is, is they are aspirational about that. And what I mean is, they might. Like, I have a free guide on how to figure out your core values, for example, and when people use it, they. They. They get aspirational, and they pick words that resonate with who they wish they were, not with who they actually are.

I. I could see myself doing that.

Yep, me too. Me and you both.

I'm like, doesn't this look great?

Yeah. I picked the word peaceful, and I'm like, yeah, that's aspirational. A little insane. Like, not. So I would say when you look at it and I don't know, you can edit this out, Lori, if this isn't something I can do, but the guide is over@uturnpodcast.com no.

Yeah, do it up, girl.

Okay, cool. So, uturnpodcast.comCorevalues It's y o u t u r n podcast.comCorevalues so I have the Core values guide over there, and all you need to do is really take a look at the list, circle the ones that resonate for you. So it could be words like authenticity, genuine, family, peace, humor. These are all different words. Achievement, mastery, honesty, beauty. These are all different core values. And what you want to do is eventually find the words that are who you are, where without that word, you're not you anymore. And that's the magic. That's the real magic sauce, is figuring out, like, if you take humor away, I'm not here. And even though I'm not that humorous here with you, Lori, because I'm like, oh, my God, Claire, that's serious fucking business. I'm gonna get down to it.

Trust me, guys. She's humorous, but, you know, it's like.

I have found that those words are, for example, authenticity. Like, if you take that away, I'm not me. Like, I try to keep it real. I don't try to. I just am, you know, and. And it's so important to me to be that way. I feel super disconnected if I'm not being real, and I don't want to be in the room full of people. And there have been times where I feel like I'm in a room where it's harder for me to be real just because I can't connect. And if that's the case, I get really quiet because I'm like, I'd rather not say anything than be not me.

Okay. That's actually a really huge thing. And not to get too off topic, but I think some people can, you know, maybe they circle the word authentic and they're like, yeah, but I have trouble being authentic at a lot of places I go. But sometimes I found in the beginning of my journey, I was at a lot of places that didn't support, you know, the people in it or around didn't support that part of you that is actually much easier to come out when you're around other authentic people. So sometimes does this start to reflect back to people like, do you know what I'm saying? It could be a core value, but maybe their life. Their life doesn't quite yet reflect those values. This is actually like a twofold kind of thing.

So it's like the moment that people realize, like, maybe they're not in alignment, right?

Like, maybe their life is not in alignment with their actual core values, that they really are circling in who they are.

Yeah, well, because. And that makes sense if you're feeling disconnected, because at the end of the day, I really believe that your core values are the key ingredients to your career. And more often than not, when people feel off in their career, we look at those core values in that guide and we figure out that, oh, wow, like, you're missing a huge core value. So, for example, maybe you value security, and that shows up in a lot of ways. That could mean that you have, like, alarm systems on your house. That could also mean that you want to make a lot of money. But maybe you also value freedom equally. Like, maybe that's also in your top five. And if you buy too far into your security core value and you become a workaholic, where you're off all the time, beholden to desk and employees, and then you're not honoring your freedom core value, where you have flexibility or space in your schedule, that's still going to create a disconnect. And I think a lot of people have some level of, like, really meeting one core value but totally ditching another. And so that's why I say, just coming up with your top five. And this question that you're asking of what do you do when there's a huge gap? That is what's driving my work right now in the book that I'm writing, which is going to be called U Turn. Y O U T U R N T U words. And that's what's also driving me in my podcast, the U Turn Podcast. It's all about this critical moment of transformation where we really get radically honest with ourselves and we realize something isn't working for us. And instead of turning outward and trying to fix it, more often than not, I think the answer is not what can I add into my life to fix something, but what can I remove from my life to simplify it and create error for myself? So more often than not, when people are feeling disconnected, the answer is not in adding things on, but actually just removing something and creating some space for them to get connected to themselves. So I would say that's a U turn moment where you need to maybe, you know, get down, get out a piece of paper and write down what is true, what is true for you? What do you know that you wish you didn't know? And a lot of people are in denial. They keep their head in the sand. Because here's the deal. I mean, the truth is painful. And there's two energies that I find most people are in. Either they're in anxiety or they're in the truth. And when you're in anxiety, you're just not listening to the truth. I don't think that those two things coexist. So a lot of times anxiety just is a result of pushing down the truth. And when you finally take a look at it and say, this isn't working for me, it might be painful, but you're not anxious. Your body is usually still and just maybe facing the pain of it. But when you're really willing to look at that, be it in a relationship that you're disconnected in, be it in a that's not working for you, you can then take a look at it and say, okay, what's not working for me is this. Maybe it's that you're not making enough money or that you don't find X, Y or Z fun about your career. You could also then take a look at it and say, here's what is working for me. And I think in being radically honest with yourself about what's working and what's not, is the first step in being able to say, well, what would it look like if I made my career more focused on. On these things that were working for me? And what do I want to add into it? What else do I love doing? So I'd say that's a start.

Oh, man. You're like, literally nailing exactly where I'm at from this last year to this year, like, tail end of this year after I completed my book and all of the stuff that goes with it, which is vital to be kind of in that, like, you're getting it out into the world, which can also carry a lot of anxiety. But, like, I am all about taking stuff away right now to get clear on what's next. Because I went through this phase of thinking that I need to add things in, and maybe it's this and maybe it's that and maybe it's this and maybe it's that. And I'm like, how about for once in your freaking life, you don't Jump, like, to another project, and you just clear all the shit out. And I can't even tell you, like, how space is making my, like, anxiety is disappearing for the first time in my life. Like, it's just not beautiful. Like, I thought it was, like, a normal way for me to run, and it was almost like it wasn't all the time, but it was like I knew how to deal with it. I'm like, oh, it's just who I am. Like, I literally started and I do so much work, but I literally heard this voice in the back of my head, like, it's fine. It's who you are. I'm like, no, it's actually not. Like, this is the first time that I've gotten to this place of, like, days and days and days where I'm just like, ah, let's go feed the fish in the backyard. Like, what?

What? That's amazing.

But it's from taking it away.

What's that?

The anxiety you're talking about was running the show. Because we all have different aspects of us that drive our decisions, right? So if you're saying, oh, I don't like this stuff and I need to figure it out, I need to figure it out, and jumping around other projects, that's still the anxiety. And at the end of the day, it's almost like we're all cars, right? And we have different gas we put in our cars. One gas is going to be inspiration, and one type of petroleum is going to be fear. And maybe the car driving on those different gases gets to the same destination. One's just a lot more fun.

Totally. Oh, my gosh. And that's exactly. Just so you guys can actually know, like, this what she's talking about. Truly. Truly. It's. It's so. It's pretty magical, to be quite honest, because at first you feel yourself almost like. It's almost like how you said without, you know, without humor. Ashley's not there. Like, I really felt like for a while, without that feeling. Feeling of going to the next thing, or without that feeling of a bit of, you know, anxiety, but not the. You start to even, like, name your anxiety. Something better than anxiety. Like, oh, I'm just like, more, you know, I can't sit still. I'm more like hyperactive. Like, without that, I was like, who am I going to be? I'm not going to be able to get the work done. I'm not going to be as driven. I'm not going to be able to find the next thing. Like, I found myself grasping for straws when I was trying to let that go.

Go. And that's the thing is that a lot of the times we have an experience in life where it creates this sense of groundlessness. And one of the things that I don't buy into is a lot of people are like, what's my five year plan? And I'm like, if you want to be on the same path in five years, you're not growing enough. There needs to be something changing. So instead, let's figure out what skill set you want to be honing. Because how you're going to experience it is, you know what is going to change in your career path, but the skill set is going to stay the same. And once you master and hone and invest in whatever gift you have, that is your best skill set. You can pivot on it and around it and have so much fun with it. So I would say this sense of groundlessness often happens when, like you said, like, you're in this place where your ego is just holding on to having a plan, holding on to different projects because it doesn't want to let go and sit in the stillness that feels so groundless. And instead of making busyness, which is a culturally acceptable insanity, I think creating a level of busyness we all do for ourselves, but actually just ground yourself into this feeling of like, I don't know what the plan is. And when I got a master's in spiritual psychology, they called it the divine unknown. So if you're willing to sit in the divine unknown, to sit in the groundlessness, what's really true is you're actually in more of a reality than everybody else is. Because most people hold on to plans without realizing, like plans real, they're just an idea that you have. But life is, you know, that whole quote, like, life is what happens when you're making plans. And really groundlessness is a lot closer to what we all really are all of the time.

Man, this is like just so nurturing right now. When you are feeling a bit like it's beautiful, but at the same time it's really easy. Especially when you hang out with a lot of really motivated people, which it's nothing on them. It's perfect. I would never change it. But it's easy to buy back into you your old story. Sometimes when it's. Everything feels like it's moving so quickly. When you just need that space like it is, it is. It takes some fierce boundaries and no muscles to create space for yourself. So what do you recommend for people who are like oh, Ashley. I just. I don't even know where I'm going to get space from. Like, this might be nice. It sounds all great that they can take space, but I don't, you know, I'm not able to do that. I have kids, I have two jobs, I have. Whatever it is.

Yeah, I would say, you know, I totally get people feeling like my life has all of these obligations. How do I create space? So I would say the first thing is to really get down to the root of what is absolutely necessary, because far too often we're buying into the belief that we're obligated to things that we're not. So I would say sweep the decks, like, get really clear what are your obligations, and then figure out what can be delegated off at a low cost to you. A lot of the times we can delegate certain things, like even if it's as small as cleaning our house and people get into money stories like, oh, I don't know if I want to spend 100 bucks a week or every other week for a housekeeper, but it's like, if that's your free time every weekend to like nourish your soul and you're spending your whole day running around the house cleaning maybe that hundred bucks, you know, paying that housekeeper, you can put that out and use it to go take a jog and like, be with friends and nourish yourself. So I think people are buying into way too many obligations that don't exist. And that's the thing also about mediocrity is that when we're buying into too many obligations, we're so committed. We're actually not committed to anything because we're half ass committed to so much stuff. And I find that in my friendships. And it's been really challenging for me, Lori, because I have probably a few girlfriends who are so nourishing to me and so important for my soul. And then I have a lot of other ones that I have a lot of fun with. But right now, my plate, writing my U Turn book, hosting the U Turn podcast, you know, coaching my clients on clarity, job hunting, business launching, it's like my business is a pretty full plate and I enjoy it and I love it. I also own a ghost writing company called Cake Publishing. It's like, I am full time in work right now and having to take a look right now at this question of, like, what is actually an obligation? And Cake Publishing would be a great example. We have publicists, ghostwriters, copywriters helping entrepreneurs and celebrities. And what I found was that There were too many clients in that business that I didn't enjoy. There was a handful that I absolutely loved and we were ghostwriting their newsletter, their blogs, all these things. And they were easy breezy. But the ones that I didn't love when it came to renew them, instead of a lot of business owners who have a growth mindset, because that's what's so slippery is what you're talking about with our friends is we all have this growth mindset and sometimes that turns into this belief of more, more, more. And it's like, well, what if the growth mindset is less? You know, like, oh, I'm happy making half a million dollars a year in this business or 100k a year in this business. And I don't have to grow it because at this rate, it's serving me. But once I have to do this, this and the other thing which is required to get to the next level, I don't know if I'm gonna have as much, much fun.

Oh my God. That's. This is like, yes. I think this is so important for people to hear. Or maybe it's just so important for me to hear.

Yeah, well, it's. I'm like talking to myself too. But, you know, with Kate Publishing, it was like we had maybe 20 clients on retainers and I was able to take a look at our roster and check the names that I was like, you know what? That's $200,000 a year of revenue for this company. And those clients are a bummer to me. So when it was time to renew and they were like, like, you know, Ashley, you know, can we continue and resign this contract with your publicist or with your copywriter? I was like, you know what? Actually we can't. We're full. And I really meant it. And I just lowered our roster and lowered the income that we were making through the company. And, you know, we kept some things that I do, like writing webinar scripts for people. But we got really selective and I stopped looking at that business like, I need to grow cake publishing into a million dollar company. And I started to look at it and think, I'm really happy if this company makes X amount per year without me having to bust my back. And that's what it's been.

Oh my God. So that's exactly what I'm doing this year with one of my basically like one of my membership programs. And it was. I didn't realize the bandwidth and mental and soul that it was just like taking out of my life, growing it when it's sustainable at a level in which is like still a great thing. But. But I think that sometimes changing the expectation and also seeing like where. Because at first I thought I had to get rid of it, you know what I mean? The first thing that I wanted to do when I was creating this room and clarity was like, get rid of it, get it all out of here. And then I was like, wait a minute, let's re evaluate. So if there are things in people's lives like that that are like what's a good place to start saying maybe don't. Let's look at what needs to be cleared and what needs to just be reevaluated.

Exactly, exactly.

Okay, so what, what else is going on in your life as far as clarity for you right now?

Yeah, I mean honestly I would say that I am right now feeling so much so like I'm in the divine unknown and I'm asking the bigger questions which I think happens for a lot of like our friends has been happening. And I think that's because. Because there's certain modes, I think as entrepreneurs, like the first mode is like creation. When you think of an idea and you're spending a certain amount of years maybe investing in the creation of something and then once it's working, you get into the maintenance of it and how to sustain it and then you kind of get into self actualization where it's like, okay, do I even want to be doing this? Or maybe you've changed so much in the journey that it doesn't even fit you anymore. And so in my case, I think I'm always going to enjoy helping entrepreneurs launch their business. Doing the one on one coaching, it fills me. But I would say that I'm in a place right now where the only thing I know that I would be doing if money didn't matter, if nothing else mattered in life, I would be writing my U turn book. Like I'm so passionate about sharing my experiences in counterterrorism and all of the different U turns that I've made in my life that could serve other people because a lot of the U turns are in my belief beliefs, you know, and changing my inner reality, I've changed my outer reality. But I'm definitely right now asking these bigger questions of like who am I and what really matters to me?

What's coming up for you around those?

Yeah, I would say I identify the most going back to being a communicator. And I think what's coming for me next is really investing in this book. And. And I think in our friendship circle, everybody's written a book. Including you, including me, having my book deal now, it's like we all. It's been really normalized. And when I was in the process of selling my proposal, sitting at Penguin Random House, sitting at Hachette and having all these meetings and realizing they were saying, we only buy 50 books a year, and I was like, wow, there's so many writers out in the world. I'm so grateful that I get to be somebody that writes and gets paid to write a book. And it really got me thinking about how important it is to keep writing and take a look at that skill set for me. So kind of going back to everybody else, like, what is that one foundational skill set? And really turning into how. What are the different ways? Because the skill set you have that you love, that you nurture, that you're gifted in, it's like a positive pie. And it's like a pie with many different slices. So asking yourself, what are the multiple ways that I can engage in using this skill set? What are the different slices of this pie? So if I'm a communicator, there's a public speaking slice of the pie, there's a book slice of the pie. I could be a blogger, I could be an Instagram influencer. Like, what do I want my pie to look like? Do I want to be an editor at a newspaper? Like. Like, how do I want to express communication?

Okay, I love that. So how do you express your skill? And then from there, once you have this beautiful, like, you know, this a bit of a map drawn out on what you can do, there's this point of action, so then there's that whole thing. So how do you get from somebody who now has worked out their stories, and now it's time to just start taking action. Like, and. And I know that this is kind of where there's typically either a gap for people because they don't know how much action should be taken, or what does that look like? Or what is it supposed to feel like at first?

Yeah, well, you know, I love what you're saying, because clarity really does come from engagement. It doesn't come from thought. And a lot of people think that they can think their way into clarity. I would say one way to engage is. And there's a lot of ways you could read a book, you could listen to this podcast. And that's why I created U Turn Podcast. I thought, what a great way for me to help people figure out who they are in their work and love life and in their career and also provide a space for engagement. So engagement could be listening to podcasts, reading books, talking to people, or even taking a new job or even starting that new business. But being in motion allows you to kind of calibrate with the universe and take whatever messages you're getting from it and implement it. So that kind of experimental mindset we started talking about earlier in this conversation, but one question I love to ask people is who professionally inspires you? That's using that skill that you think you want to use. So start writing down names and it could be anybody from, you know, baby Jesus to Oprah to your mom, like whoever you want and, you know, getting clear on who in your community. Get on LinkedIn, start to look at other people who are using these skills. Use the Advanced search on LinkedIn, type in the keywords like writer, editor, or whatever skill, words that relate to your skill, and start looking at profiles of people who are out there and maybe reach out to them and ask if they're available for a cup of coffee. Let them know that you find what they're up to to be really inspiring and interesting. And you're wanting to ask some questions to figure out your own career path if they're not, if they don't mind connecting and you're happy to come to them at their convenience. It's like sending notes like that, having conversations with people. You can't not learn who you are through those sorts of conversations.

It's been one of the most powerful things. Number one, I'm just going to go back to the life is an experiment thing, because that's probably like the best possible mindset I've ever heard in my entire life. Because truly there's nothing, there's like nothing hinging on it when it's that. And if you look at everything as an experiment, you need to be experimenting all the time to know what works for you. And that's the whole action thing is like, I think some people can get really caught up in even going to the coffee or looking for the mentors. Like, they get caught up in the research and the work where sometimes it's like, all right, you don't need another coffee with someone, or you don't need another, you know, coaching session. You just frickin need to like try it on now. Like, now she's given, like, Ashley's given you every single step. Now you just need to like, push yourself into the thing. But I've had people recently, like, even when I've told Them what to do. They're like, but then what? I'm like, you don't need to know after that. So can you talk more about that? Like the first step, like, of something, what the first step feels like? When is the next time you should take action after that? Like, how should should your weeks look?

Yeah, this reminds me a lot of coaching, like new coaches, for example, on how to monetize their business. I always tell them like, okay, how many hours a week are you going to invest in launching your business? Because maybe they're in the workforce and they're transitioning out. And maybe they'll say, I'm going to do 10 hours a week on my business. And then I'm like, okay, great. So that means five hours are creation and five hours are consumption. And so maybe I'll call the creation hours red and consumption hours blue. And I'll be like, okay, so half your hours are red, half your hours are blue. Let me know what you're doing with your red hours. Like, what are you creating because of our conversation about your marketing, your ideal client or your plan or your paid traffic strategy or your webinar, like, what are you creating and what are you going to be consuming with your consumption time that way? Like holding them to the 5050 has been really powerful in making sure that they are also in creation. So that's been one strong.

Oh man, I love that because you have a pretty good idea of what is possible right now, but then just really looking at what is implementation, what is like, okay, you're allowed to research during this time, but after that it's, you're done. Like, then you have to actually put things into action. So what's something that people should be asking or should be doing that we haven't covered yet?

I would say one thing that people should be asking is, is how to like something around confidence, I would say, or how to make the most of their career right now. Like, let's say people who are listening right now, who are in the workforce. A great question. And I did an episode on UTURN podcast with this guy named Dan Cable and the episode was called how to Feel More Alive at Work.

That's good.

And it was an awesome episode because he talked about like, hey, figure out who you actually are and if your job doesn't really matter, that come up with some ideas. And here's how to talk to your boss about bringing in those ideas. Because research shows that when you do something that you really love, even if it's in a career that you don't actually like it somehow leaks into everywhere and you become more effective across the board.

Yes.

So I would say if you're in the muck and you feel like your career is a shit storm or you don't like what you're up to, can you figure out like one thing that really would light you up? A project in your career right now that would light you up and how can you create the space or talk to your boss or how can you create the space if you are your own boss in your, your business to go and pursue that project? Because when you're lit up in one small area, Even if it's 10% of your time, it's going to radically shift, according to research. And I found this to be true with my own experience, how you're showing up everywhere else.

Oh my God, I love that so much because I'm literally seeing so many people do this right now. Like they're creating their own, like non existent position at an already existing, you know, location or an already existing job that didn't previously exist. Because they come at it with such passion that it's like they just created what they wish they exist what they wish existed. So it's like this can happen anywhere at any given time. So you can stay at your job or you can take that skill set and move it into something that you love after practicing there. Like, it's absolutely brilliant. That's like one of my favorite pieces of advice ever. So for you, I'm just going to finish up on. I want to know like exactly where you're at right now with how you're feeling about just what's about to come in the next year and creativity and all of the things that are lighting you up right now. What's like the most besides. Besides your book maybe? Who is it, who you're going to become when you're writing the book? What's making you like most nervous right now and then most excited?

Yeah, I would say my podcast, the U Turn podcast has been like such a gift because I feel like. And I'm sure you find this, Lori. It's like every time I bring a guest on and people are giving me feedback like, wow, that was so helpful. And I'm like, yeah, I guess it's because I'm just like you. I'm asking the questions you're wondering because I'm like, no different than you.

Yeah, that's me right now on this podcast. I'm like, wait, there's people listening. Because I feel like, like I got to book A session with you, Kate. Awesome.

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. Like, I feel like my U Turn podcast should just be called, like, Ashley Stahl's Free coaching Hour. It's just like, every week I'm like, all right, this is me trying to clean up my shitstorm and some expert coming on and giving me good insights. And so I'm really passionate about that. I'm really excited that a lot of people are getting value out of it. It's been growing about, like, 15 to 20% a month, which means a lot to me because. Because it's the first thing I have ever done without any agenda. Like, no monetary agenda. Like, I just wanted this for my own nourishment and wanted to share. And it's been such a good mirror for me to see what happens when you follow what feels good. And that's another piece of advice I have for anybody listening, is if you follow what feels good, your purpose is on the periphery of that. And I. This is something I've discovered on my own own. And if you look at it like, what felt good for me in college was to study government. Was it the right path? Not, like, right for long, but what it did give me was an opportunity to learn how to job hunt, because I needed to get that job in government. And that journey that I went on, cold calling those 2,000 people, that's what felt right. Like, it just felt good to move to D.C. to get a new job. And on the periphery of that, I learned how to be an incredible job seeker. And on the periphery of that, I learned how to start a coaching business, which led to an E course, which led to my book deal, which led to my podcast. It's just, if you continue to just listen to your body, it knows everything. And it doesn't mean that you're on your final destination. It means that you're calibrating in the right direction, you know?

Amen. That's exactly. I mean, it's exactly how all the dots were connected for me, too. Just, I went for this podcast because it felt really good, and it was what we, you know, what you just talked about. Like, I really wanted something to nourish me and to connect with people I wouldn't normally be able to connect, connect with and learn and also share those conversations. And from that, the book deal. And I just. I hope that people hear that this is how it's. It's literally not even planned. It's like you're just following those curiosities and what. What feels good. So thank you so much for sharing that. Where can we. So many people are going to want to, number one, go do all of these different quizzes on how to figure out your core values and clarity and things like that. So I'll make sure that that's all in the show notes, you guys. But if you want to follow. Ashley, Ashley, where can we find you?

Yeah, I would say I love the Gram. I just started getting more active on Instagram and created my first highlight today called Inspo about listening.

I'm so proud of you.

I know everybody's like you and all our girlfriends are so ahead of me, but I just dipped into that. So you can hit me up on the Gram at ashleystahl. It's a S H L e Y S T a H L. Or you can hit me up on U turn podcast. It's Y O U T U R N towards U turn podcast.

You guys definitely go check her out, because I swear, whenever I'm around you, I not only laugh, but I also get smarter. So.

Girl, that is such a power combo. I'm gonna.

My two favorite things. So I always end on one last question, and that is, if you only had 30 seconds with a stranger, am I like, is this a scary question? Like, what are we gonna do? If you only had 30 seconds and they look over at you and they ask you, how can I make myself happy? What would you say?

I would want to find out what their biggest heartbreak was in life. I'd say, what's your biggest heartbreak? Because you're only as happy as your biggest heartbreak until you've worked with it.

Wow, that's so beautiful. And you guys are going to have to go work with her to figure out how to work through that.

I mean, that's what I do all day. It's just so interesting.

Oh, that's a good one. I have not heard that one. That is amazing. All right, you guys, if you loved this podcast as much as I did, make sure you share it with your friends. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing, and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, Tell us what you think. Tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey. To helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy Thanksgiving, guys. Bye. Bye.