328: Techniques to Bust Through Your Fears and Beliefs with Alyssa Nobriga

The same things that show up with relationships show up with money. Sometimes we've cleared it with one area and then we just need to take a comb to clear it through another area. But as we change it inside of ourselves, it shows up to enhance.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go, foreign. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode. And if you are wanting to come to an event this year or work with Chris or I, who is my amazing husband, he does all of the incredible business masterminds. I also do one of his masterminds with him which is all about fast foundations. You guys go over to for the love of money dot com. Or if you want to attend my event this year, which maybe I'm not even sure at this time that this goes out, it's probably pretty close to being sold out. Or if it's not, but let's just say it's probably not. Let's just go with that. So go to the bliss project.info you guys, I would love to meet you, we'd love to work with you and we'd love to see you because this is truly our passion. So my amazing guest today is Alyssa Nobriga. She is an entrepreneur and leader in the coaching and consciousness industry. She's a licensed marriage and family therapist and works as a professional coach with individuals and corporations. She's obtained her master's degree in clinical psychology specializing in mind body psychotherapy from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. She's currently on faculty at the University of Santa Monica where she holds a second master's degree in spiritual psychology with an emphasis on consciousness, health and healing. You guys, she's a graduate of Byron Katie School for the Work. I love Byron Katie. I love what she's all about. So I love hearing Alyssa talk as well. She's the founder of Mastery for Coaches, a platform which supports entrepreneurs in growing their coaching business. You guys, this woman Works with so many incredible CEOs, senior executives, and facilitates transformational mastermind groups. She's truly dedicated to women's empowerment. And in this conversation with Alyssa, I loved how many tools she gives. Some of the tools I was using, a lot of the tools I was not using. Some of the tools I was already using got improved. I've already used some of the tools that she gave me. You guys, I am all about practical tools and trying it on. So if you're on a run or if you're in your car, you may want to listen to this again when you have some paper near you or when you have an opportunity to actually do the work. So get ready, because you're about to get everything that you need to work through all of your stuff for this new year and get the confidence that you want. Here we go. Alyssa, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I'm so excited to chat with you.

I'm so happy to be here. Thank you, Lori.

So I am thrilled about the topics that we are going to talk about today, just because I think that there's so much coming up around new goals and launching businesses. And I think that what can happen, especially around new year time, is that so many people are maybe even stepping into what they want to do. They're doing the programs that they want to do or they're launching things they want to launch. But oh my God, does this bring up a lot of stuff around self worth?

Yes, absolutely.

The fastest way to figure out what your triggers are or what you need to work on is to either launch something or, like, go after your goals.

Totally, 100%. It's like anytime we step outside our comfort zone to say yes to whatever the calling is, all the stuff that tell this back comes up and that's normal. And it's totally okay if we have the tools to work it.

That is so true. So I would love for people who don't have not gotten to meet you yet for you just to share a little bit about yourself. You know what, we got time. You can go back as far as you want. So we got time to burn.

Let's go back. So I was one of those rare people that just knew what I wanted to do when I was young. I would say Maybe I was 12, and I wanted to live in the woods and be a healer. I also wanted to live in New York City and do marketing and wear heels and do the girly things. So I didn't ever question why I wanted both of those things or how that would actually fit together, which is ironic. And then I ended up. So I ended up becoming a couples therapist. I'm licensed as a somatic psychotherapist. And mainly because of my parents relationship, I saw them not in a happy marriage and I didn't want to recreate that and I wanted to help them. So I think that was my unconscious drive to do transformational work and I really dove deep into that. And then I, after I would say maybe I was up until about 25, the main thing that I was interested was in awakening and knowing the truth of who I am and really battled with my own self worth issues. And it ended up being one of the most beautiful graces of my life. I'm happy to share more with you and your audience about that because I think some of these things that cause a lot of pain in our life, there's medicine within it if we really get to the heart of it.

Oh, I love that.

Yeah. And so I'd never really questioned these two, but when I was at a spiritual psychology program, I worked on faculty there, it kind of came together, was like, oh, I've honored both of these. And somehow it's about bringing spiritual truths in a modern day life. And so yes, when we know our inherent worth and value, we know the truth of our being. How does that show up in our businesses and in our relationships? And I would say self worth is really at the heart of it. And yeah, my story is, I don't think uncommon, but definitely that was the core wound for me throughout my life and what drove me to a deeper gift of actually knowing myself beyond any labels or stories about who I thought I was.

So when you were 25 and you had what you had mentioned as an awakening, what spurred that and exactly what was that for you?

Well, it's interesting at 25 is when I launched my business, I went from up till 25, it was just like, this is what my main goal was, just to know myself. That was all I cared about. I was doing Lori, I was doing like seven silent retreats a year. I was.

Had you always done stuff like that?

It's interesting when I, when I get sent to bed just being a kid, not tired, I would trip out in vastness. I had this deep sense of knowing a deeper reality and feeling like something was fundamentally off and that we were pretty gullible as a society, that we hadn't really questioned what we were taught. And I didn't really realize that until later on. And I'd be in these meditation retreats and feeling this Sense of vastness again. I'm like, oh, I know this experience. And. But when I. After kind of retreating and really focusing on deeper spiritual truths and knowing myself and questioning identity and everything, I wanted to really, like, the pendulum swung the other side. I wanted to know myself and experience life fully. I ended up hiring a coach. My business took off, and I kind of swung the pendulum the other way into having a lot of success and had a lot of coaches ask me, how did you do that? And so I feel like at this point, it's more integrated. But just as a kid, I almost feel like I'm always like Benjamin Button where I did things backwards because my random fact my dad was a shaman or is a shaman. And at 14, I was hanging out with a lot of people who were 70 years old and I was doing ceremony. And now I'm, you know, into business and, like, really supporting people and knowing who they are and creating what they want from a clearer space rather than unconsciously looking for external validation.

So I feel like you. You were raised the way that so many people want to raise their kids now. So coming from somebody who would love to raise, you know, a more conscious child, and I have so many friends who are raising really conscious children, what would you say were the number one, the biggest lessons that came from that and also the different set of problems that can come from being raised in that way?

Well, my dad went into shamanism 20 years ago, so I was about 14. He went and had a really successful career, knew that it wasn't in money and success, and then turned the other way. So I was like, I was one of those kids where they were actually deeply unhappy and not connected when I was younger. And then at 14, they changed. But I was reflecting on this, and I really think that it was my. At least this is my story, but it feels like it was my grandfather who deeply saw me beyond any story of who I am, just really from presence connected with me. And that left a blueprint in me that helped me know there was something more than what we get caught up in in the physical world. And so that feels like one of the most important things is to really deeply see children. But I think we can do that authentically when we know ourselves. So doing our own work to clear any misidentifications or. Or filters that block the experience of our fullness.

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Do you ever feel like being so young there was anything that came up around being almost so self aware that it caused conflict within you?

Yeah, totally. I remember when I was about, this is so random, but so funny. So I remember I was maybe around 9 or 11. I'm that age range where I have two older brothers and one of my brother's friends liked me. And I remember looking in the mirror and kind of tripping out and touching my face and being like, oh, this is who they think I am.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. And not thinking that was weird until later in life. And you know, I remember consciously choosing into sort of the matrix of trying to understand adults because I felt like I didn't belong, I didn't understand things and I felt left out as a result of that. And so I thought something was wrong with me. That was my interpretation. And so I sort of chose in and that's when a lot of problems happened. You know, middle school was super challenging with bullying and looking for my identity in being the rapper, the skater or the cheerleader. None of them really fit. So it forced me to really question everything. Question. And that's some of the grace. It's like some of it. Sometimes pain is. Well, it is intelligent because it's here to help wake us up to who we are underneath all of that.

So when you said you felt left out, I think that's so important for people to hear because I think they're feeling that way now or that they don't feel like they fit in anywhere. And I think there's this transition period of when you are discovering so much of maybe what you're meant for. And I think there's many discoveries in life, don't you? Like you wake up one day and you're kind of like, oh, I feel like I'm becoming another new person. And it's quite frequent. I think if we're doing it right, it might be quite frequent. But there can always be that transition period of not feeling like you fit in and feeling like you're left out. So for those people, what's something that you would share just around that transition period from instead of buying in, like you said, to maybe just more self discovery of where you fit?

Yeah, I think permission is a Big one. Permission to let yourself be authentically yourself. And I think why we don't give ourselves permission is because we feel like we will be ostracized or we'll be. You know, there's an insecurity that comes up. And so something practical and simple that I use is to really embrace the part of me that feels insecure. So, like, for example, if you want to feel more confident or if you want to, it's like, rather than looking outside in the world to try to get something internally, it's about embracing those parts of ourselves. So if there's a part of me that doesn't feel like it fits in, rather than trying to change myself so that it fits, it's like really giving it permission within me for me to embrace it rather than reject it and look for somebody else to give me that validation.

So what would that look like? Or what exactly does that feel like and look like for you? If there's a moment where you're with a group of people or whatever that.

Is, it feels like giving that part of me a voice. So letting it authentically come up in either something, speak it out, write it out, or just somatically feel it. Just let the energy be there. And almost like a mother would to a child, just to breathe love into it, acknowledge it. It's not an identification, it's just an energy. And the personality is always changing, but who we are doesn't change. That's the ground of being. And so the ground of being is our nature is very loving, and it embraces all of it. And that's what I think is the foundation of healing. And so if for me, if I'm feeling insecure, if I'm feeling left out, then it's giving myself permission to let that part feel that way without identifying with it, and then to breathe into it or the energy in the body, it's often then the throat, the heart, or the belly, and to bring love to that part inside of me. And ironically, then life, because life's a mirror, it just starts changing outside. Either I don't need it so much from somebody else, or I don't mind if they don't embrace that part of me or accept that part of me, because I've just done it for myself.

So tell me what happens when. Because the default, I mean, for so many of us, and for me for so many years, was resisting that. Not wanting to feel it, not wanting to look at it, thinking that you could maybe, like, I don't know, coach it out of you or you know, tough love it out of you, because sometimes that can work for a little while.

Yeah, completely. And if it worked, I'd be all for it.

Yeah, exactly. A little while is key, right?

Yeah. Yeah, Right. And really, it's like what I know to be true is that anything I judge, I'm stuck with.

Oh, that's good.

And so anything I accept, I'm freed from. And we can even just try this as we're talking. So if anybody that's listening feels a tension in your body, you can just breathe as we're talking. Just breathe into that tension in your body and just. Just breathe acceptance and openness to it with curiosity, without an agenda. Just breathing in and then breathing out. And then just notice what happens when you just allow it to be here. It begins to move on. It begins to relax. And so it really. It's like when we start to just experiment with these small little bites in our life and test out to see what's actually true, will realize that these things are just simply looking to be allowed. And then they move on. But if we push them away or we judge them, then it's like a backpack. We just add burden and weight to our load. And it only takes 90 seconds to feel an emotion. If you don't keep thinking about it, it only takes 90 seconds before it moves on. And so if you have 90 seconds, you can actually just take these little bites to embrace it, to feel it, to welcome it. And then it passes, and you don't need to carry it with you. So in the long picture, in the big game, it's much more effective because you'll feel lighter, you won't feel so heavy, and you don't feel like life's going to trigger all these things. You feel more equipped to deal with whatever comes your way.

That's beautiful. And I love that you talk about giving it a vocabulary, because I think that when I have people who ask, or when I used to ask as well, like, but how? But how? Because it was like, okay, you're saying these beautiful things, but when it comes up, all I want to do is grab my default response and go to it. Because there's no new language there.

Yeah. I mean, the. So a lot of times people get stuck in thinking about things as a way to subtly avoid feeling it. And actually, if you just drop in again for 90 seconds, it moves on. And these are just. You have to just be willing to experiment and test out for yourself, meaning anybody that's listening, and then you can find what is actually more true. And helpful. And the mental world is different than the emotional world. They talk two different dialects. So if you tell yourself not to feel a certain way, it's not going to work. So if you just drop into feeling and it's like, oh, I have space for this. This is okay for just right now. Can I let this be okay just for right now? Or what is okay in this moment? Underneath the feeling? Is there a sense of okayness that I'm connected to or that I am in a deeper sense? I love this. Four Levels of Consciousness by Michael Beckwith. It's things happen to you, things happen for you, things happen through you. Things happen as you stages of consciousness. So it's like knowing the deeper truth of yourself. It's like that doesn't. Your nature doesn't mind if it's here and if you can connect more consciously with that, it just comes and it goes.

I'm just right in there with you right now. Like, oh yeah, I'm running this. Okay, yeah.

And then it's like from there it's like we're so much more productive and present productive in our businesses and present in our relationships because we're not trying to subtly avoid something, we're just, we're allowing it. And then it's totally okay that it comes up. It's a different relationship with the blocks that come up.

So is there something in your life right now that you are working on accepting or allowing that keeps coming up that like. And how are you, how are you using your tools to move through it?

Oh, I have so many tools, Lori. Yeah, right now I am actually, I'm doing a lot around. I'm actually about to partner with somebody tomorrow to invest in my business. It's a big leap for me and to actually hire somebody that's good at what they do so I can focus on coaching and serving my clients and the creative work, which is what I really love and do a little bit less of digital marketing and all of that world. So that's a big leap for me. And it feels really aligned and exciting. And so when things come up, fears or insecurities, I have two main go to. Well, I've got a few, but the biggest one I love is really just questioning my thoughts. Inquiry. I have a regular practice of inquiring into any stressful beliefs that come up. And actually one thing I'm really proud of last year is that I honored every week I did an hour of inquiry work and I had to have an accountability partner to help me stay with it. And I'M so glad that I did because it's like the busier I am in my business, the deeper my practice needs to be. Otherwise I can get caught up in some unconscious programming of comparison or thinking I should be further ahead. So questioning my thoughts is a big one for like quick practical things. If I get nervous as I'm stretching my comfort zone. I really like tapping. Ironically, I don't know if you know anything about tapping.

Yeah, I do. I used it for a while. I loved it.

Yeah. And really just having a daily spiritual practice of meditation and Even if it's 10 minutes feels really important because then it's almost like a ballast. It's like if the winds of life take my ship and it rocks it. I feel more anchored in a deeper truth than just getting caught up in the day to day. So just a simple meditation practice I'm a big fan of. My meditation teacher's name is Adyashanti. He's beautiful and I love his meditation. So just meditation inquiry, those are my main two. And then tapping is a quick go.

To just because I know people will ask, do you have a reference for tapping that you like?

I don't, I don't actually. I just have learned about it through I don't and I actually don't do it that often. It's more when I feel nervous before I'm going to do something big like give a talk or something like that.

I have one person I know, Jess. I think Jess and Nick Ortner have a good like website that people can go to.

That's great. Yes. And I'm also a big fan for like emotional level. So the mental would be inquiry. I really like questioning my beliefs. I'm a big fan of Byron Katie's work. That's the mental, the emotional. I really just like giving voice to the parts that feel insecure or scared or whatever it may be to fully allow them without identifying with them. It's called Gestalt and it's a really power, powerful psychotherapy practice that I. That I learned when I was getting trained. Forgiveness work is really powerful and somatic work. Just breathing into the sensations in the body. Hakomi I really like. And then just meditation.

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What was the one that you named? It was. Oh, I can't remember. I was going to ask you. Yes. What does she look like? Like if you were in a conversation with yourself.

This is fun. Yeah, so this is fun. So knowing that we're multi dimensional in consciousness Right. People talk about higher self and, you know, you've got different aspects. So I would say I have an aspect. Two main aspects. One, if you've seen Friends, which everybody's seen Friends it's like, I've got Monica, who's type A, great business. And then I've got Phoebe, who's very like, wild child and hippie and plays guitar. And these two parts of me. So if in one area, I'm looking at investing in my business and really going for it. And so Monica, an aspect of me is coming up. It's like, yeah, let's go for it. Maybe another part of me is commitment. Competing with her and saying Phoebe says, but I want to have fun and I want to have spaciousness in my life. And I don't want to work myself too much. Right. So you would give both of those parts a voice too. It's almost like you have them. You put them in separate chairs so Monica could share. You know, this is what's important to me. This is what I really want to do. And then she would literally. You would pick up and then move to the other chair and say, I really get that you want to do that, but this is what's important to me. And then you see if they can come to an agreement so that you don't feel like you're competing. Because a lot of the time people will say, I want this. But then they're scared of it. They've got a competing intention. This gestalt practice lets those two parts of you that are at war with each other unconsciously or consciously inside of yourself so that you can find a resolution and find and really get behind yourself and feel aligned so that you're not subconsciously at hurting or sabotaging your efforts.

Okay, that's amazing. I'm literally going to do that.

It's powerful. Yeah, it's powerful. And then really, for me, anytime there's like a healing process forgiveness is one of the most grounded, practical ways to really let it go right again. Acceptance frees us. So there's a really beautiful forgiveness process from University of Santa Monica where I used to work. And it's essentially just tuning into your heart space and bringing compassion for any judgments that you've had against yourself, against others or a situation. And so anytime I do a healing, an emotional process with someone or myself, I will drop into forgiveness work afterwards. So it's like I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that I wasn't worth it. The truth is. And then I like to say the truth is and then fill in the blank. For it could be the truth is my worth is inherent and has nothing to do with my behavior or how I perform.

So beautiful. Because we have to, we have to learn these tools and we have to learn new dialogue. If we don't have. If we didn't see it growing up, and I really don't know too many people who did see it. In fact, I don't know any. Or that even if it was good, there's a million other things that, that can still come out of it and that you still need to learn. So so much of what you shared is amazing and really moves into it's. It's all what we're talking about and it's self worth and it's really learning your self worth and it's accepting it and finding it and figuring out what it is and tapping into it. So. Because it does affect everything that we have.

Everything.

Oh my gosh. Oh, my gosh. So especially if we're moving into, we want to start connecting with, you know, the people that we want to connect with. We want to have these amazing support, supportive tribes. We want to have this relationship, we want to have this business. Except the second you start setting those goals and even doing the work, it's like something will come up and it's not ever. I always think it's so funny because I'm always like, oh, this is happening. And I'm like, wait, this is just me, like not knowing how to face this yet.

That's beautiful. That's a great reframe. Yeah. Because then that's an empowered point of view. Then you're saying, oh, there's a different perspective happening here and I can. Can learn how to deal with it.

Yeah, I'm right there right now. So as far as self worth, how does somebody. Because I think especially so many people launching businesses and going after goals right now or doing bigger things in business, kind of like what you're doing. How do we root back into, like that confidence and that self worth without getting it so shaken? Well, might still be shaken, but.

Yeah. Well, I think if we're identified with a feeling or a thought, it's going to get shaken. So essentially how I define ego is identification with thought or emotion. And the ego is just looking for a sense of safety, but it's never going to find safety in the future. And so if we're identified with an idea, the mind is always changing and therefore it's not going to feel secure. There's only safety now. There's only the Present moment. And so for me, having a meditation practice, actually an experience of self worth, knowing your inherent worth is what breaks. It's the shortcut. It's like. It's what breaks the pattern of looking for it outside of ourselves. Meaning. So for me, for a really long time, the core story. Let me just give a little bit of a context. So I work a lot with women and I find that there's about five core things that hold them back. So the story of I'm not ready yet. Self doubt, inner criticism, people pleasing, and perfectionism. But underneath all of those is a sense of self worth. And you mentioned it. It's like self worth affects who we date or who we marry, the quality of experiences we go for, the income we make. And I love helping people make money or attract a beautiful relationship and things like that, only because it helps. I like doing the deeper work of really helping them wake up to themselves knowing the truth of who they are, their inherent worth and value, because nobody can take that away. And so for me, a lot, you know, it was my core story and core wound, which now has. It's like, it doesn't. It doesn't mean it doesn't come up. It definitely still comes up because I keep pushing the edge of what I've known to be comfortable. And so it'll come up. But now I know how to surf the wave. I know how to come back to what's true through using the tools to clear any of the fears that come up. But I think the shortcut is really. It's a spiritual invitation to wake up. And when we don't identify with a thought or feeling, when we know ourselves as the presence that sees thoughts and feelings come and go, that is a game changer. That's where it's like, no one can take that away. That's a deeper sense of okayness that's always here. Even if the mind feels scared, even if the ego is insecure, is connecting back to that sense of okayness and happiness that's here independent of the fleeing thoughts and emotions. Does that make sense?

And I'm just thinking about how this is funny. Last night I watched the Bird box. I don't like watching scary things. And it was. It's funny because I. I had felt really good and I had felt like, you know, I've been feeling very safe with put. If I'm putting language to it. Like, I've just been feeling good. Like the world is good, people are good. And I watched that movie and it immediately just like, shook me. Like Things aren't right. Things aren't okay. Like, I'm like, really? Is this all it took? And then I was like, what is this really? And I just noticed, like, I had to go back to how to make myself feel safe and how to, like, tap back into the present moment and how to. And it was funny that that was the one thing that kind of like. Like, really threw me off. Cause I don't do it. Like, I. I know my triggers, but at the same time, it was kind of cool to tap back in and not let it last a week. But anyway, that's where my brain just was. But it went back to just self worth. The reason I love looking at money and relationships and why I want to talk about that with you a little bit more is because I feel like it. You get. It's a. Like a physical result for the work that you're doing internally.

Yes, absolutely.

So I love being like, oh, wow, that relationship that you wanted is finally here. That money that you thought would make you happy, even though it's not. It's actually just like a. Oh, you did the work. Here you go now.

Yeah. Yes.

And sometimes it can be the other way, but you know, when it can be the direct result of pushing too hard or something like that. But sometimes that money is not lasting. But we can talk about that. Another podcast. So for you for manifesting money, because I do think this is especially for women, I find this is such a trigger. Like, they either think they're not worth it, they worry about what other people are gonna think of them if they have this money. They worry about what they're supposed to do with it. So just. I'm gonna let you go off there.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I was talking to a woman. I often find we have competing intentions about it as well. Where I was working with a woman who wanted to double her income and grow her business, and she couldn't do it. She had worked with other coaches. And so I asked her this question, and it was really helpful for her. But. So I'll share it with you. So your listeners can also ask themselves. It's like one fear I have of. And then whatever your goal is doubling my income. One fear I have of. Or you can ask it another way, which is if I get the thing, I want more money or the relationship, I fear that. And then just be mindful and really listen. And that will highlight this sort of competing intention where you're at odds with yourself with this particular woman. She. At first, everyone usually says, I don't have any fears about having more money or having the relationship in my dreams. And if you just stay silent with it, for this woman, she's like, oh, she realized that when her mom got a raise, her parents divorced. So she unconsciously thought that if she were to grow her business, her marriage would be ruined. And so she had to just. Sometimes it's just about bringing mindfulness to these things that this other conditioning can let go. But something that women can do to really reset their consciousness around money is like, we usually learn about money through our parents. And so you can ask, what did my mom teach me about money? Or what did my dad teach me? And then you just listen, you get mindful, and you write down what those scripts were and you begin to question all of those. And I'm just a big fan of mindfulness practices. If you want to go faster, slow down with the inner work, it's really about slowing down, listening and for me, questioning things. But it's the same thing with money as it is with relationships. You can ask yourself, can I absolutely know for sure that the money will give me this? Or can I absolutely know that what I'm looking for isn't already here and it starts to break down. It's like, oh, yeah, can I absolutely know that if I get, if I get the relationship or if I double my income, then I'll have these things? Because then we can still go for what we want to create, but it comes from a different place inside of us. It's not driven by fear, it's driven by inspiration and service. I think sometimes desire is life's way of helping us do the unconscious healing work so that we can get free for anybody that's on a self improvement or wanting to do self development work, they can use it that way to get free any of those desires. It's like, oftentimes even as a couples therapist in relationship, we're attracted to who we're attracted to unconsciously so that we heal whatever has been programmed at a younger age, oftentimes before, you know, the age of six or eight.

And then when that lesson comes in that we're attempting to learn, sometimes we resist it and run totally.

Because we're scared.

Yeah, we're like, wait, I know I called this in, but I'm not ready. And then we do it all over again.

Yeah, that's just fear talking. I'm not ready yet. I mean, I know that one really well. I have two master's degrees, a gazillion certifications. I lived in the world of not Ready yet? Oh, man, I definitely played with that.

What was that feeling for you when you were going through that? Just so people can really. Because it's easy. I mean, I'm going to be honest. It's easy to look at someone like you and just think that you love learning and education and it's just like.

Your jam, doing what you do. I totally do. And I still was being caught by this core story of not good enough. And if I was just perfect enough or if I had everything put together, then I could start. And so I think the way that it shows up or how it showed up in my body was that my shoulders would shrink. It was comparison. It was feeling like it was just a go to story of saying they're better than me. And as soon as somebody's better than, then somebody else has to be worse than. So neither actually talking about self worth. Neither of the pendulums of those stories better than or worse than feel good. And as soon as we identify with one, the other one automatically has to show up. Yet what feels really true and expansive is waking up to both of those stories. Because, you know, when we know our inherent, it's like. And when I keep saying inherent value, it's like when you lose yourself when you're in life, you're caught in the awe of a sunset or doing something you love, you're not thinking about yourself, you're just present. That's what I'm talking about. It's just our natural state when we're not thinking ourselves into existence.

That's a really tough spot to be in though. So do you know what I'm saying? Sometimes it's like, because the world is telling us everything else. Because I will tell you, I'm in a state right now of just like loving the slowness. But I mean, I can't look on social media or check anything without being like, okay, get off.

Yeah, me too. You know, sometimes I'll go on social media, I'll go on Instagram and I just have a piece of paper just to write down what the stories are that create contraction. Oh, that's good. So I can question those stories because if I question them, then life can't trigger them. But that can be a spiritual practice in and of itself. And I get it. It's rampant in our society where comparison and everyone else is doing X, Y and Z. And then we feel like we don't really enjoy what we're given. And so I can, yeah, I absolutely appreciate it and have been there. And I like, again, I take Time. So last month I went on a five day retreat still. And then the month before that I had a weekend retreat. I take conscious time to unplug or keep doing simple regular practices. Otherwise I would get caught in being paralyzed. Yeah, I would just, I wouldn't be any good. I would feel frozen and I wouldn't feel able to share and serve in the ways that my heart's called to do. And so for me, the spiritual work has been a big part of being out there in the world without getting lost in all of it. And you know, sometimes I get tripped up and then I've got the tools to come back to clearing any of those fears.

Is there a question that you ask yourself when to make sure you're kind of on the, on your path, the path you know, that you're called to? Because it's really easy to especially I find that as we start hanging, hanging around the people that we adore and love and look up to or connect with so much, it's really easy to be like, oh, that's working, or that's working over here. How do you stay on your path?

You know, I for the most part stayed on my path because I didn't. I. It's hard for me, this is weird, but it's hard for me to know how other people perceive things. It's not, it's not a skill that I have, which is like a blessing and a curse. I. But I did. I remember in 2017 there was a friend that had a huge success and I was like, oh, I'll do what she did. And it wasn't my path, it wasn't my truth. It was more looking outside rather than tuning into what the inspiration was. Sometimes we have to fall down or get off balance to know what balance is. And I definitely did that in 2017. And it was like, I love working with people live. I love transformational work. I love doing just being with clients that, that feeds me. Now I've really identified what my core values are, which are love, truth, service, growth and connection. Connection means connection with nature, connection with myself. But those are my core five values. And so now I get to use those as guiding principles to make decisions in my business or in my how to nurture my relationships or how I invest money. Those core principles are helpful because if I go against those, I'm not going to be as fulfilled or happy and I can get away from myself with all the shiny objects of this is fun. And that works for her without really just tuning in. And I think it's okay. That we get off track as well, because we can learn from it and we can use it, and sometimes that's just part of our learning. Right.

That's so good. And I love that you point out, knowing your five core values. I think so many people don't know them or haven't taken the time to write it down. So they're making decisions off of. Sometimes it's like, what can feel good? But a lot of things can feel good. And some things can feel good in the moment, and some things can feel good, you know, looking into the future. So it can be if you really want to stick. I love that. Just writing down your five core values, that's, like, so important. I love that you mentioned that.

Yeah. Because even with one career, even in just doing transformational work and leadership work, it's like, I will come back to, okay, is this in alignment with those values or how? If somebody's not liking their job, for example, I'll support them in saying, how can you bring these values into your work now while you're in. So one of two things happen. Either they start liking their job because it was more the how than the what. And then the other people that still want to change the what, they enjoy the time that they're there before they transition to the next thing.

So I'm totally going to flip it here and talk about. For people who are wanting to call in, like, the relationship that they want or they want to work on the relationship that they have, but they're not, you know, they're running. They're basically banging their head against the same wall patterns.

Yeah. Yeah, I am. So I am trained in something called imago psychotherapy. It's. There's a really beautiful book called Getting the Love youe Want. And essentially. And I have a love quiz on my website for free, but essentially It's. It takes 15 minutes to do, but it helps you identify what the unconscious patterns are that you're looking to heal in relationship. Because we think we want X and yet we attract something else. And so those are the healing opportunities. And there's a certain. Most relationships in the beginning are about healing wounds. And once you've done that work, you graduate to about celebrating and enhancing love. It doesn't mean that things don't come up, but there's another plateau and level of relationship that I didn't know was possible until I became a couples therapist and then started interviewing other couples. Like, I had two, and they were in their 60s. I'm like, all right, there's two, it's possible. And then now I feel like I'm living that marriage that I didn't know was possible, but because I did the work. And it doesn't matter if you're single or you're in a relationship. I think the invitation is to support you and is to offer yourself what you missed as a child, essentially heal those wounds. And so the gestalt practice that I was talking about earlier is. And the forgiveness work is really transformational. Being the parent for those parts of you that had missing experiences that didn't get the love that it needed. And so you can reprogram it, whether you're working with a coach, a therapist, meaning if you're single, even if it's a girlfriend, like a friendship, or you can consciously have partnership where you become each other's. I mean, we project onto our partners anyway, so we just become a healing agent for each other. We can show up in ways to help each other get the experiences that we didn't get when we were younger and really integrate those and not have to play them out and project them onto everyone else.

Oh, man. So I did that with. And not for relationships. But I love how it's crossing over basically into everything, like just really giving yourself what you need. And can you break that down for people who maybe haven't seen this or haven't. And when we say the words giving yourself, like, what exactly is that?

Yeah. So it's like, if a core pattern for me is that I felt abandoned by my dad, I'm just making something up, then I'm going to attract a man that's emotionally unavailable. And then I'm going to repeat the experience of feeling abandoned. And if I'm unconscious, I will say, there's not any good men in LA and men suck, or whatever I would say. And if I'm aware of, oh, there's something in me that's looking to. To be healed, then I would say, you can do a gestalt practice, like we talked about earlier, the part of you that feels that when you were younger, it didn't get. It wasn't emotionally available. Maybe your dad didn't know how to do that. You would give your younger part a voice. You would say, I don't like. Whatever it would say. It would say something like, I feel alone. I don't feel like you see me. I need you to love me. Whatever it would say. And then you could literally change chairs and embody the father or a loving presence and meet that little one to say, this is like one of the secrets or tricks is you're not trying to get rid of it, you're just presencing it. And so it's like, I really hear that you're scared. Tell me more. And then it starts integrating into your system and your psyche and your nervous system. And then you forgive any judgments. I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that my dad should have been been more available. The truth is he wasn't even available to himself. He didn't know how. The truth is I'm learning to do that for myself now and thank God I am. And then you start to eventually that those parts of you become healed and then you no longer attract unavailable men.

That's so powerful, you guys. Seriously, if you're like, wow, this sounds a little like I'm going to be moving chairs a lot. The most powerful, probably one of the most powerful things I've ever done. And I still do it because I mean like I'll probably do it till the day I die because I'm just like, it's so powerful for giving it a voice for understanding. Because until you actually put. Because it's the opportunity like what you're saying as you're explaining it, it's truly the opportunity to put yourself as well in the other person's shoes and practice massive compassion.

Yeah, yeah. And then you can do like a bite sized piece of this and you can also do it with a journal writing where you can you write them and you and parent and child or whatever it may be. But you can also do it where it's like sometimes I'll think about after somebody left and maybe I'm vulnerable or I'm feeling tired or something and I'm like, oh, she didn't say goodbye. I'm thinking of my husband's ex wife over the holidays. I was like, oh, she didn't say goodbye. And I felt like, oh, that would have been nice if she had done that. So I literally just imagined what it would be like if she said goodbye to me inside myself. And then it completed, it was like, oh, I don't need it from her now. And ironically then she went out of her way to create this really beautiful experience for our family. The next two days later I was like, oh, okay, that was mine to offer to myself and now I know how to do it. So they can be short, bite sized pieces. Other times, especially around relationships or money, those are the times that often brings up a lot of the deeper wounds. And that's the best stuff to go for. And it's not Bad if it comes up. That's just what's looking to be met with love. And once it's met with love, it transforms, it moves on, and then we live our life more present and more free and more authentically.

Okay, so we're going to jump into the money thing, because I'm going to make sure that you just wisdom all over everybody. I don't know what that means, but I never used that one before. But. So the money stuff, because I for. For so many people, it's. It's like if you want to know what you need to have healed, like, either start talking about money, be public about money, want more money, whatever that is. So what are the things that you see around money? What are the major stories that you hear around money?

Well, I don't have enough. I don't have enough. It's a lack. It's more of a. It's not about money. It's about a consciousness thing. And ironically, just to kind of tie it together, it's the same things that show up with relationships show up with money. Sometimes we've cleared it with one area, and then we just need to take a comb to clear it through another area. But as we change it inside of ourselves, it shows up to enhance, like you mentioned earlier, every other area of our life. So with money, a lot of the times I hear is, I don't have enough money or I need a client. It's a lot of lack. And outside of myself, which is really disempowered and money's fun. I really like helping, especially women create money because they feel empowered. But more than anything, it's about coming from knowing your inherent value. Then money can come in. You can take bold action in your business, and it doesn't. You're not riding the roller coaster of like, I'm doing well and so I'm great, and then I'm not, my business isn't doing well, or you had a slow month, and then that means I'm not good enough. I think getting off that mental conclusion, that roller coaster is really empowering and helpful and then also just supporting and I'll just talk about women, but supporting women and knowing their resourcefulness, that they can create money if they want to. And I would rather coach somebody to say, I choose not to than I can't, or, you know, so that they are coming from an empowered place. So to me, it always comes back to a consciousness thing. It's about how you're holding it inside of yourself. If somebody's saying, I choose not to invest in myself in that way. Rock on. I'm just like completely behind them. If they're saying I can't, then I want to help them open their mind to see all the ways that that belief shows up in their life and to bust that because they absolutely can. And it's just about being creative enough to add value to other people doing what you love and that's a game changer. It's like here's the thing that I love and then, and here's a way that I can share with people value doing it. And then it's just strategy. Then it's just strategy because for me it's like yes, really getting clear on what you love and then it's fun to create a strategy and then you can implement what you ways to reach your financial goals. If you're not getting stuck on the mental and emotional barriers that come up or set points. Because a lot of times people go back to an emotional set point around something. They go to a victim consciousness or a disempowered view.

So for the people who know that they can and they want to, but then the money comes in and they almost or maybe they're going to the next level. So this could kind of be the same question around like up leveling, like feeling worthy for a lot of money, for massive abundance.

Yes, yes. It's interesting because there's. Our self worth has the upper limits as well as the lower limit. It's so made up. Right. It's just, it's completely made up. We've got these glass ceilings, these upper limits and we still to sabotage it. But that's still an image. It's a self image. It's not who you are and you. And because we made it up, we can change it, we can expand it. And there are some people that are only interested in that. And then other people want to wake up out of the whole game of I'm better than and worse than which to me is a deeper freedom. And not everybody wants that, but I'm interested in that. And it's fun. I'm happy to share with people how to do the unconscious programming so that they feel like they have a greater sense of self worth and that they don't have to unconsciously sabotage themselves. A lot of it happens through mindfulness. But still it's like again, I'm better than, I'm worse than. It's just they're both stories. It's the same core wound on a pendulum. And if you can see that sometimes people will say you deserve this or you deserve that. And it's like you're. Your deservability has nothing to do with it. Right. They'll say, like, charge what you're worth, but your worth is inherent. Your services, on the other hand, are not. Your services cost something. So when we don't identify with what we do, it's easier than to make bold moves in our business and not ride that roller coaster if it's doing good or not.

That is such a beautiful thing to be able to discern between, because I think that's where people can get caught up is like not understanding what to charge as well. So some people not charging enough. I see that a lot.

Yeah.

So what's something that you say around that? Like trying to even find how much to charge for what you believe?

Yeah. A lot of people will look outside of themselves at what other people are charging, and that's really innocent. But for me, I like really helping them just tune into what's true for them. So it's like, think about what are the results or how you're supporting somebody, and then you want it to be an integrity. So it's like once you get a number, ideally it's a little bit out of your comfort zone, but it also feels like it is so that you show up fully to serve them powerfully in whatever your services are, but also in your integrity. So you would ask yourself one barometer would be, would I be willing to invest in myself at the fees that I set? And then that gives you somewhat of a barometer of like, okay, this feels like it's in check, but not again too. And sometimes just helping. Name the languaging around it. It's not like I deserve that or I'm worth it. It's just. It's like my services are worth it. And so it's not necessarily about who you are just kind of separating that.

Is there anything that you would share with people just around and feeling really right with what money is? Oh, go ahead. First you say yours.

Yeah, Community. And this is so your jam, Lori. Like, community. Community. Community. I think that having a conscious, like your having tribe is such a game changer because they're gonna be things that they. Especially for women. It's like, we can. And I love men and I love working with men. Right now I feel deeply aligned with supporting women. And really. So we have both masculine and feminine ways of leadership. So me. But just supporting women right now is a bit more in what I'm aligned with, essentially having a community of women who are up. Leveling themselves does something to us. It also gives us. Because women, you think of little girls on the playground, they're in community, right. They're usually drinking tea and playing while boys are being more. They're usually single, focused, they're throwing a ball and they're more action oriented. And this is very general statement, but essentially women look for others for permission. And so you can use that for your advantage to put yourself in a community that's really upping themselves who know that their worth is independent from what they make, who are that you give themselves permission to fall down and get back up and to be messy and try things on. It's really contagious. And we can use that for our advantage as women just by being in community and to support each other is obviously really healing.

So true. Some of the biggest shifts in my life have come from that. Because when you forget, it's really nice to not take weeks of waiting for yourself to remind yourself. They remind you a little bit faster.

Yeah, yeah. They see us just to remind us. Yeah. And I think three of the most powerful things that can help create change, and we're just talking about New Year especially, is like when people are really wanting to make sustainable changes in their lives. I think community is a big one. I think doing the inner work and then obviously having strategy to stay consistent with it. But those three things are really impactful and helpful.

I love that. That's so true. So what are any last things that you could say to people around? I just want to conclude the money topic for people just around getting really right and understanding what money, you know, the energy that money is like getting right around, the idea that it's not only okay, but maybe something that you get to really use and get your work out in the world with.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, money is just. It's a. And it's an exchange system that we use in our society. And it's really just about love and service. And when we're not thinking about ourselves and we're being of service, but also having boundaries and not just giving our stuff away for free. It's like it calls people forward, it calls us forward. It can be a spiritual practice. And I just want to give you permission to charge for your services, but just to know that you don't charge what you're worth. Your worth is independent. And actually when we really know on a deeper level that we've disassociated those two, the number comes and it's not such a big deal. We can. Can Tune into what feels right. And we can always change that if we're pricing our own services. And really just for women, I find that men tend to claim it and own it very quickly. And I love that about men. And I think women, we can watch and these again are very generalized statements, but we can watch how at least as a coach, I see a lot of men just claim it. They invest in themselves and they go, I'm a watcher doer. So when I see somebody do that, I'm inspired by it. I try to cultivate the courage for me just to experiment and try things on and go for it and see what happens. I mean, I'm doing that in my business right now, totally outside of my comfort zone. And it's like, okay, let me just do this 90 day experiment and let me see how it is. It feels a little bit lighter and just giving myself permission and having Community to remind me and to see that it's possible.

Thank you so much for that. And I'm noticing so many incredible people doing amazing things, are really using, using the word. And it's so powerful. Experiment. Like it's all just an experiment.

Yeah.

And it does make things so much less scary.

Yeah, it's just, we're just trying it on. We're just gonna, we're gonna see.

We're gonna see if we like it, we're gonna taste the sandwich and it's up to us if we want it.

That's right.

Oh, so is there any last words that you wanna share with anyone that we didn't cover? I mean, I'm sure there's a million.

But yeah, really, I think just at the heart of it is that, you know, anyone that feels int insecure or they're doubting themselves or they don't have clarity or it's like it's really okay that any feelings come up and just to question any of the beliefs that create those feelings. Because at the heart of it, you are beautiful and you are perfect as you are. And as you question any of those limiting stories, you come back home to yourself and know that experientially. And I want that for you.

I know that you have a beautiful course coming up or course or class. Could you tell us about that? Because I'm sure at this point people are wanting to dive a little bit deeper.

Yes, I have success in Soul Mastermind. At the end of February, I'm launching a six month program for female entrepreneurs and just women in leadership who want to go to the next level and have Community to do the strategic work as well as the transformational work, and just have more fun together really going forward and rocking their businesses.

So.

So you can go to my website, Alyssa nobriga.com and learn all about the success and soul mastermind.

Love that. And you guys will put that all in the show notes and where else can we find you and follow you?

I'm on all the social. Yeah, I'm on Instagram, Facebook, all the.

Things she's all over.

You can't miss it.

And I always end on one last question. But first, I just want to say thank you for all of the work that you do in the world. I know that it's funny living in the same area as someone because her and I are kind of neighbors, basically. So it's just so cool to be able to meet people that, you know, meet so many different people that have been impacted by you and meet so many people who love you. So. So you are out in the world doing your work. So I'm so grateful for you and thank you so much for this podcast because I got so much value out of it.

So I know so many. Thank you, Lori. Thank you for the work that you're doing. I love who you are and how you are in the world. It's really inspiring.

Oh, thank you so much. So I always end on one last question.

Okay.

And it's, you are in a really fast elevator ride, just like 30 seconds with a total stranger, and they look over at you and they ask you, how can I make myself happy?

What do you say? I would say that your nature is happiness itself. And to question any belief that would hold you back from experiencing that for yourself, and you will. You will come home to your natural happiness.

That's beautiful. Thank you so much. And you guys, if you loved this podcast as much as I did, make sure you share it with a friend. In fact, right now, go and text it or email it, because it's truly an opportunity to give them a gift. So, until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the Earn earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye. Bye.