331: How to Trigger A Breakthrough with Tracy O’Malley

Where are we going to dig now? What, like we're dig this thing up now and sometimes, like, sometimes roots grow into your house and the foundation and you got to dig them up and pull them out and let them go.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back. I'm so happy you're here for another episode. I have an awesome guest today. It's somebody who's been in my life for a while, and I gained so much wisdom with every single conversation. So to sit down with her and to really dig in, it's so funny how you can know people, but when you get this solid, beautiful hour of questions and connection, it's like you unearth so much awesomeness. So that's exactly what you are about to be let in on today. And before we do that, I want you to head over to theblissproject.info and check it out. Because if you're ready for a total immersion event, like, if you are, like, all right, here's the deal. I want my life to change this year, but I just am completely overwhelmed and don't know what to do. Girl, go immerse yourself for the weekend, because that's how I change my life. It's the only reason I pour so much blood, sweat, and tears into this event is because these are the exact tools and types of weekends that have changed my entire life. So head over there right now and grab your ticket, because I'm telling you, it's gonna sell out and it's gonna be really fast. So theblissproject.info 500amazing women. Don't get intimidated. Because if you are intimidated, that means that you get the opportunity to grow the most, and it's the perfect spot for you. And if you're excited, well, then you're one of my favorite people because that's so much fun too, to have you there. So whoever you are, you guys, we all need each other. We all need each other and we all need this work. I need this work all of the time. I book all of my events at the beginning of the year that I'm gonna do and I actually still have yet to book some of my events. So I need this total immersion as well every single year, at least three times a year. So head over there right now and make this one of your events that you go to. So my guest today is the amazing Tracy o'.

Malley.

She is a sought after master transformation coach. She is a serious powerhouse entrepreneur. She's a keynote speaker where I have watched her speak in front of like 15,000 people and rock everyone's world. She's an author and she has truly inspired people from all walks of life. She's the queen of tough love and transformation. She's facilitated soul breakthroughs and truly sustainable changes. With Tracy's coaching, you will tackle limiting beliefs, uncover hidden blind spots, navigate tough transitions, and create shifts that result in emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial freedom. And her story is one of the most beautiful stories of comebacks. So if you have any question if it's possible to continue coming back from rock bottoms, not 1, 2, 3, to continue coming back from Rock Bottoms and become even better, this is exactly what you want to listen to, to hear how to be better on the other side of all of the things that knock you down. We're gonna break habits, we're gonna break patterns, we're gonna talk about addiction. So let's get started. Tracy, thank you so much for coming on. I'm so excited to actually just be talking to you today. But to also have this recorded for.

Everybody else, I am so pumped for this. It's a beautiful way to start off the new year for sure.

I know we were just. This is kind of my re entry, so it's like the best I've had a couple. You're my second podcast with like amazing women. I was like, how did I. I didn't even like really set this up this way, but it was the perfect day. It's like the universe was looking out for me. So there you go. So I'm so grateful to start it with you because I think that this is going to be such a beautiful conversation for where people are at right now, because every single year I feel like people kind of find themselves repeating that same New Year's pattern and then finding themselves in the same situation of maybe not fulfilling what they want to fulfill or becoming the person they want to become, changing their environment, all of the things. So first of all, before we even jump into any of that, I just want to share who you are with everybody. And I'm always. Whenever you open your mouth, no stress or pressure, but I always learn something or feel so moved because of how authentically you share. So I'm just so grateful for you in the world and I'm just happy to be on this conversation. So I would love for you to share a little bit about yourself with everyone who has not gotten the honor of meeting you yet.

Okay. Do you want the short version?

No, we got time. We got an hour, girlfriend.

Okay, girl. So I was born and raised in the Midwest, Chicago. I know you're a Midwest girl too. And there's just something about it. I mean, we are born with work ethic and like rooted values for sure. However, something that also came from that. I'm Irish too, so we've got the Irish thing too. We're a passionate, passionate bunch, prideful bunch. And I grew up the oldest and in a family with a very high functioning alcoholic. That was my dad. My mom was the codependent checkout. Emotionally couldn't even handle it. So there I was. I remember as early as four, kind of self proclaiming my role as the peacemaker. Okay. And so from that moment forward, you know, I had a younger sister that I was taking care of. I was making sure dad didn't burn down the house when he passed out drunk. I was making sure mom got out of bed to at least greet dad so he wouldn't be upset. And all the while trying to be this perfect kid to not make waves. And I went on to excel in sports, in school, in anything I did because the last thing I wanted to do was make any waves and upset. My dad went on to college and met a guy who was from Arizona and he had a family that was so everything I wanted. Looking back, I can see at the time I thought it was all about him. But Looking back now, 28 years later, I can see that I was attracted to the mother that he had. The dynamic of a family that I was so crazy craving and so made the decision to uproot myself to Arizona and run away from that because I thought that that would help me deal with things. And married at 21 and like a good Irish girl does have back to back babies. And the Irish twin thing is what I did, which is great. And I thought, okay, wipe my hands of the past. I'm just going to move into mom mode. I'm going to be everything that my parents weren't. I'm going to be that perfect parent and my kids are never going to have to be perfect or perform or any of those things. Was married to a guy who was the opposite of everything I knew. And it was fine, you know, it was fine, but it was. There was always something missing. And then My daughter turned 4, so I was 28 years old and she turned 4. And it's when my first memory came, like a memory memory that I had stuffed so far down. And I had this internal rage at my parents, at everyone. And I knew very quickly that if I didn't make some changes, I was going to burn the whole house down, take everything in its path with me. So it was when my first dive into like, okay, where did all this come from? Came in and I started unpacking a lot of things. It took another 12 years for me to get it right. I spent 12 years floundering, manipulating, saying all the right things, but not taking the correct action and not really willing to do the deep dive. About 10 years into the marriage, doing this work really started to affect things because he was like the fixer. And when I was like, I don't need your fixing, I'm going to do this myself, it kind of changed the whole dynamic of the marriage. Obviously it always takes two to break down a marriage. And my part was that. And so we owned a business together, divorced when the kids were 9 and 10 and continued to work together, which was a nightmare. I don't recommend that.

I can't imagine.

And then the recession hit at the same time. So 85% of our business walked away overnight without a warning. And so I had to make the decision. Either I rebuild a business with him or I go into corporate America. And even during a recession, I was in the car business and I was really highly sought after. So I had three job offers even in a recession. But corporate America to me was like a death sentence. To be honest. I'm emotionally unemployable, but I had to do what I had to do. I was not receiving child support at that time, so I was like the emotional, spiritual and financial provider of the kids. And so I went into the corporate end of the car business and I felt like I was in prison, but I had to do what I had to do. To be a girl in the car industry is pretty rough. You have to have really tough skin. And the ratio is about 1,000 to 1. And although there are some really great people in the car industry, it's not the most integrity filled place to be in every day. And if you don't beat them. Sometimes you just gotta join them. And I was scolded for not using my expense account enough. So that's when my alcohol issue really took a front seat. And I was piggybacking that with a very active eating disorder on top of it. So it was like I was imploding. I was like this volcano ready to erupt. And I had just turned like 38 when I started that. I was like, seriously, I've got a lot of life to live and if this is all it's going to be, I'm just going to be angry all the time. And I was watching my kids, they were about 14 and 15 at the time, and I saw them start to cope like I was. And it scared me tremendously because I knew what their future was if they kept coping like that. You know, my daughter, she's kind of like this free spirit, kind of just runs from issues and will just be busy and be around people. My son was manifesting his anxiety in physical ways and in substance ways. And I was like, I don't want that for either one of them. I don't want that for either one of them. But what do I do? What do I do when I'm in the middle of this, that I have to do this? And I know there's stuff I need to work on. I don't know how to do it. I'm drinking all the time. I'm of course in a relationship that's a high functioning alcoholic, which is like the picture of my father. And in the middle of all that, I get a call from my dad. I had just gone into AA for the first time. I was like, I need help. So I was about three weeks into AA when I got a call from my dad saying that he had just been diagnosed with stage four cancer and it was untreatable at the level it was at. They had given him three weeks to three months to live and 12 days later he was gone. So I had just turned 40. The kids were 14 and 15. That saying life is too short really was like an insult because it really was. It was 12 freaking days. And I knew that it now is the time to make some changes. And I didn't know what that looked like. I knew I needed to wipe out the hard drive of my entire existence in my mind, my body, my soul. Because obviously what I was doing was not working and I was repeating the patterns I grew up with. And you know, even though I wanted something so different for my life, I realized that the pathology that I was born with and was born into was dictating what I was doing. You know, we do what we were taught, shown, modeled and spoken to. We do that even if we don't want that unless we go back and change the pathology of it. So it was at that time I was like, okay, I'm in a clean house of anything and everything that doesn't support the vision. So pretty much the only thing that made the cut was my kids. And I decided to walk into my boss's office. He was grooming me to run the place, which is the last thing I wanted. And I walked in and I said, listen, I'm going to pack up my desk and I'm going to quietly go and I'm not coming back because if I stay here, I will die. Thank you for pouring so much belief into me. He was an amazing person to pour so much belief into me. And I couldn't even believe it because I was a hot mess and love and just everything. And I said, but I'm gonna go and I'm gonna go quietly. So I packed up my desk and left. And that night I sat the kids down and said I was gonna go into rehab to really get my shit together. And my son, who was only 14 at the time, mind you, he was coping just like I was. He said, mom, I'm gonna give you up for 30 days to have you the rest of my life.

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So I was like, okay. I mean, what a brave young man to say that. And so I was like, oh, I got to take this serious. I mean this kid just laid it out there for me. I'm not going to let him down. But I also knew the statistics because when I got to rehab the first day I heard them and it's really. I mean, this is why I'm so passionate about recovery, because only 2% of us ever stay sober the rest of our life.

Wow.

Those aren't really great odds and we hear about all the horror stories and nobody ever talks about, about how good recovery can be. And so my first day in rehab, I heard those statistics and I was looking around the room. I was in the room about 15 people, and I was doing the math. I was working the numbers in my head. And the very first thing I spoke out loud to that entire room of women that were to be my roommates for the next 30 days was, I apologize to all of you because none of you are going to make it, because I am the 2%. And I went into rehab not just for the alcohol. I was like, okay, if I don't address the eating disorder thing, because honestly, that had a stronger hold on me than the alcohol. If I don't put all the cards on the table, I'm going to keep this one in my back pocket. And so it was the first time I ever spoke about my eating disorders as well and the alcohol and a lot of other stuff. And for the next five, six and a half years, I have been diligent about putting that first. Sadly, I was correct. I mean, within 18 months, the roommate that I had in rehab died of an alcohol overdose. Every single person, I don't know the rest of them, but I know they all went out and relapsed. I'm sure some of them didn't make it. So that was like, the beginnings of, like, what I was doing today. I wiped my entire social network out to change my playmates. I wiped my own personal hard drive out. And I was left with this plain, clean slate. And now it was rebuilding, rebuilding the pathology, rebuilding my own biography and learning new tools to reparent myself. Because I couldn't change who my parents were. I couldn't change the things that had happened to me as a child. I couldn't change any of that. But I could go back and change the belief system that was birthed in those experiences. And so that's when it started. When I turned 40 is when that whole rebuild process started to happen.

Wow. So I've gotten to see you on the other side of all of this, which has been amazing. So to know your story and to be able to hear you. And also I've heard you on amazing stages. And just every, every single time I get to hear your story, it's just. It's such a beautiful reminder of what's possible. And now you are in this work of helping other people do this. Do you think that's been a huge, like, was that always meant to happen? What's. What answers have Come to you around.

That there are three things that come to mind. So when I was nine years old, you know, everybody used to say, I remember hearing thank God it's Friday, thank God it's Friday. I remember hearing that. And I had the opposite. I would have tremendous anxiety and panic attacks around Friday because that was when my dad would drink a little heavier, mom would get involved in it and it would be a shit show. And so on Sundays were my favorite day because it was kind of like when the dust would settle and the wreckage would settle. And I remember getting on my bike and I lived in this small town outside of Chicago and I would get on my bike and I don't know what was driving this, but I kept hearing this voice inside of me at 9 years old saying, there's something much bigger than you, Tracy. There's something bigger than you. Go seek it out. And so I would get on my bike and I would ride to wherever I could to any church that was close by. I didn't know I wasn't raised in church. I mean, even though I'm an Irish Catholic, you know, we were the EC Catholics, like the Easter Christmas Catholics. And my dad was so heavily forced into it that he was not going to do it for us. But I would get on my bike and start riding to any church. I don't know why, but I did. And I will never forget one rainy, rainy day on a Sunday morning. Like if this happened today, like children's protective services would probably be called. A little nine year old rolling up to a church like a drowned rat. And I will never forget this. It was a Baptist church. And I walked down the stairs into this room and it was like the whole room parted and there was this big light shining down and this guy said, what are you doing here? And I said, I have no idea. And he handed me my first Bible. So that happened. And so I was like, okay, I know there's something bigger than me. And then when I was 12, which was the heat of when my parents craziness, like from the time I was 10 till 18, my parents was such a volatile situation and I was 12 years old and I would always have the TV on getting ready for school. And I remember There was a TV show called AM Chicago and I was 12, which is just a God awful age anyway, you know, the junior high, it's like bad for me, it was just horrible. But I would listen to AM Chicago and I was getting ready for school and I remember hearing this woman and I just. Her laugh was infectious. I was like, what is that? Who is this? And I would look at her and I was like, wow. Like, that didn't quite fit what I thought I would be seeing. And it was this beautiful black woman. I thought she was beautiful with this big afro. And she just lit up the entire place. And it turned out it was Oprah Winfrey. So, like, the Chicagoans got to know Oprah before she was Oprah. And two years later, when I was 14, is when the syndicated show Oprah, the Oprah Winfrey show came out. And I would record it every day and watch it. There was something about her I was so drawn to. And this was long before she talked about the stuff. But when I was 14 and I caught one of the episodes and it was the first time she started to talk about her abuse. And all of a sudden it hit me like my pain was not going to be for nothing. If she could endure that and make it through to the other side and bless others with her pain and her story and her work that she's done to get through it, then I will, too. And at that moment, at 14 years old, I'm like, this will not be for nothing. What I am enduring and fighting through will not be for anything. And it was like, okay, okay, I can do this. But the real connection came, like, doing this work and how powerful our words can be as parents. I mean, I know you've grown up and you've talked about how you grew up and you've written about it. It's everything. It's everything. And there was a story told about the day I was born. And if you knew my dad, I know our audience is a little bit younger than me, but my dad was like the modern day Archie Bunker. Like a zero filter, very crass, like does just says it. And the day I was born. So mind you, this was at a time when the men were in the room, when the kids were born.

Yeah.

And he. And he was chain smoking in the.

Waiting room in the hospital.

Yes.

Early 70s, so mind you, but my mom had been in 30 something hours of labor. Right. And the doctor comes out, I'm born. And the doctor comes out to tell my dad he's got a daughter. And without hesitation, my dad said, you know what? Keep them both, I don't want them. And he was joking. However, and obviously the day I was born, I didn't hear that story. However, I heard that story told over and over and over with a lot of laughter at my expense at 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. And the thing we don't understand as adults is children take words so literally. Yes. And at that moment when I heard that story and I was like, what do you mean you didn't want me? Like, I'm not good enough. I am. I am not worthy. I'm going to have to be perfect in order to gain your love because you didn't even want me to begin with. So short of having a penis, which that wasn't going to happen, I stepped into my masculine energy. I was the perfectionist. Overachieving, like, this is the only way I'm going to get any kind of approval. I knew every lineup of the sports teams of Chicago. I could open beer bottles at 3 years old, anything to please my dad and fit into that role of what a boy would do. And it just got very confusing. So that belief system that was born from that one sentence was, I am not good enough. I am not worthy of love unless I am the absolute best perfect person. And that carried that whole belief system. Then you start seeking it out, right? So I start seeking out the truth that I'm not good enough. So that would put me in relationships that were pretty toxic environments that weren't healthy for me, sabotaging anything that was good in my life because I wasn't worthy of it. And so those are the things. Like today I am so passionate about the work. You know, knowing that there's something bigger than us, knowing that your pain has a reason for it. It's not your purpose. Because if you think your pain is your purpose, you're going to keep seeking out pain. But the pain is for a reason and it's your job to overcome it. And then obviously re parenting my little T that lives inside of me because little T was driving the bus from that moment she heard that story up until 40 years old. She was seeking out and sabotaging anything that was good because she didn't feel worthy of it.

Oh my God. Thank you for sharing that. And there's so many key things that you said and so many beautiful things, especially the re parenting, which has been such a powerful thing for me in my life. Like becoming your own parent, like changing that voice out in your head. So this brings us to really talking about what you the word that kept coming up, which I'd love for you to explain more to people. Just the pathology and the undoing of what was done because that's pretty much what we are now. Once you have the realization and the self awareness, it's like, oh my God, how do I undo all of this in a Way that doesn't feel overwhelming, scary, traumatizing. Is it really possible.

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Yeah, it's. It is scary. I'm not going to lie there. There is nothing fun about this process except on the other side of it, to know that you have this beautiful gift. It is a gift to go back and do it. The definition of pathology is the science of cause and effect of disease. Disease, specifically in samples, tissues, and cells. Like, that's the medical term of pathology, which also means our blood, which means our bloodline, which means our family line, right? And, you know, really understanding that, you know, and looking at my life and anybody I've worked with, their life, like, those patterns get repeated. They may show up with different wrapping paper all over them, but it's the same package, right? And so when I knew that I couldn't change the past, I knew that in order for this shit to stop with me and not pass it on to my children, I was going to have to learn to redo this. And when I really took a hard look at what I had been doing when Little T was rocking the boat for those 40 something years, I would do the same thing that was done to her. I would say, you're better seen than heard. Shut the F up. Do as I say, not as I do. Like, those were the words that were pounded into my head. Who do you think you are? And when I realized that it was my job to heal her I brought her to the forefront. In fact, I put her, she's my lock screen on my phone. So every time I feel like the I'm not good enough creeping, I just tap my screen and there's little T looking at me at 4 years old to remind me that she's just scared. She's got these words in her head that she believes. And I literally have out loud conversations with her and I invite her to the table and I sit her on my lap and I'm like, listen, I got you, little girl. Like, imagine looking at your own little self and pouring love and belief into her because she didn't get that. I know you didn't get that. You know I got the opposite of that. And so the chance to really look in your own little face and do it is so freaking powerful. And I think it's important to have it like on your lock screen because our phone's always with us and things will trigger us throughout the day. We're like little T's going alert, alert, alert. And even though on a conscious level, I'm totally fine, I'm totally fine, but my body will react in a way that it's little T saying something doesn't feel right right now. Something familiar is making me really scared right now. And so really going back and doing that work and it's hard because there's many layers to healing and I have quite a few decades under my belt of healing to go. And so even with my own children. So when I made this realization also, I was like, oh shit, I've got two 20 year olds now. And I know that even though I was a good parent, I may not have been the greatest parent for them at the time. And so I've had to have really hard conversations with both my kids separately because they're two totally different beings. I'm sure if you sat your sibling down next to you or my sibling down, our perspective and perception of how our child would, it'd be totally different.

Totally.

And same thing with my kids. So asking them both the questions, where was I lacking in your life as a child? What do you remember? And hearing them both with such bravery and courage speak it to me. So I could then say, okay, here's the tools to change that. And both of them said, you're modeling something different today. I said, I know that. However, you still got a little Casey and a little Joey living inside you who's going to rock the boat too. So let's heal this now when you're 20 instead of when you're 40 something. So really doing that work, it's painful at times. And I'm telling you, Little T, especially when we're about to up level our shit and take ourselves to new levels and, you know, new levels, new devils is. No, no kidding. But Little T, when we're about to go to a new level, like right now, she's been freaking out the last few weeks. I'm like, every part of me wants to parent her. Like I was parented. Like, shut the F up. Because that's easier, right? Instead of saying, okay, little T, I feel you right now. I'm scared too. And just being in partnership with that little girl or boy that lives inside you instead of just like shaming her into the corner like she probably was, right?

So that's. So this brings up the midpoint of. So you're in it again. And it's going to happen over and over and over because with every level, just like you said, so you're in that transition period. And especially if you have. And I think all human beings, if you are a human, we have some really addictive patterns, some way more than others. So there's that point where you're in transition and it feels so much more comforting to go back. And it's almost like, you know that midpoint when you feel like you're falling backwards in this free fall and you just like, are just trying to grasp onto the old way. Because that transition point is the not knowing. So how do you navigate the in between?

Well, it's hard because my old ways is let's burn the house down and overcome something and rise up from the ashes and be the Phoenix. Like that.

Okay?

Because that works. Because that, that can work.

It does work. But I wanted to grow without freaking drama, right? And to identify that this was happening. Right now I don't have to burn the boats. I don't have to, you know, cause chaos, like, because that's what Little T wants to do. Because that's just, I mean, when, when all, like when everybody's written you off and said, see, I told you that's what she's going to do, and then you get that rocket fuel of fu under you, it's way easier to perform and go for it when everybody's counting you out, right? But when you're in this middle of the transition and it's like, okay, it's a lot harder. It really, really is. And to just identify what's happening. What's Little T saying? What's Big T saying? I'm also very 100%, without question, aware that when this is happening, that means there's something really amazing on the other side of this. And sometimes it means taking a little season of silence and really just being present in the moment so the downloads from the Divine can come in. Because if I'm, you know, so in the past with trauma, victimization, pain, regret, I'm going to miss the downloads. If I'm too worried and anxious about the future, I'm going to miss the downloads. It's only when we're absolutely present with whatever is right in front of you that the downloads can come and take effective action on them. And that's not always easy because I don't do well in the silence. I don't. However, I've learned that my greatest growth comes in those seasons. So embracing them and knowing that I don't have a timestamp of when that's going to expand because I've tried to negotiate with God before and be like, okay, I'll be silent for 30 days, and then you can just let me know what the next plan is. And he's like, ha, ha. How about 11 months, little lady? And it's like, oh, my gosh. So I've quit trying to negotiate. And just like, if I'm present enough, I'll know when I hear the call. It says, now, now. And that's what's happening to me right now. And it's scaring the shit out of me. And I'm like, okay, I'm present so I can hear it, right? It's when we've got so much distraction or too many events or too many coaches or too many of this or too many of that, we're going to miss the entire calling.

So the season I'm in right now, and I've even tried the negotiating, and it's not working. That doesn't work either. Tell me about the. Or it backfires totally. Or you just, like, create something to grasp onto because you're like, maybe that's it. And you're like, no, that wasn't it. I'm really good at that one. Really good at that one. And then when you're in the middle of it, you're like, this Wasn't it torture?

This is awful.

Tell me about what caused the 11 months of silence.

So it was. The end of. It was right when the Cubs won the World Series. So it was the end of 2016, and I was feeling really tired, like, over the top. I had been seeing a naturopath for a while. You know, the ADRENAL fatigue, the burnout. Like, I'm like, it's got to be this. I'm working my ass off. Of course it's that, you know, and my spiritual health was really solid. So I was like, good. I'm really good. And business was good. But I was, like, feeling like the more I did or the less I did, the worse it got. So I remember I made a deal with God and said, okay, as soon as the Cubs win the World Series, I'm going to go off social media because maybe that's it. Maybe I just need to be present and be artsy, fartsy, crafty. I know you've been knitting. I was coloring, drawing, and doing really creative Pinterest things. And I noticed at the end of 30 days, I got worse. And I was like, okay, this is it, this is it. And I. I had a few speaking things on my calendar, and I was like, I'm not going to commit to any more. I need to figure out what's going on. And the next six months, six months, I ended up bedridden and my brain quit working. And it was May of 2017 that I had my will redone. And my own funeral was being planned because I didn't think I was going to make it out. I had what it felt like dementia. I was very, like, out of my own head. I was having panic attacks, which I didn't have. I couldn't be around people. I couldn't remember people's names. Like people that call me Aunt Tracy, I couldn't remember their names. And I really thought I was out. And it wasn't until that moment that I found a doctor that was more holistic, that spent two and a half hours with me to go over my history, and we started to piece things together. I had had breast implants put in two years earlier, and I'd had them before, but I had had a swap out two years earlier, and it did the chemicals that were in it. The new and improved isn't always new and improved for an immune system, let me tell you. Because new and improved to me means more chemicals, right? And so the toxic overload of my body. I have a genetic disposition to this, that when anything synthetic is put in my body, it will react. And, you know, my liver was already overflowing with toxins, and it just couldn't fight anymore. So when I walked into that doctor's office after doing all sorts of tests, he's like, I don't know how you're still walking or living. So my season of silence was a little bit forced because the protocol for the next six months was, give me your calendar. You're going to be hooked up to IVs every day for the next 16 weeks. And I had nothing to do but to sit in a recliner, look out a window, and just let God download whatever he had into me. Was scary.

What came out of that for you?

Now, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. However, that season was one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. It also told me this was a huge part, too. This is also what told me that our body is always sending us messages and signals for the longest time. You know, there's so much about mindset and, like, meditation, which is all really, really important. However, our body is always the driver, always, always trying to tell us something. So looking back, I was like, oh, okay. It was trying to tell me something there. It was trying to tell me something there. But I'm going to power through this. I'm a mindset my way through this, and the next thing I know, body's like, yeah, peace out, boy scout. Not happening. And so I really learned to have an appreciation for my body, Obviously, with eating disorder histories, a history of eating disorder. Body image has always been a struggle for me. And I remember crying, being rolled into surgery to have the implants removed and all the scar tissue from both sets of implants. It was brutal. Like, I was on my bed going through that. So my recovery was very long and painful. But I remember crying, not because I was scared, but, like, having this conversation with my beautiful body and making that promise that I was never going to stop, think, or say anything shameful about it. And I thanked my body for being so strong and powerful, for fighting so hard for me to pull me through that. So what I've learned from that is, like, my body is always trying to tell me something. And, like, what I said earlier, there was a situation about six months ago. I was in the middle of a campground, you know, just having a fun time, sitting around the campfire, talking really fun stuff with a set of girls. And all of a sudden, my body started reacting to something. And, like, on a conscious level, I was like, what is happening right now? All of a sudden, I felt like. I felt as a little girl, like, the heart racing, the heat, the shaking. And I'm looking around, I'm like, girls, what is happening right now? What is happening right now? They're like, what? What do you mean? And I kid you not, Lori, 10 seconds later, two campgrounds over, a drunken brawl broke out.

Wow.

10 seconds later. So my body was feeling that energy. So this whole thing about, like, all this energetic stuff that wasn't even on my radar two years ago. And now I realize that every financial move I make is a spiritual decision. Everything I do is spiritual energy. And I am never going to ignore that is the driver. If my body says not today, then it's not today. And I don't try to override that. I don't try to just power through it because it's convenient. I listen. It's like, okay, the body says no, Then it's a no.

How do you know the difference between fear for people who have not approached a lot of fear yet, you know, they haven't navigated it yet and what you're talking about? Because sometimes I think in the beginning or even at the end, I've had those moments where I'm like, I can't discern what this is right now.

It takes radical honesty with yourself. It takes sitting in front of a mirror, having that conversation. That's why that relationship I have with Little T is so important. It's like, okay, are you afraid of something? Is this familiar? Is this something, like, really dialoguing with her? And if she isn't speaking to me, and because I do it enough, I know when it's my own bullshit and fear or her that I need to heal something with. And now, more times than not, it's like, no, not now. Not now. It's really. And being really honest with myself. Like, okay, do I just not want to do this shit because it's scaring me, or am I afraid of rejection or. And that's all little T stuff, right? But something like, just like, I don't want to do that workout today. Although I really want to be at a freaking fun spin class, my body is saying, no, take a Shavasana right now. Okay? And so that intuitive stuff, like intuitive eating, intuitive intuitive working out intuitive relationships, and like, I'm the intuitive queen right now. And it really am. It's like, okay, do I want to eat that? Nope. Do I want to talk to that person? Nope. And just really honoring that. And, you know, we. I listened to one of your podcasts about, like, tough love, and. And I've been known as the queen of tough love. And I do think that can be effective. Like you said on the podcast, it gets shit done sometimes. However, if you grew up like I did in self care. Self care and self love fall into the same category. For me, my definition of love as a little child was I needed to be perfect in order to have it. So self love means I need to be perfect. Right. In that I need to be perfect. Self care for me. Me meant neglect and abandonment. Caring for me as a child meant neglect and abandonment. So if I'm going to self care, I'm going to neglect and abandon myself.

Yeah.

So I've changed the word to honor because there's really no gray area with the word honor. So every decision I make, whether it's for my body, my business, my mind, my soul, my relationship, is this self honoring. Because if it's a no, then it's a no. Always. There's no gray area with what the word honor means.

Oh, I love that word. Yeah, it's really. It's a much friendlier. Like, it's a loving word. It's like really a loving word. So finding. I love that you talked about that. Like, finding the words that even fit. Because that's game changing. That's been huge for me. Just the language that you're using.

I don't even use the word sorry. Like, I don't ever say I'm sorry anymore because that's like shaming yourself. I will say I apologize because that's a verb. Right. But saying I am sorry is like. That means you're sorry.

You're sorry for being you. That's how I feel. Like, yeah, I just. It's funny I just said that yesterday. I said sorry to Chris. For some reason, I'm like, you know what? I'm not sorry. And I'm like, okay, calm down, Lori. Like, we can do this with love. I'm not apologizing for being me. And then I was like, okay, calm down. All right, so I wanna chat about, like. Cause everything that you're saying has to come. It comes from a place of needing a realization and needing to break a pattern, obviously. So the breaking of the pattern. Because before this, before we started recording, we were just kind of chatting about how, you know, in everybody's lives, we listen to podcasts, we read the books, we take the courses, we hire more coaches, we want the certificate, we want the degree, whatever it is. And so often we. We're either once we get it, we're not happy for some reason, or we're not able to complete it. Like, we think we need more accountability or we think we need another thing. So how do you go to the root? What advice would you give on finding the root or figuring out the route?

Oh, my gosh. So, like, when we're triggered by somebody or something or we're sabotaging someone, something, whatever. I often ask myself. And when I'm working with people, I'll take them, like, to the timeline. Like, go, like, the first time you heard this, saw this, this was modeled for you. There's something that happened before you were 10 that this was rooted in. Right? So let's say somebody triggers me today. And usually it's passive aggressive behavior that triggers me, like nobody's business. And it has. I don't like it.

Me too.

I don't like it. And when I'm getting triggered by somebody, which that's usually the thing that'll do it for me, I'm like, okay, Trace, where was the first time you saw this? Where did you hear this? How did you feel about it? Because it's never about that person, ever. It's about something that happened. So to go back and said, you know what? That's not about you. That's not about you. I know it's kind of a backhanded thing that's going on. It's not about you. So taking it to the timeline and knowing that where we first heard it, it was modeled, and then what belief system did, did you form as a result of that? Because that's the only way you're going to get to the root. I mean, you can have a big, beautiful tree with lots of fruit and apples like we were talking about, but if it's not so deeply rooted, you know, a hurricane, a storm can come and that thing can. I mean, we've lived in the Midwest, we've seen massive trees get knocked down, and it's. Their roots weren't solid. So getting back to the roots of our family is so imperative. And I know, like, I know you've done extensive work on this. I have too. It's never ending. And you realize the different intricacies of it. But when I am triggered today, which doesn't happen very much, but when it does, like, oh, there's another little lesson to learn about myself.

Me too.

And I get excited. I get excited like, okay, where are we going to dig now? What? Like where? Dig this thing up now. And sometimes, like, sometimes roots grow into your house, in the foundation, and you got to dig them up and pull them out and let them go. You do. So I work on that. And being willing to go there, you don't stay in the shit of it. Like, you know, letting that shit go is really important. But if you got to heal it first, you really got to heal it first. Otherwise we're just masking it. With some kind of stuff, whether it's shopping or relationships or, you know, success, whatever, you know, we're going to ask it with something unless we heal it.

And healing, some healing can take a long time. Some healing can be fast. Right. Have you had, have you had both in your life?

Oh, for sure. Like, even realizing that the first time I heard that I'm where I felt I'm not good enough was connected to that one sentence my dad said on the day I was born, I was like, holy mother of God, that is huge. One sentence, like, I've had abuse in my life too. And that one sentence had more of an impact than the other kind of abuse I had had at, you know, at my expense. One sentence and really having that awareness and then knowing every time I'm feeling not good enough, it's just boom. Just go into a conversation with her and it's pretty quickly fixed. Like it doesn't mean it doesn't come up, but I can nip it in a bud like within seconds now. So it's just that willingness to go there.

What's been something for you that is like a repeating. You're like, I thought this was healed, but it's not. And how do you deal with it?

Oh, girl. And this is where you come to play my issues with women and moms. In fact, in my season of silence, when I was coming out of the other side of it, when I knew I was going to survive, I had three things on my list. Because what I noticed in that experience was I looked around and there was nobody there. That was self inflicted. That was completely self inflicted. I had pushed every person away. I have really good friends. And I was like, holy crap, I did this to myself. And so when I knew I was going to survive, I'm like, I need to do things different when it comes to women. And you know, sitting in that chair, I was able to really go back in the timeline and understand why my relationship with women was because of my mom and the way she abandoned me, you know, emotionally. And so one of the things on my list was to get to the bliss. The bliss event. There's nothing like 500 women in one.

Room making you hug em.

Torture for this girl, you know, because my perception of what women would, the role women played in my life is if you let them close enough, they will hurt you and abandon you.

Yes.

And every whim, every woman that had come my way from that moment till that recliner was pretty much being judged by me for that. And that wasn't there And I knew that wasn't true. I knew that wasn't true. That was Little T. I'm like, okay, we're changing this up. So I got to your event, and, you know, I've got not just a mom, but a stepmom now married to my dad. And recently I've had some experiences now with her. And this is where, like, this. This work doesn't stop. She rejected me in a way that was so painful even today. And, like, on a surface level or conscious level, I'm actually okay. Like, I get it, logically understand it. It'll get fixed at some point yet. The dagger to this little girl's heart that lives in me, I heard her voice say, wow, we have had two moms reject us. What's wrong with you? And instead of judging women for what those two women had done to Little T, I reached out to my power team, my circle, and let the women lift me up, which is not something I do. I'm usually the strong one. And I called on my girls. I'm like, listen, I need you to hold me up right now because this is. This is painful. This hurts. This hurts really bad. I will recover. I'm going to let my heart break, and I will recover. But right now, I just need some strength to hold me up. And so that whole dynamic, it doesn't mean people aren't going to hurt us, but I don't need to let every woman carry that burden of those two women that were very important to me, are very important to me. And so I was like, even though I was in pain, I'm like, I'm so proud of myself right now. I let women hold me up. It was so great.

And how was that letting go, that letting go experience of, like, I didn't know that we were both going to be crying today, but this is great. How was that experience of leaning into those women? Like, what? Because there's a lot of conversation in your mind that comes up when you're allowing that.

So I was really scared to do it. And I also knew how destructive I could go if I didn't. I know what I'm capable of, and I know how two moms rejecting me could really do a number on me, and I know what I could do to not feel that. And so leaning into these amazing women. I know you've talked about this. Like, I have different friends for different things, too. Like, I don't have one friend for everything. And I know you have the same thing, and I know I have this friend for that. This Friend for that. This one for that. I've got about four of them. And what I found was not only did it feel good to be held up for the first time in my life by a woman, like, the first time ever, but I also saw the gift I was giving them by allowing them to do it and to know I had been robbing beautiful women in my entire life from that. Like, okay, like, this is a gift I give them to be there for me. And they don't perceive me as weak or. Or incapable or anything but loving me. They love me without condition. And they're actually feeling empowered by me allowing them to do that, especially me. Like, all of them said, like, we've been waiting for this from you. I'm like. Like, I just. Like, it was so great. Like, Little T was embraced for the first time in her life by a woman, and it felt amazing.

Thank you so much for sharing that. I can't tell you how much I resonate with that, because it's still. That's, if you ask me, still what mine was. It's still that. Still that over and over. So just even hearing you share that is such a good reminder for me to, like, to lean even more. Like, release even more. Because just hearing you and even watching your body language as you said it, like, there's like a release. It's just like, it's so light afterward. It's like you can't get that.

You can't. And, you know, because my kids are older, like, I dialogue a lot of this stuff with them so they can watch me navigate that our hearts are still going to get broken and we do recover. Like, me holding back in the world will rob me of joy. It doesn't mean it will be without pain. And so them watching me navigate that whole process is also changing the pathology of not just my kids, but my. My grandkids, my great grandkids. Like, the shit stopped with me. And, you know, somebody's got to go first. And I know you're doing this work, too, and moms and women, like, we need to have this stop with us because we will pass this stuff down, even no matter what kind of coaching we get, like, out there, like, you gotta stop this with you. And it means, like, walking that talk. So my kids have actually been watching this whole process. And I've also noticed that because they're older, I wouldn't do this if they're, like, young and burden them with that. But, I mean, I've got adulting children right now, and letting them hold me up as well. My son, like, allowing him to be the man of our house and letting him hold me up has been amazing. Not just for me, but, like, I see his whole, like, everything change by, like, yes, I can be there for my mom in a healthy way, not in a burden way or, like, carrying that. But he's even talked, he's like, thank you for allowing me to be there for you and showing me what this looks like. Wow, it's crazy powerful.

I think for so many people. And I think majority of the people who listen to this podcast are such, like, I can do it, I muscle through it. You know, they want to just be the powerhouse, the Type A, and it just. It's not sustainable. And we'll even try to put, like, frosting on it and, like, make it look really cute, but it's like, what's underneath? That cookie's gonna crumble. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I was the queen of the power through and, you know, I heard suck it up millions of times as a child. As a child, millions, suck it up, suck it up. And that's like, suppress it, suppress it, suppress it until you explode. Right? It will explode. So, yeah, it's. I mean, although my heart still breaking, it is like, it's going to take time to heal from this last one. And I'm recovering, you know, I'm all. I mean, we're all in recovery from something. We are had trauma, you know, I know you've had Mastin on the show. Like, I love the work he does because everything in your life, the trauma that you've experienced in one sentence, one sentence was traumatic. And I've worked with people like, well, my abuse wasn't as bad as hers. I'm like, my one sentence is as powerful as the sexual abuse that you endured. I'm sorry. But it is, because it changes everything from there moving forward. So for anybody out there, I work with a lot of people who've gone through masterminds and business coaching, and I love all of it. I do it, too. I think it's great. However, the real reason of my success is the willingness to do this work too, because success won't mask it, because it'll show up in a different, more expensive way. You know, you've got different overhead and all sorts of stuff. It will show up. Trust me. You can't keep kicking the can down the street. You'll catch up to it for sure.

Absolutely. So what is something that you want to leave people with or that we haven't covered or that you're Obsessed with sharing right now.

You know, just be willing to go there to some of the painful places. And when. When we go there, it doesn't mean we stay there. We go there long enough to. To feel it, because you got to feel it in order to deal with it, and you got to deal with it in order to heal with it. Heal it. And so, you know, one of those things that I do is like, okay, this hurts. We're gonna go feel it for a second. We're not gonna stay in the shit long enough to name the flies or anything like that, but we have to go and revisit it. Be willing to revisit the painful parts of your life. It's so important. And to know that your pain isn't your purpose. Like I said earlier, if you think your pain is your purpose, you're going to keep seeking pain in order to find your purpose. And that's not necessarily true. But be willing to revisit the pain so you can heal it and make a better difference in the world. Especially if you're in the. The coaching field or the wellness field or anybody that you're a mentor for somebody because of this work is why I'm untouchable. I know this. I know that's why I'm so good at what I do. Because anybody that works alongside me knows that I get it and I understand them. And I really, no matter how much success I have or will have or anything, I'm still a human being at the end of the day who's experienced trauma and pain and is still working through it. And I understand. I understand. And there's something about compassion for yourself and for other people going through it that really makes the world a better place. Honestly, it really, really does. And having that level of compassion is really important.

Tracy, I could talk to you all day. I'm always like, how in the hell did that go by? I know, but, you know, maybe I'll. Maybe I'll start like a four hour podcast and then I can talk as much as I want to. People, hey, people do it. I don't know. I'll have to think about it. All right, so I'm so grateful for you, and I want to make sure that people know where they can hear more of your wisdom or get more Tracy, or where do we find you? Follow you.

Follow me on Instagram, tracyomalley and on Facebook too. But a lot of the good stuff, the daily God shots I throw down and my golden nuggets will probably be on Instagram. Stories and things like that, but I'm all about helping people recover because we all deserve it. We all deserve to live a great life and make the impact in the world we desire. And this is the only way to really do it and feel fulfilled by it.

Thank you so much for this conversation. I swear, like, it doesn't matter how much of this work you do, you can talk about it and it lightens something more every single time. So to have that person to process with or do that work with. So you guys go find and follow Tracy and I always end on one last question.

Are you ready? Yeah.

So you're in an elevator. I guess you don't even need to be in an elevator. But it's a 30 second. It's a 30 second, 30 seconds with a stranger. I don't know why that sounds funny to me right now, but they look over and they ask you, how can I make myself happy? What do you say?

I say know that whoever or whatever has been put in front of you or you've experienced realize that it's a gift to learn and love more about yourself, to make a bigger difference in the world.

So beautiful. And you guys, if you loved this podcast as much as I did, make sure that you text it to a friend or you share it with a friend, because it's truly a way to offer somebody a gift. So until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an update. Honest thought and honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye.

Bye.