333: NO Might Be The Answer You Need To Get What You Want

Even when it doesn't feel good or even when I think that I'm not connected, I'm always being looked after and I'm always being watched over. And my path is exactly the path that I am supposed to be on if I'm really looking at what the lessons are. Welcome to the Earn your Happy Podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the Earn youn Happy Podcast. And it's time for another quickie, because there's always time to fit in inspiration. And I know that you are out there doing the thing, making yourself better, making your life better, making other people's lives better, and doing all of this stuff. And I see you and I'm so incredibly proud of you. And we're all doing this together. And this is just your reminder that you got this for real. Even if you feel like you're running wild with your hair on fire and Maybe you have 47 children in the backseat throwing spaghetti in your hair, like, you have got this. You are made powerfully and magically and we're all doing it together. So lean in. And if you're feeling crazy, call a friend right now. This is your sign if you feel crazy or lonely to phone a friend. You've got a lifeline. It's like the game show. Use your lifeline. Don't just think, no, I don't want to burden someone. I don't want to do. Or I don't want to call somebody. I don't want to bother someone. Like, people want to help people. And the second that you share where you're at in your story, they probably need it too. So the person that you're thinking of is probably channeling you to call them. So call them right after this episode, though. Or you can pause it. That's fine. Just unpause when you're done. All right, so today's quickie. I've been thinking so much about validation, and this word can get a really bad rap because validation is a very tricky and interesting thing because it drives us. And while it drives us to want validation from others and other people, to like us, to love us, to want some more of us. It's a country song, you know, that you have to validate yourself at the end of the day. But we can't really come to these realizations without first, I believe, really understanding that seeking other people's validation and finally getting it doesn't actually make us happy if we don't love and approve of ourselves. Believe me, I have led a very long life of trying to prove myself and get the love and attention that I felt I did not receive enough of when I was younger. So I have been attempting to validate myself or have other people validate me my entire life. Whether it was from, you know, wanting to feel popular or have a lot of friends, which never happened, or whether it was from wanting to be seen and have men like me and needing attention and wanting to go out all the time and never ever feeling full from any sort of attention, if it was wanting to win fitness competitions. Because then finally someone would tell me that I was worthy and I was worth listening to and that I had something good to say, whether it was writing a book and thinking that finally people would really know who I was and take me seriously and want to hear me speak and book me for speaking. And all of these different things that I thought was going to bring me happiness, whatever it was. Don't get me wrong, I think that goals are so incredibly important, but it's not until you really realize that you need to be fine, you need to be good, you need to be happy with or without the thing that you are seeking to validate you. Because even if you think it's going to make you feel different, it's not the thing or the person's approval that's going to make you feel different. It is the trust that you earn from yourself from showing up for the thing, right, that you think is going to make you feel different. It is the pride that you earn for showing up and going through the challenges and learning how to be courageous that makes you feel validation and love from yourself. Yourself. It's not the thing. So the thing gets you to do the things that make you proud of yourself. But if you don't take that into account, if you don't stop and say, look at me, I'm showing up. Look at me, I woke up when my alarm went off this morning. Look at me changing my thoughts. Look at me trying to be a better person. Look at me trying to make someone else's life better. I'm so proud of me. Wow. Look at me making sure that I nurture my connection to source to God. Look at me making sure I nurture my connection to my family. Look at me making sure that I tap into my creativity and without really stopping to be proud of yourself for all of the things that you've done and loving who you are and loving that you show up and and giving yourself grace even when you don't do any of that. I'm going to tell you that no matter how much validation you get in your life and no matter how many things you end up doing, it's going to come to a stop at one point. So your love for yourself will also stop if you're leaning on that validation or you're going to burn yourself out. And that's going to be a very beautiful day for you. So I want to read this. I There is no quote of who this is by, so I'm not taking the credit for this, but I really love it. Everything changes when you begin to love yourself. You no longer send out energy of desperation or need to be filled from the outside. You become a powerful source within yourself that attracts better. The more you love who you are, the less you seek validation and approval. Another quote. Stop wondering if you are good enough, know you are and start acting like it. I just think these are really beautiful quotes because no matter where we are in life, we need to reassess what we are needing in order to feel happy. And so often I can be like, no, I'm great. I feel awesome. I'm doing this for all the right reasons. And while, yes, doing it for many of the right reasons, there might be a big part of you that has forgotten and detached from the right reasons that actually make you happy. And you've now attached to something that isn't actually something that's foundationally real and lasting. So let me share something with you. So I had a big goal with my book of hitting New York Times bestseller. And it's a really interesting goal to hit because it's not actually based on the numbers of books that you sell. You could sell the most books that week and still not be voted into being one of the like 10 that week new York Times bestsellers. So with that being said, I was even aware that it's completely not like it's not even up to what I have any power over, right? Because no matter how much money I put towards my marketing plan, no matter how like, no matter what I did, no matter how many books I sold, I still may not have power over this. So, so many people. This is a big thing that you might hear about, especially if you're an author. So many people put a lot of their validation on, was this book good? Is it going to get New York, New York Times, While we really don't know what's going on with why people get it and why people don't. Right. And nor does it necessarily even matter, because if you're putting your validation on if this is a good book or.

If it was worth it for you.

To get a title or to get someone's approval, and I hope that you can put yourself in this story, whether it's something like mine, New York Times, a trophy, winning. Winning anything, getting approval from anyone, getting that promotion, whatever that looks like. Technically, we don't necessarily ever have the power over it, but what we do have the power over is being able to really look at our life and say, I get to write that book. And I get to write the book to help people. I get to get it into the hands of so many people. I get to tap into my creativity. I get to have a. A book. Like, I get to share this with people. I get to share my story and pray that it helps shift them and. And the story helps shift their life. I get to really be able to help people transform and see all the different things that I went through, and hopefully they can apply that to their life as well and not feel so alone instead of just. You know. There was a point where I'm not gonna lie, it was like, okay, if I don't. I just feel so detached from this book if it doesn't get the attention that I want it to. And what ended up happening is I hit New York Times bestseller over and over. Every week. I would go and look and I'd be. Have so much. You know, I'd be like, no, I'm not attached. I'm great. And I really did believe that I felt that way. But then when it was like, when it really sunk in quite a few weeks after that, I did not get it. I was like, wow, I didn't get it. Like, I felt like that was my one chance and I didn't get it. And I was like, wow, why do you think you need this thing? Can you still be so. Can you, like, re. Engage and get so excited about this book and what you got to do and the journey that you went through and the person that you became in the process of Writing and showing up every day and crying and not being able to write on certain days and feeling like you were the worst writer in the entire world. And then the next day feeling like you were amazing, and then the next day feeling like you're terrible. Like, that was such an insane, beautiful journey of showing up no matter what and really loving myself and really leaning into a power that was so much bigger than me and saying, I can't do this alone. Like, that was one of the biggest journeys for me, to connect to God. Like, to connect to Source in my faith and really know that even when it doesn't feel good or even when I think that I'm not connected, I'm always being looked after and I'm always being watched over. And my path is exactly the path that I am supposed to be on. If I'm really looking at what the lessons are. Now, here's what I want to say. I am, to my core, glad I did not get it. Because I have learned more from not getting it than I would have learned from getting it. Now, do I still want it? Sure, of course. It'd be fricking amazing. And maybe the book will hit sometime in the future. Maybe it never will. Maybe I'll never get a New York Times bestseller. Great. But here's what I want to say from not getting it. It made me re engage with that book and it made me get so excited for what I now have. This beautiful tool to help me really look at myself and say, you are so worth it and worthy and I am so proud of you whether this did or did not happen for you. You wanted to write a book. When you wrote a book, it was to write a book and to do all the things I mentioned not to get a New York Times best seller, right? So the New York Times was the thing that motivated me, but it motivated me to do the thing that was on my heart and in my soul. And I have to validate myself. And I feel so much more proud of myself that I can be this pro and know that I feel so good about it. Without the title, without the thing, without the approval of the people, without the attention of certain people that I really hoped would look at it or certain people that I really had expectations of shouting it out. And they didn't. So many different things like that. But here's. Here's a few things that I want to share with you. There is a beautiful song that I've been listening to called Where Do We Go? By Lindsey Sterling. And there's a line in There that says, where do we go when our prayers are answered, but the answer is a no. And that question in itself, you guys just write that down. Where do we go when our prayers are answered, but the answer is a no. And this answer was a clear no for me for a reason. It was because I don't even know if I'm necessarily supposed to continue down that path. And I think so many things would have opened up that now I can see there is a very clear pivot for me that I want to start doing more towards business, businesses, more towards investing. That I think that if I would have gotten really caught up in the book world, that I wouldn't have explored what I think my soul is actually craving to do. So I think sometimes if the door is not opening over and over, that you need to kind of. You can continue banging if you want, but if it doesn't feel awesome and the answer is kind of a no, then you might need to say what else is coming up for me and start exploring it. But first you have to detach and let go of that expectation. So I also love the quote, God's always answering your prayers. They're just not the answer you always want. So it's yes, no, or not right now. And really looking at your life and saying, where are you getting a clear yes, where are you getting a clear no? Or where are you getting a clear not right now and looking at what you believe you need. Because if you believe you need approval from someone, or you need to do something with someone, or you need to be friends with someone, or you need need to be doing something in order to be seen or appreciated or validated, then you're always going to be in lack. And lack sends out the energy of desperation, and lack sends out the energy of putting the burden of an expectation on someone. But when you are in gratitude and when you are in creative mode and when you are happy to do the thing that you're doing with or without that thing that you want at the end, right? When you are happy to be doing the thing with or without the thing that you believe will validate you and will finally make you happy, that is when you start to attract. When you are grateful and you are good with or without the thing or the title or the person or the man or the thing, the person being your friend, the person giving you validation. I'm telling you, there's probably certain people in your life that you're like, if I could just be their friend, if they would just recognize me, if they would Just, you know, do this for me. If I could just be able to speak here, if I could just write that book and people shout it out. If I could just have Oprah recognize me on her. Her book club, right? If I could just have Reese Witherspoon recognize me on her book club, that'll do it. I need them to make this happen and for them to see me. And let me tell you, people feel that energy. I don't even know Reese Witherspoon or Oprah, but I'm pretty sure that they probably felt the burden of an expectation. And whether they know my name or not, it's not going to be the energy that's going to attract them. But what will is being in what I love and sharing what I love and being just a bright light and a bright energy and doing the work, but not with the expectation and not with the need for them to see it. I definitely believe in following up. I definitely believe in being consistent, but trying to keep that energy really clean, as clean as you possibly can. And don't get me wrong, it's not going to be clean all the time because we are humans and that's okay. It's going to motivate the shit out of you to keep going. So make sure that you just check in once in a while and be like, am I coming from lack? Am I not being grateful? Am I not grateful for the person I'm turning into? Am I not, you know, being happy with myself? Am I saying really nasty things to myself? Am I saying natural nasty things about the person who's not validating me? Why do I need their validation? Really going back to loving yourself.

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So when we approve of ourselves, we move from lacking to attracting. When we approve and love ourselves, we move from lacking to attracting. And a couple things that you can ask yourself is if that thing or that title never happens, will I be okay? So a great mantra is, even if I never get that thing that I want, I will be okay. Even if I never get that validation, I am enough. Enough. Even if I never get asked to do the thing or feel seen, I will keep creating, right? I am enough. I will be okay. I will keep creating. And that is the most beautiful human promise that we could ever make to the person, the creator that made us, that we will keep showing up and we won't need human validation. And we will just remember that we're made for some from something so much bigger, so much more magical and that no human could ever make, break or validate us. And that has to come from within. Because when we go back inward, we're trusting the very thing that made us right. That Wayne Dyer quote. When we trust ourselves, we trust the very source that created us. So lean in, you guys. I know that life gets so blurry because it's like, well, how am I supposed to go after what I want? Am I supposed to have God goals? Yes, yes, yes and yes. Keep going. But when you start to feel desperate and you start to have an expectation and you start to feel upset with someone or something for not getting or giving what you need, that's when you have to go back internal and refocus on your why. Why are you doing this? It may not be the right audience for you, it may not be the right people or it may not be the right path. You might be really trying to get redirected right now, but you're just, just not listening. So listen in, give yourself some grace. Because this stuff takes so much time. It's not like the answers come immediately, right? You're gonna look back in three months or six months or a year and go, oh, okay. Like you're always, I think the answers are always way down the road, but you're just living in, you know, the very unclear moments, which just requires a lot of love, grace, faith and patience. And without those moments, guess what? We don't actually ever get to practice any of those things. And there's of the most important things is, is faith and really remembering that we're not forgotten about, we're not forgotten about, it's just our reality. And what is supposed to happen is not matching with an expectation. So I'm sending you guys so much love today and I'm grateful for you always listening in. And I hope this, that this helps you. Wherever you're at, maybe release your grip a little bit and maybe a new path will open up for you or maybe you'll get back into that energy of remembering how good it feels to get into your why, to release somebody, let go of expectations, let go of something that's actually causing you pain or sucking your energy dry and just get back to the things that really make you happy. Because your vibration, your happiness vibration is going to be the thing that attracts people. So have the most amazing day. It means the world to me. When you guys rate, review, subscribe and definitely, most definitely, this podcast is only staying out there and getting growing because you guys are sharing it. So it means to the world to me when you text this to somebody, if you know somebody who needs it and you share it on Facebook or Instagram and you know that I respond to pretty much all of my DMs as much as I possibly can. And if you want to send in a review as well, you know that Evans and I shout you guys out for your reviews and we choose a review of the week and we send you either a T shirt or a mug. So if you guys want a really cool podcast, T shirt or mug, make sure you are submitting your reviews. So 5 star reviews and comments and subscribing. Okay, until next time, earn your happy. Bye everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye Bye.