336: Are You Confusing Connection With Coaching?

If you were like me and you believe that your fulfillment will come from more followers or will come from more people to speak in front of more clients, like, you just want to be serving more and you're so not fulfilled, it might be time to back it up just a bit and see what your beliefs are around that. And it's not that it's not okay to have those things. Absolutely. I pray for them that you have them eventually, but I pray that you understand it's not where your happiness is going to come from. Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the podcast. And it's time for another quickie, because there's always time to fit in inspiration. And I am prepping for the Bliss Project, which is pretty much by the time you hear this, I'll either be heading down to Newport beach or I'll probably already be there. And I'll be nervous because that's just what I do. And I think that's what everybody does before a big event. But I can honestly tell you that if you're wondering how long it takes for the nerves and fear to go away, this is year seven, so they just don't. But I will say it's completely different. I feel so ready and so calm, but I definitely, of course, get anxious butterflies. And I'll get them on the day of, for sure, intensely. Especially because I'm doing something there that's super, super scary. I'll share with you afterward. But my theme for this year at Bliss Project is permission. So I'm giving myself permission to do something that is really uncomfortable, but I know that is in me. So, you know, where else better to do it than the place that I've created? So create what you wish existed and do what you wish you were doing at the place you created. I don't know. All right, so today I want to talk to guys. This has been on my heart. There's actually I was Sitting here thinking of a bunch of different topics. And honestly, I have so many different topics I wanna talk to you about right now. And it was a toss up between, like, resistance and just limiting the time between the action that you need to take and the amount of time that you sit in that resistance, which I think might be next week. We'll see. But this week, something came to me today that just, like, hit me so hard. And the reason that it came to me again, and it's a topic I always talk about and I wrote about it in my Is, are you confusing coaching with connection? And whether it's coaching or not coaching, I'll explain this in depth. But the reason that this came to me is so many of us are confusing what connection actually means. And we're wondering why we don't feel fulfilled and we're wondering why we don't have the connections that we want. And I'm going to explain in my life how this has appeared several times and how I was confusing what actual connection was and wondering why I still wasn't feeling fulfilled. So I ended up connecting with this woman online and I was connected to her through a couple other people. And she reached out and asked if I wanted to go to Soul Cycle and Coffee. And because I knew so many people that she knew, I was like, absolutely, let's go. And she was sharing with me this similar feeling of not having the group of people or the group of friends that she wants in her life. And I was like, oh, my God, I have been in this similar situation. Like, I found myself in this situation where I was feeling completely disconnected. And I ended up getting a coach who at the time, this was about six years ago, maybe seven years ago now. Oh my gosh, maybe it was seven, was Gabrielle Bernstein. And I ended up coaching with her. And one of the problems that I, that I brought to her is I was like, I'm feeling so, like, lonely. I'm feeling unfulfilled, I'm feeling empty and I'm feeling disconnected. I need to be speaking more. I need my audiences to be bigger, I need to do more coaching. I need to be out there more. I really think the problem is, is because I'm not out there, people aren't finding me, my following's not big enough. I'm not getting asked to speak. And she stopped and basically completely schooled me and said, you are trying to get your connection, your intimate connection and your fulfillment from your audience and your clients. And no matter how many things that you do, you are not going to get it from them. Because coaching and connection, like, connection, as far as an intimate, deep connection, 5050 equal energy exchange, they're not the same thing, right? Your clients and the people you're coaching with or, you know, those types of people in your life are paying you for a service. So you're not getting an Equal Energy exchange. So if you're constantly speaking or you're constantly podcasting, or you're constantly outputting and you're like, but I'm around all these people and I'm doing all these things, and maybe I just need to do more. And maybe I need to do more things and speak to more people and have a bigger audience. You probably are really lacking in the department of Equal Energy Exchange Connection, where people equally pour back into you. You and you receive. Now, why was I not feeling fulfilled? And why was I not understanding this and seeking actual connection? Well, at the time, what was happening was I only felt valuable if I was able to help someone, because I tied my value to believing that if I wasn't of service to someone or helping them, that I was a burden. And I didn't feel valuable. And I didn't even like who I was around those people. Like, if somebody. If I couldn't help someone, it was almost as if I didn't know what to talk about. Like, I'd go to coffee with someone who was maybe way ahead of me, and I was like, I don't even know how to help them. Or maybe they weren't interested in what I was interested in, or they didn't need help. And it was like, I didn't even know what to talk about. I didn't even know how to, like, feel valuable or receive or be interested because I was so consumed with trying to make sure that I was enough. Because to myself, I was not enough. So it was a huge moment of, wow, I have to focus on myself for just loving who I am, with or without me, serving these people with or without being able to add value. And that was kind of a crazy time for me, and I'm still to this day working on it, that I notice that if I can't add value to someone's life, that I feel, like I'm, like, grasping for straws. I'm like, oh, my God, what do I say? What can I do? How can I help this person? I don't. I don't know. Like, sometimes you can just sit there and you could actually say, yeah, I wish I had the answer for you, but I'm just going to be a great Listener for you today. I'm just going to be a great sounding board for you today. And then there are other times where you have to receive, where you have to go, and you have to seek those people out who you can actually receive from. So part of the issue was that I was only seeking the people that I knew I could help. So they were at a different level than me. And the people who you're probably going to connect with on a deep level are going to be around the same level or above your level. And sometimes that can be really intimidating for people who don't feel worthy because we don't feel worthy around those people. Right? We only feel worthy around the people who we can add value to. So for me, it was a lesson in finding my, like, really realizing that we have innate worthiness, like we're worthy. Just being born like we're worthy, not doing anything at all, right? And really understanding that I'm worthy no matter what, if I can add value or not, can I sit with that? And then being seeing myself worthy enough to go and connect with those people who I didn't necessarily feel worthy for yet and let them help me. And here's the deal, you guys, when you let them help you, you're also adding value to their life. Just like how you like to help other people, they want to help you. You in turn are making them feel valuable. So all of a sudden you found someone who's at your level or above or around your level, and you are now able to add value life while equally receiving value from them and vice versa. Now the receiving portion for me was like one of the biggest challenges because at the same time, I also had to get vulnerable enough to tell them what was going on in my life. And it was less worry about me being vulnerable and opening up. But what came up for me was because of my past, my family was so stressed out all the time. There was so many problems, there were so many burdens going on that when I felt that I would share problems I had or if I needed help, I felt like a burden. So this has carried now. Did anybody. Has anyone ever said that to me growing up? I really don't think so. But this is how I translated my life. So what happened is I started to say, well, I'll be the fixer. I'll always add value. I'll just figure it out. I'll always make sure that I'm quiet and that I'm not, you know, adding to the problem. And. And what happens is this translated in my relationships as when I share vulnerably or when I need help, I'm a burden. When I ask for help, I'm a burden. Well, guess what? That doesn't get you anywhere at all. And it blocks those other people from wanting to help or from being able to help you. Which blocks an actual connection. Because again, let's go back to what connection is. It's that equal energy exchange where you can help them, they can help you, they can receive and you can receive.

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So as you can see, this is like all completely tied to each other. So if you don't have the connections in your life that you want, it's really time to start looking at where you think your connections are coming from, where you think your value is coming from. Maybe where you are blocking vulnerability because of fear of being a burden or fear of somebody taking that information and harming you or hurting you because you've been hurt in the past. You guys, these are all just relationships. There's no guarantees in relationships. It doesn't matter if you've read my book a hundred times and you're like, okay, I understand all of this. I'm doing these seven agreements. Like, I'm doing this perfectly. I've even read the four agreements. Like you can be living by all of those things. It doesn't change the other people. And relationships are always our biggest lessons and it's always how we're going to learn. So you're constantly going to get lessons in the form of either being hurt or needing to understand something. But nothing makes you understand love like being hurt, right? Like nothing helps you understand forgiveness like being hurt. Nothing helps you understand compassion. Like really not enjoying someone or something or having to set let somebody go. And you guys really just looking at where you are at with your connection and where you believe your fulfillment is going to come from. Because if you were like me and you believe that your fulfillment will come from more followers or will come from more people to speak in front of more clients, like you just want to be serving more and you're so not fulfilled. It might be time to back it up just a bit and see what your beliefs are around that. And it's not that it's not okay to have those things. Absolutely. I pray for them that you have them eventually, but I pray that you understand it's not where your happiness is going to come from. Those things are going to be an outcome. Those numbers, those people, those audiences, those invites to go and speak your podcast. Growth, business growth, friend growth, whatever it is, is going to be a result of you being fulfilled and okay and seeking fulfillment from something that's real, from real connection, from support, from somebody supporting you, from you, allowing yourself to receive, from you, allowing yourself, yourself to know and believe that you are enough and that you are worthy. And in order to attract those people, you have to be the person that those people also want to be around. So really focusing on being the person that you would want to be friends with, someone who is vulnerable, someone who trusts, someone who gives, and someone who also receives. Because, ladies and gentlemen, receiving is a gift. And when you truly let that in and you let someone help you and you actually open up and you tell someone what you need, whether they can help you or not. But even just letting them hold space for you and listen, the game all changes. The game all changes. So I hope that this either provided some insight or really gave you some valuable information about what you need to do next or where you need to go. And I know it scary. I know it's so scary because of a past story or something that's happened in the past, and you've built that wall up so high to protect yourself, but I'm telling you, it's also keeping out all of the people, all of the joy, all of the connection, all of the answers. Because I really do believe that our answers come in the form of people. Whether that is, you know, the answers are inside of you. Of course everything you need is inside of you. But. But I believe it takes the connection of somebody else to unlock some of the answers that are already buried inside of us. So I hope that this helps. And I'm so grateful for all of you and you guys. It means the world whenever you leave a review or you share this with someone that you know needs it. And that's how the podcast gets out there and stays out there. And I have no problem asking for help anymore because I will tell you, this podcast wouldn't exist if I didn't ask. So anytime that you are willing to text or share or show it on Instagram, it means the world because it's the only way that this stays in motion. So you guys, until next time, earn your happy. Bye everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the Earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought and honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye Bye.