351: People Pleasing is Paralyzing

There are no set rules on life. Nobody has set a number on you. Nobody has set rules. Nobody has set boundaries. Like, it is all up to you to decide what you're worth. Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the earn your happy podcast. And it's time for another quickie, because there's always time to fit in inspiration. And you guys today, this is quite hilarious because I was just about to sit down and record a quickie, obviously, and my husband was walking up the stairs and I said, hey, Chris, come sit down.

So I have no idea what I signed up for.

I'm gonna rapid fire some questions. And he goes, can I shower first? I said, no, I'm gonna lose my mojo. So here he is. Because I lately, like, I'm constantly telling people about different advice you've given me in order to help them. Weird, right?

Nothing that's weird at all.

I'm kidding.

Because I do the same for you.

That was a joke.

Sorry. Wait, let me laugh.

As if you don't have anything positive to say. Okay. And one of the things that I have been talking to people a lot about that you say is to enjoy yourself in any mood. Like, we'll be on a walk. I'm jumping right into this. We'll be on a walk. And so often I have those times where I'm like, oh, I'm feeling really anxious, or I'm. I'm feeling like, really tired today, or I feel a bit depressed today, or I feel blue. And I'm constantly, like, so much resistance again, against those emotions. Like, I feel bad that I feel them. And then you remind me, like, enjoy it. That's called being a human. So I would love for you just to elaborate a little bit about where that even comes from.

You know, a lot of times I find us having this conversation, even if we're relaxing and you seem anxious, like you want to be doing something or vice versa, when we're doing something, you want to be relaxing. And I guess what I'm always trying to remind you is without this moment, there will be no significance to the opposite moment. I feel like that's what I'm always trying to remind you of. So without the dark, there's not the light. Without the up, there's not the down. Right? All of that. We've heard that before, but it's so true. Without this moment, there's no significance to the opposite moment. So if you're feeling anxious, it's why you enjoy when you're feeling calm. If you're feeling productive, it's also then what defines the fact that you want to feel relaxed at some point. And so, you know, without polarity, there's no definition to anything, quite honestly. And so instead of looking at it in that moment as this stresses me out or this is not how I'm supposed to be feeling, I just feel like you could see the value in it, that, hey, this moment is giving definition to the other moments I want to feel.

That's so good. So I always wonder, like, were you raised that way or was it. And how do I elongate the time of feeling more peaceful? Because, to be honest, like, you know, that I can. I've gotten so much better at it this year. But, you know, historically, throughout our marriage, it's almost like I'm scanning because of maybe how I was raised for, like, what I should be anxious about or what I should be worrying about. So what do you think the difference is? And I believe that I can change my mindset to yours because you've affected me so much. But what. Where do you think that came from that you can just kind of, like, put things into perspective or, like, get back to peacefulness, even when you're really stressed out? Like, I know that you go through periods of stress, but do you know what I'm asking?

I kind of do. I'm looking for a really good answer. Because the first thing that comes to mind is, I'm just really simple. I simplify everything. And actually, to an extent, you do the same thing, too. I think that's one of the most valuable things you do is you explain really cool or complex things in a very simple way. I don't know how to complicate things, and I don't know how to hold on to things. Now, was that in my upbringing? I couldn't tell you. Is it something I exercise or practice? Yeah. I am really intentional about wanting to be happy, and I am really intentional about actions that make me happy. And I think it's that intention day in and day out that makes it easy for me to not hang on to things and makes it easy for me to just be. And makes it easy for me to simplify things or live in a simple moment. I'll give you example. So you know my morning routine because you have a love hate relationship with it. I wake you up, literally, I physically wake you up and say I'm happier, healthier, wealthier, more fit than I was yesterday. And I shake you by the shoulders and I make you say it back to me. And I make you say it until you say it like you mean it. Now that may seem silly, but right after I do that, I roll right back over and I say a 60 second gratitude prayer. Just take an inventory of what I'm grateful for. And it sounds juvenile. If you could hear me in my head and it's every single morning. But look what I did in the first 90 seconds of my day. I chose how I want to see the world. I chose the thoughts going through my mind. And everyone has 90 seconds, right? I mean, everyone has the first 90 seconds to their day. It's a very simple choice to do. And I can't possibly get up on the wrong side of the bed when I start my day that way. Now is that responsible for the whole rest of my day worth of choices?

No.

But it does tilt it in my favor when I start the day that way. To not let other things get out of hand or to not go too far down the rabbit hole. It's almost like I've exercised and developed this muscle to make the small choices, to find the simplicity and the happiness in anything.

And you hadn't always been that way though.

No.

So did it just make sense to you and you were like, okay, I'm just gonna do this or what?

Boy, these questions on the spot are great because it makes me try and figure out where that came from. Honestly, it's okay. Here's a simple answer. It came from all of the self development that we've been doing the past nine or 10 years. Because my first piece of self development ever, I was anti self. It's not that I was anti. That's the wrong term. I just wasn't interested in it right now.

Was it because you just thought you were fine? Because I want people to hear this, like whose partners are.

I thought my view of the world was just fine and I didn't have anything broken. Yeah. And Right. I didn't have anything broken and I didn't have anything that needed to be fixed. And, you know, if I put myself back in those moments 10, 15 years ago, of course I knew I had good days and bad days, and of course I knew I had insecurities and securities. And of course I knew I had things that I wish were better, but I thought everybody did. I thought that was par for the course. Oh, you know what this is. That was my normal back then. I was surrounded by everybody who was not into personal development. I was surrounded by everybody who their normal was currently my normal. So there was no other definition of what it should look like or feel like until we stepped into that world.

And you started seeing people who were like you but doing way more things or doing bigger things.

Yeah. Because in my gut. Right. My intuition always knew that there was more out there for me. When we moved here, remember when we first moved here to California, for those that don't know what here is. So we moved to la, and I'm Midwest born and raised, and I always knew I thought differently than other people, maybe wanted different things than other people, dressed differently than other people back in the Midwest. And this is, by the way, not a condemnation of the Midwest, which I love that I'm from. It's just describing it from my point of view. I never felt like I fit in. I had good friends, they were good people, but I never felt like I fit in. I got out to LA and I was instantly like, oh, babe, we are never going home. And it took you a few months to adjust and see the beauty in la. Me, on day one, I was like, this is where I belong. I get to dress how I want, I get to dream as big as I want, I get to talk as big as I want, I get to be around people doing huge what seem, you know, seemingly impossible things. And I didn't have to be quiet about that anymore because quite honestly, the conversation out here is, oh, what do you do? And how can I help you get there? And how can we collaborate? And it lit me up.

So, I mean, this is going so much a new environment and you and I didn't get to move to. You know, we talk about this all the time, but I want to. I just want to say, you and I did not get to move out to LA when we first wanted to or move to. I didn't even care. It was just like I wanted to move somewhere where there was more sunshine because I was super seasonally affected and we didn't get to go when we wanted to go. So for a lot of People who aren't. They're not going to move. Like, they're not going to move. So how can they start to change their environment and really kind of start creating what we have out here? Because I don't think you need it out here. We've talked about this. Is the weather better? Yes. But could you and I be happy and create something that would keep us, you know, in or around the people that we wanted? Absolutely. We could travel to it. We could connect via Zoom, we could make sure that we're in different coaching things or masterminds, because there's a lot of people who aren't going to be able to relocate, but they travel out.

For the good stuff. Yeah. They plug into it. So I guess here's where you and I may disagree and maybe even I have a skewed version of the world. When you say most people aren't just going to pick up a move out here, my gut reaction is like, well, why not? You know, what are you holding onto? The fact that you've got a really nice home and a really nice yard and that defines you, but you're trading that for six months of really cold, dark weather or people you don't want to be around or dreams that are forgotten?

There are people, though, right now who are like, I actually don't want to.

No, I understand. So I was actually going to break this down into, like, two types of people. There's two types of people, in my opinion, there's the type that absolutely, for great reason, are not going to move, period. So then it's their job to create the best version of their environment where they are. And I can get into that in a minute. But then there's the other half of people that I don't want to enable. I don't want to enable the other half of people who, when they hear people say, yeah, that's right, they're probably not going to move. Just do your best where you are instead of shaking them by the shoulders and saying, hey, to this half of people that actually could leave some things behind and go where they really want to be, wake up and come out wherever it is that you want to be. Because, trust me, I was thinking about this on the run today. It's creepy that you're bringing it up right now. It is easier to thrive in places where everybody else is thriving. And listen, I might ruffle a few feathers here. You may say, oh, maybe I'm not going to publish this episode, but you called me into the room on a whim, so here we go, why wouldn't I publish it? Here's the bottom line. If you want to be healthier, you better surround yourself in an environment where everybody is healthier. If you want to be more fit, you better surround yourself in an environment where everybody's more fit. If you want to more money, you better put yourself in an environment where you feel the pressure to make more money. If you want to think bigger, same thing. No matter what you want, you better go throw yourself into that environment at all costs because it's a game changer. Here's what happens if you don't. You say, oh, I wish I loved my body more. But then because you are in an area and surrounded by a group of people where nobody's doing anything about it to love their body more, there's no pressure for you to do anything where you love your body more. Your finances, everybody. Not everyone. That's a blanket statement. A lot of people wish for a better financial situation, but guess what? If you live in an area where no one's putting pressure on you because all your friends are about the same financial level with about the same size dreams and the same size goals, at least the ones that they feel comfortable saying out loud, then there's no pressure for you to step it up and be better. When I moved out to California, I thought we were doing well financially. When I got here, I realized we were nowhere near in the upper percentage of people who are killing it out here. And that became the pressure that I was actually secretly looking for to take it to the next level, which unlocked the next level. So I hope I'm not going all over the place here. I hope. The point I'm making is there's two halves of people. There's the half that they're not going to pick up and move, and I'm going to talk about what they can do in a minute. But the other half, I'm not going to enable you to stay where you're at. I'm going to shake you by the shoulders and I'm going to say, what are you so damn attached to that is stopping you from making the move you know you really want to make to the area where you're really going to thrive? Because you and I both admit out loud that our lives are significantly better because we moved to the area that pressured us to become better versions of ourselves that we really actually wanted?

It's creating that pressure for yourself. If you don't have it, you have to create your own. You know, it's like choosing your own version of hard. Because life is going to give you hard no matter what and technically you get the first round of choosing what kind of hard you want. And I'm always going to pick the hard that is going to offer us the reward. Otherwise life is going to give you some form of hard that just says hey, if you don't start choosing your version of resistance, life's going to give you some two by four version across your face that's just going to hurt and it's not going to be rewarding.

You're always choosing your pain. So what was I doing five minutes ago? I was downstairs rolling out on the roller and stretching because my legs are in pain from our run that we went on today and my legs are in pain from the workouts that I've been doing with my trainer lately and the soul cycle and everything else except I'd much rather have that pain than the pain from inactivity or the pain from being overweight and unhealthy or the pain from not liking what I see in the mirror. So you're always choosing your pain. Guess what guys? There is absolutely no version of life that is pain free. There's just not. It's a lie. It is a lie. And so you need to choose your pain. Choose the pain that has a payoff. Choose the pain that's productive.

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Now listen, I don't want to get too far into this where we don't go circle back around and talk to the group that absolutely isn't moving. And when we say moving, we don't mean moving to Los Angeles. It's not everyone. What we mean is maybe your desire is moving from that small town to the big city. Maybe your version is moving from that cold place to that warm place. Maybe your version is moving from the place where there's no energy to the place where everybody is hustling and bustling and doing something. Who knows what your version is?

Or maybe it's someone who wants to be out on a huge farm with a ton of horses and create that dream.

Absolutely what's holding you back from actually tearing the band aid off and going to do that? But now, that was the half that we just spoke to. I want to speak to the other half. That is absolutely not going anywhere. It is still their job to create an environment that works in their favor. You say it all the time, Lori. You've taught me that our environment is stronger than our willpower. That is 110% true. So if that is the case, if that is a universal law, then if you're staying put where you're at, it is your duty, it is your job, it is your obligation. No one else is going to do it for you. You must create an environment that lends itself to you thriving more than you are right now. Maybe that means keeping different food around at home.

Can we just. Can we talk about that? 30 seconds. You and I have gotten, like, we have a bunch of leftover chocolate and snacks right now from different masks, masterminds.

And events, gift baskets.

You and I cannot. We have been eating all of it like we're. Today is the day. I'm getting rid of all of it because it's not matching my goals.

Probably why you had to pop that big zit on my shoulder today.

Probably the extra chocolate. You and I, we. We can't. So we have a motto, and we were talking about this. We'll see. We'll see how this goes. But even when we have kids, we're gonna make it so that our treats every day are gonna be that we walk to it or it's gonna be something when we're out, because we don'. That, like, we grew up in, where there were so many treats that we could not keep our hands out of the fridge or the snack drawer. So I'm like. I'm completely changing that because we've changed it for us. We do not keep snack food in the house. We just don't. Otherwise, you and I are all over it, like, certain snack foods anyway.

And even this has something welling up inside of me right now. I know that there's a huge contingency of people saying, oh, just wait till you have kids. We'll see how long that lasts, because that is their reality. Except you and I have created our reality. That is an unrealistic reality until we've created it time in and time again. And so I'm sorry. I'm pushing people to think differently. I know I'm not for everybody, okay? But I am pushing people to think differently about what could their reality be if they made tougher Choices, had stronger boundaries, got more creative, and really worked backwards from here's what I want. Now how do I get there? Because when people say things to us like, oh, just wait till blank, it's going to get tougher, right? Because how many times, whether it's age, whether it's money, whether it's business, whether it's all these things that people have always said that to us, we always end up doing it radically different, way outside the box. It's because we choose to invent our own reality and anyone can. We are not special individuals. You and I are really no different than anybody else. We're pretty simple people. We just absolutely refuse to settle for the norm, to settle for the status quo. It's like this repulsion inside of us, this fire inside of us that won't let us do it. And so we've created unrealistic realities, making them realistic. And guess what? Once we do, we find other people have done the same thing too. It's the weirdest thing.

It's because I know it's just a pattern. And I know that with breaking a pattern, it's going to take some serious. Like you have to keep doing the thing you absolutely don't want to do, or you have to force yourself. I'm not talking about, you know, when we talk about snacks, I'm not talking about healthy stuff or we've got a lot of healthy things in the house, but it's not our triggers, like the things that we know we can't control. We are just so self aware at this point that even when we're picking out dinner spots, I'm like, no, they don't have enough healthy choices for me. And I know that I'll just grab something not healthy for me. And if I want to be a healthy person, these things all add up. It's not that I can't ever do it, it's. It's that if, you know, Chris, you and I, we go to eat three, four times a week. So it's like you have to be so hyper self aware about so many things.

And we do this in every part of our life. And this goes back to the group that I did not want to leave behind, where I say it's your job to create an environment that works in your favor. It's not just food, like you're talking, okay? This goes for relationships if, you know, you hang out with people that are a trigger in your relationship and you end up fighting every time that you go out with them. Stop hanging out with those damn People, if you know that you have a problem with shopping and debt and spending and, and instant gratification from buying things, stop going to the damn mall. Right? Stop putting yourself in an environment that's going to pull you off sides. Food, finances, relationships, self love, everything. Stop putting yourself into an environment that you know is going to invite you or pull you off sides.

And we talked about this a little bit in the Mastermind when people were talking, which we just did this last weekend, when people were talking about they knew they had to make some tough decisions and boundaries in order to reach their goals and their, you know, because we just talked to 40 entrepreneurs who have to go home and, and make some serious changes. And so one of the things that I had mentioned to them because I really wanted to talk about the decisions that we have to make, and it's not that you can't make them. We can always change our life. So really be empowered by that. It's not that you can't make these choices. You can always change your life. It's that it's either too hard, too scary, or too painful. And I, you know, if it's too painful, what I really want you to look at is, especially if it's decisions that you have to make against your family and you're breaking a pattern and you know that your kids are gonna freak out if you pull certain snacks from the house. Yeah, that is definitely going to be painful. But what I want you to do is fast forward down the road to 10 years when maybe you feel super resentful. They're not as healthy, you're not as healthy. You've created this pattern with them that now they can't break a pattern and they really wish that, you know, ultimately that looking back at my childhood, I wish I could have learned how to have a healthy relationship with food.

This goes back to the three layers that you and I taught in Aligned when we designed Aligned, do you remember this? So we said, first you have to choose your beliefs or what you want. And once you've chosen your beliefs, you're not going to be able to keep them unless you create the habits that then reinforce the beliefs. Right? So level two is the habits, but then you're not going to stick to those new habits that are going to reinforce your beliefs if you're hanging around the wrong tribe. So the third level is tribe, and you cannot get where you want to go without having all three of those levels, all three of those individual layers in place. So it's your job to choose the goal and the beliefs, then it's your job to choose the habits that will start to make them happen. And then it's your job to find the tribe that's going to support them. And there's the key that I really want to drive home. Just like you wrote the book on, okay? It is everyone's responsibility to go build a support staff. It is everyone's responsibility to have the two or three or four go to people that in a weak moment, right before you make that weak decision, you can text them, you can call them, you can 911 them and they're going to talk you out of that decision because they know you best. It is your job to stop hiding and to instead start sharing your fears and your weaknesses and your habits and your triggers with three or four people that you know will not put up with that bullshit anymore and call you out on it in a loving way.

You know, that's so amazing. And going back to the it's too, it's either too painful, it's too hard or too scary. I randomly A review popped up when I was sharing my book and I usually don't read all the reviews, but I had read a review that someone had written and they'd given me a three star review, which is totally fine on the book, but they had said I thought this book was going to be for people who wanted to make new friends. And they said it's actually for people who already have relationships in place. And so here's the thing, people are always looking for what or they're always going to find the evidence for whatever they want. Now this is a person who was not ready to take the action steps that I laid out in the first seven chapters of the book on how to start from square one if they did not have friendships yet or did not have friends. And I thought, oh my God, I do this all the time. Like we all, we seek exactly what we'll find. Like they went and got a book on friendships, decided it was too hard and only read the parts or read about the parts or let the parts sink in about deepening connections you already have. Even though in the first seven chapters were all about making original connections. And the reason why they, I'm guessing they wrote that is because it was too hard. It was too hard to reach out to strangers. It was too hard to get rejected up to 100 times like I've written about it was was too hard. So we're always just saying, nope, I'm going to find the evidence of why this was too hard. And why I can't. Or you're going to find the evidence of, oh, my God. Someone just laid out exactly how this person actually created everything she wrote about in this book. And now I'm not. I'm literally not even judging. I'm saying this is a beautiful example of something that I've done in my life many, many times of just saying, you know, it's never that you can't. It's that you've decided it's too challenging for you or too painful.

Yeah, it's so true. Because people will see what they want to see. People will find what they want to find. Right. Everything's always right in front of your eyes, but you only see what supports what you want to believe. And I know people are right now saying, I don't want to believe that I'm unhealthy. I don't want to believe that I'm broke. I don't want to believe. Right. But, no, you do. And I'm not calling you out. I'm saying this to support you, and I'm saying this to maybe wake one or two people up.

We did this.

Yep. We've done this. Everyone does this. Now, you really do want to believe these sabotaging beliefs, because if outwardly you say, I don't want to believe that, but inwardly your choices are still looking away from the things that'll make you make some tough choices, then some way that's serving you by still believing the sabotaging stuff.

Oh, my.

Kris, we did this today. We were literally on a walk. We were on a walk and we said, well, we just. We come from families who have bad genetics. And then we were like, no, we don't. We actually have really. I'm sure we have really great genetics because we looked at, like, our family's health history, and they're pretty darn good. And then we were like, you know what? Our lifestyle lately, because we've been really busy and we've been traveling, has been making it more challenging to stay as healthy as we like to stay. But we caught ourselves doing it, saying, you know what? We just have bad genetics, blah, blah, blah. And we're like, what the hell are we saying? Like, what?

Yeah, everyone's finding the evidence to support what they want to believe in the moment. But how is it serving you? There's the question you have to ask to snap yourself the hell out of this. How is it serving you? By staying in the way that you are staying. Is it getting you attention? Or is it getting you love? Or is it making someone stay around in your life by staying the way you are, how is it serving you? Because when you figure that out, that's when you figure out what to actually release that will allow you to start going and finding other things to believe in a new way of life.

I mean, I know why it served me to believe that today or say it is because I haven't been making healthy choices when I'm in meetings, when I'm on the road.

So it made you feel good to say, well, we have bad genetics, and to blame it on that.

Totally. And now I'm like, oh, yeah, you probably don't need a bowl of spaghetti and gnocchi at the same time while you're trying to serve. Yeah, once in a while you absolutely do. And you guys, I'm just referring to food because I think it's one of the easiest things. And it's something that Chris and I have both, like, had to break some serious patterns on. And it's something that's always in our life every single day.

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There are so many challenges to business that I don't want starting to be one of them for you.

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So one more thing, Chris, that I just think is something that I'm always referring to with you is your ability to just say like when we're working and if I get a move, emotionally connected or emotionally charged by something in our business is for you to be like Lori, it's just business. Like, how do you detach emotions from when your audience says something to you or from when something in customer service comes back that you know you have to make a tough decision on or just kind of like energetically cutting yourself off from something? Because I've definitely seen you upset by things, but it doesn't last long.

It's not that something can't upset me, it's that it does not serve me to be upset over it. So I remind myself instantly that that's the paradigm they're looking through. It's not the paradigm I'm looking through. You see, everyone has their own paradigm.

What about when you feel like it's totally you can't explain your character to them and you're like totally being judged over something.

It's not your job to explain your character. So there's a quote I love. I forget who it's by, but it says your reputation is not your responsibility, your character is. So as long as I know that I am acting within integrity and within character, I do not care what anybody else says. It doesn't bother me.

Okay? So I'm gonna Go even deeper on this, because I've had quite a few women say to me recently that, like, when they decided to charge more because they really needed to, or when they decided to really put themselves out there, a lot of times they get the messages that they. That they don't want the least. Like people saying, oh, yeah, because I know you're a person of integrity. I know you're gonna refund me on this, even though their thing said no refunds, or because I know that, or you're breaking integrity, or I don't think that you have integrity in your business. People literally going for the integrity jugular the second that you decide to do the thing that you were afraid of.

That's because most people know that that's a way to get you to comply with their agenda. They know how to say the most painful thing. Right. Like when you and I argue, I know how to say the most painful things. It's not a good thing. I'm not proud of that. But just like you do to me as well. Well, when somebody's looking for their money back, they know how to say the most painful thing to increase their chances of getting their money back. Except if this is your policy, and if you acted within integrity, if you put something amazing out there, then you are actually acting out of integrity by refunding somebody. When you say that your policy is no refunds.

Yes.

You're actually downright lying. Totally. So if you're really so worried about being seen as a person of integrity, then stick to what you say and do what you say that you're going to do. And in that situation, stick to your policy of whatever your return policy is or whatever your policy around business is.

You know something that I love that Kayla Craft talked about when she was at our mastermind this last week, and she was training on sales and, like, really trying to. To teach people how to charge what they're worth and to really just go and do the thing that you really want to do in order to live your purpose and your passion and to be fully supported energetically by money and to be able to do the thing. Because, I mean, honestly, money's the thing that moves the needle the fastest because you only have one body and a set of hands. Like, you can't do as much work physically. You can't put so many hours in because you still have to take care of yourself and your family and your life. Like, if you really want to move the needle, you can create money, and you have to show up and know that you are Worth a certain amount of money. And that worth is always going to change as well. And something that I love that she was talking about is that there are no set rules on life. Nobody has set a number on you, nobody has set rules, nobody has set boundaries. Like it is all up to you to decide what you're worth. And she says, she sets her, you know, she was really saying that she really sets her value on where does she want to be in two years? Like, what does she want her worth to be in two years? And she has to start living that now because isn't that true? Like life and reality takes about two years to kind of catch up to where your mind and where you think you are or where you want to be. Like when I set dreams, it's like, you know, these big visions. I'll really watch some things happen, happen right away. But I'll kind of see like this two year turning point of where the numbers start to really match, where a lot of different things come to fruition.

Well, it's because it's so arbitrary. So we're choosing these goals, we're choosing our worth, we're choosing our prices, we're choosing whatever it is we're choosing in a very arbitrary way. We kind of look around, we say, okay, what are other people in my life at the place where I'm at right now? What are they charging? Oh, okay, well, I must have to be somewhere in the middle or maybe towards the top if I'm going to be really ambitious. And then we see somebody else online charging 10 times as much and we're like, where did they get off? What a ripoff artist. Oh my God, they're charging 10 times more than all of us are on this thing. Except guess what? People are paying them for it. And when people pay them for it, they are then defining that, yes, that person has value at that level.

Yeah, listen, you guys, this is not just for business owners. This is not just for entrepreneurs. This is for people who are working, you know, at big corporations asking for a raise, asking for a raise. This is like literally we have, you know, when we've had employees and they are doing an amazing job and they know it and they come to us and say, I did this, this and this. I know my value. I know what I'm putting in here. My heart and soul is right here. And here's what I really feel I'm valued at and what I would like to be paid. Can we talk about it? We are definitely going to be talking. We are definitely looking at that value, like, it's so incredibly important. And here's the thing, your employer can always, hey, this is amazing. Not yet, but this is definitely something that I would like to look at in the future. Right?

And the reverse happens. You go into those conversations, you, as the employee, and when you're asking for a raise, when you're asking for a promotion, you undervalue yourself and you settle for less than what you went in there for. Right? And you cannot tolerate that type of lifestyle anymore because guess what? People are willing to give you more than you're asking for. You are self sabotaging yourself with these limiting beliefs. I just did. Did an awesome podcast episode on my podcast that came out last week or two weeks ago on Dakota, when she asked me for a raise. Actually, she didn't ask me. It's her 90 day review. And I said, how much do you want for your raise? I know this seems very untraditional, most people listening, but we do things differently around here. And she said, I want blank. And then I went through this series of questions of, well, why did you ask for that amount? And I'll spare everybody all the questions, but I said, well, I'm actually going to give you twice what you asked for. Now most people are hearing this, are like, why would you give twice the raise that your employee asked for? Because she deserved it and because this was my chance to help her learn her worth so that when she's negotiating on our behalf, because she does a lot of negotiations on our behalf, it'll make her a better negotiator and asking for more in our favor. Right? So I did an entire episode on how to know your worth, how to ask for your worth, and why you are entitled to ask for your worth.

Okay, last thing I'm gonna have you touch on, then we'll wrap people pleasing. Just here's my thing with asking you this, though. I don't feel like you've ever been a huge people pleaser, but you have had like a dash of some serious perfectionism problems, which technically is people pleasing. Fear of not pleasing the right people.

So fear of not being liked.

Yeah, fear of not, which is people pleasing. Right. Like, we all want to be loved and liked. And I actually think people pleasing is the root of majority of why we don't do what we actually want to do, why we stay small. So what do you have to say about that?

Listen, people pleasing comes from the same place that perfectionism and everything else does, and that is the fear of not being liked. But the crazy thing is People like people who stand in their power and know who they are and display who they are. And they're attractive because of this power they're giving off when they stand in their power and act in a way of being the person they truly know they need to be. So when you're trying to please other people, you're actually acting like someone who you're not.

Oh, my God, we just talked about this yesterday. Like, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. No ever. Like, you can't do the wrong thing to the right person either if you're acting out of your truth. Like, if it's truly in your truth and you're not doing something to be like, oh, this worked for them, I'm gonna go say this thing or I'm gonna do this thing because I think it's gonna give me money or whatever. It looks like you are acting out of truly who you are and what you believe.

We have a really unique experience in life right now where we're at. We are at a interesting place in life where we have a lot of people come introduce themselves to us. And a vast majority of them, I can tell, are trying to make me like them, or they're trying to be interesting, or they are trying to people please me. And that's not a judgment because we all do it in one form or another because we all want to be liked. But I can feel it, and it feels awkward. And right away there's something that, that goes off inside of me that says, hey, that's a nice person. I applaud them. But it's not somebody I'm going to collaborate with because they are still in that people pleasing phase of their life. And that's not a powerful phase by any means. Then there's a few people that will come up and introduce themselves and they will have so much value to add or such a unique stance or be standing in their power or even say something that is the opposite of what I believe or bring something up that is the opposite of what I've taught and ask questions around it. And it's those people that I'm intrigued by because they're standing in their power. And I know that they're at another level, a level beyond people pleasing. So here's what I'm trying to teach. The great irony of people pleasers is this. When you're trying to please other people, you're actually not pleasing them at all. It's just a surface smile. When you stand in your power and you are unapologetically you. And then you're just looking for people that, like that version of you. You. That is when everybody shows up.

And, you know, it's the weirdest thing. So for some of you who are like, oh, I'm still a people pleaser, and you know it. Like, hey, there are times where I'm a total people pleaser. And so I'm trying to get out of it. I'm trying to figure out how to be me. And some personalities just don't necessarily bring you out, and that's okay. Like, that is so okay. And it's always, always, always a learning lesson. Like, sometimes I'll get a. And I just, like, clam up, or I feel like I need to, I guess do that, make them like me. And I think that I'm being myself, but I can feel. Well, I don't even think I am. It's like, I almost can't be myself. And I'm like, what's wrong with me?

It's because that person's actually probably not meant to be myself in a significant way. Do you remember when we went to Mindvalley, Croatia, years ago, and we did that incredible experiment where the whole room had freedom to say one of three things?

Awesomeness fest.

Yeah. I feel. What was it? It was, I feel chemistry with you. I don't feel any chemistry with you. Or I'm undecided. I think that was the three things.

Right.

So we had to walk up to a stranger and be like, wow, I really feel chemistry with you. Or, yeah, no chemistry, sorry. Which was really hard, but so empowering instead of trying to fake it. And then the third one is, I'm undecided. I can't tell if I have chemistry with you or not. That exercise was. Was so powerful for me now looking back on it, because it made me realize, wait a second. Sometimes you just don't have chemistry with people, and not everyone is for you, and that is okay. So stop trying to be in that person's life when the chemistry is not natural.

Totally. I know. And we can keep trying to resuscitate it. And you're, like, exhausted, because resuscitation is actually super exhausting for anyone who's done CPR class before. And exhausting. You literally need to, like, tap out and take turns. So that's how it feels. You're like, I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so hard to make this work because everything looks like it should work on the outside. We have so much in common where, you know, it would be easy if we could just connect. But honestly, it's harder because when you have chemistry, even if you are living across the continent from someone, it's still easier. It's still easier. So yeah. Thanks Chris for taking the time before your shower to do this.

My pleasure. I love like just rifting with you like this.

So hopefully you guys found some value. As always, feel free to shoot us any questions on Instagram, in messenger, anything like that. And make sure you share this with a friend if there was anything that you know they are needing to hear, whether it was advice from Chris or as a couple or whatever that looks like.

I've committed to answering every single business question that ever comes in on my Instagram hriswharter, which is a tall task, but. But so far I've loved it because I love learning about other people's businesses. So go shoot me a dm Chris W. Harder.

Awesome you guys. Thank you so much. And until next time. Oh, back to my radio voice. Until next time. Earn your happy everyone. Bye bye. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so thrilled. Glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye bye.