352: Shattering Your Perceptions to Become the Most Powerful You with Aubrey Marcus

To accomplish the things that I've been driven to accomplish and then realize, wow, those accomplishments didn't free me from the prisons of my own mind. I have to free those internally. And they're actually completely independent of my external success.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the show. Today on the podcast, I have Aubrey Marcus. And this was such a good interview. And I'm gonna be really honest, it was a really good interview for me because he is somebody who I admire, but I also had just some questions about some things that I do not necessarily do in my life that he is really, really into and that he swear and the journey that he is on. So for me, this podcast really opened my eyes to what I believed I already did in my life. And that was really trying not to judge other people and trying to judge other people's paths. But what this did for me is it absolutely broke down my preconceived notions about people. It really made me realize why every, you know, everything that people are doing is so important to their path in their journey and that it doesn't have to be right for us to make it right. And this person is so brilliant that I am like beyond grateful for having these conversations. And I want this to be a reminder to everyone just what I'm sharing right now, that sometimes we think that maybe people aren't aligned with us or they're not for us and we're afraid of something. And I think for me, having this conversation about some things that maybe I would not prefer to have conversations about really helped me break down any fear that I have. And now I'm so grateful for this human in my life. I'm grateful for just all of the wisdom and the vulnerability that this person shares. So Aubry is the founder and CEO of onnit, a lifestyle brand based on a holistic health philosophy he calls total human optimization. Onnit is an Inc 500 company and an industry leader with products optimizing millions of lives, including many top professional athletes around the world. He currently hosts his podcast, the Aubrey Marcus Podcast. It's a motivational destination for conversations with the brightest minds in athletics, business, science, relationships, and spirituality. He's got over 10 million downloads on itunes, and he regularly provides commentary to outlets like Entrepreneur, Forbes, the Doctors, the Joe Rogan Experience. He's been featured on the COVID of Men's Health. He's the author of the life coaching course go for your win. And you guys, he has this amazing book. If you have not read it, it is called own the day, own your life. And this man is brilliant. And I know that you are going to absolutely love all of the wisdom that he shares. And he has this incredible podcast, you guys, that I am, like, tuned into and really always intrigued because it really breaks down any preconceived notions, and I'm always learning different things. So get ready for a real raw conversation, and let's get started. Aubrey, I'm so excited to have you on the show. Thank you so much for coming on.

Absolutely. It's my pleasure.

Okay. I feel like I've been, like, you've been in my world, actually, which is so crazy. You're probably not aware of this, but you were doing your book tour at Wanderlust the week before mine, so I kind of felt like we were like, partners in book touring.

Let's just call it we were partners.

We were partners. You were my partner. You may not have known it.

I was like, you're just unaware of it.

He warmed up the joint for me, and now I get to walk in, and it's like all. I was like, it's good. It's all good to be great. So.

That's right. You were the closer. You came in and took care of business.

I don't know what's harder, the opener or the closer, though.

I'm fine being Flavor Flav, you know, just fired up, and then, you know, you can go deliver the goods.

Perfect. So I feel like you have had so much going on since then and just so many different. Different things happening in your life since that time. So I would love just to start, because I already talked about your amazing self and your amazing bio. I would love to know just what's most exciting for you right now.

Life. Living to the potential of what the invitation is to live a life that's happy, that's free from fear, that's spontaneous but disciplined at the same time. You know, having these that juxtaposition of the wild. Freedom to explore what I want to explore, but also the, you know, the dedication to my mission and the way that I want to show up and what I want to accomplish. And it's just kind of finding that balance, but finding it with ease, without the struggle, without the stress, without the doubt, without the needs for validation from external sources. Finding that on the inside, but really just living and being in a way that is, I think, the potential that we all have.

So what's feeling stressful for you right now? Like, where's the. Between that life that you are focusing on and that you're really wanting to really embody? Where's the place that doesn't feel free or that feels stressful right now?

My own mind.

I hear you.

That's. That's where the challenges lie. Because externally, actually, things are great.

Yeah.

The mind can create temporary constrictions. It can create patterns where you will look for external validation, and then that leaves you subjected to forces outside of your control, you know, Or I will feel compelled to do something so that I myself feel worthy of love or worthy of the position that I'm in. And then I'll be kind of enslaved by these ideas, even though I'm doing them anyways. It's not necessarily what I'm doing, but it's how I'm doing it. It's how I'm thinking about what I'm doing. So really, it's a journey to mastering my own mental processes and getting to a place where, you know, I can maintain that baseline level of happiness and joy and, you know, as I said, spontaneity, that ability to just be radically free and myself while doing all the things that I love to do.

Do you think that's possible?

I do.

Okay, tell me, why is that? Why do you think that's possible to maintain that baseline? Or do you think that there's always lessons coming in for us, whether it's through valid or through fear or through stress, to tell us where we need to go next? Like, do you think. Do you know what I'm asking you?

Yeah. And that's a question that I get often. Right. Like, am I. First of all, the most important thing is the process, right? So you can't be too destination focused where you're trying to say, I'm going to get to this thing and everything's going to be all right. Because I have noticed incremental improvement in all of these things. So the incremental improvement, maybe we're not aiming for perfection, but we're Aiming for a level of elevating the baseline consistently. And this obviously goes a little bit like a stock chart where it's up and down, but the trend is definitely trending up towards more freedom, more joy, more ability to look at a sunset and have tears well up in my eyes because it's so beautiful and I'm so present. Or taste that glass of wine and just feel every flavor burst into the cells of my tongue or kiss a lover and have it permeate from my lips all the way down to my toes and feel that radical expression without my mind getting in the way and interfering and wondering and worrying about all the different things that come. So I have felt this incremental shift and then on the higher end of the volatility, on the spikes towards the positive, I felt much greater levels of freedom and enjoyment than I ever have. So the reason why I think it's possible is I think that I'm getting closer to a state, a baseline where, yeah, all right, maybe the, there always be challenges and volatility swings that'll dip me below that baseline. But as we move, as I move forward, I can tell that I'm getting closer to a baseline that represents a lot more of what I'm talking about. And I've seen it before too. I've seen it rarely, but in a few other people. One of my teachers is Don Miguel Ruiz. And you go for agreements, mastery of love. And I watched him in a five day retreat, look at the sunset and as if it was the very first time he ever saw it. And I watched him give every single person a hug as if it was his long lost friend that he hadn't seen, even though it was a stranger or someone that he hugged the day before. And I've watched him carry that through. Yeah, granted it was a five day span, but I watched him carry that consistently through a five day span. I'm lucky if I can get through five minutes or five hours. So if he can do it for five days, presumably he can do it actually for a lot longer than that. So I know that it is possible, it is possible to reach these states where you've kind of undone the bad software programs that we all have in our head. You know, taught to us by a world that loves us for us being special, loves us for the things that we do and validates us for all of these accomplishments rather than the truth of who we are.

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So do you feel personally on your own journey? Because I think sometimes just referring to looking at how I am always seeking freedom like that as well. But I've found that it's challenging for me to say that without having sought the validation and being able to have accomplished things for myself, but also understanding that that validation isn't everything. Do you think it's important to seek the validation that a lot of people are wanting in order to understand that you need to then undo it?

That is interesting because it certainly tends to be the conventional wisdom and tends to be something that I've noticed. Like you may think that buying a really fancy car is going to make you happy. And can you realize that buying that car won't make you happy unless you've bought the car? That is a very interesting question because most of the time you have to buy the car and maybe buy actually more than one car, you know, until you realize, like, wow, I got a whole fleet of Bentleys, and none of them, all 50 of them, did not make me happy. So at that point you realize, actually buying cars doesn't make me happy. It has to be something that comes from within. But sometimes you do need to buy that car, but I don't. I think that humans do have the ability to learn from others and do have the ability to release things in your imagination without actually achieving them. It's maybe a little bit harder, it's easier to recognize to get the thing that you think you need and then realize, oh, that wasn't really the thing that I needed. That's definitely a little bit easier and definitely has helped me to accomplish the things that I've been driven to accomplish and then realize, wow, those accomplishments didn't free me from the prisons of my own mind. I have to free those internally. And they're actually completely independent of my external success. But, you know, I do hope, because that's a. That's a tough thing to say, that everybody who thinks that making money is going to make them happy, you know, not everybody's going to be able to make money. So that would mean that it would be only a select few. Or if, you know, all the people that think a Bentley is going to make them happy, all of them have to get a Bentley to realize that it won't make them happy. Well, there's not enough Bentleys in the world to actually do that. So I do perhaps optimistically, but believe that you can learn from others, you can release things without actually achieving them. But you have to have enough people, enough mentors, enough other social proof around you where you actually believe it without having to physically experience it.

What's the one main thing for you that you feel like you achieved that you were wanting so bad? That was maybe a massive goal that you achieved. And then you were like, hmm, that definitely wasn't it. Even though I thought it was gonna be it. Is there one that really stands out for you that you just thought was gonna make you feel a certain way or you thought was going to give you what you wanted?

Well, I think I could say every single girlfriend that I've ever had, you know, like, you think, oh, if I get. If I get with this person, everything is gonna be good and all of the I'm gonna feel great and everything's gonna be perfect. Or so that's one of them. You know, being successful financially was another one. Being having a high level of physical performance was always something that I thought would give me, you know, the kind of physical confidence. And all of it, you know, all of it is. All of that is good. I'm not knocking doing any of those things. Finding the part, finding the partner that you want, being successful in what you want to do. It's never what you're doing, It's. But it's why you're doing it. And, and realizing for me that none of those things actually solve all the problems. They can be fun and it's a good challenge and they can put out good things in the world and you can learn and all of that's great. But literally everything that I've achieved hasn't yielded the promise of freedom. And if freedom and who I truly am is my goal, then I'm very rapidly realizing there is absolutely nothing outside of my own internal processes, my own internal work, my ability to foster my own self love and my own self worth and my own internal internal validation, irregardless of anything else that's happening outside of me, that's ultimately it. So honestly the answer. There isn't one thing. It's everything.

What's happened this year that feels like it's freed a part of you that wasn't free last year. Maybe just a lesson or something that you've gone through or something that you're going through right now.

Well, in this past year, not necessarily 2019, but in the past year, it was one of the more challenging years of my life. I got in a really bad car accident actually, where inexplicably I passed out and my brain just shut off in the middle of the day. I slept well, I rested well. I was going to do a podcast. There was no reason that I should have, in the middle of a sunny day, fallen asleep at the wheel. I don't. I can't even fall asleep during a movie.

Yeah.

You know, like, I've never. Like some people can fall asleep like that. So it wasn't even falling asleep. My brain just shut off and I crashed into a guardrail. Guardrail cut through my car, split the side of my face. And I woke up in the hospital. And from that experience, I learned a lot. And one of the things I learned is I was largely incapacitated. And I've been fortunate enough. I haven't had any. A lot of major injuries in my life, but I was incapacitated for pretty much two weeks where all I could do was heal. Heal my face, heal my body. And in doing so, I couldn't really do anything for anybody. I couldn't do anything for work. I couldn't do anything. And it was really a lesson that everybody still loves me and I can still love myself even if I'm not doing anything. And it was a heavy price to pay to learn that lesson, but so worth it, you know, just for that lesson alone that I'm worthy of love without doing anything. And it's okay for me to be just taken care of and that's. That's okay. I don't need to be the one that's providing. Be the one that's taken care of and be the one that's killing it in the gym and be the one that's doing all of these things to receive love and to be worthy of love.

Wow. What was that even like? Like that narrative in your head when you were feeling like you weren't able to help in the way that you wanted or you weren't able to be there for people or how. How did you actually get through that on the day to day when you were laying there?

I really didn't have as much of a choice. Right. Like, it was such a significant and severe event that I didn't have the option to do a little bit. You know, like, I couldn't. I really couldn't do anything. So that forced me to then go directly to the internal process, because if you can even get by a little bit, then you can kind of say, well, at least I'm doing this, and you can kind of shift your point of focus to the things that you're able to do. And not actually take the full force of the lesson, but when it is that severe and that extreme, it forces you to take all those arrows and point them back towards yourself and say, okay, what's going on here? And fortunately I was able to do that because of some of the work and the understanding that I had had already prior. This was just the test that allowed me to put that into practice.

So what is something that you've taken from that that's just made you live at another level that's even more rich? I know you explained shared some stuff, but what is like the overarching kind of theme from that that's made your life even more rich? Or maybe something that's opened up that wasn't open before?

I mean, I think it continues to unfold and I start to track. There's an equation of I have to do X to receive X back. I have to show up in this way or people aren't going to love me anymore. It's releasing that. And that can be from a friend. Let's say a friend comes into town, into Austin and I'm just crazy busy and I need to rest and I'm too tired to entertain. Like it's feeling comfortable being like, hey man, I love you and I'm so glad you came to Austin and I wish I could spend more time, but it's not the right time for me. And usually that would cause me like a lot of internal turmoil and stress and I would force it, I would do it anyways and then I'd come back and be even more exhausted and maybe even a little bit resentful that I went actually and did that thing. I'm feeling more comfortable relaxing and being like, hey, you know, this is what's going on. And just being radically honest about it and trusting that they're not going to be like, oh, fuck that Aubrey guy, you know, like he didn't even come out. And you know, trust that. And if they are like that, well, that's their story and that's okay. By just being really in trust that I can honor myself and that everything will be okay.

Okay. So for people who do a lot of which I love following you because I feel like you do so much random stuff that I love learning about. So you're one of my people that I feel like I can actually learn from and don't have to actually do the thing sometimes. So thanks for doing that.

Excellent. Yeah, I don't recommend the car crash path of, of learning. Like, please take my word for it.

I'm just gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from that one. You actually remind me so much of my really good friend Danette May, who I we always, we joke because I swear she like, loves to go in like we call them these dark caves or these caverns and we're like, yeah, report back. Report back what you learned when you.

Get out of there.

Like, she'll go straight for the darkness. She'll go straight for the challenging thing. She'll go straight for the thing that most everyone doesn't want to do and will report back. And I love to, number one, be the person who gets to learn from it. But number two, I feel like you are one of those people. So for you, what's been one of the things this year that maybe you are or just right now in your life that you are exploring, that you're kind of like, oh man, I'm going in.

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Well, I mean, if I'm, if I'm being honest and for anybody who's followed my journey, obviously open relationship has been the most challenging thing that I've ever had to deal with. And I've done a lot of really challenging plant medicine ceremonies from a Boga to Ayahuasca. I've put and really challenging physical endurance and exercise experiences and challenging speeches in front of large audiences and venues and all of that. But nothing has come close to the depth of the emotional work that I've had to do in really entering this open relationship and then actually seeing the culmination of what has happened over the past year. I actually joke that, you know, let me tell you about the fifth hardest thing that happened in 2018. That was my car wreck, you know, and number one, two, three, and four were all based on, you know, the open relationship. So I've been with my partner Whitney for seven years. Five of those have been open. And really this past year has been kind of the flowering of her ability to find people who she really connected with in a deep way. And she's really deeply in love with another partner for the first time. And that's really been a challenging opportunity for me to understand how much validation of my own specialness, you know, how much validation I was getting from being the one that she loved the most, being the one that was. I was always trying to be a little better and compare myself to everybody else and validate myself based upon that comparison rather than just trusting that our love is what it is. It's wild, it's beautiful, and it doesn't need to be compared. And it isn't lessened by the fact that she deeply loves somebody else. But that's a very, very challenging path because so much of my own self worth was wrapped up in being the one that she loved the most and being, you know, special in a certain way. You know, her deeming me special either by her, you know, sexual desire for me or her love. And both, they may sound similar, but they're a little bit different. Like, they're both slightly different challenges from different validation points. Like knowing trying to believe that I was the one who was special with her in the bedroom made me feel like, wow, I'm. I'm sexually validated. I'm validated as a sexual male because I am her favorite, you know, and so having to like, release that and be like, well, I'm just one of her favorites. And then it's like, damn, am I okay with that? And then not being okay with it and then realizing, I guess I am okay with that.

Oh, my spiral.

It'S been really hard. And then also. So I kind of got through some deep challenges with that at the start of the year and then when she was now that she's deeply in love with her other lovers and that there is no idea that I'm the one that she loves the most anymore. I'm the one that she loves uniquely because it's me. And it is special in a way, because it's us. But it's not greater than. It can't be compared than realizing that am I okay? You know, not being the one that's deemed special, not being the one that elicits the most love from the person that I love. And I love other people too, so I can get it from my side, but it's always harder when you have to deal with it on your own side. So that's been a lot of challenging work. And it's brought me and Whitney to actually the most love that we've ever had, which is counterintuitive. People think of love like a pie. And if you take off half the pie, you have less pie. But really the pie is infinite and it just expands. And any slice of that piece can be as big as a thousand other small pies, you know, so because of the infinite nature of love itself, you know, the. That has been the deep, dark cave, like you're like your friend goes in. Open relationship is the deepest, darkest, emotional cave that I've ever experienced.

I can't imagine.

Literally.

I have so many. I'm sure these are so many questions that you have already gone through. I'm pretty sure you've probably done your list a million times over. Do you think as to where you are right now, this will always be your path? Does it feel like your path to freedom? Or does it, you know, does it feel like the path to an answer of yes, I'll always be open? Or does it feel like an open ended? I don't know.

I know what I know for sure. Let's start there. What I know for sure is that it was an essential path to have taken to allow me to release my own necessity of validation from another person for my own, you know, sexual veracity capability. Me being, looking at myself and loving myself as a sexually viable male human. Which I think something that we all want to be like a sexually desired, viable, proficient, you know, and requiring the validation from another person, like open relationship was going to be the only thing that could actually crack that hard enough for me to realize. Like, no, actually I can just trust that who I am in the full totality of my expression, in the act of lovemaking is always, is only the best that I can do. And while it may be unique, it shouldn't be compared to anything, nor does it need to be validated by anything else. So could I have gotten there without open. Nope, I couldn't have. I just couldn't have done. I did all the plants, I did all the things. I've done all the reading. I've done all the. Read all the books, you know, read. Mastery of love. I get it in concept. But actually having. Being forced to do it has been a different thing. And then understanding that same thing about love, that I don't need somebody else to love me the most to love myself, you know, like, I don't need that. And I wouldn't have been able to get there without being in open relationship. So had. Did I need this? For sure, I did. I did. If I want to be free, and I want to be free from all of these external sources, I needed this relationship to be exactly as it was and be as challenging as it was so I could learn those lessons. Now, have I completely learned the lessons? You know, no, probably not. But I've learned the majority of those lessons, and I feel more free than ever in all my relationships and all my ways of thinking. It's been massively liberating to get by, at least the majority of that. And I'm continuing to learn. So I know that it's continuing to be a productive process. But let's fast forward to a point where I've really, truly learned all those lessons, learned the lessons of open relationship, and maybe those lessons continue and keep going. But let's say I've learned enough. I can hypothesize a point where I said, you know, I've learned all of the lessons of open relationship. And like a hero's journey, I decide, having learned all of these, you know, actually, a monogamous container feels good now, you know, I've learned so much about myself. I've learned so much about communication and the necessity for truth and the dangers of validation and, you know, the pitfalls of jealousy. And I've learned all these things, I would for sure go ahead and try, you know, just being with one person. But I think I would always be open to the idea that if either myself or my partner was like, hey, I'd really like to go explore something with this person. It's really interesting to me. I would never see myself saying, no way, don't do that. You know what I mean? Like, I would always be open to that phone call, like, hey, I met somebody. I'd really like to Explore this and be like, okay, yeah, sure. Beautiful. You know, so I think it would be. I could see myself in any relationship framework, but I wouldn't see it as inflexible. I would see it as always, like, yeah, you know, like, I'm always going to be okay with that. And I would want my partner, you know, which I hope and believe will be Whitney, to feel the same and allow me that freedom as well. So that we could be in a monogamous container, but decide to release the boundary for a little while to explore it.

So in the beginning, did that put pressure on you when you would. I mean, there's a part of me that would be like, you still want to. Man, this is just. It's throwing me down my own spiral. Okay, so the pressure of, like, wanting to be loved or wanting to make sure that you're still loved by that person, did it make you raise your game, or did it feel like pressure, or did it actually help you become a person who could be a better partner? How did that feel?

A thousand percent. Because it teaches you to be happy for your partner's happiness. The only way out is to be genuinely happy for your partner's happiness. So we have a word for being with someone in their suffering. The etymology of compassion, passion, being suffering, compassion, meaning with suffering. We have a word for that. That word's been around. You can look it up on any dictionary and you'll get it. I'm with you in your suffering. But there's another word that's actually a recent word and doesn't even have. You know, you're not going to find it in Webster, and it's called compersion. And that's with someone's pleasure. I'm going to be with you in your pleasure. And that, I think, is actually even a far more valuable pleasure. Exciting and interesting and fun trait to have is to actually be able to be with somebody in their pleasure. And that if conversion and compassion, of course. But compersion is also a component of your relationship where you're just stoked that your partner's having a good time, whether that's sexual pleasure, emotional pleasure, physical pleasure, mental pleasure, spiritual pleasure. No matter what, you're just happy that they're experiencing happiness and love and the possibility of this life. And that's what this has taught me. And that would apply to any relationship and every relationship I have because we get very possessive about these certain things. You can be, you know, you could be a personal trainer and be jealous that your partner is going to another personal Trainer. You could be a. You know, there's so many different ways. Places that we try to get validated by our partner, but we're not just excited for them being excited, you know, and lovemaking and sexuality is the one that's the most thorny and the most filled with briars and the hardest to reach conversion to. So, you know, that's something that this has taught me. That's invaluable.

Man, as you're talking, like, I've had so many just jealousy or comparison things with friends or with girls because I didn't really have female relationships growing up. So. So much of that, I can even say has been so healed by me just literally learning how to celebrate, like, celebrate so hard when things go right, like, and sometimes, especially if it's something that you want or you. You know what I mean, you've been working towards. It's like, all right, how can I celebrate this so hard? Like, it's my own. So that's been a really beautiful. It's just something like you said, you can lay over everything.

True. Truly. And there's practices, so I've had to develop practices for that. Right. So compersion is really hard, especially when it comes to your partner being with another lover. It's a particularly challenging thing. So the full way to do it is a little bit like the Buddhist loving kindness meditation, where you actually, in a meditative state, put yourself in a position where you foster and you generate love for not only the people you love, but also the people that you have the hardest time loving. And you go through this mental meditative practice of loving even your enemy. And that is a loving kindness meditation. While the conversion meditation is actually placing yourself as your partner, placing yourself as your partner's lover and actually going through with your imagination in your psyche in this kind of meditative state, going through the pleasure of the entire experience and feeling it, like feeling the pleasure as Whitney, feeling the pleasure as her boyfriend Ricky, feeling how exciting it must be to come together and explore new things together and have that passionate, connected relationship and just allow myself to actually, from the place where laughter comes from deep, allow that pleasure to actually fill myself up. That takes work, and that takes some time. And you got to create some space for that. And sometimes things happen fast, you know, like, text message will come or something will happen. You'll see something quiet. So I realized that a shortcut was just when I see something like that, I just start going, yes, yes. And like, forcing myself to smile and celebrate it and create like a little Temporary shortcut. And then if I need to go dive back into it later.

Oh, my God, I love that.

So.

What part of you from when you were. Is there a part of you from when you were younger or growing up that you feel doing this work is kind of. Of just healing or filling that. Filling that void that you've needed? Or was there something missing or did something happen when you were younger that kind of made you need to go through this work right now?

Well, I think we all have different patterns that we develop and different soft spots that, you know, no matter how good or challenging your childhood is, there's different elements that are going to be your personal journey to work on. Sometimes that's going to be issues around money. You know, I know people who have a lot of issues that come up around money. That's not one of my, you know, home turf issues. That's been a real problem. Both sides of my family had a pretty abundant kind of mindset surrounding money. So I'm pretty comfortable with that, you know, and I'm comfortable with having it and I'm comfortable not having it because I'm confident that I'll have it again. And I can give it away pretty freely. And it's not something that's. That's challenging. But in the kind of sexual validation side, I think there was in physical prowess in general. I had three older stepbrothers and a stepdad who were all football players and wrestlers and bigger than me. I was kind of a scrawny basketball player. And they were always bigger than me and seemingly tougher than me and also more voracious than me. And so there was obviously the normal thing that happens when you're the little brother and three older brothers. And I was also of a different father. Father was nothing like my stepfather. You know, he was a commodities trader, very cerebral. And so I think there was always a feeling like I was never masculine enough. I was never manly enough. I was never. I was never manly enough to actually have a girl. Love the animal. That was me. Because there was always going to be someone like my brothers who's always going to be tougher and bigger and stronger. So it's driven me not only towards that path of, you know, reaching the fruition of what my physical capability is, but also needing to validate myself sexually, to say, like, hey, look, I am a man. I told you guys all along. I really am. Even though I was never in football, I was. I'm still a man, you know, and so I think that was one of the deep Patterns that I had had to overcome.

What are some of your just daily rituals right now that you're feeling? You have to lean into the most to support yourself around that feeling of freedom.

I think for me, it's one of the things that you notice is that energy levels matter, you know, so when you're tired or when you're sick, that's when it's way easier to be overrun by jealousy. That's when it's way easier to feel insecure. It's when all of the work that you've been doing becomes harder. Oh, my God. So probably the most important practice I have is taking a 30 minute binaural beat kind of recovery period, which is somewhere in between sleeping and meditating. But it kind of drops me into a theta state, and I get to really restore my body and mind. And if I can do that every day, it kind of rejuvenates me. And I have that kind of internal confidence and fire that I can kind of ascend to these higher levels of consciousness. It's easier for me to reach, you know, be in compersion rather than in jealousy. So it's really being mindful of supporting myself energetically has been probably the most important thing.

Oh, my God. Yes. When I don't sleep or when I'm not eating well, like, I'm a completely different person. My willpower is, like, down.

So down.

Yeah.

Yeah. It puts universal pressure on all of the work that you've been doing.

So for you, what do you think are your gifts? Or would you say the things that you've, like, really mastered, like, what do you think you are really good at and good at teaching and why?

Well, I think really the. One of the things that I try, I think when it comes to teaching, the most important part of teaching is being and allowing people to see you being. Because it's one thing to teach. There's that old saying, you know, those who can't do, teach. Right. Like, and this kind of a commonly accepted idea that a lot of the psychologists and psychiatrists were actually trying to solve their own problems. Right. But instead they're teaching others on how to solve their problems. And I think the biggest, you know, kind of thing that I can provide and when I know that I'm doing my best is when I'm just being really honest and just being really vulnerable and really truthful about what's going on with me. You know, I don't try to project myself as a teacher or project myself as, you know, anything of that nature. I just allow people to see me as I am and share my thoughts as they are and share my lessons, you know, the hard ones, the successes, the failures. And I think that's something that all of us can do. You know, that's something that we all have the ability to do, but we all have a lot of shame. You know, we try to. We want. We believe that we need to be perfect. We believe that we need to have it all figured out and have everything sorted out, you know, and. And that's never the case. No, it doesn't matter who you are. I mean, I'm around some of the highest performers and top athletes in the world. Nobody's got it figured out. Everybody's got stuff they're working on. You know, they may have their niche figured out. They may know how to clear their mind and enter the octagon and perform in a seamless, no mind state. But can they not get triggered when they're in their relationship with their girl and are they ashamed about that and what else is coming up and can it be honest and, you know, everybody has the stuff they're working on. I think the real medicine perhaps that I can provide is just trusting your truth and trusting that being and looking at your truth shamelessly and acknowledging everything that's coming up for you and just sharing that. Just opening the shutters to the windows into your heart and soul and mind is probably the best service that we can provide anybody.

So for what you do, everything that you do, just the rate at which you have to perform, along with all of the things that you're doing in your personal life and all of the things that you're working through, what do you do? When do you compartmentalize? When you are needing to maybe push something in business or when you have a goal that you want to reach, how do you kind of call on or demand that performer part of you to come out? When there is maybe, you know, the human side, like the. Maybe there's some shame over here or maybe there's some regret back here. Maybe shit is going down in your relationship. Like, how do you switch modes? Because I think a lot of people are like, well, this is going on in my life right now. And they think they can't do the other part of their life. So what's something that you use that's interesting?

Because for me, I think there's just a kind of an innate quality that if there's something that I know I should do and I know that I really need to do it, like I need to show up, I'M going to do it, and I'm going to do it regardless of how scared I am, regardless of how tired I am. If I need to do it, I'm there. And I may not want to do it, but I'll do it anyways. And I think that's just a kind of. It's almost like an ethos. It's almost like part of my warrior ethos. Like, I'm gonna show up. No matter if I'm limping in, wounded in the heart, wounded in the psyche, I'm gonna show up and I'm gonna give you all my best. I mean, you mentioned the book tour at the start, and that was actually. The book tour happened to coincide with the crux of probably one or number one or number two of my deepest emotional challenges of the year. And that was when Whitney, you know, took on a new lover. And that lover was particularly challenging for me. And I would. There was times where I was in the hotel room, you know, I had a. Especially my launch event in New York or la, or one of the events where I was in the room and I was crawling around on the ground, like, not knowing if I needed to vomit or cry or. And I ended up praying, and I don't pray that often, but it was actually really valuable. I got some amazing help and insight, I think, just from the sheer, you know, vulnerable humility by which I was asking for help from the universe. But the next day, you know, when I had to show up at the Strand and I had to deliver my message, you know, I showed up and I just brought everything I had and gave the audience everything I had, even though I'd been in an emotional wreck for the day prior. And it's just the willingness to be like, all right, this event, there's people showing up for this event. I'm launching my book. I care deeply about my book. I'm going to go anyways. And that's just kind of my code. It's my code that I will do that. Now, does that mean that I won't push off other stuff, that I won't, you know, let other things go and that I don't need to do, you know? Yeah, for sure. You know, sometimes the relationship and my emotional struggle will take priority, and I'll actually come to work, and instead of actually working, I'll spend the whole day talking to my friends when I probably should be working, but it's actually okay if I don't, because I can catch up later, you know, so it's not like I have this regiment of. I can't create the space, but I do know and trust that if I need to show up, if I need to be there, if my company needs me, if my purpose needs me, if somebody else in my family or tribe needs me, you know, I'll be there. And. And that's just my code.

Where do you think that came from? Because has it been. Has it been always in, like, little Aubrey, or did that happen, like, along the way?

I think it's something that some part of me always had. You know, it was something that. Like, when I watched Braveheart for the first time, I think I was. You ever watched that movie?

Oh, yeah.

All right. So I was, like, 12 or 13. And. And, like, movies like that move me the most deeply. It's when someone is willing to sacrifice themselves for a greater cause. Like, I can't tell you how profound that movie was for me when I was 12 or 13. Like, I've probably watched a movie 50 times. 300 the same. You know, like, Braveheart is probably accepted as a better film than 300, but 300 elicits the same thing. It was 300 Spartans that said goodbye to the ones they love to hold the space at the Hot Gates when an army that they knew were going to kill them would be there. And Leonidas goes and stands in the front and leads that and shows up regardless because it's for the good of his country. Like, that idea has always inspired me so greatly that. All right, so there may not be the Hot Gates, but there's a greater mission at play. There's a value at play. And I think just my natural affinity to that has always been there. And it just gets, you know, modeled inflamed and inflamed and practiced. So, you know, I just kind of. I think in some ways, I've always had it. And it's just been strengthened by my continuing. My continuing to accept. And it doesn't mean I don't waver, and it doesn't mean I don't doubt myself. Doesn't mean I don't feel so small that I could fit in the size of a shoe. And I don't know if I can show up, but I will, you know, and that's. Whenever there's a crisis in the company or something they have to do or anything, you know, I'm gonna do it. And. And I guess, you know, I guess that maybe that developed around the time of Braveheart or maybe it was always innate or maybe it's always a part of us, you know, a Part of everyone. I'm not really sure, but it's certainly been something that I've been more and more aware of as time has gone on.

So you guys heard it here. We're owing it all to Braveheart, so go.

Yes. Yes.

I think it happened when I watched Braveheart, and actually, that might have been sort of similar to my story. Okay. Aubry, I'm so grateful for you. I literally could ask you questions all day, so you're really good at it. Well, thanks.

I have a lot of such a good podcast.

Yeah, I'm just, like, beyond grateful and truly, I. I'm just watching everything you're doing, and you're one of those people who I get to learn those lessons from. So thank you for going in the dark caves so that I can just be like, hey, that looked terrible, but thanks. I wanted to learn that.

And I'm kind of ready. I'm kind of ready for the real sunny beaches rather than the dark caves. I spent so long in the dark caves in 2018. But it's just my nature. It's just my nature. See a dark cave, I head towards it because I do fundamentally believe there's a place that is beyond the dark caves.

And you know what?

That's what I'm going for.

I love that. And it is. You get some beach time so you can recover and do that again, because you need.

No doubt, I am good at the beach time.

Yes. You need a tan for when you go in there. It's going to be great. All right, where can we find you? Where can we follow you? And you have an amazing book.

Yeah. So the book really covers the entirety of the holistic practices you can to support yourself energetically, support your mindset, support your body, support your nutrition, support your fitness goals, support your stress levels. And it's called own the day, own your life, support your sleep. It's been an amazing success and I've gotten just unbelievable feedback from that. So own the day, own your life, get it on Amazon, get it on Kindle, get it on audiobook, Audible. I actually read the audiobook too. So you'll get to hear me read my own words, which is always, I think, cool when the authors way better. And then, yeah, follow me on social, you know, and my podcast. So at Aubrey Marcus on Social, Instagram's probably my biggest platform. And then the Aubrey Marcus podcast.

Well, thank you so much. I'm following you on all of those beautiful.

You're killing it then. Oh, I also have a really cool newsletter where every week I share kind of the most vulnerable things that have happened with me and everything that's kind of coming on. And I don't send out a lot of marketing emails or anything like that. It's pretty much just a once a week update from what I'm going through that week. So if you go to my website, AubreyMarcus.com, you can sign up for the newsletter and get a little peek into the windows of what's going on with me.

Amazing. And again, beyond grateful for you. And thank you so much for your time today. And you guys, if you if you loved this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it with your friends. Like text it right now. Until next time, earn your happy everyone. Bye bye. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys.

Bye bye. Sam.