353: How did you find a partner who was aligned with you?

When you take care of your dharma, which is obviously your like, life's mission, your life's purpose, your dharma will take care of you. So always take care of the mission. Always take care of what you're here for. And the rest is going to work out, even your relationships. Because then you'll be the lighthouse. You'll be the person who attracts. Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love of junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and earn unapologetically. Rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Good morning, Evan.

Good morning, Lori.

How are you?

I'm just great. How are you?

This is actually the first time I looked at you. I know you guys. So she comes in at 7:30 in the morning, which to me, I wake up at seven, so it's like 30 minutes before I see you. I don't really get to do my priming. Yeah, I don't know what that is, but. But you look beautiful in that pink angora sweater. Thank you so much. I've got a story about a sweater exactly like that. What is it? Tell me. So when I first met Chris's family, I had a sweater. I mean, it was identical to that sweater except. Oh, it was cropped. Yeah. And we know that you're working your way up to a crop top.

Yeah, I'm cutting a layer like a inch at a time off this sweater.

Okay, so when do you think it'll be officially cropped?

2032.

Awesome. Perfect timing in your life.

Yeah, I'll look great then.

Grandma cropped up. Wait, that's not that far away. Oh, yeah, I don't think you'll be a grandma yet. It just sounds so far in the future in 2032. I was like, we won't be here. We better be here. We're definitely gonna be here. So I had this like cropped sweater on that really just went to my belly button. Like that's not very cropped. And then I had some pants on that just showed maybe a quarter inch of my skin.

Yeah.

And I go, a family get Together with his family. And his grandma comes up and I'm meeting her for the first time and I'm like, hi, how are you? And she gives me a hug and like looks back at me and she goes, where's the rest of your shirt? That was the first thing she said to me and I pretty much just wanted to die. Oh my Lord. Okay. She's like, we're in cahoots now.

Right.

But took a little while.

Yeah. I mean if you're a grandma, that's just stuff that comes naturally.

I was like, I guess you just don't know who Britney Spears is, you know? Or maybe you do.

Furry crop tops were very in.

Oh my God. Along with the butterfly.

The butterfly and the butterfly clips. Did you ever have those in your hair?

No, I didn't.

Oh, they're really cool.

But I wore the skanky butterfly top. Love it. Crop tops. I was like, I am a sexy monarch. Yeah. All right. And then I would proceed to drink a lot of shots. That was year 2000 and no, that was 19. No, I don't know. My 2000s. Yeah, it was early.

It was a good time.

It really was. How are you doing? You know, I'm great. Let's see. I. I've been having weekends which has been so incredibly awesome. That's been so fun. Learning guitar, going to all sorts of different. Just like wandering around la which is so fun because there's so many different things in la. Yeah. Just doing like normal people stuff which is so insanely fun. I've never done that.

No, it's really nice to do those things. Just recharge.

Oh my. Amazing brunch spots and like going to SoulCycle with friends. Yeah, it's been so awesome. How about you? What, what, what happened this last weekend? Do you remember?

Yeah, it was great. I went on a bazillion hikes and one of them was with two girlfriends and we. It was just such. It's so nice to go on walks with friends.

It's the best.

It's the best thing.

I feel like, like you're. You really get to a place that you wouldn't get to conversation wise. When you're just usually sitting across from someone. There's something about moving your body but also being like side by side with people I think opens up sometimes a women love like face to face as well. But I do think that sometimes side by side can be a little friendlier approach. They always talk about how men like when men talk and when fathers talk to their sons, like they actually sit Side by side on the couch. Because there's something, like, more approachable about not being so face to face. So kind of interesting. If you're like a. A nervous or anxious person, that might be the approach. You might want to go on walks if you have tough stuff to say.

And then you can just be like, look at that tree. When you don't want to talk anymore.

Right? Or you could be like, I gotta pee when you don't want to talk anymore. Or you can just like. Like, if you're at Runyon, you can just like, kind of dodge down the canyon, be like, oh, there's a porcupine I to catch a picture of.

Bye.

All right. You have your quote?

I do.

Let's hear that.

It's from that guy, Sean. Is it? Acor.

Aor. AOR Obsessed.

He is so great. He said there's nothing wrong with having future goals or ambitions. But if you're constantly looking for greener pastures, you'll never see the beauty of the ones you are currently in. Ooh, that's good stuff.

Isn't that so true? I like. I feel like I'm always learning that. Me too. Right. When you think you're there, you learn it again, Right.

I'm listening to his book on Audible and it's really good. It's called the Happiness Advantage.

I love that book.

It's so good.

That was one of my favorite books for a really long time.

Everyone should listen to it.

Really should. If you have not heard it yet. It's one of the best books because don't you just love nerding out to the science in it too? And you're like, see, I told you this is why you should be happy.

Right? And it's like he. I like when he talks about the people who injected with the cold virus, the two groups, and the happier people who got better quicker or totally dodged the cold.

Oh, my God.

Isn't that interesting?

That is so amazing. There's the other. I believe it's in that book. If it's not in that one, it's. I think it's in his other one where he talks about the project where they put all of the older people in a home that was. This is sounding familiar.

Well, I'm only on like, chapter two.

Okay. It was like in a home that was decorated in, like, everything from, like, their past. So like from the 40s or 50s or something like that. And they weren't allowed to speak, like, in modern day. Like, nothing about modern. They weren't allowed to watch TV shows From anything modern. It was literally all from the time frame when they were younger. And, like, they took their blood samples before they went in, and then they took the blood samples after they had spent, like a week in this house where they were, like, pretending to be younger, speaking like they were younger, watching younger TV shows, dressing younger, and all of their blood levels changed and they came out, like, healthier.

It's just so interesting what a little shift can do.

So, yeah, we're just. We're just gonna be talking like, we're 12. Yeah. We'll be like, we wanna change our blood platelets. And what's cool about that book, too.

Is he's like, not trying to say that you have to be happy all the time.

Totally.

Which is good.

Yeah. You know, I. I think that's like the theme of this podcast, questionably awesome is you can be questionably awesome some of the times.

Yeah.

With an emphasis on the questionably. And then can be super awesome. So my quote, I literally have three in front of me, but I think that we will go for the. This one.

Okay.

This is Wayne Dyer. Self worth comes from one thing. Thinking that you are worthy. That's it. Oh, that is it.

Simple as that.

Put yourself at the table you want to sit at. Put your, like, for real. Buy that first class ticket if it's still within your budget. See what it feels like to upgrade yourself and believe you belong there.

Because you do.

Because you do. It's what I literally started doing when we were like, okay, how. How does one feel when they want to feel abundant, but they don't feel abundant at all. I'm not saying stretch yourself or like. Well, I am saying stretch yourself, but not to the point where you're breaking anything or you can't pay bills, or you're like, oh, my God, my children is starving. But, boy, that first class champagne was delicious. I love that flight. Sorry, little Bob, Mommy's had too much champagne on first class. All right. Sorry about that, Bobby, but mommy needs to stretch. Just kidding. Bobby's still eight. It was fine. Bobby's fine. Bobby's always fine. All right, how about that? Review of the week.

Review of the week. This is a good one. This is from Sasha Gold.

And she said, what the. Is this a movie star?

Sasha Gold? Yeah, Sasha Gold. What movies are you in?

Good ones.

All of them. Well, she does live in la because she said you make sitting in LA traffic tolerable. Who knew it could even be tolerated? Lori and Evans feel like we are already friends. You know, when you're like, get out of my head. Your episodes just always seem to speak to me when I need it. I hope I can get my buns to bliss one of these days so I can switch squeeze you both in a very non creepy way. Cheer sisters. You gals are epic.

Sasha Gold, get those buns to bliss so we can squeeze your buns.

We want to squeeze your buns.

We want to squeeze your sticky buns. Well, God, this just went way too far. All right. Talking about the 405. 405. You know the joke about the 405, right?

What? That is terrible.

It's. The 405 is the only free parking in LA.

Oh, my Lord. Oh, God.

It just gets me every time. Like, I just think that's the best joke. You can take that to parties.

Yeah, Will.

You will. Yeah. And people are. They're just gonna love you for that.

Sasha Gold knows that joke.

Oh, yeah. Sasha Gold is probably sitting in traffic because she's going to her auditions, right? Sasha Gold, we kind of love you. Yeah.

I can't wait to see you on tv.

Yeah. We're gonna send you a mug and hopefully if you're like on the Today show, you'll bring it with you and.

Drink coffee with Hoda.

With Hoda and Kathie Lee. Are they still doing it together?

You know, honestly, I haven't watched the Today show in forever, but that used.

To be a dream of mine and now I'm like, what if I can't be sandwiched by the two?

Yeah, I feel like they're still on it, right?

I don't know. Maybe now it's Hoagie and Kathie Lee. It's probably Hoagie. We have a new co host. Welcome. Hoagie. Just a guy in a sandwich suit.

Yeah.

Yeah. So tell me about those questions. Did you find a couple you loved?

They're really, really good.

Oh, man. I don't even know what these questions are today. So let's just get. Let's just get side.

Okay, ready? This one's from at Cheyenne E. Jones.

Cheyenne Jones.

Cheyenne Jones. I'm a pushover. When someone wrongs me and apologizes, how do I stop?

So I've got a question on that one.

Okay.

But I don't think you're going to be able to elaborate for Cheyenne.

Okay.

But if someone apologizes and they did something wrong, that's great that you accept the apology number one. But if it's something that they're continuing to do and they know that an apology is just gonna like, like butter, you up for the moment and they're gonna do it again.

Z. Yeah, that's not okay.

That's when you can't be frenzies. Mm, mm.

So true.

You kind of have to be like, this is happening over and over. So, you know, for a lot of people, the conversation is not even necessarily required. If, you know, here's the deal. Check your inner compass and be like, if I have this conversation, will it actually help? Do I know in my bones and in my truth that it will actually help if the answer is all pointing to no? All I can think of is the gif arrows. That is like, no. Like, no, no, no. You need to just put up a boundary that you're either not gonna talk with this person anymore, or they don't get to have access to you, or they don't get to, you know, come back in your life and completely. The thing is, is for a pushover. Oh, girlfriend. You need to listen to my episode that just came out. This last actually came out yesterday with Chris. It's about people pleasing and boundaries and tons of stuff like that.

I can't wait to listen to that one.

Oh, man. Yeah. It has been inspired because so many of the questions are always about people pleasing. And the funny thing is, is we're not being nice people by accepting an apology that's not real. Like, you're resenting them. So actually you are, like, showing up in a way that's not health, either of you. So you need to just draw the boundary and deal with the consequences. And nobody wants to hear that, but you have to deal with the consequences of them not liking you in order to be free. If you want to be free, you have to go through the pain. So if you're choosing prison, like, every time you accept that apology again, you know it's coming. Like, literally next time, I just want you to put your wrists out in front of that person and be like, you know what? Handcuff me to hell. Put them on.

This is what it is.

Because this is what it feels like. Like, put on the shackles.

Yeah.

And let me just be a sucker and keep saying that.

That's a good visual to have in your mind if you're like, oh, man, I keep accepting this. Handcuffs. Handcuffs.

Yeah. You know what? Picture a big steaming pile of shit with a chain coming out and handcuffs on the end and being like, put me on there. I would love to smell that and feel that all day and swim in that.

That does not sound fun.

Well, that's what you're choosing.

It's true.

Yeah. You're like, let me scuba dive in there without a mask. I don't know, it could be one.

Of those things, too. If that person is like, oh, sorry, like, I didn't realize it was actually that big of a deal, and you kind of draw that boundary, then maybe they'll. They'll buck up and start being nicer.

More than. So I think the conversation. For me, the conversation is always valuable or useful, even if you want to write them, like a super beautiful email. Whatever works. As long as it's truly, truly from a place of love. There's a difference from being like, I'm going to do this because I'm loving. Yes. And then there's a difference of like. Like, okay, you know what? I. Their circumstances have led them to this place where they keep doing this because clearly in their life, people are letting them do this, right? And it's not good for them because people won't like them if they're not treating people well. So sometimes you get to be the loving voice of helping them navigate through life in a. In a more beautiful way where people are more drawn and attracted to them. So if you want to be that person, rock on. If you want to be chained to, you know, a pile of steaming cow dung, do it up. It's your life.

Yeah. Choose poo if you want it.

But awesome question. I'm so grateful for you for asking that. And the only reason I can say that is because that is something I struggle with so hard.

Me too. I gotta say, you got real fired up about that one. I could feel that you're like, no.

You know, why did we talk about the meme?

Which meme?

The meme from that I'm, like, obsessed with right now. It's like, I. Maybe we talked about it last week. It was like 2020 vibes. And it's just someone that texts hey. And then you text back, no.

Yes.

That's how I feel right now.

Yeah.

I'm just like, no. You know why? Because I am sick of living a life that is, like, on the whim of everybody else and it's not their fault. And then me getting mad at them for, like, why did I say yes to that? To something that all of a sudden I look at my week and I'm like, oh, once again, I have no free days to do anything that I want. Like, why did I work so hard? Why am I an entrepreneur to just keep saying yes to everything? No, no, no. All right, girl.

All right, let's go to another one. Okay, Carmen Oling, how do you balance setting goals and taking daily deliberate action versus letting go of outcome?

Oh, Carmen, Carmen, you know what? I want to ask you this one because I feel like you set a lot of goals around just like de stressing and doing yoga and trying to make sure that you do other things, like a really good job of balancing outside of work. And this is a great question because I think what people don't realize is that's like a huge goal, that's a huge undertaking to be like, how can I make sure I'm always hiking. I'm taking care of my relationship and I'm taking care of myself. My stress levels in my body. So how do you set goals around that?

I put it in my calendar so I make sure it's already blocked in. And you do you and Chris talk about this all the time. It's like a non negotiable thing. So if I sign up for that class, especially if I pay for it, obviously I pay for it. Especially if I don't sneak in like normal.

Then you're like, I saw three movies in a row this weekend. Want to know how?

Did you ever do that in high school? I did.

No, I wish I would have. I was such a rule follower. Well, I was. And I wasn't like certain things. I was like, no, it's totally fine to drink 40s in the movie theater if you only see one movie. Right.

You're just seeing one. But anyway, putting it in the calendar and I feel like if you write it down or put it in there. But then she's talking about letting go of the outcome. So maybe you put it in your calendar. Just don't set some crazy expectations. What if you go to the class and you're like, oh, I actually didn't want to learn about this. Or this wasn't what I thought it was. Yeah, that's okay too.

You went totally. Or you accidentally toot in yoga.

Yeah.

You tune yoga.

Which happens all the time.

It really does. Not by me.

No. Yeah, thank God.

But apparently people next to me.

So it's always the person next to me. But. But do you know what I'm so.

Grateful for that we don't have those hyper color clothes anymore. Do you remember those that would heat up and they change color? Like did they ever make hypercolor pants? Yeah, because if they did, I would just have. I would be wearing pink pants with a massive red circle near the hiney.

Like the ones that light up, change colors in the sun and stuff.

Yes. And it was so not smart because like girl the just the boob marks when you got warm, it would just be like two bright circles.

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You guys. If you did not have a hyper color T shirt, it changed color when it would get warm. Not cute.

That is a bad idea.

It's just bad. Like, what, you want to show that your armpits are sweaty?

Yeah, mine would be, like, all the time.

Oh, bad idea. Sorry. Hyper color. I can't figure out why you didn't last long. Yeah, I don't know if they ever made pants, but I would actually really enjoy. Enjoy, like, wearing them around the house and doing funny jokes. Like, watch this. Yeah, I'm gonna change this color of these pants real fast. Okay. So don't do that at parties.

Yep. Don't have those pants on, actually.

That would win me over at a party.

Yeah.

Quite honest.

I would think that person's cool.

Yeah, I would too. So back to that. What were. What was the question again?

She was asking, how do you balance setting goals and taking daily deliberate action versus letting go of outcome?

Oh, man. Yeah, this. This exactly what you said. Calendar. It sounds so crazy easy. Like, when. When we just answer. Put it in the calendar. If you don't use a calendar yet, that's the huge. That's one of the biggest problems, honestly. If you can start using the calendar on your iPhone, it is so powerful because you can look every day and be like, oh, yeah, that's in there. What. What do I need to work around? And you can set timers. Like, okay, start thinking about leaving work for yoga. Okay, start. And your alarms will go off. And it's just a really beautiful way to start getting practice of needing to make room for what you actually desire. If you don't use a calendar, I don't know how people do their goals without it. Yeah, I have no idea.

Me neither.

Like, my life literally runs on a calendar. And I schedule all of my workouts now. So when I didn't do that, I would literally show up, like, two hours later. Especially as an entrepreneur who needed to start making her own schedule. Like, it was a disaster at first. And every single successful person I talked to, every one of them runs on a calendar. So if you're resistant of the calendar, it's probably because you're just not committed yet to your goals. And that's the honest truth. So have you ever heard of.

I just thought of another thing that might help. Have you heard of 5 15s?

No.

It's this thing you can do at the end of your week, and it should take you 15 minutes to write, but only five minutes to read. And so you write out, like, what did I do this week? What did I accomplish this week? What did I think I was gonna accomplish but didn't? And then what am I gonna accomplish next week? Like, what are my big goals? And just writing that out helps. And then you're like, oh, man, I did a lot this week that I didn't even think about.

Oh, my God, that's so incredibly smart. And I should literally schedule that into my calendar to make sure I do it. Cause it sounds so great. And then I know that I won't. So that could be, like, a really beautiful Sunday night thing. Oh, Chris and I did something so cool this weekend. We wrote out, and I've done it before, but it was years ago. We wrote out, and so I. Three friends in one week say that they write out their. They write a letter to themselves from like, okay, Lori, slow down. So a year from now, they pretend they are the person. Like, I'm Lori in 2020, and I'm writing myself a letter from that position. So I'm writing myself a letter, like, right now.

Oh, that's cool.

So it was like, oh, my God, it's so exciting that this happened and this is happening right now when you're living here and this is going on and this is going on in your life, and you're. You just got back from a party where you hung out with your friends, blah, blah, blah, who are not my friends yet. And it was so fun. It took us about 30 minutes to an hour. And we just sat and, like, wrote these letters to ourselves. And the three women who had told me to do it, they were like, it's so crazy because I have to rewrite my letter almost monthly because it changes so fast when you do this. So you guys, write yourself a letter from a year or your future self from a year or three years. Write your current self a letter. Like, this is where you are right now. This is what's going on. Like, oh, my God, it was so incredibly awesome. So definitely do that. And then read it. Like, set your calendar so that you read it every month or whatever that looks like for you. Whatever you want to do. And that's been. That was so powerful. So I'm gonna, you know, set my Timer to read my letter again soon, which was awesome.

There's something about putting a pen to paper.

Yeah. And you know what was cool is Chris wrote a very different letter, but a lot of similarities in there. And it was so much fun to hear what he really desires in his life. So you should definitely. You guys should do that.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

I feel like Adam would really like that.

He loves doing stuff like that.

Oh, my God. You should set a night like that and just, like, drink some bourbon. Yeah. Just get drunk, get crunk. But we did listen. We did have some whiskey, and we listened to Tennessee Whiskey and songs from. We put on Chris Stapleton channel on Pandora. And it was just so many songs like that. And I was in every emotion. It was so good.

That's so good.

Oh, manifesting mode. Is there another question? We got a little time.

Oh, yeah, there are lots of fun questions. Ooh, do you want a fun one or serious one?

Whichever one you pick.

Okay, let's do a serious naturophoto. Naturophoto. How did you find a partner who was aligned with you? Thanks so much, heart.

Ooh, this is so good. Well, it's crazy because I picked from, like, a prison lineup, and I picked the cutest one. Fun. That's funny. But wasn't there that guy who was, like, in prison who, like, got famous because he was really good looking and someone, like, famous married him?

Wait, there's a podcast about this, like, murder thing. But she didn't get murdered. Anyway, let's move on.

Okay, great. Anyhow, I did not pick him from a prison lineup. How did I pick a partner aligned with me? Well, I picked him 16 years ago, and so I wasn't really in alignment at all. I was like, who wants to go to the bar with this one? Yeah. Just kidding. We met at the gym, but we did go to the bars every weekend. So what happened is that we both. Thankfully, we both had the foundation of fitness together. And he also loved business. And I think that we both. We both always wanted to better ourselves, even though we were giant shit shows at the same time. I mean, we were in our early 20s, but I think that every time that, number one, he hasn't felt supported by me or he's been wanting to go in a certain direction. He's always been led by example. And then same for me, when it's been something that he's like, oh, hell no, I'm not meditating with you or going to events. I'm like, okay, if I'm not Gonna get his support. I'm doing it anyway. So that's been one powerful thing that's always kind of brought the other person along is we are both like, if I'm gonna do something and I wanna do something, I'm gonna do it anyway. So you can either choose to do it with me. And I'm so committed to the relationship and we always have been from the beginning and we've spoken that, that I'm going to try what he wants me to do and if I don't like it, it's okay if I don't have to do it. But I think being in alignment means being in alignment with yourself always. So like, if you want a partner to be in alignment with you, you gotta be in alignment with yourself even if they choose not to go along with you. And your. This is so much about what we talk about in that people pleasing episode. Cause all I hear is my partner doesn't support me or not in alignment, it doesn't matter. Keep doing you sister. And like being that example is gonna be most important. How about you? How did you choose a partner in. Cause you guys are like so on the same page. I feel like. Is that true?

Yeah, I think.

True or false?

It's true.

What I see real.

It's real. But I also think it's funny because a lot of times when you're dating and stuff, it's like, oh, I want a person who's this, this, this and this. But as soon as you let that list go and just let the person show up as the wonderful human that they are, and then you find all these great ways to grow together and grow as yourself. And I listen to Dax Shepard's podcast a lot. I love him. He talks about his relationship with Kristen Bell and people are like, oh my God, you're so perfect. How do I get that? He's like, it's hard work. It's not like we just found each other and it's a Disney movie. It's like we work on it. And I feel like I don't really know much about relationships yet because I'm just going into getting married.

But I think you have a good. If you're going into getting married, if you're gonna get hit, you might know a little bit about that four by four.

But I'm just going in like, hey, this is probably going to be some work and there's going to be good times and bad times, but if you work on your, like you said, you got to be aligned with yourself first.

Yeah, the Commitment and taking care of you. And it's kind of like it all works itself out if you always take care of you. Yeah, I heard an awesome quote. Let's see. It was when you take care of your dharma, which is obviously your, like, life's mission, your life's purpose, your dharma will take care of you. So always take care of the mission. Always take care of what you're here for. And the rest is going to work out, even your relationships. Because then you'll be the lighthouse. You'll be the person who attracts. You'll be. You'll. You'll be in the energy that you want in your life.

So. Yeah. And maybe if you don't want to meet, like, meet the. Go to things where you can meet that person instead of like, hey, I don't want to be with someone who parties till 2am well, then maybe don't go to that party.

Exactly. And that could not be more true. Yeah. Start going to places like cooking classes. Yeah. Ooh, I know. I love cooking classes. Yeah. You could meet a chef and just eat for the rest of your life.

That's gonna be a great life for you.

Yeah. Mm. All right, so we're gonna wrap this episode of questionably awesome, where it's no longer longer a question, it's an answer, and it's just awesome. Bye, everyone. We're so grateful that you made it to this point. Reward yourself with a coffee. Bye. Bye. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing, and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think. Tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye.

Bye.