373: Transform Your Fear, Shame and Past Into Purpose, Power and Paychecks with Amelia Travis

You may not always feel like the material that you're sharing sets you up to be a leader or paints you in the best light. But if you're telling the truth, freedom is going to follow.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me?

Here we go.

Welcome back to the show. Today my guest is Amelia Travis and we actually met through the Bliss Project which is my annual event that I have. And when I met her it was kind of an immediate connection where she was telling me how the Bliss Project had affected her because I met her on day two of the Bliss Project and it wasn't just about how the Bliss Project had affected her. She was really sharing her story with me and I know that it wasn't just her story, it was really the story of everyone who was and I knew that from that moment I wanted to be able to connect with her and share her experience and share her story of her life and what really brought us to this moment of meeting, to meeting all these people in this room. And I know that you are going to fall in love with her because I did immediately. So Amelia Travis is a writer, a speaker, a business coach. She's an essential ryt500. As the founder of Stoked Yogi, she's impacted thousands of lives through yoga education programs, stand up paddle and surf experiences and women's empowerment retreats. The journey to an empowered life was a long and winding road. She had body dysmorphia, people pleasing and perfectionist tendencies. This led Amelia down the path of drug addiction, disordered eating, abusive relationships and a lifestyle called a sugar baby lifestyle. The this spiraled her into a rock bottom of a hundred thousand dollars in debt and a lost and broken heart. In 2009, a spiritual awakening led Amelia to the realization that she was the only one standing in the way of becoming the woman she wanted to be. So she decided to embrace messy, imperfect, unapologetic feeling and has since built and scaled a multi six figure business she's certified over 700 yoga teachers in stand up paddle board yoga. And she's also coached hundreds of women to personal and professional success. Been published in yoga journal, Huffington Post. She's also been a TEDx speaker. And in 2012, after breaking her back in a surfing accident, she realized that her life is too short to do anything but what you love and dreams exist for a reason. Her personal mantra is set your intention, breathe it to life. And you guys, on this podcast, we are doing a giveaway. So if you love it and if you share it on your Insta stories and you tag both of us, if you take both. Amelia Travis at Stoke Stoked Yogi. And we'll share all of that in the show notes. And if you tag me and you share your biggest takeaway, we will be picking five people to send gifts to. It's either going to be an earn your happy mug or it's going to be a Stoked Yogi hat or a tote and a bag, whatever that looks like. So we will all be set. We will be sending you gifts. So for five of you, when you share your biggest takeaway, we're going to send you a gift and we'll let you know at the end of the week. So this comes out on a Monday. We will let you know on Friday.

Friday.

So the more you share, the more chances you have to get that gift. But you guys, this podcast truly, I mean, I. I think I probably cried two or three times through this podcast in the most beautiful way. Um, I really loved this conversation more than I can tell you. And I know that you'll be able to find yourself or find some truth or, you know, free yourself from some contradictions in your life or just fully accept those contradictions and the way that your path is playing out and realize that the way your path is playing out is so perfect for your journey. So let's get started.

Amelia, I'm so excited to have you on the show today. Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you. This is so exciting for me. I feel super blessed to be here.

Okay, so you were just sharing with me just a little bit about your experience at the Bliss Project, because that is where we first met. And I just remember it's so crazy because I was telling you right before this that a lot of people ask me, like, how do people get on your podcast? Or how are people speakers at Bliss? I'm like, you know what? I just get something in my gut and it's like, just do it. And I don't Question it. Well, maybe later I question it, but then I try not to question it. And you would come up to me during, I think we were taking a picture together and you had just left a mark kind of, but just by honestly openly sharing your experience. And it was like a 30 second to a two minute transaction. I don't even remember, but I remember your energy. I remember how you made me feel. And it was so much of you literally walked up wanting to share what you got out of it and wanting to give me value. And I think it was such a turn of just a feeling of energy coming into me that I was like, okay, and I remembered you. And then I think I got the request later on and I was like, yes, because I remember what that felt like. So I always think that's important for people just to hear, like how it actually works and what it looks like. But you were sharing a little bit of your experience from the Bliss Project. Because I think it's so cool when people come from, you know, maybe a different background. You're in the yogi world. Like you are immersed in the yogi world and helping. I think it was like 700 different yoga teachers get certified for stand up paddleboarding. Like, you are in it. You are teaching leaders. So what was it like to come from that world into the Bliss Project for you?

Oh, my gosh. It was a bit terrifying, not going to lie. So my coach actually told me to come because I'm making a transition in 2018 and 2019 from being a leader in the yoga industry to also leading in personal development in entrepreneurship, specifically for creative female entrepreneurs. Part of that, as you know, is getting yourself into that environment and into that world. And she was like, you need to go to some of these entrepreneur conferences or events. And there's one close to you. It's in Newport Beach. It's with this, this girl, Lori Harder. And she's really great. And I wasn't familiar with you, but I was like, I had told my coach when I signed on with her, I'm gonna do absolutely everything that you say for the next four months, right? Yeah. I mean, I was, I was in it.

Super teachable, super coachable.

That's like huge because that's not my natural way. My natural way is like super defensive. And I do everything I learn everything the hard way. I do everything my way.

What made you switch?

Oh, man. Realizing that there's only a certain level of success that you can rise to without that teachable spirit and recognizing that sometimes I had reached and achieved every goal that I had for myself thus far. I had grown and scaled my business to the biggest vision that I had had of it so far. And then I was like, oh, my gosh, what now? And I knew that I needed to. I needed to do something differently. So I started working with this coach. And really the reason that she sent me Laurie, and I think this is really important, is that I had said to her, I feel like there's a clique of women who are successful in this entrepreneurial personal development landscape, and I want to know how to get in it. And more specifically than that, and a little bit less mature or something, I was like, how the heck are all these girls getting featured in Forbes and Entrepreneur and this magazine and that magazine? They're hanging out with each other and they're tagging each other on Instagram. I just feel like I'm on the outside looking at it.

I'm glad you're saying this.

What the heck?

Yeah.

And I know there's thousands, if not, you know, millions of women out there who feel the same way. They feel like there's a secret to it. And I don't know what the secret is.

Right.

And so I was expressing that really frustrated way to my coach, and she was like, listen, you have everything that you need to be successful. You do need to start networking. You do need to get out there and meet people. You can't. You can only make it so far when you're an isolationist and when you're like, you know, you are the be all and end all of your business. Like, teamwork makes the dream work. Throw a little cliche in there, because it's true. You got to get out there and network. So I'm like, fine, fine, coach. I'll network. So she's like, go to the Bliss project. It's close to you. Lori's awesome. And I was like, fine. So I bought a ticket. And when I showed up, Lori, I was so scared. And that scared was coming out as me being kind of a bitch. Like, I was like, closed off. I was being really skeptical. I was like, look around. All these, your team, who are so enthusiastic and so loving. And I was just kind of rolling my eyes at them. I was like, feels like a sorority. How are they really? They're not really that bubbly. They're not really that nice, you know, just being a little punk. And one of your girls who checked me in offered to give me a hug, and I was, like, kind of cold shouldering her, you know, the first night. And I went up to my room and hung out in my room, like, by myself, hiding out that first night. And the next morning, we came in, and if you guys haven't been to the Bliss Project, it's like everybody's waiting outside. You hear the music turn on. You can feel the energy shift. The people who have been before are pumped. They're, like, beyond stoked, ready to get in the doors. The people who haven't are kind of like, hanging back towards the back of the crowd, looking around at everyone with shifty eyes. Why are these people so excited? We got into the room, and within three hours, probably less than that, I had cried my eyes out. I had taken just pages of notes. I had been forced to stand with a complete stranger and share my deepest fear or something like that. And it was like a switch flipped. And I think that one of the biggest things that impacted me was you said, this is a room where we say, come up here. Join. And I got chills all over my body as you said that, because I was like, this woman, she gets it, and she's the kind of leader that I want to be, the kind that brings people in and the kind that holds the mirror for women and reminds them, like, I'm not different from you. I just decided to do the damn thing, you know? And so that was so impactful. Like, you know, Laurie, I jokingly said to you earlier, like, by the middle of the day, I had fully drunk the Kool Aid by the next morning. And I think later that afternoon, you guys, if you see the pictures from the Bliss Project, you'll see my little happy butt up on stage next to Lori with my little space buns in my hair, like, dancing like a crazy woman, because I was having that much fun and because the energy was that transformative. So to go in 24 hours from, you know, I hate this. I don't want to be here. It's a bunch of mean girls. I don't fit in. You know, I'm alone. To feeling like I am not alone. I am in a room of 500 other women who are just like me, who are feeling the exact same things as me, and we all have a right to be here. And it was, I think, the biggest thing, Lori, is that you. That event and your presence there gave me the reminder and the permission slip to show up and shine in my business and take that spirit of inclusion and of love and to be a person who is doing that in this personal development and entrepreneur landscape for women, because maybe everybody's doing that at their events. I Don't know, girl, because I haven't been to very many. But I would be shocked if that energy is present at every event. And it was deeply, deeply healing and transformative for me. And I'm so thankful to have that experience early on because now the bar is set very high. Lori, for other events.

Well, there's something about that though, that you were saying. And thank you. You guys can't see us, but we're both sitting there with like tears in our eyes at one point just because that's exactly what I had hoped for, people coming. But a lot of that is because of how you showed up. So that's something that I want to say is for whenever I've been to an event and whenever I have been taught by former mentors. Like, it's so much about you being willing to be a student. And something that you had told me was that you all of a sudden kind of switched to being like, hey, I could be a leader in this room. Like, people might need to hear what I have to say. I might be able to help some people. Maybe I'm not just showing up for me, maybe I'm showing up for other people. And that's a conversation that I think is so important for us to have as leaders as well, is, you know, when you have women coming to your retreats too, it's not just about, what do I get. It's like you had said that, right? What can I give? And I think that's how we get the most out of every experience, is flipping it from, oh, I'm going to this entrepreneur event to maybe meet this person or do that or get that, like, you're not. That's not going to be the best experience for you. Yeah, it's like stripping back and that moment for you just share a little bit more about how that kind of. What was that, that flip? Like, what could I give?

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There are a couple things. So one, this idea, this concept of what can I bring to a situation versus what can I get from a situation? It was offered to me by someone last summer when I was sharing with them. I've been looking for a home church for like years because I just never really felt found a place that I felt like I fit in. And she said to me, you know, I was like this church. I like the worship at this church, I like something else, but I just, you know, I don't. There's not one that's been perfect for me. And this friend looked at me and she said, what if it's not about what you can get from the church, but what you can give to the church? And I like full body chills as I say that, because I'm like, oh, maybe, you know, she was like, maybe the church that you're supposed to go to doesn't look like what you necessarily think it's supposed to look like, because you're supposed to bring your unique hotline and your connection to God into an environment where they're not necessarily seeing it that way. And I was like, ooh, that's really profound. Right? And so, yeah, when I showed up to Bliss, part of it was, yes, a powerful intention to arrive with a teachable spirit. Because as someone who does host events, though they're on a smaller scale. I'm very used to being the leader. I'm very comfortable being the one that's on stage. I'm less comfortable being the one who's there to learn. And that in and of itself was important for me to see. But I think that the switch flipped when I was. You had us do some partner exercises, and I had prayed before the event that I would meet the exact right people. Not meaning what I could get from them, but just the right people. Whoever I'm supposed to meet.

That's so key what you just said, though. Whoever you're supposed to meet. Not like, who can give something to you, but maybe you were supposed to. Yeah.

Oh. And it was the first exercise we were doing. We were talking about, oh, gosh, something that we wanted to create or do, and then writing all of our old stories about why we couldn't do that thing. Right. Well, the woman that I was partnered up with and we were supposed to just out of pure intuition, like, tell the other one how they could accomplish this goal. Right? So I get paired up with a woman and she's like, I'm a brand new yoga teacher and I want to create this programming for kids yoga and I want to do a blog. And I just. I don't feel like I can do it and nobody will read it. And I'm just like, giddy and laughing because I'm like, I am literally the perfect person to help you with this. Right? Then I share with her that what I wanted to do was create event similar to the Bliss project on a smaller scale. And here's all the reasons that I felt I couldn't do it. And she was an event planner. And so she starts, we're just both laughing. And it was like that moment happened probably hour two or three of the first morning. And it confirmed for me, like, yes, you are going to learn things here. You will network and make some connections. But more importantly, this is an opportunity for you to serve. When there's no spotlight on you, for you to give to people, when you're not gonna get any accolades or any fanfare for that, you know, you don't have to be the leader to serve. And that's always your role that you need to be in. And it was like, God spoke that so clearly to me in your event. And it was just so. That was a big part of the shift. And then the other huge part was hearing and seeing you so gracefully and so honestly weave your spirituality into your event. That is something that I had a lot of pain and struggle through over the last year. I did a. It was called Spirit led yoga, a 200 hour teacher training that was teaching the intersection of Christian theology and yoga philosophy and why these things are not mutually accepted, exclusive. But it was hard. It was definitely an experience in two populations or two, you know, belief systems that have perceived that there's a lot of conflict there. And to make it a really short story, it basically had me call into question all of my belief systems and how I'm sharing those in the world and just feeling like I just can't do it. I got to keep it separate. You know, I can't talk about my spirituality, I can't talk about my beliefs. And, you know, that was. That's what I said to you when we took a picture, was. I was like, oh, my. I said, I want to thank you for reminding me that, you know, I've been feeling like I got to take God out of my business. And you were like, no, keep him in it. And whatever way you relate to God, source, spirit, universe, you know, the foundation of being, whatever word you want to call it, even if you say life or love or energy or nature, that hotline and that connection, you guys, it's the most freaking important thing in existence. So my misalignment, a huge part of it that I was struggling with and in pain with last year, was feeling like I needed to compartmentalize or like I needed to keep things separate instead of just doing what you do, Lori, which is like, be yourself and tell the truth. And like, no, those who mind don't matter. And like, those who matter, they don't mind.

You know, oh, I love that you said so many beautiful things. Number one, you don't have to be the leader in the room to serve. In fact, I literally bank on God, source, spirit, whatever you believe, putting people with that attitude. Like you showing up in the room knowing that I'm. Yes, I'm on stage, but I'm just facilitating an experience. Like I know that you know that about your events too. It's like I actually count on like I have so much faith knowing that I am not, you know, controlling their transformation. It's a bunch of people showing up with the intention of transforming together, that they hold space for each other. And I think that's vital for people to hear who do want to do events. I think it's vital for people to hear that are leaders to take the pressure off yourself and know, like empower your people to show up as leaders. Like remind them that the most important thing that they can do is what you just said. Like you don't have to be a leader even in your life. Like you can be making massive transformations. And I really do believe that we are put on this planet to serve. And it's like when we're not serving is when we're miserable. You know, when we're like how can I get, how can I get well.

How much pressure it would be on you to feel like in your ego that you have to literally personally transform 500 plus women. Like that is.

I used to know about it. First couple years I was like, oh my God, I can't breathe. Like and then when I took the pressure off like this is not, this is not me at all. Like that was the most relieving thing I've ever experienced.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean yoga teacher too, like teaching people and facilitating in these retreats and these really heart centered things that you're teaching. It's like, oh my God, we can put so much pressure on ourselves to. That's why people don't lead and why they don't speak is because they forget there's another element. Right. So what do you do? Going into stuff. And I know you mentioned prayer and I know you mentioned probably some different rituals. What are some things that you do to like take that pressure off before you lead? Yeah.

So prayer is huge for me. I ask for the exact right people to be at the event and that gives me permission to remain non attached in sales as well and in marketing because it's like the exact right people who are supposed to come will come. I prepare. Like I'm pretty analy about making sure that I provide people start to finish with a really clear communication about what they're going to experience, which I think helps people feel safe, and it helps them trust me, and it helps me trust myself that I have. Even if we don't stick to the plan that we have, a really clear plan and an intention of what we want people to receive or what we want people to express experience, and that's always a little bit different. You know, it depends on each. Each event. Another thing that I do is I ask the guests, the participants to bring their whole selves, and sometimes I ask them to bring an aspect of that leadership that you and I are talking about. So, like, one little example is when people come to my retreats, I'll often ask them to bring some sort of little token. It could be a poem or a crystal or like, a feather or something that's, like, sacred to them. Because in our closing, we're gonna have them partner up with someone and exchange what will certainly be, like, the most perfect little thing for each of them. In some events, I've also asked women to bring their gift. So, like, not a physical gift, but, like, bring your voice, bring your song, make music, teach a meditation, like bringing, like. Actually, even though they're paying me to come to this retreat, asking them if they're willing and if they want to, to also facilitate a small part of that, because I believe that is part of empowering leaders, just like you. You did this. Lori, though. This is like. I mean, and that was part of why I was like, God, I love her, because I saw how you brought these women who have impacted you up onto the stage to share their gift, regardless of whether they were, you know, big on Instagram or, you know, famous in some way. It was like, that was not important at all. What was important was the soul work that you guys had done together and letting them share that with the world. So that's part of it. And then, yeah, I mean, I have a little bit of ritual that I do for events and also just for even, like, being on this podcast. Like, come. I come into the room 10 minutes early, and I do this with my retreats and venues and stuff, too. And Shut the Door and Palo Santo, you know, the space cleanse energy. I put on music and I dance. Like, I get my energy up because that's super important for me to get out of my head and into my body so that I can be present. And then, depending on what the situation is like for today, I lit a candle. That is for the Throat chakra. I'm such a yummy. So that I would. So that I would remind myself to just tell the truth. And then. Yeah, I mean, basically when I say pray, I think that's the most important thing for me because it's reminding me that there's a bigger picture, that it's not about me, you know, And I'm there as the channel. Like, I'm there because I was called to do this work, which is to hold the mirror for women, Help them see that no matter how fucked up their life is. Am I allowed to say that on your show? Because I just did. Okay. No matter how fucked up their life is, that they have everything in them to be the woman that they imagine that they could be, or maybe the woman that they can't even quite imagine yet, but that they see in other people like you or like me. And they think, gosh, I wish I could be like her. And so I just pray for them to be. I pray for them to get exactly what they need. Like, I don't even pray for myself. I pray for the people. I mean, I do pray for myself to not be, you know, to get out of my ego, but I pray for them to get what they need and for it to be exactly what it's supposed to be. And it always is. Even when it's a shit show or when things are hard or when things go sideways. Like, it's always for a purpose.

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So when you were praying to be the woman that you are now, and I'm sure that there's a prayer of, you know, becoming even more her, where were you at? Where if you could see who you are now, that would have been like almost unbelievable for you.

There are two distinct turning points. The first was 2008. I was 22 years old. I had left a six year abusive relationship and fled basically. I grew up in California, spent six years with this guy, helped raise his daughter from the time she was 5 to the time she was 10, even though she was only 11 years younger than me. And I put everything into that and it took me a long time to choose myself and decide to leave. And when I did, I left with a lot of baggage. I left severely anorexic, addicted to prescription painkillers and Xanax, you know, leaving a job.

Do you remember the moments of like what brought that on where you're like wow, where you really started relying on, you know, just crutches, numbing, oh man.

You know, a lot of it was, was control. Like I didn't have control of anything in my life. I felt like I was being controlled by this partner and you know, when I started dating him, I was 16 and he was 22 and there, if you've ever been a 16 year old girl, you know that there's not a lot of trust in ourselves often because we're culturally and socially conditioned to not trust ourselves, to believe that others know better, to not trust our bodies, to believe that our bodies are sinful or wrong or bad, that desire is bad, that hunger is bad. I didn't have a lot of trust in myself and I allowed myself to be controlled by the self person. But I believe that controlling my eating was one thing that I could control. And so I also wanted to make myself smaller physically I think from the sense that I wanted to disappear, like I didn't want to be in that life. My dad was also terminally ill and I couldn't control that. And then the self medicating in terms of using drugs, I've always been an incredibly curious person. So altered states of consciousness are interesting. To me, whether that's through meditation or through drugs, but through the drugs, that was definitely. I mean, especially, like, the drugs that I was abusing. Prescription painkillers and Xanax, both of which. They're numbing blankets. Like, that's what they do. If your feelings are too intense, those are gonna take away your feelings. You know what I mean? And I needed to not feel.

I wanna dive into that a little bit because I do think people are doing this on so many levels right now that they don't even. They don't even realize what they're numbing. And it's really like, I think that we all are. I want to talk a little bit about the. You know, what was it that you were numbing? Was it also purpose? Was it because you weren't the person you knew you were supposed to be or what when you were like. Because I remember I would do this with alcohol all the time. And sometimes getting of alcohol, it was like. It was almost like it would get me more attached to purpose. And then it just wipes. Would, like, wipe it out.

I mean, I would say maybe that with weed, like, that I felt like it increased my creativity or whatever. But I would say, growing up, one of the things that was said to me most often was, oh, Amelia, you have so much potential. And it was always said in a way that it was like the unspoken was, and you're not doing anything about it, right? So I grew up, like, my mom was a psychologist, my dad was an attorney. They gave me an IQ test when I was 5, and I scored very high on it. And so that. And I'm sure just my behavior, they were like, oh, this girl's really smart. She's going to go places, right? Whatever that means. And then I was chubby as a child, and I had poor body image. And when I was, like, 13 and I started to figure out that I could starve myself and get skinny, then boys started to pay attention to me and girls started to want to be my friend. And so I learned very quickly, if you're beautiful and thin, then people will love you. And that message was something that I really believed in. And so those things became important to me. Being skinny and being popular and being pretty became super important to me. And part of my. I think use of drugs was really commingled with the anorexia. Like, taking drugs helped me not eat, but it also, yeah, there was totally this sense of, like. Part of me knew, like, hey, probably not the greatest idea to be in a relationship with this guy that's you know, six years older than you, that has a kid that's kind of a loafer. You know, the missing part of the story, My dad cheated on my mom after 23 years of marriage and left our family when I was 14. And so you talk about daddy issues. Like I had daddy issues. Like I didn't know I had trust issues, you know, and here was this guy who was older, who was cute, who liked me, so I just went for it. But what was I medicating? I mean, I was medicating the pain of my dad leaving. I was medicating my own failure to live up to this potential. I was medicating the fact that I was truant from high school and got kicked out and sent to a. I mean, I did independent study. They tried to send me to the bad kid school. I'm putting that in quotes. I don't know what you call it. I was medicating the fact that I had felt like I disappointed everyone in my life and that I felt like it was too late to change that. And then there was part of me that has always been just a rebel. And so I was like, if you tell me that I can't do these drugs or drink or whatever, then I'm going to do it. I'll show you that I'll do what I want, even if doing what I want is killing myself. It's a complex question and a complex answer. And I think for everybody who's dealt with disordered eating or addiction or both, that's the question that we try to unpack for ourselves for the rest of life as we move through recovery or whatever that looks like for you. Moving out of being in an active addiction and in active disordered eating into hopefully a healthier state.

So what was the rock bottom that you were like, oh, can't. And I know that it doesn't flip on a dime. Like, oh, here's my spiritual awakening and I'll never be the same. Like, there are those moments mentally, but I think that it takes so many steps to get out of where you're at. So what were the, what was the thing that you're like, wow, I cannot live this way anymore. And I'm going to take this first action step.

Yeah, so I, when I left that ex, I drove cross country by myself. I ended up on the east coast and I found myself in sugar baby style relationships, which was something that I found on the Internet, good old Google, if you don't know how to pay your bills. And it was glorified yeah, it was glorified prostitution. I mean, basically, I didn't have a job. I didn't have. I was so deep in my addiction and in my disordered eating that it was very difficult to think about getting a job. And so I started dating older, wealthy men just for their money. And some of them really were wealthy and some of them were con artists. And, you know, it was like getting an allowance of. I mean, at my highest income in that $15,000 a month to be someone's girlfriend, you know, and he was really well off. And parts of it were fun. You know, I got to have all these.

How do you even. I'm super, like, unfamiliar with it. So how did you even get into that? Like, you actually got in, like, a payment for.

Yeah, so it was never quid pro quo, meaning, like, this is how I justified it to myself. I was like, oh, it's not really prostitution because they're not paying you for a particular sex act. They're paying you to hang out with them and have dinner and be their girlfriend and whatever. Tomato, tomato. You know what I mean? I was. It was a shit show. How do you get into it? Yeah, Google. Literally. You Google it. There are websites where you can create profiles just like online dating, and you can set parameters for what you're looking for. And, you know, I. I will say this. You know, I don't want to make it sound like a completely powerless thing. I had left in an abusive relationship. And I set a very clear intention, and I said, I do not want emotions involved in my next relationship. And I also wanted to take my power back. And this was a strange way of me trying to take my power back. It was also influenced by those daddy. But it was like, I'm going to use them right the way I feel like I've been used. And it's like, this is the cycle of abuse and this is a cycle of pain. Like, you take the pain that's been caused in you or the perpetration that's been done against you, and you do it to somebody else. Right. And so that's what I did. And for two years, I told myself this was awesome. You know, I did end up getting a job and I was working as a flight attendant while I kind of navigated this lifestyle. And. And I would buy the Dior clothes and Gucci and all the expensive stuff, but I was still drinking and I was still using drugs. I started using a lot of cocaine and still using. To medicate the fact that this was shitty. I did not want to be in this lifestyle, it did not feel good to be with someone who I knew I wasn't actually in love with. Though with a couple of them, I did convince myself that I was in love with them. Rock bottom was, you know, finding out one of them was really a con artist. He's in prison now. I was dating two guys at the same time. One cheated on me with what I called a real hooker, and the other, you know, I found out, was engaged in all this criminal activity. And I did have a God experience. So I didn't have a relationship with God before that period of my life. And right in the. In the middle of it, I was in Myrtle beach in a hotel room by myself, and I just didn't. I had never believed in Jesus. I'd never believed in God. Especially not Western. What I considered, like, Western Christian, you know, religion. I was willing to entertain all the other ideas, but that one was just like, no. You know, I thought Christians were the most judgmental assholes ever. Which the irony is not lost on me now, how judgmental I was. And so in this hotel room in Myrtle Beach, I said my version of a salvation prayer, which was, hey, God, I'm not sure you're real, but if you are real, I'm not very good at doing my life. Kind of blowing it, you know, And I don't think I can do it anymore. And I was. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I definitely had expended all of my options. I was $100,000 in credit card debt, Lori, because I put everything on credit cards. I was living in hotels and trying to be fancy. So I'm paying $300 a night to stay at the Westin until that card's maxed out, and then. And go to a different place or sleep on some guy's couch or sleep in some guy's bed, like, whatever, $100,000 in debt, trying to juggle this lifestyle. And I just prayed. I was like, I can't do it myself, so if you're real, I need help. And I had an experience of being brought to the floor to my knees, and then all the way down on my belly. I just felt held and surrounded by this presence that was completely loving and completely accepting. And I just cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. But I knew that this was real, this God thing was real. And so then that lit this curiosity in me that I started to pursue a relationship. So that was one thing, but then the next big turning point was the guy who was a Criminal. The bottom fell out for him. The other guy dumped me by email. And I got the news that my dad was going to maybe live a couple more months all at the same time. And it was like, you talk about God or the universe or whatever, pulling the rug out from underneath you. Like, it was like I had waited that long, and I wasn't making the change myself, but the desire was there. And so it was like God gave me the little turbo boost. Like, yank the rug out from underneath me, let me fall on my ass. And so I was like, I gotta go home. I gotta go back to California. I was splitting time between North Carolina and Ohio, working as a flight attendant, kind of. Kind of doing the sugar baby thing. And I quit my job and I moved back to California with no idea really what I was doing or where I was going to go. And I had eased up a lot on the drugs and the drinking. And I got back to California, sat on the beach, and I would say this was the real turning point. It was September 7, 2009. And the prayer that I said, I did this meditation on the beach, just listening to the waves. And then I said this prayer, and it was like, I give up. I give up. I give in. And I just want to become the woman that you want me to be. I want to surf and I want to write and I want to paint and I want to do yoga, and I want to be, like, a beautiful person, you know, I don't want to. I don't want this darkness anymore. And I know I haven't done very good at doing that myself. So I give up. And in that moment, I swore off men. Like, I was like, God, I don't want to date anyone for, like, five years. I just want to be alone. And I just really surrendered. And I don't. Even though I had started a relationship with God, I don't think I had really surrendered. And that moment, the funniest part of that is I set that intention and I said that prayer. And then three days later, on Nine Nine, 2009, at 9pm, I met a man in a bar. The most beautiful creature I'd ever seen in my whole life, who I would have thought never in a million years would he love me because he would be too good for me. And about an hour and a half into our conversation, this had never happened to me before. I heard a voice outside of myself. And all it said was, this is the man you're gonna marry. And it was, like, definitive, and it was my voice, but it was literally Outside of me, and so freaking loud. And long story short, that man who is in the other room, I am married to him. We have a beautiful child. He helped me hold the vision of that intention. He taught me to surf. He encouraged me to go do my yoga teacher training. He knew all of this. He let me tell him all of this shit about my past and my life. And when I was done telling him all of it, he sat there smiling, and he said, is that all? And I was like, that's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there's more bad stuff, you know, and, yeah, I did that on our first. I did that on that first date. After I heard the voice, I said, hey, you want to play a game? I'm going to tell you all the worst stuff about me. And if you still want to talk to me in five minutes, then we'll keep hanging out.

Oh, my God. How beautiful, crazy and freeing all at once. Because I think we stop ourselves from getting into friendships, from getting into relationships, from getting into business, from getting out on social media because we are so afraid if people find out who we really are, that we will be turned away or, you know, like, torn apart. And look, when you bring it. When you brought it all to God, when you brought it all to the person who is right for you, it was more than accepted. It was more than forgiven. It's like just that massive surrender. And I think that's such a. I know that so many people are probably taking a huge sigh of relief right now to feel like they are not wrong, bad, evil, like they're going to get cast out. I think we all have that fear in our lives. What if someone finds out what I've done? What if someone finds out who I really am? What if someone finds out, you know, that I hurt this person? And all unintentionally looking back at it. But we have trouble doing life alone.

Yeah. The sentence that always echoes in me is if they see who I really am, they won't love me. And that's what you just said. And I think literally, you guys, this is human nature. If you've ever had that thought, congratulations, you are human.

Yes.

But we're all. Yeah. I mean, the radical love that was shown to me by God and then by God through this man, which was like. I mean, to this day, Laurie, there's moments where I'm like, okay, like, something. I mean, this is just. You know, something horrible is gonna happen or he's gonna die, or I'm gonna die, or we're gonna. You know, the other shoe's gonna drop. There's no way it could be this good. And I see this in you and Chris. Like, I see this level of love where it's just like, how. How did we get so blessed? Like, how did we. You know, And I think it's important to note that, like, a big part of that, you guys, was the courage to rip off the band Aid and be like, I'm going to show you all the ugliest parts of myself. And if you still want to talk to me, great. And I did not expect him to still want to talk to me. In fact, I was like, I'm going to prove God wrong, and I'm going to send. Or whatever that weird voice was. I'm going to prove that thing wrong, and this guy's going to go running for the hills. And, like, that's going to be that. And. Oh, my God, I have to ask.

You about that because I think that I. I believed I was so unlovable that when he just, like. Like I would bring anything to him, and he was like, yeah, so, like, you know, all of these things that I thought I was so bad for from, you know, maybe my religious upbringing or whatever it was, or people telling me I wasn't, you know, whatever that was that I could not love myself for, Like, I'm related to so much to your story, because I would bring that to him. Like, oh, yeah, well, what about this? Isn't this terrible? Like, do you still love. Like, I would try to actually push him away, and there were moments where he's like, you have to stop. Like you are doing. Can you not see that you are the only person stopping yourself from being loved in this scenario? Like, if I leave, it's because of you. Like, because of you pushing me away, not because I want to leave. I want to be here. Those are such powerful moments of knowing that. Like, what do you do? Do you ever see that come up in yourself now of, like, pushing certain things away or out of your life?

Yeah, my. I would say one of my greatest weaknesses is defensiveness. So with my. Actually not even just with my husband, but this has happened in life and in business, too. That defensiveness stems from perfectionism and people pleasing. And stay with me on this. It's basically like, if I can't be perfect or if I can't be the best, or if anybody ever sees the part of me that's, like, not perfect, then I don't deserve that love. And so I'm gonna just, like, either sabotage it first, or then, when it's brought to my attention, refuse it so strongly by being so freaking defensive and so angry and so vicious that it'll make that person, like, run away. So it's been years of me, like, for me, my husband has been one of the people that has helped the most by reminding me time and time and time and time and time again, like, we are a team. I am on your side.

Like.

Like we are together in this. Like, and I'm. Yeah, I'm not gonna leave you. Like, you know, having my dad cheat on my mom and leave it that pivotal age of, like 13. And maybe it doesn't really matter what age it happens. Like, that's traumatic. I always felt like eventually there would be something that I would do or that he would see where he would want to leave me. And likewise, I do this with friends and with business relationships too, to a certain extent, where I have trust and control issues. And I struggle to really let people in. I struggle to really let people help me. You know, delegating and building a team is challenging because I feel like I have to hold it all together myself because I feel like, you know.

What.

If they all figure out who you really are and they take off, you better be able to hold it all together yourself. So. So literally this year is. I set the intention when I turned 33 last October. And my word for my 33rd year was integration. And I didn't even realize how powerful that intention was, because all I really meant was I wanted to integrate these different aspects of my spiritual life. I wanted to be able to reconcile having this deep love for Jesus and deep love, love for Vedanta and yoga philosophy and non duality and this idea, this non exclusionary idea that's so freaking radical in the church that God really does love everyone and we really are all okay. Which is not a really popular idea, depending on where you're hanging out, right? So my intention was integration of spirituality. But what happened is integration started to occur on all levels of my life. So I mean, integrating the lessons from addiction and recovery, I mean, integrating the truth of being willing to be loved, all the lessons that I'd learned from these different relationships and now from my husband, integrating the lessons in business to be able to rise to the next level. So the past six months really have just been massive integration. And if you think about, like, what does that word really mean to me? It's like weaving together all of these different threads so that they finally make this beautiful tapestry. And I think that we Compartmentalize our life. We compartmentalize our spirituality from our work, from our love relationships, from our self esteem and fitness and wellness. And it's like, you know, people, I can talk a good game about being holistic, but this past six months has really allowed me to zoom out and be like, it is all connected. And when you're, when you set the intention to heal, you better get ready for every aspect of your life to heal, which is not always, you know, pretty or pleasant, but like growth and healing are like, like we're gonna pull back the curtain and all your little gremlins are gonna be able to come out so that you can let them go. I don't even know what the question was.

Girl. Went down a great rabbit hole though. I loved every minute of it. But so what I wanna, what I want to point out and say throughout this whole conversation is really, and it's bringing up so much for me around trust and faith and opening what feels closed and opening what wants to keep closing off for safety. That safety or that feeling of like just needing to control, that's often what is keeping us in prison. And so much, you know, speaking of this whole conversation, starting with the event, like, I have so much of my, all of my, so many of my lessons are around trusting women. And I think for my event to grow what it is and for me to be open to being, meeting you and all the women there and to being so held. Like, you can see how held I am at that event. Like between the speakers showing up and like giving all that they have to the volunteers. Like, really? Yes, they want to hug you. Yes, they are that happy. They want to serve so much that for me to trust that that's the truth, it's like I have to keep leaning into that because it used to scare the crap out of me. Like. And so this is the question that I have for you because I find that wherever I'm being tested, around whatever, I'm like feeling a bit, you know, lack of faith in as far as truly, do women want to really support me? It's like when I was having trouble believing that I then got tested because I would, you know, I'd be like, yeah, I kind of believe it. But in my gut I wasn't fully having faith or trusting. And of course I would have women who would come into my life and who would use me or leave or maybe use something that I've gotten and then turn it around or start gossiping about me or stab me in the back and then. And you Know, it would just reinforce that I was like, see, I told you so. I believe that we get the lesson that we're not quite, you know, that we're not willing to surrender. Like how you were talking about how you really surrendered. Like if you're not really, truly surrendered around. I really want to trust men again or I really want to trust women. I think it's going to keep showing up to test us and we, oh.

Hell yeah, we're not going to pass.

Like, what are some things that are feeling like maybe this year you weren't ready to pass them yet and you could see that maybe you could share a little bit. But now you're like, okay, what am I doing? What kind of work am I doing around? Really? I want to pass the test this time.

Yeah. One of the biggest ones I think, and I feel really bold saying this, it's still showing up, but it's getting milder. Was this resistance to moving into the next, what I call incarnation of myself. So I, like I said, I felt like I'd made it in the yoga industry. You know, I taught for Yoga Journal Conference, I'd done some big publications, I had sold out my events and all this. But I knew I had this calling on my life and it was writer, speaker, coach. And those are like the three words, right? And so the writer, you know, I have 200 pages of my memoirs, which is really going deep into that story of that dark, dark night of the soul. The coach part. I had been coaching hourly for like the last couple years for my alumni, for my teacher trainings and doing, you know, what I call damage control coaching now. It was like when you coach hourly, people come to you when it's really broken and then it's like in an hour you're supposed to help them fix something, right? But I didn't have the self worth or the self confidence to create a high level coaching program or a container for that. I didn't trust that I could help facilitate real impact in people's lives or I didn't even necessarily understand that that was what I needed to do. And last spring I decided I wanted to move into coaching and do that more. I have a two year old son and he's at home and traveling all the time is not good for my family. So I had this intention, but I was so freaking scared. Lori. It was back to that same question of like, who am I? Who am I to do this? Who am I to help other people? Like, look at my past. I've been a train wreck, you Know what I mean? Yes. I scaled my yoga business to a couple hundred thousand dollars a year. But sometimes money's still tight and sometimes there's still financial instability and sometimes I don't know where the next paycheck is going to come from or I don't pay myself that month, right? So it was money. I had this huge fear around money and my ability to make it consistently in a sustainable, meaningful income. And that story kept showing up for me. Like I would make a ton of money and then it would just disappear. It was like, where did it go? I don't know. I would spend as a form of self sabotage that's like related to addictive behavior patterns. I would just, in my eternal optimism, somehow think that $10,000 was like $30,000. It would go a lot further than I thought. And so last fall, so I hired a coach last June to work with her over a six month container. I spent a grip of money. What felt like that at the time. I spent $1,000 and then I fully self sabotaged. I did not show up to the calls, I did not do the work. I was very busy. And so I used that as an excuse. I didn't prioritize it, blah, blah, blah. Come October, I felt the pinch of that. I was like, you're five months into this six month container and you haven't done anything. And my resistance was like, I felt like I needed to create a fancy sales PDF and I felt like I needed to, I don't know, be different somehow or be. I felt like I wasn't legitimate and I felt like I needed to put on a false front so that people would see me as this, this coach, successful business lady instead of being myself, right. So I had a shift and I don't know, I can't. I don't know what to really attribute this to. I think it was like something in the cosmos at that time, but it may also just be like back against the wall kind of thing. Came to month five, you know, of my six month container and I realized like, this is freaking ridiculous. Like you are the one standing in your own way on this. And what if you just decide to do it differently? And I don't really know how to explain it beyond that, but I just decided like, I was like, I'm gonna do it differently. What if I just give 110% and it doesn't happen? Well, then I'm in the exact same situation that I'm in right now, except for that I know that I tried, right? So I turned it on and started showing up in the fullness of who I am even more and telling the truth even more. And within a month I had done $11,000 in coaching sales. And within three months I had done like $45,000 in coaching sales. I had a full roster of one on one clients in a four month container. And I was making a huge difference in their lives. They were, every week they were telling me like, thank you so much. You know, this is impacting me so deeply. So the money thing, it's still there for me, Lori. I'm learning how to accept earning money at a higher level and to know that it's supporting and sustaining my family and to know that I don't have to be in the same patterns of self sabotage, of just spending it as soon as it comes in. And I feel like I'm speaking to you a little bit from the, from the wound on this one still instead of the scar. And I like don't want to jinx it, you know, like, everything's going really good right now, Lori. But yeah, if I had to be fully honest about like where am I Still not fully surrendered. It's in money. And I think for so many of us, like that's probably true. It's really hard to just trust that if you operate in your gifts and you show up and you play at that next level that it'll keep coming.

You know, I think that's. And I think so often we can hear in the self development world, like, don't speak on it or share it until it's fully healed. Like you can't teach until it's fully healed. And I think that that is total bullshit because I think there's a lot of wisdom in the, like when the wound is still open, when you're like, hey, here's how it really feels. And I know you're in it with me. Maybe I'm a little further than you, maybe yours just happened. But there's a lot of wisdom in when you're in the eye of the storm, just in talking about what it actually feels like. This is where I am. I'm, you know, my intention is getting out and on the other side. And I can definitely tell it's starting to heal. But here's where, where I am right now. So I actually love hearing that because it meets people exactly, you know, where they're at and gives them like maybe it's the step ahead or two steps ahead or whatever that looks like for.

Them and it's falling back into like remembering that that, especially with, I think with anything that you're trying to change, but especially with money, surrender isn't the same thing as roll over and die. Surrender doesn't mean give up. Surrender. Surrendering it every single day means every single day I sit down and I do that same prayer. I pray for the exact right clients to come to me. Not for me, but for both of us, where we are able to be that mirror for each other. Where, where I'm able to bless them so deeply from my experiences and they're also able to bless me by teaching me how to be a better coach. Because this is what happens in the coaching dynamic, that it's not a one way street, it is a two way street. And your clients, just like kids, teach you how to parent, your clients teach you how to be a better coach. Because every interaction provides feedback, every interaction provides a mirror. And you're going to attract people. If you're listening and you're a coach, you're going to get clients who come to you with your same shit and you're going to really get to examine like, oh, is that healed? Oh, do I know how to help myself and someone else navigate this area of pain in their lives? And so every single day I have to humble myself and remember that it is a privilege to be able to serve in this capacity. And also to remember that it's really easy to fall in the mindset of like chasing the money and getting rather than remembering that the money really is an exchange for impact. And if you believe that in this four months or six months that you can help somebody change the way they view themselves, which will reverberate into their business and into their life, then the impact of that is worth $10,000, $20,000, whatever it is. Because it's not a time for money exchange in that container. It's. It's a time for impact or it's a money for impact exchange that's going to last the rest of their life. What I mean, so it's like I'm just, I'm in this, moving into this role of writer, speaker, coach. Part of that is being willing to be a spiritual teacher. And not in like a, you know, let me stand up on this pedestal and be somebody fancy, but like really be a spiritual teacher, which is like exactly what we're doing on this call. Like be willing to show yours first, be willing to, you know, say you don't know when you don't know and speak from the wound when that's necessary and keep doing your own work. Because, you know, that's one of those cliche things that people say in personal development. But, hoo, boy, like, the higher you rise, the more work you find in yourself that needs to be done. And it's just, as far as I can see, it hasn't ended yet.

Girl, from everyone I've talked to, it doesn't end. And like you said, I think it just. It becomes a part of your life. So you're like, oh, what do we do next? And sometimes I'm like, oh, God. Like, that's next. Oh, my God. Like, wow. And now you. The not the unfortunate, but the fortunate and unfortunate thing is, you know, you have to go there. Like, you just. You tend to go there a little bit quicker because, you know, it's just your next step in evolution. Like, it's the next phase in level until you can, you know, capture or meet the princess.

Yeah.

But a couple last questions before we wrap, because clearly I could talk to you all day. What does the fear feel like daily for you as far as growing and sharing your authentic voice? I want people to know when they are really on their path, how it shows up. Is it butterflies? Is it resistance? Do you find yourself wanting to sabotage again? Where do you find yourself every day? Kind of like, oh, my God, this is so freaking uncomfortable.

Yeah. So one of the things that I know is really important if you want to be a leader, like we've talked about on this call, is being willing to be vulnerable. And this is something that, especially in the social media landscape, it can get a little bit distorted. Being vulnerable doesn't mean being sensationalist. Right. It doesn't mean glorifying the dark parts of you for attention. It does mean asking yourself the question that you just asked me, Laurie, like, every day, like, okay, where am I really experiencing the resistance right now? Where are things hard? The fear for me, I don't even know if it's fear. I think it's resistance. Like you said, the resistance is in falling back into the ego and falling back into the. Trying to put a sunshiny face on everything and end every caption on an upward, lilting note so that I seem like I've got it all together. The resistance is in waking up and then waking up some more and being honest and then being even more honest. And it's like, I feel like this is such a great opportunity for me in this podcast to practice what I preach, which is, like, you may not always feel like the material that you're sharing sets you up to be a leader or Paints you in the best light. But if you're telling the truth, freedom is going to follow pretty much across the board. In my experience, the fear feels like right now, today, Lori, my husband is a disabled veteran. He did 14 years in the military in tactical law enforcement and was separated because of some injuries. So he does have a little retirement from that. But right now I am like, mama is bringing home the bacon. You know what I mean? I'm very much the breadwinner. And so being self employed and reaching the point where real talk, if you don't make money, like, nobody's going to eat, the rent's not going to get paid, you know what I mean? That's freaking terrifying. It is terrifying. And so if you are in that, if you are listening and you are self employed or your income is coming from network marketing or, or whatever, like, even if you have a job job, but it's like it's on you to carry the family. That's hard every day. It's hard the days that nothing's coming through, no sales are coming through, or you don't feel like you can go to work or whatever. There's always the fear of, what if I stop being able to do it? Or what if everything falls apart? And I think that just circles back to, like, learning to trust yourself and to trust something bigger than yourself, that you're still here. Like, you are still here. You haven't been let down yet. Like, you haven't died yet. You are, you know, if you have the technology to be listening to this podcast, count yourself blessed. It means you either have a phone.

Or you have a computer or you.

Got something and like, it's. Even if it's really dark and hard, you know, you got something. Yeah. I mean, the fear is it's still there all the time. The resistance is still there all the time. And I think one of the most important things that I wanted to make sure I said on this podcast is like, me being on this podcast. You guys, really, this was a stretch. This was what felt like a shot in the dark. And I want to tell you how it happened. I was at Bliss Project. It was day two. I was writing in my notebook, and I wrote somewhere in my little Bliss Project notebook, like, guest on Lori's podcast next year. Right? Okay. This was March 1st, so about two months ago, wrote, guest on Lori's podcast next year. Monday I got home and I'm sitting there and I'm flipping through my Bliss Project notebook because I wanted to share some of the exercises that we did. With. With my women's coaching group. And I read the note, and I'm just like, why are you gonna wait until next year? Who do you think you're gonna be next year that is more worthy or more deserving of this experience than you are right now? And I was like, damn, okay. So I'm like, okay, by yourself? Yeah. I'm like, that feels really scary, you know, so then. So then higher self is like, yeah, that is really scary.

You should do it right now.

And I'm like. I'm like, right now? Like, right now. Like, I'm sitting at school, I'm on a park bench, like, this really the time. And it was like, yeah, do it now. So I get my Instagram out, and I send Lori a video message, and I'm like, this is probably crazy, but, like, here's my experience that I had at your event, and here's my ask, right? Like, I was very straightforward, and I was like, like, Lori, I would love to guest on your podcast. I believe I have a message to share with your audience, and I would be deeply honored if you gave me the chance to do that. And I said a bunch of other stuff because I was rambling, but then I just. I sent it and I let it go. Like, I was like, I'm not attached to this. It will happen if and when it's supposed to happen, and if it doesn't, I am still so proud of myself for having the courage to ask, because it wasn't about you saying yes or saying no. It was about me being willing to ask and me trusting myself in that moment that I was worthy of simply asking. Right? Like, just even that felt like, who are you to ask to be on this podcast? Who do you think you are? So the fear and the resistance are not going to leave you guys. As far as I can tell, they're not going anywhere. But you can move through them. Like, fear and resistance are not. They're not walls. They're like fog. So even if you can't see, you can still move forward, right? Especially if you are able to lean on something that's higher than yourself, that intuition. Or a friend who's a few steps ahead of you, who's calling back to you through the fog and saying, come on, keep coming this way. You can do it. Right? Which Lori, like, I feel like that's what you do every week on the podcast is you're like, come on, guys, keep going through the fog. But I think, like, just know that it's not going anywhere, and it's just, you just get more tools and more ability to operate in the fear and in the resistance.

Oh, I'm so glad you shared that. And something that I want to share from my end because I know that I've also been in your shoes so many times. I mean, your shoes literally right now, just like sending things out and being like, okay, I don't need this, but this is so scary. And oh my God, what are they going to say and what people can feel on the other end? And I'll tell you, I've never gotten a yes from someone. When I have been reliant or I think that the thing is going to get me something. It's always been because, yes, it's something that I desire and this would be awesome. But when I have the energy of it going into something that I'm like, I need this and she needs to say yes. And if she doesn't say yes, I'm going to feel rejected and I'm going to view her differently or I'm going to, you know, whatever. That energy, people actually feel it.

Like, oh, yeah.

Like, I actually felt such a freedom around your ask because I didn't. I knew I could say no to you and it would be fine. Like, I actually knew you'd be like, great, thanks. Thanks so much out there. And there are definitely asks that I get in different ways. And I know I have asked before in the past where I'm like, oh, that's why that didn't happen for me, is I wasn't ready for it yet because I thought that thing was going to bring me something that it was either not going to bring me or that I wasn't prepared for yet.

100%. Your episode that just came out about, like, sometimes the plane can't land because the Runway's not clear. I was just like, yes, take me to church. Like, you're so good.

I was thinking to myself, oh, yeah.

And that's so important because, you know, there are events where I have asked to speak or there are like, case in point, you guys, I set this intention that I wanted to speak. I put it out there on social media. I was trying. I was barking up a tree to speak at a specific event with that energy, Lori, that you are describing, the energy of get, want, have, like, that energy. That's not.

I want to fit in with these girls.

Yes. And it didn't. Right?

It didn't.

It didn't happen. And. And the next day I got an invitation from TEDx in Ohio, of all places. But, like, an Invitation from a friend who had recommended me. And they were like, hey, we've heard great things about you. You seem really cool. We'd love to interview you to see if you want to speak at our TEDx. And I was just like, holy moly. Set the intention, the desire was there to be to fulfill this role of being a speaker. And I was so butthurt that I didn't get this one opportunity over here. And then an opportunity that was better for me was coming right behind it. Right? So like, you gotta let go a little bit. It's so, so important to set your intentions and it's so important to give yourself permission to want and to go after the thing. But you've got to let go of whether or not it comes through in the way that you think it should come through. Because it's always going to be this or something better. It's always going to be better for you. Yeah.

And I want to, I just want to add, don't not ask, don't ever stop asking, but always if it's not happening, ask or look back and be like, what can I see what my intention was? Can I see? Did I surrender? Did I, you know, what was it that I was really maybe thinking I was lacking or whatever that looks like. And just learn from the lesson because I'm not going to stop asking, I'm not going to stop being motivated by maybe the fact that I do want to fit in or whatever that looks like, But I am going to look backwards and like my friend Jen says, like connect the dots backwards and learn that lesson of maybe why it didn't come through.

So.

All right, well, we could keep on talking, but I need for a hundred years, what next lesson should we talk? Great, because I'm really just giving myself a lesson. So where can we find you? Where can we follow you? All of that fun stuff.

Yeah, you guys can connect with me on the web@stokedyogi.com or on Instagram. Tokedyogi. I would love to be your real life friend. So I don't think of Instagram as followers, I think of it as friends. And I'm down to make new friends. So come say hi. Let's hang out on the interwebs.

Yes. And you guys definitely go check her out. She does a lot of different events, retreats, certifications, and we can look for her as a speaker, writer, all of the above coming soon. And she does it now.

Yes, we have events happening all summer if you want to get certified to teach yoga on a paddle.

Board.

And if you want to learn to surf, I have a women's surf retreat happening at the end of the summer in sunny San Diego, California. And then TEDx coming soon to Bowling Green, Ohio. So watch out for that video and lots of speaking engagements I'm sure to follow as they unfold in perfect, divine timing and trusting.

So I always end on one last question, but I just want to say thank you for being just, just so open and vulnerable and just sharing everything. Because I think that that is, that's been so powerful for people to be like, wow, you know, maybe I've had some things in my closet or some things that I haven't been wanting to share, but really, that was probably the most. The point in this conversation where I really fell deeply in love with who you are as a human is because you shared, you know, the really vulnerable moments. So just sharing, you know, showing everybody like those are the, those are the places we connect is those parts that we are so freaking afraid of. And if people don't connect, they're not the right people. So my last question, let me remember what it is. Okay, so you are in an elevator with someone, it's like a 30 second ride, super, super fast. And they look over at you and they ask you, how can I make myself happy? What do you say?

Gosh, I would probably spend 10 seconds being quiet as I thought about the answer. Love people. That's it. Love people. I really believe that's my whole mission on this planet. Like, God found me at, you know, 22 and I went through all that shit because I needed to be able to have a heart of compassion for people no matter where they were. But the mission that I was given is to love people the way that God loves them, which is real hard, pretty much impossible. But every good thing in my life that has unfolded was because I decided to love people exactly the way that they are right now. And that's what you're finding with me is like just, I'll show you all my brokenness. And if you still want to be my friend after this, cool, you can.

Hang out and awesome. And if not, there's going to be lots of. You have to have faith. There's lots of people that will. Right? So. Well, I'm so grateful for you and you guys. If you loved this episode, make sure you share it or text it to a friend right now. Shout us out on stories. We'd love to hear your biggest takeaways. What resonated with you the most? Make sure you're tagging both of us so we can respond back. And until next time, you guys, earn your happy. Bye everyone.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the Earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us a review. An honest thought. An honest comment. Tell us what you think. Tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye Bye.