379: Trial, Transcendence and Transformation with Sheri Salata

What else? What are my other dreams? And realizing that I'm really not going to let the patterns and the cultural systems from the past inform my life today.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go.

Foreign.

Welcome back to the podcast. Today my guest is a guest that I have had on before and she blew everyone's mind. Like I'm pretty sure she is everyone's top five favorite podcast for sure. And she's on again today and I'm so excited because she has a new book out. And my guest is Sherry Salata. She's a writer, producer, co founder of the inspirational lifestyle brand the Pillar Life and co host host of the podcast the Sheri and Nancy show which I was on and you guys, it is so much fun. I love their topics, they're hilarious, they're wise. You have to go and download that show. Her current ventures are the evolution of her 20 year career with Oprah Winfrey. Her action packed days as executive producer of the Oprah Winfrey show were chronicled in the acclaimed Season Docu Series Season 25 Oprah behind the scenes. Sheri also served as co president of Harpo Studios and own the Oprah Winfrey Network. She has been named one of Fast Company's 100 Most Creative People in business, the Hollywood Reporters, Women in Entertainment Power 100 and the 2017 Feminist Press Power award winner. Sherry's new memoir the Beautiful no and other tales of trial, transcendence and transformation will be released now. So you guys can get it right now and what I'm going to do for you. This is so exciting. I'm doing a giveaway on this podcast. So what we're gonna do is you will share on your Insta stories your biggest takeaway. So share your biggest takeaway from this podcast and tag myself, the podcast and Sheri Salata. So tag Sherry Salata, Lori Harder and the earn your happy podcast and I will be sending five of you her brand new book I have them right here in this beautiful st. And I'm going to be mailing those out at the end of the week. So I will pick the five winners on Friday and you should be getting the book sometime next week. So make sure if you are one of the winners that you send me your address in private message and we'll get those out to you right away. So let's get started on the podcast. Sheri, welcome back to the show. This is so exciting for me to have you as a round two. Yay.

Lori. Oh, my goodness. I'm so excited to talk to your listeners again.

You were probably one of my, I'm pretty sure one of my top podcasts, like people still refer to it.

I am so glad. Well, your listeners, boy, oh boy. And. And they just came out and supported me in all kinds of ways, so I was really appreciative of that. It felt like a really great experience.

Oh, Sheri, I am, like, I'm thrilled and I'm honored and I'm so incredibly excited to have you on today because you are, in my opinion, just one of the most amazing women who I've been watching just completely reinvent herself and be so real and such an incredible storyteller. Which is why I am so excited that you have this book. Because truly, I think for me, and I'm sure for you, and I think for most human beings, like, we learn the best by really listening to stories and being able to find ourselves in people's stories. And I've been reading your book, and I'm like, just sitting with, whether I'm either really emotional because of a story or I'm sitting with a grin on my face because I can so relate to so many of the things that you share in your book and just with your life. And I will tell you that I know that you really speak about where you're at in your life around your age and just your age demographic, but it speaks to every single person, every woman. I don't care if you're 16 or 75, you're going to be able to find yourself in your stories because of how you tell them. So I would love just for. I know that we have a previous podcast, you guys, that I'm actually going to link up on here so that you can hear Sheri's entire story. But I would love just to hear a little bit about your book journey, because for me, especially as an author, I want to hear the story of where, you know, where did you sit down and say, I have to write this particular story about these particular topics.

Well, first of all, Lori, thank you so much. Thank you for reading it. I'm so glad you love it. Your opinion, it's high praise indeed. And I will tell you, and this you'll understand. I do feel a little bit like I'm walking through the world without skin on.

Yes.

I feel like, wow, Salata, you really laid that down. You really put that down on paper. Wow. Now just everybody, everybody knows, but I really tried to, here's the truth. What I tried to do is, you know, for years, with a 20 something year career with Oprah, people tend to think you just hatched like an egg into Harpo Studios and there you were at the dance. And that really is not my story at all. I mean, I made so many mistakes. So, you know, if you're a recent college grad, grab my book because it's gonna make you feel really good and it's also gonna give you some red flags to avoid. So, you know, and that's really like, Lori, as you and I know, through our podcasts, through our digital platforms, through anything we do, we're really talking to ourselves. Yes, I'm talking to myself. But at the same time, you know, through my inspiration from my Oprah show years and through my inspiration of getting to know and hang out with people like you, Laurie, listen, if it helps anybody else, here you go. And I think that really is the healing for all of us as writers or producers or developers of content. There's a big 360 degree healing going on. And that is certainly true of me. So you asked me, you know, how did I know I really, really needed to write this book? I think it was always a bucket list thing for me. I was at one time, early in my career, Oprah's book club producer. And I've been a great reader since the time I could, you know, pick up, pick up a Dick and Jane book or Little House on the Prairie. So I thought, wow, it would be really cool if I could write something someday, not knowing what that would be. And my beautiful publisher and editor, Karen Rinaldi, at Harper Wave, a division of HarperCollins, thought I had wisdom to share. And so there are many times in the writing process where I didn't agree. I was like, I don't think I have one more thing to say. And, you know, then I would dig deeper and I would remember that what we're all looking to feel like is that we're okay and all is well and getting weller and sometimes progress in our Own lives is truly inspired, or the beginning of it is launched by just getting some hope stirred up by listening to somebody else share their story.

So what did you do, man? I, like you, threw me right back to parts of when I would. So I would have to remove myself from my house to go write. Because apparently I decided that whenever I would sit down and write, the house needed to be cleaner or something.

I.

Would find something miserable to do because it couldn't be as miserable as sitting down and writing, which is so weird because I actually partially enjoyed it too. But those moments where you, you know, you have days where you're like, I'm brilliant. I'm so funny. Oh, my God, I'm laughing at myself while I'm writing. And then days where you, you know, you. You're just sitting there and you throw a fit or you cry or you're like, I have nothing good to say. What would pull you out of that? Like, what would you actually tangibly do? Because I have so many people who, whether it's writing or a project or an E course or whatever that looks like putting yourself out into the world to know that, like you said, you're going to be walking around without skin on, putting yourself out like that. What would you do to pull through those moments of just, like, true resistance?

Well, you are singing my song. I mean, I've got bills to pay.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Is that dust over there? Is that a cobweb on the ceiling? You know, don't we all find distractions to avoid sometimes going into the deeper truth? I know I. I have to check myself over and over and over and over again because, you know, I've lived years of my life distracted by external busyness and avoiding the deeper questions like, am I happy? So how did I power through? Sometimes I didn't, to be perfectly honest. Sometimes I would say I am empty. I have nothing. I'm in no way inspired. So I'm going to put this away for a few days and I'm going to go meditate or I'm going to walk, or I'm going to go do my workout, or I literally am going to clean my closet. I'm going to trust and know, like it has a million times before, that my creativity and inspiration is going to find me again.

With the holidays and the new year coming, you probably are looking around your house thinking that you would love to upgrade and freshen up your environment. And there is no easier way to do that than with your window treatments. Nobody covers windows better than blinds.com blinds.com brings your space to life in your way. They have free design help. Other retailers may claim to have experts, but blinds.com has spent nearly 30 years building an award winning team of over 100 design consultants that are ready to help you create your dream space. Always convenient, always tailored to you. Three ways to shop 1. Perfect fit Whether you want a DIY, have it all done for you or you're somewhere in between, choose what works for you and rest easy knowing the fit is guaranteed. So the holidays come fast, you guys, and you can freshen up your window treatments fast as well. And unlike some competitors, the price you see is the price you pay. No hidden fees and there's zero pressure. From blackout in motorized options to classic shutters, blinds.com has window treatments for every room, style and budget, even shades for your outdoor space. The Black Friday deals@blinds.com are going strong all month long, so don't miss your chance to save big. And as always, our listeners still get $50 off when you spend $500 or more. Just use code earn at checkout limited time offer rules and restrictions apply. See blinds.com for details. 2026 is the year that you launch your business. It's the year that you've become the boss. You become the leader. That idea that you have that has been eating at you forever that just will not leave you alone is going to come to life. Maybe it's something that someone tells you you should always sell or a store you've already designed in your head. And with Shopify, 2026 is when you finally make it happen. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person. Millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap from household name to first time business owners. Just getting started you guys. I use Shopify for glossy and I remember when they sent me my little shopping bag celebrating my 10,000 sales and I literally cried because I was so scared to take the leap. And I'm so glad that I did and that I use Shopify. It gives you all the tools to easily build your dream store. You can choose from hundreds of beautiful templates that you can customize to match. Your brand setup is fast with Shopify's built in AI tools that write product descriptions and headlines and help you edit photos. So marketing is built in too. You can create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. So as you grow, Shopify grows with you. You can handle more orders, expand to new markets and do it all from the same dashboard. In 2026, stop waiting and start selling With Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com happy go to shopify.com happy that shopify.com happy hear your first cha ching this new year with Shopify by your side.

Oh, man, you just said so many amazing things there. And it was. That was a lot. Looked a lot like my journey. And I think the level of trust that you have to develop is it just takes you to a whole different place. So what does that feel like? Like, when you are leaning into that, that trust and faith, like, what's that actual journey feel like? Because that also feels pretty crazy.

Yeah, it does feel pretty crazy. Well, I mean, here's the thing I say to myself. And I've been. I've been, you know, walking the earth longer than a lot of people who are listening. So maybe this is my life experience and I have a little bit more of it. One thing I will say is at a certain point in your life, you are going to have to walk your talk or shut up. You know, you really are. You are going to have to walk. You can, you know, color in beautiful sayings, you can Instagram all the quotes in the world, but at a certain point, you're going to have to walk your talk. And so, you know, there are moments when, like, I even had a moment yesterday. You know, usually I'm pretty good at reaching for the better feeling thought and then the next one and the next one and then, okay, you know, and getting myself back in that place of magnetic power and in alignment with the universe. But yesterday I just couldn't. I don't know what it was. I. There, there was a blueness, there was a glumness. And in my mind, I'm thinking, I know what happens now. You're not going to do your afternoon meditation. You wanted to go for a walk after dinner. You're going to punt that and put on some cable news razzmatazz, you know, and depress yourself further. I know what, where this, these thoughts lead to. They start to create a story. And, oh, that could mean, like, by Friday night it could be a deep dish cheese pizza. So. So it's. And. And I had this, this thought a couple hours into it where I was just watching myself. I was watching myself going, wow, this is so fascinating how you are deliberately choosing the opposite of what you say you want. And I kind of distracted myself. You know, I was playing with the dogs, Bella and Kissy and, you know, I emptied the dishwasher and I just kind of, you know, Just went to no mind for a little bit. And then I had this thought, now is the moment where you do those things that you say work. Now is the moment. So I just started very slowly, just grabbing the prep. Let's have a big old fat glass of water. Let's go sit down and just do some breathing for five minutes. Let's take, you know, walk around the block a couple times. You know, we don't have to scale Everest or run a marathon this afternoon, but if you just begin to put those pieces back in, all of a sudden your mood starts to lighten, your energy starts to lift, things start feeling better. Then it's like, gosh, I feel so appreciative of things. And that is called walking the talk and not letting it spiral to the deep dish cheese pizza and three bottles of chardonnay by Friday night.

Been there, kind of just had a weekend like that. And it's for real, but it really is, you know, so many things you just said are so beautiful because you take them. Sometimes we think that we can just sit and meditate or think our way to the next thought. But you talked so many. You talked about so many things that you just said that were actually physical anchors. And I know that that's been one of the only ways to pull myself out of. If I can't get out of the thought by, you know, thinking or meditating or praying. I'm like, you need to go walk this into your body or remove yourself from this environment or go get your. Move your body to get your mind off of whatever thought you're spiraling in in this actual physical position. Because sometimes I'm like, wow, you're like an anchor. Like, you can literally feel like an anchor if you're not moving. And the thought just kind of just keeps going downward. So I love that you just talked about just you actually go and move or you go for that walk around the block or just drink a glass of water. Like physically do something different to yourself or your environment to change those thoughts.

That's right.

I have so many quotes written down here, so I wanted to kind of chat about. You said in your book you had a dream come true career, but not a dream come true life. And I know that that's so such a big. Such a big part of your story. Looking back on everything that you were doing, how has that. As you were writing your book, was that kind of the main idea, looking back at what you were doing now and how. How did. How did having the dream career, but not necessarily the Dream life really propel you now into creating the dream life. And how are you doing that?

Yeah, that was a huge revelation to me. And it isn't like I didn't know that on some level, but once I could put it into that sentence. I've had a dream come true career, but I haven't manifested the dream come true life. Then it was like, whoa, that is like, you know, the angelic choir gathers around you and gives you a couple notes after something like that, when you really crystallize it. And, you know, for those of you who are early in your career journeys, you know, here's the truth. What I can see now is I could have had both. I could have had both. So it isn't about you have to have one or the other. But a dream come true career needs to be part of a dream come true life. Because just having a dream come true career isn't enough, because being somebody else's something is not enough. So being somebody's boss, being somebody's employee, being somebody's wife, being somebody's mother, those roles aren't enough that they're part of a dream come true life, if you so choose any of those roles. But that dream come true life needs to be top priority. And, you know, and for me, it was just kind of a tender reckoning, you know, looking back and seeing when I made those choices where, you know, romance is for me is hard, relationships with men for me, gosh, I really struggle with that and, and in getting that, that deep soulmate connection, that real love. But I'm really good at work, you know, you know, being consistent with health and wellness, like, really, like where taking care of myself physically is like brushing my teeth. That was not an easy thing for me. I couldn't seem to be consistent with that. But I'm really great at work. And also, I think, you know, there's a moment and, you know, and this is the red flag, the yellow warning and the cautionary tale, which is we are awash in information. There is so much information. You can figure out how to, you know, boil an egg, tune up a car, do anything in about two seconds with your laptop. We are inundated. There is no information you cannot have. And, you know, as somebody who worked at the Oprah show for so many years, I had more information than I could use in a lifetime. But there's a difference between that intellectualizing of something and that root level soul, deep heart, open space where you literally put something inside of your bones where you say, my commitment to live this way is going to be my. This every step I take for the rest of my life. So that, I mean that was really, that was really what I came to understand was that what I really wanted was a dream come true life. And what that was going to mean for me was I was going to have to go back to the basics and start over and think things up. And I grabbed my tribe sister Nancy Hala, who you've met Lori on our show and we just sat down. She has a different story, not the same as mine, but we were both like, okay, we have not manifested the lives of our dreams. Some things are real good, but there's lots of things where it's just, it's just dead. There's nothing going on. Our dreams are like dust balls and we have supported each other for the last couple years and so and figuring out what is it you really want in each area of your life, what are your dreams and what are the very small practices you're going to put into place to get there.

So speaking on that because I think there's many people right now like amening and hallelujing hearing this because what do you do looking back when you. I think there's a lot of people who can look back at their life right now. I know just even talking to some of my friends or my mom or my mother in law, so many people who are like that was, you know, lost time, like not being able to see it as part of the journey. What's been, what's been something that's been helpful for you to really look at it as, you know, not lost time but definitely beautiful lessons and part of the journey and experiences.

Well, I would say I'm still, I'm still, I'm still transforming my, my judgment, my, my, that harsh voice into the tender voice. But you know, really what I, what I, when all was said and done, what I had uncovered was my unlived life. That's what I call it, my unlived life. And the great news is I may get another day tomorrow and another day after that and another day after that. And what I realized through, like I write about my mother's death, I mean, I watched her grapple with her unlived life, you know, in the final days of her life. And I just thought to myself, if you are lucky enough to have a supply of days yet to come and you have a tomorrow and a next day and a next day and a next day, you can decide right now to fully inhabit those days, you can decide that you are going to live your life. You are not going to, you're not going to just ignore big, huge areas of it because you don't feel good at that or it doesn't come easy to you. You are really gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna create the whole joyride for yourself.

There are so many challenges to business that I don't want starting to be one of them for you. And when you want more, when you're starting a business, you need Northwest Registered Agent. Because you get access to thousands of free guides, tools and legal forms to help you launch and protect your business. And it's all in one place. You can build your complete business identity. And with Northwest today, Northwest Registered Agent has been helping small business owners and entrepreneurs launch and grow business for nearly 30 years. They're the largest registered agent and LLC service in the US with over 1500 corporate guides. Real people who know your local laws and can help you and your business every step of the way. You can sign up for free account to begin managing your business hub with lawyer drafted operating agreements, bylaws, resolutions, membership certificates, bills of sale and more at no cost. Northwest makes life easy for business owners. They don't just help you form your business, they give you the free tools you need after you form it, like operating agreements, meeting minutes, and thousands of how to guides that explain the complicated ins and outs of running a business. And let me tell you, this is life changing because I had no idea how much went into this. So don't wait. Protect your privacy, build your brand and get your complete business Identity in just 10 clicks and 10 minutes. Visit www.northwestregisteredagent.com Earn free and start building something amazing. Get more with Northwest registered agent at www.northwestregisteredagent.com forward/earfree. Too many people finish their workday feeling frustrated, drained and unfulfilled. I know that. I have experienced that myself. And the good news is it doesn't have to be this way and you don't need a new job to fix it. Patrick Lencioni, author of the Five Dysfunctions of a Team and more than a dozen other bestsellers, created the Working Genius assessment to help you pinpoint the kind of work that gives you energy, the kind that lights you up, and it also shares the kind that drains it. So over a million people, including me, have taken it and completely changed how I lead and show up every day. If you're a CEO, an entrepreneur, or someone who just wants to level up in business and in life, Working Genius is going to give you the clarity and confidence to operate in your strengths and find greater joy in what you do. Because confidence isn't pretending to be good at everything. It's knowing where you're trained. Truly gifted. Take the working genius assessment today and get 20 off with code earn@workinggenius.com that's working genius dot com. You'll be glad you did it.

So what does a truly lived life like right now? Like if you, if you said this is how I'm going to live today and tomorrow, what does that look like and what does that mean? And I'm sure it shape shifts a lot, but what do you ask yourself to make sure you're doing that?

Well, I mean one of the things that you know, we started looking at was, you know, I have been on every program and I have done everybody's programs and I know about every program on the face of the earth for any kind of thing. And I would say what became super clear was Sheri. You need the Sheri program and the Sheri program can take the best of what works for you in a million other programs. But you need to put together the Sherry program. And in the Sherry program it things that make you feel good, filled with life, the life force is flowing through you. You feel inspired. You feel like it's easier to choose happiness, it's easier to reach for the better feeling. Thought so. Once I really, it seems like an obvious thing when I say it, but it really wasn't to me. I was still looking for the next program that was going to transform me. And I was a frickin producer of transformation. I mean that was my job for a long time and I was still looking for the magic formula, the magic program that would transform my life. And you know, the epiphany is that oh my gosh, I'm going to create the program that will transform my life. And every moment will be about being transformed, not getting to an end game. You know, what's the transformation taking place in my life today.

Makes me think of. You talk a lot in your book about reframing and reinvention and what are those words when I say that? What role do they play? And what does that mean?

Well, I mean here's the thing. It's very, very easy to especially when you lose hope and we've all been there on something, but when you've kind of run out of gas and on a dream or you've lost hope that you can make a change and you really don't believe or trust yourself anymore to do it, that's when things are darkest. That's when things are darkest. And I think that being able to embrace a reinvention, your own reinvention, it's a brave and noble act. And it begins by just stirring up the fires of hope just a little bit. Like, well, maybe I could do this much and maybe I could then do this, and maybe I'll go to the farmer's market and eat more plants, and maybe I will do that exercise in opening my heart for love. And maybe I will take the time to do some mindful breathing and, you know, just beginning to stir the fires of possibility that lead you, put you on the path where every day you're like, what else? Look at this universe raining down its blessings right on my head. What else? And what else? And wow, it's gorgeous. And look how that worked out. There is a. There is a flow and a momentum that we have to put ourselves in to experience that ease and flow.

So I think there are so many people right now, and I know I've definitely been in these situations before because I think it's so different now in the time that we're living in where we get to truly be many different people. Like, we get to choose multiple careers, we get to experience a ton of different things and really have these true identity shifts as we change. Where I think before it was like, you know, you kind of have one career and you stick with it, and that's something to be. That used to be something to be really proud of. So I think for, you know, when I. I'm really thinking about when I talk to my mother in law and my mom, because they, they're at this point in their life where they don't really know if they can be more or do more. And I'm like, you guys, you could have a good like 30, 40, 50 years left. You have no idea. And are you willing to accept where you're at or are you willing to kind of like look at your life and reinvent yourself? And I'm praying that when I get into my 50s, that I can look at my life and say, I still have so much of this left. What do I want to continue to do to reinvent and change my identity? So for you, you had this identity as this certain person and this amazing career. How did you start shifting and saying, being able to say, I can be many different things, or I have all of these different things still left that I would love to do and become?

Well, you know, Laurie, one of the things was kind of realizing that that very thing. About time. Like, okay, let's say, you know, again, you may only get the day you wake up in, but, you know, let's say in this modern day and you're eating your superfoods and, you know, you're. You're. You begin to take better care of yourself, and you begin to, like, really make health and wellness a priority. Gosh, that was me, like, in my mid-50s, going, I may have another 40 years. What am I doing with those? Am I going to be for 40 years saying, I used to work for Oprah? What else? What else? What are my other dreams? And realizing that I'm really not going to let the pattern and the cultural systems from the past inform my life today. In the past, a woman, you know, once your children grow up, you sit down, you're out of the spotlight. Now your children are grown, now it's their turn. And you're supposed to be, you know, get a sensible haircut, put your tie up, shoes on, bake cookies, and wait to be called to babysit. And that's one way to go. Or you can see the women in their 50s who are saying, hell, no. I am going to be a juicy, luscious innovator, having the time of my life, you know, creating all kinds of new opportunities for myself and, you know, enjoying every breath I take. And there's a big decision to make about that now. How do you do that? Well, that's what I'm learning for myself. Like, you know, I've got to add the life force to my life. I got to try new things. You know, I've been around the block. I've been on the earth for a while, so I have to create newness. Last year, I took Italian for nine months, and I was the worst in the class, but I loved every minute of it because I was like, oh, my God, I feel like my brains are being scrambled. This is so crazy. You know, I went back and I did some skiing. I'm building gardens right now. I'm going to grow my own crops and make my own salad. I'm going to learn how to do that, because I can see that is up to me to keep that sense of newness and wonder and excitement and passion going in my own life.

Oh, there was a part in your book that was talking about you had gone to a retreat and you had this moment of just, I believe, believe it was along that quote of like, wow, this is really. This life is truly up to me.

Yeah, yeah. No, for sure. And. And, you know, I did I went to a detox center in the desert and was that, oh my God, it was. First of all, it was so great.

But you know, I've always wanted to do one. I haven't done one yet.

It's a big, huge fast. You, you know, you're drinking about 14 liquids a day, getting a colonic every day, which is amazing. And, and, and, but you know, there were wonderful classes and a shaman, like some shamanic ceremonies with, you know, music in the, in the desert and chanting and it was really quite glorious and beautiful. But one of my key takeaways was, and this was shortly after I had left own to start my, my own business with Nancy. I was, I was talking to this, this woman who, her name is Renee Cardenas. And she was, she was supposed to be the weight loss hypnotist, which I was like, okay, put the, put that locket in front of my eyes and you know, make me never want to eat carbs again. But it was, of course it wasn't that way. And, but she did give me this interesting perspective of if you want a new life, you have to let go of your old one. And I was like, okay, I think I've seen that on Instagram before. And she's like, and she's like, no, if you, Sherry Salata, want a new life, you have to let go of the old one. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, oh, you're all too happy to dump all the stuff that didn't work out, but you also have to let go of that top of the mountain career stuff too, because it's over. What's new today? What are you doing today and what are you doing tomorrow? And you know what I realized is that thing about letting go, and we've talked about this, Lori. Letting go of relationships that don't serve letting go of experiences or, you know, making moves professionally or moving geographically, you know, really making those decisions with great intention about how you spend your time, where you spend your time, who you spend your time with. Those are the ingredients of a well lived, joyful life. And nobody else is, is going to make those decisions for you but you, otherwise you're always living in default. So I really thought that that was an interesting thing, that the past is the past is the past. And Even if you're 30, your high school days are over, your college days are over, you know, you can, you can hold some affection for some of those great experiences, but how are you going to inhabit today?

Oh, I think, you know, even, even just talking about just the different ages. Like, I'm. I'm in my late 30s now, and I'm trying, like, I'm doing my best to not listen to what the outside world version of what that's supposed to look like or what that is or what that even means for me. So for you, how do you. What's something you do to kind of detach your thoughts of where. Because honestly, Sheri, I look at you and I'm like, oh, my God, I feel like the world is literally at your fingertips. You're hilarious. You're smart, you're a great speaker. Like, you know, so what do you do to detach from different. The external opinions of what people have told you your life should look like at this point or what it should feel like, and just go with who Sheri is. Like, how do you do that?

Well, it's easy, you know? Well, there's less expectation as you get older. So I can absolutely see how those pressures would be culturally, would be more challenging. If you're in your 20s, 30s, late 30s, I would say I was on the big chase for meaning and significance, and it didn't hurt if it was also sexy and admirable. I really did want significance, but I wanted to be of service, and I also wanted it to have a little judge, you know, a little something cool. And then I thought, wow, that I can just hang my hat on that. I think that the more deeply you do this personal work, not just reading the books, but actually doing the personal work, it becomes impossible for the world to dictate to you who you should be. I don't think that was true of me in my 30s. It certainly was not true of me in my 20s. I was being tossed around like a ping pong ball in the wind by, like, what's cool, what's good, what's successful, what's beautiful. But I think, you know, in this time, right now, with teachers like you, Laurie, available, with the accessibility to this kind of conversation and inspiration, there is no reason why a woman of any age at this point can't be the master of her fate and her worth.

What would you say to the 20 something, 30 something, 40 something that is really still striving and looking for validation through something like, man, I can't tell you how many. Oh, when I get this book out, when it gets published, when it gets blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, I got you. You're.

Yeah, I. I totally gotcha. Listen, I can get caught right up in that in two seconds. And then I have to remind Myself that. Open your hands and let it be a little bit. I would say there, there's two things that are probably could be instrumental in easing those pressures, which is, number one, refuse to compare yourself to anybody else. Just refuse to do it. Refuse to do it. Refuse yourself the exercise of comparing yourself to anybody else. Because you don't really know what's going on with anybody else. You know what their Instagram life is. You don't know anything else. You know, even the person sitting next to you, you don't totally know what their sufferings are. And all it is is taking your attention away from tending to your own garden. And so that's the one thing. No comparison. No comparing yourself to anybody. No comparisons. The second thing is understanding that your end game is happiness. It isn't the number of followers, it isn't, you know, the cash in your bank account. Your end game is happiness. And when you lose that focus, your, you know, like, it feels like all these other things are going to be the fill in things and then you get the money and you go, well, I'm still not happy. Then you, you know, you accomplish, you know, the followers. Oh, you know, I. 50,000 followers on Instagram. Not happy. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta take the bigger, you gotta understand the bigger game going on here. It's always about happiness. So if happiness, if you are willing to make happiness your compass, like this feels good, I'll go in this direction. I like doing this kind of work, I'll go in this direction. I feel super uplifted. And I become an uplifter myself. When I'm in this person's company, I'll spend more time with them. Those kinds of moment by moment decisions are the, the, the tools that help you stay in that destination, ongoing destination of happiness. So, you know, I remember in my 20s, I was worried about fattening up my resume. I was like, oh, you know, I need to get this. I wanted a business card with a cool job on it, all the trappings. But what I didn't seem to understand was that all of it was about what I thought would, would make me happy. So it was happiness I was going for.

Oh, man. I mean, it's such a. I really hope this sinks in for people because it's just. And how much do we need to hear this? Like, I need to hear this every day. And I'm like, no, no, I got it. But do we really got it? Because even this morning I went for a run with Chris and we were talking and I just had this, you Just have these epiphanies over and over. And I think they're so important to really realize them and say them out loud and share them with your friends and have these conversations like what we're having more often, or listen to them because it is so easy to get caught up. I was talking to Chris and I was like, you know, because I was comparing myself to someone's life, like, oh, if it looked like this or what, you know, how their career turned out or how their book turned out or whatever that looked like. And I thought, oh my God. But their actual life right now is not. Their day to day would not look like what actually makes me happy. Like, it's opposite of the things that truly make me happy in my day to day life. So because I was saying maybe sometimes God really knows what would actually make you happy. So you don't get the thing that you think that you want because it's not really what you want. So is there something in your life right now that you're like, wow, thank God I did not get that thing that I wanted because it would look this way. Do you have anything else like that?

Oh, my gosh, I totally do. Which is. It's the title story from my book. It's the chapter the Beautiful no. And it was the job I didn't get that I did desperately wanted as a big senior advertising agency producer at J. Walter Thompson Chicago. And he told me, I interviewed, he told me I was perfect. He was going to pay me lots of money. I'd work on these fantastic brands. It was such a great job. And I was broke and literally watching soap operas on my couch. So I really needed that job. And I left the interview knowing I was getting it. And a week later the letter comes and says, I'm, you know, I'm not hiring at this time. And I'm like, oh, my God. What? Oh, no, this is a disaster. Cry, cry, cry. Devastated, devastated, devastated. I'm sure I was so over the top dramatic. It was probably like people were probably concerned for my personal safety. Then shortly thereafter, the phone call comes in that the Oprah show wants me to come in and freelance. And so I call that no. Not getting that big, huge job with the big cash. The beautiful no. Because that beautiful no made it possible for me to have what is arguably one of the most unbelievable career rides that anybody could have and where all my boxes were checked professionally for so many years. And had he hired me, I no way would I have quit that security and given up that paycheck and all the benefits and all that to freelance at the Oprah show. There's no way I would have done it. So it's like that no is beautiful. And what I realized, Lori, is I've had a lot of beautiful no's in my life. Relationships that didn't work out, other things that didn't come true and. And those no's were just the directional push I needed right into what my real dream was. So I think that's a really great exercise for everybody to do. Test it out for yourself. Check. Do a little. Little search for your beautiful nose. And what you start to see is there. Your own soul is deeply involved with, you know, the force in guiding you through on gossamer wings to what you say you really want.

I love thinking about even when. So when you realize the realization of you've had so many beautiful no's in your life from other people, I think it can also make it easier for you to be able to say no and set boundaries, knowing, like, yeah, it might really sting that person right now, but this could be something so opening for them, or it's part of their path, like directing them to where they need to go or setting boundaries in your life. So is there.

I think that's right. I think that's exactly right.

It's just so much. It's. It's like, oh, my God, freedom. I can actually tell someone no, knowing that my nose have been good for me.

Right. And their nose are beautiful for them, too.

Is there. Is there things in your life that you struggle with right now around saying no to people or really creating boundaries so that you can. Because I know you're in such a. A place of, you know, what does my happiness look like? What. What do I want for the rest of this life? What have you had? What are the hardest things and that you've had to say no to or people that you've had to say no to in order to start to really become or live into this part of your life that you want?

Yeah. You know, I was never great at boundaries, and I was. I was raised on guilt and shame. So, you know, it was like, you should. You have to. It's expected, blah, blah, like hurting somebody's feelings or, you know, something like that. You'd go. You'd hurt your own feelings before you'd hurt somebody else's feelings. So that is. That is a midlife. These are new skills that I'm working on developing. And, you know, you know, as an entrepreneur, I mean, everybody, you know, there's a Million opportunities to do a million things. And what I know is, and sometimes that momentum feels like, oh, you know, you have a little bit of fomo, that could be really good, or we could make a lot of money doing this or that could be really great. Or, you know, oh, you know, I don't want to say no to that. And I just have had to be very, I have had to monitor myself very closely and continue to say, does this meet your criteria? Does this make you, is this part of your joyride? And one of the things for me is, you know, I spent a lot of years working 80 hours a week. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not doing that anymore. So. And I know you don't have to, you don't have to that you can be wildly successful professionally and work 80 or 90 hours a week. That's for sure. And so, I mean, I think, I think that's one of my hard things and I think that's one of the things that I will continue to work on, which is I just moved to a new town. I don't need to be everybody's friend, but I'd like some like minded people who are elevating their lives and on the joyride themselves. And I'll be really, really particular about what's a match for me.

So when you're, I think, think for me and for a lot of conversations that I have, they have trouble saying no. So what do you, do you practice it? How do you, like, how do you learn how to say nice no's or, or clear no's?

Listen, I, I've, I'm, I'm learning, I'm, I'm taking tips from other people. You know, I was talking to Ivan Meisner, who founded a bni, which is a huge business networking, worldwide thing, and he just says, you know, I'm gonna have to say no because I'm afraid I would let you down. I don't really, you know, and, and just leaving it like that. Usually the mistake we all make is too much talking. You know, thank you for asking me, but I'm gonna pass this time, you know, thank you for thinking of me. I'm gonna say no, no for now. And, and just then closing your lips and not filling in that awkwardness with any more words. Mm. Just. And that, and part of that, Lori, really is just like, I, I love and honor myself so much that I'm not going to take on or say yes to anything that I really truly don't want to do.

I'm always trying to remind myself of that. Just, you don't, like, you don't need a reason, and they don't need a reason to choose your happiness or your health or your family or just some space.

Yeah. You really don't have to fill it in with all kinds of details. You don't have to conjure a big story. All you have to do is lovingly say, no, thank you.

That's so good. It's so funny, Sheri. I save emails of people who've said no to me so I can, like, learn how to. Or I just, like, retype them.

Oh, my God, that is hilarious. And I'm going to do that as well, because I didn't learn how to do that. Well, I didn't, you know. You know, when I had to do it, you know, when I could do it. Isn't this interesting? I could do it when I was saying no for Oprah, you know, when, when I had to protect her or her time or her mission or anything. I could. I could say no to anybody about anything. So I do find that interesting. There's still a little piece of me that it's easier for me to show up that way with, you know, full reverence and respect for somebody else. And what I'm learning to do now in the middle of my life, which is to show up that way for me.

Oh, man, that's so good. I can't help but think of, like, the funny emails we could send if we started speaking in third person. Like, oh, no, Lori needs more rest than this. Oh, no, Sherry needs some more hilarious.

We can pretend to be our own fake assistant.

Just third person speaking in our emails at all times.

That's right.

So there's, you know, you're. You wrote so candidly, and I freaking love that because I think that's how we really. We can say, oh, my God, I am not alone in this, or this is exactly how I feel. And you spoke a lot about really having to look. You know, you have a quote that said, are you strong enough to look with fresh eyes at the story of your life. So how would I. If I'm going to look at something that I haven't been wanting to look at, or I'm avoiding, or I know that there's, you know, a mess over here in the closet that I'm not willing to look at yet, how do you sit down and look at that and how do you know it's going to be better on the other side?

Well, here's the one place where I would start. You Got. You've got to introduce yourself and spend a little time with that voice in your head. Because what I found, and this is something that, you know, in talking to people, other people have had similar things. That voice in my head was very harsh, very unloving, very unkind. And I was almost oblivious to those conversations. That ongoing tape of harshness about how I wasn't enough or I wasn't worthy or I was too fat or, oh, that was stupid what you said just now or whatever kind of ongoing critiquing. I just didn't monitor it, and it just ruled the day, unbeknownst to me. So, first of all, before I could even begin to look at my life in a more honest way and really kind of excavate those stories, I had to say, okay, what voice is coming with me on this reckoning? And what I realized is I needed the same voice. I used to talk to Bella and Kissy, my English Bulldogs, or to a stranger's baby in a grocery store. That's the voice I needed to use, which is, okay, my beloved, you're all right, my beloved, you're going to survive this. Honest. Look at the things you haven't taken care of. And it's going to be okay, because just by doing this, you're beginning. You're going to clean it up. So I always had to be really careful that I had the tender voice engaged and that the mean voice was silenced or asked to sit down or take a. Take a chair. And then I went through what Nancy and I call the pillars of our lives, the eight areas that for us, kind of constitute the things we care about. And it's everything from relationships to romance to your home to beauty to health and wellness to spirituality and happiness. And I just went through each one. I'm like, how you doing there? Do you like what you've manifested, what you've created so far? And sometimes it was, yeah, this is really good. Okay, what's your next dream here? Well, you know, and then I'd come up with new dreams, and in some areas, it was like, wow, you have really kicked this to the curb. But today's a new day, so what do you. What are you going to do here? And, you know, there's a thing that if anybody who's ever struggled with weight will totally. This will resonate so deeply with you. You can literally gain tens of dozens of twenties of fifties of sixties of eighties of pounds and not be conscious of it. Of course you're buying bigger clothes. Of course you're not wearing Anything tight or anything. Of course, on some level you know it. But you can literally move through the world as if it's not happening. And your vibe to everybody who cares about you is say nothing. This is not a topic that's up for discussion. So you can, even though you're dragging this weight around and even though you have to put it into clothes and bathe it and all kinds of things, you can literally keep going as if it's not happening. That is. That is the level of denial you can put yourself in, because otherwise it would just be too unbearable. But that's the thing that you come to see is that sitting with the unbearable and completely feeling how unbearable it is. And in whatever area of your life that you've neglected, you can get to the other side of unbearable. And on the other side of unbearable is hope. And that's the beginning. And you engage your tender voice and you coach yourself up and you compliment yourself and you love yourself and you encourage yourself. And that's the beginning of real transformation.

Wow. So moving. Moving from like the state of resistance, like knowing it's there and not ever looking at it. Moving from the state of resistance to like full, like accepting the unbearable.

Yes, yes. Because what else are you to do? Just continuing to avoid and ignore it. It's still following you around, still there.

It's getting bigger, actually. Yes.

You know, and really that is the lesson to those of you who are younger, who are chronologically younger, which is handle your luggage now. Handle your luggage now because it just doesn't go away. Next thing you know, you got trunks and trunks and trunks of heartache and disappointments and, and grief you haven't processed and, you know, and that harsh, mean voice. You got to handle it in the moment. You got to move. You want your life to be like a carry on bag. Light and nimble and flexible and resilient and transcendent. And you really don't want to be the woman like I have often been who has cargo a wagon train hitch to her.

Oh, Sherry, you have so much wisdom. What would you say to people? I don't know if it's because of our times or because we're talking about it more, but more and more. I mean, I mean, when I ask people what questions they have, it's like, it's overwhelming. How many women have massive anxiety turning into panic attacks, like full on panic attacks. So what would you say to the people who are dealing just with anxiety in their everyday life? That's really starting to creep into their, you know, to what was their solitude?

Well, listen, there is nothing wrong with reaching out for help, so let's start there. There's nothing, you know, and there's everything to gain from it. And, you know, I was just talking to somebody the other day who said actually hiring a life coach was completely and totally transformative. So I think, you know, if you really feel like you can't get a handle on something like that, I think you reach out and you figure out how you're going to support yourself through it. Like you would for a friend. If your friend came to you and said, I have. It's ruining the quality of my life. The level of anxiety I'm feeling, you would say, let's find you somebody. Let's find somebody to support you through this. So I would say there's that option. The second thing is. And there are moments, Please, I'm now an entrepreneur. I've moved to a new place. There are moments when I have tremendous anxiety. And what I know is in that moment when I'm like, wow, my mind's racing, my heart's racing a little bit. I'm clearly worried about something. It's usually something. I'm worried about something that may or may not ever happen. I'm worried about somebody else of which I have no control over. The things I'm worried about usually aren't things that are actually totally in my own garden. But I soothe myself. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. I literally start patting my leg. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. All is well. All is well. All is well. You need your mantras. What are the words that kind of soothe you back into, like, slower breathing and, you know, all that really, really, really practical stuff. I soak in the tub, I take a shower and imagine my worries are going down to the down, down the drain. I use the practices that I've learned over a lifetime.

That's pretty much exactly what I do.

Yeah. Just sharing your anxiety, being able to speak it out loud and saying, am I crazy? I am completely panicked and anxious about this thing. And with a trusted tribemate, Lori Harder trusted tribemate, you sit down and you say, I need to be. I need some help coaching myself out of this.

It's.

And that's the real purpose of friendship, for sure. Not commiserating. Not commiserating.

Amen. Like, coaching each other out of it. That's so beautiful. And really, that I love hearing just. It's over and over from amazing people that I always talk to. It's like, it's the Rep. It's almost like the positive reparenting of yourself. Like really like it's going to be okay. Like going back to that loving voice. So Sheri, I every. This is what I'll say about your book. Like every woman that I'm close to, I want my mom to read it, I want my sister to read it. I want my mother in law to read it. I want my best friends to read it because it's such important information and it's done in such a fun, beautiful, emotional, just.

It's.

It's a book that you will just thoroughly enjoy reading and sharing. So I'm so grateful for you and I'm so glad that you took the journey to write it.

Thank you, Lori. Thank you.

So where can we find it? Where can we get it?

It's at all the bookstores. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, the independent bookstores. I'm going to offer a free companion workbook so you can have your own beautiful no experience that will be@thebeautifulknow.com and I really appreciate, I mean if this conversation resonates, I would love for people to pick up a copy and be a part of it with us and.

Share it, you guys. So make sure that you just, if you love it, that you are sharing it with all of the people you love. And we have to, you have to share what changes your life and I think that's so incredibly important. So Sheri, I'm beyond grateful for you. I will make sure to link this up, you guys, so you can just click in the show notes and you can go directly to her book, which is out now. And Sheri, again, I'm just. Every conversation I have with you feels like, I don't know, like a really, really delicious meal.

Same here. Well, I love you, Lori. I so admire you. I have so much respect for the work you're doing in the world. And this platform is, it's a sacred platform. It really is. And it is the honor of my life to be asked back. So thank you so much, my friend.

Thank you so much.

And you guys, if you loved this.

Episode episode as much as I did, make sure you share it and literally text it to a friend right now. Okay? Until next time, earn your happy.

Bye everyone.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, Tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye bye Sa.