388: Turning Surviving into Thriving with Monique Bryan

Having the right support systems around you to hold you up when you can't hold yourself up. Those are the only things that saved me. I didn't save myself. I could do all the positive talk in the world, but I didn't feel any of that on those deepest, darkest days.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, life's entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Thanks so much for tuning back into the show. I'm always so grateful that you come back or if this is your first time, welcome. I'm so excited, especially that you have tuned in during this guest. And I can tell you that today's guest, I was so incredibly blessed to have her as a speaker at the Bliss Project. And something that I do at the Bliss Project every year is I pick two to three stories to share. Something that I call a tribe talk, which is basically like a TED talk. So they have to do a mini talk summarizing a story that has impacted their life that they know will help other people, that will impact other people. And they have to say this talk or give this talk in 10 minutes, you guys. So I think these talks are so much harder than actually giving a 30 to 60 minute talk because it's like, what in the heck do you say in 10 minutes? Well, I will tell you. What she said had everybody laughing, had everybody crying and had everybody left feeling completely, just in immense gratitude and completely shifted. So today my guest is Monique Bryan and I could not wait to have her on to hear more than the 10 minutes than I got to hear at Bliss Project and really connect with her, this woman. And you'll hear in this story. But I knew she was going to be one of the speakers or one of the tribe talkers at the next year when I met her. She is convicted by her message. She is such a light and so much energy and you will learn exactly why and how she does this and how she shows up in such a beautiful way. So Monique Bryan is a speaker, a Personal branding expert. A triple positive breast cancer survivor, Monique helps successful women entrepreneurs package and sell their genius and unlock the lucrative world of personal brand building. She brings over 15 years of top level industry experience. She's been featured in Entrepreneur magazine. She's a highly requested speaker and panelist. She draws widespread admiration for her passion, hustle, and unshakable commitment to helping women showcase their expertise and pitch with confidence. So, with no further ado, let's get started.

Monique, I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. Thank you so much for coming on today.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here.

So, you guys, something that a lot of you may not know, unless of course, you were at the Bliss Project this last year, is that Monique did something called a tribe talk there where I literally give people about eight to 10 minutes on stage, and I asked them to share their story in a super small chunk of time. It's a little bit like a TED Talk, and I usually only pick two people, but this year I had three people because there's just been so many freaking awesome stories that need to be told. And Monique, when you were up there sharing your talk, I was literally like, oh, my God, she's got to come on the podcast to share this with more people, not only because you're an epic speaker, but because you have an amazing story. So, number one, I'm super thrilled that you said yes to the podcast.

As if I would say no. It's such an honor.

And number two, I would love to hear. Why don't we just kick off with that?

What was your.

Just the experience leading up to preparing for a talk for the talk. Because you know what? I think there's so many people who are preparing for something that maybe they've been looking forward to. And I really want to get real about what that journey and the craziness and the ups and downs can actually feel like.

Okay, perfect. Because it was crazy. I have to say, when I knew I would be coming to Bliss to speak, I was like, over the moon, elated. Like, literally running through my house, like, to my husband dancing up the store. I was like, oh, my God, honey, I want to be on Bliss talking on stage.

You know?

And I went from that place of being really excited to being like, holy shit, what the hell? Am I going to be able to relate to women in eight to 10 minutes? I was like, doing a talk for, like, 40 minutes is easy. Eight to 10 minutes. Nobody realizes how difficult that is. And I remember I was up like, every night to, like, I'd be sleeping, and I'd get up at, like, 4am having a night of what I want to say. And I was like, monique, you know your story. Why is this so difficult? And I really wanted to. I did want to talk about my story, but I did want audience to be left with, what can they. How does it impact them? Like, what can be different for them now from hearing it? And that was really, really important to me. So I was getting up at these weird hours, just jotting things down. And at one point, it was seven days before I was supposed to get on that stage. And I went to my husband, and I was like, cory, honey, I'm gonna have to let Lori know I can't come. He's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, I have nothing written down. He's like, why are you being so crazy? I said, I don't know. It's really important to me. I told Lori I would be there this year from last year when I had no idea that this was actually gonna be a thing. And I told her I was ready, and I don't know what I want to say. And I went to Anjali, the girl in my triad who always has my back. And I was supposed. She was supposed to be my practice buddy, you know, I was like, I'm going to practice my talk because, you know, I have to have it memorized. And I went to her. It was like, four days before we're supposed to get on this plane. And I said, I have nothing. I don't know what to say. And she's like, monique, cut it out. She was just like, if you were on stage right now, what would you say? And I was like. And I started talking it out, and, you know, at one point, I got really choked up by what I was saying. And I was like, I can't talk about that, because then I'm going to stumble and I'm not going to know. I'm going to lose my place, and I'm going to screw this whole thing up. And I only have 10 minutes. And she's like, but that's what they want to hear. They don't want this, like, overly polished version of some fake story. They want the realness. So go give it to them. And it was like. And it's so funny, because the theme this year was permission. And she gave me permission to get a little messy and just be real with it. And literally that night, I wrote the entire thing.

Oh, my God. Okay, so this is timing Is so divine. Because right now, you're just offering me back a gift right now. Because I do not have my talk done for three days from now.

I know.

I feel like, legitimately, like you were just saying that. And tears just, like, welled up in my eyes because it's so. This is the part that I want people to hear. Like, sometimes you're not given the words for a reason until right before is because it's so much about, like, you almost need to drop into the event, like, and have somebody, like, shake it out of you and be like, stop trying to say the right thing and just say the thing, the truth, like, the real thing. So I love. I never got to hear this part of the story. Like, you know, I'm sitting here doing your talk.

Yeah. You're like, monique, are you ready? And I was so ready. Because I was so ready. I, like, memorized it.

Yeah.

From a point. Like, I tape recorded myself speaking, saying the talk. So I would listen to it for the next four days and on the plane. So it was like my voice was in my head. Like, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. Because the day of, I didn't have time to practice it. I had put together this whole photo shoot, and I was so nervous that I literally was sitting there before I was supposed to go on stage. I was like, monique, you didn't even practice today. And then another voice said to me, yeah, but you know this. You know it. And the funny thing was, is I know I had a clicker with these prompts, right. I didn't know how to work it. When I went up there, first of all, I was so out of it. Even though it didn't look. I looked really calm because I was just watching the talk. And I remember looking at the chair and there was a box of Kleenex. Like a Kleenex, little, little square. And then there was the clicker, and they were the same size. And I was like, monique, pick one up. I said, when I first saw the stage, pick it up. And I was like, pick up the clicker. And I looked at the clicker, I looked at the screen, and I was like, holy shit, I don't know what I'm doing. And the whole screen went black. And I was like, that's it. You better know it because it's not on the screen anymore.

Oh, my God. I had no idea. That is so crazy.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, so I. It's funny because I know. I understand the debacle of the 10 minute talk because I had you know, a TED Talk, which was A technically an 18 minute talk, but I think mine finished at 17 minutes. And let me tell you, getting I was like, oh this will be easy. Like you know, I'm going to blink and it's going to go by okay, well how do you summarize your life story in 10 or 17 minutes? It's virtually one of the things that I had to learn and this is something that we can kind of chat about in order to get up there and be able to do that. You have to release so much. You have to release thinking that you get to share the context. You have to release thinking that you're going to be misunderstood because you just don't get to add the details. You don't get to. All you can say is the story and kind of like hope that that is enough. Was there any parts that you were like, oh my God, if I don't share this, will they understand? Or if I don't do this, are they going to take this the wrong way? What were a lot of your thoughts around the fear Thoughts?

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Oh my God. I, I eliminated so much to get down to that time frame. I, and I had. The best thing to do was for me was to say it in front of others. And I was like, what can I take? Because I had to shave a good five minutes off of that. And there were pieces just around, like being diagnosed with cancer and me describing what that was like in that moment. I thought that that was a really important piece I had to leave in there. And I didn't do that in my talk. I didn't really talk about that moment. I really thought that that was important to people because I felt like that was somebody's biggest fear. You go to the doctor, you're waiting for the results, and then he's like, I'm so sorry you have cancer. And I thought like, people want to know what that moment's about. So I had written this long thing about, you know, feeling like the floor had been ripped from underneath me. My husband's holding my Hand. There's echoing in my ear. The doctor I want to punch in the face but cry at the same time. They hand you this stupid bag that says breast cancer on it with a bunch of shit you never look at, because who wants to read that right now? I'm like, there was just so many pieces that I was like, people want to know this. But again, I came back to, what do I want them to be left with? It's not the you had your greatest fear realize. And now, oh, my God, this is what it's like. Can you imagine? It wasn't about that. It was about, what are you doing today? So if that day ever came, you have no regrets. That's what I wanted them to be left with. So I had to start with the end in mind. And I just kept coming back to that place because my friends who were listening, who know me and who know this story, were like, what do you want them to be left with? That's it. That's the only thing that matters, because that's what they're going to remember. How do you want to be remembered? And I was like, I want them to remember to get off their ass. I want them to go do whatever they want to do. I want them to do it today. I don't want them to wait. That's what I want. And they're like, good. Then that other shit that was about you, and it was horrible, but you don't need to spend five minutes talking about it.

So is it now I'm just. I'm in the spiral with you. Oh, man. I can't even imagine what had to and how much just of your story and healing had to even happen before you could even tell a story like that, in that way. Because I can only. You know, you have to. You have to be in it and you have to go through it. So now that we've got a little bit longer form to be able to share, I would like to know that moment of being diagnosed, like, what did you.

When.

When you were there, what was even. What was happening in your mind? Did you have any idea what was going on?

When I was first. When I was first.

When you were first diagnosed? When I first diagnosed, yeah.

Well, you know, when I first found the lump and I thought it was nothing, it didn't hurt. It was so faint. When I felt it, I was like, there's probably nothing really even there. Maybe it's my imagination. And then when the doctor felt it, he said the same thing. It's probably nothing. But when he called Me two days later at my work, which he never does. He never calls me. I was like, well, he's either telling me it's bad, or he's telling me, don't worry about it. When. And he was just like, monique, it's serious. And I was like. I literally. I remember holding onto a chair because I almost fell over because I was like, what are you saying? And he couldn't. He's like, I can't say for sure what it is, but we need to do a lot more tests. And within two weeks, I had, you know, two ultrasounds, two mammograms, an mri, biopsy, and then the diagnosis. And I was just, like, a shock of, you know, what I really felt. Even though it was a shock, I was, like, really angry. Not because it was cancer, but because I thought I had been doing everything right. I thought I was eating right. I was being positive. I was doing my personal development. I married, you know, like, somebody very supportive. I fixed all my relationships with people in life. I thought I was doing everything right. And for me to still get it, I felt like. I felt betrayed. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt betrayed by just the universe. I was like, what the fuck? Like, are you. This couldn't be possible. I was so busy telling everyone else what to do with their health. Like, not even a joke. When people had like, how do I lose weight? I was like, okay, girl, this is what you need to do. You need to cut out gluten, and then there's this, and you need to get on this diet that I'm on now. I was seriously on my high horse about things, and I got knocked down so fast that I was like, clear. I know nothing. Whatever I thought I knew, I know nothing. That's what I kept saying to myself. And I was just like. And I didn't feel like I had cancer. I felt perfectly fine. So I was like, the doctor's obviously wrong. He's a liar. This is a conspiracy. Like, everything you can think of. I was like, no, this can't be right. I probably need a third opinion. You know, my husband talked me off of that ledge, and he was just like, it's gonna be fine. And I was like, oh, no, it's gonna be fine because I say so. But I still want to see why these guys want to be pumping me through, pumping me full of medication, because I. Fine. You know, And I was in denial for a long. I was in denial for a while. I postponed the chemo I was supposed to be on. You know, they Were like, okay, Monique, we need to start your chemo. And I was like, I have some trips planned right now. That's not going to work for me. I'll get back to you. And she kept calling me. She was like, monique. Until my husband was like, listen. I said, okay, I'm ready. I am ready to go because I'm going to beat this thing, you know? But it took me to meet someone else who had cancer, who said to me. Because I said. I said, I need some advice. No one else, everyone else is telling me what to do, what they think I should do, and none of them have been here. And she said. I said, what advice do you wish someone had given you at the time? And she said, feel it all. She gave me permission to feel it. I will never forget that moment. I was at the Girl Boss rally in la and I got to ask. I was the last one to get to ask a question. And she said, feel it all. Feel the anger, feel the sadness, whatever you want to feel. Don't stay there too long, but don't let anyone else tell you how you're going to feel or how to feel in that moment. And that was the best. She's like. And she said, don't try and take care of anyone else's feelings while you're going through this. Thank God she said this to me because I would have been trying to make everyone else around me comfortable, which would have stressed me out, and I wouldn't have time. I wouldn't have been healing. I would have been too stressed because I was my mom. I love my mom. There's nothing my mom would not do for me, but she wears a lot of her feelings on her face. And when you're sick, the last thing you want to do is see people's faces mirror back to you. The worry and the fear. It's the hardest thing to do. It is the hardest thing. So I really stayed away from a lot of people on the days when I was feeling really. Even the days when I was feeling good, because some of those people just don't know how to fix their face. So I had to be like, listen, this is not going to work for me. That was the best advice I was given. And so I never felt bad about feeling bad, feeling tired. I couldn't even, like, when I couldn't walk up the stairs or I couldn't go to the. I couldn't even get in my car and get out of. I get to the grocery store and I couldn't go into the grocery store and I'd be there for hours thinking, like, I can't lift my legs out of the damn car. And my husband would call me be like, where the hell are you? I was like, I am at the grocery store down the street. He's like, and you were there because. I was like, because I want to be independent, insane. He's like, all right, call me when you're finished. All right. All right, good.

Wow.

Well, you just told. Shared so many things that literally, I can only imagine how many things that you went through and the feelings in the emotions that have also carried into everything that you are doing and living now. Because I just feel like every time you speak, I just learned so many lessons that are applicable to everyone's life and my life especially. So I want to. So you're at the point of, you know, feeling like, I just need to heal. I just need to focus on me, which was probably a pretty new concept for you. And what were the reminders that you had to tell yourself through this period? Because I know that you're someone who's like, you know, I'm going to beat this. I'm going to survive. This is going to be. It's going to be on my terms. But what does it look like when you're in those moments where it just. You can't see. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Yeah. There were many. Not many of those days. Many of the days I couldn't see the light because even though I had told myself, I'm gonna beat this, it's easy to say it before you're feeling like absolute shit.

Right.

It's when you're in it, like, it's like one o' clock in the morning, and you literally. It's just you and your pain. Right. So one thing I can say is I couldn't talk myself out of those holes in those moments. So I'm very lucky to have a spouse who's very supportive and knows how to control his face. And knows how to control his face. So on those days, always having someone check in on me was very important, because one minute literally would go from one minute, I'm perfectly fine to the next minute, I'm like, sobbing. So having the right. Creating those tribes around you, and that's something I got to talk about. Right. Like, on stage was everything. Having the right support systems around you to hold you up when you can't hold yourself up, Those are the only things that save me. I didn't save myself. I could do all the positive talk in the world. But I didn't feel any of that on those deepest, darkest days. So I had, you know, a coach. I was in a coaching program before I got diagnosed. And you know, Audrey, my angel, you know, she stepped in and was like, I'm your cancer coach now. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, you pick up the phone. And because she knew who I was, she always reminded me, this too will pass. You will go on to do great things and after this, you will go on to live a juicy, delicious life. And I was like, oh.

There are.

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Every time she said it, it would just spark a little bit. I didn't believe her at the time. I was like, this is bs. I was like, please, okay? Please. But it kept me going, it kept me pushing. And with a funny thing with chemo in my situation, anyways, I can't be for everyone. I find everybody's situation is different. But it would be like six days of absolute horror. And then on the seventh day, it's like a cloud lifts from your brain and you can see again. Wow. And you're like, wow, okay, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I would get chemo every two weeks. So it would be like six days of hell. Seventh day. Okay, eighth, I'm waking up. Ninth. I'm feeling better. By the time I hit day 14, I was like, whoa, I am on fire. And then I'd have chemo again, and it would start again. So during those happy times, those days, those five days, I would do whatever energy I had. I would go do. I go shopping, I go out with friends, whatever it is. And what I realized when today, as I got better, I said, I will never take these days for granted again. I will never take a healthy day for granted again. All these little nuances I was missing because I was so busy chasing my life. So I was like, when I'm done this, I wasn't even finished yet. And I launched my new business because I was like, everyone should be living their juicy, delicious life. And if they're not doing that, what are they doing? I don't want them to have to get cancer to feel it. Unfortunately, that's usually the case. Something really as, you know, something really dramatic has to happen before we wake up. So I'm like, no, I don't care what I have to do and who I have to do it to, but I am all about helping women get what they want. Now, today.

You literally, you are like, Running. All of these lessons are just running parallel. I feel for life, which is you are just. I really hope that people are, you know, no matter if they can relate or not. There are so many beautiful lessons in here about just the cycle of life. And yes, it was chemo, but the cycle that you're sharing is pretty insane. Just really talking about how in order to heal, you literally had to stop feeling resistance around feeling bad. You had to stop feeling bad about feeling bad and just feel it and let it be what it is. I think so many of us wake up and we feel guilty about feeling bad, or we feel bad about resistance, or we feel bad about procrastination, or we spend more time feeling bad than being able to let go of that, just feel it, and then be able to move forward quicker and really enjoy those days. Right. Like, when you started to feel good, you're like, that's it. I'm, like, not going to stay focused on feeling bad. I'm going to really use these days when I feel good because it's. It's going to be a cycle again. It's going to be a cycle again. You are just, like, schooling me today with, like, it's okay. It's going to be a cycle again. So, like, let the cycle take place and really enjoy the good days.

You're literally reading my mind. Yes.

Oh, my God. It's, like, just so beautiful. You know, it's crazy how we learn so much from the pain, and when we're in it, you just can't. You're like, no, there's no learning here. I just hate life.

Yes.

But that's why we need our husbands, our partners, our. Audrey's. Right. So how did you meet Audrey?

I met Audrey through a program called Landmark Education. Okay. And it's a personal and professional training, growth and development company. And I'd been doing different program, different programs there around personal development and coaching people in their lives. And she was a head coach in this program. And it's funny because when I met her, I actually didn't like her at all. I was like, she was just. And I know why she was so clear about who she was. There was an unwaveringness about that that I totally was so jealous of. It was like she just stood so firm, and this is who I am. Take me or leave me. And when I joined the program and she was the head coach and I had. I went to her and I was like, I had all of these reasons for why I couldn't be in this program. And she Looked at me, and she's got these really piercing blue eyes. And she was staring really close to me, actually. And I was like, what's wrong with this woman? I was like, just back up. You know? And she's wears, like, if you saw her, you would just. You can't help but love her. She just looks like she has, like, this big, giant, like, mane of, like, blonde hair, and she's, like, short, but she wears these really tall high heels in these business suits. She's just, like, a badass. And she looked at me and she said, you know, Monique, coaching people is a privilege. Did you know that you don't have to be here? And I was so taken aback. I was like, does she know who I am? You know, I was like. And I said, okay. And I sat down and I joined the program because I was like, you know what? But we always meet. I just felt like she had come into my life for a reason. She was one of those people who were not going to let me push her around. And I felt like I'm a pretty strong personality, and if I can find someone to match my personality, I feel like I'm going to learn a lot from this woman. And that's how we met. And through the program, we became closer and closer just because she just always saw me even bigger as, like. I don't want to say bigger than I was, but who I wanted to be is how she always spoke to me. It wasn't from wherever I was at, whatever I was complaining about or whatever I was. It was like, monique, I know you, who you are. I know what you're out to accomplish in the world, and that's the only way I'm going to address you as a big person doing big things.

Isn't that scary?

It's scary. And the best gift anyone can ever give you, because who else in your life is going to do that for you? Who?

Yeah, it's like, really? I have moments like that with some people where I'm like, I will. I can find myself wanting to like you. Like, you just kind of want to run the other way because you know they're going to call you to the carpet, and it's not going to be comfortable. It's not going to.

No.

I want to feel bad over here for longer.

Yes. Yeah. Let me have my pity party. Let me have my complaints and my.

Ailments and my excuses.

Yeah, my excuses.

These excuses are keeping me safe. Like, you're not allowed to strip me of these.

Yeah, this is familiar. Over here. You're going to push me into a realm I'm not sure about yet.

So what did she push you towards that you did not feel ready for? Was there anything that you were like, oh, man, I said, like, my higher self definitely said yes to this, but my lower self is kind of coming through?

Well, definitely. I didn't think that I had any authority to be coaching anybody in their life. I feel like people are. They know their lives. Who am I to tell you about yourself? But what I realized, what coaching actually is, when I think of, like, the best athletes in the world, they didn't get there on their own. They had someone in their corner pointing out little things where if they just made those little adjustments, they would be great. I was like. When I learned that, I was like, that's what I want to be doing. And then when I was going through the diagnosis and just finding out from in the early days, she's like, monique, one day you're going to write about this, you're going to tell the world about this, and you're going to help so many women. And at the time, I was really scared of that. I was like, don't tell me to go and make a difference. I just got diagnosed. I don't want to make a difference. And within days, I had launched my blog called Surprises Cancer. And to this day, this is two years later, I still get messages from people who found this blog. Just me telling my story. I did every raw account of that journey and people thanking me, saying I wasn't ready to share my story. I'm not even ready. I don't have anybody supportive around me to talk to. But to be able to read what you went through and look at you now, it gives me hope. And like that, it just. That's really moving for me.

Can we just cry today?

We can, we can.

It's just one of those days. And this is such a beautiful. I just think it's so, you know, one of the biggest things for me that I want to get across to people, because it's just impacted my life and clearly it's impacted yours, too, is the choice to make meaning out of the darkness and how that can really pull you through and how that can help you heal and how the healing of yourself obviously can be used to help other people. And I can't imagine not being able to have learned how to make meaning out of those places in my life. So for you, what does that even mean to you to make meaning out of.

Out of those.

Those dark times? Why is that important.

I just. It's everything. It's funny. And I don't know if it's that, that, you know, everything, quote, unquote, everything happens for a reason. Like when you. When you think of that and when. When you're. Especially when you're sick and people say that to you and you're like, oh, my God, please shut up or I will kill you. So you're not feeling it in the moment. And it's not until maybe two years later where you get to talk on stage at a bliss project in front of 500 women, and then one or two of those 500 women come up to you and say, thank you. I get my diagnosis. Like, I get my results in a few days. You're like, yeah, Monique, everything happens for a reason. Now me and that person are in contact. She doesn't have anyone to talk to, but she knows she can text me when she needs me. You know, like, there's all of these little moments that I'm like, there's never a moment now where I'm like, there's a lesson. I don't know what the lesson is yet, but it's coming. When you're in those down moments, especially when I was in it, I was like, there's going to be. Something's got to come out of this. I cannot go through this for nothing. And some people go through cancer. And people I ended up knowing later, like, my esthetician had cervical cancer. Of course she never talks to me about it, but I'm like, if we never talk about it, how is anyone else going to feel supported? As they. And this is not to guilt anyone. Everyone's journey is their own. But for the few who do want to share it, there is so much power in that, and I've seen it firsthand that I couldn't imagine it being any other way. So there's just. I just like the amount of opportunities I've had since that time. The people I've spoken to, people who I didn't even know had seen me speak somewhere. Because when I first was diagnosed, I was speaking everywhere. I don't care where it was. I was like, you want me to talk about cancer? I will come and talk about cancer. Because I am clear that if I hadn't been checking my breasts, I never would have found it. And there was. I can't even believe I found it. So if everyone out there is not checking, which none of my friends were, I will come and tell them. So I was speaking everywhere. Who would have me? And somebody came up To. I went up to someone. I went to an event, and I was actually going up to this speaker telling them how much I loved her talk. And she's like, we've met before. And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, I was at your talk last year at the Boobies and something gallery. And right after that, I went and got myself checked, and they found something and they removed it. But had I not been there, I never would have thought. And I was like, oh, my God. Wow. Just like these little reminders that the cancer piece I will never stop talking about. It's not something I get past or over, you know, it's like, it's a constant reminder to keep on sharing, keep on helping whoever, one woman, one man, whoever.

The power of just sharing that. The power of sharing just where we're at. The power of sharing how you're feeling. It's really. It's been something that has dramatically impacted my life. When people share where they're at. When people share their journeys. Right now, like, literally, I'm like, I need to go get a breast exam. Thank you for this, Tori.

It will be you. You damn well better.

I am literally going to. You know, it's been really. And that's honestly the story of my journey is just sharing how I feel has been one of the most. I think, you know, when people are like, what's my purpose? What should I be doing? Just honestly, just start by sharing how you're even feeling. Like the other day I had share that I was feeling anxious about something to some people who I guess would have no idea that I have anxiety. But it's definitely a part of my journey. And I think just even that gives. In particular, this woman came up and she was like, I definitely. I needed to hear that today. This was one of the biggest things. I've changed so many parts of my life because I have anxiety and I thought I had to tap out of life because of this. And I'm like, no, no, you keep going. You're just a little more crazy than everyone else. It's fine. But the power of just sharing our fears and how it loses its power. So what have you noticed around whether it's cancer or just sharing other pieces of your life, that it has dramatically given people permission, but really it's about giving yourself permission first. So what's something in your life that you've had to give yourself permission for that's also free to other people?

I give my. You know, it's kind of like I came out of that experience with, like zero fucks to give. Like, in terms of, like, permission. It's like, everything is, if I want it, it's a yes. Wow. And I know it's hard because people won't have the same experience and be like, oh, well, I want to live in that place. But, like, literally, that's the place I'm in. And I still have my down moments. I have my, like, I just had to go have my last follow up for my radiation appointment. And going back to the hospital where I haven't been in a long time, I was getting anxiety and seeing all of these cancer. I was like, oh, my God. And I was like, monique, just relax. It's gonna be fine. You're fine. And even if it was the worst kind of news, how is it going to be any different than how you would operate before? It's not. You're going to go after whatever you want and you're going to go get whatever you want. And I tell myself that literally. And the amazing things that have manifested since that time are quite insane, right? And. And that's what I try and tell every woman I meet. Whatever they want, it's yours. You just got to get out of your own way. So how do we do that? Let's go do it. And so there's like, now there isn't any permission I need for anything because I know that it's like that gift of knowing our time isn't. Isn't forever. So you're like, okay, I can sit here and fret about it and worry about it, or I could just go after it if I follow my face. Well, how's that any different from me sitting here worrying and fretting about it? Like, I might as well have said, at least I did that thing. Like when you first were like, did you want to come sneak at Bliss? I was like, no, of course not. I don't have enough time. It's three weeks away. I don't have an outfit. I don't have a plane ticket. No, absolutely not. That was the first. Those are the words that went through my head. And I messaged Meg. I messaged my friend. I was like, meg, oh my God, this is what's happening. And she's like, if you say no, you are insane because this is all you've ever wanted. So shut the hell up and say yes. I don't care what Lori says. Say yes to whatever Lori says. And I was like, oh, my God, she's right. She's right. Who cares if it's Only three weeks away, you know, and I ended up writing the talk in like four days away. So all that. That tribe comes back around all the time. Like, I think. I think that's why I also gravitated so much towards what you do and how I really just like this whole concept of tribe we talk about. You know, people say it and it's becoming like this whole buzz thing now. Tribe, tribe. But, like, when you're really living tribe, that's a whole different way of being. And it's the thing that will have you push forward, the doing it by yourself. Because I was the queen of doing it by myself. I don't need anyone if it's to be. It's up to me, all of that. And when I couldn't do for myself anymore and I had to lean on other people, I was like, Wow. 1. I didn't know other people could be so giving. I mean, I don't know if that just thing I grew up with. And then the other thing was, it's like, how much further can I go if we went together? You know, like, I don't want to be on a stage somewhere and not one of my friends are in the audience. You know, I don't want to reach that quote unquote level of success without being able to bring my tribe with me. What is the fun in that? Right? So I think if anyone is out there listening and thinking about, like, if they're sitting in any of their fears about what it is they need to do, their tribe is not the tribe for them, then they need to go build a new one. They need to buy. They need to build something around them who always are there to remind them, you got this. You're a badass. You can have whatever you want. It's okay to put yourself first. Go after it. We got your back.

Like, that's.

It's so. It seems so, like, small, but I'm telling you, without these two ladies who came with me, Anjali and Meg, and pushed me the whole way three weeks up to leading to us getting there, I wouldn't have had the freedom on that stage that I did. I felt so held and supported. Not even just from them, but the audience of Bliss is quite epic. Right? They've got you, which is amazing, but I just felt completely at peace.

Oh, well, we're sending them a huge thank you today on this podcast because we love them. I'm so grateful for them. I loved watching all of your stories, like, just leading up to it. I was like, oh, my God, I'M like nervous and excited. I'm right there with you guys because I was on my own journey at the same time, right? Kind of like with everybody. I'm like, no, I'm really right with you. You don't even know. So talking about that, there's this huge piece and it's the piece that I think when people are listening to this and when I'm talking about go build that tribe, go find those people, go find that supportive group, there's this piece in the middle where you kind of touched on it earlier, where you even said, my mom has trouble with her face sometimes. I know when I need something that I'm going to have to avoid certain people. And for a lot of people, it is there family or their old best friend that they grew up with or their mom or even sometimes their spouse. And it's like, what do we do in the interim of knowing that that particular group is not necessarily serving us in the way that we need right now? And sometimes it feels like a light. And I know that especially with what we were talking about life or death situations, like, really, you were in one. But really it's the death of the unlived life, right? The death of an unlived if we don't create this new group of people to help pull us to our highest version of ourselves. So that path where we kind of have to let go of people and it can feel like we're leaving them and we can feel awful because it's what we learned about growing up is just to be the nice person and that you have to bring everyone with you or whatever that looks like. What does that path look like? How do we set boundaries? What do we do when we leave the old or just move on to spending more time with the new?

What.

What does that look like?

Well, I mean, from the family standpoint, you know, I mean, as you know, in your own situation, just you can't. Your family is your family, right? So one thing I found, like my mom and it's different when it's your parents, right? Like their worry is their worry because they're a parent.

Right.

I'm not a parent yet, so I don't even know what it is yet. So I know whatever she's dealing with is from a fear, from a parent's point of view. So I get it. One thing that we did establish was even though her and I couldn't hang out all the time while I had cancer because it just wasn't compatible, she could do other things for me. So she did my laundry the entire time I was sick. So for a good six to eight months, until I could do it myself, she came to my home, got it, or had my siblings come and get it, and she would do my laundry because that was her way of showing love. That was her way of supporting me, even though she couldn't come and hold my hand every single day. So I found with, like, people who are really close to you who you quote, unquote, aren't going to distance yourself from, or you can't in the same type of way, they may have other. They may be able to serve another purpose. They may not. I think it's like, we try and keep people in these boxes of we were best friends or we were, you know, the tightest, like, group, and this is how we were. And then time passes and we wonder why we're still not that way. And, you know, some of. We've talked about this at Bliss. You know, some people are there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And sometimes you just let them be who they are and serve the purpose they do and either let them go or do what you used to do with them. And maybe that's just. Maybe you've got your group of friends you go to parties with. Maybe you have your group of friends that, you know, you only talk on the phone once a year. Maybe you have those ones and then you have those ones who you're very close to, who know you the best, and that may have changed. So I found it was very difficult for me to figure out what boxes I need to put people in now, because when something like cancer is such a loaded word. And before cancer, I was one of those people who didn't want to hear the word cancer either. So I get it. But it changes relationships in some cases, because some people who you thought would be there weren't there. And the people who you didn't expect to be there were there every day. And you're like, whoa, what's going on? And it does change the dynamic of your relationship. So I found that instead of me wanting to punish those people, which is where I was when I was sick, I was like, I'm going to so get them. Oh, you're never going to hear from me again. You better hope I live through this. You know, like, wanted to stick it to somebody. I was like, no. I'm like, monique, you've got your friends who, you know, where you just go to the movies with, you watch funny shit with. Then you've got the friends that you get like, really deep with. And who hold you up when shit goes out and just let the people be how they're gonna be and don't try and change it. The only one struggling through that is me.

So how did you let people help you?

Because.

Because I think this is a big one for everybody, really. Like, we don't get to have those friends unless we let them also add value and help us. Because especially I look at you and of course I see this massively independent woman who I can definitely imagine can get shit done on her own. But we really miss out on the deep relationships when we don't let people have that 50, 50 equal energy exchange.

So how. What. How does that.

Whether it was through the cancer, whether it's through now, I watch you let people help you, and it's the most beautiful thing because I let people help me too, and I love it. I don't let them help me. I want them to help me. Because I know now it's not only for me, but it's also for them. And it's for the deepening of our relationship. It's for their purpose. It's for both people's value. It's so important. So how do you explain accept that help or ask for that help?

You know, I haven't even thought lately about how I asked for. It's one of those things now where I can just literally send a text message and be like, 91 1, I need your help.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think of when was that moment where that shifted. But it was for me. It probably was while I was sick, when I couldn't do things for myself, where you have no choice but to ask. And it's a humbling thing, really, when you're so used to doing you can't even get up and make yourself breakfast. Are you serious? And that was really hard for me. That was really. Even to ask my husband, even though he's my husband, to make my smoothie. And can you make it for me? It came to the point I didn't have to ask him. My eyes would open and it'd be sitting in front of me next to my bed, and I'd drink it and go back to sleep. So that was an amazing experience just for him and I. For us to realize, like, how strong we were as partners, but as friends. One of the things, I mean, one thing I have on my side is I'm pretty outspoken. So I tell people what I need. And that's difficult for people, but I don't like to step over things. So if I do feel like something's going on, I'm just going to point blank and ask you where. Most people won't. And I think that that makes our relationship, the relationships I do have, easier for me to. I can ask you for help now because we don't have anything in our space. You can ask me because you know I'm going to tell it to you straight. Like, we just have an open relationship like that. But I really think I have to tell people what I need. And that came from being sick. It was like, tell people. I had to tell people how to interact with me now. I had to warn them. I'd be like, I'm crazier than before. My hormones are insane. I was like, one minute I could be having a great conversation with you, and literally in a second, I'm like, the sound of your voice is giving me a headache. I can't speak to you. I won't say that. But I'll just be like, I have to go. But I tell them, like, a week later, I'll be like, that's actually what happened. I'm really sorry. I was like. And they get it. But I have to be. So I have to communicate what's going on. I think it's just a lack of communication where I think everybody. Everything gets all muddy. Mm. You know, I have to just say, like, I'm sorry. I know you want to come visit me and see how I am, but I cannot see you. I cannot see one other human being today. I don't want to see you. I will let you know when you can see me. You know, and that's hard for me by. People still come to my house, even though I said, I don't want to see you. And it's unfortunate because some of them made the long ride and they couldn't come in because I had to protect my. How I was being. And I knew that if I wasn't in a certain way with them, they weren't going to be able to handle it. And I wasn't. I wasn't ready to do the song and dance. I was like, no, I'm going to be sleeping. That's it. I love you. I say that a lot, too. I have to remind people, they forget. People don't say it all the time, Right? And I don't say it in a, like, a flippant way. Like, these people know I love you. These are my people. They've been through everything with me, you know? So if I say it, it's a Reminder and just know however I'm being right now is however I'm being. And it has nothing to do with you.

There is so much truth in all of that. And I think, how do we start to, you know, use this in our everyday life? Just speaking our truth? Like what. What is something that you would tell people who are absolutely listening? Craving, just more honesty and more. Being able to truly tell people where they're at or how they feel to protect, Whether they're sick or whether they are needing to heal something, whether they're needing to move on from their past, or whether they're needing to become the woman that they know they are here to be, or man. What does that first step of being able to speak your truth? Because we know that's the only way you're going to become that person. What does that first look like and feel like when you first do it? Because I know sometimes when I do it, it can feel crazy and like you want to go and apologize and you want to go and fix everything. So what do you sit with after you start speaking your truth? How do we do it and what do you sit with afterward?

One thing I can say, and it may seem a little odd, but for people who have a hard time, because I've realized over time, most of my friends are not like me. Like, they're not going to just say what's there for them. And that's gotten me in some trouble. And at the same time, it builds stronger relationships. So they'll say, you know, Monique, I love all of the straightness, and sometimes I need it with a cup of sugar. That's how they say it to me sometimes. But we have that history, so at least we have that on our side. So they know I love them. So one thing, there's a couple of things. One, I tell people, if they are. If there is something they need to go tell somebody, and they think it's going to be super difficult. Write them a letter, don't send it. Read it. Make sure you're okay with what's in it and how you think they may respond, and then go read it to them. So you, whatever it is you need to say, get said without a back and forth, without an interruption. And sometimes that's easier for people. And that's why people write these crazy long text messages and things like that. I really highly advise against that. I've been in those situations. We both know tones, everything can be misinterpreted over a text message. Oh, my God. Right? And then the other thing is like, if there's things that need to be said or you're changing or your relationship is changing, then I always, like, I think it's always better over, you know, glass of wine or a nice. Really. I'm a brunch girl, so I love to go to brunch over a really nice brunch where, you know, everyone's defenses are down. And I always start a difficult conversation with an acknowledgement. So acknowledging. Acknowledging them for who they are for you, and then let them know what the issue is or where their challenge or whatever it is. Because when you acknowledge their defenses are down and it's true and it has to be from a real place, but definitely that. I think for me, what also has worked is, like, a lot of. A lot of the times my hurt comes across as anger and I have to remind people of that. So when I do have a difficult conversation to have, I usually start with, I'm really hurt by versus you really pissed me off. When that one does not sit well with people. But the hurt really works. I know with me and Corey, that's a big one. Because if I say I'm really hurt by. He is so fully in the conversation with me versus I'm really pissed off that you didn't do X. He's like, I'm not even hearing you right now. Yeah. You know, like, so I don't know if I got that from a marriage thing, but I've discovered that, like, now we're having. We're having a real conversation, you know, because I've decided to be vulnerable with you. And that's what people. That's the hard piece. Right. Like, if you put. If you are vulnerable and you show up that way, the other person you're talking to, I'm going to say eight times out of ten will show up that way, too.

What happens, do you think, if we don't have those tough conversations or share our truth? Like, what does our life look like?

We're done. Yeah. We're like, over. I'm sorry. I know.

No, I don't need cups of sugar right now. I really need to hear.

Whatever. It's just the relationship will eventually just end on its own anyways. And then somebody's going to feel resentment or tell a story about what happened to themselves or their friends, and you are gonna. I know for myself. Like, I feel. I know when I'm not living my truth now. Like, I feel like I'm suffocating.

Yeah.

Like, I know when I'm like, I can't be around Certain people, when I'm in my most vibrant self, because that's just not. We're not on the same frequency right now, you know, so you don't. I don't know. I just. I really feel like I'm not gonna say you won't have a life. You've gotten this far the way you are, but you're not going to have that vibrant, juicy one that you see other people having and wishing it was you. Like, we've got to have, like, those difficult conversations. Like, I'm so happy we're talking about this. I'm like, those are everything. Those are. Those show us who we are in the world, our ability to have those difficult conversations because. Because these two girls who came with me, this is not sunshine and roses. We've had difficult. We had a difficult conversation the night before the talk. You know, like, it was. We had a situation. We had a situation. But because of who we are, we were able to have that difficult talk. Tears and hugs, and still make it to your cocktail in about 45 minutes, right? And I was like. Like this. This is why we're friends, ladies. Because it's just like, with velocity. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And we're done.

Oh, I'm so happy you're sharing this because we write, like, women nowadays. Like, and I'm just going to be speaking for, you know. Yes, I'm making a generalization, which is usually bad, but I'm only doing it because it's true. We just write each other off so fast. Oh, she hurt my feelings. Oh, I can't believe she did that. Oh, she offended me. She should have known better. She shouldn' have forgotten my birthday. She should have done all of these things where it's like, we don't even know why. What if she didn't celebrate birthdays? What if she, you know, something's happening in her. In her family's life? Like, we have no idea what is going on with people or why certain things aren't important or maybe they were never made important or whatever that looks like. To have these difficult conversations is the only way that we will be able to be, you know, have friends once we're older, have people who actually still care about us, have these rich, fulfilled, healthy, happy lives that we're actually, you know, that we actually got to matter in people's lives, but we're just writing people off. So what do you do when it's, you know, in those moments where the heat is there and you're like, oh, I am good at, you know, Cutting people off. Like, it's very easy for me to be like, bye, we're okay. What do you do? How do you hang in there?

A lot of breathing, deep breathing in the moment. I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I have to walk away and come back. I can get really heated in a moment. I feel things very deeply. Like, I just, I'm like, there, I can be there. And then if I walk away, breathe it out, come back, I'm more calm and I'm fine. For people who want to cut people off, because I was the queen of cutting people off, sometimes you need to. You need a reminder of who these people are for you, all of the good times, situations. And then I think, like you said, just like, what's really going on? I always find that there's something, always. There's something else going on. Like 90% of the time when you're in a back and forth with someone, like, it's usually. It doesn't even have to do what the hell is going on right now. No, right. And you have to be the. Sometimes it's going to take one person to just be like, okay, let's pause. What's really going on? And sometimes. And that's literally what happened when, you know, we were in this conversation with my triad and Should I share, Should I share what happened? Is it going to be weird if I don't? Okay, so we were getting ready to go to your cocktail and one. One of the ladies was just really in a sour mood and she was like, I'm not gonna go. You guys go. I'm gonna stay here. I was like, I'm all. And I was all in me about. This is about me. Ladies talk tomorrow. Maybe you forgot. Yeah, maybe you forgot. I was like, I don't need your sour ass coming down anyways. You know, in my head I'm thinking this, but outwardly I'm just like fucking, like very short. Fine. I'm getting all dressed and doing my makeup and the two of them are discussing. And you know, she's like, at the last minute, right before we look at it, she's like, okay, I'm coming now. And I just turned to her and I was like, could you not. I was like, like, what is that supposed to mean? And I was just like, your energy is so off right now. Like, what is going on? Like, I feel like you don't even want to be here. And for me, that meant I. What I made that mean was I made you guys get on a plane to come hear me speak. And you're not happy to be here. So, shit. Look what I did. That's what I made it mean. Not even once thinking, something's going on with her. I didn't stop to say, what's going on with you? Something was clear. It had nothing to do with me. And she was, like, really hurt in that moment. And she was like, you know what? That is not fair. However, I'm being should not dictate how you feel. That's not fair. I said, no, that's not fair. I was like, your energy is in this room. And, you know, energy, it flows outwards. Of course I'm going to feel if you're being all sour over there in the corner. And she was like, well, why didn't. Instead of you, like, jumping on me, maybe you could have just asked me what was going on. And it was in that moment, she was absolutely right. I was all about me. Monique's doing her talk. It's my talk. You guys are here. We're celebrating. But I didn't think her life is still happening. Whatever she's dealing with is what she's dealing with. And if I'm her true friend, that's the conversation that needed to be had. So I sat on the bed after I'm deep breathing, and I'm like, you know what? You're right. What is going on with you? And she went on to share that. Totally had my whole makeup running down my face. She was like, I don't want to go to this cocktail hour because I feel like I have nothing to contribute when I go and meet people. What the hell am I going to say that I do now I'm in trend. I don't know what I want to be doing. And I feel like such a failure. Like, I just feel like I have nothing to talk to all of these powerful women about. And you're gonna go do this talk. And so. And so is, you know, she's launching this, and I don't have any of that stuff. I was just so heartbroken. I was like, you know, so we had to remind her of who she was. She's doing amazing things. Oh, my God. Right? But she didn't. Wasn't feeling that in the moment. She just wasn't. And it's our job to remind her of that. And for me to get off my, like, Monique, it's all about you and the Monique bill. But it took something. If we didn't have the type of communication we had, I may have been one of those people who'd be like, look, Bitch, you need to go sit over there on the bed sulking. And I'm going to the cocktail hour to go get pictures with Lori. That's why we're here. You know? Who would that serve? Nobody. And then we went on to have a great cocktail hour. The next day, the three of us had a photo shoot together. It was freaking awesome. And I've got pictures that we're not just posing like we're genuinely having fun. Like nothing else was like that day. And it would not. It would have been so tainted had we not addressed what was going on. So that's what happened at Bliss. Wow.

No, that was honestly, like, I can't even imagine if you did not share that story right now, because I think it's the most perfect, just even most beautiful way to close this, because I think so many people are feeling that way. They're not feeling valuable enough, especially to create what we had talked about, you know, create these powerful tribes for where you're going. And they're like, what do I have to offer? And it's so easy to get stuck in that place. I don't care where you are in life. I don't care if you have done amazing things and you're transitioning or you're in the beginning of doing your first amazing thing, or you don't even know what the hell that amazing thing could be. And that's awesome. And I think it's important to let people know that more people than not are feeling that way. More people than not are feeling that way. And just to show up and let you guys show up and be there for her was a huge gift for you as well. And it's like, just to show up is such a massive gift for people and say, where we're at. At the end of the day, you don't need to have something huge or big or even a story yet. It's enough just to go in a room and be like, you know what? I'm just here. I'm in it. I feel like shit.

Yes. I'm just here. I love that. That's the first step. That's the bravest step.

Oh, my God.

With the not knowing, with not having a story, with not having some big thing that you need to talk about. Those are the brave ladies. Mm.

Absolutely. Well, Monique, I'm so grateful for you. And I could literally. There needs to be a part two, because I'm just like, okay, well, there's a million things we didn't talk about, but what's the most exciting thing in Your life right now. Like something that, like loving doing or.

I mean, the most. I will say my most exciting thing right now is my business. I'm not gonna lie. I spend all of my hours and my moments doing it. And I get to work with women every single day, helping them put together what their story is like finding the real juice behind their messaging so they don't get overlooked, so they can go and share their gifts with the world. So that is everything to me. Because when you see people, like you said, you don't know what they're going through. You don't know what they could offer. You don't know their backstory for why that makes them the person to help you with whatever it is you need next. And sometimes people can't see it because your online branding just looks like crap, you know, so all of these little pieces, I love to just like I'm a such of problem solver. Like, I love putting the puzzle back together. So that's the most exciting thing for me right now.

I love that so much. I love seeing all of your work out in the world and all of the people that you're helping. And I'm so glad that you got to that I got to share you with my audience because I have just been like, so moved by everything that you're doing in your story and the way that you just function in the world and your message. So, so beyond grateful for the way that you show up. Like, I truly, truly feel massively impacted by this podcast and I'm grateful for this time that we, we got to spend together. So where can people find you? Where can they follow you and see all that you're up to? If they want to work with you.

Yes, you can find me on my website, ww.moniquebryan with a y.com but I hang out mostly on Instagram. That's moniquebrianco. And you will find me and my business and all my shenanigans on the stories. That's where I live.

Well, I'll make sure that is all linked up in the show notes for you guys. If you want to go find her, follow her, do all the things with her. Because I know you're in love with her now. So I always end on one last question. Are you ready?

Oh, my God, I forgot about it.

Then you know what it is. So you have 30 seconds with a stranger. Could be in an elevator, could be in passing on the street, but it's literally only 30 seconds. And they look at you and they ask you, how can I Make my happy. What do you say?

Oh, my God. I can't even believe I don't have an answer.

Ready for this?

I've listened to your podcast for years.

I'm so glad you don't, because now you're just in the elevator with someone.

I mean, what I would say is, you know, if it's not juicy and delicious, do something else. So I don't even know what to say it in, like 30 seconds, but it's like, live your juiciest life now. Whatever that means to you. Live your juiciest life now.

I love it. If it's not juicy and delicious, you guys go and do something else. Monique, I'm so grateful for you and you guys. If you loved this podcast as much as I did, make sure you share it with a friend. Text it to a friend who you know might need to hear this message, and until next time, earn your happy.

Bye, everyone.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought and honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye. Bye.