408: Toxic people and how to handle them

What is something that you're not doing or you're not getting? The lesson, what boundary do you need to set? What conversations do you need to have right now? How are you going to have them? Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go.

Hey everyone.

Welcome back to the earn your happy podcast. And it's time for another quickie because there's always time to fit in inspiration and if you don't know, the fast foundations mastermind is almost full. So if you have been looking at this mastermind, I know that you have, I know that you've clicked on the link fastfoundations.com and checked it out because there's a part of you that knows you are supposed to be in the room. There's a part of you that says what if I did that, Would my business actually grow? What if I did that? Would I find the like minded people who could help me and support me and I could grow with them and I could help support them too. It's real, you guys. There are actually places that have been created to help you grow your business. But it's up to you to take full ownership over your life and get your butt in the room. And I'm gonna tell you, it is so fun and of course it's challenging, but we definitely have an amazing time. You're gonna have insane deep connections with people. This is not just about your business. We fully believe that in order to business you have to grow yourself and get out of your way. So we incorporate a lot of self development within growing your business. Incredible speakers, amazing dinners, don't miss it. It is one of the most amazing things that I get the opportunity to do is to be in the rooms with all of you, with my team, with my husband and with amazing guest speakers to work on your business. How to grow it, your blind spots, who do you need? Who do you need to hire? What should you be doing? Every sing question that you have in the beginning phases of business. So you guys spend the next five months with us where there's two in person, three day in person meetings in Los Angeles. Does it get better than that? No, it doesn't. We always pick epic spots and also just tons of support and zoom calls along the way with the entire crew. So you guys go to fast foundations.com right now and check it out because after this next week, spots will be full. So join us now. Okay, guys, today I want to chat with you about toxic friendships and breaking up with friends. I know some of you are like, yes, please give me the goods. I need to break up with friends right now. And while I'm laughing, it's because it's absolutely true. We hold people past their contracts. So right now I'm working on some videos. I'm writing scripts for videos right now, which I have to say is kind of a painstaking process for me. Even though I really want to do these videos, it feels much like writing chapters of a book because I'm scripting out videos. So I'm doing 12 different videos right now that you guys will soon see. And I wanted to share with you one of these topics that I'm going to be filming on. And it's exactly what it is. It's toxic friendships and friend breakups. So first of all, I just want to say I don't believe that there are toxic people. I just think there's people that we keep in our lives past the expiration date of our relationships. And what happens is when we do that, this is where that energy between those two people, yourself and that person that you're keeping past the expiration date, that's where it starts to feel toxic. And oftentimes we can meet people in the initial meeting and right away we can feel that this person is off or something's not. Right now, what I want you to notice is sometimes, yeah, the person can be off. Sometimes you can be like, I just sense that there's something weird there or something going on or something I don't see, or maybe ill intentions. But I also want you to take the perspective and ask yourself, could it just be that the universe is telling me this person is not meant to be on my path? Like, what other way would you know if you didn't get, like a weird feeling? Or maybe. Here's another one. Sometimes I'll get that feeling feeling, and it reminds me of somebody that I struggled with in the past. Maybe it's the same energy or maybe they come at you kind of the same way. And so I also ask myself, am I just afraid because of a past relationship that I didn't understand how to navigate, but now I'm a different person so I could allow this energy into my life because now I have boundaries to keep this person at bay or to not allow this person to take advantage of me, even though I do want to work with this person in a certain way. Maybe it's in your business, or maybe it's, you know, having them speak at your event or whatever that looks like. But maybe now you have boundaries so you fully know how to manage this particular personality type that maybe you've struggled with in the past. So really starting to bring in a lot of different questions around when we start to feel like we need to be really cautious around different people. So I also want you guys to reframe that. Not everyone you meet in second grade is supposed to be on your entire journey. And if we know that relationships are our biggest teachers, we can start to view our relationships like two people fulfilling a soul contract in order to get the lessons that we need. And you can start to see how some contracts are fulfilled in a short period of time. And you can also start to see how some contracts were put there because you needed to learn a lesson. Like, maybe we say, and I talk about this a lot, maybe we say we're compassionate, and maybe we say that, you know, we. We want to practice patience, but when we get gifted the person to practice them on, we're like, why is this person in my life? Well, figure out what that gift is and what contract you are fulfilling with them. Because I've definitely had people in my life where I'm like, oh, my God, how did I attract this person in my life? They're awful. And then what can happen is I'm like, oh, okay, well, I get to be compassionate. I get to love them. I get to learn how to love somebody that I. I don't really care for or that really triggers me or that really pushes my buttons, or I get to learn boundaries. This person came into my world because I get to learn how to use my voice and speak up and tell them what is and is not acceptable in a loving way. They're teaching me how to set boundaries. They're teaching me how to say no or stand up for myself or get a backbone. Like, I can't tell you. I literally want to go and thank some of the people who I've struggled with in my life because of the person that they have allowed me to become because of the person that they have literally molded me into because I would no longer tolerate the way that they were showing up in my life. And now that I have boundaries, look, some of them are still totally out of my life, and they're not coming back. Believe me. I was, like, locking that door, throwing away that key. But there are definitely people who I struggled with so hard who are still in my life, and now they're in my life in this most glorious, beautiful way because I was able to set boundaries that took a really long time for them to respect and see because I wasn't using my voice. So they were like, what are these boundaries? Who cares? So they kept on trying to cross them and kept trying to bulldoze me and kept trying to walk all over me. And because I kept standing up for this boundary or because I stopped tolerating the way that they were treating me or because I stopped reacting in the old way that I was or responding how they wanted me to, that's when, over and over again, this person started to see the boundary and actually start to respect me. So with that said, that is exactly why relationships are in our lives. I literally cannot thank these people enough for showing up as those people who really challenge me in order to change me. So you've got them in your life right now, and right now you probably have them maybe on a dart board, and you throw darts at their face every day. I don't know. But what I want you to do is to start thinking of them as, like, what is the actual lesson that you are getting from this awesome person? And when you get the lesson, that is when you're like, oh, my God. That's when you can. I don't know. I'm feeling a bullseye joke coming on here. When you can get that lesson, that is when you see what a freaking gift they were. And if we just had all of these incredible people in our lives, unfortunately, we would never know how to set boundaries that carry over in work, that carry over in all in business and all of these different things that you want to do with your life that it is required to know how to navigate relationships.

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So, you guys, I'm sending you so much love today. This is like an actual quick quickie. I can't even believe it. Usually I'm talking for like 20 minutes. But I want you to start thinking about that. Think of somebody and how you get the lesson and what the lesson is. And if you're. If you are learning the lesson or getting the lesson. Because for me, it's like, okay, if this person's driving you bananas, then what is something that you're not doing or you're not getting the lesson? What boundari do you need to set? What conversations do you need to have right now? How are you going to have them? What will happen when they say something back to you that really tests you? You have to practice this conversation in your head, and you have to practice when they break the boundary again. And this all has to come from a loving place, and that's the only way that it's going to wind up in a good place eventually. And I'm going to tell you, the first time you start setting boundaries, they are not going to like it. It could be really, really ugly. It could break out into an argument. But you need to remember to keep. You need to remember that you've gone through this conversation in your head. You need to remember to step away so that you can respond. And you need to remember to keep standing for what you want or it's going to continue on exactly as it is. There are a lot of relationships in our lives that we feel we have to keep in our life, but that's simply not the case. That's not the case. If it is something that does not feel good. There needs to be a boundary there. It could be because you're not speaking up, you're not speaking your truth. And I've been listening to a lot of Gary Vaynerchuk's podcasts right now, and he says something that's been so powerful for me. He says whenever there's something wrong in his life or if something goes wrong in his business or at all in anything, he always assumes it's his fault. And I've been taking that stance in every relationship that I'm in. And I assume it's my fault, whether it's because I did not speak up and say my expectations or I did not tell them that truth. Maybe I said yes when I wanted to say no, or maybe I said no when I wanted to say yes, whatever that looks like. And I'm always assuming it's because I was not clear from the get go. And if you take this any other stance than that, you're not going to get to the solution of the problem as quickly as you would like, right? If we're looking for an excuse or how to blame or that they should just know better, they should just know what not to. That doesn't solve anything thing. So if you want to be someone who lives the life of having a really fast comeback rate and being able to have a lot of solutions and moving through your life with more ease, assume everything is your fault and understand that people you're not going to be able to be right all of the time. So you have to find the best worst solution if that makes sense. You have to choose the best worst case scenario. Like sometimes it's like the best of the worst, right? You don't have good choices all the time because sometimes people aren't going to say they're sorry. Sometimes people aren't going to accept blame. Sometimes people aren't going to respond the way you want. So what is the best way that you can respond to something that's not going your way? And sometimes that is having to step away and make peace with whatever decision you make and just move on. You guys, if you think this is an isolated incident where it's just happening to you, where you're struggling in a relationship or at work or with boundaries like, you need to get over it because every single person in the entire world is struggling in some form with a relationship every single day because they are our teachers. So instead of being like this is so hard, say what is this person giving to me? What are they trying to teach me? What lesson are they trying to make me learn? And how am I able to practice this on this person? Coming from love. So, so you're not alone. When I say get over it, I mean that you're just not alone. This is happening to all of us and that should make you feel so much better because it's not you. This is how we learn lessons. And if you want to really learn them and understand them and be like a business ninja, you have to understand how to navigate relationships and take full ownership that everything is your fault, that you didn't put a boundary there, that you didn't say how you felt, that you're not putting an expectation on it, that you weren't being, being clear, that you're not being compassionate enough, that you're not willing to walk in their shoes to understand their side. Whatever it is There is two sides to every story. So you have to remember, no matter what, sometimes you're not going to change their perspective. And yes, they could be totally 1 million percent wrong. But where you can accept ownership is in saying they might be 1 million percent wrong. But the fact that I'm holding onto it and need to be right and not setting a boundary or walking away or just making peace with the fact that I'm not going going to get my way, then that is where I am wrong, right? That is where I'm wrong is because I won't let this go. Release your prisoners, right? Let them go. All right, you guys, I'm sending you so much love. And until next time, earn your happy. And as always, I just want to tell you that the only way this podcast gets out is you. That's it. I don't have any marketing behind this, you guys. Literally sharing this means the world. If you have gotten any value at all, any totally free value from this podcast podcast, it would mean the world to me right now if you rate, review and subscribe and share this with a friend or on your social media. Truly, if you love the podcast, that is how you can love the podcast back. All right, you guys, thank you guys so much. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye Bye. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really, really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye bye.