435: How to get over hurtful experiences with Lindsey Schwartz

I am a human. That hurt my heart a little bit, and now I'm going to refocus on. Well, who am I really here to serve? Because it's probably not that person.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business, and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome back to the podcast. And it's time for another quickie, because there's always time to fit in inspiration. I believe that's what my intro is, isn't it, Lindsay?

Word.

So, no, that's not me throwing my voice. That is Lindsay Schwartz sitting across from me because you guys, she. Here we are working on content for event love. I'm so excited about it, Linds. I can't even take it.

Oh, my goodness. Every time we talk about it, we. It's like those kids who just had two pixie sticks and we can't. We can't stop.

Were you a kid who stopped at 2? Because I got the whole bag and I would eat the whole bag of pixie sticks.

I don't want to talk about it.

It's bringing back traumatic memories.

I. I did love 6 some pixy stix. And then what was the other one? The fun Dip. Oh, do you know Fun dip?

Okay, I gotta be honest. I wasn't a pixy stick person. I was a fun dip person.

I think I was more of a fun dip person, too. Oh. Cause you got to lick it off the little sugar.

Absolutely. That should have been the first sign to myself that I was gonna have really weird eating habits and weird eating rituals. Like, so after Lickamades is also, I think what we call them. Like, Fun dips were also Licka maids.

That was a Michigan thing, I think.

Yeah, I think it probably was.

Yeah.

Lica made where. Yeah, that's what that was.

I just remember Fun dip. It was fun.

Yeah, there was. I think that lick a maid might've been the off brand of fun dip.

Ah, the generic.

The generic. So all about that generic.

I'm surprised we didn't have that one. And we were all about the generic brands.

You know, maybe it just didn't make it down past the border.

Maybe.

So, you guys, we are going to be talking about a topic that is near and dear to our hearts, and that is to not be petty or sweat the small stuff or to get stuck in all of these little things that people say. Maybe it's even online comments. Maybe it's one of your friends who are judging you. Maybe it's little things that come up in your business. Maybe it's all of the things that stop. And I really do want to be a little bit specific here. Stop. Women. Because we are such people pleasers. And yes, that is somewhat of a blanket statement. Some of you are like, I'm really not. But many of us grow up to be people pleasers. Like, we just are so afraid of hurting people's feelings because we do have more of a nurturing aspect to us that we try to bring everyone with us. Linds do share.

Oh, my goodness. Well, when we were talking about this, this has been my journey in the last two years. Specifically both the part about not sweating the small stuff, getting over things really quickly. Because I now am at a point where the purpose that I'm working on is just bigger. And I think it was harder for me to get over some of the small stuff when I wasn't fully stepping into my purpose because I didn't have a reason to get over myself quickly. I could easily get stuck in that someone said or my expectations not being met. But I've found that the more and more I'm stepping into a purpose that just serves on a greater scale or feels like it's using all of me praise that we're both doing the praise hands.

Oh, my God.

That it's been easier. Okay.

Yes, yes and yes. Because what just popped in my mind is once in a while, Chris and I will talk to people or even sometimes family members, and I'm like, how is this such a big deal? Why is this drama that's going on in the family? Or why is this small drama with neighbors or something that's going on? Why is this such a big deal? And then I'm like, because they don't have a greater mission right now, so it is the biggest thing in their life. So also having massive compassion for people for where they're at and saying that is actually the biggest occurrence that's going on in their life because they don't have a greater vision right now that's pulling them forward which is so incredibly important to have. And I think that that's some of the things that I look at is like, if I'm getting stuck in something, I realize I'm not focusing on what's really allowing myself to get pulled out of that greater vision. And if you're like, how do I even get myself to think of a greater vision? Lynn, what do you think? Like, if you are in a, in a space where you are really consumed with what's going on with your friends or with what's going on, you know, what's going wrong with your family? Like, of course that stuff is gonna happen, but how do you switch the focus or how do you make your vision greater or how do you pour more belief into your, into your vision than the petty stuff?

Yeah, I feel like I don't know where along the way I started to do this. I noticed that I was doing it within this last year where maybe it was something that I would have normally gotten upset with, maybe with my spouse or something like that. And I would actually pause. I would almost have this on Saved by the Bell where Zack Morris would do the timeout and he'd talk to the camera and everyone would stop moving, almost doing a timeout and going, okay, I'm going to play this out. If I get mad at, let's say I get mad at my spouse or I get mad at some random comment, something I can't control, and play that out fully, how is it gonna affect my day? Okay, I can see myself still tonight being pissed and not being over this and then losing the whole day, losing a day of productivity somehow. Again, I don't even know when I started doing this, but I learned to stop and play out. How is that gonna go? Does this. Sometimes it's something that needs to have a conversation for me to truly get over it. But even just having that conversation versus waiting for someone to bring to me and doing whatever I need within myself to be over it and be free to then do the things that I am really passionate about or work on the idea that I'm working on that day. Because the other thing is, I think that my mind has a way of using petty stuff as self sabotage because I'm pushing up against something that's going to require me to grow. So the easy place to go with it is, well, let me just waste an entire day obsessing over one online comment that made me, that triggered me or made me sad or made me really defensive versus saying, okay, I don't like how that feels. I Am a human. That hurt my heart a little bit. And now I'm gonna refocus on, well, who am I really here to serve? Because it's probably not that person. I just jumped around from like a lot of different examples.

That was 1 million percent. I followed every second of it. In fact, it was such a beautiful answer because I. You, You. You said it. You don't have a day to lose. And I self sabotage myself like that all the time, or I used to. And I would notice how I would lean into that and be like, see, this is why. Or this is it. It would pull me out of doing the hard thing, which is getting really clear and focused and linear again on. On the thing that you are here for. And it's an addiction. Yeah. So I would notice how I would get a little bit of weird pleasure from the addiction of being upset set, or of going down that spiral of whatever it is, holding on and gripping to that thing. And I would notice that there was a part of me that liked it because it was stopping me from having to do the uncomfortable stuff, which for me is getting really focused and letting go and forgiving and knowing that I can still do it even though this thing happened. So I think where I used to stop myself too, you nailed it. So well for me was with my husband, like if I wasn't getting support or certain things that he would do or say, and I would be like, see, he doesn't get it or he doesn't support me or I can't believe he says those things, or he's not compassionate or he's not understanding or he always has to be right. And I would get so stuck there when really looking back and looking at things as they arise, I'm like, this is not a big deal. And he is not flawed in character. There are certain things that I do as well that I know that he totally forgives. And I'm like, in the grand scheme, like you said, is this something I have to have a conversation over? Because there definitely was some stuff and then other things. I'm like, that's not even a big deal. I am blowing this out of proportion because I actually want to be distracted from my higher purpose right now.

Oh my gosh. When you said almost like an addiction, I think for me it was the addiction to being right. And sometimes it was to being right about how not good enough I was. And I would obsess there. Sometimes it's being right about how another person is or how they really. What I'm saying is how they show up in my world. And I think a lot of it stems from that obsession that we have as human beings. We're wired to want to be right. Why do people even argue? It's. They're arguing for their point to try and bring the other person over. And sometimes if I can just stop and acknowledge I am quote, unquote, right from my own perspective, this is my truth, but it might not be someone else's truth. This person that I'm at odds with maybe is seeing it through their truth, and it's different than mine. Even understanding that there can be two different rights in a situation helped me let go of things so much faster, but I think it's because. So I learned this about myself this year. I am on the Enneagram test, a 9, which is a peacemaker, which is like this ability to see both sides as equally right or see. See things through other people's view. So I just started really leaning into that and gave me a ton of freedom around my type A personality of wanting to be right all the time.

I love that.

That.

It's so funny how when you're talking, I know that we're a lot alike, but I think hearing more, which we're also very opposite, which I love, I actually celebrate our oppositeness because it's so powerful in coming together in collaboration. But so much of what you said as far as in the beginning of the podcast, when you were talking about playing it out till the end, there's a particular person who's studying it right now. I think his name is Andy, but I can't remember his last name. But he actually talks about the theory of. It's like almost every successful person that has ever been studied plays things out till the end. So it's just a concept that you either end up tripping upon that you learn from a podcast that you learn out in the world, is that in order to be successful, you really do play each decision until the end, instead of just being like, yeah, I think that'll be great, or whatever. And you also accept whatever the decision could be. So, number one, I always do that. Like, I always play things till the end now. And that really helps me understand, like, okay, this could happen. Okay, great. What's gonna happen if I do this? Okay, this could happen and it could be terrible. And I'm going to accept that because the other decision is to not take action. And I'm playing that till the end. And I'm not gonna end up on my deathbed, completely miserable, and then talking about peacemaking. That is so me. It's crazy. I am able to even make up a story even if it's not true. That's empowering to me. So if someone is bullying me online, I'm like, you know what, they might be in so much pain. They may just have gotten bullied, they may be holding themselves in a prison that if I show that I can do this or be this free with my words, maybe they feel like they can't. So I tell a story around what's happening of such compassion so that I can let go faster. That frees you even if it's not. Even if she is some crazy that is just like really mean to be mean. Yeah. That's not going to empower me though.

Yeah.

Because I'm going to be afraid of people who are like that. So instead I'm like, you know, they're just really hurting where they had this happen or this is why they're doing this and that's okay.

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So talking about pettiness, let's go back to how do you get over when somebody's being petty or judging your character or maybe somebody is assuming something about you? And I think we talked about this a little bit in our last podcast, but the need to want to defend and why that is just such a waste of your freaking time.

Yeah, it's such a great question. So the question is more how do you move past it? How do you get yourself over it to the point where you can be productive again, where it's not consuming you? And and I so a lesson was delivered to me and for me to be able to deal with this exact thing. Because previously what I wasn't seeing, I remember at the beginning of that year, whatever year it was, I don't even remember now, actually praying like show me what's in the way of me being used to my full purpose, to my full potential. And isn't it funny when we pray those prayers, we're so not ready. We're so not ready. We ask it so naively and then the answer shows up in a shit sandwich, and I'm not ready for it.

No.

And what it was, was exactly what you're saying. Someone really misunderstanding my character, misunderstanding my intentions, and on a rampage to make sure other people knew that I wasn't what I said I was. And it was hurtful. I was so hurtful, I cried for a week straight. I remember getting my eyelash extensions put on, like, the day after this communication was delivered. It was, like, through a text mess. And she physically couldn't put the lashes on because I was. I couldn't stop crying during the. Yeah, but it was for my. It was in that moment that I actually saw, like, wow, I am so wrecked by one person's interpretation. And my first. My first reaction was to want to defend, to go to all our mutual friends, mutual contacts and defend my reputation. But there was something in me, and I think because. Because this had all stemmed from this prayer, that I had literally had this conversation with God. There was a part of me that was like, okay, I can either go into the mode. That is my first reaction, which is to defend. But interestingly enough, played that out in my mind. Now I am actually dissecting this as we are having this conversation. I played that out in my mind, and it didn't actually feel better. It was like I saw myself going around, okay, well, if I reach out, try to do the pr, the damage control, like, hey, this happened. You might hear this from this person. And actually played it out and kind of went, I, weirdly enough, don't feel better.

Yeah.

So then I sat with the thing that was way harder, which was to just stay silent and trust that if this was. If this was the lesson that I had asked for, not realizing it, that then, like, God had it handled, like my higher power had it handled. And what could I learn if I just went within. The first thing I asked is, is there any truth here that sucks to ask? Because when. Especially when your ego is hurt and something petty comes, that's your only opportunity to grow from it is first to say, okay, what responsibility can I take here? Because defending, again, playing that out didn't feel. That felt a little bit like, you know, when you see someone publicly make a mistake and they just won't own up to their shit, and you're like, I just lost all respect for you. It felt like that. It felt like, okay, well, I'm a human. I'm going to make mistakes. How did I show up such that it could have given this impression? And there were parts of it that were. That I Could take responsibility for. And then there were parts that I was like, this is just straight up crazy. Like, I don't know what this person is smoking, but the power to move forward came from. I'm first going to own the parts that I can be responsible for. And then I actually got so much power from just staying silent and dealing with it privately. And it was. I mean, here I'm talking about something that like, you can't just get over in a day. This, for me was like deep. It cut deep. And I also knew that on the other side of it, it was like this weird knowing that if I was willing to. If I was willing to deal with this and walk through this in a new way, there was something new for me on the other side. And there totally was. There was freedom, like I have never experienced to be fully myself. Because when I came through and it was about like a six month process to really, like let go of this.

Mine was a year really let go. Yeah.

Was what came out on the other side was I really like me. I know me. Even if. And this was a scenario where I had tried to be what I saw from it. I had tried to be what this person wanted. I would change myself to fit what someone else wanted, which was not new. That was not a new thing that had never happened before. And I saw like, wow, I actually really tried. And it came back as that person didn't like me. And I was trying hard. Like, I was like full court press. Like, don't you like me? Don't you see how amazing I am? And that still backfired. And so I remember this moment, I can almost feel just like my shoulders drop. I just dropped into what if I'm just me? And there was a part of me that had to even figure out who that was. What if I was me separate from having to be who other people wanted. Who is that girl? And I really, really like her. And now looking back, I don't know that I fully loved or accepted or liked the version that would show up and ask, well, who do I need to be for this person? Who do I need to be for this other person? And so all of that to say it took a little while to move forward. It wasn't overnight. Sometimes I can get over things quickly. That one cut deep because it was the deepest rooted insecurity that I had is what if I show myself to people and I'm still not enough? But on the other side of that, actually, actually going through that, I was myself. And you know, like, obviously through that filter of, who do I need to be for this person? But it still was misunderstood. It was misrepresented. I was like, oh, I actually can't control this, so I'm gonna stop trying.

Oh, my God. I am sitting. I feel like I'm literally right next to you on that journey, because I went through the same exact thing. And everything that is so good in my life right now came from that. There were days that I would wake up, and I honestly, just being super honest, I was like, I don't know why I'm existing anymore, because I'm so upset and depressed, because that's how much I lived for other people, how much I let people's opinions of me make or break how I felt on a daily basis. I couldn't find any joy. I was so hurt beyond anything I can share. And I know that you were, too. And I know that women who are listening or people who are listening have absolutely felt this. This is such an important conversation, and it's the whole conversation of, can you love you when no one else does? And that was so intense. I mean, even my husband was there for me and loving me, but that just wasn't enough, because I didn't love me. There was parts of me that loved parts of me, but I can honestly say I truly was in a place of I'm not enough. And that darkness made me realize at the end of the day, like, you are your only person. Like, you're your only person in this life. But that's also beautiful because you are directly connected to your creator or energy or whatever you believe. And that is. Like, I dropped to my knees so many times, and I was like, I just need help. I just need help getting through this. Because I think it's. Especially if it's somebody who has been in your life, who you feel close to, it is the worst. And that's how these things are usually delivered. It's usually through family or a really close friend or a best friend, because. Because you wouldn't experience this level of deep pain and needing to fall back into yourself and loving yourself if it was somebody you didn't care about. So I do think these messages about learning to love yourself and love who you are and embrace who you are are going to come through people who are the closest to you. And you know, they are. They are the most horrible experience and the best experience in the entire world. But that's where Bliss Project came out of. I know that's where a lot of your. Like, a lot of your. I just See so much of you recently and when. I mean recent, I mean, in the last year or two, just like you completely stepping in, which is crazy because this is gonna happen every year. Every year we're gonna be.

We'll say, I see you stepping in.

So much, like, oh, my God, that.

Was a huge source of permission. Me giving myself permission to step in and realizing it wasn't gonna be for some people or it would trigger something in them and it wasn't my responsibility to then help them do the work, to move through that, that I'm gonna trigger people whether or not I'm trying not to. So why not show up fully and give other women who are seeing it as that the permission to do the same?

Yes. This is whatso. What advice would you give to somebody who's in it right now or who is a Now that we've shared what's coming? Because I don't wanna say this is exactly coming for you. Everybody's path is so different. You may never experience this at this level. You may experience it completely different from someone else else. But it's probably going to happen in some form if you are stepping into your authentic self because that means you're showing up differently to people, which makes them respond in this way. So what would you say to somebody who is either afraid to move forward because of this or is in this right now?

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Yeah, okay, well if you're in it then really my first advice is then be fully in it. So there was a part of me too that knew my default was I don't want to feel this. No one wants to feel like the pit of your really. It was again my deepest insecurity. It was pushing right on that button. And it would be easy to throw myself into work or throw myself into things that feel better on the surface. But I think there was a part of me that that knew if I fully feel this, if I'm willing to take responsibility. And I think that's the second part is look where you can take responsibility. Cause if you put it all on the other person that you don't move through it, then you just come through a justified version of yourself and write about how terrible they are. Well guess what, they're just as right from their perspective.

So let's just real quick so they can understand for taking responsibility. Yeah, sometimes maybe you didn't do something wrong or say something to them, but you could be giving them your power by what you said around you were showing up, trying to make them like you. And it's literally those people for me that I'm trying to make like me.

Yep. That was the biggest place that I took responsibility, was seeing that there were a couple of places where I wasn't direct in my communication. There was a lot of miscommunication. That's like, the first place that most upsets start. I wasn't clear in my communication out of this desire to be who this person wanted, and I let it go on for way too long. But there were also. There were things within what that person was upset about that weren't true. But I could, like, with that massive compassion, I could see it through her eyes once she kind of explained the backstory, and it was like, oh, I see why you felt that way. It's not true. That isn't actually what happened. And I. I was able to see, like, I was equally justified in my position. So was she. So the only place for me to move past it was to move to the middle and be like, I get that. And I also get that you're really attached to, like, that that's true about me. And I'm just gonna have. I'm gonna give you that. You're free to think of me, what you want, and to have just as much compassion for myself and just be willing to feel it, be willing to take that responsibility. And to. And there were some days I just had to be, like, almost like, self soothing. Like, what would you say to a child if your son or daughter came home from school? And we're like, gosh, you know, this person said this about me just to be like, I know that doesn't feel good and it's gonna be okay. And to look for the lesson in it. Even in, like, there were times where I would be, like, sobbing, like, ugly crying. And also at the same time being like, this is so great. Like, I know this is, you know, this is like shedding something through the tears.

You're literally bringing me right back to that place. And this was probably six or seven years ago for me now, maybe longer. Wow. But it is like, yesterday. And, man, I haven't had another encounter like that because I am in a place of not, like, not showing up the same that I did in those relationships. I'm very much aware of when I'm trying to make somebody. Like, when I'm pining for someone's attention, when I'm trying to make someone like me. And I'm really aware of when I can't. When I Actually, energetically around someone. Can't be myself. We were just talking about this yesterday. There are some people that I want in my life so bad, and I want to be close friends with or I want to be friends with, but I can't get myself to be normal. Lori, you could not get me to be funny. You could not get me to be wise. You could not get me to even, be, like, a good listener. Like, I am so out of my body that I can find myself getting mad at myself around these people. And then I realize that that's the universe trying to tell me that they're not meant for my path, maybe ever. Or right now. And when we try to force that and we try to keep showing up and we keep trying to be, you know, ourselves, but it's just coming across weird and they're not understanding. Just like, walk away. Yeah, walk away. Go find somebody with energy that feels a little bit more easy. Or say, it doesn't make them bad. It doesn't make you bad. It literally is just the universe saying, not for your past right now. Don't get distracted. Even though you think you'd be best friends, or even though you have the same information and you guys are so much alike, if that energy is not there, it's just not there. It's called chemistry. And chemistry is there, too. Remind you of who should be in your path.

And it was so helpful. I don't ever even know if I shared this with you. I was reading A Tribe Called Bliss during this time.

Amazing.

And it was so helpful to hear from your perspective how certain relationships are put in your life for a lesson. Some are put in your life for a specific period of time. Some are lifelong friends. And it was funny that I'd never considered it that way because. And now you. I really. I don't have a middle ground. It's either best friends, like, here's the key to my house. You can come over unannounced or otherwise. So here's my question for you, is this was a process I had to go through. In the wake of that was almost trusting myself to get into relationships again, trusting myself to make a new friend. Like, do I actually have good decision making, or do I now have to put up this wall and not let people in? I want to hear what your answer to that is.

So I went through this. So to be honest with you, right before this experience, I had, the only real friendships that I had experienced were growing up, and it was a couple girls. And I didn't have a lot of Girlfriends. Because I was in the more restrictive religion, I was only allowed to hang out with people who were in my church. So that that small number of people who were in my church got even smaller when it comes down to girls my age. So I had a very limited experience with friendships. I assumed that I was always a people pleaser. I was always the girl that I didn't understand why people would ditch me for, you know, something better all the time. Because I would pray. This is gonna make me cry. I prayed and prayed for a best friend my whole life. And I. I never really knew what that was. And I thought with my husband that that was God giving me a best friend and that I just wouldn't be friends with women. So I was like, oh, he gave me this one. Don't get stingy. So this is your best friend. So I never really. I never trusted women. And I never looked externally or I never looked for a woman best friend again after that for a while. Because I really believed, like, God gave me the best friend that I prayed for. And it wasn't gonna come in the form of women. Cause they hurt me so bad before this. But also so I can look back on when I was younger and I was literally the person who'd pick up the drunk friend. Clean up your vomit. Clearly you could see what kind of friends I had.

They were very ill. Yeah, they had.

The flu a lot.

Daily flu. Friends for life. So I didn't think I was going to have that again. And I did put up my walls. But what ended up happening is, so I'm in this relationship with my husband and now I'm expecting him to be everything. Because he's now my best friend and he has gotten my best friend checklist. And he needs to be with me for when I decide that I want to start being a meditator. And he needs to be with me for when I want to go on this new super deep spiritual path. And he needs to be with me for when I want to throw events and he has to want to throw events with me. And that's not what he wanted. And it's not where he was at. And I was watching us grow apart. And I was watching me put everything on him. I wanted him to. I wanted him to have my breakthrough for me. Literally. I remember being like, why can't he pull me from the depths of despair? And I also was super lonely because I did not. I had this amazing husband and this amazing life, but I was 50% so empty. Like, I couldn't understand why I felt so freaking lonely. And it was because there were so many parts of me that weren't being fulfilled. And that's when I really started to know. I don't know what I was listening to or what I was. Was learning or what that really helped me understand that I need friends and I need connection. I'm gonna have to go back and trace that back. That's really interesting. But that's when I really knew to go back to. Can you say your question one more time? But that's when I knew I had to open back up and be willing to.

How do we know? So for the woman. I think I only answered half of your previous question. Anyway, I'm realizing that right now. How do you know after. After you've had an experience like that maybe your heart has been broken by a friend? How do you open back up and allow people back into your life? Because I think in the wake of an experience like that is actually when you find the people who are aligned with your next part of your journey, if you're willing to open up and let them in. So that's.

That's kind of where I was going. Thank you for bringing me back is I've already had this. I already had it happen once. And I opened back up and I was like, this is amazing. These women are awesome. And I was slipping back into my tendencies. And I knew it. And it all happened again with like three people though this time again. And I was like, I slipped right back into people pleasing. I slipped right back into. Except this time I had now started a new. This time I was a different Lori. So I thought it was going to be different because I was now like, people are gonna like me. I'm making money, I'm successful. Oh, my gosh, I've never had this. So then I started using that money to buy gifts, and I started using that money to like, show up in a totally different way in their life. And I was like, what could I buy them? What could I get them? How can I show up? How could I coach them? How can I be there for them? And it all fell apart again because again, I wasn't enough in those relationships again. I wasn't gonna be enough if I couldn't give them something, buy them something, or be a coach or help them change their life. And it all crumbled apart. And I was like, man, I cannot trust women. These women are terrible. Again. I realized it was doing a lot of self work and going, I don't believe I'm enough. And becoming so self aware that I, if someone asked me, could you just sit and listen to them and be enough and hold space for them if you don't offer value? I had a few aha moments that I was like, I don't believe I'm valuable if I'm not giving value. So I started showing up in relationships where I could just hold space and listen and I would feel myself want to give value and I'd feel myself want to coach them and I'd feel my. This is crazy. I feel myself. When friends come into my life, I'm like, what can I buy? What gift can I send? What can I buy them? Even though I don't even like getting gifts for the most part. Don't get me wrong, some gifts are great, but when I feel that come up, I sit in it and I resist the urge to do it. Every part of me wants to do something so nice for people or offer. How can I coach them and call them and do this? And I'm like, don't do it.

It's fair enough.

Not adding value.

And so this is so important, especially for those of you who notice that you have people pleasing tendencies. And I'm saying it that way for a reason, because when I used to say I am a people pleaser, like I took that on and I claimed that label versus I have people pleasing tendencies when I'm. And I'll elaborate on that in a second, but know that like for both of us, this still comes up those. The urge to ask the question who do I need to be for that person still goes through my mind and I allow it. And then I. And then I let it pass through and, and practice sitting in. What if I'm just me and allow them to like or dislike or be so neutral on who I am. And in the wake of that, that's how I found friendships. I mean, I think that's where you and I connected and realized that in our truest, the truest version of ourselves, we really, really like each other. And I have a few of those friendships now that I can be fully myself. I catch myself just being like the more, the weirdest, most authentic version of myself. And they love it more, for sure. But I didn't find that freedom until I stopped asking or caught it when I would want to ask. Because I still have that thought and you still have those thoughts. Who do I have to be for this person? Or what do I need to do in your scenario to earn their love, their affection, their friendship?

Okay, so I'm going to Just transfer and we'll close on this one. Because as you know, I could. This is now a long. But I like it.

I like it.

Yeah.

Welcome to our longy. So this shows up in business for me a lot. And in business, one of my biggest things right now is whether it's with a mastermind or an event or whatever, I'm setting such an expectation because the expectations not only give them boundaries and clear what they will and won't get, but it gives me clear terms of how I will and won't show up. And it gives me so much freedom because I notice that I will if I don't give myself those expectations and those boundaries of like, no. After this event is done. This is it. This is where everything is contained. What I'll notice is sometimes certain people, if it's people that I really want in there or I want to make them happier, I can tell that they're very type A and I'm worried about how they're going to feel in something or feel about the event or feel about my coaching or whatever that is. I'm like, oh, that's a trigger for me. I can notice that I'm trying to, I'm forgetting about the other people and I'm only trying to please this person because maybe they are showing up a little bit more type A or high maintenance or whatever that is. And I'm like, you set your expect like you said, your expectation, you gave yourself permission of how you will and won't show up. Do not cross that and slip into that. Because what will happen is you will notice that you forget about the flock and you go for the one person that is actually going to show up that way everywhere in their life. And this is so huge about business, you guys, because this is happening in everybody's business right now that we forget about the whole and we go to that one person that is really making us show up in our old ways because we have not been really clear with our, our personal expectations on ourselves or for that business or for the business model that you're setting up. Do you ever find that in your business?

I am having flashbacks at the moment. And so for me, the journey of building a network marketing team was the perfect playground to see the habits that could not come with me where I wanted to go. And one of them I just remember, like, I remember being like, oh, what's that? You want to talk to me once a day and you want to like tell me all of your life stories and you feel unsupportive If I'm not answering your call every single day. Okay, great. And then I would literally like, you know when you see someone's name pop up on your phone and you like, it's that feeling of dread and you don't want to answer it, but then you're like, hi. And inside your soul is dying and it's like literally screaming. And I had so many of those experiences and I think it's tied back to those people pleasing tendencies that I was never going to grow into the leader I wanted to be, the speaker I wanted to be because everything was through this filter of like, do you like me? Is this okay? Is it okay that I'm shining this bright? Is it okay that I'm playing this big? Oh, wait, you're one random person. You're not comfortable. Well, why don't I just stay right here and not grow until you're comfortable with my growth? And I think there's a lot of women out there who are building businesses who can probably relate to this. Or you're taking on clients that you want to make them happy, but they're never gonna be happy.

Never.

Just let them go.

Totally.

Oh, frozen. That's the song. I'm like, where's that song?

Let it go.

Let them go.

Yeah.

Amen. One million percent. And you guys, whatever theme you're in right now is a theme that's coming up everywhere, either in your life or for everybody else. So it's so easy to think that you're alone and you are. So this is not happening to you. This is 1 million percent, like we always say, happening for you. So really get in there and look at where you pivoted and started to let it happen, or you are tolerating something in your life, or you are thinking that you need to change for somebody. And most likely, unfortunately, it's going to be the hardest. It's going to be one of the most challenging things you do. But there's going to be so much freedom on the other side that you can't even fathom what it's going to feel like. Because I would have never learned these lessons without all of that pain, without all of those tears. And could I, if I could, I would take it away from people. But at the same time, I actually think that that's the gift of life is being able to. To be free on the other side. So I really do think that that experience is a gift because that's the human experience. Pain and joy. And realizing that just because there's pain in a day doesn't make it a bad day. Like pain and joy can exist on the same good day. And it's what you choose to focus on Word, you know? Cause especially as you grow. Lynn's we both know that if we focused on the pain in our business or in our lives or in certain relationships, we would never have a good day ever again because they are existing every day together. So, yeah, thanks for making this quickie alongy because I certainly enjoyed it.

I love this longy. That's a new thing.

It's time for another longy because there's no such thing as. As Lori being brave.

You should go on a longer run. If you're listening to this on a run, we're just trying to give you bonus card.

There you go. You probably. Hey, you know what? If you. If you ran anything like me, you may have just finished your three miles in 40 minutes.

So perfect.

All right. Speaking of Linds, you and I are about to go on a run, so let's do it. So here we go. Yes. And if you missed it, she was here. Or she was. She is here for what, four days for doing event love content. So we are doing basically, essentially like dropping in for a mastermind to just knock all of this amazing, beautiful content out. So, so excited about that. So, you guys, hopefully we get to see you there. Go check it out@eventlove.com eventlub.com because we will be teaching all of this juicy wisdom for one entire week during our certification program for you to step in and be a more confident speaker and also know how to market and fill your event to have profitable events, whether it's retreats, whether it's events, whether it's. Man, we just literally any idea around getting people together is what we're going to be talking about. And being able to support yourself and monetize that and making sure that you feel confident in your message and bringing people in. So. All right, guys, until next time, earn your happy.

Bye, everyone.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review. If you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye.

Bye.