451: Your best life is happening parallel to the storms with Alex Banayan

Hi, everyone. I'm so happy you've tuned into the show. Whether you have listened before or you're brand new, I'm so grateful for you. You have no idea. And this episode is brought to you by my Become Aligned course. And podcasts are amazing. And I know that you know that because you guys all listen to them, and I do, too. And sometimes they are not necessarily enough because while we're listening, sometimes we're passively listening and we're not actively listening. So the reason that Chris and I. Chris is my husband. The reason we've created this course is because we get asked so many questions outside of the podcast on how we started living the life that we live now. A life of happiness, of abundance, of really understanding that life is always full of problems every single day, but there's always a solution. And how do we shift back into a mindset that's going to keep us happy, keep us together, keep us successful, and keep us in thriving relationships? And that is what our, our Become Aligned course is about. You guys, we cover everything from mindset to the rituals that we do every single day. We talk about different energy sources that's really gonna provide you with lasting energy. We talk about your purpose and what that actually means, what it is and how it's ever changing. We're gonna tap into your beliefs, we're gonna show you how to build a tribe to support where you're going. And we're definitely going to talk about wealth, abundance, money, all of the good things, and how to sustain all of this. Because while, like I said, POD are absolutely awesome, you don't necessarily sit down and actually write out a plan for yourself. Because as much as I can sit here and tell you on the podcast, what we do and how much, how many different people that I can interview, it's important that you actually learn how to apply these things in your own life. So if you've been listening for a while and you are ready to go deeper and you really want to get some direct training and be able to dive into your life and yourself and your mindset, this is the course for you. I don't know about you, but I absolutely have points in my life where I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I hit walls where I don't necessarily feel happy anymore, and I haven't sat with myself long enough. I haven't really let myself think. I haven't written out how I actually feel. And so many people who took this course said that it was completely life changing and they revealed a lot of things about themselves, about them, about their. About their relationships that they weren't really looking at or they were avoiding. And it's about having those tough conversations, not only with other people, but really with yourself and knowing that you have the tools and the access to the tools. And we're going to teach you all of the tools that you need not only to move through things, but to actually thrive on the other side. So, you guys, I would love for you to join the aligned community. It's such a special group of human beings and you get lifetime time access. This is nine different modules where you're going to be working through each area of your life at your own pace. So you might need something on abundance, you might need more on, you know, money, you might need more on your purpose on your tribe. This is where you can really go deep on exactly what you need and make sure that you're not missing any of your blind spots. If you are feeling stuck or if you are wondering how everyone is doing it and how they're managing it all. This is a truly honest course about how to have a thriving life and manage and deal with all of the different problems that do come up in your life and understand that not everyone is going to support you and not everyone is for you and you are not for everyone. And that's okay. It's finding your people, it's forgiving yourself. It's creating a life of abundance and choosing your own purpose and your happiness. So, you guys, you can go to becomealigned.com that's becomealigned.com and you guys know that because you're listeners, I'm gonna give you an awesome deal and an awesome discount and I cannot wait to see you in that community. And also let me know if you join because it is such an awesome, awesome community. And also I'm really proud of this course. Chris and I poured our heart and our soul into this. Everything that we've done, everything that we've learned, we've invested so much into ourself that this is everything that we have applied in our lives. And if you want to know how we've done it, we put it all on the table. We've put it all in this course. So if you want to know, go check it out@becealigned.com so let's get into the show.

You will be surprised by how capable you are, but you'll never know until you give yourself permission to try.

Welcome to the earn your happy Podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the show. As always, thank you so much for listening. Here is your reminder that if you are or going to be if you know you are a speaker, teacher, leader, facilitator, someone who wants to run their own small events, huge events, masterminds, workshops, whatever that is, this is your year to do it. There has never been anything like this where we are taking you through a speaker's boot camp. You become the event, you become the teacher, you become the facilitator. And we're also teaching marketing and how to run and host profitable events. So it is both becoming a confident speaker and also learning how to run the workshops and make them profitable, profitable workshops and events. And I will tell you from all of my experience in running events, if I would have had this in the beginning of my career, I would have absolutely saved money on my first event enough to pay for this five day in person certification program. You guys have to go check it out before the price increases in few weeks. Eventluv.com and today my guest is someone that has been on the podcast before and I absolutely loved every second of this conversation. He is a nationally bestselling business author under 30 and he is the author of the Third Door the Wild Quest to Uncover how the World's Most Successful People Launched Their careers. You guys, he came on the show already talking about the third door and now this is all about his life and what has happened after being in these rooms with people talking all about how people have launched their careers and really getting into the meat of what's going on in his world right now. How he's overcome overcoming different issues of trying to get your message out and also just a lot of stuff that can come up within our own families when we end up going on these paths of doing really big things in the world. He is an acclaimed keynote speaker. He's presented the Third Door framework to business conferences, corporate leadership, corporate leadership teams around the world, including Apple, Google, Nike, IBM, Snapchat, Salesforce, and Disney. So, you guys, let's jump right into this interview. Alex, I'm so excited to have you back on the show. Thank you for coming on.

I am very, very excited. Thank you.

So it's so crazy how fast time goes. And also you've been on, like the ride of your life after your book. You guys, if you don't know Alex was on the show previously, I will link up his previous podcast. But he is the author of the Third Door, and you've kind of been like doing this non stop tour a little bit with your book. I want to know. So here's what I want to know. As a fellow author, I love hearing about the ride because literally your life change changes when you put out a book. First of all, the journey to even put a book out is absolutely insane. And then I think the journey just begins after you realize, like, wow, now I have to be the person typically to get behind this and really get this message out in the world. So would you kind of just share a little bit of the book is out now. What do I do now? What, like, what does this look like for you?

I think what's been so surprising and I feel like you could probably relate to this is being an author is a very weird thing in the year, like 2019, because it's really like five jobs in one.

Yeah.

So you know when you first of all, like, when you're pitching the book, that's its own job, like creating the book proposal and the marketing plan. And like, you're sort of. You become an agent and then there's like the next process, which is like writing the book. And if your book requires research, you become like a detective. So that's a whole nother job where you like holed up in like a little room, you know, writing by yourself. And then there's a whole nother part where you're like editing and you're taking in all these other people's feedbacks, which is a completely different skill set. Then comes marketing. Before the book's out, I'm going through, like, ptsd. The hard part is the shifting. And again, I don't want to make a joke about ptsd, but it does still feel overwhelming. Remembering the hard part for me was the switching of the gears where you're literally one day editing the page number font, and then the next day you're in a coffee shop outlining the next six months of marketing. And there's some people who give their entire lives and careers to these professions. You know, page designers, cover designers. Marketers, like people give their whole lives to this. But if you're like an author in 2019 and you want to launch a book, you're sort of doing all of these very serious professions, the best you possibly can for these sprints. And then once it comes out, then it's a completely different form of marketing because then you're now responding to what's already working and you're riding. It's more like surfing where, okay, this wave is getting bigger, let's ride this one and then let's cut across here. Let's do this. It's. You're much more going with gravity, but you're still going. It's not like you're just sitting back.

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You know what I love what you've done is that you have not kind of like sat back or given up on your book. You've been like, nope, we're going back at it. So tell me a little bit about that because I honestly think kind of were talking about too. Just reminds me so much of being an entrepreneur. Like one day you are creating content, the next day you are like trying to figure out how in the world to get it seen on social media or doing an ad or it's just absolutely insane. So as far as you know, reigniting, it's like reigniting the book even when you feel like, okay, has this slowed down? Are people liking it? Let's talk about making sure you kept the momentum going.

It's really funny he didn't even say this to me, so I won't say who said this, but a very famous podcaster was talking to one of my best friends and he said, yeah, Alex is a very unusual person. Normally people come on my podcast, they're pitching their book and they might really go hard for a month and really push it. And some authors who are really extreme, like Tim Ferriss, might go three months pushing his book and he's Like Alex is on month 15. I think he was sort of saying it as like a joke and I took it as like a giant compliment. I just give a shit in a really weird. But to me it just feels fulfilling and beautiful. Way of. Like. The thing about the Third Door is when I started writing this at age 18, it was a seven year journey just to make the book.

Yeah.

And to me, when the book was out, it felt like that was only the first half of the process. Because there's this quote that I love that says a book without a reader is like, is just paper with ink watts on it. The reader actually makes it a book. And the whole reason I went on this journey is I had this belief that if all these people came together not for press, not for promoting anything, but really to share their best wisdom with the next generation, people can do so much more. I guess if someone hasn't listened to the first episode. This brief context of this is I spent the past seven years tracking down the world's most successful people, figuring out when they were just starting, how they broke through. So for business, I spoke to Bill Gates, music, Lady Gaga, science, Jane Goodall, Maya Angelou, Jessica Alba, Quincy Jones, Larry King. And what I learned is that every single one of these people treated life and business and success the exact same way. And the analogy that came to me is that it's sort of like getting into a nightclub. You know, this part, there's always three ways in. So there's the first door, the main entrance, where the line curves around the block, where 99% of people wait around hoping to get it. That's the first door. And then there's the second door, the VIP entrance where the billionaires and celebrities go through. And for some reason, school and society have this way of making us feel like those are the only two ways in. You either wait your turn or you're born into it. But what I learned, and what you know better than anyone, is that there's always, always the third door. Where you jump out of line, run down the alley, bang on the door a hundred times, crack open the window, go through the kitchen, there's always a way in. And it doesn't matter if that's how Bill Gates sold his first piece of software or how Lady Gaga got her first record deal. They all took the third door.

Mm. Oh, my God. I love that theory. Because there's always a way. There is always a way. But through your book, you really show that there's always a way. We can say it all day long and you can try to tell people what your journey is, but I think that you just really, really, like, painted that picture so many different times in your book. And you know what I love is, like. Like, even just you sharing, you guys, if you're not even thinking of writing a book or you have, like, no desire to do any of what we were just talking about, the parallels that you can draw through everything are, like, all the same. I always think about that. Like, do you remember those old projectors in school? Like, you would just lay, like, the little clear plastic things?

Yes, yes, yes. The overhead projector.

Yes. I just always write the math problems on it. Yeah, totally. It's really funny now that we think.

Wow, I haven't thought about that in so long.

I know, but I always think about that with life analogies because, like, I feel like there's a success formula and you can take that clear sheet and lay it over every single path. Because it's like, the same way that you would promote a book and not give up and keep going back is the same way that you promote a business idea, and the same way that you have to pivot and, like, be all of these different things. And, like, you know, you go through feeling like you're absolutely in hell over this, it's never going to see the light of day. Like, you. You. It's a. It's a journey. It's like the same journey. And I feel like once you done it once, you'll just keep doing it again and again and again, and you learn patience. And I always think of this with fitness because I'm so glad I started, like, learning with that as my foundation, because I learned really quickly that you'll work for years and not see the result until, like, two years later, like, oh, I finally put on some muscle and my body changed. Okay, finally. And I think that's so important. So for you, you've been doing this for. Okay, okay. Sounded like 15 months now, or maybe longer, or is it long?

The book came out 15 months ago.

Yeah. Okay, so what?

I like treating it like a child. Like, she's 15 months old.

She's 15 months old now. She's so cute. She's walking. No, she's crawling. So what is one of the biggest lessons that you've extracted from? Just pushing something out into the world that has been such a labor of love. Like, just something that's really coming through for you right now. I know there's a million different lessons, but just something. I know you just came back from Japan. Maybe you can Share a little bit of that.

Yeah, I would say some of the biggest lessons have been obviously the things that have surprised me the most. So when the book first came out in the US last year, it became a national bestseller. So I was very excited about that. And there's obviously you went through too. There's a natural momentum that happens the months after a book launch. Then what happens? There's also a natural slowdown because if anything what goes up comes down. So if it blows up, it's going to come back down to whatever the normal rate is. And it made sense to me why I remember before my book came out, I studied a lot of other bestselling authors of how their launches went and I couldn't understand why. Most authors who I was studying how their careers unfolded, why at month three they all started writing their next book or their next product or their next. I was like, why is it always at month three and then you start doing it and you feel the physical demand and the physical burnout by month two and a half you're like, get me the fuck off this ride. Even though this was my dream, I'm good. I. And this is the thing too. You feel after the first month the level of fulfillment was so deep. I remember telling one of my best friends, his name is Max. I said if I died right now, I would feel like I'm good. I did what I was supposed to do. Which by the way is like I'm very aware of how rare of a feeling that is. So I'm very grateful for that.

What was that? What brought that though? Because it's not just right. Some people do not feel that way. So was it being in the rooms with people? Was it. Were you really like, was the best part for you making sure that you got present and listened to the stories that were coming from it or what was that?

I'm weird in the sense that like if I'm like in the room at a folks dining with someone and someone gives me a compliment, there's a part of me that's like, are they saying that because I'm right in front of them? You know, for me it was going online and whether it was on Amazon or Twitter or Instagram and just sort of like stalking the book and seeing what people you know. There's a difference between someone doing like AlexMonette on Twitter versus just like writing about the book. I always rather when someone obviously I love when people tag me but I find more fulfillment when people don't know I'm watching what they're writing about and, and I'll go on Twitter and on Instagram and on Amazon and read people's comments that they didn't send to me. And there were just a lot of young people writing about how it changed their life. And I was that person. I'm not some successful CEO that's writing this book about all my success. I wrote this book out of my own pain. I was 18 years old. I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't know how these people who I looked up to, how they did it. And I had this dream of writing this book to help me and my friends deal with all the issues we're dealing with. So seeing other people who are going through the same challenges as us find that fulfillment. And then on top of that having 70 year old CEOs of billion dollar public company say, change their life, I was like, this is. And I think that's probably been the biggest surprise. When you have a dream and you fight and fight and fight for years to go for it, and then when it starts surpassing what you envisioned, when it starts having a life of its own, is really when you like sit back and you're sort of speechless.

So what if it didn't? Had you gone to that place where you were just like, okay, what if this doesn't do what I want it to do? And how did you manage your mindset around that?

Look, there's definitely been points and I actually am happy you asked that because it's very easy to only talk about the positive stuff. There have been a lot of nights of like, this sucks. And there's one reason why I get to that point and I'm trying to stop it. It's just a habit of mine. I'm a human being. I'm at work in progress. It is always when I'm on Instagram or on Twitter and I see another author who's doing better, I literally will, first of all, God bless them, they're doing great. They're making the world a better place. And they've been added for like 10 years. And I'm on like month three and all of a sudden I go into this spiral. I call it like a comparison spiral. And I'm obsessive compulsive when it comes to like, it's not. It's probably the habit that I want to stop the most or at least bring the most aware awareness to because I'll literally see one thing by someone who's doing well and then I'll like, click on their page and go down, like 200 posts.

Yes.

All the things they're doing well and literally just judge. You know, there's a great quote that says, you know, social media is their highlight reel versus your behind.

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So I'm living my behind the scenes, and I'm watching their highlight reel. First of all, if I even compared my behind the scenes to my own highlight reel, I would be impressed, you know, but I would say that has always consistently. And you and I have talked about this in the past of, like, that's where I get my lowest, when I start looking over my shoulder to how someone else. I think someone else is doing, and I get very down on myself and instead of just looking at how far I've come personally.

So how do you flip that? If you're sitting there in the spiral, you just get off, or do you. What do you do?

Do you go, I wish. I am definitely not, you know, I'm definitely not good enough to just, like, flick a switch like that. What I've learned, and this is true for anyone who's, like, dealing with, you know, comparison issues, insecurities, or fear.

Everyone.

Yeah. What I've learned for myself is, oh, wow, I'll share this. That. Okay, fine. Yeah. You know when something. No, you know when something is like, you haven't ever thought it through out loud and you're afraid of, like, oh.

Yeah, 99% of the things I say, right.

This is something I've literally started doing very personally in my head like for the past 48 hours. And I don't know if this is going to make me sound like an idiot, but this is what I've been doing is for various reasons I've been going through some family stuff and I've been feeling a lot of very intense emotions and just like comparison it like sort of breeds upon itself and makes me more and more upset if I'm feeling angry. Like my anger sometimes just keeps building into finding other things that I'm angry about and it starts becoming very overwhelming to the point where it's all I can see. And I've started saying this I guess mantra or whatever you want to call it in my head, which I got from somewhat another author named Thich Nhat Hanh, who's this amazing Buddhist monk. And what I'll say is I'll take a big breath in and I'll say I acknowledge my anger and I'll take a breathing in. I acknowledge my anger. I'll take a big breath in and then I'll say breathing out. I give my anger permission and then I'll like say it ten times and all of a sudden it just becomes. It's almost like my anger is this like 4 year old kid that just wanted me to sit down with him and say, you're okay, you're feeling this for a reason, you're allowed to be angry. And what happens normally is I get angry and then I hate that I'm angry and then I become angry about other things, then I hate that I'm angry about that and I become. And it's sort of like I fight my own anger and it just keeps exploding into more things. But I've started giving myself permission and what I've learned is that whether it's your fears or your insecurities or your anger or your feelings of not being enough, me trying to rid myself of these emotions exacerbates them. And it's only when I take a breath and acknowledge what I'm feeling and give myself permission. There's Thich Nhat Hanh. The same author talks about the mental living room in your mind where normally when we feel fear, we sort of try to banish it out to the sidewalk and say, you're not welcome here. And what happens is the fear just gets stronger and bigger and knocks down the house. Whereas Thich Nhat Hanh recommends opening up the front door, pulling up a chair in the living room and inviting Your fear to sit down, offering it a cup of tea, and what happens is your fear begins to relax. It doesn't disappear, but it begins to relax. And only once it begins to relax can you take the next step. And I'm trying to. I've gotten better at doing that with my fears and insecurities. But anger is like my new frontier. Because in my childhood, I was terrified when other people were angry, when adults were angry. So I've sort of cast anger as this not welcome emotion. And now I'm trying to learn how to be mindfully angry. This is very new territory for me.

This is so good because I think being mindfully angry, really also, by the.

Way, I have so much talking about this. This is like, very new for me.

Oh, this is great. Don't you love talking through things for the first time and having them recorded?

Like, you know, Lori's podcast, Alex Benayan on being an angry person.

Alex Benayan is angry.

No.

That's amazing. We all feel that way.

My childhood, by the way. Like, I remember my grandma saying, like, oh, so and so, such an angry person. And like, all of a sudden, like, anger was this thing that the kids. Okay. In my family, if you were in the kid generation, if you're like a child or if you were a woman, like my mom or my sister, not allowed to be angry. But if you were like a father, it's like your biggest weapon.

Yeah.

Anyways, that's my own.

It's really funny. I kind of grew up that way, too. The male figures were always angry, and the women were like, we weren't allowed to show we were angry. Like, that's just that. That's my. My lenses.

Whether that was true.

Women have no rights to, you know, be angry in return. And kids have no right to be angry at their parents. Cause they should be grateful that they're not, you know, that they're being fed and housed.

And I've really had to also kind of, like, adopt that same kind of idea, especially in, you know, business and also in. In personal relationships. Like, it's. I actually get over it faster when I create get angry. And it, like, cycles through because anger is like a really intense energy. And if you don't give it space, it is going to come back up. So I want to ask. I want to know about the time those things and those loops that will never be completed in the way that you want the relationships that will never turn out, how you want the family members who will never be the people.

You mean my life?

All of our lives. So how do we complete these? And I know that this piggybacks exactly on anger, but it's like what people think is they look at people's lives like, you like all of these different successful people, they're like, you know, Alex has this book and he seems to have it so together. He's so calm and he's this amazing speaker and he's this awesome friend and people love him and they have no idea that what's running in your background is these open loops of things that feel incomplete, that you. That are never gonna feel right to you. But how do you make them right for yourself?

Right? That aren't neatly packaged in their perfect place. You're literally talking to like, what I'm going through. Isn't it so funny? I was watching Dave Chappelle's new stand up special on Netflix and he's like talking about the same thing. He's like, you know, people think I have a perfect life. He's like, my life is sort of like a above ground pool. He's like, look, it's a pool. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have a pool, but. And I was like a part of me, like, couldn't, like, I got what he was saying because I can resonate with that in some ways. I'm like, even Dave Chappelle, like, come on, like, you're being modest or you're like just being self deprecating. But I sort of. To get it to a degree of things here, I'll give you a perfect example. The day the book came out last year in the US it came out and I was in New York, and two days later I got a call that my grandfather passed away. And I, of course, flew back to LA for the funeral and for the memorial. And then 30 days after my grandpa passed away, my grandmother passed away. And you know, what I've realized is in many ways, the third door was my quest to go and try to learn what I wanted to learn. And I think that's beautiful. But also, life teaches you what it wants you to learn. And it's almost like life or God or the universe, whatever you want to call it, was beating me over the head with this same lesson of like, look, I came to terms when my dad passed away a few years ago that sometimes life, things come together and sometimes they fall apart, but there's almost like a neatness. And like, all right, this is the phase. Things come together and this is the phase. You know, this is going to be the. This, this is the year where Things are. People are like, oh, 2019 was such a hard year. 2020 is going to be a great year. I'm like, no, that's not how it works. The hardest times in life and the best times in life can literally happen in the same week. And my pursuit or obsession for things being neatly in their place has been beaten out of me by life. And trust me, it hasn't been fully beaten out of me because I'm still walking around hoping that so and so changes and loves me again, or so and so changes and talks to me again or, you know, part of me when I see a success, I'm like, oh, now are they gonna. Now is that person who I want to love me gonna love me? Like, man, this is. I really hope these people do not listen to this episode. Cause they'll know exactly who they are.

We'll block them from it.

I'm gonna send you, like, three. God, I'm, like, sweating.

I do that sometimes. And I'm like, oh, my God, Are they gonna listen to this? Oh, my God.

You know what's funny about shame is when you start getting better at. You know, you and I have similar jobs where we are in our entire careers, sort of like working through our shame and being open about what we're going through and what we're learning from what we're going through. And sort of it's like the opposite of the way at least I was raised, which is, like, you keep the bad stuff hidden, and you talk about.

The good stuff, right?

And the more you do it, the more you do it. But there's still parts of me, like, even right now, like, sharing stuff with you, where it's like, oh, no, there's definitely a moment where. Or not a moment. Many moments where it feels like you say something and like, God's finger will come down from heaven and be like, Alex Benayan. Like, you were not supposed to say that. And that's shame. And I'm working through it. And, yeah, my friend inq, who I know you know well, always says, you know, I'm a work in progress. And that's sort of become like my mantra recently. It's helped me relax into the messiness of life.

Always. Always. That's so beautiful. Work in progress, for sure. Like, literally every single day. It doesn't matter where you're coming off of, even, like, your biggest moments. Sometimes those can also create the biggest works in progress. Then you can be hit with something you didn't even expect or you didn't realize this new level would Bring something completely different, right?

Or it triggers old childhood traumas or.

I think so many of the parts of what you're going through right now. And I can so relate. It's crazy. I know that everybody on here is shaking their head. Cause we're all, we're all in our, you know, whether you're in success or whatever. Maybe it's a summer season. There is simultaneously a winter somewhere in your season. Like there's like an igloo with all the people in winter.

While it's summer.

Oh my God. While it's summer. I know Tim's story says, you know, even when everything is right, there's always left. And that's been one of the biggest things that I think about. Even when everything is right, there's always left, like no matter what you're doing. So that's been something really big is acceptance of that. And I think the part that you just said about, you know, feeling shame around, like sharing certain things, it's really. And I want to know about how you're part of this journey has gone because it's been really challenging to share my story without feeling like I'm really hurting certain people in my family and disappointing them. But I don't know how to share my journey without being honest, but also saying how important it is and how much I appreciate, you know, I feel like I always have to go back and be like, I appreciate this person, I love them. I'm so grateful for this and I'm glad I learned this lesson and blah, blah, blah. And while that's important, it's also important to acknowledge, I think, like, but yeah, that was your reality. So how do you balance like. Like, holy crap. Like, how do I not offend and disappoint, but also own who I am and where I've come from?

You're asking, you know, you're asking someone, you know how to be a good swimmer when I haven't even entered the ocean yet. At least that's how it feels. That's how it feels.

I totally feel you.

Because in many ways here, I'll give you an example that was a bit easier in the Third Door. There was this one part during my, you know, in the middle of the book, there's like my eight month quest to track down Warren Buffet. And there's one person that's a main character in that saga, the Warren Buffett saga that turns out to. I don't want to give it away, but turns there was a big essentially plot twist where that person really betrayed me and It's a real person. The book's a nonfiction book. It's a real person. And I didn't want to put that in the book because, A, it was a really painful experience, and B, even though the person, yes, did screw me over, I don't think he did it maliciously. And I just didn't want to open the can of worms of putting out negative energy in the world. And then my editor. So I didn't put it in originally. And my editor was like, look. Because he knew the real story. He said, look, if you don't put that in the book, number one, the readers will have no idea why you did all these idiotic things on the way to get to Warren Buffett. He was telling you to do them. And without explaining that part, you just look like this delusional person. And you're not. You actually were just being betrayed by someone. That's number one. And number two, people need to know, especially young people who are reading this book, that for all of the amazing people who come out of nowhere, who help you achieve a dream, no matter what your dream is, there's also going to be that shady guy in the alley who sort of tells you they're going to help you get in, and then they end up taking your money and running. That's just sort of how life works. Instead of sugarcoating the journey, tell people what actually happens. And I was very hesitant, and it's just very painful. It was a very painful few months writing that part. And, yeah, I still. It's still not my favorite thing to talk about or my favorite thing in the book, but it is a reality in the book. And it's been fascinating seeing the response of readers about how much people resonated from that, because that's the part of achieving a dream that no one talks about. When you do get screwed over by someone you love or when you do get taken advantage of in a very embarrassing way that you should have known better. All the warning signs were there, and you just were too obsessed, too desperate to see them. And I think it becomes even harder when it's family members or people who you love, who you don't want to throw them under the bus for the sake of tarnishing the family name. But also, like, the truth is, no one knows the real you unless they know the real you. The real you is people who you love doing extremely hurtful things. And it's something where I'm not even ready in many ways. I think it takes time. And Maya Angelou wrote, I Know why the caged bird sings when she was 40 years old about her 8 year old traumas. So I keep reminding myself that to tell myself I have, I have some time.

Absolutely. I think, you know, sometimes, and sometimes those may, you may never share them. You know, you might work them out with yourself.

Yeah.

But you know, you just, you so cued something up in my head like, like everyone has been through betrayal by a loved one or you know, someone that they just held on a pedestal. And I don't think people talk about it a lot because of the possibility of them finding out and the thing that betrayal has done. For me though, betrayal has been the ultimate lesson and road to self acceptance. Because when someone betrays.

Tell me how. Cause I need to know this.

Oh, because when someone betrays you, you're left with yourself and you are left thinking, if they did this to me, I must not be worthy or what's wrong with me, I must be a bad person. How can I make it right? Right? I need to make it right. Oh my God. You know, and how can people not see all of these? Like you feel like there needs to be some sort of either retaliation or some sort of like making it right. And, and I will tell you like betrayal is the ultimate, like letting it be okay that this person is this way and that, you know, you are, you are okay being you and just accepting fully no matter what happens to you, like you're okay. And I always think of that like you are created like unassailable, like you are not able to, which means you're not able to be taken down by like another human emotionally. And that's been really huge for me. So betrayal has been the most like massive self acceptance journey. And know it like leaning into faith that they were just there for me to like know that I'm okay on my own no matter what.

Yes, a hundred percent. It's almost like you have to lose sometimes the people who love you the most for you to find out how much you love yourself.

Huh?

You're sort of left with just you. That's it. It's like you, you know, the love from you and the love from God. Like how loved can you feel just by relying on your own self love as opposed to the admiration of you're this or you're that, you know, or making it right.

Like the pain of knowing somebody out there doesn't like you and is either stirring the pot or especially someone that.

You'Ve given so much authority over your.

Life and given them the inside window to Your soul, right. Like it can be twisted or manipulated or. Yeah, that's an interesting place. When you're like, okay, even if my character is being twisted by this person, do I love myself enough to know that I'm going to be okay and this is going to turn out?

It's so hard. And I think actually that's it. It's period. It's so hard. And it's nice to hear that it's not just me and my sister, the fact that you feel it too. And it's just weird. Our society is weird in the sense of Bill Gates and Forbes doesn't talk about this for obvious reasons. And you only might see a self help person or a Buddhist nun talk about this and you feel like, oh, these are only topics that only might be relevant to them. But it's all of us.

It's all of us whenever. You know, I think the coolest part about, and I know that you relate to this about being on book tour is the amount of people you get to like be in a room with and hear what is like the common kind of what's going on right now. And that was such a huge theme for people is that I just find like everyone's dealing with a betrayal and it's still kind of there, it's still kind of hanging over their head or you know, they still have something from like 10 years ago in their family that they can't get over. So I know that you're, you know, you're definitely in things right now, but do you, are you able to compartmentalize? What's something that you kind of lean into? Do you, do you say a prayer? Do you go for walks? How do you kind of deal with different things that, you know, feel that way?

When I get into the spiral, I like talking about the spiral because the spiral can be very intense. When I get into the spiral, a prayer that's very helpful for me. Obviously I didn't come up with it myself is, and it's a very famous one, it says, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And the first line of that has been the big learning curve for me this past year. Accept the things I cannot change. Because I feel you and I have very similar personalities where we're like, oh, a problem, let's solve It. And then sometimes the biggest thing is that I am powerless over other people. And that has been a huge hard lesson for me to come to terms with. And not just come to terms with, actually accept and make peace with. There's a difference between agreeing with it intellectually and making peace with it emotionally. And that's been a big learning curve for me. And especially in the line of work you and I are in, where literally our whole jobs are to try to help people. And when it's the people we love the most, whether it's our family or our friends or the people we grew up with with, when you realize that only can you not help them, your attempt to help them has made your own life unmanageable. Is a huge, you know, life moment of coming to terms with it.

So how. What do you do when you know you have to. Okay, so there's a step before this. But when you know you have to walk away or when you can't, when you made that realization, like, I can't manage this anymore, like, how do you. Because so many people right now are in this point of they are still trying to resuscitate something or they are trying to fix it. So where's the line? How do you do the boundary and how do you stick to the boundary?

Right. Like, for the resuscitate is a great, great way to frame it. And I definitely do that a lot. And the underlying subconscious thought that I have, I don't have a consciously, but the subconscious thought when I'm doing resuscitating type action is if I was just more like this, then the relationship will work, then they'll see it from my perspective, then they'll love me, then everything will be good. If I was just more never is it. If they're like. It's always, if I was just a little bit more this or a little bit more that, a little bit more forceful, a little bit more patient, a little bit more strategic, a little bit more, you know, assertive, whatever, you know. And that's where the life becoming unmanageable gets in. So for me, I've been going to a group. It's called Al Anon. That's been really helpful for me. But there's a lot of things, you know, a lot of different kinds of portal things there.

If people don't know what that is, what is that?

It's. So Al Anon is a group for people who are. Are either related to or friends with someone with an addiction.

Okay.

So it was originally created as like the sister Group to Alcoholics Anonymous. So if, like, one spouse is in Alcoholics Anonymous, the other spouse is in Al Anon.

Got it.

Where you learn similar lessons, but through the frame of someone else in your life has the addiction. Because what happens when someone else has an addiction who you're very close with, you create an addiction to controlling and managing their addiction.

Yep.

If someone is just, like, all over the place and just, like, throwing pots and pans and, you know, slurring at parties, after a few years, you become addicted to having to clean up. Yep. Whatever their thing is. And people have a lot of different addictions. You know, they can be addicted to drugs, to food, to anger, you know, whatever. Anyways, I didn't think. And again, this goes back to the whole thing of, like, sometimes in life you get to choose your adventure, and sometimes life chooses the adventure for you. And the latter sometimes seems less fun, but it also feels sometimes more important.

Why do you think you're learning? And I know that we're in the middle of it, so this is what we like to do. Probably not the most awesome thing to do, but I'm interested. Why do you think you're learning the lessons you're learning? What do you think it's for? Have you already made meaning from it yet, or are you still in, like, the.

The.

I don't know yet.

Three weeks ago, and things were getting, like, really, you know, turbulent. I, like, sort of, like, closed my eyes and, you know, prayed, and I asked. For me, it's God. For someone, it might be the universe. For someone else, it might be, you know, their inner voice, Whatever that higher power is for you. Science, whatever. Whatever it is for you. For me, I was like, why am I going through this? And I got an immediate answer. To see that these things are possible and that they happen. And I do feel like that is part of my. Whether you want to call it fate or destiny or purpose, this. I'm sort of seeing humanity, like, play out in very different ways and seeing that these things happen. I was thinking about this a couple weeks ago that, like, the whole reason my life is even where it is. Like, if I had to, like, narrow it down to, like, one. Like, people ask me, like, is it persistence? Is it the. You know, I actually, for the first time, have an answer that I feel pretty confident about is most people have their eyes open, but they're not looking. They're hearing, but they're not really listening. And I think what's made me who I am is even when things get really hard, I somehow Muster the courage to just keep looking and keep watching. And many times I don't have the answers for what to do. But sure, you've been in situations where, like, something horrendous is happening and like everyone else, you're standing around just sort of like, sort of like plain face, or sort of just like, shrugs it off, you know, and forgets it the next week. And you're like, how you know even if you don't have the answer, you can't unsee what you saw.

Right?

And that's sort of been my whole life is like. Like when I hear that voice saying, I'm not on my path, or if I hear a voice saying, don't look away, I don't look away. And it might sound like, super ambiguous, but that's sort of how I see it now.

So when you say you look, the difference is you look and you listen. With what type of questions do you do that? So if people are in their life right now and they're like, in a crappy place and they're like, what do you mean? Like, my eyes are open. What is the lens in which you look and listen through to extract what it is that you're trying to find?

I think that's an amazing question. I think the key is to look at it without a lens, which is much harder. I spend a lot of my life trying to find the right lens. Like, should I look at this from an intellectual point of view? Should I look at this from a legal point of view? Should I look at this from a moral point of view? And like.

I still want to apply a lens. I'm like, is it just. This just. Is lens or acceptance, right?

Letting. So it's like letting people show you who they are. So, you know, a book that I just read that's completely changed my life is very famous book. It's, you know, the book of the Dao, you know, Taoism. Some people pronounce it Taoism. Some people now it's a Taoism, Tao Te Ching, Dao Te Ching. Both pronunciations, I think are okay. And it's an ancient Chinese philosophy. And towards the end, the author says, I try to only teach people three things in life. Number one is simplicity. Number two is patience. Number three is compassion. It says simplicity because when you live your life simply, you become one with the energy of the earth. Number two is patience, because when you're patient with both your enemies and your friends, they will reveal themselves to you. And number three is compassion, because if you can show compassion to yourself, you can heal the whole world. And it's the second one, the patience, that has really resonated with me because I think a lot of times dating is a perfect example. You meet someone and you're infatuated with them after a week. And then you just start, like, I used to do this a lot. Just start putting all these attributes onto them, like, oh, she's so this and so that. And it's like, dude, you've only met her, like, three times. No, no, trust me, like, she's the. I've started just looking at things as the way they are, not the way I want them to be, not the way that makes me feel. Good.

Yep.

What you're really doing is you're attributing traits and that. Look, it's also. I do this in work all the time. Time a brand that's very famous wants to, you know, do work together. And all of a sudden I'm like, this is the best thing that ever happened. Why? Because, like, I like their product that they put out 10 years ago. So I all of a sudden think, like, the deal that they're sending me is, like, going to be in good faith. Like, I've definitely made a lot of mistakes by projecting my. My projection of how I want things to be on. And then I'm missing what's happening now. The difference, though, is, like, I'll get hit on the head and finally be like, okay, now I'll see. Some people just keep hitting themselves on the head so much, their whole lives never actually change.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. I relate so much to the, like, the pouncing. It's almost like it's how I used to do everything. Relationships, friends, business. Oh, I like you. Like, okay, now I need. We need to set up, like, this perfect scenario of how we're gonna be friends. Like, I'd already have it in my plan.

Our first vacation. Let's do this.

Totally. And it would. It. It, like, smothers everything. Like, I literally now I'm learning, like, even in business, like, everything can be slow and it's going to unfold for you. You don't even have to do with, like, once you've done the due to get to the place of, like, the meeting or whatever that looks like, like, it's going to unfold before you. And I also notice how, like, the best things, kind of like, you have to.

To just.

You have to be persistent, but you also have to let them be at the same time, which is a very interesting dance.

Like, this is maddening advice for Someone who's just starting out is, like, just banging on the door a hundred times. Which is where I was for, like, most of my life. Maddening. Like, I. Because I heard people say this when I was just starting out, and I was just like, you're wrong. Yeah, I'm gonna make it happen.

And it's hard, though, because, okay, there's a part of me that. That believes you have to do the banging on the door to even get to that place of understanding that. And also, like, what it feels like to get that energy going and the motion going. And also how important it is to be so persistent, sometimes almost to an annoying point, in order to then step back. So what I'm saying is so contradictory.

But everything in life, I agree with it 100%. And it's very. What you just said is very. No, nuanced. And what I took from it is that there's a difference between, if we're looking at persistence, for example, being persistent out of fear and desperation, where you're then not seeing what's happening and you're just projecting what you want and you're just banging on the door, versus being persistent out of a place of vision and love, which sounds very airy, but I think you know what I'm talking about, which is, like, you love what you're doing so much that you just keep at it. But you. Because you're not desperate, you're actually able to judge the scenarios better and be like, okay, cool, let me give it a break this week. Clearly, he's very busy. Whereas when you're in fear and desperation, you're not looking at the other person in front of you. You're just going at it over and over and over again because you're terrified of failing. And that's when you make the biggest mistakes. That's how literally Warren Buffett blacklisted me. That's how Tim Ferriss wanted nothing to do with me in the beginning. Beginning. But life will just keep hitting you over the head with the same lesson until you listen.

Oh, it's so. It's. It. It's so beautiful because I've seen myself do it. My whole fitness career started because I was persistent in pitching myself, but I also pitched myself to annoying points in the beginning. And it's like, I had to learn what that dance looked like between, you're a psycho, stop emailing me all about you, and start looking at different ways that you could actually help people, be an advocate, come from love, and be exc. About not just yourself and what the Possibility could be, but, like, really stepping back and looking at the way bigger picture and really bringing that person into the picture of how can you be serving this person? How could what you have be serving other people or things that they're interested in? And that's been really huge for me, 100%.

And I think you said this earlier, too. You need to go. Go through the journey to get to the place where you realize what worked and what didn't for you. So I definitely don't want to knock anyone who's, like, on their hustle right now. Yes, because your hustle will evolve if you listen to what life's trying to tell you. We've all seen people who are literally the most hardcore hustlers and are just banging on the door a hundred times, and they've been at it for, like, 10 years and have seriously not made much progress. And I think the reason most people who have the skills, have the energy, and are banging on the door and aren't making progress is because they're not listening to people's feedback.

If you listen to what life has to tell you is by really, like, so for someone who's listening to pain.

Okay, the answer is pain. Pain tells you something's wrong. It doesn't mean everything is wrong. It means something in that moment is wrong. Wrong. Rejection means something is wrong. Now, it might be something you might not have control over. Like, that person's very busy, which is why they rejected you. Doesn't mean your picture's wrong. It might just mean they're busy, but it just means something is wrong when people do not listen. I keep going back to that Warren Buffett scenario because it was eight months of me not listening. Buffett said no from the beginning. He said it very kindly, though. And I just told myself, I'm going to keep going until he says he. Yes. And I literally just ignored everything him and his secretary said for eight months until literally, Bill Gates office told me to stop reaching out to Buffett. And if I would have listened, I would have had that interview with Buffett after Bill Gates reached out. But I didn't. Again, I had to learn that lesson for me to be able to say this right now to you. But definitely the biggest lessons I've learned in my life were because of. I was in so much pain that I stopped and asked myself, what is this trying to teach me? Jerry Seinfeld has a really funny quote where he says, pain is just a lot of information rushing in very fast. Because even in the middle of the night, if you stub your toe on the bedside. That's a lot of information telling you the bed is there, the bed is there. The bed. Right. Like whenever. Or like betrayal. The pain from betrayal is you in shock that the person you thought was X is actually Y. Yeah.

So a lot of past stories rushing in at once.

Right.

Info.

Right. It's a lot of information. And your brain is in pain because you thought. And like, the longer you known that person and thought they were one way when they let you down, the more painful it is. If you met someone for a week and they betray you, you sort of, like, shrug it off.

Yeah.

But when it's someone you've loved for, like, 20 years, that's where you're just devastated on the floor because there's so much information rushing in all at once. That's what grief is. Your brain literally trying to process that the father you grew up with your whole life isn't there anymore physically.

So how do you process all these stories? How do you process this information when it's rushing all in, when there's so much pain there?

A lot of therapy. Hey, a lot of therapy. Not pushing through it. Every time I try to push through it or I try to avoid it, it gets worse. And what I've learned is that if you think of your pain as this well, where it's just this deep well of pain, Pain. Normally my dance is I'll spend weeks running around the well being like, I'm not going in, I'm not going in. I'm not going in. I'm not going in. I'll try to distract myself. I'll try to. I'll try to logically always try to argue why I shouldn't be upset. And then finally it just gets so overwhelming that I go in. And then I just, like, somehow, like, I just go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper into the pain. And then I start crying, and then I start journaling about it. And then I, like, literally spend all day in a dark place and I go deeper and deeper and deeper, looking at what's causing me the pain. And then like a miracle, I get up and I just walk away completely light again. And what I've realized is that at the bottom of the well of pain is a reservoir of relief. It's the reservoir of relief, but it's at the bottom of the well. It's not in the middle. It's not at the top. It's at the bottom of the well. And I think so many people spend their whole lives running around the well, trying to avoid pain at all costs. That's where addictions come from, literally, because it's too hard to go into that well of pain. So they'll find other avenues to distract themselves.

I think people get scared they're going to get stuck in the well. I think that, of course, because they're like, there's no bottom to this because I can't fix it and I can't replace it. And they can't see the why. So how do you reach the run reservoir?

It takes faith.

Faith that it happened for you, or faith that it's going to be better or faith around what?

Faith in your own abilities that you will be able to stand on your own two feet. And I have gotten more courageous the past few years as my faith and my abilities have gotten stronger. You know, when I was starting out, I definitely didn't do this on a daily basis. You know, sit down and look at my pain and my fears.

Super fun, right?

No, not exactly. And I think something that helps people and it doesn't matter what stage of their career, their life they're in. Reminding yourself of extremely hard times you've been through, and reminding yourself the story of how you eventually were able to stand back up on your own two feet again starts slowly reinforcing a positive story in your mind, a realistic story that you are capable. You're not a helpless child anymore. You are an adult. You do have skills to heal yourself. Your body is resilient. And reminding yourself that helps you muster just enough courage. Courage to sit down and look at what's actually hurting you.

Oh, well, I could talk to you all day. I'm wondering if you have any thoughts right now, just for. Because I know everybody who listened to this extracted some serious wisdom and that everybody who listened to this absolutely resonates.

By the way, I love. This is the most typical a new conversation because we're like, let's talk about the world tour. And then we're, like, going into, like, the deepest, most painful parts of our life. It's really.

I don't know why. It's because it's easy with you. So I'm just like, all right, well, we went to the deep, the deepest pain, well of all times. And now we're coming up. So here we are. Oh, thank you.

I'm very grateful.

Oh, I'm so grateful. These are my favorite conversations because I learned and grow so much from them. So thank you for being so just, like, vulnerable and authentic about where you're at right now. And I think that has, I think people sharing where they're at right now while they are also in success, is some of the most important things we can do. Because that's always the journey. It's always, always the journey. There's always going to be something while you're going towards everything you want to be going towards. That's the human experience. So you shared it so beautifully today, and I'm wondering if there's anything on and your heart closing thoughts for the people who are listening, because they are. We're all right there with you right now.

Yeah. What I'll say is, and you and I talked about this earlier, which is that the first podcast we did, what was so beautiful about it was seeing how. And I guess it's just a testament to what you do, which is you share yourself on this podcast and the people listening, like. Like it gives them permission to be vulnerable and courageous, too. And I think that's why I was so excited again to do this again with you, in addition to loving you, is that whoever is listening to this right now, and if you're listening to this, I am talking to you. The biggest gift you can give yourself is permission to try. Whether it's trying for a new job, trying to start a new business, trying to start a new relationship, or even giving yourself permission to try to look within yourself to the parts of yourself you've been too afraid. You will be surprised by how capable you are, but you'll never know until you give yourself, yourself permission to try.

Oh, thank you so much. I'm so grateful for you. I'm grateful for our friendship, you guys. Chris and I got to go on an amazing beach walk with him. He was like, seriously, there's nothing that drops you in like the ocean, literally. And I'm so, like, I love watching everything that you're doing, and you're just really out there making your dreams happen. You just let me know that your book was. Was number one in all of Japan. Was that last week?

That was last week. It just happened.

Yeah. That is so amazing. I'm so incredibly happy for you. So where can we find you, follow you? And if you don't have his book yet, it is an incredible book. Definitely go and get it. It's called the Third Door. And where else can we follow you?

First of all, thank you. And yeah, the book is everywhere. People like to buy books, so whether that's Amazon or Barnes and Noble or Audible, I read the audiobook myself, so that was really fun.

That's a journey.

Yeah. That was a whole thing. And if you do end up getting the book after listening to this, let me know because I want to just say thank you. So on Instagram it's just lexbanayan and on Twitter and Facebook it's also lexbanayan and I'm just super grateful and hopefully we can do a round three next time.

Yeah, I can't wait. There's always more, isn't there? There's always more. So you guys, if you loved this podcast as much as I did, or if you know some somebody who really needs this topic that we talked about right now on really how you deal with things that you cannot change really seems to be the theme that's come through. Make sure you text it with a friend. We'd love to hear your takeaways. So tag us, share it on social and until next time, earn your happy. Bye everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn you're happy podcast. I I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out with on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye Bye.