454: Advocating For Yourself with Annie Spano

Hi, everyone. I'm so happy you've tuned into the show. Whether you have listened before or you're brand new, I'm so grateful for you. You have no idea. And this episode is brought to you by my Become Aligned course. And podcasts are amazing. And I know that you know that because you guys all listen to them, and I do, too. And sometimes they are not necessarily enough because while we're listening, sometimes we're passively listening and we're not actively listening. So the reason that Chris and I. Chris is my husband. The reason we've created this course is because we get asked so many questions outside of the podcast on how we started living the life that we live now. A life of happiness, of abundance, of really understanding that life is always full of problems every single day, but there's always a solution. And how do we shift back into a mindset that's going to keep us happy, keep us together, keep us successful, and keep us in thriving relationships? And that is what our, our Become Aligned course is about. You guys, we cover everything from mindset to the rituals that we do every single day. We talk about different energy sources that's really gonna provide you with lasting energy. We talk about your purpose and what that actually means, what it is and how it's ever changing. We're gonna tap into your beliefs, we're gonna show you how to build a tribe to support where you're going. And we're definitely going to talk about wealth, abundance, money, all of the good things, and how to sustain all of this. Because while, like I said, POD are absolutely awesome, you don't necessarily sit down and actually write out a plan for yourself. Because as much as I can sit here and tell you on the podcast, what we do and how much, how many different people that I can interview, it's important that you actually learn how to apply these things in your own life. So if you've been listening for a while and you are ready to go deeper and you really want to get some direct training and be able to dive into your life and yourself and your mindset, this is the course for you. I don't know about you, but I absolutely have points in my life where I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I hit walls where I don't necessarily feel happy anymore, and I haven't sat with myself long enough. I haven't really let myself think. I haven't written out how I actually feel. And so many people who took this course said that it was completely life changing and they revealed a lot of things about themselves, about them, about their. About their relationships that they weren't really looking at or they were avoiding. And it's about having those tough conversations, not only with other people, but really with yourself and knowing that you have the tools and the access to the tools. And we're going to teach you all of the tools that you need not only to move through things, but to actually thrive on the other side. So you guys, I would love for you to join the aligned community. It's such a special group of human beings and you get lifetime time access. This is nine different modules where you're going to be working through each area of your life at your own pace. So you might need something on abundance, you might need more on, you know, money, you might need more on your purpose on your tribe. This is where you can really go deep on exactly what you need and make sure that you're not missing any of your blind spots. If you are feeling stuck or if you are wondering how everyone is doing it and how they're managing it all. This is a truly honest course about how to have a thriving life and manage and deal with all of the different problems that do come up in your life and understand that not everyone is going to support you and not everyone is for you and you are not for everyone. And that's okay. It's finding your people, it's forgiving yourself. It's creating a life of abundance and choosing your own purpose and your happiness. So you guys, you can go to becomealigned.com that's becomealigned.com and you guys know that because you're listeners, I'm going to give you an awesome deal and an awesome discount and I cannot wait to see you in that community. And also let me know if you join because it is such an awesome, awesome community. And also I'm really proud of this course. Chris and I poured our heart and our soul into this. Everything that we've done, everything that we've learned, we've invested so much into ourself that this is everything that we have applied in our lives. And if you want to know how we've done it, we put it all on the table. We've put it all in this course. So if you want to know, go check it out@becealigned.com so let's get into the show.

And that's really what it comes down to is like self love, self compassion, empowering yourself, advocating for yourself, like putting yourself before others. Which I know as a woman can definitely be really hard, but it's a habit that you have to start to form.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week, I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business, and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the show. This is your reminder that I want to spend one week with you January 7th through the 11th at Event Love. It is a boot camp for speakers, trainers, leaders, future facilitators, anyone who wants to make a career out of speaking and running events. So you guys go check that out because the prices go up December 18th and we only have 12 spots left. So go to eventlove.com that is eventluv.com and we'd love to see you there. Today on the show, I have Annie Spano. She is a former math teacher and corporate marketer. She also holds an MBA in education. She is the founder of Style Collective, which is an online supportive community with influencer education that empowers women to find their purpose, be inclusive, and achieve great success. Style Collective was created in reaction to an experience that she had that she really does not ever want any other woman to have. In 2015, she left her corporate marketing job after being bullied and harassed by another woman in the workplace. This experience left her feeling defeated and completely emotionally drained. She wished there was a way for women to work together and truly help each other achieve success. And since then, that's been her mission. Empower, support, improve their happiness, and to help them achieve their goals through sisterhood and support of a shared passion. And this is where the Style Collective was realized. You guys, this is such a beautiful conversation. You know that I am all about sisterhood and, of course, about all of you reaching your dreams and figuring out your purpose. So let's get started. Annie, I'm so grateful that you came on the show. Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here today.

Oh, my gosh. So, okay, so I treat pretty much every podcast like I'm sitting down and just wanting to have coffee and meeting you for the first time, which, this is what we're doing. So I want to know everything about you, and I would love to start with how you grew up. Just what was your life like?

Yeah. So I grew up in upstate New York, like an hour north of New York City. It was just me, my mom, my dad, and my younger sister. I lived a fairly normal life. Middle class America, living the dream, going to school, doing the best that I could do, achieving my goals. And then midway through high school, my mom was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of cancer. It was actually a small cell carcinoma, which is typically a form of lung cancer, but had metastasized into the vulva region in a gland called the barcelon gland. So she was one of 300 people in the world to ever have that type of cancer in that gland. And at the age of 15, this was, you know, was incredibly heartbreaking and it completely shook my world because nobody else at that age was going through that. I felt so isolated and alone in that journey. So I dealt with it the best that I could. Being 15, 16, 17 years old, wanting to go out with my friends, learn how to drive, party, have a boyfriend, like, have a social life and get ready to go to school and go to college and apply to my dream schools and get started with my life and my career. But during all of this, something so negative and dark was just hanging over me. And I was telling you before we hopped onto this podcast that this was my very first experience with taking negatives that have happened in my life and reframing them and using them as motivation so that I didn't give up and I didn't feel defeated and felt like my life was just happening to me and I had to be a victim. And I was completely out of control and had no idea where I was going from there on out. So after my mom had passed away, I kind of took a step back and I was like, well, what do I want to do with my life now? I'm heading into my senior year of high school, and I can either let this completely consume me, I can give up on my dreams, my goals, my aspirations, go into college. I can just wallow in this and become extremely depressed and cry all the time and just do nothing with my life. That was one option that I saw. I could just let it become me. This situation that was out of my control could become me and define me, and I could just give up hope.

Had you seen people around you doing that or how did you, like, what did you hit a wall with it? Were you in, you know, were you in mourning for so long that it was just, you know, like, like at what point did these thoughts start coming in? Because for a teenager it's kind of like, oh my gosh, that's so incredibly heavy. A lot of times we don't. If our parents didn't teach us some of these coping tools of how to either, you know, compartmentalize or move through it or whatever that looks like, like, how did you start to look at or how did you start to do what you're doing right now? Look at it like, these are my options. Where did that come from?

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Was the one that held the family together. She was the glue and she was my best friend. I learned everything about life from her and my dad. While I love him, we didn't have that same typ bond and that same type of relationship. So after my mom had passed away, it was me and my sister and my mom. We were like the three amigos. And once that missing piece was gone, I just felt like, all right, I have to do this thing called life by myself now. Because my dad was never really the parent. He was the provider, he was the disciplinarian. He was very much the traditional father figure. And after my mom was gone, I didn't really have a relationship with him. I was like, well, I have to figure this out on my own. I just felt like that was it. It was me by myself. Me, myself and I. I had looked at it like those two different perspectives. Am I going to go down this rabbit hole and never come out of this? Or am I going to just continue on with my life and do things that would make my mom proud? The things that I told her I wanted to do with my life and am I going to go and do them now? In memory of her knowing, you know, thinking that she's with me, she's looking down upon me, she, me, all the time, every step of my journey. She's cheering for me, rooting for me, wants me to be my best version of myself. She would always tell me that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I could do whatever I wanted to do. Really, the only thing stopping myself was me. And that as long as I tried my best, that's all that mattered. You didn't have to be the smartest, the prettiest, like the fastest, the best athlete. Like as long as you tried your best and you were happy, that's what mattered. The effort is what counted. So I kind of took those lessons I had learned from her when she was still alive. And I just kept moving forward with them because I just didn't know what else to do. Right. I didn't know what else to do. Like what am I going to do? Am I going to stop my life? Or am I just going to keep moving forward and do things that I know she would be like cheering and clapping and jumping up and down about if she was still here with me. So, you know, fast forward through college. I went to a school in upstate New York, got my bachelor's in mathematics education. I was a math teacher for two years after college. And then the recession hit. In end of 2009, I got let go from my job and my husband also got let go from his job. So we spent.

I know.

So we spent our first year of marriage unemployed. My mother in law's spare bedroom upstairs.

Super fun. Yes.

And so it's like one of those things that sometimes we're tested not just to discover our weaknesses, but discover our strengths. So during that year of both of us being unemployed, newly married, it's supposed to be the best year of your life as a newlywed. And we're like, we're struggling. There's no jobs. And so we ended up early relocating up to New Hampshire where we ended up living for seven years. And I'd started my corporate career.

Just real quick, I got to know about this year because we went through something similar. My husband lost his job, same exact time. I just need to know, like, what were those conversations? Did you still dream? What did you tap into? What did you attach into? Like that's a, like when you go back to those days, like days are long when you're not working. Like, what did you.

They are very long.

What did you do all day long together? And how did you build a dream from that place?

So we were young, we were 24 years old when it had happened. And I think we were still pretty naive at that point to think that it was temporary. We just needed to get through it and we needed to plan our dream life and our future and take the steps necessary to get to where we wanted to go. So never letting us hold us back again, not letting some external situation make us feel like it was controlling us and like we do anything about it, like we were helpless. We did everything that we could possibly do to make our dreams happen. So I had started applying for jobs. I would go up to New Hampshire and go on interviews. My husband got recruited at a startup from one of his professors he went to school with at Northeastern was starting a company. So he started going up there and helping him with that and getting involved in the startup world. So we just did everything possible, whether it was getting paid Nothing, getting paid $15 an hour. I took a huge pay cut, which I know sounds crazy, going from a teaching job to a corporate setting, but I ended up in like an entry level corporate, corporate job, corporate role. So I took a huge pay cut from my teacher's salary and just did whatever it took because I knew that it would get me to where I wanted to go. It would get both of us to where we wanted to go.

That right there. I just want to point out to everybody listening that that is the only mindset that's going to get you from a really low place to the next place. And I love that you, you know, everything that you just said, that is a total mindset and reframe of you're not helpless. Like, you kept saying that and that's what you have to say. Like, I remember saying the same thing to myself, which is why I just, like, I'm so interested in the story of, of like we're not helpless. Like there is more to be done that we are not doing. So what is it? Like this is what everybody talks about is these moments that, you know, do you side decide if you're a victim or do you decide if it's not going to define you and you're going to do everything that you can. So I love that. Okay, so you guys both found jobs. Obviously one was a pay cut, your husband found a job, and then what?

Yeah, and like, so going back to what you were saying, like, one of the things that I like to think about is that sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that are ever going to happen to us. And sometimes in the moment, you can't see that because you don't know what's going to happen in the future. So you have to keep your head up, you have to keep fighting and you have to keep going for whatever it is that you want. Because the struggle, once you get through the struggle and you get to the other side, sometimes the best thing is waiting for you on the other side. And there's no way that you could have predicted that that was over there. Yeah. So we had. So we moved up, moved up to New Hampshire, relocated, left our families, which at the time, you know, going to like back then that seemed like a pretty terrible thing to leave families and our whole world behind us and to move six hours away, be in complete isolation. We had no friends up there, we didn't know anyone or where we were even or what was going on up in New Hampshire. So we had to completely start over. And that is actually like one of the best things looking back now, one of the best things that we ever did was move away from our friends and family because we had a clean, fresh start where we actually had time to get to know ourselves. We were as individuals and as a married couple. And during those seven years, there was just a lot of self discovery, like who am I, what do I like? Do I just like these things because that's how I was raised or that's what I was taught to like because of culture and society, like who am I? What do I actually want to do with my life and what do I like doing and how can I help others? And do I actually want to work a corporate job or am I just trying to climb the corporate ladder? Because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. Right? So all of these reflective questions start coming up because we move away. I had gone back to school during that time and I got my mba. And that's really when a lot of that started. A lot of like this personal development, self development kind of lit a fire inside of me. And during that time I realized that I had my dream of climbing the corporate ladder was no longer going to be my dream because I was working in a toxic work environment. And I had been bullied and harassed in the workplace by a female director in my group. And up until that point, I didn't even realize it. I just thought that it was normal, it was part of the cult because I was so young. I was 26.

What forms did that show up in? So you'd go to work every day and what would happen?

I would go to work and she would belittle me in meetings in front of my colleagues, she would yell and scream at me. I would have panic attacks. She would micromanage me because she felt like nothing I was ever doing was good enough or it wasn't done to her liking. One time we were in a meeting and I asked a question about something she wanted me to do, and she looked me straight in the face and said, don't think, just execute. Stop asking questions. Just do what you're told. And so it was an environment that was not conducive to growing personally and professionally. You were just put in a box and you were meant to take orders, and that was all you were supposed to do. So I didn't like that. And she had also treated other women in the workplace the same way, and a lot of them had left. And up until that point, I didn't really understand why. I was like, why is everybody leaving? Understand? But I soon realized, halfway through business school, on one of my co workers, on her last day of work, I was in her cube with her, and I said, I'm starting to think that this place isn't normal. And she just looked at me and started laughing and goes, oh, honey, there is nothing normal about this place. So I started at that point, coming up with my plan, not looking at myself as a victim. Although it was really hard, it was really challenging going through a bullying situation. And it got to the point where I was crying every day before work and I didn't want to go, and I felt completely lost. I was depressed. And it actually happens in the neocortex of your brain. You feel like you're wearing a mask and you're wearing a costume because you have to be somebody that you're not in order to please others in the work environment. If you're being bull so that you stop being pinned as the victim and the scapegoat. So I had to change who I was so that I wasn't being attacked all the time. And when that happens in your brain, you're not aligned with who you actually are, with your values and principles, and you start to get confused. And the chemicals in your brain start to, like, give you these messages, and it's disconnected. And you start to become depressed because you're not actually living authentically, and you're not in alignment with your values and principles and who you are as an individual. So that's what was happening to me. And I was becoming depressed and I was becoming very lost, and I didn't know who I was anymore. So I Knew that I needed to leave, I needed to do something else, but I didn't know what that thing was. And this was the end of the end of 2015, beginning of 2016. And at that time, social media started becoming a thing. Blogging influencers is becoming more popular. And I started a blog as one of my projects that I had started working on. And during that time I got to know other women who were also starting blogs and wanted to get to know them, wanted to feel like I had a community like I had. And I know that you understand how important this is. Having an online business community or like minded people banding together and lifting one another up is so important as an entrepreneur. And I wanted to like have that community of women that made me feel like myself again and that I could have a career and have them with me, have my support team. So that's where the idea for Style Collective had been born. It was a tiny little Facebook group with 60 women. We were all blogging, we were all really good friends, we were sharing tips with one another, we were growing, we were learning. We were each other's support system. And it was just this little magical corner of the Internet that I absolutely loved. So I decided a couple of months later to create a membership around it and learn the social media space. Interview women, get to know everything, create content, create courses. Courses, because my background's in teaching. So I leveraged my skills that I had learned in a professional setting and applied them to this new industry called influencer marketing. So that's how it all came about.

Awesome.

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So I want to ask questions around that, because I know there's so many people who want to be starting something, but they're waiting for waiting. So this was all during. While you still had that job, Is that correct?

Yes, this is all while I was still working full time.

So you were in this totally, you know, toxic environment while you're not feeling good, it's kind of forcing you out of it. And that's one thing. I know that you know that, and I just want to point that out to everyone. It's like, sometimes when things aren't great, like, these things will actually happen to make you wake up and force you out of it and be like, you're not getting this clearly. So I guess I'm gonna to have. Have to make life miserable for you. But something that you did was to completely support yourself around what it is that you wanted to do. Like, probably knowing, I can't do this alone. So how can I create something simultaneously to support me in order to move forward on what I'm doing? So a couple of questions. Just going back to what you said, because I just want to clarify for everybody who's listening to really understand, like, what is something you think people can do? Because I know that you said in order to. For you to feel like you could become who you knew that you were. That time away from your family and the environment that you're in was so critical for you. So first question. Is it possible for people who are not able to move away or not able to kind of, like, get out of the environment that they're in that they believe is holding them back in order to ask those questions, like, figure out who they are and be able to start to figure out what it is that they actually want.

Yeah. So I think the first step is realizing that you need to advocate for yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you. So you have to make a decision. What is more important? Is it me and myself, my happiness, my goals that I want to achieve in life? And if it is, what does your life look like? If you spent a day living your perfect life, your ideal life of how you want to be living, what does that look like? Who is removed from the picture? What activities are you doing less of? What activities are you doing more of? And what are the steps that you can take to work towards that? So if that means waking up half an hour earlier to spend an extra 30 minutes a day working on yourself or checking things off your list or learning or growing or doing something that helps you move towards your goals. Then go to bed half an hour earlier. Don't watch your favorite TV show once a week. Maybe just small changes. Maybe the friends that are asking you to go out on a Thursday night and you're not going to feel so good the next day because you're out late and you're tired or you have drinks, whatever it is that you do. Maybe start saying no to the people that aren't fueling your dreams and your goals and don't understand who you are and where you want to go. Because. Because those people are going to hold you back. And you don't have to completely cut them out. You just have to manage your relationships with them and how much time you are dedicating to them. Because the less time you dedicate to the things that aren't fulfilling you and fueling you and pushing you to where you want to go, the more time you can put towards the things that really drive you.

Okay, so let's dig in there because I just like, let's be really honest. I know that to be where you're at, the journey has been challenging. So, yes, amen to all of that. I firmly, that's the exact advice I would give. But then I also want to really dig into, like, what happens when you start doing that and the people are like, oh, are you too good for us? Oh, you can't come hang with us. Okay. So they kind of like end up pushing you out or you, you know, they start talking bad about you or whatever that looks like. Or there's also people who are sitting right now listening, going, yeah, but they don't get it. It's, you know, it's. It's hard for me. Or these are the people that I know. What do you say to that?

I think it comes down to the first thing I said. You have to advocate for yourself who is more important. It's. It's you. It's your life. You have one life to live. And this is a lesson that I learned so early on with my mom. She died at the age of 45. And for me, that's only 10 years away.

Yeah.

Which is a little scary to think about. So you have one life. You have to make yourself happy. You have to do what it is that you want to do because you are looking out for yourself. Everybody else is looking out for themselves, and so they're not looking out for you. They don't have your best interests in mind, the way that you do for yourself. So yes, I can tell you from doing this for years now, being an entrepreneur, going out on my own. People think I'm weird. I don't have the same friend group that I had 10 years ago. Even some of my family members, I'm not as close to them as I used to be. And most of them don't even understand what it is that I do, which is completely fine because they can live their lives and they can do what makes them happy and I can live my life and I can do what makes me happy. Because at the end of the day, I have to go to bed with that. I have to go to sleep at night knowing that I put in my best effort to fulfill my dreams, which is helping other people, using my personal mission statement to inspire others to take action in their lives so that they can become who they're meant to be. Right? Just like you. You do the same thing. And if I'm not able to fulfill that passion that is just burning deep inside of me, I can't go to sleep at night. I just can't. And so you have to decide if that passion inside of you is more important than what other people think of you or the friends that you have in your life right now. What do you care more about? And it's a balance. It's definitely a balance. And you have to learn how to say yes to yourself more often. And that's really what it comes down to is self love, self compassion, empowering yourself, advocating for yourself, putting yourself before others. Which I know as a woman can definitely be really hard, but it's a habit that you have to start to form.

Have you had anyone say anything like really painful around that? When you started doing that? Whether it's like you're, you know, prioritizing the wrong thing or you're selfish or you're self centered or anything around, like when you've really had to prioritize yourself.

I definitely do get judged because like, people have told me, like, oh, you're a hustler. Which I take it as a compliment, like, okay, I think that's awesome because I am a hustler. So thank you. But my husband and I, we've been married for, we just celebrated 10 years of marriage.

Congratulations.

Thank you. And we've been together for 13, and we decided a couple years ago that we did not want to have children. And we, we just want like being married. We like having our careers and helping others in our own unique way and that we don't want to use our gifts and talents to raise a family. We want to use them in other ways that give back to the world and help people. And so there have definitely been people in our family and even friends that are like, you don't want to have kids? Like, why not? Why don't you want to have kids? And even though nobody is judging me or saying things directly to my face, I do pick up on the body language or sometimes there are kind of passive aggressive comments that are made, but it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, it's their life and they can do what they want to do. If they want to have kids, or they want to go on vacation all the time, or they don't want to work, or they do want to work, whatever, it doesn't matter. They're doing what makes them happy. And all I can do is worry about myself and what makes me happy and the people that I'm serving and I'm helping in my business, that's all I can worry about.

You know, I think that's so vital for people to know and to hear is you. You don't have all the. You don't have all the caring in the world to give to everyone. Like, it's so limited, to be honest. It's like you, your family, and a few other people, and that's about it. And it's like so many people get caught up in caring about everything or everyone or everyone's opinions.

You.

You can't even move forward with that. It's like you're so drained by like 9am that you're like, I can't do anything new because I'm so stuck, like you said, with what everybody's doing. So I want to go back to. Well, actually, since we're on. On this topic, I would love to know, because I think for so many people, we're in resistance of taking big action into our dreams because we go and we feed the fear of, you know, what are people gonna think of us? What's the judgment gonna be? How are people gonna. Especially now with a lot of online bullying and criticism of even, you know, great people. It's like, I think people paint and feed that fear so much that it stops us from ever starting. So something that I'm, like, obsessed with talking about and just looking at in my life right now is worst case scenario, like, actually letting it be okay and accepting, you know, that I could lose my businesses, people could do something horrible online, and it could be Some big thing and, like, just being accepting of everything that comes. So first question on this is, what's the, like, what's the most traumatic, worst thing that's happened through business that just felt like it was gonna take you down, even though you knew it wouldn't, but it just felt awful.

Okay, so probably the worst thing that has ever happened. So I like to do a lot of in person things whenever I can. And New York Fashion Week has been like my place where I have in person events. February and September. And so about two Septembers ago or three Septembers ago, I can't remember, I had an event and it was a. It was basically like a big party that was like drinks and food and hair and makeup and nails and networking and dancing and music. And it was just meant to be, like a really good time. And it was my first time putting on an event to that scale. It was about 150 people. And it was up in New York. And at the time, my husband and I were in between homes because we were moving to Bali. And so we actually were living in hotel rooms while I was planning this event. And when I finally got up there and the event was happening, it was just me and I was running around and it was me. And like the event manager, she's like trying to help me with everything, but. But it was kind of one of those things where, like, I went into it with the best intentions, where I just wanted to bring people together and have a good time, create memories. And there's a photographer there and we had like all this great pictures of everyone together. But there were like, things that had happened that I hadn't foreseen. Like, I left the swag bags on a table and just thought, people will come in and take one. Well, people came in and they grabbed like 10 at once and they just like took all the swag bags. So by the time people got to the event, like halfway through the night, there was no gift bags left or. Because it was in. It was at this restaurant on Park Avenue and they had blocked off, like our side of the restaurant for us to have the event. But even though I had security and we had like a barrier put up, people that were on the restaurant side like, snuck over and they were like taking our drinks from the bar. They were like drinking our wine and our drinks. And so we ran out of alcohol like an hour before the party ended. So it was just like little things like that. And I didn't really know about it because I was trying to network and I was trying to have a good time and do as much as I could to, like, make sure that everything was going all right. And I just didn't know that these things, you know, those two specific things had happened. So after the event was over, I sent out a survey just asking people for their feedback, because I like to, you know, hear what people thought so I can learn and improve and grow and take that constructive criticism and work with it for the future. And I started getting these responses back, and it was. People were reading it, like, 0 out of 10 and 1 out of 10 and writing all these mean and terrible and super hurtful comments about it. And then also, like, you know, I've seen myself being bashed in Facebook groups by other women, which is just so crazy, because the whole premise behind my business is women empowering women. And then I see myself getting bashed in Facebook groups. So, yes, it's terrible. So I was getting bashed in these survey responses, and I just had a moment of panic where my heart was in my stomach, and I felt like I wanted to die. Like, this was the end. It's so terrible, because I wanted people to have a good time. And then the feedback from the some people was that it was horrible. It was a waste of money. It was a waste of time. It was like, it, like, wants to stop.

You. Like, you want to stop. You're like, this is not worth it, because people have no idea how hard it is. And then you feel that it, like, makes you want to throw in the towel and start being mean like everyone else.

Yeah. It just made me so sick to my stomach because people thought that I was trying to take advantage of them and scam them.

Oh, that's the worst.

Like, are you kidding? Like, not the point of this. So what I did is. Okay, so these things that happen in the moment, they seem like the worst things in the world, and it truly is when you're in it and you're living it, and it feels like a nightmare. So I took a couple hours away from it, and I just sat with it and I thought about it before I did anything because I didn't want to make any rash emotional decisions while I was in this heightened emotional state. I talked with my husband about it and some close friends and got some feedback. I talked with some team members about what I should do, and I just got unbiased feedback and processed it along with my own thoughts and opinions. What I ended up doing the next day was I emailed every single person, and I told them that I wanted to schedule a phone call with them to personally apologize for the mishaps that had happened at the party and that it was completely unintentional and that I felt, you know, really felt horrible that they had such a bad time or that this thing had happened to them. They had specifically called me out on in the survey. So I took ownership. I wanted to take ownership, but I also wanted them to talk to me on the phone because it's so easy to be a keyboard warrior and say the and nastiest things you could possibly think of and just submit it through some anonymous survey and not know that there is a person on the other end of that reading it and feeling like they're going to throw up because they're so sick to their stomach. And so I just wanted them to know, like, there was a person on the other end of this that read what you wrote. And I wanted to not confront them, but I wanted them to talk to me and hear me as a person and hear me apologize and being genuine and concerned and wanting to help and then offer a full refund. I offered a full refund. It was about, like, 20 people out of 150 that had been super upset, but I just felt like, for my integrity, that it was really important to schedule those phone calls and talk to those people, one, to get them to calm down and to get them to know that. That I'm a genuine person who really cares. And it's just something that was out of my control that had happened. And so I think after all of that was over, it was kind of like I built up this mountain in my head of like, oh, my God, this is the end. There's going to be all this negativity all over the Internet, like, I'm going to have this terrible reputation now. And it just was like this little blip. Looking back, you know, two, three years later, it's just like, it's a blip. Like, it's. That's what entrepreneurship is. You have these, like, these highs and these lows. And, you know, when you look at it overall over, like, the years of being an entrepreneur, it's all, you know, kind of steady middle ground. But there are, like, those extreme highs and lows that you do experience throughout entrepreneurship.

I love hearing about that just because it's so important. You will have those moments for sure. And it's like you never see them coming. And I think that's what stops people. But looking back. So now I know that you have somebody manning your swag bag table. Like, these are the things you don't know until you know, like literally you can't learn. I have so many things like that where I'm like, okay, well that just taught me X, Y and Z. Or that just taught me to have a much better refund policy and the contract be a lot more clear failure or whatever that looks like, you know. So those are vital moments that you wouldn't wish upon anyone. But man, you learn lessons that are locked in forever. So I'm so glad that you shared that.

What? That's all that failures are. It's a learning experience and sometimes it will cost you money, sometimes it will cost you a little bit of your reputation because some people don't like you for something that happened. But it is an incredible learning experience and it helps you grow and develop and just be, I guess, more aware and also more compassionate of others in the online space. Like, I know that it's definitely changed my outlook and people that have online businesses, like, I think it's crazy the things that I've learned and I can only imagine what others have learned through their journey as well.

I think of that all the time when someone's really forward facing and people are either like, oh, they have all these people and like, oh man. And they have a lot on the back end. I can only imagine what's going on. So sending you lots of love to stay strong, sister. Like, you deserve all the good because you need it for all of the other stuff that comes with it. So. And that's been really powerful, powerful for me to like really appreciate like you said, and just have a lot more respect for a lot of people that I see out there in the world trying to do good, you know, because no matter how much you try to do the right thing, there's always gonna be someone who just thinks you're doing, doing the wrong thing. And that has to be okay with you. Like you have to go in knowing that. And so for you, what's the mindset that you hold like when, when you move forward, when you get trapped, Maybe you get trapped for a couple days in a decision that's really scary or something that you're afraid of. Like, is there anything right now that you're fearful around that's kind of stopping you or has a small pause in your life or business?

I think at this point right now I'm pretty comfortable in the decisions that I make and they're not as scary as it used to be. Like to me at the end of 2016, leaving my corporate job, leaving a full time stable career, knowing What I was, you know, what to expect every single day. Like, I was comfortable, like I was in mediocrity. And I knew that some days would be good and some days I would get bullied and yelled and screamed at and locked in a glass office and told everything that was wrong with me for an hour. I was okay with it because I knew to expect it. But the mediocrity was holding me back. And the scariest thing I was sick over it was putting in my notice and giving up up my paycheck every two weeks that had grown to love because it was stable, I could expect it. And I am a person who is. I'm not a risk taker at all. And to make that leap and be completely fearless and have faith in myself and my ability and to just try to figure it out and make it work and to also, like you had said earlier, like, look at at my wrists and be like, okay, what is the worst possible thing that could happen? And maybe six months from now I have a bunch of experience that I've gained from trying to go out on my own and I can just go back into the corporate world and find a different job someplace else. That was really the worst possible scenario that would happen if I left my job and yeah, maybe I'd burn through my savings and then I'd have to start from ground zero again. Making that leap for the very first time was the absolute scariest thing I've ever done. But it was most rewarding and it showed me that if I took those calculated risks and I had a support team and I had other people who believed in what I was doing and like, gave me the confidence to move forward when I didn't even feel confident in myself to do something for myself and for others. Like, that showed me that any decision that I want to make in the future, no matter how gut wrenching it feels or scary, you're putting yourself out there, you're vulnerable. There are people out there that need what you have to give them. They need it. And you are doing yourself a disservice by keeping it to yourself, keeping it in your head and not sharing it with others. Because there you will find your tribe. Like, you can have a small tribe, you can have a huge tribe, it doesn't matter. But if you have your group of people that believe in what you're doing and will support you and will pay for your services or buy your product, that's all that you need. Because once you do it the very first time, it becomes second nature and it doesn't even become a decision of when, of like when you're going to do it. It's just you're going to do it in the future, these new things that you want to do, do.

So, okay, so here I am, I'm like ready to do something because, you know, maybe I'm at a job that I don't love or I have this vision of what I'm supposed to do, but I have nobody around me. Like, I don't really know who these people are yet. Besides people online. How do I start building a support system? Like, what does that tangibly break down to look like on the day to day to start? Like, okay, I don't have support, I need support. What does that look like?

Having support can come in the form of a spouse, a family member, a mentor. For me during that time, my leadership professor from my MBA program, she knows absolutely nothing about the digital space, but she was my mentor and helped me on like that professional and like a personal level with taking that leap. So it doesn't necessarily have to be people within the business world or even know what you want to do. It can be friends that are there for moral support, it can be family members. But in terms of actually creating a business because you want it to be successful, you have to definitely make sure that there's interest. With Style Collective, I had started the Facebook group. I had 60 women that were in the group and I told them my idea of what I wanted to do and they were so excited about it. And so I had buy in and I had support and I was doing something that I had already been wanting to do and I had been testing it. And so it was like, yeah, I took this big leap where I went from my corporate job to starting a business. But it wasn't a blind leap. It was calculated. I had tested the idea, I had run it by people, my potential clients or customers. I also did a lot of research about the industry that I was getting into and if there was would be a potential for fit, you can even put like a fake button on your website to see how many people click it to buy it. And then it can just lead to a page that says out of stock, come back soon. And you can collect people's email addresses. So there's ways that you can test things before you actually invest your time, money and energy into doing it to see if it would actually work. So I mean, that's what I would suggest doing. I spent probably a year and a half thinking about the idea, testing it, finding people to connect and network with before I actually opened it up as a business. So definitely take your time, get to know others, form those one on one relationships and talk to people and find out what they need. The idea for Style Collective, I could have never thought of this on my own. There's no way you could have locked me in a room and been like, okay, well come back in 30 days and give us your business. Business plan, it's not how it works. Talk to people and you find out what their needs are and you help them by solving their problems. And that's how you start a successful business. I mean, that's how I started my business.

Well, I love that you talk about, you know, you say these were people already in your life, you know, your mentors, and you shared the idea. Like, you can't, you can't get help or get the support that you need without sharing the idea. I'm sure that when you met all these people, you didn't keep the idea to yourself. I'm sure you were like, here's what I'm thinking, here's what I want to be doing. Like, how many times did you say what you wanted to do to probably a ton of people and you spoke it into life.

Yeah, exactly. And nobody's going to steal your idea either. Most people will listen to it and say, oh, that's a great idea, but they won't take action on it.

So I. And if they steal it, more power to them. I mean, like, seriously, it wasn't just your idea. Like, like it was the universe's idea. Like, just don't share the name of your idea, but you can share your idea. So how do you, how does that work for you? Because I know that you are all about collaboration with women. Like, how have you been tested in the way. By way of like feeling really abundant, like needing to really understand what abundance means. Because I think a lot of people are afraid to either collect, collaborate, or to give other women all the credit or whatever that looks like. Like, how do you truly, like, operate under this idea of abundance? Even when people do kind of take advantage of, you know, the fact that maybe, because I'm sure, I think anyone who operates under abundance has been taken advantage of as far as, like, you know, maybe people using you for your audience or whatever that, whatever form it comes in, how do you operate under abundance and stay there even when things happen?

Yeah. So with my business, I really try to focus on the intrinsic motivations of like, why I do it and why I continue to do it. And where my passion lies with helping others. And like, looking at my life story and how I reframed it to find my passion and purpose for leading others and making an impact in the world. So, you know, in terms of abundance, that can mean so many things. Are you abundant in how your heart is fulfilled and how it feels extremely full every single day because you get such powerful messages from the people that you've helped or they leave you amazing comments or send you messages or send you emails of how you've changed their life. So, like, are you abundant on an emotional and spiritual level or is it more on, like a financial side? Like, do you also do it because you love the financial financial freedom that comes along with it? And so it's always a balance between the intrinsic and the extrinsic motivations when it comes to having your business online and staying motivated in it. So I don't know if that answered your question. That's what I try to focus on in terms of abundance with my business. Like the balance of the two.

I think I kind of understand what you're saying in terms of. Because I. Okay, let me see. Here's kind of what I do when you're talking about abundance in terms of like our you fulfilled and why are you doing it. So I try to look at when I'm collaborating with people, like, if I get freaked out or if I feel like I'm, you know, I don't know, like someone might take this idea or whatever it is. It's like, okay, so what do you want to do? Be alone. Because you're only happy when you're connecting with people and really sharing whatever it is. So if you're not attached to getting all of the credit, then why, you know, then of course you're going to go and do whatever it is that's making you happy. And is that what it is or am I not touching on it at all?

Like, for me personally, yeah, I think one of the things that really helped me in school was this personality test called the Myers Briggs. And so I learned through that what my personality type is. And so I really tried to focus on where I am naturally as a person and those strengths that I have. So I'm enfj. And so I get really amped up and energized by being around other people. So I use that to, like, push me into, you know, different directions with my business. Like being in touch with other people, collaborating with others. Like, for me, that's just like a very natural thing to do because that's what makes me feel really energized and fulfilled. Whereas if you're an introvert, you get energized by having that alone time and recharging by yourself. So I can understand how, how maybe it would be a little bit more of an effort or feel a little bit more uncomfortable to collaborate with others if you tend to operate in this space where you like being alone and that's where you get energized. I think that everyone is different in how they want to collaborate with others or work by themselves. And I don't necessarily think that either one is better. It's more about who you are as a person and what makes you feel good and what makes you happy.

I love that you brought that in just for people who are like, oh, maybe I don't feel like collaborating and here's why. Yeah, there's so I love that test. I think it's such a cool way to learn more about yourself. And self awareness in business and in life is like the self awareness is like the key that will unlock everything. Like, why am I reacting this way? What am I really afraid of? What do I need to implement? So I want to know about, you know, coming up on our last question here. I really want to know about the importance of just boundaries and needing to. Or having to set them. Like when you have something that you know, like tough conversations, maybe with employees or people that you love in your life, like, what does it look like to you to realize that abounding boundary needs to be set? How do you realize it? And then how do you have tough conversations?

Yeah, so setting boundaries. I think that, like what you said about being self aware, knowing who you are, like your personality traits, even like your upbringing of like how you were raised and how you react to certain things, unlearning habits, like bad habits or negative behavioral actions that you have, just being more aware of who you are and getting feedback from others when you react to a certain situation. I think that just doing a lot of personal development, maybe getting a counselor or reading a lot of books, or taking these personality tests, talking to others, doing 360 reviews, are incredibly helpful within the workplace because you get to learn how others perceive you. And sometimes you get feedback where you're like, oh my God, I didn't even know that I did that or that people perceived me in that way. And so if it's something that you don't really want that to be like your personal brand of who you are, you can work to change it and work to change those habits and Those ways that you react or talk to people. So I think with boundaries, it's kind of the same thing. Like. Like knowing when you've. Like, for me, for boundaries, like, I'm pretty disciplined, and I'm a hard worker, and I take a lot of pride in that, that I can get a lot done. But when I start to feel burned out or I start to feel like I need to take some time away from the computer, or like I've put too much on my to do list and too much on my plate, and I'm kind of, like, too much of an overachiever, and I put too many things that I wanted to set out to do. Like, I start to feel burned out and uninspired, and I start to lose my passion and my drive for my business and what I'm doing. And so that boundary to me is like, okay, I need to take a step back, and I need to not just be wearing my business hat. I need to be wearing my woman hat. Like, who am. Because for me as a person, I love being a woman. I love being a wife. I like entertaining and cooking and working out and getting my hair done, doing all the girly things and. And that's just me as a person. So when I feel myself getting lost and knowing that I have this feminine side to myself that I really want to embrace, even as being a business owner, and I feel that side getting lost, I have to pump the brakes and say, this is my boundary. Life is long, hopefully, and it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. So I need to take some time back and I need to work on myself and do things that fuel me and make me feel good. And then when it comes to difficult conversations with others, I would say probably my. Like, I don't really have any. Too many team members. I have some contractors that I work with that help me with things. But I would probably say my closest relationship is with my husband. And for me, it has just been, you know, again, with the Myers Briggs, like, understanding who he is, like, his personality traits, how he was raised, his experiences that are totally different from his parents and what it was like, how he was raised, how he grew up, and the things that affect him are different than the things that affect me. He will never understand what it's like to lose a parent at the age of 70. But then there's experiences that he has gone through, through that I'll never understand because I haven't been there. So learning to have compassion and empathy for other people and understanding that we all have different journeys, different histories, different motivations, different goals in life and just not judging others, but just having more compassion and empathy for other people. It helps you overcome like those difficult boundaries, like having difficult conversations so that you're not attacking one another. You're being open minded and you're understanding why someone feels the way that they do or why they said something that they said. Because it's not really about you, it's about them and how they're feeling or a past experience that has kind of made them say something like that. So I think with boundaries, it's about being self aware, but also being compassionate and having empathy for other people and it's this balance between the two.

So well said. Annie, I just want to thank you for coming on and being so open and vulnerable and literally like taking every question. So curious and just, I'm really, really grateful for your perspective and for this beautiful conversation. And I would love for people to be able to find you and follow you where you you at.

Thank you so much.

Yeah.

So if you want to come check out Style Collective, it's stylecollective on Instagram or the website is stylecollective Us. If you want to come say hi to me on Instagram, you can send me a dm. I love meeting new people. So I'm Annie Underscore Spano. Or you can go to my website, Annie spano.com.

Amazing. And you also just reminded me that you reminded me of Saved by the Bell with Jessie Spano.

Yes, I have relation.

No relation, obviously. No relation to the character on Saved by the Bell to the made up character. Okay. Jesse Spano's her real name, right? No, no, that's her fake name. Yep. Okay, I'm glad that we're clear. So you learn every. You're gonna just learn all sorts of information you don't need on this podcast. Okay. So I, I always ask one last question on the podcast. Are you ready?

Mm.

Okay. So you are in an elevator with someone. They're a total stranger.

You're.

You're in an elevator or you're in passing. But it's really brief. It's like 30 seconds. And this complete stranger looks over at you and asks, how do I make myself happy? What do you say?

Oh, man, I was not expecting this question. Well, I think that first of all, I would be taken aback because even though I'm an extrovert and I love being around people, it doesn't necessarily mean that I, I'm super outgoing and I don't talk to people when I'm out and about and I don't talk to. Yeah, I'm just better with friends that I know type of thing. So if somebody said that to me out of the blue, I would probably pause and not know what to say.

Just, like, right now, you can take your time.

Yeah, that would be my gut reaction. Just because I wouldn't expect that from somebody to ask me that. But if somebody said, you know, how can I be happy? I think my first question, I think I would just ask a question because that's what I'm good at. I'm good at asking questions and guiding people to the answer based on what they tell me. So then I would say, well, what's not making you happy? And then I would listen to their answer. And then this actually happened with a friend recently, like two weeks ago, and she explained to me her answer and I gave her some feedback, saying, like, you have to do what makes you happy and not what other people want you to do. You have to live your life in accordance to your own values and principles and your personal mission statement, not what other people believe you should be doing with your life. So I think that the advice would probably be specific to whatever the situation is that they're going through. But my first I would ask them, like, what's not making you happy? And then try to help them navigate through that situation.

Well, I think that's a pretty good answer is to question what's not making you happy? Because that's the first thing. Right? It goes back to everything that you just said. Self awareness. So, Annie, I'm so grateful for you. Thank you so much for this. And you guys, if you loved this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it with a friend. Text it right now if you know that somebody is in a situation, situation where they could really use this advice. You never actually know what you are doing for someone when you send them something that they may not have had access to in the first place. So you guys go and leave a review, text this to a friend. Thank you so much. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think. Tell us what you want to hear more of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye Bye.