457: Mastering and manifesting relationships - romantic and platonic with Stefanos Sifandos

Hi, everyone. I'm so happy you've tuned into the show. Whether you have listened before or you're brand new, I'm so grateful for you. You have no idea. And this episode is brought to you by my Become Aligned course. And podcasts are amazing. And I know that you know that because you guys all listen to them, and I do, too. And sometimes they are not necessarily enough because while we're listening, sometimes we're passively listening and we're not actively listening. So the reason that Chris and I. Chris is my husband. The reason we've created this course is because we get asked so many questions outside of the podcast on how we started living the life that we live now. A life of happiness, of abundance, of really understanding that life is always full of problems every single day, but there's always a solution. And how do we shift back into a mindset that's going to keep us happy, keep us together, keep us successful, and keep us in thriving relationships? And that is what our, our Become Aligned course is about. You guys, we cover everything from mindset to the rituals that we do every single day. We talk about different energy sources that's really gonna provide you with lasting energy. We talk about your purpose and what that actually means, what it is and how it's ever changing. We're gonna tap into your beliefs, we're gonna show you how to build a tribe to support where you're going. And we're definitely going to talk about wealth, abundance, money, all of the good things, and how to sustain all of this. Because while, like I said, POD are absolutely awesome, you don't necessarily sit down and actually write out a plan for yourself. Because as much as I can sit here and tell you on the podcast, what we do and how much, how many different people that I can interview, it's important that you actually learn how to apply these things in your own life. So if you've been listening for a while and you are ready to go deeper and you really want to get some direct training and be able to dive into your life and yourself and your mindset, this is the course for you. I don't know about you, but I absolutely have points in my life where I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I hit walls where I don't necessarily feel happy anymore, and I haven't sat with myself long enough. I haven't really let myself think. I haven't written out how I actually feel. And so many people who took this course said that it was completely life changing and they revealed a lot of things about themselves, about them, about their. About their relationships that they weren't really looking at or they were avoiding. And it's about having those tough conversations, not only with other people, but really with yourself and knowing that you have the tools and the access to the tools. And we're going to teach you all of the tools that you need not only to move through things, but to actually thrive on the other side. So, you guys, I would love for you to join the aligned community. It's such a special group of human beings and you get lifetime time access. This is nine different modules where you're going to be working through each area of your life at your own pace. So you might need something on abundance, you might need more on, you know, money, you might need more on your purpose on your tribe. This is where you can really go deep on exactly what you need and make sure that you're not missing any of your blind spots. If you are feeling stuck or if you are wondering how everyone is doing it and how they're managing it all. This is a truly honest course about how to have a thriving life and manage and deal with all of the different problems that do come up in your life and understand that not everyone is going to support you and not everyone is for you and you are not for everyone. And that's okay. It's finding your people. It's forgiving yourself. It's creating a life of abundance and choosing your own purpose and your happiness. So, you guys, you can go to becomealigned.com that's becomealigned.com and you guys know that because you're listeners, I'm gonna give you an awesome deal and an awesome discount and I cannot wait to see you in that community. And also let me know if you join because it is such an awesome, awesome community. And also I'm really proud of this course. Chris and I poured our heart and our soul into this. Everything that we've done, everything that we've learned, we've invested so much into ourself that this is everything that we have applied in our lives. And if you want to know how we've done it, we put it all on the table. We've put it all in this course. So if you want to know, go check it out@becealigned.com so let's get into the show.

If you meet the fear and meet the resistance, you increase your chances of making it something that can aid you and help you along your journey. As Opposed to something that keeps restricting you and pulling you back and down into old patterns that don't serve you and don't serve what's important to you or others.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the podcast. I am so blessed today to get to sit down with this human being. Not only do I take every chance that I can to learn from him, but he is one of my closest friends new husband. So I have Stefano Stefan Dos on the show today. He's a relational alchemist, international speaker and author who facilitates transformational growth through neuro empowerment practices and integration of spiritual practices and Western psychology to improve, evolve and enhance the quality of your relationship. By integrating the best of Eastern and Western methodologies and philosophies and using integrative techniques, methods, Stephanos has created programs and systems to enhance the quality of your life, your relationships, and in essence, bring you closer to your potential. You guys, any time, like I said that I get to sit down and listen to Steph speak. I do. Because if you are a human being and you are, you are in relationship with people in your life. And I know that when you can really start to not only understand the relationship with yourself, but with others, that is when you can start leading a truly fulfilled, successful life. It's the key to everything. Business, life, love, all of the good things. So let's get started. Steph, I'm so excited to have you on the podcast finally. Thank you so much for coming on.

Yes, thank you for having me, Laurie. Likewise. Very excited.

Okay, so this is really, really awesome because I feel like I've known you forever, but I've really only known you like a little over a year. And how I got to meet you is through one of my greatest friends, Christine Hassler, who came to Greece with us last year as a single lady and left with you on her arm.

Yeah, that's actually a really good way to put it.

So not totally how the story went down. I know you guys had been talking before that, but this is by way of how I got to meet you and got to know of you. On my end it sounded like this. She's like, you know, I've been talking with this, with this guy, he's really amazing. And I like, I'm going to meet him while we are in Greece on our trip. And we were kind of laughing like, well, this is amazing. And it's going to go one of two ways. Like, you're either going to have this amazing trip or it's going to be really awkward to be like, okay, you gots to go.

And I was wondering who would have that conversation with me? Who am I going to have to speak to? Is Christine going to have it? Are they all going to gang up on me? What's going to happen here?

You know, she just like, are we gonna come to dinner and she doesn't show up or are we gonna have an intervention? Like, but we'll give you lots of food, so it doesn't seem as bad. Okay, so let's just like you have this area that you absolutely love talking about. It just so happens to do with this relationship that you're in. So tell me a little bit about what you're doing now and how you really started to fall in love with the dynamics of relationships.

Yeah, I started to fall in love with the dynamics of relationships because honestly, Laurie, I fucking sucked at them. I was terrible. I was horrible. I. I just. I wasn't. It's not about right and wrong. I just wasn't getting it right though. I wasn't in alignment with myself. I was living in fear. I wasn't in integrity. I wasn't behaving in accordance with what I was saying. So I would talk a big game. This was very difficult for me to speak to at the beginning when I was really fresh into the wounding of all this. And now I feel so called that I need to speak to this because there's so many, both men and women, suffering in relationship because they're not able to speak their truth from a place of non malice. And that was me. And what happened was it became malicious and it became problematic and it became painful for others and myself because it kept compounding on itself. I kept wearing different masks, pretending I was being someone in relationship, pretending I was faithful when I wasn't, pretending I was happy, when I wasn't, pretending I didn't have these fears when I really did, pretending I was really, really evolved spiritually. Massive, massive spiritual bypass. When the reality was I was hiding so many childhood traumas and wounding and pain that I was ignoring and suppressing and just hiding in the knapsack of my shadow that I was weari wearing on my back that was just weighing me down. And so I was just full of pretend. And when all that unraveled a number of years ago, that's when I started looking at how can relationships, healthy relationships, firstly beginning with self, because I started looking at everything. I was like a surgeon. I was dissecting every aspect of myself. My mind, my body, my brain, my behaviors, my heart, my emotions, my spirituality, my past, my present, my future, everything. And I started going really deep into that. And I asked, how can I, if I cultivate a healthy relationship with myself? Two questions. One, how does that heal me? And how do I feel free? We all want to feel free. Or some interpretation of freedom? And then how does that heal the planet? I started actually thinking outside of myself and stopped being so selfish because I wasn't so scared anymore because I was dealing with those fears and so I could actually go beyond just myself and stop acting from a place of hyper self absorbed and being a hyper self absorbed person.

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Places that I want to go with this. So literally I have so many questions. So I think that I want to step into the shoes of some of the questions that I get from so many people around just being a couple or calling that person in. So first let's start I think first let's start with that. We get a lot Chris and I get so many questions from people around. How do I attract somebody who is going to be into the same things that I'm into or who's going to support me or how do I attract that partner when I'm somebody who is like very much a go getter and is taking care of herself and you know, wants to make sure that we're really aligned in what we're doing we hear that all the time. And I'm like, gee golly, I don't know.

Well, firstly, I feel my experience with both you and Chris. You have such a beautiful dynamic and you've grown through so much varied experience in your lives together. I just, I love that. And there's a lot, there's a lot to be said for that. And I think I mentioned that for a reason because I have a feeling we'll at some level stage come back to that as a teaching point or as a. As a really interesting point for all of us to reflect on. I think many of us wear masks. Laurie. That hasn't just been my experience. I observe human behavior. I come from a background, psychology, behavioral science, social psychology, philosophy, and the human potential and human performance and the optimization of human performance. So I'm consistently, and have been for 20 plus years, really looking at how we function as human beings. The sad thing was I just couldn't really do it in my life for so much of my life, doing it for others and not for me. And I was way out of integrity. I can laugh about it now, but it wasn't that back then. But so many of us wear masks. So we pretend to like something that we don't. We pretend to be someone that we really are because we think that our dominant or prominent peer group is going to accept that more. And so we don't want to be out of the. This is basic biology to an extent. Basic brain biology. We don't want to be out of social brain biology. We don't want to be out of the in group. So we just keep adhering to these external values and norms that are sort of pushed upon us and keep wearing masks. Some are more subtle than others, some are more pronounced than others. And so the first thing I say is in terms of attraction, magnetism is get really clear. Honestly, vulnerably, honestly, no bullshit. Who are you and what do you really want? Because we often see people attract other people that actually are in alignment with who they're being, but not with alignment with who they truly are. That's why at the beginning of a relationship, you see there's a lot of coherence and matching and then after a while it starts to dissipate and disappear. There are a few reasons for that. One of them is because it's actually not an authentic match. Because the two people are coming together and they're not authentic. They have a fantasy of what they want or what they want, but it's not really what they want because they don't know themselves. So I always say, can you get brutally, radically honest with who you are? That's what I had to do. And really, what type of relationship do you want? How do you want to show up? How do you want to give love? How do you want to receive love? What are really your interests and your hobbies? Not because your friend likes that or because that's what the rage is at the moment in the media, but what do you really want at your deepest level and is to actually come face to face with those questions means we have to come face to face with our fear, our fears of rejection, our fears of letting go, our fears of losing parts of our identity. That's part of the journey, though, huh? That was for me.

Oh, I love it. Okay, so you're bringing me right back. Like, you're straight into my 20s right now. Because I used to go into dating or go into hanging out or whatever. Like when you were first meeting people, as I was always known as the cool girl, Meaning that I would be cool with whatever. Like, I was laid back, I was chill. I was a guy's girl. Well, what ended up happening is that me being okay with everything and, like, cool with everything and being able to hang out and not really, you know, have an opinion and joke with the guys or whatever, that attracted a lot of guys who were, like, not going to commit because they wanted a cool girl who was just cool with everything and how they were. And I just kept seeing that replay and replay because I was like, oh, my God. I'm not, you know, I'm not showing up as someone who stands up for what she thinks is right or wrong or how. What? Like saying what she actually wants. And I had somebody tell me, like, when I had shared something I wanted this guy friend of mine, he's like, you're never gonna find a guy like that. Cause there aren't guys out there like that. Well, we all hung out with people who were just, like, co with anything and whatever. And it's like being really specific like that. So anyway, I just had to share that. Like, yes. I was showing up so inauthentic. Attracting people. Exactly. Like what I didn't want.

Yup. Yeah. Because you were being someone that you thought would make you feel safe or make you feel popular or more loved and more appreciated. When you peel that back, that gives you insight into, okay, why do I need that? Where does that come from? And then you can start getting really real with who you are. But that hurts. Lori, I know that you've done You've gone there and you've done that work and you understand that. But let's be honest for a moment. If I were to ask you, hey, Laurie, was that really easy for you? What would you answer me?

No. It was actually quite awful because I remember the first time, even speaking my truth to Chris, I had to go to a place of realizing I could lose him if I shared what I truly want in the future.

Yeah. And that's courage, though. So here's a double edged sword. It's brutally painful, yet tremendously liberating. Yes. We forget that part because our brain likes to focus on what's the worst case scenario.

Oh, my God. And you know, I think for the first time, just because I'd been through so much pain in the past relationships, that finally I was like, well, anything's gotta be better than this. But you're absolutely right. Like, there was so much reward on the other side. There were a lot of conversations, but so much reward on the other side because it was like I really had to fast forward to saying, if I keep doing this, you know, and what is the outcome gonna be and what is the relationship I actually want? Because that has be formed in the beginning. So that goes to my next question because, like, okay, there is an element of like trying not to go into dating now. Maybe I'm totally wrong because I've been out of it forever, but I can't imagine, like going into dating being so upfront. Like, do you think that scares people? Or how do you, how do you do it?

Love this question. So for me, so the answer to yes and response, so we can go into dating and be completely upfront, even on our Tinder profiles or our dating app profiles, and be, bam, this is what I want. This is who I am. And someone like Alison Armstrong, for example, which her work's amazing, would say that's how you need to be. You're weeding out, you're weeding out the many and you just want one. You don't want many. Or depending on your sexual dynamic or relational dynamic, you may want a couple. But whatever it is, that's what you're saying and that's great. Now here's. I love that approach, by the way, and that for me, that works for me. But I'm going to tell you why that works for me. It didn't work for me years ago, so. And obviously it doesn't work for me now because I'm in a, in a relationship where I don't need to do that, but I am like that with Christine. I am very upfront with Christine as she is with me. And I'm going to tell you why that works for me. It can only work for you if you have a secure sense of self. So if you have a secure sense of self, you have a hardened sense of self worth that you can deal with rejection, you can deal with putting yourself out there. And a lot of of people, if you're a lady and you're a heterosexual lady and a lot of men are saying, well, that's too intense for me, I can't handle that. That's telling you something about them, which is a good thing. But if you haven't dealt with your insecurities and fears, that will bring up a lot of stuff for you and will push you to your edge. And so when we're pushed to our edge, we usually react instead of respond and then we start getting desperate and then we start putting the masks on and adhering to other people's music. We dance to the tune of their music and so we, we compromise ourselves too much. That approach is healthy. If you have a secure sense of self and self worth, you know yourself, you've done your inner work, you've dealt with your fears at a base level and you're confident in yourself and you're not attached to the outcome. So your ethos is not being attached to the outcome. And you're just so present to enjoying your life as it is and knowing that when you find someone and you can share that depth of intimacy with and that love and that connection, that's another level of growth and being that comes with, with issues as well, but growth promoting issues. And so that question is a loaded question. It's a great question. And so if you know that you're in the process of doing that deeper work, I would say at some level you may need to be single for a little bit longer. Not necessarily, because you can definitely grow together in relationship or be really upfront with where you are with yourself first and foremost and maybe just ease into the relationship a little bit. So ask them a lot of questions and you'll find that they should maybe ask you questions back. And so you're getting to know each other through listening attentively. And so you're still speaking your truth, but it's coming from a place of let me know you more as well. And so you can soften into that a little bit more. But that's another option. But it doesn't mean that you're not honest and you're not truthful it just means that you're in more of an observer mode to begin with because you know that you can't quite be that level of radical honesty that quickly doesn't mean you can't be honest. But you can't be honest that quick because you haven't developed a coping strategy or an ability to deal with that if it doesn't go the way that you anticipate.

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So what is something that you do or that you did when you were in the situation of really feeling like you were too afraid with dealing with the feedback because I know in the beginning it couldn't have been easy. How do you prepare yourself for that?

Yeah, I would come back to self care practices. I would come back to why do I want to speak my truth and honestly? I would come back to the life that I want to live. I don't want to live a life where one year, two year, three years down the track in a relationship. She's discovering that, you know, I've had a history of infidelity or that she's discovering this side of me that is grounded in deep frustration. As a man. I grew up in, as a young boy, I grew up in a very violent, volatile, aberrant family environment. And so even now as an adult, I can have a tendency which is far more. You can ask Christine about this, but it's far. I don't want to say Better, but it's far cleaner than it used to be, where I can get frustrated really easy, really easily. I can get agitated and tensile very quickly. And that's a product of my environment. But I'm very aware of it. And so I didn't want to be in a relationship where the woman that I was with didn't know the whole of me. I was more interested in wholeness as opposed to fracture and parts. And that was because of the experiences that I had as a man in my adult relationships that were really suffering. And those were the patterns that I was looking at. And so what was more important to me was I want to be really honest with this woman. And I'm okay if she can't handle that, or she's not ready for that, or maybe she's just not aligned with that. Maybe she's really mature and she's really evolved, but she just doesn't along with that. Then that's telling me something. So I would keep coming back to trust and keep coming back to I am worthy of love. And just because this person and I aren't resonating, that's okay. That doesn't mean I'm not worthy of love. But to get to that point, Laurie, when I would be dating, quasi dating, I had to do a lot of work around my fears and my insecurities and my fallacies in my masks. And that was years, I'll be honest, that was years for me to get to that point. But how to prepare myself is to gently remind myself that I love myself and I am worthy. And it's okay. It's. I'm not. I don't need to be defined by my past and I can still be honest about it in a really open hearted and compassionate way and not be judgmental towards the person that's sitting across from me.

I have so many questions. Okay, so first, one timeline. It's a tough one because there are the old timelines, especially depending on where you are geographically located. You can feel more of a timeline crunch to be in a relationship, you know, LA, NY, it's more like, okay, we're in our 40s, maybe we should start looking now and like Midwest. It's like, oh my God, if you're 30 and you don't, you're not married enough, kids, like, you have problems. How do we release these stories and these timelines and you know, like, like because you can start to feel frantic or pressure or desperate.

I think what's really important is to start rewriting our narratives. And so we can look at our stories, our cultural stories, our familial stories, our familial values that, you know, the values that we adhere to in our, in our immediate culture, whether it be media or family or friends or the city that we live in or whatever, and just say, okay, this is a narrative. This is a story story. And so I'm noticing that there's this dialogue and this discourse around, hey, if you're not 30 and you're not married with kids, you're a bit weird and strange. Okay, I can see that. That's cool. I'm not going to be hyper judgmental of that. I don't necessarily relate to that. Is there another narrative? Is there another story? Can I find evidence of another story elsewhere, whether it be in another city, another country, another place, another time? And does that feel better in my body? We're checking with our body. And if it feels better in your body, if you feel more spaciousness and lightness and happiness and relief, then, you know, maybe that story is more in alignment with you and you can live to that too. And so I would start with, can we find different stories and not limit ourselves with globalization and technology? Literally, Laurie, like you and I right now having a conversation. We're a couple of hundred miles away from each other. We're having an intimate conversation as if we're right here. I mean, technology gives us access to so much. You can jump on Google and find different love stories. What's it like? What are relationships like in Japan? Does it make them wrong or right? It's not so much about that. It's about what resonates with you. And so it's fun to actually make it fun by thinking it's fun. Start researching other stories around. Okay, this is where I'm at. There's a reason why I'm here. Maybe let me look into that, but also let me look at. Into what are some new stories around where I'm at. And maybe the reason why we don't want to look at these new stories, I'll just be really upfront with it, is because it may go against the grain of our immediate peer groups. We're so attached to those friendships. You know this, Laurie, right? You've moved town. You. I mean, your story is an amazing one. So many of us have amazing stories, right? And so you've had to let go at some level of that identification to that old peer group. And that's hard. It's like, it's like your arms getting torn off your shirt off. It's Fucking painful. And that's why we don't look at those other stories. Because if we start looking at other stories and being different, our group may disown us because that's unfamiliar to them. And that means it's unsafe to the ego. And so they start pushing back on you. What are you doing? What do you mean? You think that's right? What do you mean it's okay to be 40 and single? That's weird. I mean, are you normal? This is the language that people use. Are you normal? What they're saying is, why don't you believe what I believe so that we will feel safe together and that we share the same beliefs and there's not going to be much conflict. We're gonna get outside of those boundaries if we want a better life or a more aligned life for ourselves.

It's that point of trusting that it will turn out. But it's like, it's that. That place of trying to explain to people and it's. You have to go through it for yourself, in my personal opinion, is what has really happened for me. Like, that place of, you almost have to hit that wall of like, I can't, you know, if I play out my life for the next five years and I'm doing the same things, like, I can't live that way. So it's really that risk of, you know, not knowing what's going to happen is still better than staying the same. I don't know if people fast forward their life enough.

That's a great way to put it. And I was just about to say something very similar, but not in that way. I love that. I'm going to steal that from you. I'll quote you, of course. I love that. I don't think people fast forward their life enough, and therefore they just remain where they are unhappily. And when we fast forward our lives enough and say, hey, am I going to be deeply content, satisfied, happy, joyous if I'm living this life five years from now and really dropping to that feeling? And if you can be radically honest with yourself and the answer is no, you need to get a new life and you need to do things and have different internal frameworks of reference of how you view yourself and react.

You know, I. Okay, so I kind of want to dig into this because there's that point where I think people don't. They're like, okay, well, what if I take this risk and it's worse?

Yeah, that's the fear of the unknown, right? Yeah. So we have this. We Would because the ego. And this is, this is where the internal dialogue and conversation with self comes in. This tool has worked so well for me and the clients that I work with. I can't tell you how much this simple tool is so powerful. Powerful. Just a little bit of background, very briefly. The ego, which is the way, it's the way that we relate to the world and relationships, the way we see ourselves and see the world, it is vested in familiarity because familiarity equates to safety. And so in terms of keeping the entire organism, the psychosocial, emotional, physiological organism safe, whatever's more familiar is just, it's natural to know that it's more safe when we venture into the unknown. Yeah, we could have a better life, but we also could be dead. And so when the brain weighs all that up, it says we're better off staying in familiar terrain because we're alive, we're eating, we're sleeping, we have friends, we start to justify everything's good, why do you want to change? And so firstly we have to have a conversation with the ego and say, well, ego, I love you. This is a parts conversation, right? I love you. I know you're here just to protect me. I get. Remember when we were two and we couldn't walk and that was really unfamiliar, but we started walking and now we're running and now we're really stable on our feet. Remember that? That was really unfamiliar. But we're still alive. If anything, our lives are a lot better. Can you imagine still crawling around as a 35 year old person? That would be strong. As you have these conversations and you start to focus on, let me just venture into the unknown, let me visualize the unknown for a moment. So I have this compassionate conversation with my ego. Go. I say thank you for protecting me. It's safe to at least think about this new way of being. And then I'll start to focus on what are some of the advantages of this new way that's really unknown and allow my mind to really sink into that for a moment. I might do that every day. Like I might write or write some things in my journal every day on my whiteboard in reference to that and become more familiar with it. And so all of a sudden the unfamiliar is becoming familiar in a safe way, in a conceptual way. And then when you start to act on it and physically bring it into your environment, for example, if it's. I want to really talk to this work colleague that I have because I find her really attractive, but I've been too scared for three months to do that. If you start conditioning yourself and exposing yourself visually to that, all of a sudden when you actually go and do it, it's less intense because it's more familiar, because you've been thinking about what the outcome may be. And yes, there could be rejection, there could be humiliation, it could be a no way, I don't do that, or I'm not interested in you, and you can expose yourself to that as well and be learned to be comfortable with that. Again, that requires looking at the fears and looking at the self and deconstructing self. But that simple two part have a conversation with the ego and start to visualize on a daily basis what the unknown looks like and make it known, make it more familiar, even the uncomfortable stuff around me, that it will become more palatable when you actually enact it in your life.

It's so true. I love that we're talking about relationships, but this is honestly applied to everything. Like, literally, this is taking risks in business, this is taking risks in friendship. I was just listening to an awesome podcast. I'll totally send it to you after this. But it was really talking about how if you want to get through something, something you literally have to go and accept and sit with the thing that you're in resistance of. Like, the more that you sit with that, the more you're going to get through the other thing or you're going to get your answer. And it's just like we are in such resistance over the pain of what could happen. And what if it gets worse? And what if we miss out? Well, what if you just, like you said with everything, like, what if you just were okay with it? Like, what if you started to get comfortable with that and then you kept going?

When we remain with the resistance, we see through it. When we keep avoiding it, there's no way through. There's no way to move around it or through it or over it because we're avoiding it. So we keep denying it, yet it still exists. It's in our psyche, it's in our relationships, it's in our. In our lives. But we're not taking advantage of just being with it to then create an opportunity to actually do something with it and see a way through. It's like if you stay home on a Saturday night, every Saturday night, the chance of you having fun going out is nil. But if you go out on a Saturday night, you've increased your chances of having some fun because you're putting yourself out there. It's the same with resistance and fear. If you meet the fear and meet the resistance, you increase your chances of making it something that can, can aid you and help you along your journey as opposed to something that keeps restricting you and pulling you back and down into old patterns that don't serve you and don't serve what's important to you or others.

Okay, so I want to, I want to pivot just a little bit and talk to people who are in relationships, whether, I mean, I feel like so much of this can be applied to friends and romantic relationships. But let's just talk to the people who are in a relationship and maybe they've really started doing, you know, the things that they want to be doing or the work on themselves or they're starting to go in the direction of their dreams and they are feeling like their partner is not on the same page. I think that's all I have to say.

You don't need to say anything. That's a big mic drop, that one. That's tough, that one. Yeah. And so this is why I'm a massive fan of getting really clear on each other's values and being very authentic and true to yourself when coming into relationship. And that can always happen. And people change too, right? People, let's be very real. I mean, people can change in relationship and you can start to grow apart. And so I'm going to give you a. I'm definitely going to provide some options or tactics or tools to deal with that. But also I want to provide some preventative tools because I'm a massive fan of, of prevention as opposed to curative. You know, our friend Sahara Rose, she's in Ayurvedic medicine and Ayurveda. The science of life really speaks to prevention as opposed to curing something. Let's spend as much time preventing an ailment or an issue before it actually arises. And then of course, let's have some tools to deal with it if something acute arises as well. Right. So what's really important is that consistent communication and how we communicate to each other other not only in our feelings, but also our constructs and our models of reality, what we, our values, our belief systems, what we think is right and wrong, sharing intimate time together, having fun together, bonding and binding together on a regular basis helps keep us close and helps us be more comfortable and confident in speaking to each other when we're experiencing change in our environment or in our inner world. Because change is part of life that's inevitable. And so, so it's how we deal with change that defines the quality of our relationships and defines us as well. And so maybe you're taking a change, a shift or a pivot in your business, maybe you've been expressing in a particular way in your business. You're a solo entrepreneur and now you want to take a completely new path. How you explain and express that to your partner in real time, of course, after you've digested it and you've had some clarity around it, is really important. If you just make those changes and don't communicate that that's really volatile. There's a lot of unknown there. There's a lot of isolation and space. And so can you have experiences like date nights and sharing together and sharing each other's lives on a regular basis together from a place of compassion that helps integrate each other into your lives. So when something drastic or dramatic happens, when you are taking, when you're growing in a particular direction because you're now obsessed with yoga and your partner is, or when you're really, really obsessed with Tony Robbins and that type of growth dynamic and your partner really doesn't like that, you're going to be able to deal with that with greater efficacy. You're going to be able to compromise and see each other's perspectives and feel each other's perspectives with a greater ease doesn't mean it's not going to be comfortable, it's going to be completely comfortable, but you'll be able to do that. Now tools to deal with that, that a little bit different. And so if you, if you're witnessing, because there's two perspectives, the person that's actually changing and making radical change and viewing that their partner is being left behind and then there's a person that quote unquote is being left behind, right? Or just isn't on the same track. And so if you're not on that same track and you really value the relationship, if you start pointing fingers and start being abusive in the relationship and start accusing them of doing something that's harming the relationship because they're pursuing something that they really love and care about, you're only going to create more distance. However, you show a curiosity in a non threatening way and you can look at that situation and say, I don't need to be threatened by this because I offer so much more in the relationship. So again, we're coming back to self love and self care. What do I offer in a relationship? Let me be really clear on that within myself. Then you can approach the situation. Hey darling, I see that you're really the last few months You've really got involved in this Tony Robbins thing, and whilst it doesn't really align with me, I want to know more about it because I'm seeing this growth in you and it's really inspiring me. Do you think it's something that we could work on together, maybe in a different way? And maybe it's that type of conversation instead of being accusing of them leaving you behind, because that's coming from fear. And it's similar, but different for the person that's in a particular growth phase and observing their partner not being on that train with them. And so we don't want to force anyone to do anything because whenever we feel forced, you know, this, like, it just doesn't feel good. It feels. It feels yucky, it feels sticky. It feels like we're being pushed to basically. Let me just cut through the bullshit. What it's actually what we feel at a very. At a neurological, primal and inner child. Child level, is that you're telling me I'm not good enough and I need a change. And no one wants to hear that. That's tough. Right. But if you're that person, can you just subtly keep doing your thing and just being inspired by what you do and not forcing anything on your partner and still seeing that? And this may not always be the case. Right. But in most cases it will be. I know couples that are in completely different industries and fields have completely different interests, completely different friend groups, yet that they are so into each other, they care for each other so much because it just works for them, because they see that each other really, they support each other in the ways they need to be supported, and that's more than enough for them. And they feel safe in that space. And they give to each other from a place of love, yet they're totally different. Sometimes those opposites can harmonize. Sorry, you were going to say something?

Oh, I was just. I literally was just thinking about that because I don't know if there's a way. I've had moments in my life where I'm like, wow, I really thought this is what I needed, but I had no idea that this was way more important for me or I have friends where I can kind of, like, see that. And this is. I mean, I'm sure you can do this as well. Like, sometimes you can see that they don't see how much value a person offers in a different area, that they're not actually valuing and they're kind of like, always looking for something different. And, you know, like, I wish my Partner did this or that. And I'm like, but what if you found a friend group or other people to do that because your partner is so valuable in this aspect? Like, how do you know when your partner should be, you know, what your partner should be to you and what should be being filled by other people? Like, how do you start to value what your partner offers and decide that that's what you want? Because I don't know if so much of me being like, yeah, Chris is my perfect partner, or me deciding that what his value is to me is, like, really important and that's what I'm desiring, so I make it important and I seek out the rest in other, like, friend groups or support in other ways. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does, it does. So the first three, three, three main things here, the first thing is we have to get rid of this expectation that that one person can feel, fulfill the actions of a tribe. We have needs as human beings and we've evolved, aka grown up over the last 1.5 to two and a half million years as humanoids thereabouts, having our needs met socially, psychologically, biologically by a tribe, by a small group or larger group of people. And what we do in modern society in contextual terms, is basically place all of that in one person. Person. You've got to be my friend, you've got to be my priest, you've got to be my energy healer, you've got to be my shaman, you've got to be my lover, you've got to be sexually active with me, you've got to be my business partner, you've got to be everything. Now, whilst that is possible to some extent not to, if you look at sort of like video games and you look at energy levels like strength, vitality, agility, power, if you can imagine a bar, 10 out of 10, or maybe your strength is 8 and maybe your agility is 10, but your power is 2 or something like that. Right, Right. If you look at all these things that we need as human beings and you put them in one person, then we have an expectation they need to be a 10 out of 10. First of all, we're going to remove that, get rid of it. Just get rid of that expectation and understand that they can't fulfill all of our needs at that highest level. Not going to happen. Not going to happen. So we have to reframe that belief and that narrative, that internal narrative, this part is, is love on what your partner gives you. Like, focus on what he or she gives you. And this isn't just for partnerships. This is for friends as well. Right? Or family members. We become enmeshed and entangled with our parents as well. And we deify our parents from a young age, and sometimes as adults, that carries on in adulthood. Right? And so we continue to have these high expectations on our parents and vice versa. And it just doesn't work like that. Our parents, our mother, or our father can't give us everything either. Then we project that onto our part partners. That's a whole other psychosocial dynamic. Right? But what's really important is that we start to focus on what does our partner give us, what does that friend give us, what does our business partner really give us? And how does that add value to my life? And in turn, how can I add value to their life? And then the third part of that is focus on that. Or maybe there's four parts, is seek what you need at some level outside of the partnership. And that doesn't mean. But within. Within the parameters of what your agreements are. So, for example, if you. If your agreements are around being only sexual with each other, and for some reason, there's been a number of a period of time where you're not sexual with each other, and then all of a sudden you say, well, Steph's told me on a podcast that with Laurie's podcast, I can go seek my needs outside of someone else, outside of the partnership. Well, I'll just go have sex outside of a partnership. No, because that's not in your agreement. So you people do this shit. You got to get really. I mean, I was this person as well, on many levels, in different ways. Right. You've got to get clear on your agreements, too. And then, so maybe your partner can't always handle your emotional volatility or your emotional expression. Have a friend, have an energy healer, have a group of people that you trust, respect, and revere, where you can share all that. And then all of a sudden, you're putting less pressure on that dynamic, on that relate, and it can flourish a lot more. So you can still be growing in your way, they can be growing in their way, and you can focus on what attributes really complement each other and what parts of your relationship really complement each other. And there you can grow at deeper levels because you don't have this unrealistic expectation of that person being everything to you and you being bitterly disappointed 99.9% of the time.

Oh, my God. I can think of so many things that, you know, I used to get upset with Chris over, and then I realized, like, he's not the person to go to when I need to work through some family stuff because he gets really upset right along with me and just feeds the fire and we don't end up with a solution. Like, I need, like, someone who's not intertwined in this particular thing or, you know, other things. Like, Chris has never had anxiety. He's never had panic attacks. So when I need someone to really talk to about, like, this is flaring up again or this is going on, I don't need someone to just be like, okay, just breathe. And then me get mad at him. Like, I now know, like, there are certain things I'm not going to go to for him, but then other things are. So, you know, of course he's going to be the first person I. I go to. But it used to be that I would get so upset with him for not understanding certain things, and then I finally realized, oh, it's that I don't understand that all things shouldn't be taken to him. He doesn't have all of the answers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a really powerful place to be. So I would love to know, you know, if you're open to sharing kind of some different things that, that have. Because you're about. Well, you'll be. You'll be married by the time this podcast comes out, so you're about to be married. And I know that you guys have, you know, had this beautiful journey, but I also know that you are melding two different lives together. So I would love to have you just share kind of some of the tactics that you've used to have these conversations to be, you know, know, upfront and to share your truth and what is your fighting look like and how do you. Have you learned how to fight or what it. What's. What's the deal?

Yeah, we've definitely learned how to fight. And we don't always get it right. And it can sometimes, you know, we cause a bit of harm before it causes. We're more grounded in that. I mean, a perfect example was the other day we were talking about. I'll just be really, really honest. This is. It's a perfect example because was two, three days, two days ago. So we're in the process of buying a house, and we're very excited about that. And I was talking, we were just talking about, do you think we'll. Do you think we'll get this type of loan based on the way our businesses are structured? And we're just going through just having the conversation And I said, well, maybe if this happens again. We're not mortgage brokers. We're not in the finance industry. So we don't know what products and tools they use. We're just hypothesizing because we're being crazy creative. And so I came up with an idea that could be a possible idea. And Christine, I viewed that. Christine shut that idea down. And so instead of saying, hey, darling, in a really compassionate way, when you talk like that, it reminds me of my father shutting me down and not listening to him as an example. And it really makes me feel sad. Do you think you could say it in a different way or. I really don't appreciate that being said because I feel like this. I then got very defensive and shut her down. And I became accusing of her. This. You're an immediate no. You're immediate no. Stunts our creativity. I don't want to have these conversations with you anymore. You work it out yourself. Literally. Like I just regressed into this childhood.

So we're walking there multiple times.

Yeah. So we're walking. I've got a 55, 60 pound weight vest on. It's hot, sun's hot. We went for a walk late. It was midday here. I'm cooking. So that's making me. I'm hot, sweating. That's making me more agitated. And so we're having this agitated conversation. And then usually there's this part of the walk where we walk down and she grabs my hand because it's pretty steep and she just likes to grab my hand. And I put my hand out, even though I was very reluctant to, because I was angry at her and I was angry at myself for basically being immature and regressing. But I hadn't admitted it at that point yet. I hadn't taken notice of it. I put my head out, I said, yeah, grab my hand. And it's sweaty though. And she said, no, I'll do it myself. That didn't go down very well. She said, no, it's okay, I'm okay. And I said, great, no problem. Just keep being directed and singular and just keep being in your masculine energy. That's so bad. I was having a dig at her and I was being nasty because when I'm like that, I get intellectual because I can and because. But because that's how I protected myself when I was younger until I started to learn how to fight. And then I started fighting and protecting myself and punching on instead of using my intellect. So literally within three minutes, I stopped. We stopped walking. I said, look, sorry, I Apologize for what I did. I made a joke of it. I made it last. And you're sorry for. So I make it. And she laughed and then I hugged her and I was all sweaty. She doesn't like that. And I made her laugh though, and I kissed her and I said, I'm really sorry for not actually coming from a place of just expressing myself rather than just being angry and accusing you. Because I didn't like what you said and I really just took ownership of that. And that was within 15, 20 minutes. Whereas sometimes it goes on for a couple of hours, it doesn't go much longer than that. And so the tool there is. Can you take radical self ownership and elicit radical self honesty around? Okay, how am I behaving right now? What's really coming up? Because it's not so much what she said or even how she said it, it's what is that triggering in me? Because she's just coming from a place of being in her mind. Okay, let's clear that option. That's not going to happen. Let's move on to the next one. She's not cutting me down. She's not saying you're an idiot, your ideas are stupid, stupid. She's not saying that at all. It's a story I'm creating in my head. And so the two complementary tools is take ownership and reevaluate your story that you're telling yourself about what's just happened. Often than not, it's your own condition, preconditioned story. And that's been my experience that is allowing you or asking you to then behave in a defensive, fear based way. That's coming from old shit. And so if you can move beyond that and just really step into ownership, that's going to be empowering for the relationship to grow and flourish. And it's a really powerful tool for moving through stuff quickly and healing each other as well and actually developing and creating a more coherent relationship.

I can't tell you how many times I feel like I've had that fight a million times and they don't last long. It's so beautiful when you can be like, okay, this is how this made me feel. I'm sorry that I lashed out. It just was like an immediate trick. And I feel like, you know, Chris and I always say, like, I would rather have like a hundred little match fires a day that you blow out right away rather than like, you know, a raging forest fire that you cannot put out. And I always think about if you're not willing to blow that Match out. Like it's gonna light some other shit on fire that you can't. You're not gonna even have the water to be able to put it out. So I'm always like, oh, solve this right now. And my ego's like, no, keep going. It feels good. You want to win, and that's how it always feels. It's like some part of you is like, just wants to, like, you know, devour that fight, like it wants to win. And you just have to acknowledge, like, are you willing to go there? Like, are you really willing to actually continue this fight? Because it's only going to get worse. Like it literally rages.

Yeah, it does. I love the analogy of the match fire and the wildfire. And you know, something for the, the heterosexual ladies out there with their men, for men, it's, it's tough because fighting is quite innate within us, but it's biologically built in within us to some extent with our hormonal profiling and our brain, the way our brains are structured as well. And so we're always looking for conflict. We're always seeking for conflict. Very few men would not be seeking conflict in one way or another. And so understanding that as a woman and bringing your vulnerable, compassionate heart to help a man come into his greater peace and so that he can redirect the conflict or the fight in another way, that is, let him be in that inner conflict and let him win the battle of overcoming fear as opposed to bringing that battle and that conflict outside of himself in his intimate relationship. And you know, the man needs to do the work and have the self awareness, but the, and the compassionate heart of a woman of the divine feminine. And of course they are not mutually exclusive, but that can be very separate. That's very powerful.

Oh, that's really interesting to hear. Just because there was a time where, you know, because Chris used to have more of like a very reactive temper. And while that's still there, there was a time where I wanted him to be very peaceful and very passive. And I was really upset that he was more fiery. And you know, what I've learned is that that fiery part of him when it can be kind of redirected. And I can also see how powerful. It's so powerful with certain things though, like if he was actually peaceful and super passive, we wouldn't have the life that we have, we wouldn't have the relationships that we have. We wouldn't be. Be creating like being able to move through really challenging things in our business. Like that fire's been really powerful. It's just learning how I need to value certain things that I used to view as, you know, bad or conflicting or whatever that looks like. But that's been really an interesting journey for me.

Yeah, well, the feminine is going to want peace. Technically, we live in the time of the feminine right now. And that feminine rising, we're looking, we're seeing, we're seeing where the most peaceful times, there's less conflict than there ever has been. And in your relationship, if Chris was massively passive and he didn't have that fire and he was all about peace, there would be a dullness in your polarity. And so when he now, instead of spilling a cup of coffee and carrying on and swearing and kicking everything and being angry and then being angry for two days because he spilled a cup of coffee and broke his favorite man mug, instead of having that fire, his fire is now redirected, whether it be in business and entrepreneurship, in how he trains and moves his body and how he deals with conflict in a healthier way. But that fire is still there. And so the polarity is still there. And there's nothing wrong with the feminine wanting peace. There's nothing wrong with the masculine wanting conflict. We think about that, though. That's a very loaded statement because I say, what are you talking about, Steph? Should we just go fight and have war? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But the art of conflict, AKA challenge, is how the masculine really grows. And so when a masculine man in this sense can create difference in his life, healthy difference, and then move to solve or alleviate or move through that difference, that conflict has actually created an outcome of growth and expansion for him because he's learned something new. And so that's the maturing and the next wave of masculinity in terms of consciousness and self awareness. I don't want to digress because I don't want us to get too far off conversation, obviously, but. And that could be a conversation for another time, but that's something to be just off piggyback off what you said then.

So I'm going to have you on again because we could go down a million different spirals. But I want to wrap with a last question, but I want. Want the question to be a question that you wish more people asked you.

Oh, I wish more people asked me very directly how. I just want to. I want to frame this. A really great question, though. What do I need to do and be in order to feel safe enough to explore the whole of who I am? That's a Question I wish people ask very directly more of me and just more of themselves, more of life. I feel that's such an opening question to them, exploring their fears and their pains and their patterns and the stuff that's not working in their life and the stuff that really is working in their life. It just exposes them to the gamut of self, which I think that's where. That's the foundations of liberation for me and freedom and really experiencing deep love, authentic love with self and with the world.

Oh, that can be such a. You know, I. I've been in a place where I've asked myself, you know, years ago, you know, what's not working? And I think the scariest place was answering, well, everything. So just like kind of stepping into, you know, because you had that place, I'm guessing, when you were like, wow, this is not working for me. It can get really overwhelming. So people can go back to a life, a relationship, a job. They feel too in to get out. Maybe they have a lot of kids. Maybe they feel like, you know, they're just in debt over their head. Maybe they wouldn't know how to leave. They'd have to leave their. Like they wouldn't. It feels too. Is there a hopeless place for people or what is the first, you know, little peek into a glimmer of hope when you're in that space spot?

Yeah, when you're in that. In that place of immense pain and fear. I think just knowing that this is temporary and this is also an opportunity to free yourself, it's inside, so that the fear is feedback. Pain is an opportunity for new perspective. And so instead of denying and avoiding it and numbing ourselves to it, because that's what society tells us society is all about, about instantaneous pleasure and quick fixes. Can we just be with that for a little bit longer? Not to the point where it debilitates us mentally, socially, relationally, but emotionally, but to the point where we can just grasp slowly, over a period of time, days, weeks, months, we can grasp the wisdom from it. Because that pain is an opportunity to look at ourselves with a new perspective and heal something that is actually unhealed or not equilibrated, not neutralized within us, and that unconsciously affects very subtly every area of our life, lives and how we relate to ideas, to things, to success, to failure, to people, to love, how we choose to give and receive love. And that's really important. So seeing it as an opportunity for growth as opposed to something that is going to hinder us, that's the beginning. The beginning point. So welcoming pain. I'm not saying pursue it and chase it. I'm just saying when it comes. Okay, let me just sit with this now. Let me welcome it a little bit. At least a little bit. And let me see. Okay, what's it trying to tell? Tell me and show me about me.

Well, Steph, I could talk to you all day because I feel like we look like I just chipped off a tiny piece of ice. Like I didn't really do anything, but this was freaking amazing. I know so many people are going to get so much wisdom from this, but we'll. We'll tackle the iceberg at another time as well. But you guys, you can absolutely go get more information and learn. Learn more about all of the things that Steph loves to talk about. So where can we find you? Follow you? What do you have? Exciting that's going on?

Yeah. Thank you, Lori. So you can find me@stefanosafandos.com or any of my social media handles. Stefanosofandos. And what I'm super, super excited about right now is definitely the deep men's work that I do. That's a given. That's ongoing. And Christine and I, my beautiful fiance, Christine Haster and I have just launched a program. Be the queen. Stefanosafan landos.com bethequeen or christinehassler.com bethequeen and it is for single ladies wanting to call in their king is also for ladies really wanting to know themselves at greater depth and just to start shedding those masks and step into their true, authentic self without fear and being in a very supportive container guided by Christine and I. I'm just. I'm just so excited that Christina, every time Christina and I teach together, I just get such a buzz. My heart opens. I'm so present. I'm just. We're going to Hawaii now, and we're about to teach you a treat. I'm just. I'm so amped about that. It just. It really feeds my soul. And I'm super excited about this program. It starts in November, so, yeah, I'm amped about that right now, for sure.

Well, I'm so excited to hear all about it, and I can't wait to hear about Hawaii and all of the things in between. So you guys go find him, follow him. I will have the spelling of his name and all of those things in the show notes so that you guys can definitely go find and follow and stuff. I just want to say thank you so much and thank you for how you show up. And always you are just somebody who is so incredibly present and so willing and wanting to help and drop in with people and really be there with them. Because I know that it's your life's mission to help people really have fulfilling relationships and to really love themselves. So really grateful for you and you guys. If you loved this episode and you know somebody who needs this information, just make sure you text it to them right now because you never ever know what you're doing by just giving someone potentially what they need through a podcast. So make sure you go and share. Write a review. We're so grateful for you. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye. Bye.