484. Stop betraying yourself and people pleasing now - with Lacey Johnson

Hi, everyone. I'm so happy you've tuned into the show. Whether you have listened before or you're brand new, I'm so grateful for you. You have no idea. And this episode is brought to you by my Become Aligned course. And podcasts are amazing. And I know that you know that because you guys all listen to them, and I do, too. And sometimes they are not necessarily enough because while we're listening, sometimes we're passively listening and we're not actively listening. So the reason that Chris and I. Chris is my husband. The reason we've created this course is because we get asked so many questions outside of the podcast on how we started living the life that we live now. A life of happiness, of abundance, of really understanding that life is always full of problems every single day, but there's always a solution. And how do we shift back into a mindset that's going to keep us happy, keep us together, keep us successful, and keep us in thriving relationships? And that is what our, our Become Aligned course is about. You guys, we cover everything from mindset to the rituals that we do every single day. We talk about different energy sources that's really gonna provide you with lasting energy. We talk about your purpose and what that actually means, what it is and how it's ever changing. We're gonna tap into your beliefs, we're gonna show you how to build a tribe to support where you're going. And we're definitely going to talk about wealth, abundance, money, all of the good things, and how to sustain all of this. Because while, like I said, POD are absolutely awesome, you don't necessarily sit down and actually write out a plan for yourself. Because as much as I can sit here and tell you on the podcast, what we do and how much, how many different people that I can interview, it's important that you actually learn how to apply these things in your own life. So if you've been listening for a while and you are ready to go deeper and you really want to get some direct training and be able to dive into your life and yourself and your mindset, this is the course for you. I don't know about you, but I absolutely have points in my life where I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I hit walls where I don't necessarily feel happy anymore, and I haven't sat with myself long enough. I haven't really let myself think. I haven't written out how I actually feel. And so many people who took this course said that it was completely life changing and they revealed a lot of things about themselves, about them, about their. About their relationships that they weren't really looking at or they were avoiding. And it's about having those tough conversations, not only with other people, but really with yourself and knowing that you have the tools and the access to the tools. And we're going to teach you all of the tools that you need not only to move through things, but to actually thrive on the other side. So, you guys, I would love for you to join the aligned community. It's such a special group of human beings and you get lifetime time access. This is nine different modules where you're going to be working through each area of your life at your own pace. So you might need something on abundance, you might need more on, you know, money, you might need more on your purpose on your tribe. This is where you can really go deep on exactly what you need and make sure that you're not missing any of your blind spots. If you are feeling stuck or if you are wondering how everyone is doing it and how they're managing it all. This is a truly honest course about how to have a thriving life and manage and deal with all of the different problems that do come up in your life and understand that not everyone is going to support you and not everyone is for you and you are not for everyone. And that's okay. It's finding your people, it's forgiving yourself. It's creating a life of abundance and choosing your own purpose and your happiness. So, you guys, you can go to becomealigned.com that's becomealigned.com and you guys know that because you're listeners, I'm gonna give you an awesome deal and an awesome discount and I cannot wait to see you in that community. And also let me know if you join because it is such an awesome, awesome community. And also I'm really proud of this course. Chris and I poured our heart and our soul into this. Everything that we've done, everything that we've learned, we've invested so much into ourself that this is everything that we have applied in our lives. And if you want to know how we've done it, we put it all on the table. We've put it all in this course. So if you want to know, go check it out@becealigned.com so let's get into the show.

When you shine and you allow yourself to shine not in a boastful way, but in a truthful, authentic way that you deserve to shine you by default, extend an invitation for them to hey, get out of the gutter.

Welcome to the Earn your happy Podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get better, focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the show. This episode I was lucky enough to sit across from this human being. You guys, we connected because she asked me to do an interview for Oprah Meg and she is a writer for them and we connected, jumped on the phone and I ended up literally forgetting what in the heck we were doing and we just started talking and having this epic conversation and I didn't even get to see this human and my soul felt immediately connected. So. Lacey Johnson is an award winning essayist, editor and journalist. She's worked with a broad range of authors, celebrities and entrepreneurs including Deepak Chopra and Damon John. She founded the Wonder report in 2018. Her words can be read in a variety of print including Cosmo, Marie Claire, Woman's Day, Popsugar, and Oprah Mag, many of which have been syndicated by Apple News, msn, the Huffington Post and Yahoo. With a deep intrigue for human beings and a fiery passion for smacking her readers in the face with the truth. She writes and reports boldly and introspectively about topics that challenge the status quo. She talks about anything in the realm of love, relationships, spirituality, trauma, women's issues, wellness, and the nuances of success and leading a fulfilling life. She's also deep in the process of co authoring her first book, which I'm so freaking excited for you guys. She let me read a little blurb of some of her writing in other areas and I literally was just breath taken aback by how beautiful her writing is. She actually shares a piece on this podcast that is going to blow your mind. You're going to need to get this book. I'm going to have her on again when this book comes out. She just doesn't know it yet. So she's deep in the process of co authoring her first book. It's a conscious and gutsy Exploration of the illusions of fame, power, success, and the inescapability of humanness, all told through narratives involving some of the people the world most idolizes. She's got some stories, you guys, that are going to take your breath away and move you. And I can't wait to get started on this podcast. And before we do that, I have to remind you that I need to see you at the Bliss Project. It's no longer an option. Do you like how I'm just telling you this is your loving nudge to get your rear end out to Marina Del Rey, California, which is right by Los Angeles guys, so that we can be together, to connect, to move through your fears, to find your tribe and truly get all of the answers that are in one room. And you can just show up. Just be willing to show up. Bring your fear, bring your excitement, pack it all, pack your leggings, because we're going to be comfortable as well. All right, you guys, go to the Bliss Project.info because I don't want you to miss it. We have the most epic speakers this year. You are not going to want to miss being in this room. And might I just mention I am going to have some of the most fun spots and things to take pictures with. You're not even going to take it. So it is like over the top right now with what I'm looking at for staging in the room. So you just want to be in the room for the pictures, let alone just the boomerangs. That's all, guys. All right, so let's get started on this podcast. Here we go. You guys, I'm so excited because you always know that whenever I get to do an in person podcast, it's so awesome to not be sitting up here by myself. So, Lacy, thank you so much for coming from or from Nashville. Yes.

All the way.

But you travel all over.

I do New York, LA pretty regularly. Yeah.

So thank God you have those spots. And it's not like we're going to, you know, Columbus or Nebraska, which great, great places, you guys. But in the winter, they're not as.

A listener right now going, no, there's.

A listener turned off. You guys, I'm from upper Michigan and Wisconsin. Okay. I'm allowed. I'm allowed to say that. But Nashville is awesome, too.

Yeah. And I'm Southern and I'm not offended by that. Which is a rarity as well.

I don't hear a Southern accent. Were you raised there?

Yeah, actually, I'm from Mississippi.

Maybe it's just because you're in la and it, like, you've acclimated.

Well, I think I've just talked to so many people from all over, like, every corner of the world, and I don't know, I think it comes out when I'm angry, if I get pissed off. If we start talking about the topics that we're planning to talk about.

Oh, I can't wait to hear it. I'll hear some Southern.

I'll hear some Southern words.

You know, you kind of have a universal personality, though. Like, the first time that I met you, when we were just on an interview, right?

Yes. Yeah. For Oprah Magazine, I was like, have.

I known you forever? Yeah. You have one of those personalities where I truly think I could probably put you in any room and you would be able to figure something out.

Yeah.

Why do you think that is?

I love people. I just really do. I think that's why I became a writer and a journalist and why I enjoy my work. I'm just so. Just endlessly interested in people. The human experience, the beauty, the pain, the mess of it. Some of it could come from experiencing trauma at a very, very early age and just kind of having a lot of adults around me who are grieving and really having to pay attention and just seeing a lot of emotions and, like, extreme emotions at a very young age. Seeing a lot of joy, seeing a lot of grief, seeing a lot of, you know, just an uproar of emotions. So maybe. Maybe that has something to do with it. Yeah.

That's interesting. So seeing, you know, traumatic things at a young age or people going through so much. Do you think that you wanted to, you know, collect evidence on someone could still be happy or.

I don't know. I think I wanted to collect evidence on how I could make people happy. I think. So that kind of stems. That kind of leads to what we were planning to talk about.

Oh, yeah.

But I think being. Seeing such extreme emotions and having so many adults around me who were so saturated in grief. When I was very young, I really learned to read people, read body language, read facial expressions, read tone, and kind of figure out a way that I could kind of eject people from that space sometimes and make them smile, even if only for a moment, you know, and that became a really beautiful thing. But it also, you know, there's. There's sort of the perversion side of that, where that becomes like, something you almost become addicted to. But I don't know. I just think. I also think some of it is that having experienced a lot of trauma, you know, you really can't see the beauty in life unless you've seen the ugliness. You can only appreciate something, you know, as much as you've encountered its opposite. In my opinion. Like if something can only be, I mean, you know, white looks the whitest against a black wall, you know. So I think that maybe that's it. And so I'm very, I feel things very differently. Very deeply, very dramatically, very intense. Meaning I can get very angry, I get very happy. But I just, I'm in love with just people's emotions and their stories. And so maybe that's. But I feel the same way about you.

Everything you were just saying, I'm like, yes, you're. Yes, I feel that.

I feel like there's something. You're like the quintessential friend, like girlfriend that anybody would want to link arms with and be like, this is my pal. This is my girl.

Thank you for that. And I just, everything that you just said, I so understand because I think as a, at a young age I just experienced a lot of really unhappy people and I had, I was one of the, I had a light that was just like always on, but also could experience a lot of what they were feeling. You know, I think you. I took on a lot of their emotion but also was like I knew that I, I had something in me that had the power to kind of turn people's feelings around when I was with them. But that's, that's. While it's beautiful, like you said, it also can become your value. Yeah. A huge. And a huge responsibility and really exhausting and never giving yourself self space to ever be the person who breaks down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So, so what got you interested in. I know that you just said, you know, dealing with people's emotions and just, you know, really learning about how people function, what they're thinking. What got you really started in writing? Like what was that moment of oh, I think that I would like this.

Oh gosh, it happened so organically. Writing was not something that I really thought would become my career. It was my escape.

It's like.

It was so natural that it was like, I'm going to eat the most delicious plate of spaghetti for. And that's gonna be my career.

That's very natural for me, eating spaghetti like that. Yeah, I was like, yes, I get that.

It was just like stepping outside on a beautiful day and taking a walk on the beach, you know, it was, I think, the page as a child because there was so much happening. It just was my sanctuary. And I used to get into trouble because I would sit down to do my homework and I would start writing a story. An essay would come pouring out. I didn't know it was an essay at the time or just, you know, something like a work of fiction or a poem or song lyrics or whatever. It just. It was just my sanctuary and where I laid my heaviest burdens down, but it was also a playground where I played and where I found joy and beauty. And sometimes I think I felt led to illuminate my world if I was going through something and I was having a difficult time processing it. But then sometimes I would use it as a way to create another world if I was having trouble being in my world. Does that make sense?

Oh, totally. Absolutely. So what did you think you were going to do? Did you have an idea or.

I wanted to be. Oh, my gosh. I wanted to be Madonna when I was little. Yes. I wanted to be. I don't know, I was just very creative and I felt it was. It was. I was very rambunctious and creative. Thought about being a makeup artist, you know, a songwriter, performer. But writing was just always the thing that just called me back, and it was just so natural and. And then as I got a little older, I really became interested in journalism. Not just writing about my stories, but really exploring the stories of other people. And also my dad is a civil rights lawyer, so I kind of became passionate about. These are conversations that need to be had or this is an issue that people don't know about. I really became led to illuminate and inform. So I think that's sort of merged. Why? Which is why I'm now, you know, a magazine journalist.

That's awesome. How long have you been doing that?

Steadily, about six years.

Was it like unsteady in the beginning?

Yeah. Well, actually, we were just talking about earlier. I just turned 40 in August, which.

You guys literally, I was like, wait, you were like 10 years younger than me?

That's great. Well, you look extraordinarily young. You do, you do.

It's on recording.

I'M gonna listen again. Play it. My voice will be in your head every bad morning you have.

So.

Okay, not really. So I was always the person I was in school for writing and journalism in my 20s, so I knew that's what I was gonna do. But I also got a really great job with this cosmetic company doing events and promotions and things and I sort of just got comfortable in that. And I knew that I won some, a couple small literary contests when I was in my 20s. I did really well. Did, you know, some work on the newsletter in college? I did this internship with this mission trip and I did a lot of their brochures and the blog for it and all that. So I'd gotten a lot of little jobs, but so many people, including the people that I went to college with, people just believe that, oh, that's so far fetched to ever actually, you know, achieve, you know, writing for magazines or, you know, you're never gonna. Nobody. It's hard to make money as a writer, it's hard to be successful. And you know, there were times I just, it felt silly, it felt elusive. But something so deep inside of me was like, no, I really, this is my every intention. And there was. And then all of a sudden it just sort of like took root. I was actually maybe 32 and I was like, I'm tired of playing around. And I really feel like this is what I'm meant to do, this is what I want to do. And one day I'm going to be 40 and I'm either going to be that or I'm not going to, I'm going to hate my life or I'm going to be doing something that sucks or I'm going to be doing what I love. Either way I'm going to get there if I have the luxury of living that long, you know what I mean? And so I'm just like, I'm not going to, I'm not going to give my precious time anymore to work that doesn't fulfill me, that I don't feel aligned, that aligns with my soul's purpose, you could say. Purpose calling, just the truth of my soul. And I feel like if you have a passion to do something and it makes you come alive, that thing makes you come alive. And it also extends an invitation for other people to come alive, then how could it ever be wrong?

I love that. So you talked a little bit about seeing a lot of different traumatic things when you were younger. What are a couple things that you believe shaped you?

Oh my gosh. Are you ready?

I'm ready.

It's pretty heavy. It's pretty heavy. Well, to begin. So this sort of is a part of it. I don't know if it's entirely. These are micro traumas, and then there's a big one. I'm from a small, small, tiny town in Mississippi. I grew up in Nashville. We moved there when I was a kid. But I'm from a very, very Mississippi. And my family was extremely religious. Sorry, but a bit puritanical. You know, there was. I encountered not everyone, but parts of my family. I encountered, you know, some legalistic thought processes that were a bit oppressive to me that didn't align with me. And I was a very, you know, curious child. It wasn't enough for me to be told this is the truth and this is what you just believe.

Why? Why?

Why? It was just a very searching, rambunctious. I wanted to taste the fruit. I didn't want to just be told that, you know, that this is what you're supposed to. This tree is what you're supposed to eat from whatever. So that was. That was. Those were micro traumas, because that was very unsettling for me. Even though I have such a beautiful, loving family and they had the best of intentions. I have a beautiful family, but. But I never really felt aligned with a lot of people in my family because I felt like I was not a person, even from a tiny young age, to just believe something that I was told. I remember getting in trouble and being put in timeout by a Sunday school teacher because I raised my hand and I was like, this Bible verse does not make sense. So anyways, there was a lot of that. A lot of, like, fire and brimstone and just messages that scared me. And then when I was six years old, my family had a family furniture store business, and it was owned by my father's family. My dad and my grandfather and my uncle owned it, and my mother and my two aunts and my grandmother worked there. And my dad was actually running for mayor of the town at the time. And on election day, there was this insane freak explosion. And my mom and my two grand. My. My grandmother and my two aunts passed away, and my dad was elected mayor on the same day.

Oh, my gosh.

So my life became constant. I always say there were eyes on me all the time. It also made national news because it was such. There were seven people die. We had three employees in the store and. But, you know, four people in one family. A lot of my cousins, you know, older sister, a lot of children without their mothers. And it made national news. And we there, you know, there were a lot of. There were. For that town to be such a tiny town that never got any media coverage, it was a very big deal. So because, you know, my mom died and because all the women on my dad's side side into the family, there was not an adult in my life who was not saturated in grief. Saturated in grief. I mean, it was a time when no one was out, was without a saturated tissue in their hand. It was a time when eyes were lowered, staring at their feet in the recliner for hours on end. So that was extremely traumatic. And so I think that sort of. And then there are other traumas that occurred after. You know, just the aftermath and not understanding death at that age and being told, oh, your mom went to heaven. And so for a very long time as a child, I didn't really understand what that meant. So every time we would go to an off place, like an amusement park or a mall that we never went to, I would look for her because I didn't grasp. I mean, even as I grew older and I processed in my rational mind that she was gone, she passed away. She did not choose to, and she wasn't coming back. The imaginary side that had taken root. So there were a lot of abandonment issues and things like that.

Wow. Yeah. That is a lot when you don't even have the skills or coping mechanism or understand what's even going on around you. Yet I can't imagine how that impacted you, Just how you looked at everything growing up. How does that affect you with just relationships in general now?

Well, for a very long time, I had definitely had some abandonment issues, Even though I have my dad. Wonderful, wonderful, incredible, resilient man. Grandparents, my maternal grandmother, grandparents. I had a lot of family, but I think you get things in your head. And my dad remarried to an incredible woman. And I now have two brothers who I'm so incredibly close to. Have an amazing relationship with them, love them, can't even imagine my life without them. But I also think that trauma will bully and deceive you, and it will tell you things that aren't true. It will deceive you. I think trauma told me that I was leftovers from a life that went badly wrong. And I would never. You know, I was just the aftermath of so much sadness. And now my dad had restarted this new life, and I just didn't belong. And no one ever said anything like that to me. So that affected me. And I think that it led me to getting some very toxic dysfunctional romantic relationships. In my latter teens and twenties, I was, I was with a couple of very abusive men. One in particular is so extremely abusive because I think subconsciously I was so terrified of being abandoned that I knew they were so obsessed with me that they would never leave me. Which sounds incredibly which is really dysfunctional, really sick. But I didn't know that in a conscious way at the time, but I knew that. But I think that's what was going on. That sort of what drove me to to stay in those really sick relationships that that I had. I was so just I had such severe abandonment issues that I really had had to work through.

There are so many challenges to business that I don't want starting to be.

One of them for you.

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Oh, yes.

But. But I also think that it made me really see the value of life, the fragility. I definitely think I'm a better friend. I did meet my husband and have a wonderful marriage. I definitely think I'm a better wife because of the things that I've been through. And I think I'm a better mother. I mean, my daughter is eight and a half months old. And my journey to motherhood is very different than a lot of others. I did not have. I craved since I was 6 years old, that mother daughter connection, that bond that I lost, even though my dad did remarry. An incredible woman who is a woman who is a mom to me as well. And I love her so incredibly much. I still had a mother that I knew and loved and lost. And I think I was sort of searching for that. And I experienced four years of unexplained infertility before I got pregnant. And there was never anything wrong. I was really healthy. And it was not until. This is a true story. It was not until I just had this epiphany. One day I was lying on an acupuncture table and I was just like, do I deserve to be a mom? Can I be a mom? Because I think I felt like maybe there was something subconscious that I felt like maybe because I didn't have that, that maybe I didn't have the mother chip, that I didn't have the mother gene, the. You know what I mean?

Totally.

Or I think I was afraid that I would have a daughter and that history would repeat itself and I would leave her. There were all of these irrational things, but that makes sense in your shadow thoughts and that drive your life. And it was not until I had this moment on an acupuncture table and I just had this Visualization where I sort of, like, asked myself, like, do you deserve to be a mother? Can you find a chapel of grace within yourself to, you know, forgive yourself of years of mistakes and for, you know, just your past not being very jagged and for delaying motherhood and so many things. And all of a sudden I. I just was like, yes. And I'm not kidding you. Three or four weeks at the most, I was standing in the bathroom holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand. Yeah.

I've heard so many stories somewhat just similar around the. Just really looking at what a possible root thought is that's been driving you without even realizing it. And until we get quiet like that and just, you know, apparently someone's sticking needles in your face or wherever.

Right.

Yeah.

Oh, I know. Well, I think it was just being alone. And I had just started going to acupuncture, and I wasn't even going for that. I was going for. I'm a writer, so I'm always at my desk. Like I had some sort of a stick. Stiff stiffness in my neck. And so I went. And I'd only gone a couple times. And I don't know what it was. I mean, she would probably say that it was some energy that released or something. I don't know. But. But that little. It popped up and said hello, and I had to address it and I processed it and that's all it took. And I was pregnant. Now I'm a mom.

That is such a great story. I always think, because Chris and I are always. We want to have children soon, sometime. But it's so important to start collecting the positive stories around anything. I don't care if it's around children or around wanting to do something. Really focusing and looking for positive stories.

Yeah. That drive you. It's so important. And, you know, our shadow thoughts, like our subconscious beliefs, they drive the bus like they are in control. Really, like 98% of the time.

Yes.

I mean, which is why so many. I don't know if you've ever read any of Bruce Lipman's books. He's incredible.

Okay, which one do you love?

The Honeymoon Effect and the Biology of Belief. Okay. Just.

You have to read.

But he sort of explores that topic how a lot of times, you know, a new romantic relationship, everything is so amazing. And you think you've met this incredible person because both people are conscious. They're consciously picking out their outfits, consciously choosing their words, the things they tell you. And then life gets busy and you get distracted. And all of a sudden you see this Person like this eruptive personality, and you're like, who is that person? That's their subconscious person coming out, you know? But it can be applied to anything in life. Like, if you. You can. You can say that you can write out the affirmations and you can have, you know, set the goals, but if you don't deal with all of that subconscious programming and those shadow thoughts that pop up just when you really are about to reach for something or, you know, for me, I remember, and I didn't even know. I didn't even. This went on for years. We tried to get pregnant for four years. And anytime I would tell to take a pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant, there was always this sort of voice that was like this internal dialogue, like, well, it's not like it's gonna happen anyway. It's not like you're meant for this anyway.

Wow. All the time, over and over and over.

And imagine how powerful that was. And I had to tell that voice to shut the fuck up. And when I did, it did, and look what happened. But I have applied that to so many things in my life since. I mean, my career. So much has happened in the past year and a half. Almost two years or. Year and a half.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's been one of the biggest things that was like a. Whoa. I'm capable of creating what I want. Like a manifestation or something that happened.

Yeah. Well, I think I started writing for Oprah magazine, which is a huge thing. I'd written. I'd written. You know, I had a big story come out in Marie Claire actually this summer, things like that. I actually have a couple books that I'm in process of writing. Ooh. Tons of things. I mean, tons of things. But you have to really just decide that it's completely possible. And you also have to be ready to show up as the person who is ready to receive those things, too. I had to get ready to actually be a mom, you know? And in order to do it well, I had to know that I was capable.

Yeah. What had to go, like, what had to leave to be a mom? One of the biggest things for you.

Petty conversations, People who loop and repeat and doggy paddle and their drama the same every day, every week, every month for year after year after year. There is no space for it. People who are not. Are just chaos. Unnecessary chaos. Absolutely has to go. You have to trim the fat when you become a mom, especially if you're going to be a career mom. And I am. I'm a career woman. And A mom?

Yes.

And I don't have time. I don't even have time for my own bullshit anymore. Okay?

I mean, I'm not a mom yet, but it's true. Like, I've had those moments where I'm like, if you want to do this other thing, there is is. There is zero time to even be going back and forth in my head. Like, I don't have time to negotiate with myself like I used to. I'm like, we. There are no deals, right? This is what you're doing.

Oh, the biggest thing that had to go.

Yeah.

Oh, this is a big one. This is actually what we are planning to talk about. People pleasing.

Oh, yes. Go on, girl. This is. This was the whole thing we had. We had gotten into such a great conversation that I was like, you're coming on to talk about people pleasing. Let's go.

Yeah, you have to. I mean, it has to go for a multitude of reasons. Number one, I don't have the energy. I mean, shit got serious, you know what I mean? Like, I am responsible for a life, and I have a limited amount of time I have to my career, you know, Yes, I have my own aspirations, but I also am trying to create.

A future for her.

And I know that I'm an example for her one day if she grows up and chooses the path of motherhood. I want to serve as an example that, hey, yes, I can be a mom, and I can. I'm not going to. My dreams are not going to become an old abandoned house, you know, Like, I can still do whatever it is that I want to do. So that's very important to me. So by default, you just instantly have no more time for kung fu battles, the circus act of just like, are they mad at me? Is everything okay? Am I pleasing this person? You know? And also, here's one really big one. Since becoming a mother, I look at my daughter and I'm like, I was that. I was that. And I was that precious, vulnerable little child. And, you know, we grow up and society becomes. We become calloused and society becomes callous to adults. But inside every adult is that precious, vulnerable child that still lives on. And I was that. And so it has infused me with a different kind of appreciation for my own life. And I refuse more than ever before to betray myself, you know? And that's what people pleasing is. I mean, people pleasing is pleasing other people and denying your own wishes, your own truth, your own authenticity, self in an effort to please someone else, you know, you're suffocating your Truth. And that just. That loses its appeal when what life changes. Like something like becoming a mom, I.

Can'T even imagine because I feel like just facing those things without a child yet is still. That's still so big. It's almost like I'm kind of, you know, equating a baby with, like a dream that I'm inserting right now.

You should.

That's just as important. That's your. I have. I have other babies I'm trying to give birth to that aren't, you know, humans.

Yeah. And they have no. They have no time either. Like, if you're talking about writing books, you're like, I actually can't even think about that because it takes me out of this. So huge for people who, you know, people who are listening, who aren't moms as well. But also, this is so great for future. If they feel like they want to be. But as far as self betrayal, when does that. Like, how does it show up for you when you are like, oh, I know that this is exactly what I'm doing. What does it feel like? And then what do you have to do or say? Like, is it usually a tough conversation or what.

You know what? I am. Actually, I wrote an essay about this.

Okay, I'm not gonna read the essay. I would love to just have access to whatever files you have there in your phone.

Okay. I am not going to read the full thing, but I am going to read the intro because I think that it will answer your question. I think that this is what it is for me.

Yes.

Okay. The title of this essay is that Mask of People Pleasing is Smothering your Truth. So let me just. And you know, it can look like so many different things. It can look like avoidance. It can look like, you know, avoiding conversations that you really. You really. You really need to have. You know, it can look like being at a holiday gathering with a family member, and you both have such staunchly different political views and you're smiling and nodding politely while they're saying things that make your skin itch. You know?

Oh, God. I just. Are you.

Are you in my journal right now?

What is happening?

Okay, so I'm gonna read just the intro. Okay. And then I want to. I want to get your thoughts on this. Okay? Okay. So that mask of people pleasing, a smother in your truth. The phone rings. It's one of them again. One of those people whose presence feels like a cold, heavy chain. You glance downward at the glowing screen and everything within you pleads, don't answer it. Not today. But you take a deep breath and you brace yourself and you accept the call anyway. You always do. I need your help, they say. And for reasons you can never explain, you feel possessed to accommodate them. Them to gallop into their bad day like a knight on a white horse. To loan the money, run the errands, buy the presents and wrap them in shiny paper to entertain their dramas and pacify their lamentations. Sometimes even sweep their dusty floors and scrub their dirty dishes. Now you're staring at the clock, dreaming of that lunch hour. You'll no longer be having the one spin away from the world with your favorite sandwich. Instead, you'll be breaking, huffing and puffing through traffic in glorious pursuit of their rescue.

You.

It reminds you of the time you traded in that Netflix state with your blanket couch and bottle of wine for the unwanted dinner invitation, the one with the other person's gossip as the main course. You glossed your lips and zipped yourself into your party dress with a sense of dread as heavy as cement, all the while asking yourself, how do I always get myself into this shit? And before the night was done, your reserve of energy was hollow and dry. It's okay, though. You filled it somehow, sort of. But did you ever stop to ask yourself, wait a minute. Don't I have the right to say no?

What's making me cry?

Oh, no.

It's just so. We do that for years and years and years. Like, years, 20, 30, 40 years of my life have been like, oh, my God.

And we're imprisoned by it. We're slaves. We are hostages to that. And, you know, I think some of it. Here's what I think, and tell me if you agree. And I don't know if you had this process, the biggest thing that has helped me. And there are layers to people. Please. Like, it's not. You're not just gonna, like, have this light bulb moment and you never do it again. Like, we were just talking about. I have. I struggled in the last 24 hours, you know, with something. And you just have to re. Say, okay, this is the person I choose to be now. This is the person that I choose to be. But I think one of the biggest things that I did, and I actually did this before I had my baby. It was a few years ago when I really made a lot of progress in that role realm. I really did a lot of time travel to figure out where the people pleasing sort of disease took root in me. Because for everybody, it's different. And there could be one thing, two things, five Things, a variety of things. You know, just a dynamic, a specific relationship in your life that really, you know, something very codependent. Where did it start? And I think you have to figure that out. And then you sort of disempower it. Like, you make it smaller. You kind of give it a name or a face, like, you know, and you make it smaller. And that's what I started to do. So that anytime it would creep up, you know, doing that favor that I didn't want to do, or listening to that person's drama for three hours while I, like, needed to go to the bathroom, wanted to spend time with my husband, had 50 emails to answer, or maybe just didn't want to do anything at all, because that's what my soul, my mind, my heart needed that night. I would be like, why am I doing this? And I think for me, it came from, like we talked about earlier, learning from a very young age, experiencing trauma, that I figured out how to say something really funny to eject people out of their grieving and laugh. And that became, oh, that's my purpose. I can do that. That's awesome. It made me feel good. Some of it comes from just, you know, a combination of being from a religious family dynamic, being female in the south, that is a part of it, and, you know, abandonment issues, you know, feeling like if I don't say what this person wants me to say, or if I don't agree with what this person thinks, or if I don't abide by their, you know, follow, if I don't align myself with their expectations, they'll leave me. They won't love me. I won't. You know, I think that's 95% of it, don't you?

Oh, my God. So while you were talking, what just spurred for me was feeling like, you won't. I was raised extreme. I don't think we've even talked about this. I was raised extremely religious.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Really?

Yes.

So I was like, oh, I see you, sis. I see you, sis.

I see you. And I hadn't called it. You know, this might even be the first time I say it out loud without, like, saying it to other people. But truly, I wasn't aware because I always want to go back and because my family's still in it. I want to say I'm so grateful. I, you know, I want to, like, like, you know, make sure that everyone's okay. But truly, I experienced extreme religious trauma around small things going wrong that turn into big things or big things going wrong that turn into bigger things and just not feeling like I was parenting as much by my parents. Because you were also parented by all of these elders.

I want to hug you.

I know, but we'll hug in a minute. We'll chat about that after. And I think that I had. I felt like everything was under a microscope always. So just.

Were you afraid of going to hell and all? I lived in fear of going to hell.

I was. Well, ours was different. It was the world ending. I was afraid of that.

Of the Rapture?

Yes.

Okay. I don't know what religion.

I'll tell you.

Okay. Yeah, sounds good.

Most everybody knows. Okay.

It's okay.

Yeah. I just always, if anybody, you know, you know, girl, see this deep rooted, keeping someone safe.

Well. But also their journey and their choice.

And this was my. And one thing I'm very aware of why I talk about it in a certain way is this was my experience.

Absolutely.

I know so many people in this religion who are having a great experience, but I had something with, you know, if you are in an area or a lot of people are a certain way in one specific place or whatnot. Because I did find out later that being from a small town in that and then being from a bigger place is quite different. So just according to, you know, who's in your church or congregation, that's your truth. And it is.

You got to protect Lori's truth over protecting someone. You know, and if people get offended, what are they afraid of? What are they afraid of?

Yes.

I mean, or what are. What are they threatened by? You know, because. And that. And you're right, like I have the same thing, you know, I have my family. I'm so in love with my family, my grandparents, my cousins. I mean, they're precious. Like, I just talked to my grandmother this morning, you know, I. But what works for some people, you know, I think for me I'll just share, you know, I have again, I hate to keep using this, but it is my truth. I went to a summer camp. It was a very charismatic church. Okay. And I went to a summer camp about a year after my mom passed away or the tragedy happened. My family members passed away and there was this. There was a lot of emotionalism in this denomination sector of Christianity, just maybe a specific church or whatever. But there's a lot of emotionalism. It was very charismatic and they all gathered around me and I'm just like a seven year old girl laying their hands on me and yelling and speaking in tongues. And it was just scared me a lot. And so I Had a lot of. There was a lot of pressure to also do that. And I think for me, that worked. Some people that felt true, that felt right for them, and I honor that. And that's great. But the point is. That's not the point. It's not the point of knocking any religion ever. It is that. That did not feel. That was not aligned with what felt safe to me. It did not feel authentic and true. And there was pressure to behave in that when it didn't feel right to me. So that, I think, is the true betrayal of self. That's where the betrayal of self and that's the true. Just. That's the pain. That's the pain.

Oh, man. This is the deep stuff you're talking about. Like the not being accepted by the people who you love the most and.

You look up to and then guide you and that.

And yes, I know that are your means of connection to what you know as life and survival. It feels like survival.

Yeah.

Because I remember hiding, lying, like, doing whatever I could to not, like, get outside of this flock. Because I knew nothing. Especially if it's. And here's why I love talking about religion and this relapse or this also relates to everything else. Like when I meet somebody who also was in maybe a religion where their family was really in it, but it didn't feel like their truth, I'm like. Like, it doesn't. This doesn't need to be a religion. This could be your business.

Yeah.

This could be you wanting to go and fulfill this while you're being a mom or while this is the most important thing to you. That's in your heart and your purpose.

Yes.

And you feel like if you go and do this, that you are leaving how your family is, their beliefs, they're going to try to pull you down. They're not going to want you in the family anymore. They think that you're selfish. It's literally the same emotions. Because I've gone through both now. I've gone through. It's what so much I wrote. I feel like I spoke to so many people when I wrote my book because I wrote it as if it was from how I felt when I.

Was in Gorgeous, by the way, that.

Oh, thank you so much. But it came from that place of deeply understanding what it feels like to have to break a pattern within your family.

A deep pattern. Deep, deep. Where you, like, your identity is braided into it. That's. That you gotta, like, layer by layer, like. Yeah.

How do you even do that? I mean, like, how do you? Because there are people right now, you know, and we were chatting before this and it's a little past the new year and they had all of these big ideas of what it would feel like to live their truth and finally start stepping into this life that they know that they're called to. And so often, like you said, we betray that, we smother it. We can feel bad. We could actually feel bad about thinking we were going to do that. Cause maybe we feel selfish over things that we have to do. So how in the world do we start making room to start letting our truth come out and do the things that we wanna do and be the person?

You know, I just think it. Radical honesty, radical acceptance. And you start each day. Cause I feel like every person has an infinite number of truths. Like there's this whole movement right now, share your truth, be in your truth. I so agree with that. But like sometimes I have so many truths and they evolve all the time.

Totally.

And I give myself permission. And that's one of the things that I think it's so much of it, this whole thing that we're talking about is just fear. It's fear based. We want to be able to put people in boxes. Okay. I know what you are. I know what you stand for. I know the totality of who you are. You're not going to surprise me. You're not going to give me whiplash. You know what I mean? Like, we want to know that's what you believe in. That's what you're, you know, and it's like that's a little cramp for me. And I don't want, I don't want to do that to myself and I don't want to do that to anybody else. So I think, I think we've got to kind of start shedding our need to label ourselves so much, cram ourselves into boxes and do this Others, you know, do the same thing to other people. Don't you think?

Oh my God. So this is so funny. I have one right now that I can, that I can share. Putting myself in a box. And so the last few years, because I didn't in the religion I grew up in, I wasn't allowed to associate with anyone outside of the religion. So then in my, you know, then I got married at a young age age and my husband's freaking amazing. Thank God we grew together.

Thank. Good for you, sister.

That's rare, truly. But we have been through it.

Of course you have.

Yeah. And that's why it's good Right. Like, that's beautiful. That's why we were able to grow. And I found that. So when I was writing my book, I was like out in the world. I wanted to make all these friends. I'd never had, like these female relationships. I really got into some really deep female relationships still in them. But what I was finding is the more that I was teaching women how to do it, the more that I was having to be out and I was networking and I was feeling. So last year I hit this wall where I was constantly going and connecting with all of these incredible women.

Right?

Like mind blowing, amazing women. And I hit this wall where I was just like, oh, my God. I don't feel like I'm going deep with anyone. I feel crazy. I feel like I'm actually taking time away from the, the. These people who I've met and want to make meaning, really meaningful relationships with. Yeah, I'm not going deep with anyone anymore. I felt nuts. Like really associating was what just being out in the world and living in la. Oh, I'm just gonna be honest. Like there's something three nights a week here and everybody wants you to be at everything. And then especially they're like, she's the tribe girl, she's all about it. And now the girl who talks about connecting no longer wants to connect except deeply. Do you know what I mean? So I'm actually feeling so guilty because I'm so saying no, like three times a week right now to so many things.

But you're saying yes to Lori.

I totally am. But I'm feeling that box of feeling. I'm feeling worried about what people think. Like, oh, she talked about that and now she's not supporting people.

And you know what? You are so free to evolve. I mean that. Like, I wish I could just put that. I wish I could like put that on a sign and walk around and just carry it with me everywhere.

Yeah, totally.

You got a problem.

See this?

See said sign?

I'm not saying shit. I'm not explaining myself for the 50th time because I think I am allowed. You're allowed. We're all allowed to change our minds. I can change my mind about religion, about people, about food, about career, about a certain life stance, even if fitness, routine, whatever, as your life. The human experience is not. It's jagged, it's lopsided. You have to sort of change as your life. You know, there's going to be periods of expansion and periods of contraction and just because you sort of preach a certain ethos or have a certain mindset. Okay, then you're growing with your audience. You should be allowed and you should give yourself permission to grow with your audience as well. You know, and I think everyone should do that. We should be allowed to grow within our family dynamics, within our careers, within our workplace, within our friend group. That is. You know, I think the biggest thing about my marriage is we've been married seven years.

Awesome.

And it's better than it's ever been. And my husband is my best friend in the whole world. And we have not had. Every day has not been perfect, every month has not been perfect. We've had some. Some dark times. We went through infertility and we've come through a lot of things. But relationships are not defined by our success. Even any type of success is not defined by what it's like when things are easy, breezy. I think they're defined by how you come out of the painful periods of contrast, you know what I mean? And contraction and uncertainty and growth and evolving. Yeah, I really think, and I think that's one of kind of ties back to people pleasing as well, is we oftentimes a lot of it happens because people want to think they know you and that they don't want you to change. Sometimes people don't. They get really, really upset when you change. They want you to be a certain way. And when you show them something in contrast to that, it can make them really uncomfortable. And that's why sometimes growth and change and success and evolving can become very lonely because you start to get this friction and this, you know what I mean? For people who are very uncomfortable with you kind of tossing a foot outside that box, they put you in the box that you never even ask them to put you in.

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Okay, so here's the deal. All of those breakthroughs that you just heard, none of those people felt ready to be in that room. And I know you're sitting here thinking, I'm not even sure if I'm there yet. But let me tell you, you. If you make less than 499,000 a year, we want to lock arms with you to make your business explode and make you feel confident in all of the areas that you don't yet feel confident in. And I will tell you, as an entrepreneur, you never feel ready. You never, ever feel ready. It's all about taking that leap and showing up for yourself. So over the next five and a half months, we want to lock arms with you. And spots are super limited. So go over to fastfoundations.com right now because we want to work with you. We want you in this room. And as you can hear from the transformation, it is your turn now to have that same experience. So let's get back to the interview. So when I have. Because, man, I like to just really analyze the shit out of the box because it's so real. We put ourselves in a box, they put themselves in a box. And I think the people who are upset with you the most when you change are the ones who are so in prison themselves. Like, they've prisoned themselves a million percent. It's someone who's like, I don't have that freedom, so they can't have that freedom. And the more I free myself from my own box, the more I do not put anybody in a box. Like, it's almost to a place where no one can surprise me. I might be surprised briefly, but I don't. I really don't get surprised. Super shocked or anything like that. Even with close people in my life, I'm like, hey, I don't know what triggered that. That could have been years of needing for something to happen, and then you get to decide how you respond later. But I just. It's not that I think everyone's inconsistent. I think that everybody deserves to Be inconsistent sometimes. Oh, I love that. And to give them that, like, break, you know, so. Because I want it.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, we all want it. We all need it, you know? Yeah, for sure. Actually, I loved when I interviewed you for the Oprah magazine piece on how to deal with jealous friends. Yes. Which sort of like. Which is why we're here.

Yeah.

It went so well. I loved so much your. I can't remember exactly what the. What it was, but when we were talking about how, you know, let's say you have friends or a family member or someone in your life who's jealous of you, you know, you were sort of saying, like, commiserating, and let's say they're jealous because things are going really well for you and. And things are not going so well for them. And you sort of like, feel like you have to fall on your sword because you're like, well, shit, like, I can't. I can't, like, live out loud and, like, be happy and celebrate right now because it's making them feel worse about their lack of. The lack of what they desire in their life. And what I love so much. And it's so simple, yet so earth shattering is you said, and this can be applied to anything. You know, you don't do anybody a favor by, you know, not shining your light. You don't do anybody a favor by getting down in the dirt with them and being like, oh, you know, and just sort of like entertaining their drama and their, you know, saga of shame and lack and regret and whatever. When you shine and you allow yourself to shine, not in a boastful way, but in a truthful, authentic way that you deserve to shine, you by default, extend an invitation for them to, hey, get out of the gutter, you know, to do the same.

Yes, Yes.

I love that so much.

Thank you for that. It's. I think that's what it's. It's easier to want to connect in that way of falling on your sword.

And going down to their level in society. And I think, yes, it's very habitual.

And it's the idea that you will not be loved by that person. It goes back to the whole people pleasing thing. Even with that, even within jealousy or whatever that is, it goes back to, oh, my gosh, if I shine, this person is not gonna feel comfortable around me. How do I make them feel comfortable? And it's so much. I have so many phone calls just with family members that I'm like, don't join this, you know, where there's so Here's a question. Where's the place where. Where you are empathetic, but then you can move on and switch the subject maybe to something better or not be available for.

Dude, if you find the book. Hey, let me know. I was just talking to someone about this at a wedding on Saturday night, actually. It's really funny that you said that I am so severely empathetic. And I think it works very well for my writing. I really get. I feel other people's pain. I could never be a therapist because I would be depressed all the time. No, I could never.

Yes, I worry.

I hurt for people. I really carry a lot of that, you know, deeply. And that's the difference between sympathy and empathy. You know, sympathy is sort of like acknowledging and, you know, what that person's going through. But empathy is. You kind of take it on and. And when you take that on, it is. I mean. Yeah, I don't know. How do you pivot? How do you pivot and empathize in an authentic way and then pivot and move on? Because I'm actually in that right now with a friend who is just constantly going through a lot of things. A friend who I deeply love, but.

Who.

Creates a lot of their own issues, you know, problems. Although some things have happened that were not this person's fault, but there's a lot that they could do to end a lot of it, their misery, but they choose not to. And it's just this sort of. It's just like deja vu over in every conversation. And, you know, I have a lot of wonderful things happening in my life every time I talk to this person. It's nothing but negative things. And I truly. I'm like, gosh, I don't want to be an asshole. Sometimes I feel like I can't even share great things that are happening. And, you know, because. Because their things are not so great for them. And. And so, yes, that is hard. I'm sort of with you and that question. I would love to kind of explore that, you know, how do you empathize and in an authentic way. Because empathy is so important, we don't want to shed that.

You know, I think it requires a weird conversation that would. Cause I was trying to put myself in your shoes. And also some of the stories that I have in my head around what's in my life with that. And I think it will require. Because I'm going to do it. Gonna attempt it. It's gonna be attempts of failed conversations and some successful. And I think it's gonna Be really weird.

You have to be okay with that.

Yeah. And you have to be okay with that. Cause I was just thinking, how would that conversation go? And I was trying to think what the annoying initial conversation would be with your friend. And it's like something around, like, hey, I totally love you and acknowledge all of this stuff that's going on, and I am so sorry. Like, I see it, I get it. And at the same time, I want to be the friend who, while we can, you know, acknowledge it briefly, I want to be that one friend in your life who reminds you that things are good out in the world.

Yeah, that's great.

Something like that in. Is that gonna land great for them? Maybe not. Cause they're really in it. But your truth is coming out. And the more and more that I think that I and you and everybody else who's listening to this can start saying, like, start. Start dropping hints that they wanna be the person that can be the light for this person, or be the person that can be positive for them. Not just strong and carry their stuff, but be like. Like, hey, we can acknowledge it, but then let's look at what we can control and let's only talk about that stuff together. Because, like, there comes a point where there's no more. This actually just happened with my mom. I was on the phone with her and I was like, hey, talking about this. Like, we're actually not. I said, this doesn't feel like it's getting anywhere. Does it feel like it's getting anywhere for you?

I love that.

I love that. It was just like looping and looping.

And I was like.

Like, let's either just put it down the drain or stop circling the drain right now.

No, some of it, I think this. When you were talking, I was thinking, I think I have sort of been doing this with that friend and with others, you know? Yeah, it's. I've sort of allowed myself to not be so emotionally attached to every outcome. I used to be so emotionally attached to the outcome of everything I used to be for. And that really was very defeating when to go through life because. And now I'm not. I'm like, you know, sometimes, yeah, I need to be okay with awkward silence or offending someone, you know, or. And sometimes that means, you know, if not answering a text message or a phone call, you know, it doesn't mean ghosting a person. But you. You're not obligated. You're not a hostage to anyone else's drama or negativity. You're not. And yeah, people can get, you know, angry. They can jump up and down. They can, you know, whatever. And, and.

But you.

I think a lot of people pleasers are very emotionally attached to outcomes, obviously, that the whole. They're driven to please.

Yeah.

And that's sort of like shedding, like kind of break, kind of just assessing. Why am I so emotionally attached to the outcome of everything? Why am I. Why do I have to have this person approval? Why do I have to be at peace with everyone? Why do I have to end this conversation, every conversation? Okay, because sometimes being honest and being in your truth, that's not gonna happen. Not every conversation's going to end in a cordial way.

Oh, I just followed that spiral of why am I worried to speak my truth to certain people? And I'm not as much anymore at all. But if you would have asked me three, four years ago what my belief was around it. It was that if I tell this person or try to make a negative conversation, someone in a very negative pattern positive, or if I tell somebody that I can't, you know, maybe we can't keep connecting in this way. And this is not a healthy relationship set in something better with more. More time for me to think about. I would have thought this is how it would go. I was like, okay, if I say that they're going to think I'm a bad person, they're gonna tell people I'm a bad person, then r are going to get out that I'm like, oh, she's this writer who writes about all this positive stuff. Or Lori's a speaker who speaks of all this positive stuff, but she's full of shit because this. She's not even here for me when I do this. She's selfish.

She's.

So this is the spiral I'm in.

Yes, that sort of. Sort of. It, It. It sort of happened.

Yes. I think same when you start speaking your truth, it's going to happen. So with yours, what did yours look like when it happened? And how did you get yourself out of the spiral? Or were you like, oh, okay, this is what it feels like.

Well, I think I just was so fed up with it all. But I think also it's so funny because we just sort of spiral out and we have all of these hypotheticals and we're just like, oh, my God. And then everyone's gonna hate me and I have no friends. But actually, if a person, if you're engaging with a person, that's that difficult, other people see that too. You think they don't I mean, other people see that too. So I think that there's that one quote that sort of I've seen circulating a lot is that when a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control the way others see you. And that's.

Wow, that's good. Isn't that good? Oh, my God.

Right? I'm like, I'm feeling that all the way. But I think you. I think that I sort of hit a place where I was so fed up with the drama and I was like, you know what? I don't care. I am not going to engage with someone who I don't respect, who I do not trust, just because I don't want them to potentially ruin my reputation. None of the things that I was worried about happened. The person ended up coming back and wanting to get it in my good graces again very, very quickly. I think at the end of the day, you can't go wrong with, I mean, you. We all need to be self aware. We all need self, you know, reflection. And I remember in that period there were some things that, that I said, you know, maybe I could have done better, maybe I could have said better, maybe I could have handled, you know, reacted in certain ways better. But I think we can't live our lives afraid of, honestly, conflict.

Mm. Oh, okay. So this is what I want to ask them. So. So I think being people who, if you listen to this podcast, you probably are someone who's into personal development or you're very self aware or you want to uplevel or you're very conscious. And I think what can happen to people who are like that, like us, who want to be very conscious and up leveled and personally developed. There was this theme for a long time that like, and maybe this was in my head, but I want to see how you feel like if things are like you, if things aren't going well or you're attracting certain things in your life. So if you're doing something negative, you're like, why did I attract that? What was I thinking? What bad thing was I putting off?

This hyper, like you're so tightly wound.

Oh my God, if something goes wrong, there's something wrong with you or how you're coming off into the world. And I've come to the realization for myself now that the world is going to give you lessons in things that you're not necessarily even attracting, but they give you what you need in order to move forward. And they're not the best lessons for me have not been good and they have not Been fun. And I have not been a person who's like, oh, you attracted all that shit in your life? No, I needed it. I needed it to let go, to know what I was made of. To stop people pleasing to the heavens.

Just parted and truth is raining down. Seriously. No. How else would you know if you weren't presented, if you weren't, like, tossed a hard ball of difficult, how would you know that you've even grown? How would you. You have that appreciate, you know? How would you know? Hey, man, like, I. I took this opportunity to do it differently this time if you were never given the opportunity.

It's true. Yeah, it's true. I. I'm looking back over some of the toughest lessons, and it was. They're the kind that you. You know, and everyone has them. You're like, God, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Like, this feeling, and you feel like you're never gonna get through them. And you're like, God, why are you, you know, whatever you believe in, like, why are you having me experience this? And then when you. When you learn to let go of it, forgive it, or give yourself grace, it's probably one of those lessons.

Yeah.

You either need one of those, it's gonna take something massive, and it's usually gonna take someone super close to you. And it's typically for me, 99% of the time, gonna be someone who, like, judges my character or makes me feel bad about who I am as a person. And without those, I would never. Are you kidding? I wouldn't learn anything. Cause I'd just be like, I don't care about them. It doesn't matter. It's gotta be someone close to. To me. It's so weird.

You know what I think is so cool about the human experience, like, why it's so cool to be human? Is every single thing in my life that I have gone through, every obscenely awful thing, unthinkable thing, unfathomable thing. I mean, I've had abusive relationships. I mean, just so many things.

Okay.

And every awful thing, there has been something so gorgeously amazing on the other side of it. Only if I have been willing to receive it and see it. Life does not take something away from you or destroy anything without giving something of equal value in return. Every single thing in my life has been. Every awful thing there has been. There is a gift. You could break down everything in my life, life, and every person I know, you know, you have to be willing to see it. But if you're. If you're doggy paddling in the swamp of I can't believe this happened. This is awful. You're never going to see it. You're never going to see it. And I don't say that in a way where I lack compassion because I know that it's hard. You know, if you're going through your grieving, if you've been through something awful, I know that it's hard. But I promise you, whatever you have been dealt, there is something so the same to whatever degree of something awful you've experienced, the same degree of something amazing is right there. And I could just break it down for you. I mean, I had experienced outrageously unthinkable family tragedy. But I have two incredible brothers as a result. You know, they feed my life all the time. Two uncles to my baby girl, two brothers in law to my husband. They're super close. My sister in law, who I adore, it's like a sister to me. I mean, so many gorgeous gifts. Also just the way, you know, if I had not experienced that, I'm able to, I believe, appreciate and love my daughter even more. I have a perception of life that it's very. I realize how precious it is, how valuable it is, how important it is to love. You know, my husband lost his dad to a massive heart attack at age 16. And we have, you know, connected and bonded through having both experience. So there's so much beauty woven into my life as a result of everything horrific that's ever happened. That doesn't mean that I have to be grateful for those things, but I am grateful that I am. I am grateful that life never, ever, ever destroys anything. It never takes anything away. It never presents you with a hardship without giving you the opportunity. And the keyword is opportunity. Opportunity. Because that's something you have to receive for something so unbelievably gorgeous every single time. Every time without fail.

I couldn't agree more. And I think if you would just say where the opera what you do to see the opportunity. Is it shifting a question always. Is it shifting your stance? So what is a stance that you take afterward?

Like I sort of always start with who do I want to be in this situation? Like who do I want to be right now? I remember when I was going through infertility, I had an absolute meltdown in my kitchen. This was about four or five months before I conceived my daughter. And I just had grown up without my mom. I'd lost her in a tragic way. And I wanted to be a mom so bad. And it wasn't happening. And everywhere I went, I would see fertile wombs, like big bellies and breasts and women pushing babies around the park. I felt like I was the last kid standing on the playground begging to be seen and chosen. I felt so left out because I was like, I'm 38 now, and I want to be a mom. And not only do I not have my mom, but why is this not happening for me? You know? And I had a meltdown on my kitchen floor. I mean, I did. It was like, one time. I just, like, I'm not okay anymore. I can't keep being strong in this situation. And my husband literally scooped me up off of the floor. I hit just, like, rock bottom. And I was so. There was so much pain, and it was so bad that I couldn't tell sometimes if I was grieving the absence of my mom or grieving the absence of my womb. It was the same thing. It blurred together and. But what I did is I was just like, okay, what have I done? In every time in my life where I've been in an awful situation or I've put myself in an awful situation or something terrible has happened, I always go back to, okay, this is where I'm at. This is the truth of where I'm at right now. Who do I want to be in this situation? Who do I want to be? And that's kind of the. To me, that every time, that kind of represents the getting up, dusting off your knees, going, okay, okay, you know, who do I want to be in this situation? And when you just start there. Very simple, very simple. Just very little. Little. It'll just start tugging at you. Beauty. Little offerings of beauty will just kind of like start tapping you on the shoulder a little bit, asking for attention, you know, for me, infertility was an amazing gift because I have been able to comfort so many other women who are in it and encourage them. I'm so grateful to be able to do that. It has been having. Getting. When I did become pregnant, it was so skyrocketing and amazing after such a long stretch of not knowing if it would ever happen. It actually has inspired a book that I'm writing that I'm really excited about. So it has fed my life. It has fed me as a mother. It has fed the woman that I am. And it's also made me very even more compassionate about people who feel left out. Maybe not even necessarily infertility, but maybe they want love so badly and they feel like it'll never happen for them, or maybe they want to get out of debt so badly and they don't have any support and they don't know how, or they just feel like no one cares about them. Or maybe they're, you know, they want to own a home and they're 45 and they're like, when am I ever going to get it together? I don't know who I. What I want to, you know, still don't know what I want to be when I grow. It's, it's. I think that even though it was very painful to move through, the gift has been really being able to connect with people who feel left out in a variety of ways. There's so much beauty in that. And I'm thankful for the experience. I'm thankful for every experience because, you know, I was want to in life. I mean, the human experience, you can't even have.

Why.

How would life even matter if we didn't die, if it didn't have an inspiration?

You know, I know I go back and forth with that one and always it's like, it comes down to, like, wow, it really is. Makes you so much more grateful. Like, I don't know how people would think if it just kept going forever and ever and ever. It would be a very different mindset of how you even treat everybody.

You can't even imagine it, right?

No.

And where would the beauty be? Like, you know, because of death's finality, we, I mean, that's just like, when someone dies, we just like, feel, you know, we're incited to, like, celebrate them more than ever. We talk about their inside jokes, we talk about their funny quirks, their idiosyncrasies. We feel inspired to celebrate them when faced with the finale of their death, you know, and that's why it means so much. But you could apply the same thing to. To, you know, when bad things happen or you perceive that something really bad has happened. Okay, so what's the opportunity for beauty in this? And, you know, it's hard at first. You just keep asking yourself that. Sometimes you're not ready to even look at that question. You just, you know, you just, you keep letting yourself and you're. Until you're ready to sort of explore. But I think at some point, if you allow yourself to be in that place of possibility, just say, you know, just being open to. What is the gift in this? What is the opportunity for gift in this? Where could this lead me? Having moved through this awful experience, what could this be sparking in me?

Oh, that's huge. As you're Saying that it's like, it's always been those moments of just. Yeah. Willingness to look at it, and it's okay to be like, nope, not ready for that.

Exactly.

But could I be ready? Like, could I be ready down the road? Am I ready to feel. Feel different today than I did yesterday? Like, am I. Am I ready to give myself some sort of question or gift to feel different?

Right.

Because it's so easy to be like, nope, not ready. Nope, not ready. But, like, do you want to feel different? Yeah. Because that's going to require a different question and allowing yourself to look at it. But, man.

Yeah, you want to stay. You want to grieve this because you.

Know how to stay.

Yeah.

You are good at staying.

Really good at that. Really good at that.

Yes, Totally. Oh, my gosh. I could talk to you all day, literally. We'll have to do a part two.

Let's do it.

When is your book coming out?

Do you have any idea?

Are you just in kind of like the.

So I have two books coming out. One, I'm co authoring a book with a certain person. You know, I have. Because of my work, I've had to interview a lot of celebrities, and she has had to style a lot of celebrities and go on tour with them and groom them for. For music videos and a lot of things.

Carpets.

And so that book is about through a variety of narratives involving some of the people the world most idolizes. We're sort of. It's tentatively called the Human side of Hollywood. And so we're sort of exploring the misconceptions and fallacies and illusions around fame and wealth and power. Sort of a woke tell all, if you will. Not a tell all. There's no t. It's not like that. So that's coming out. I'm not quite sure. We're deep in the editing process of that right now, and that's very in depth because we have to get dates and facts and things.

Yes.

There's a lot of really narratives and, you know, and then the motherhood book is mostly written, so I'm hoping for 2020.

Oh, that'll be awesome. Well, you'll have to come back on, of course.

I'd love to.

For those that would be awes. All right, well, I want to tell you that I so appreciate you and thank God that you have decided to write because your brain, like, you guys, she'll just write, like, little things and like that vocabulary and the way that you say it. Oh, no, you are. You are truly, truly gifted.

Thank you.

And I think words are such a modality of healing for people, because the way that you say things is completely perspective shifting, and it's very easy to receive and also beautiful at the same time.

I feel the same way about you.

So you open it right up. So I'm so grateful to have met you. I've loved this last hour. We'll have to do it again. And I always end on one last question. Yeah. But first, where can we find you?

Follow you?

I'm like, oh, I forgot that one.

Well, so my Instagram is TheLaceyJohnson, and Twitter's the same, and I have a brand, TheWonderReport.com that I started just because I wanted. I write for all of these magazines. I write for Popsugar, Oprah magazine, Marie Claire. Written for a lot of. So you can find a lot of my work there. But I launched the Wonder Report, and I have a small team of writers just to produce content that is very positive but also kind of evokes curiosity and wonder, sort of looking at life through that lens. So you can find me there as well.

Ooh, awesome. I'm gonna check that out. Okay. And I always end on the last question, which is. What's my last question? Here it is. I only asked it 457 times. That is you are in passing with a complete stranger. It's like 30 seconds, whether it's on the street or in an elevator, and it's literally like 30 seconds. And they look at you and they ask you, how can I make myself happy? What do you say?

Know that your existence, your place, your. Your existence here on this earth is no accident. There are are jewels and treasures inside of you that are longing to be brought to life. And you will never regret honoring the truth inside of yourself.

And you can access all that if you stop people pleasing.

Yes. Yes.

Absolutely amazing. Well, I'm so grateful for you and you guys. If you loved this episode, make sure that you text it to somebody right now or you share it or we would love, love, love if you would share it on Instastore stories and tag both of us and let us know your biggest takeaway, and I promise you I will respond back to you. All right, you guys, until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that that would be absolutely amazing, and we would be forever grateful. Also, please Leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye bye.