489. He said, She said

When it comes to your love language, number one, make sure you communicate how you want to receive love. Number two, make sure that you also accommodate the way the other person likes to show love.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go.

Foreign.

Hey, guys, it's Lori and it's Chris. And we are back doing a bit of his and hers, kind of like a he said, she said. Because you guys have been wanting more podcasts from Chris and I, and here we are. We thought, what better way to do it than just to have coffee in the morning, Even though it's not morning right now, but have coffee in the morning and chill chat about all of the different things that are coming up in our life and all of the questions that you have.

You realize if we make this habit, we're going to have to give this, like, episode some kind of official title eventually, right?

I know. Maybe we should have people vote.

Oh, there we go. Okay. Find me on Instagram at Chris W. Harder. Find Lori Harder. L O R I and I want you guys to send us if we continue doing this, what you think the name of this little couple's podcast, random bantering thing that we have going on here should be?

Yeah. So here's the idea. It's a his and hers perspective. Effective, basically. And it's. We're gonna do it once a week.

On what it's like to be an entrepreneurial couple and like all of the things that enter into that entrepreneurial life.

And I'm so sorry, but quickies already taken. So I already have. I already have quickies on my podcast, so we can't do that.

All right, so I think some people sent you a question. Is that right?

Yes. So we're gonna start out with some questions. And this is from Anushri Gokail. So that is for her name.

That's something for you to say.

And she sent me some questions and I loved them. So she was talking about boundaries and she says ideas on how to say no in a loving way so your friends don't think you're trying to be better than them with your big dreams after saying no, how to let go of the fear that you won't be invited or included again.

So can I just point out that your dog, Slash. My dog is chewing a hole as we speak in this nice carpet right below our feet.

Can you answer that question and I'll grab the dog?

Yeah, give me your phone. I want to see the question. Seriously? He's digging a hole, you guys, in our carpet, in our podcast studio. This dog is nine weeks old, and so far, I can't tell if he's, like, the devil or if he's an angel or if he's sent here as a punishment or if he's sent here as a blessing. Because from moment to moment, it just goes back and forth. Okay, so the question was ideas on how to say no in a loving way so that your friends don't think you are trying to be better than them with your big dreams. Oh, this is such a normal thing that people face. Ideas on how to say no in a loving way so that your friends don't think that you are trying to be better than them with your dreams. And after saying no, how to let go of the fear. Well, listen, first of all, you're not going to get to your big dreams if you don't learn how to say no to those friends who aren't interested in growing at the same speed as you. And, you know, I always use this rocket ship analogy, except I used to use it when I was talking about Lori, when Lori was on a rocket ship and I was just kind of coasting. And it didn't take long to figure out that one day she was going to be way up here in the stars and I was going to be down here still. And there's going to be too big of a gap for us to have a good relationship together. Well, the same thing goes for friendships. Listen, you're meant to go somewhere, and you have a duty to go there. Because if you stay back and if you play small just to keep other friends happy who aren't ready to go somewhere yet, then that friendship is doomed anyways, because now you're going to be the resentful party that stayed back. So whether you go forward or whether you stay back, there's going to be resentment. It's either going to be resentment from you or resentment possibly from the friend. But who doesn't understand why you're quote Leaving them and doing big things.

Yeah. So this is really important. I love all of that. And you. This is why you have to keep building your tribe. This is why you keep adding new people who are. Are at levels above you is because there's going to be this transition period where you are most likely going to be leaving these friends. And this is the point where, you know, this is that, like, do or die point where people decide whether or not they want to keep moving forward and they want to keep going for their dreams or if they stay back because they don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. And it's that hard thing to tell people. Like, yeah, you probably are going to lose friends.

I don't think it has to be hard.

Did you lose friends?

Yeah, absolutely. But listen, it doesn't have to be hard. If you flip the perspective right now. You're. You're. The way you ask the question. Your perspective is, how do I tell those friends who don't understand why I'm going so far so fast that I can't go and hang with them and do the things with them that we used to do? I want you to flip that perspective once and say, how is it that it's okay for them to tell you that you should not chase your dreams and that you should not go pursue what you're excited about and that you're supposed to just stay back in the same habits that they have? Like, how is that okay? But it's supposed to be awkward when you're the one who just speaks your truth and goes where you're meant to go.

Yeah, it's true. But it's that point. She's just saying to do it in a loving way. And I don't know if there is necessarily what most people think would be love. There's no, like, hey, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'm transcending, like, there's none of that. So I guess in 11 there, there really isn't like a loving way besides sticking to your vision and just going and let it be okay if they don't go with you or if they don't like where you're going. Like, let that be okay. Don't take it personally. I think the most loving thing you can do is send that person love and let it be okay that they're upset with you.

The most loving thing you can do is to unapologetically go where you're meant to go because half the people you're right will be resentful. But the other half will end up being inspired by you going first and you setting new possibilities for your tribe of friends.

Okay, I've got another question for you.

Go for it.

What are some of the boundaries you have set with each other that help you thrive? This is from Marissa Hammond.

Well, we've got rituals and boundaries in terms of in the morning. We have our protected morning time that nobody can get into, right? So that's when we do our mantras, our prayers, our meditation, our workouts, our reading, our coffee and all that. So we start the day together. We start the day on the right foot. And then we do the same thing in the evening with the mandatory dog walks. Matter of fact, it happened today. I did not want to go on tonight's walk. I worked too long, too hard. I was too tired, I was too hungry, I was too crabby. I didn't want to go. And I tried to talk Lori out of it and Lori said, no, we're going. It's a mandatory evening walk. Well, that's a boundary, right? It's a boundary that we have with each other. It's a non negotiable that happens. It is a boundary that she upholds with me and sometimes I have to uphold it with her. And so when we decide something, it's not that we don't have weak moments, it's that the other person makes us stay consistent.

I love that. And I'm just gonna add number one, I love this question because there are boundaries. Sometimes we look at couples and we're like, oh, they just have the best relationship ever. But they've had a lot of tough conversations and boundaries that have been set. And I think a boundary that I set and you set is how we talk to each other. Like, we are not allowed to talk to each other in a way that is disrespectful or in a way that, you know, even recently, just with like both you and I, maybe with, we're going into like big places right now, just bigger visions for ourselves. And both of us kind of take turns like slipping into lack or fear. And you'll catch me and be like, no, no, like that's not how we're talking or that's not what we're doing. And I'll catch you and be like, I can't. This is not where I can be right now. I can't be hearing this. So I think boundaries, even with the conversations that you're having and what you allow into your life, so we keep on catching each other because we have boundaries around like, that's. That's, like, not acceptable in our lives. Like, I won't tolerate that type of language. And it happens. But we have loving boundaries around that.

Here's a boundary, by the way, true to this question, that you do so well that I'm trying to get better at, you've got really good boundaries about not being afraid to say no to people when you feel like we've been doing too many things and you just want to be alone. And here's the problem with living in la, by the way, especially Santa Monica. It's a destination for everyone, for business, for vacation, for events, for everything. So seemingly, when one person who's an acquaintance comes out and they're like, oh, I only get out once a year, I would love to see you. That makes sense. Except then you have to understand from our perspective that that's that Same example times 10,000 people who also come up once a year and want to see us when they're out here and happen to be in la. Right. Because we live here. And so Laurie is really good about setting that boundary, saying, sorry, that's our protected time. Sorry, we're not doing anything that night. Oh, sorry. Wish it would have worked out. And that's a boundary I wish I could get better at.

Well, I think you're getting better at it. And there's also some other boundaries that just came up for me that we have had in the past is like, sometimes we've gone out with couples who both of us are like, okay, so that felt pretty, like, low vibe, or it felt like they weren't really even into each other. Like, they were kind of picking on each other. And we just make a boundary. Like, that's not the people that we want in our lives. Like, together, we're making this boundary of we're deciding to have couples who uplift each other and really support each other. Like, I don't want to be sitting across from some couple that's talking shit about each other. Like, I feel so weird. I'm like, your partner. Like, you're literally not supporting your other half, meaning, like, you're not supporting yourself. It's the weirdest ever. And that's just a boundary for us. Like, I'm not even going to have those people in my life because I don't even want that. I don't want the drama.

Yeah. It's a great boundary, actually. And this is the one that you and I see eye to eye on, like, big time. If. If someone is not vibing high.

Yeah.

Then we set the boundary that they're not allowed in our life. Listen, they can be a good person and still be kind of low vibe. And we don't invite or tolerate low vibe in our life.

Totally. Hey guys, this is the perfect spot to take a break because I have to tell you some exciting news. Our famous Fast Foundations mastermind is open again for enrollment. This is a mastermind that my husband, Chris Har Carter and I put on for entry level early stage entrepreneurs. And this is the only way to be able to work with Chris and I together in a room in person. I can promise you that this is literally one of the best masterminds out there for half the price. But I want you to listen in to some of these transformations that happen when you are in the room. And you guys know if you listen to this podcast that I always tell you, just show up for for yourself and get your butt in the room. So listen into these.

My name is James Dunn and Fast Foundations gave me a family of like minded entrepreneurs that I know I can count on for support, for guidance, and to help get me through any challenge I'll ever run into in my business.

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Okay, so here's the deal. All of those breakthroughs that you just heard, none of those people felt ready to be in that room. And I know you're sitting here thinking, I'm not even sure if I'm there yet. But let me tell you, if you make less than 499,000 a year, we want to lock arms with you to make your business explode and make you feel confident in all of the areas that you don't yet feel confident in. And I will tell you as an entrepreneur, you never feel ready. You never ever feel ready. It's all about taking that leap and showing up for yourself. So over the next five and a half months, we want to lock arms with you. And spots are super limited. So go over to fastfoundations.com right now because we want to work with you. We want you in this room. And as you can hear from the transformation, it is your turn now to have that same experience. So let's get back to the interview. I have another question.

Go for it.

Let's see, we've got what is each of your love languages and how do you show it to each other every week?

Mine, the way I want to receive. My, like, the. Because don't you have a love language? You like to get. Show love in and then get love in?

Yeah, you can't. Sometimes they're the same, but I think mine are different.

Okay, so what I like to receive is physical touch, like cuddling and just getting your attention. And what I love to give is words of affirmation and acts of service. So. Oh, my God, Lori's chasing the dog right now. I wish you guys could see real life. She just had to take her headphones off, run across the room, and chase this little cute marshmallow from hell.

I'm back. He'll probably chew on the microphone.

Yep, that's exactly what he did.

Okay, so my love love language is definitely words of affirmation. Yep, for sure. And I also like. But I like to give in a different way. Like, I love giving words of affirmation, for sure. But I like doing acts of service and giving gifts to people. That was a big one for a while. But it's funny. I don't want gifts, like, at all. You totally know that.

Oh, for sure. Here's what's interesting.

Even from friends, I'm like, please, no, don't give me gifts.

One thing you have to know about Lori and I is this is another good example of choosing to learn each other's love languages and then choosing to not only show love in that way, but also receive love in that way. So here's a really good example. When we first met, I love opening doors for her. I love doing. Well. What's that word when you're being a gentleman? Why am I having a mind blank all of a sudden? Oh, my God. Chivalry.

Chivalry, yes.

Chivalrous acts, right?

Yep.

And I just feel like that's the way men should behave. Except Lori hated. She's like, I can get my own door. And she didn't, like, want to wait for me to go and get her door.

Just. It seems so stupid to me. And now I love it because I. I realize that that's what he loves to do. I realized that that's how he loves to show his love. And that when I would say, say, oh, that's so stupid, I can do it myself. Thinking that that was actually a favor and trying to be, like, you know, confident and independent, and that's really how I felt that it was actually kind of. It was actually hurting his feelings because.

Robbing me of the way I'd like.

To show love, robbing him of that. So I started, like, allowing it and just leaning into it and being like, yeah, let him, you know, pull out your chair. Let him open the door. Let him hold your hand. Let him help you down the stairs. Even though that seems so Gone with the Wind ridiculous. And now I'm like, please, sir, help me down the stairs. I can't get down these stairs by myself.

Remember that. You can't get downstairs without me. Oh, my God. Does anybody want a Sheepadoodle? Nine week old Sheepadoodle?

No, no, no. We can't get away.

You're not ready to give them away yet.

Oh, you little.

I think there's a really good lesson there, though. When it comes to your love language. Number one, make sure you communicate how you want to receive love. Number two, make sure that you also accommodate the way the other person likes to show love. You know, one more is, ooh, that's so good.

So true.

I love, you know, the way that I like to receive love is physical touch. And Lori can't stand me cuddling her in bed. You've gotten better about it.

I can't. Like, just when I'm sleeping, she, like.

Starfish sprawls out and I have to ask permission for one of my toes to touch one of your toes.

This is true.

This is true.

Not permission. You. Yeah. You're just not allowed to touch my toes if your feet are cold.

Right. So I'm the one that. I'm not kidding. I would sleep best if she just laid right across me.

Yep.

Or right on me. I would sleep best. She doesn't want to be touched. And so we've had to have really great conversations around her. Having to come to the middle, so to speak, and letting me cuddle her for a while. And then me having to understand that this chick needs to starfish and doesn't want to be touched after that.

So we've worked around, like, how's this going to work out? Now we do audible and, like, cuddle. And then when we're done and we're like, tired, then it's time to separate.

If people are wondering, what do you mean we do audible?

We listen to an audible book while we cuddle.

Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

We audibly cuddle before we go to bed.

It had the chance of sounding really cuddle. Yeah.

So. But how do we show it each week? I. That's. It's. Everything that we're talking about is we have conversations around it. Like if I. I think I just said was this last night, I was like, what did I say? I was like, I need, I need a walk or I need attention. Like my needs aren't being met. Like I was feeling like I wasn't getting enough attention and I needed to go on a walk and connect. So for me, that was just like holding hands and talking and giving each other like those words of affirmation on our walk, back and forth, just like, where you at? How I feel about you, how you feel about me. Like I needed, you know, like, I think when you're just doing, going for your dreams together too, it's always nice for your partner to like see you and notice all the hard work that you're doing because it's kind of the only person who's like telling it to you.

It's true. I showed you my schedule, my calendar in the morning and I said, I just need you to see this and acknowledge the kind of effed up, crazy day I have. And I just needed acknowledgement. Totally.

And I sat and I, I could have been like, yeah, babe, I know I'm busy too. Believe me, that's that. What? That would have been my three year ago answer. Maybe four year ago. And now I know that if I'm doing that to you, I really want you to look at it like, so I looked at it and I was like, oh my God, if I was in that schedule, how would I feel? And I let myself go there and feel it and think about it and remember when my schedule was like that 247 during my, my book launch and I was like, oh my, this is insane, Chris. This is what my schedule was like when I was like this and this is how I felt and I see you and how can I, like, how can I. Maybe your husband doesn't understand icu, so you could just say I totally get it and what do you need? Like, what can I do to support you during this? And I think it was like.

I.

Was supposed to get you lunch and I didn't.

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One more but I did fill up the gas tank in the truck And I went and got groceries for dinner and cooked you dinner.

Gold star.

Yeah, thank you.

Two gold stars.

I want to be seen right now for that.

You want words of appreciation?

Because I feel really bad I didn't get you your lunch because I was really busy today.

Yeah, I survived.

Okay.

All right, so one more set of boundary. I think that's really important now. The dog, by the way, is eating this amazing. Stop it. Expensive pillow. You little crap. So one more boundary while Lori runs across the room again to pick up this little furball from hell. Is boundaries around your finances. And this is really important, right? My show talks so much about money, and you have to have boundaries around your spending habits, your budget, what is your acceptable number, so to speak, to spend without talking to the other person first and vice versa. And you have to establish those boundaries and establish that communication in your relationship, and then you have to respect it. Because what can happen is if one person places value on security and really places value on being frugal, and if the other person places value on freedom and the freedom to spend and buy what they want, maybe they view it as a reward. That's a relationship that is headed for a lot of trouble and possibly one that's doomed. And so you have to set those boundaries around how often you talk about money. We recommend monthly money dates and what your spending thresholds are and when you don't have to ask the other one for their input on spending money and when you do have to ask the other one.

Yeah. All right, guys, I think we need to wrap this up because I'm not gonna lie that I just cleaned up pee from the dog and I took a wire out of his mouth. So.

So now can I give the dog away yet? Anybody want to sheep a doodle?

You're not giving this dog away. You really want to give the dog away?

Only half the day. The other half of the day I want to keep them.

Okay, so we're not giving him away, but we are looking for a babysitter.

We're looking for a dog nanny.

We're literally googling dog nanny la. And believe me, this is the place to Google that because there are plenty of them and we are getting one.

So we're getting a dog name. So if you know of anybody that lives in LA that wants the sole job of playing with bananas, the nine week old Sheepadoodle full time, which is five to six hours a day, five days a week, and all you have to do is play with this dog in the backyard, send us a DM and your resume.

All right, guys, we have to get going for real because of this animal, but thank you guys so much. Let us know what questions you have. I'm actually going to throw up some Q and A, which is how I got these some Q and A questions so that you can put them down here for next time. And we can totally do a review of the week on this one too, if you want.

Without a doubt. Make sure you let us know if you like this episode. Hit us up on Instagram, hriswarder or Lori Harder. And by the way, don't forget, we are halfway through enrolling our Fast Foundations mastermind for early stage entrepreneurs. And if you're wondering what early stage means, it simply means those who are in the first five or six years of their business and making less than a half a million dollars. As an entrepreneur, I know that you might hear that and think, whoa, early stage. That's a home run. Yeah, but trust me, in the grand scheme of things, that's still considered early stage in entrepreneurship. And we want to grab your hand, lock arms for five months, put you in the perfect tribe, and move the needle on your business. If you're interested, go check it out fastfoundations.com that has an essay at the end. Fast foundations.com can't wait to see who we work with.

Bye guys. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your head happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think. Tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really, really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye Bye.