490. Questionably Awesome - Your burning questions about COMPASSION answered

A boundary is only going to work if you enforce it. Like, you don't just have it. You don't just say it once. You don't just have this conversation once. It's literally like putting up a fence and it falls apart every night. Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Foreign. Welcome back to another episode of questionably awesome, where everything we say could be questionable or awesome. And I'm with my co host mostly always awesome. I am with my co host, Evans.

Hello. Good morning. Hello.

Good morning.

So how was your weekend?

It was really nice.

Do you know why I would love to know?

Because it rained in California and I like a little sunny Sunday rain shower.

It was awesome. I loved it. You want to know why?

Why? Yes, I do.

Here's why. Is because we have to stay in. We are in doggy jail right now with a new puppy and we can't leave the house for more than two hours. And when it's sunny out, it makes me want to leave and feel like I need to be a part of life. And it finally just rained and I was like, thank God. I finally feel like I can just be indoors. Zero guilt. It's. Isn't it crazy? You feel guilty in California when it's sunny all the time. I'm like, I love it. And equally when you feel lazy, you hate it. Because everyone is out running a marathon every day here.

Every single day.

That's what it feels like anyway. Every hour. And I'm like, good God, can't you just be lazy for one weekend? Some Twizzlers. My God, stop hiking already.

How's puppy jail?

You're in the thick of it. It's great. And it is horrible. Like, I'm gonna be honest, it's awful. We were up, you know, four or five times last night. Yeah, I'm not sleeping. I feel like I can't leave my house. It's a burden. Like, it's just crazy. But I love him.

Yeah.

Thank God. Or he'd be out. Yeah, it's. It's real. People have written me, and they're like, oh, my God. Actually, when I got a puppy, it was harder than my kids. I was like, oh, okay. Well, that's great. But I remember feeling this way. I just thought I was younger and that I couldn't handle it and all of these different things, and now I'm like, oh, yeah, it's just how it is. That's right. Cause he's so little, he can't hold his. You know, he can't. He has to go to the bathroom every, like, two hours right now. And I forgot about that with George. That was really hard.

I cried a lot when George was a puppy.

Yeah, that's happening.

Just hang in there.

It's worth it. It's crazy. And we travel a lot, so then I feel bad about, like, burdening people with, you know, watching the dog. Sorry. I just watched Evan's eyes go a little bit crazy for a second because.

I think his computer just died.

And I was like, wait, I need my quote. Okay. Do you have a quote?

Yes, I do. It seems kind of depressing, but I think it'll. I think it'll come around at the end.

Hey, you know what? Life isn't all rainbows, so bring it. Bring it, it says, and I.

It's by no one. On particularly rough days, when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is a hundred percent, and that's pretty good. It's from the Hoda Kadwi book, so.

Let'S find no one. I hold a copy. Never mind. I just saw it below. Well, thank goodness you're in the clear. And that wasn't somebody else down there that you're like, wait, I didn't want to quote that person there before.

That sad. That's kind of sad.

No, that is not sad to get through. Do you feel pressure that you have to be happy all the time?

Yes. Do you?

Yeah, But I'm getting. I'm feeling less of it because I just need to be able to, like, be human. And I think this podcast is a great spot for it. So let her rip. Like, we were on our mastermind this morning. I was on a call with Danette and Lindsay, and honestly, we were all kind of like. We just all need to say how we feel right now and let it be okay. Is that okay? And we're like, of course. This is the Perfect space for it. And then once you've said it, you're good. Like, you can actually figure out what needs to be done. Like, if there's a feeling of being upset or depressed or anxious or whatever that is, that's just a sign. That's just a thing that says, hey, look, this needs to be done different. What. What attention do you need to give to this and how do you need to pivot? So what in your life made you select that quote that is making you need to bring attention to something?

Oh, just, you know, longer work days have made me a little anxious because we have big things coming up.

Yeah.

Which is very exciting, but also can be a little stressful. Everyone knows that feeling. And then, you know when you feel.

Like you're like, ah, I just got.

Home and now I have to do this and blah, blah, and you're just constantly doing that noise.

Yeah. Yeah. It's because your personal time and your rituals and the things that need to get done are feeling, like, pressure. Yeah. And you're not getting time for them.

Yes. Got to make time for them.

Yeah. It's just a season, though. I always have to remember that because right now I'm just in a season. I'm like, this is just a season of figuring things out. I'm in a place of feeling really frustrated all the time because I don't know what I'm doing. So it makes me feel. You get tired because you are in fatigue, decision making fatigue, and also fatigue of learning new things. Your brain is so. My brain is so exhausted that it's like, then we go, why am I so tired? I'm not. I don't feel like I'm doing anything. But you're doing a lot of new things. So if there's new things, if there's big things, you're going to feel that. And it's just. That's where you need to bring in you and I just need to bring in some grace right now. Amen. Let me read this quote. What did I pick here?

Ooh, I'm excited.

So you said yours was negative, so I picked a negative one. But yours wasn't even negative. So everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. Oh.

Oh, ain't that the truth?

Yeah. I'm trying to think about. Oh, yeah, totally. Like, there are some people who are in my life that I'm like, why does this person always feel like they need. Not even. They're not even in my life. They're actually in my instagram.

Life.

Oh, yeah. But it's like you're like, kind of the same. Yeah.

I feel like I know everyone on my Instagram.

I do too. All 10,000 of them. Yeah.

Like, oh, Oprah, did you see what she did this morning?

She's not a reflection of my irritation, though. But I do know what Oprah did yesterday, if you asked me. Yeah. She was doing her super soul. She's on tour right now. Oh, yeah, I know. We need to go. Yeah, we should go. We should be so fun going. All right, so now that we've. Now that we figured that out, just. People are always a mirror. Always. Like, why is that irritating me that this person feels that they need X, Y and Z attention? Well, probably because I also. There's a deep need for me to want to feel seen and feel loved and feel like, needed, desired. You know, all of those things that when you look at somebody who is, like, making sure that they get that attention, however that looks.

Yeah.

You're like, why do you need to do that? Why do you need to put your butt on Instagram 24 7?

And then you're like, I actually wish my butt looked like that.

Yeah.

I'm like, well, well, well, you can. You can have that attention too, if you want. I guess. Yeah, it's totally fine. And more power to you if that's how it needs to be.

For real.

No, I really, really mean that. That's the reflection of me that is like, hey, to each. Whatever works. And there's a season for everything, and there's a chapter in your life for everything. And that's what we forget is we're just seeing, like, pieces of different people's lives in different time. And you're not in that particular season. So it's like allowing people to be in their season and letting it be a great thing because it's serving a purpose somewhere. It truly is.

It really is.

Do you have a cue? Oh, yeah. A review.

A review. This is from Vanessa Byer.

She says, hi, Vanessa.

Hi, Vanessa. Hello, lovely ladies. I recently stumbled upon your podcast while looking for something to keep me going on my self love journey. I. I was hooked when I heard the podcast where Laurie started to sing. It's time for the percolator.

Oh, God.

Referring to the song and not the coffee maker. I laughed uncontrollably while I was on the treadmill at the gym. I was that weirdo and decided that this was my weirdo tribe and Lori was the weirdo leader. Mind you, I'm known as the weirdo Magnet and have had many random conversations with people who want to tell me everything. Must be a Wisconsin thing. Thanks for bringing the California sunshine every day.

Oh, Vanessa, that is like the most amazing review. I think my favorite thing is when they share, like where they're laughing out loud and being like total weirdos. It's legitimately my favorite thing.

Me too.

Because I just, I do it all the time. Like I'll be on a bike path or whatever type of path. I don't really bike. I'm running on the bike and I just will burst out laughing and people kind of look at you. But I think now, now people know you're probably listening to a podcast or talking on the phone and I fit right in. I was gonna say, who am I kidding? I'm actually fitting in and I'm probably helping myself by keeping people away from me. So it's great. So thank you for that review. Make sure that you email customer.

Customer service.

Customer serviceaurieharter.com you did great. Thank you. I'm so glad you remember all the emails from your time spent on the team.

I will Never forget.

Customer serviceloriharder.com we're going to send you something really cool.

Nailed it.

Oh, you're going to love it.

You're going to love it so much.

Hey guys, this is the perfect spot to take a break because I have to tell you some exciting news. Our famous Fast Foundations Mastermind is open again for enrollment. This is a mastermind that my husband, Chris Harder and I put on for entry level early stage entrepreneurs. And this is the only way to be able to work with Chris and I together in a room in person. I can promise you that this is literally one of the best masters masterminds out there for half the price. But I want you to listen in to some of these transformations that happen when you are in the room. And you guys know if you listen to this podcast that I always tell you, just show up for yourself and get your butt in the room. So listen into these. Hey guys, my name is Michael Dash and Fast Foundations really helped me get clear on my coaching strategy. They also did a great job in giving me some creative ideas and I specifically credit Chris and Lori to coming up with some fantastic strategies. It is a no brainer to join this mastermind. Fast Foundations was awesome. Hey, my name is Jackie Servis and.

The Fast Foundations Mastermind helped me to.

Ignite my business and see rapid growth financially while staying aligned in both business and life. Fast Foundation's mastermind not only helped increase my financial literacy and improve my digital marketing skills. But the power, the true power, was in all of the relationships built and.

The collective knowledge of the other mastermind participants.

Okay, so here's the deal. All of those breakthroughs that you just heard, none of those people felt ready to be in that room. And I know you're sitting here thinking, I'm not even sure if I'm there yet. But let me tell you, if you make less than 499,000 a year, we want to lock arms with you to make your business explode and make you feel confident in all of the areas that you don't yet feel confident in. And I will tell you, as an entrepreneur, you never feel ready. You never, ever feel ready. It's all about taking that leap and showing up for yourself. So over the next five and a half months, we want to lock arms with you. And spots are super limited. So go over to fastfoundations.com right now because we wanna work with you. We want you in this. And as you can hear from the transformation, it is your turn now to have that same experience. So let's get back to the interview.

Also, speaking of love.

Yes.

There are a lot of questions on compassion.

Let's do it.

Okay. This is from Sarah A. Rango. 99. How do you create boundaries that allow you to see what's possible, but stop comparing.

Oh, okay. Help me with this one, Evans. How do you create boundaries that allow you to see what's possible but stop comparing? I'm not sure I understand.

Wait, I'm trying to understand this too. Okay. I think.

Okay.

You don't want. She obviously doesn't want to compare herself to other people.

Yep.

And she obviously wants some boundaries. Those are the two things I'm able to take away from this question.

So let's just do the first one.

Yeah. How do you create boundaries?

Okay. How do you create boundaries and. But I'm confused.

That allow you to see what's possible? Oh, so maybe she has to extend her boundaries.

Oh, I'm thinking what's possible for her life. So let's just go with that. Let's say, how do you create boundaries that allow you to, like, live into your vision? That's what we're going. We just changed your question. I like that you changed your question. Boundaries are one of the most amazing conversations because it's going to give you freedom. And it's also the most difficult because you're going to lose people and feel some pain for a while. And boundaries, again, are something that have to be Enforced all the time. A boundary is only going to work if you enforce it. Like, you don't just have it. You don't just say it once. You don't just have this conversation once. It's literally like putting up a fence and it falls apart every night. Put it up every single day. So how do you do that to see what's. A boundary is going to give you your complete freedom on everything that you want in your life. Like, oh, this is so great. So I was just talking about this on the Mastermind this morning.

Oh, nice.

And my friend Lindsay said anger and frustration is a sign that a boundary needs to be made.

That is so true.

So if you're feeling, like, frustrated or you're feeling like you're not reaching your dreams yet, but you're feeling it's because of an outside force, not because of you. You need to look at your life and see where you need more space. And the only way to get more space is to create some sort of boundary. Sometimes we even have to have boundaries with ourselves. Like, okay, whether that means, like, stopping. You're not going to watch Netflix for these four nights because you're going to work on something for a while. Like, a boundary is an extension of where your dream can. Can go. So it's kind of like you need to push that boundary out as far as you can to give yourself more space. But that's going to be tough because that is. That includes conversations with people. Yeah.

And doing work.

Tough conversations.

But it's worth it in the end.

It's always worth it. What's our next cue?

A next cue is from at. Sarah Underscore loves underscore carbs.

I so feel her on a deep soul level. Me too. I love cars. Lori loves carbs, too.

Evans loves carbs. Sarah says compassion fatigue, period. It's very real. Have you ever experienced it? And how did you get over it?

Yes, yes, and yes. This is such a good question. This might be one of my favorite questions. I wrote a chapter about this in my book, and it talks about caring less. So in order to care more about the things that actually matter and to create all of the goodness in the world that you're meant to put out, you actually have to care less. Meaning you need to have your handful of people that you can probably, like, literally count on one hand who mean the most to you, and you only need to care about. This is going to sound crazy to some people. They might get pissed about it, but it's just real life. You only need to really Care about what's going on with those people. And that's it. Everything else, you need to send love immediately. Like if it comes up in your realm. But I can't get stuck. Here's the thing. Here's what I used to do when I would have, like, extra time or sit and sit on Instagram or Facebook, especially back in the day, for too long.

Oh, yeah. I'd be like, those days, oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh, my God, these dogs all need help. Oh, my God, this dog got abused. Oh, my gosh, this child. Oh, my God. So three hours would go by and I would be in so much pain. I'd be so upset at the state of the world that I would do nothing good. Like, nothing. So here's what I do. Like, I have my one, I kind of have the one to two things that I want to focus on to change in the world. Whether that's a certain charity that I'm working with or those are different problems that I'm looking at. Like, I. I can't give myself to all of these different things that are going on, or I will have nothing left. Not even for my husband, not for my business, not for my life. So I really believe that we have to get a little bit. And I don't want to use the word selfish because that's not the right word. You need to narrow your. Where your energy is going. You're just being more mindful, being more mindful. And if you can't move the needle on something that you are giving your attention to, pull your attention away from it and put your attention somewhere else that you can move the needle. Because I only wanna give my attention to the things that I can actually change. Or you will be so exhausted, you'll be in so much pain, and you'll think the world is a terrible place. That's why the news, like, no, if you're a caring person, don't watch the news. You'll be so tired and sick by the end because you can't change anything that's going on in the world. So you need to bring that focus back to what you can change. So there's a lot of people who are just like, I feel so much. I feel this, I feel that. Yeah, you're an empath. Don't go and look at all of those things. Pull your attention from the news. Pull your attention from social media. Pull your attention from what's going on in that person's life. If you can't help it or change it, send them love. Send them Some nice words and then bring your attention back to what you can change.

Yes. Oh, and you know what? Oprah said once that I really liked speaking of compassion. And kind of sometimes it's confusing when you're like, oh, I don't have this big cause that I'm doing in the world to make the world better. But really you do. Because those little things you do to your neighbor or to your friends nearby or the grocery store cashier, those all have. Those little things make a big difference.

Those matter just as much. They literally matter just as much. Because as that maybe there's a person that you are affecting who is impacting in a big way and you're impacting that person in a big way.

It's all.

What we don't see is that I really feel that how we treat our neighbor and how we treat the people in our everyday lives is actually the biggest way to move the needle. It's just showing love to everyone and it's going to preserve your energy to move what you can move forward. And if we all did that, the world would be a much more compassionate, caring place.

Isn't that nice?

Yeah. If you just took your massive, like blanket compassion that you have for the world and you kind of narrowed it down, I think we'd all be moving the needle forward a lot faster.

I like that.

I love that too. You have one more question.

Yes. This is from at Bailey the Great.

Bailey the Great. You know what? I love this person for even being able to just like call herself Great.

Bailey the Great.

I'm changing my name to Lori the Great. Seems totally. I like it. Yeah, I love it.

Bailey the Great says, how do you balance your compassion with people who take advantage of it?

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Oh, let's go back to boundaries. Yeah. Yeah. I just, you know, we have in our life what we tolerate. And if you are feeling taken advantage of, it's because you are tolerating someone taking advantage of you because you are avoiding a tough conversation or doing the really tough thing. And I get it. I do it all the time. So welcome to my world of feeling. Like once in a while I'm like, huh? I'm not loving the way I'm being treated here. Which if you're feeling taken advantage of, that you're not loving the way you're being treated. Yeah, but I'm Allowing it. By not speaking up or not saying no to getting together with that person.

Yes.

So it's. I mean, this is why people don't do it is because you're afraid of being called a jerk or a bitch or whatever that is. They're selfish or whatnot. But you're putting up with feeling like you are potentially a doormat or feeling like, really. I don't know. Potentially used. Whatever. Whatever you're feeling, but it's because we're tolerating it. And I think that's the hardest thing to hear. And so freeing because it means you have the power to say, hey, not gonna. Not gonna go hang out with this person yet. Not gonna go to that family event. Because I'm feeling like nobody's respecting what I'm actually saying, even though I've asked.

Yeah.

Multiple times. So I'm gonna remove myself from this situation and maybe not do Christmas this year. Yeah. I'm literally not speaking for me. I'm absolutely doing Christmas. But it's because I've had these conversations. We've all had these conversations with family. Yeah. In order to be able to do different things with people and show up in the rooms that you feel like you want to show up in. And there were plenty of rooms I did not show up in. And there were times that I set boundaries with my family where I did not go to things because I wasn't ready to speak my truth or be able to do that. So.

Exactly.

So hard. It's really hard. Yeah.

Do you know what? I. I heard this. Have you heard of Chris Boss?

I feel like I have.

I bet you've heard him. He has a masterclass, and he's. He used to be a negotiator for, like, hostages.

Oh, my gosh. Amazing. Really cool.

But I heard him actually on Dax Shepard's podcast recently, and he was talking about negotiating with people and saying no. And it's always a really interesting conversation on how you. It can work from anyone. From someone who's holding someone hostage to, like, your child.

Wow.

It was just interesting, the tools he gave. So I think I'm gonna listen.

What were some of the tools? Do you remember?

I really wish I did at this point, but kind of just the way you phrase things on saying no to someone, and he really just. His attitude about things is kind of like, just do it.

You don't.

I don't know.

I think it was Chris Voss and Dax Shepard. So you can go and listen to it. So you can just search under that.

I think that's his name.

Pretty sure it sounds familiar.

Yeah.

So do you have any closing words of wisdom, Evans?

Don't be afraid to say no.

Yeah. No is yeah. No is yes to the things that you want to be doing.

Oh, drop the mic.

All right, well, I'm always so grateful to do this with you. We're doing. We're doing a speed round this morning because she's got to go to work. I got to go to the gym. That was really good. We did good. We didn't go on any tangents. No tangents. Except for right now.

Yep.

So. All right, you guys, until next time, be questionably awesome at all times.

Yes.

Bye.

Bye.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn you're happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye Bye.