535. Grit, seeking validation, and the importance of failing - with Jess Ekstrom

I don't want to see fulfillment as this, like, destination that we hit one day. I want to use it as, like, a choice to how we live our life every day.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect. Connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me?

Here we go. Jess, I'm so excited that you came on this podcast. This is normally where I have just solos and quickies, but, you know, because I've been quarantined, I've literally been like, hey, let's use this opportunity to talk to other epic humans that you've been wanting to talk to. So here we are.

I'm so excited to be talking to you. I know Quarantine, I feel like, has made me way more of a social person. I'm like, chasing my mailman down the street. Like, how was your day? Talk to me.

Get away from me.

Where are life goals?

Yeah, let's go deep.

Right away.

I only got like, 30 seconds with you.

Yeah. Like, what made you want to become a mailman?

Yeah.

We can't waste this opportunity. That is how it feels. Oh, my God. And it's funny because there's so many people that I would love to talk to, like, and do long form interviews, but I book it's. I had no idea this would become a problem for me where I do have so many people I want to interview now that I'm booked so far out that I'm like, I'm not going to wait this long to do it. So I think I have to actually add more. Like, I have to come up with another podcast so I can start talking to more people.

Ooh, I'd be down to brainstorm with you on that. I know what a great problem to have.

It is this was not a problem years ago, but it is now, so I'm grateful for it. Jess, you have a couple awesome things, so we're going to talk about some very real things in business or when you're going for your dream. So whether you have a Business or you have a big dream or whatever that is. We're going to touch on what that really looks like and feels like in the begin. And you have a book called Chasing the Bright side. And you also have a company called Headbands of Hope. You have, like, 30 seconds on each of them.

Go, let's do it. Okay, so first starts with the Headbands of Hope. This was my college dorm room startup. Like, as literally scrappy as they come. I had no idea what I was doing. Couldn't even spell entrepreneur. But I was interning her. Make a Wish. And I saw a lot of kids that were losing their hair to chemotherapy, and they wanted to wear headbands after hair loss, but no one was giving them that. They were giving wigs or hats. So I started Headbands of Hope. And for every headband sold, we donate one to a child with an illness. And we've donated over 600,000 headbands now, which is kind of crazy. And we've reached every children's hospital in America in 22 countries. And so really, the start of Headbands of Hope and the story of it spread into my other companies that I have. Mic Drop Workshop is my online course for more women to become female speakers and get paid to do it. So many times I've seen women speak for free or have a token woman on the roster. So Mic Drop Workshop helps women craft their story and sell it as speakers. And then chasing the bright side is the message out of that about how we can use optimism to create the life that we want to live.

Okay, that's amazing. Your book didn't come out too long ago, right?

Yeah, no, it just came out recently.

Oh, my God. So exciting. That's a whole other podcast. I'm not going to go there because this is only like, 20 minutes. So I'm going to dive into the meat immediately. Starting out. What does it look like when you are first, like, literally starting that first business, and you have these expectations on what you're doing, and all of a sudden you get hit with something unexpected?

I know that far too well starting Headbands of Hope. And I literally was just shooting at the hip with what I had. I didn't know how to build a website, so I met with this student every day for lunch for her to teach me Photoshop and Shopify. I literally paid her in Chipotle burritos. I was like, burrito strapping my business.

Oh, my God. Can I work with you?

Yeah.

I'm like, I'm gonna trademark that. And I asked a graphic design class to create a logo as, like, a class assignment, and, like, tried to pick the best one. So I really was just looking at what I had and not focusing on what I didn't. And then it was time to actually create product. So I had the website, had the logo, things were coming together, and I found this database for manufacturers, started going down the list, hoping that one of them would just take a chance on me. Like, I know I'm not Nike. I know I'm not this big company, and I'm probably emailing you from like, a Edu email address with like, comic Sans font or something really embarrassing, but hoping that they would just see the good in this idea. And after months of radio silence, this factory in Kansas finally got back to me, and they wanted to get on a call. One thing led to another. They loved it. And they would create samples and send me a picture of different headbands. And we probably talked every day, once a week for about two months. I mean, it was pretty. Pretty in depth. And then they were like, okay, let's, you know, let's do a first round of production. Let's. Let's make these headbands. And so they sent me over the invoice, and that Invoice was for $10,000. And they were like, oh, the first. First round is going to be more expensive than the other rounds. And I knew nothing about production. I'm like, I have no idea what's. Yeah, like, what's standard, what isn't. But this was a problem. This was about $9,500 more than what I had in my college bank account at the time. I'm still eating ramen noodles for dinner. I started to do some research on what I could do to get this money. I was like, can I get an investor, like Shark Tank and give up some equity? Can I get a loan from a bank, pay interest? And I was talking to my dad about these options, and he's an entrepreneur, and I wanted his advice, and he sat me down and he was like, look, I've seen your business plan. I really think this is actually a good idea, and it's going to work. And one of the mistakes I made was giving up too much equity in my company too early. And I don't want you to have to do the same thing. So I will front you alone for $10,000, and you can pay me back as the business starts to make money. And that was like hearing my dog speak English. I was like, wait, what? I couldn't believe that he believed in this idea that he believed in me. I ran to the bank. It was a Friday afternoon. I walked in there. I printed out my wiring instructions because I'd never sent a wire transfer before. I wired them $10,000, and I never heard from them again. Oh, God. Yeah.

When did you realize?

Was like a few days. And I kept following up. Following up. Called, Went straight to voicemail. I mean, something fishy was going on. And it was literally like, a moment where I thought, maybe this is a sign, you know, maybe this is a sign that it's not me. Like, that I'm not qualified to be here. What? Who did I think that I was to think that I could do something like this? And we went to court, and it was just like. That's when I learned a lot about the legal system, too. It was just. I mean, the money was gone, and you're just spending more money and legal fees trying to be right about something. And I remember going to bed, like, a week or two into this and, like, closing my eyes. And I'm sure maybe some of you are like me, where you run through all your biggest life's mistakes before you go to bed. And, yeah, I'm, like, thinking, you know, this isn't about the embarrassment of failure. Like, I feel like I could move on from just being embarrassed. This is about this problem not being solved. Like, this itch, not being scratched. And that was what I couldn't live with. And so I got up. I got this $200 grant that my school was giving away to students who were starting businesses. And I bought two headbands from this supplier that I found on Etsy in Bismarck, North Dakota, who let me buy, like, really low minimums. And I put those up on my website April 25, 2012, and now we have over 200 products on the website. And I never took outside money again after that. Wow. Yeah, it's just. It was just such a determining factor in the beginning of the grit that I had for this idea, because I believed in it. And that's why I truly believe optimism is that key ingredient for grit, which is what chasing the bright side is all about.

Oh, my God. So before we dive into that, because I want to come back to optimism being the key for grit. I want to almost prepare people. I don't want to prepare people for the worst, but you kind of have to. You have to know, worst case scenario, you have to ask yourself what you'll do in that scenario, and what are you gonna go back to to pull you through it. It's not like you wanna sit in it and think about what bad things are gonna happen in my business, but I do think people, like, once you have something like that happen, it does make you think more critical thinking.

Right.

It's more just like, okay, here are all the things that could go wrong. Am I, you know, could I handle them? Could I get through them? Do I have people who could help me get through them?

Yes.

Okay, stop thinking about it and now go to hope. Right? Like, you have to keep thinking of what could go right.

And I do.

I don't.

I don't know if this is a great belief to put out there, but it's my belief. What I have found, and I think it is that when you move forward with a dream, you're gonna. You're gonna get a test that says, are you the right. Like, can you move through this? And are you going to have enough grit to. To move through when the tough stuff comes? And look at what happened. You got to learn about the legal system.

You now know contracts, 50% deposits.

Yes.

I mean, it changed the course of my business. And I think something else that I realized too, and it took me a while to realize is that, like, our wounds are not our worth. So for so long, I would draw a connection to any time I messed up to who I am as a person, when we should be drawing that line to just the process of growth and change and going for it. There's gonna be, like, the speed bumps are inevitable. But for a while, I thought that that meant who I was as a person. Like, I'm not qualified. I'm not supposed to be here. When really, it's just actually a sign that you're in the game.

Oh, my God, yes. You actually just spurred, like, such a thought in my head that it's like, it's essentially paying for an education as an entrepreneur. Like, there's no, like, hey, go to college, be an entrepreneur. It's liter. Okay. I paid $10,000 for a technically priceless lesson.

Oh, my gosh, I love that reframe. Like, I am going to use that. So it really is. And then once you start actually connecting with people who have done something, whether that's. They started a company that they're successful at, whether they're Olympic athlete or whatever it might be, you realize that once you get to the core, no one had a smooth A to B. No one did. But the things that we see now are, you know, like, the peaks and not the valleys. And so that's why I think it's just so important. You know, people like you do this really well to be transparent, you know, about some of the struggles and about some of the hardships because people need to be able to see themselves in success. And if all they're seeing is the perfect picture, then they'll never think, hey, that could be me, you know?

Yes, I've had some very expensive lessons. Yes, I invested like way before I even had it, like $75,000 in some coaching that was very much like I was being told I could essentially be kind of like groomed by this person and all of my dreams would be kind of on the other side of it. Well, I was bright eyed, bushy tailed and wanted it to be handed to me after thinking I had done hard work. And little did I know that was the very beginning of the hard work.

So yeah, that is such a, like interesting example because I feel like so many people have been told by someone, it's like, oh, hold my hand, follow me, I'll take care of it. And I actually just sent out a newsletter about this the other day where I was like just getting started in my speaking career and this guy who I won't name but we all know what his business is, let's call him Bill. He was one of the big speakers at that event. And I got done speaking and he comes up to me and he's like, do you have a valid passport? I'm like, yeah, you know, I think so, like I need to check. He's like, good, because I'm going to make you a world class speaker. And I literally was like, oh, this is it, you know, this is how it happens. And let me go pack my bags and get my passport ready. And he never called. Like, he never called. And I remember literally feeling like I was in like high school, like boyfriend, like waiting to get asked to prom. And it never happened. And I kept showing up, I kept speaking even, I kept speaking like for free. I kept getting better at my craft. And that's what eventually made me the speaking 50 times a year that I do today. And I saw him at an event like three or four years after that and he's like, hey, did my agent ever call you and I need to like hook you guys up. And I'm like, I'm good. And that was when I realized it's like, you are your only golden ticket. And so many times we attach people, milestones, revenue follower count to like, oh, once I can get this, you know, then I will, like, that'll be the fast track ticket. But it's our consistency and it's our love for our craft that gets us where we need to go. But I just, like, really resonate with that mistake of feeling like, oh, that one person, if I can just get be in their tribe, you know, oh, my God.

We just. We need to dig into this just a tiny bit more because this is so much of my story. Like, I think from. From the way that I was raised, while I was in such a loving family, it was like, you weren't necessarily validated over the things you did. It was just like, yeah, you're loved. You know what I mean? Like, of course you're loved. Like, but it was never like, oh, great job. You're so good at that. You should do that. Like, nothing was cultivated ever. And I had. I was a kid who was like, a dreamer. I wanted to be a dancer. I wanted to do all the things, and that was just never recognized or, like, encouraged. And I found at a very young age, because I never got I'm words of affirmation as my love language. So I never got validated, like, verbally by people or felt like I was ever chosen by people or friends or teachers. Like, I didn't have those things the way that I grew up. And so my whole life, I can see where I was just so hungry for validation from friends, from groups of, you know, women, these influencers. I looked up to authors, speakers. Like, I just was so desperate to be seen by them that while I was working hard, I spent a lot of my energy really wanting to be liked and loved by them or be accepted. I would say accepted and validated are the two biggest things. And looking back, it wasn't until I fully had the realizations where I had to either lose a lot of money or, like, get really blatantly ignored or get really rejected, like, very rejected. I had to get pretty severely rejected by a lot of people, whether it was magazines, people, you know, podcasts, wanting to speak on their stages, writing books. Like, just. I needed all that rejection to finally go, can I still love myself even if no one else is choosing me? And that was a tough moment, but it changed everything.

I wonder, like, how you walk that line now. And because I feel like sometimes I have this constant tug of war between alignment with what I'm doing and attention of what I'm doing. It's walking the line of how things look based on how things feel. And I think, especially in the social media age, and being seen and wanting to be seen. Sometimes I have a tough time, like, Distinguishing what's important to me. Like, I should be doing this or this, this. I need this because it's going to look good. And so I have to do an audit sometimes on the things that I'm chasing and realize, okay, if no one knew about this, would it matter? Like, if no one knew that my name was attached to this, would I still be doing this? You know, I said before when we got on here how awesome I think it is that you and Chris are doing this thousand dollars giveaway. If your name wasn't attached to it, you would still do it because it means something to you. And that's how I feel with a lot of the work that I do, you know, with headbands of Hope, with helping women become speakers. But I would do that no matter what. But then sometimes I find myself chasing this, like, oh, like, you know, woman to Watch of the year, like, whatever, you know, where I'm like, man, I'm spending a lot of time chasing something that doesn't really matter in the big picture.

Oh, I did that. I did that a lot with. I feel like I finally kind of unshackled myself as of pretty recent of where I found I was leading with that, but not even realizing it. Like, when my book came out, that was huge for me, right? I wanted that title. I wanted to be like, I wanted a New York Times bestseller or Wall Street Journal bestseller, whatever that was. And I was like, no, I'm not attached. I'm not attached. Except I was so attached. Like, single week, I was like, was it there? I was looking at my numbers. I was comparing. And the weird thing about New York Times bestseller, too, that just messes with your psyche more, is that you can actually sell more books than the people.

Who are on that week.

So that was, like, crushing. I'm talking to another author, so I know, you know, but I was having these comments.

But you think it bestseller list should mean bestseller.

It should be how many books you sold. Right, Exactly.

No, I feel you there.

Not only was it, like, it felt unfair, it felt like I. I didn't realize the attachment that I had to that title. And it made me really step back and be like, okay, it's good to go for those things. In fact, I don't think it would be in the hands of.

Half of.

The people it was in if I didn't have the drive that that created. So I decided to not just, like, abandon those things, because sometimes they're actually the drivers that are helping you get it, you know? You know what I mean?

So I totally.

There were parts.

You don't want to lose your ambition, but you want to have a healthier relationship with the process.

Absolutely. And that took me a while. That took me like a year to be like, okay, what does this actually look like for me? Because now with my new company, it's like, I really do want those benchmarkers. I want to be one of the top beverages and whatever this looks like, because I need to strive for a certain number to know it's getting in a certain amount of hands. Not just. Not just thinking. Because I think why a lot of women can get caught up is, like, thinking, like, if I just focus on the mission and the intention and the love, like, that's gonna get it out. Well, I see a lot of great companies and events and things that stay really small, and I'm like, I love.

That because they're not using the data too. Exactly. Like the number story.

Exactly. So for me, that was mine. So how about you? What's your kind of, like, what have you decided or that you've started to feel has been?

Why?

Like, how you're gonna have that relationship with it?

Well, I mean, it's totally similar. Same thing. New York Times aiming for that and then having this addicted mentality to outcomes. And on one hand, I think that that's the reason for a lot of my success, but on the other hand, I also think that that's the reason for a lot of my anxiety. And, like, not. I'm like, okay, these are the things that I said that I wanted. And they've all happened. Like, why am I still in therapy? What am I missing here? And there was actually this one scenario where I was in, like, Women's Health magazine. Like, they picked five women to basically compete to be on the COVID for, like, their Woman of the Year or, like, Game Changer or something. And so it was months of, you know, going to New York and, like, doing this, like, public voting stuff. I literally just was like, my life is on hold. I'm doing this thing. And then I won. And then I got an email that their sponsor pulled out for the COVID shoot. Yeah. It turned into this article on the inside, which, again, great, Whatever. But it was literally like, when I work on things that matter, that time is never wasted, because no one's ever gonna take back all the headbands that we donated at Headbands of Hope, or no one's going to rip those experiences away from women that I helped go on stage and tell their story. But when you chase something that the only like true value is that extrinsic perception. And then it's like you put all your eggs in that basket and you're just like, was that worth it? Probably not. And so that was a real wake up call to me for putting everything else on hold and really having that be my North Star. I think that I don't want to see fulfillment as this like destination that we hit one day. I want to use it as like a choice to how we live our life every day and do that, keep doing that audit and walk the line between like, okay, this is still a business and also making a difference because I don't want my life to like be either or, you know, like I want to find that lane and do both.

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Oh my God. Well, clearly this is. I'm looking at the cloud. I'm like, damn it, why is this not longer? So I just want to say thank you so much. You just dropped so much wisdom. I don't even think you're going to understand what you just did until you listen again. So thanks, Jess. Like, I'm so incredibly excited we got to connect.

Yeah, I forgot we were recording. I could talk to you all day long.

Seriously. That's like why I. That is. Anybody who feels lonely, please start a podcast. It will change your entire life. Like, just go for it. It's the most like soul filling, heart connecting thing because I feel like I just got to drop in with you, like in the most.

I know I needed this today. You have no idea. So, girl, same. Well, thanks for having me on. I'm sure we'll talk soon.

Where can we find you?

Follow you.

Mic drop workshop.

Yeah. Micdropworkshop.com you can go to chasingthebrightside.com and follow me at JesseXtrom headbandsofhope on social media.

And her headbands are literally the best. She sent me a little bananas headband. Oh my bananas. I had this stunning lace headband that you had sent me and I gave it to a friend, her daughter, and she was flipping out, so she was so excited. She's like five.

We shifted our mission during COVID We're donating masks to healthcare workers for each one sold, so.

Oh, that is amazing. That is so awesome. Okay, you guys go check her out and until next time, earn your happy.

Bye everyone.

Thanks, Lori.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think.

Would love it, that would be absolutely.

Amazing and we would be forever grateful also. So please leave us a review. If you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys.

Bye Bye.

It.