538. Q+A: Joy

In any relationship, in any interaction. Like that's okay. Yeah, it actually doesn't really matter. And if you have the right people in your life, it's not going to matter to them. And they're always going to show up no matter what if you do the same for them.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me?

Here we go.

Evans.

Welcome back to another episode of our podcast called questionably awesome. Hey, Lauren, how would you describe this?

It's a wild ride. It's a, it's a fun conversation where you can just let loose, be yourself, just happy.

You know what I love is like we give a different description every single week. And I always think about that poor soul who's tuning into at this one for the like the very first time. And they're like, what is this? Yeah, they're like, who We. We do answer some questions once in a while. We drop some serious knowledge bombs, but for the most part we talk about dropping bombs and gas.

That's actually really true, accurate, accurate statement.

So you're still at the in laws house right now?

Yep. So still in the great state of Indiana.

Still in Indiana. How do you, do you feel like you're an Indianian yet?

I wish I, I don't feel like I'm. That I don't think I'm there yet, but I really do like the people from Indiana.

So you ventured out, I'm guessing to the grocery stores with your gloves and mask.

Yep.

Like that's, that's what you've seen of Indiana. You've just gotten to go to grocery stores, but I'm sure you've walked the great plains of Indiana.

We did go on one hiking trail that was near. I don't know where we were, but there were really pretty woods, lots of birds.

Yep.

Some trees, A lot of green trees here.

Yeah, it is really, really just insanely beautiful country. It is. And at least now you're there a little bit during the warm. It's getting warmer, right? Or no.

Sort of. But then it gets cold again, so I don't know how people.

Welcome to my entire my. Welcome to my entire my life. Welcome to my entire life. Growing up, it was like, hey, it's June and it's a beautiful day. And then the next day was like, ha ha ha. Just kidding. Exactly. It's like, yeah, exactly.

That's tomorrow. There's supposed to be a low of 29 degrees.

Of course, it might snow as well. Just so you know, be prepared. Have a closet full of. It's. It's confusing. I've never felt so confused in my life than growing up in my life.

I just hats off to anyone who grew up in the Midwest because it's giving me anxiety, this weather.

Yeah, well, I had anxiety, so. So there's that. Yeah, we were on. We were all on medication because seasonal depression and for real, it's like a.

You have. I would have to have a sun.

Oh, yeah. Well. Well, now I'm pissed about it. Here's why.

Why?

Because I was like, the tanning bed did make me feel better, except I tanned all the time because my gym had tanning. Every gym in the Midwest has tanning beds. And so you can add the tanning bed membership onto your gym membership for, like, only $20 a month for unlimited tanning. So I was like, yes. Plus, being brown when you're like, you know, 20 or 21 is pretty sweet.

Oh, yeah.

It's, you know, you know, dating pool. I think you do better if you have a tan.

Why is that? Why did we want to be so tan in our only.

So they could see you when you're outside in the snow. It was like you get overlooked if you match the. The background. So it was like, I'm going to pop on this now. Look at me giving myself all these extra chances. All right. Would you like a quote?

Yeah, I would love one.

Okay, so people are probably confused on that as well, because we always pick quotes when we're on these shows. But I have a deck in front of me of quotes from. What is this one? This one's super attractor. So tell me when to pick. I'm scanning my hand over it now.

Okay.

It says, I am kind and loving toward others while creating clear boundaries that protect my good feeling emotions.

That's so accurate.

I'm dying. Oh, my God. I'm dying that I pulled this for you. Does it know where I am right now? I have full body chills, you guys. She's living with the family, right? Now, so that's a good one. For anyone with a family in general.

You gotta draw those boundaries and you gotta live with somebody.

Yeah. It's so funny. It's not even that anyone's doing anything wrong. It's that if you did not choose to marry this person, you are not mentally equipped to put up with any shit outside of, like. Like, not a day to day thing. Like, look, unless my. Unless these people put a ring on all these fingers, I. It's like you can only put up with certain things.

Oh, yeah, it's. I completely agree.

You can love them to death and it's still gonna. Just somehow it's still hard. Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm picking a card. All right. And I'm gonna tell myself when to stop. Right here. This says, I can decide today to recalibrate my energy and commit to love and joy. Okay. I love this one. I was already pretty damn joyous, but I think it's because I've been choosing it lately.

Yeah. No matter what.

I'm just trying to like. Oh. And I'm also honoring where I'm at, though. So I do, like, the recalibrate thing. Like, at any time, I can just be like, okay, we're good here. I'm done with this emotion. It served me well. We're moving on.

When you recalibrate, do you say to yourself, recalibrate? Because that's how I hear that word.

You know what? I'm going to now, and I'm only going to think of you, and that will recalibrate me to joy. I'm going to think of you doing that move that you just did.

You guys, I can see your recalibrate.

That was very robotic and a lot of head movement. Recalibrate.

That's gonna be my. I'm gonna use that too, whenever I need it.

You're coming home.

I'm coming home. Coming home this month, and I am jazzed.

Oh, my God. What are you most excited about? Coming back to California for the sunshine.

And just getting back into. I feel like they're. I miss. I really want to clean out some closets when I get back. You know, everybody else has been cleaning out their closets.

It's crazy. I did it. I had the urge. I organized. I did all, like. I had a deep yearning to organize when this first started and, like, clean. And I did all of that and did all the things, and now I've settled, like. But you didn't get to do that yet. So your yearning is still unmet.

Oh, yeah. I still want to clean and organize. And it's amazing. This whole. This is a terrible pandemic, obviously, but it has taught me you don't need much.

No.

Yeah.

And you're living. Cause you just. What'd you do, pack a bag and that's what you've been living off.

Yeah, I just wear leggings and sports bras and the same sweatshirt for 60 days.

Is that your Jenny's sweatshirt?

No, it's a different one. But I do have a Jenny's one that's actually pretty wet.

She literally has it in her hand right now. Actually, my Jenny's one is right near me because when I'm not wearing it, it's a security blanket. So actually my Jenny's one is covering my knees right now because I'm cold. It's actually true.

It's true.

Oh, God. Have you gotten on TikTok yet? Because that seems to be the pandemic thing to do. Clean closets. And you get on TikTok for the first time.

Seriously? I got on it for a minute, but then I had to delete the app. Cause I was like, oh, I'm getting so into this.

Oh, yeah, I would. You would thrive on TikTok. I could see you and the hubs making so many TikToks and being just the star of TikTok.

How do people do all these dances? I'm not coordinated like that.

I don't know. I think it takes way more work than we're seeing. I actually think it's an all day thing. So when I see one good video, I'm like, this was all day. Don't fool yourself. Because then I get down on myself. I'm like, I'm a terrible dancer. I'm not funny, I'm not creative. And. And then I get off TikTok and I'm like, don't. Don't do that to yourself. Okay, what do we do next on these? Oh, get a review.

Next we do a review. So the review is from Blakey Amma.

Blakey. I like it.

Me too.

Oh, this is really good.

The best podcast. Simply amazing. I've been listening to this podcast for about a year now. What I love about Lori is that she's so relatable. Her podcast literally pertains to all walks of life. That's really true. Whether you're looking for a pick me up, wanting to start a business, struggling with a relationship, or just need sound advice, this is a podcast for you from He Said, she Said to the Quickies and questionably awesome Lori and her Guests leave you feeling empowered. I've grown up so much and learned a lot about myself from this podcast. So grateful. Thank you, Lori Evans, Chris, and everyone who's a part of the earn your happy podcast.

Holy crap. That is such a nice review, Blakey. That just, like, made our days. Blakey, Blakey, Blakey Eggs and bakey. That is the greatest thing ever.

People are really nice. Blakey poo.

Oh, my goodness. We've got so many great nicknames for Blakey. We love it. We love you.

And Blakey doesn't like this podcast anymore.

He's, like, got both middle fingers up right now. Just kidding. Blakey, we're so grateful for you. Okay, so cool. Do you have a question?

Yeah. It's about joy.

Okay, it's about joy. And who's it from?

It is from at Life by Alyssa.

Awesome.

Alyssa wants to know, how do you stop from sabotaging yourself when you feel joyful?

Oh, boy. We're good at this, aren't we? Like, sabotaging ourselves, Right? When we experience joy, then we. Our brains scan for what's wrong. First of all, I think. I think that's a really great point. Like, that's what helped me to stop sabotaging myself and to feel bad about it is because I'd be feeling joyful, and then I'd be like, why am I always looking for what's wrong? Like, I would get upset with myself for being a saboteur of joy, of my own joy. And then I'm like, once I learned that your brain is wired to do that, like, it's naturally wired to look for what's wrong for survival. So I was like, okay, my brain is just trying to keep me safe. So if I tell it, like, hey, it's all good right now. Like, you can fully stay in this feeling, and you can keep recalibrating, because that's the word today, I guess, recalibrating back to joy, like, or saying, okay, I don't want to feel this way, because, yeah, it will come in. Something will come in. You'll be feeling joyful, and you'll be like, I'm feeling so much joy. What if this doesn't last? Oh, my God. Like, and you just, you know, pull yourself out of it. And for me, it's. It's just going, no, like, fully enjoy this. And also that nothing. Nothing is lasting. And that's so powerful. Because as much as we'd want joy to last, also, when you're feeling pain, you don't want that to last forever. So it's always, like, they're always just visiting and, like, enjoy them as their visitors, because you're going to feel joyful. You're going to feel meh. You're going to feel tired. And I think I've talked about this before, but Chris is so helpful for this, because even when I'm feeling. In those moments of when feelings are visiting you that you don't want, he's just like, honor it. Enjoy it. Tells me to enjoy. Like, I'm tired. Enjoy it.

What.

What advice? But it's so great, right?

It's so true.

Just like, it's. It just takes all the pressure off of being like, why do I feel sad? Because you're a human. Like, enjoy it, feel it, and then go find something that makes you happy. Like if you're done feeling sad.

Yeah.

Interesting.

That is interesting because I think a lot of times I'm really good at overcomplicating feelings. I'm like, why is this? Let me just analyze every little bit of it. And it's like, maybe you're just happy and it's okay. Yeah.

Maybe you're just a human moving from emotion to emotion and you don't have to grip onto any of them. Yeah, I feel you. Do we have another one?

Yeah, this is from @_Bell._ Cox. How do you find and create your own joy without validation from others? Oh, that's good.

You go. You go. I need some time.

So how do you find and create your own joy without validation from others? That's something that I struggle with all the time, too, like, wanting outside validation.

So when you say that, like, wanting outside validation, because I totally resonate with this. Of what? Like, what is the underlying emotion of that? Is it. Is it that. Was it something that had happened in a former friendship? Is it like wanting to know that you're liked or that they think you're smart or that you're funny? Like, what. What is the validation you're looking for?

Oh, yeah. I think mine's. I like praise a lot. I like. I like to know that I'm doing a good job, I guess. Yeah. And being liked, I love. I. I want people to like me. Of course. I feel like we all want a little bit of that. And, yeah, I think it's natural to want validation from other people. But I think what I try to do is have enough. For me, it goes back to maybe confidence, Just having enough confidence in yourself to know that doing something that's good enough for you and you feel good about it. That can be enough.

Yeah, that's a mic drop. Read that question one more time to me so I can see if I thought of mine, because I really just got into yours.

How to find and create your own joy without validation from others.

Oh, exactly. Literally, I think I do the same thing as what you said. Just, I actually have to. I. All I do is talk to myself, right?

Because that's.

We're only listening to what we say after people. So for everything that someone says to you, all that you actually listen to is what you say after what they say. So if. If they say something horrible to you, if your brain says that's true, that's all that you. You validated yourself. So you're. You're right on the confidence thing. Like, I think what can happen is there in one interaction, right? There's even just our conversations. There's so many thoughts that can happen afterward. Like, was that a good episode? Was I funny? Did I give. Did I give her validation? Oh, I didn't feel like I was very X, Y, and Z on that one. Like, I actually have to stop that and go, that was great. That was fun. You enjoyed yourself. It was connection. Stop. Like, let it. Let it be and let yourself enjoy yourself, right? Because just like this podcast, this is a perfect interact example of interactions of friends. Like, let yourself enjoy a great interaction with a friend without analyzing every single thing that you said and let it be, okay? Even if some things didn't go the way you want, or even if some episodes didn't feel as high as the other ones, or it's so crazy how we can do that to ourselves. And I think what I do is just like you said, I have to have enough confidence in myself and trust in myself to know that no matter what happens in any relationship, in any interaction, that's okay. It actually doesn't really matter. And if you have the right people in your life, it's not going to matter to them. And they're always going to show up no matter what if you do the same for them. So, yeah, confidence that you are confident in yourself, confident enough to make peace with not having to analyze every single thing. Confident enough to know that you are showing up in relationships the way that you want. So no matter what happens, it doesn't really matter because some people are never going to like what you say, and those aren't the right people.

So that.

That's huge. Like, yeah, seeking validation from other people. It's usually like, where does that come from? Wondering. Yeah, not feeling like you're Enough?

Yeah, like wanting to be. That's how it's always been for me. If I don't feel good about myself, that's when I start seeking other things to make me feel better.

Oh yeah.

Oh, that has to come from within.

Which is so hard. Oh my gosh.

It is nothing. Nothing will.

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Okay, so marriage is like such a mirror. And it's. It's so funny because Chris can do. When I'm happy with myself and who I am, I feel like he almost does no wrong. I don't notice if he's doing annoying things. I don't get jealous. Like, yes, we could freaking watch Baywatch on the couch when I feel good together. For we could do a Baywatch marathon. And I'd be like, I am amazing. I love myself. Like, when I'm feeling good about myself, right? Like, yes, like, fulfillment in terms of, like, you know, if I'm. If I'm doing other things in the world that make me feel good about myself, even in business and life and relationships. Now you catch me on a day where I am not feeling good about myself and maybe some beautiful woman walks across the screen in the background of a show he's watching like, huh, she's pretty.

Oh, she looks nice, doesn't she?

Just look at me like, oh, God, here comes what's wrong today. Like, now I hold those things back. But in my earlier years, did there. No, there was no holding those things back.

Yeah.

And if I didn't feel good about myself and he wanted to go to a movie, this is me getting real vulnerable. And I'd be like, who's in that? Mogan Fox isn't that movie? I was like, why would I submit myself to that? And he's just like, never mind. Yeah, now. Not at all. Like, now.

I.

Even if that. If certain things like that, I'm just using this as an example, you guys. It's just an example for life. But if something like that happens now, truly, I'm just like, all right, Lori. Like, number one, that's the quickest way to drive a friend, a human, a man, a partner out of your life is to, is to start losing confidence in yourself. So I'm always like, the way that you can be appealing to everyone, the most appealing version of you is when you never do things like that and you don't downgrade who you, you are, you know, and you, you just, you start building yourself up with confidence or being someone who's fun to be around or magnetic or is happy. Those are the things that attract people, not the other way around. The other stuff is all repellent. Believe me, I've tried it on all my boyfriends, all my husbands. I've only had one husband, but.

All your husbands.

It is though, isn't it? Just like the craziest repellent, like lack of confidence?

Yes. And there's nothing worse than like that feeling of like being down on yourself and being down on other people. It's the worst feeling. And you know, it's so much more fun to say nice things about each other.

Yeah, it's easy. It's easier to be down on yourself and other people. But it's definitely, like you said, it's way more fun. It's. It can feel harder at first to be like, I gotta flip this around, man. I'm like catching yourself as the world's largest annoying Debbie Downer ever. And you're just like myself right now. And that's when you're like, okay, Grace, have grace. This is a normal human condition. I'm going to release the claws out of this feeling. And yeah, just. I talk to myself consistently. This might actually get me checked in somewhere. This particular conversation.

I talk to myself too. You know, not everyone talks to themselves. I feel like I read something where like half people, half of people have a little voice and then half of people don't.

Is that true? I have, I have the voice. I. If you don't have the voice, who's talking to you in your brain?

Yeah, but I think there's some people who just don't have that voice. But they still are.

Oh, I've heard there's some, there's some auditory, there's some like they'll see more like a pictures or like visuals. Like they'll be able to like have that but they're more like visuals or a feeling or it'll just be like mapped out clearly. But mine's definitely, I definitely have full on conversations. Oh yeah, me too. Like full on conversations, full on fights, full on like celebrations, full on everything, so. All right. All right. Evans Cradock what's your. What. What is your wisdom of the day that you want to leave everyone with.

Oh, man.

Wait, that's not your last name anymore.

I know my last name is. Wait, what's my last name? Sager.

Now. Yeah. That is insane. I don't think I've ever said your last name out loud.

Yeah.

Do you like it? Does it feel normal?

It doesn't feel normal.

It's a beautiful last name.

Thank you.

You sound famous.

I'm really famous now, which happens when you get married, just FYI, so everyone knows.

It literally sounds like the most amazing country singer ever. Evan Sager. How it doesn't get cooler than that. I want to go to your concert.

I want to have a concert, except I can't sing.

Oh, well, you know what? Vanilli lip sync. So you're fine. Oh, this.

This reminds me of a weird story that I'm going to share about my husband.

Please do. I can't wait.

He. He had a saxophone in middle school and signed up for band, and he really wanted to play the sax. And then he told us that he got, like, a couple days into class. The teacher was like. Like, took him after and was like, are you not playing the notes? Are you airplane? And Adam had been airplane because he couldn't read the notes. So he was just, like, pretending. Isn't that great?

That literally, like, if.

If I ever interviewed him and I.

Asked for a bio that just, like, would. That would tell me everything I need to know. Like, he just needs.

Exactly.

It'll be like, Adam's bio, and I'll just be that story, and I'll be like, I. I got everything. I literally. I know everything. Like, that is Adam, too. It's like, if I had to describe him, that's what I would stand up and say.

Yeah, I think that's my favorite story.

Please tell Adam how much joy he brings us on this podcast.

I'll let him know.

Is it short season over there yet? Is he still. Every day.

It's short season for Adam year round.

Is he gonna. Do you think he's gonna up the hemline this year in California if it gets hotter?

I really hope he does because I would like to see some more leg.

It's like the opposite type of marriage. Like, he's just like, yeah, okay, we know what we're talking about there. Okay, so last words of wisdom, Evans.

My last words of wisdom would go with Adam's sax playing. Just like, if you. You just put yourself out there and you try. Just fake it till you make it. You can do it.

I love that. And I just came up with a nickname for him. You should nickname him sexyphone. Like saxophone.

Sexy phone, sexy legs.

Let me know how that goes over. Okay. Let me know how good your night is with that one. Okay.

Yeah. All right.

Until next time, everyone. If you love this, if you got smarter, we'd love to know how that happened.

Yeah.

Now let us know what you took away from this amazing Q and A if you so choose. And until next time. Next time, be questionably awesome and earn your happy. Yeah.

Bye.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful.

Also.

Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear. More of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye.

Bye.

It.