54: Propel Your Life FORWARD, FAST, by Focusing on the ONE THING with Jay Papasan

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Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast.

I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss.

Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the Earn your happy podcast and I'm so thrilled to have my guest on today. His name is Jay Papazon and he is a best selling author and co owner alongside his beautiful wife Wendy of Papazon Properties Group with Keller Williams Realty in Austin, Texas. His most recent work with Gary Keller on The One Thing has garnered more than 238 appearances on the national bestseller list, including number one on The Wall Street Journal bestseller list. And this book truly is what led me to asking to get him on this podcast because not only was it an amazing book, but it just put so much into perspective and I really love the human being that he is in the world. And we talk so much about not only the book getting focused, getting clear, but also how to balance having an amazing family life and really loving the life that you're living. So I can't wait for you to listen in on this podcast. Let's get started. Jay, I'm so incredibly excited to have you on. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thank you for having me. I mean, I'm on the happy show. This is great.

You know what Jay, I didn't get to even talk to you that long before this, but we did have get to share a little bit and I just love your energy and you're so real and you say that, you know, your life is an open book and I so love that because I think those are the best teachers who we can really look at how it's being applied into your life. So you've got so much going on. You're the vice president of the world's largest real estate company. You're an author, you're a speaker, you're a dad. I can only imagine what goes into all of that. And I really, really love that you have so many, you know, amongst your many, many best selling books, you have so many easy to follow success Formulas. So where did that come from? And was there a time when your life was totally chaotic or not as it looks right now?

No. Thank you for saying all that. I think that if you looked at me in college, I grew up a lot in the, you know, like a lot of people in the seven or eight years after. But I was really trying to kind of live the life of a fictional hero. I used to love Sherlock Holmes. And if you've ever read him or watched the shows, here's somebody who knows something about everything. And, like, he can be a duelist. He can fight with swords, or, I mean, like, he kind of do everything well. And I wanted to be a Renaissance man. Like, growing up in Tennessee, I thought I could write sonnets and learn how to skin a deer and, you know, make ace in the classroom. And my life kind of reflected that. I was trying to be too many things, and it wasn't. I guess the big pivot point for me was when I was working in New York and I decided to quit smoking and I ran a marathon. And it was the first time that I took on something that was truly a challenge that, like, I would, you know, if I needed to make a good grade, I could usually kind of cram. You know, I wasn't really challenging myself. And that was something that, you know, you can't just step out the door and run a marathon. So I had to work on it. And it kind of showed me, it opened up a spotlight that if I really devote myself to something for a long period of time, something extraordinary will happen. And so that would be the genesis of a transformation. And then working with Gary Keller, my co author, he lives this book. I mean, that's why this book. And he's been my mentor. I mean, it's not. He's probably not quite there yet, but he's as close to a billionaire as you can be without being one. And he gets to be my mentor. And he's trying to be a great husband, and he's trying to be a great father and a great leader. And he knows his limitations. He's good at saying no. So he's been a great role model for me. So it's the one, two punch of a personal discovery. The marathon. Like, wow, I'm capable of a lot more if I focus. And then a mentor who showed up in my life who was willing to nurture that.

Oh, I love that. And I actually so relate to you, especially on a. On choosing something that was a physical level, too, because I think there's so much Wrapped around doing something challenging and sticking to it. Because the things that come up. I mean, what came up in your mind as you're attempting to run a marathon and quit smoking at the same time?

Yeah, it was my roommate that conned me into it. We were in New York, and he said, why don't you go with me? And, you know, there's a lottery for the bibs, and, you know, we'll go to this place and we'll probably not get in, but if you got in, you know, it would be a great way to quit smoking. And he hated it. Even if I went outside, he could still smell it. And so what I didn't know is that if we went to this park in New York City on this day and stood in line in the cold, we pretty much were guaranteed to get in. So it was a total setup. But I remember, like, a big moment. I met my wife while I was training for this marathon. This is 1997. And I was preparing for a date, and I was about halfway through. And I don't know if you've run a marathon or not, but I was just following a little 8 by 5 index card cut out of runner's world, where every day I had one thing to do, and it was a mileage. You know, day one, one mile, day two, a mile and a half, day three, three miles, go back to two, and then move forward to three and a half. And it was just stagger, start, rest day, whatever. That was my job, to follow that chart. And on this day, I had a long run. It was a Saturday, and I was leaving early or whatever, and I came back and I was getting ready to shower, and I remember Steven asked me, how far did you run today? Because he was like an Appalachian Trail guy, and he was all about distance. And I was like, I don't know, 15. And he came in and is like, high five. And I'm like, what? He goes, you ran a half marathon today? And that was like, I'm getting chill bumps. Because I can remember. I looked up and. Because I was aiming at something so much bigger. And it was just so methodical, like, just knock down today's domino. Just do this thing today. I had no conscious awareness that I was about to. Or I had just finished running a half marathon, which for a lot of people is a huge achievement. So that was like, to me, it was almost bigger than finishing the marathon was the fact that if you aim your life at something really at the edge of what you think your capabilities are, the milestones you'll pass along the way. And thank goodness for him. He didn't let me take that for granted. But you might take some really big ones for granted because you're just focused on something really big.

So this is such a. I mean, running a marathon is such a metaphor for life because really you have to get really focused just to put in those miles. But there's so much pulling at you, right? And I know a lot of things are coming up because there, for a lot of people probably listening to this, because even people who want to run a marathon, it's like they could be doing so many other things in their mind, right? You could be taking care of something, you could be doing this and that, or what. Whatever it is. So how would you get yourself to. How would you get yourself to focus on it? Was there a thought? Was there mantras around that? Because that takes so much focus, focus. And obviously every single day it was the one thing. But as you would say, you know, okay, this is what I have to do today. How would you try or how would you make sure that everything else fell to the wayside and that you were just present in that thing and getting it done?

I think if I pretended that that's what I did, it would give me way too much credit. Like I said, I was following an 8 by 5 index card. I just knew that I wanted to try this thing. I had people around me that were willing to support me and, you know, so maybe I did a great job of picking my friends. You know, Stephen was actively encouraging me. I had a boss. And I remember Robert Wilson at that time. I would tell him, you know, I've got a long day today. I really need to get out at 5 because I would go up to the reservoir. I got shin splints. It was my first. I'd never run a road race before this. And I think the longest I'd ever run was three miles.

Wow.

I wasn't in bad shape, but I played sports like soccer or rugby, but I didn't just go run. So this was new territory. But I would have to go all the way up to this place so I could run around the dirt track. And he was just so supportive of it. So, you know, I don't know. I just think that at that time in my life I needed to attach myself to a bigger goal. And I said yes, and I meant it. And this is something that when I'm teaching and I'm coaching and it resonates for me. I think the reason so many of us struggle to say no to the distractions that come up. And all the little stuff is because we didn't really say yes. And I compare it to saying I do to my wife in that moment when people get married. And I know, I know people get divorced too, but when they're getting married, there is this real cognizant sense that this yes is bigger than the regular yes. Like by saying yes to this person, I'm actually saying no to all the other ones. And I think that kind of decision making, we just don't do it enough in our lives. And I think I had that kind of yes to this commitment because I ran through shin splints. And I remember that was really tough for me to recover and get back on the training program. I even had a New Orleans trip already planned, which is the worst place to train for a marathon. And you know, because it was, you know, you're going to go have fun. You know, I was just out of graduate school, but I circum, you know, I navigated all that because I truly believe I just made the right kind of commitment and it was a conscious one. I really did want to quit smoking and I really did want to experience where my limits were.

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I love that you said that so much because before we can even get to that place of asking ourselves, you know the important question of what is that one thing you, you can't do it without truly deciding. And I always do that when I make a choice. I'm like, Lori, are you leaving a window cracked somewhere? Like, do I have a little mini plan B? Do I have like a little bit of a, okay, well if I don't get this done, I know I have some time on Friday and I literally did it yesterday. And I was like, you knew. You knew you were doing it. And that's exactly what came true is it didn't happen how I wanted and I knew know it. It's so funny that we can start to be so self aware that I'm like, you actually know what you're doing.

So I can't Remember, like it's the oft evoked but actually wasn't true, you know, was whatever the explorer's name supposedly burnt the ships when they arrived in America. That's the. Yes, right? Like, yeah, the plan B, there's no door cracked. We burned the metaphorical ships. That's a. I love it when you have those moments because you know that it's a milestone, you know that you're making a big commitment. I love that you ask your that question. That's a great question. Is there a window crack somewhere? I don't know that I consciously do that. And that probably would be a good practice.

I just. I've been needing to get so clear and so focused because things that I really, truly desire are not getting done. So instead of blaming, I just. That's the quickest way for me to figure that out because it's really an honest place. You're like, yes, yes, I am leaving a window cracked.

So I was talking to Lewis Howes and I think he was quoting Tim Ferriss, who was quoting someone else, but he was kind of saying, if it's not a hell yes, it's a no yes. And he said it differently than that. I'll keep it PG13. But the idea that I think we underestimate how much opportunity life has for us. And especially when you're striving and you're an entrepreneur or you're trying to better yourself, it's crazy how opportunity starts to show up. And so out of a sense of scarcity or that we might miss out, we start saying yes to stuff. But it took some of these individuals to a place where they were literally celebrities and like, there's offers to invest in businesses showing up every day that they really got the sense of if it's not a hell yes, it's a no. Like, I really need to be just excited in my bones if I'm really going to make a commitment because they got the idea of abundance.

I love that those are such good, measurable things that are easy to do and move forward on it. And I love that this was something that I just have highlighted and circled and written everywhere from the book. But magic happens at the extremes. Because, you know, I came from this world that loves to talk about balance and loves to talk about, you know, making sure that you're finding your happiness and everything. But at the same time, I like to be so transparent because so many things in my life and when I really look at my mentors and people who are getting things done and taking big action it doesn't always look that way. I like to call it the effort and surrender period. So there's gonna be periods of effort, and I mean, it's gonna be sweaty and it's gonna be hard and it's gonna feel crazy. And things that you want to keep top priority are not gonna. Except for that one thing. So can you elaborate on that just a little bit?

I love that. That's from the chapter on a balanced life is a lie, if I remember correctly. And it's this idea that, especially with work, and I actually think with some physical stuff as well, that it's when we get outside of our comfort zone, like at the extremes of effort, that the magic really happens. And it's something I remind people of when I see them kind of fighting that idea. The subtitle for our book was A surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results. If you want average, there's no extreme needed. But if you want an extraordinary life, if what you're seeking is to really to stretch and to be better, then the magic really does happen out there at the edges of your abilities, because that's where we discover ourselves. That's where we have huge AHAs. That's where we have breakthroughs. There's a Jessica Hagee cartoon. She's one of my favorite illustrators. And it's where the magic happens. And it's got a little circle and an X, and the circle's got your comfort zone, so it's always outside of that. And I keep that around me just to remind myself that you do have to kind of reach beyond. Things will be out of balance. Success, real success, is inherently messy. And I think people have just been sold a bill of goods about that. And that's why they keep saying, I just want to be balanced. But the way we talk about it in the book is to take balance. And it's not a noun, it's not a destination, it's not a place that you arrive at. It's a verb. If I asked you to stand on one foot, right, you'd stand there. And hopefully, people are probably driving right now. They can't do that. But you'd ask them and you'd say, are you balanced or balancing? And they're like immediately get, oh, I'm balancing, right? Because nothing is truly ever completely balanced. It's always an active state and just understanding that, yeah, I want more balance in my life, but it's an activity in itself, meaning I'm going to go to the extremes at work. But that means I have to counterbalance I have to have other things happening so I don't burn out, so I don't lose my health, so I don't lose my family or my loved ones. That takes an active engagement. It just doesn't happen.

That's awesome. And I, you know, that's important to know because it's, it's also. It changes. Right? Because if you would have told me five years ago what my life would look like now, I'd be like, no way. I mean, that is out of whack. That is crazy. Like, that's not even possible. And now it seems so happy and normal to me. And it's almost to this point where I could get myself even more uncomfortable. And that's just. It's going to change. So, you know, when we talk to people, you can listen to one person, you know, their idea telling you what to do or whatever that is, but it's always going to be different because some people would be so bored or some people would be so overwhelmed. So it's finding your way of balancing within that. I love that analogy that you use. So I've got a good question for you, because can I add something? Yes.

You just said something that made me think of my kids. And it's like, that's a. There's this idea of a geometric progression that things like, you had no idea how big your life would be today, five years ago. Like, I think that when you're on this path, you'll always keep being surprised. And the thing when I ask people to envision that future, like, I really do want a big life. I want to start my own business or whatever that big dream is. A lot of people struggle to think that they could be the person who could actually do that. And the thing is, is that in the last five years, Lori, you've probably grown a whole lot, just like your kids. You know, they look at me and you know, like, I can drive a car and I have my own cell phone and all of that. And these are all like crazy, scary things, maybe for a kid, like riding a bike. But as you get older, it all becomes kind of normal because you're growing up too. And I think that process just keeps going. I just. Sorry. I just. Like you said that five year thing and it really triggered that for me.

Oh, I love that. Because that. So that brings me now into. That's how I describe habits, is people get so overwhelmed on, okay, here's where I need to go. Because I deal with a lot of people with business goals and body goals. Right, right. So those can be really, as we know, two very overwhelming things, especially to do together, like get your life together on your body because that's all you're thinking about. Oh my God, I'm hungry, I'm sore, I'm tired. I should, I should, I should. Like, you're so stressed out even from the thought of what you should be doing. And this goes back to your marathon. That was the one thing. Like that was your main focus. That was, you know, the thing. Everything el in your life was probably like pretty habitual at that point. You got it down like you're not adding some mom, you know, huge, momentous thing to your life all, you know, together. And that's what people want. They want the business, they want the body, they want it all at once. But habits don't form that way. They layer. So, you know, otherwise you exhaust yourself, you get so exhausted. Even if I'm trying to do more than one new thing at all, or even change my workout up or listen to a new podcast, that maybe I'm not used to the way this style of person is. I mean, these are all little things that are overwhelming. So can you just elaborate a little bit more on developing initial habits and where to start?

Well, that's, to me, the heart of the book. The One Thing is about can you identify the one activity, the one habit, right, the thing that will most drive your success in whatever arena it is, your health, your work, and then ultimately you want to make that a habit. So we did a lot of research around this and I had heard that habits took 30 days or 21 days to form, but we couldn't find any scientific evidence to back that. We did find some researchers in Australia that were actually trying to find the answer. And according to their research, it takes about 66 days on average to form a habit. So if you figured out like, this is going to be my one thing, like running the marathon somewhere in that 66 day range. And for some habits it takes a lot longer, some actually takes shorter. But at some point it becomes habitual. Kind of like brushing your teeth in the morning. It's just what you do and it doesn't take as much work. And so the idea of layering is you can become a person of many powerful habits, but just pursue them one at a time. So when I was running the marathon, right, it effectively stopped my smoking. Like I wasn't really as focused on that because if you're running 20 miles every two days, like you just don't crave cigarettes. That was the whole point. But I was focused on making the mileage. And what's funny is at the end of that, I became a runner. Like I because I was running every day for 90 days. Like it just became totally normal for me to start running five miles every day. And that's like a crazy big habit. But it was a lot less than I had been doing. But it became something that I could do, and it just became a habit. And then I went from there to the next thing to the next thing. And today I look up and that's how I kind of want to orchestrate my life. I want to have rituals or habits around the areas that are most important. And it's just the whole idea of layering is you can keep adding them, but it just needs to be one at a time or you'll spread yourself too thin and you'll fail.

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So how did you get a clear sense of your priorities and you know, how you wanted to to do that? You know, move to the next habit?

Well, I became conscious of how I was doing it in this book writing and definitely pursued doing it better. You know, when you look at how we describe it in the one thing you ask a question, right? And it's a question that comes from a lot of experience on Gary's part. But what's the one thing I can do such that by doing it everything else will be easier and necessary or unnecessary? My enunciation there. Sorry. So what's the one thing I can do such that by doing it everything else will be easier or unnecessary? In my experience, when people ask a very specific question like that, most of them kind of know the answer, right? What's the one thing I can do for my marriage? Well, I could probably come home and listen more or spend more time or you know, I need to eat less for my health. Most people have a pretty good idea and they feel guilty for not doing it. And so I think most of us know our answers and either we don't trust them or we're not slowing down enough. Just even ask the question. So that to me is like when people stop and ask me, I just throw the question right back at them and they'll because it's in that special moment, they'll actually think about it. Well, I think it's this. My advice is always, well then run with that for a little while. Get experience with that for a little while and chances are you'll tweak it as you go and you'll Be on the right path.

Yes. I think there's so much that even when we ask a question, I believe we have an inner knowing. And when we start asking the questions, that's when we can start feeling it. So I think it's so much about. You broke it into categories in the book, and I loved that because at first I wanted to ask you these questions around, okay, how do people know? What category do we start in first? But truly, I think when you get quiet and even if you look at the category, there's going to be one that's kind of a little more blaring to you than others. It's like, okay, yes, this one.

Maybe more than one for some of us. It really depends on where your self esteem is at this very moment. But I know exactly the page you're talking about in the US edition, it's page 114 and it's my favorite page. As much as I love business, honestly, I'm living my life for a lot of the other areas. Your spiritual life, your physical life, your personal life, your key relationships. We just kind of broke it down into seven buckets where you could say, what's my one thing here? And it's funny, I just had a group of people that were visiting and they asked about this. And you can just do this on the back of a napkin. If you were to write those areas, your spiritual life, your physical life, your personal life, that's like your hobbies, right? What do I do for myself and no one else? Your key relationships, your job, your business, if you own one, and your finances. I just tell people right now without really thinking about it. And this goes to your inner knowing. Score yourself one to ten in each of those areas where one is, you should be fired, right? They need to call your parents and send you home from school. Ten is you're just nailing it. It's really hard to think about getting much better. In my experience, when people do that fast, nobody scores themselves a 10, right? It just doesn't happen. But you do see some twos and threes, and you do see some sevens and nines. And my question usually then is, you've got an opportunity now you can. Because it just becomes real clear when you put that number there, right? Oh, I've got a three on my personal life, which describes a lot of professional women, by the way, because they're taking care of everyone but themselves. And you have it. You can take that focus on taking that three to a nine or a ten. Or you could take your seven on your job or your seven on your key relationships because you're nailing your work and you're nailing your family, but you're neglecting yourself. Do you want to raise one of those to a 10 or do you want to fix the pain? I'll tell you from experience, almost everyone goes to the pain point. And in fixing that, the other stuff, we call it the halo effect now. And we didn't even really. We wrote about it like a paragraph in the book and we'd seen it in the science. And now that we're working with people more, I'm seeing it like, because someone is focused on like my wife is going to ceramics classes at night. She went last night. Like the fact that she's doing self care is going to spill over into her other areas of her life and make it better. So it's not like you're neglecting everything else. For one thing. You are focusing on one thing and ironically, some of those other things are going to benefit as a result.

Oh my goodness. Yes. That's. That's so amazing. It's funny. I want to take a ceramics class too. So I'm, I'm like, just wanted to dive in about asking. She's wanting to be coffee cups or what is she doing?

She's an entrepreneur. Yeah. She's making pots. She goes, I made so many pots last night. She was ecstatic.

Oh my gosh.

She goes, it's just so process oriented because she runs a big business. They've done over 40 million in sales so far this year.

Wow.

So she's got that complexity during the day and she's like, habit for her. Yeah. It was like ecstasy. It was great. It was fun to see her come home last night. She was bouncing off the walls. See, that's so ceramics class.

I know. Tell her to start a ceramics Instagram page for me so I can drool over her stuff as if she's not busy enough. But really, that is huge. When I do anything like that, not only do I just feel more of a sense of, you know. Because you're focusing on that, on that one thing. Right. She's probably really enjoying letting her creative side out, enjoying the focus on that. Because your mind is not going to all of these other places, so you don't feel as stressed out, you don't feel as exhausted. You feel like you got a little bit of you time. When you do that, you're just more full in every single area. My husband and I danced for a really long time. We still do sometimes ballroom dancing and I will tell you, it was like therapy. It was like couples therapy. On top of stress reliever, on top of shining a light on all of your crap in your relationship. Like, it was like, I love you, I hate you. This is your fault that I'm not dancing. Well, it was. It was great, but really leading right now.

Yeah, exactly. My wife and I took dance classes, too. It's hard to have two a personalities because someone, they both want to lead.

Oh, my God. We were both leading. He was like, please, for the love, let me lead. And I was like, okay. But that was interesting, too, right? Like, letting me be in the masculine and feminine and like, when is it time and when is it beautiful? And when is it. It's like, it's so interesting. We go on and on about that, but really, you are so correct that it just goes into every one thing. Could really up those numbers by quite a bit. And I love that you said opportunity, because that is the most beautiful. That's what we have. That's where we have to go instead of getting overwhelmed by, oh, my God, I'm such a loser. My numbers are so low. It's like, wow, I've got a lot of opportunity to be way happier in my life.

And I think because we're living in the moment with ourselves, I don't know why people do this, but we always assume the people around us are doing better. And it's something that my mentor, I've seen him go on big stages and talk about how, you know, his son was in trouble or, you know, some big disaster in his life or a health problem. And I remember asking him, like, you just were in front of 8,000 people and talking about, you know, his son getting in trouble. And I was like, why are you doing that? He goes, well, because I don't want them sitting there and thinking, because I built this company, that my life isn't just as crazy as theirs. And the fact is, I think there are very, very, very few people who are that transparent. And therefore, we tend to misinterpret what success really looks like. And we're so much harder on ourselves. Everybody's got twos and threes, so it's an opportunity. It doesn't mean you're broken.

Jay, do you think that we can have all tens at once?

I want to live my life as if that's a possibility. The reality is, if a 10 represents some kind of mastery, that's going to be really challenging. I believe in the science. You know, it's 10,000 hours of focused practice. And maintenance. The reality is you've probably got room for about two or three areas in your life. Most people won't even do one. I've known people who are masters at business and also could be a semi pro in golf. Right. But I think you have to narrow it down and realize that we don't have all the time in the world to pursue all of these things to those levels. But none of them has to be deficient. And I absolutely believe that they could all be sevens. Right. Which would be on the very positive side. There's no reason they couldn't be sevens or eights. But a 10, I want to believe it's possible because I want to stretch my limits. But the reality is it's not probable. You're probably going to be a 10 in one, maybe two areas.

You know, I actually love that just because it excites me, because so much, and I know that this will probably be the same for you, is that so much of what excites me every day is the fact that if I put some work into something, I can feel better or get better or learn something more. And that's really, for me, where my joy and happiness lies is constantly in the learning and growing. So to me, it actually sounds like, well, I don't want to be a 10 in all areas, because then what? Then what? You know?

And a 10 doesn't mean it's perfection, because I think true mastery, the way we learned it was in our research for the book, is it's just really the mindset of a perpetual student. And the lessons you're learning are still around the basics, but they're going to a level of minutiae. Like, we studied these huge white papers on swimmers, like Olympic swimmers. They're still getting coached on their stroke, but it might be the angle of their pinky now, right. They've got almost everything down, and they're doing stroke after stroke, and they're just cognizant of this tiny thing that an amateur wouldn't even be aware of. And there's a great book by a guy named Leonard called Mastery where he describes, I believe he was learning judo or aikito, I can't remember, but this journey and how pleasant it is. And I remember after reading that and doing the research, I was like, wow, it really is the basics. But because you've been doing them for so long, you get the joy of seeing the nuance in them. And there is real joy. I mean, everybody, it's not just you. When we are getting better and making Progress. That's where our greatest happiness comes from. That's just a fact. When we arrive at the destination. I mean, when you score a touchdown, what do you do? You run to the bench. But the progress you make along the way is where most of life's happiness comes from. So, yeah, keep growing. Set giant goals that you can never hit it.

Done and done. Okay. So, you know, I. I love that. I feel like I just would really love if you guys could print wallpaper with the spiritual relationships, Job, business, finances, personal. Just because I feel like life goes in seasons and sometimes, you know, I just came out of a. A major business season, and I. We like to do, like, 90 day pushes. Just what, you know, how can we stretch ourselves for these 90 days and then, you know, take a break? Well, at the end of the 90 days, we were so. We were doing so well, and we were so excited. We had so much going on that we. My husband and I came and we had a little meeting. We were like, you know what? Let's just add 30 more days. And then we added probably another 15 days. And all of a sudden, we were so burnt out that it was like we both felt crazy, and we were starting to resent people and resent things and probably resent each other. So how do you know? Are there some signs for you in your life when it's time to stop and realize it's a change of the season or even to let a good thing, you know, kind of simmer down to maybe focus on some other things?

Wow. Okay. So you just described. I mean, I think every entrepreneur has been there. You know, they've gotten passionate about their vision and kind of lost themselves to it, but it's not sustainable. So kind of the approach that we've pursued around this is I just kind of set some tight parameters about the hours I give to work now. I try to go home. And for our family, we made a decision that except for Fridays, we're going to eat at the table together, Whole Foods, the real deal. Because we read a lot of research that that's just really good for their kids and parents. That FaceTime with the TV off. Friday night's movie night. So we get to do whatever we want. But, you know, there's that ritual. So, you know, there's a clock ticking in my mind, and it means that during the day at work, I just have to be a better employer of my time. So I may not goof off at the coffee pot. I may not spend a little time on Facebook, may neglect it for days At a time, because I do have a commitment to being great at work and doing my best work here, but that also have a bigger commitment to being present and have the energy to give my family. Now you guys are in a special boat. You're both entrepreneurs in the same business, so you would probably have to hold each other to that standard. But you can chip away at it. You know, my wife and I, when we had two kids, 16 months apart, are, you know, my personal life. Right. My key relationship habit. We established date night and we wanted to make it a habit. Well, we couldn't do it on Fridays and Saturdays because we just couldn't reliably get a babysitter. So tonight is a Wednesday when we're recording this and it's date night. And I look forward to my Wednesdays because I know that for all the craziness in our life, there's this oasis that happens every seven days where we get to go out and reconnect. And it's funny, everybody in my life, we've been doing this for now, seven, eight years. Everybody in our life now knows this about us. They're like, hey, Jay, it's five o', clock, It's Wednesday, go home. It's daytime. Right. And everyone is. I mean, it would be the same thing if they saw me smoking a cigarette, because that would be the wrong habit for me. Right. People know us by how we behave on a regular basis. And so this has become a part of the fabric of our life. Do I violate that sometimes?

Yeah.

Like, Wendy's going to be traveling next week, I'll be traveling the week after. But by and large, I bet we still get a minimum of about 45 dates a year. And that's the minimum, right? Because, you know, we went to a wedding last week, we go on vacations, but we created an island and we time blocked it. That's the language we use and said, that's what this time is for. And we just don't violate it unconsciously. And getting home, like, so that means, like, that's how you don't burn it out. You could have a launch that went on forever, but if you were only working from 8am to 6pm or whatever you thought was an acceptable level, that means you're always getting your rest. You're not burning it till midnight every night. Does that make sense?

Oh, yeah, totally. So just, you know, I will tell you, we learned so many lessons just from this last one. And it's funny, we have done it many times before where we've been like well, we can't do that again. And then we do it again. But, but you know, that's also, I think that's a part of the learning process. But just like you said, we've gotten so much better, especially because we work together with learning to set boundaries, like him. And I now know that we need to plan in every three to four months, seven to nine days of totally off, some somewhere else, traveling, like outside of our house, because our house is our office and we love to work. So we can work on the weekends, we can talk about work, all that good stuff. But if we don't get out of here and get out of this energy, no matter if we even said we're going to take three days off and do nothing, there's our laptop, we'll pick it up, we'll be like, oh, but this is fun, you know, so now we know that. And also we have a, a fry date. So that's our Friday date day. Love it. But we, we've been traveling a lot, so it's just getting back to that. And I love that you said that because it's not easy to estab in the beginning. It's easy to set an appointment there so that the rest of my week isn't so stacked up. But I'll tell you what, if I don't have that Friday date, I feel disconnected. I don't feel like I ever get a break. So I love that you have that. So what are some things, you know, because definitely things have tried to get in the way. What is the language you use around that? And what are the reminders that you guys do to make sure that stays clear?

Well, one technique, like at the very beginning of the year, we do it before the year. I'll go to my calendar. My wife and I will pick when we're most likely to go on vacation. You know, it's one of the reasons that so many people, like, they give up, you know, weeks of vacation every year. Americans are horrible about this. Europeans are so much smarter than we are at getting the rest they need so that they can come back and be strong. And that's what a vacation is for someone who works hard. So we have those blocked out. And the funny thing is, if we've got a week blocked out for this or two weeks for that, if it's on the calendar way in advance, work will naturally slot around it. It's very rare that some big opportunity will happen right in the middle of it and you could choose to violate it then or move your vacation to that place or whatever that was, that's all viable. But for the most part, I found that if you put it on your calendar early enough, even if you don't know where you're going, especially in a married couple, it's on both your calendars. Neither of you is going to book that time without hopefully getting permission from the other one. So it tends to kind of stay there. So the vacation happens. The same thing happens with my calendar for I have a recurring invitation to go on a date with my wife on Wednesday nights. So when someone tries to send me an invite that overlaps that, what do I see? So it's a simple technique. Some research we read after we wrote the book. So we went back, and not everyone's edition has it, but it was in the British Journal of Health Psychology, and they were trying to get people to exercise for 20 minutes a day. And so they had the control group, they were just told, go exercise for 20 minutes a day. The motivation group was told to exercise for 20 minutes a day. And they were given a pamphlet about all the benefits to your health, your love life, your heart, you know, from 20 minutes a day of regular exercise. And the last group, they called the intention group, and they had the same literature about motivation, why they should work out, but they had to do one additional thing. They had to make a written commitment about when and where they were going to get their 20 minutes of exercise. So in essence, they had to create a calendar invite. So the simple act of navigating your calendar. Right, I know why I should do this, but when and where am I going to do? Went from 35% likely to achieve the goal to 91% likely. So it's a simple act of making an appointment. Like you would keep it with a stranger, but now you're going to keep it with yourself. Made people almost three times more likely to do what they wanted to do.

Oh, yes. I love that you have the actual percentages, because for me, I mean, I'm like 100% failure rate if it doesn't get planned and 100% it will. Absolutely. If it's on my calendar, it's happening because it takes an intentional canceling. And that makes me ask myself questions of go.

That word intention. Did you hear it? That's what the researchers called it. By making the commitment, it's showing a degree of intention that wasn't there by just thinking it or saying it.

Oh, I love that. And it just. That's what it does. I didn't. I mean, I know what it does, but when you really go into the layers of what it does, it's actually making yourself be so aware that if you're gonna cancel this, why, why are you doing that and what are you missing out on? So really, really interesting. I love that. All right, so what do you do every single day to earn your happy, to make your that, you know, you can't miss?

It's family time for me. I mean, my purpose is very tied to being kind of the best husband and father. Totally cheesy barf in your mouth stuff.

I love it. I love it. We celebrate that here.

Yeah. And it's written on the top of my goal sheet that's with me everywhere I go. And I translate that. Like, if I want to be the best father I can be, like, well, I need to show them that you can live a big life at work and still be a husband and a father. Like, it all ties together for me. So for me, like this morning, you know, we have a trainer that shows up at 5:30 in the morning. That was our health habit that we committed to together. And we've been doing that for almost five years now. And it's a tough workout, but the accountability is like, if we don't wake up, he's knocking on the window. It's great. It's like that, like your dance class. It's kind of a therapy class. It's that extra hour in the day that I get to spend with my wife. And some magic happened this week. My son, who's 12 years old, said, I'd really like to start working out with y'. All. And I said, that's great. You're gonna have to set your alarm and make your way down because we'll be in the middle of our workout. And I didn't want to do it for him. Right. I wanted it to be his. So he slept through it on Monday. And when I went up to check on him, you know, to wake him up so he could go to camp, he was a little teary eyed because he was upset with himself. So he woke up this morning, did an amazing job in the workout. The poor guy threw up twice afterwards. It was hot. It's hot here even at 5:30 in the morning. But I was just so proud of him. And it was just that moment where we were all in the pool afterwards, kind of relax and decompress. And I was like, it's just so great to launch my days with my family in the morning. So that morning time with my family is absolutely where I earn my happy because I'VE launched my day with something really important to me.

Oh, I love that. And what a great lesson for him. And I'm just always, you know, because Chris and I want to be parents later on, and it's just I'm soaking in everything. So thank you so much for that. So where can we. I've loved this conversation. First of all, thank you so much. I feel like I could keep you on here forever, but I'm gonna let you, you know, enjoy your family. So I'm so grateful for you. I appreciate you.

Thank you so much. I've loved it, too. I love the whole point of your podcast and who you're trying to reach, because there's a lot of strivers out there, and they need to keep earning that every single day, because that's what we're here for, right? I mean, I just love it.

Yes, absolutely. I know. I feel like I'm the blessed one who gets to receive, really, on this end, so. All right, where can we find you? Where can we follow you? All that good stuff?

You know, luckily, my name, Jay Papizan, is super easy to Google, so theonething.com is where everything about the book is, and that's theonething.com. we've got tons of free resources on there. Definitely check that out. And then I manage my own social pages. I drop in for a very small time block in the morning and the afternoon, but I definitely respond when people reach out with questions about the book. It may take me a day or two, but I get to it. So people can absolutely feel free to reach out to me on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

You guys, he does respond. This is totally how I have him on my podcast, is because he responded on my Instagram. So I'm so grateful for that. All right, so last and final question. If you are on an elevator with somebody and you only have about 30 seconds left and they look over at you and they say, how can I make myself happy? What would you say?

Wow. I'll go with the theme of this. I think that get comfortable saying no, so you can really say yes.

Oh, so good. Thank you so much. And you guys, if you loved this episode as much as I did, make.

Sure you share it, tweet it, shout.

It out, and until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am sorry. So glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye bye.