550. Q+A: Asking for help

It's not easy being authentic because you're going to rock the boat a bit and upset people, but ultimately you're going to be free and you're going to move into your goals and move people into their goals faster. Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Hello, everybody in Evans. Welcome back to Questionably Awesome. How you feeling? Are you feeling questionable today?

I am feeling super questionable today. How about you?

Oh, you know, I think that from week to week, it's always questionable. Yeah, it's so funny because this podcast is obviously called Earn your happy, but it really just should be like, how you feeling today? And it doesn't really matter, but I don't know if that would get listeners.

I think it would.

I really like that.

How you feeling? What's your. What's your. What's your mood?

Okay, here's where I'm at right now, and then I want to know where you're at, because we're in another. We're in another room that is like, Evans is coming to this podcast from another unknown room, so I must. Because she's traveling the US right now a bit. Just for context, I assume that everybody listens to these podcasts, but I'm pretty sure they don't, so just kidding.

They're like, who is this person?

Who is this? You know what? We should probably give them that rundown just about on every single one. Like, this was my former amazing freaking assistant, and I only had her for a year because she was that good. But that was the best year of my life. I don't think I'll ever top it. So now we can be real friends because she had the best. She had better boundaries than I did. It was just like, I want to be friends with her. And you were like, I'm respecting you as. As a boss or something. I don't even know. And I loved it. I was so grateful because you taught me so much about, like, how Important those boundaries are. So thanks for that.

Oh, my gosh.

Wow.

That was the most amazing intro I've ever heard.

Well, I'll be sure to. I'll be sure to bring that around on most all intros, but, yeah, I feel like we were supposed to be going somewhere right now. Oh, how are we? How are.

Yeah, how are you doing? It's day 30,000 of the year 2020.

It really has kind of slipped into, like, this is what we're doing right now. Chris had like a memory pop up or something on I don't know where, probably Facebook, because that's where memories pop up. And he was like, oh, my God. It's really sinking in that we used to go to, like, some pictures from us in New York, popped up in a restaurant and he was like, we used to do this. And I was like, yeah, we did. Did we like it?

Restaurants? Yeah.

So I don't know. I think this is a really big reset for everybody. We'll see what happens. We'll see if, you know, we decide to go back to the way that we were as far as just how we were functioning in our own life. But I really do think it's a massive, like, look at what's not going right for you and see if you can change it. So I'm very curious to hear how that's feeling for you.

Ooh, I have my good and bad days, but right now I've really been feeling a lot of slowing down in life. And I've been reading a ton. Like, not just self help books, but like novels, I guess you could say. You know, the novels.

Oh, God, so good. I saw somebody post a novel, I think it was yesterday, and I was like, wait, I want to try that. I want to do that again. I used to do that. That sounds really good. Which, relax, it is. So what novel are you reading that you like?

Oh, right now I'm reading An American Marriage, which. It sounds like a self help book, but it's not. It's a really cool story. I also like reading books that you read as like a teenager or like even younger, like Judy Blume books. Those are really fun if you want to check those out. You know what I mean?

Oh, my God. You just brought me back to a memory from. So when I was in elementary school, I had never really read a book on my own at that point. And I. This is. This is a funny story. I read that, like, my whole class was reading the Boxcar Children and I fell so in love with it that I stole the Book from the library. And they. And, like, I justified it in my head so much. I would never steal anything else. Like, I was that child that my dad could yell at me, and that was it. Tears. Like, I would freak out. Like, I would tell on everybody. But for some reason, I justified the shit out of Boxcar Children. And, like, they were looking for it in school. They were like, we don't know where this book is. It was our only copy of it. And I would not tell anybody because I just. I loved it. And I just. The way it looked and the way it felt. And it felt, like, very vintage and old, and it felt like adventure. And it felt like this, like, secret that I could keep because my soul was just, like, wild. And I was like, these kids get me. And it just. I couldn't let it go. So I remember, like, years later, I had put it in my closet, like, for fear my mom would find it, because they probably, like, sent home things like, where did the Boxcar Children go? Maybe they didn't. But I thought that's what was happening. Like, I thought police were coming. So I hid it. And then I found it years later, and I was like, oh, my God, I stole this book. Anyway, must have been some. It must have been a good book. So if your child ever steals anything, like, really get to the root of why they're. Why they feel they need it. I'd like to unpack that with somebody one day maybe. I gotta call my friend Christine Hassler to try to unpack why I stole that book. You should.

I read those books, too. Was there something about. Cause that was about a family. Right. And they lived. Didn't they live on a train or something?

They either ran away and they lived in a boxcar. Yeah. And it was like, a bunch of kids that lived in a boxcar. And so, I don't know, it was, like, all about adventure and having to, like, fend for yourself. And, like, there was, like, cool characters and. I don't know.

What?

I don't know.

Well, I think it's really big of you that you came clean with that.

Oh, I never came clean. I mean, now I'm 39. I was probably 8 or 9 when I did it. So give yourself a good 30 years of sweeping things under the rug and time. So whatever you guys have to let go of, it'd be really powerful to find a good friend and let go of it today.

Yes. Let it go. And I'm holding that space for you to let go of. The Boxcar Children.

Thank you. I Wish I could find that copy. I would love to read that book, but now you're making me want to go find it. I promise I won't steal it. I'll check it out. Or I'll buy it. Maybe I'll buy two to make up for it and send it back to my elementary school that no longer exists. That's so sad.

Well, we've all done stuff like that when we're little, and I think it's fun to go revisit those books. And especially now. It's such a good time to get lost in a book or if you listen to it or read it or however you process your books.

I love it.

It makes me feel so much better.

So you were a Judy Blum. I never read those books. Tell me about them. What does it make you feel?

It's like a real. It's like a little nostalgic feeling. And you can also see yourself as being that little girl. And then what did she do?

Like, what was her shtick?

The one I'm reading right now is, are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. And she gets her period, and she talks about, like, bras and stuff. And don't you remember, like, being young and thinking about, like, what is happening to me?

Oh, my.

Can we talk about how weird it is? Can I tell you what I did? Because I was so embarrassed. Like, so my dad grew up essentially in an orphanage until he was, like, 14. So he would just say whatever the F was on his mind. He would just be like, hey, you're getting chubby. Or, hey, you're getting boobies. Or, like, get a bra. Like, he would just. Whatever was on his mind. And he let. He loved you. He loves me more than anything, but he just. He doesn't. He's never had that filter. He was raised by a bunch of other boys. So for me, I was always dodging a comment. Like, that was. I was like, what can I do to not get an embarrassing comment? Because as a teenage girl, you are sensitive. Or I was. Let me just not put that blanket on everyone. So freaking sensitive. So when I started getting boobs, I was like, oh, no, this cannot be happening. And I didn't want to ask for a bra because I didn't want to be like, laurie has a bra.

No.

So I would put a bunch of band aids over my nipples. I'm not kidding. Yeah, I did that. And then I was like, it wasn't working anymore. And you could see the. All of the patches of band Aids over my boobs. And I was like, oh, my God, I have to get a bra. Like. And so I went to my mom and I was like, I need a bra. And I was like, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah. And then I hid. I hid the period thing too. Like, how crazy that we were scared to say. Like, I'm so grateful for. I know that it's probably crazy for parenting now. Like, I guarantee Chris and I talk about all the time. I'm like, I don't know how the hell I'm going to do that. Like, because they're getting. It's like parenting has been replaced by the Internet. They're going to know everything. Long before. But, man, I. I would have Googled like when I was young, like, is this normal? Am I a normal human? And I'd get a lot of answers like, yeah, you're freaking normal. Instead of thinking, what is wrong with me? You know what I mean?

Exactly. And you'd also. I mean, there's good and bad to the Internet because there's some crazy stuff out there.

Oh, yeah.

But I felt the same way, like when my body started changing and I didn't know what to do. And it's like you don't know who to turn to and you worry. You compare yourself and then you just grow up to be a woman and you're like, wait, I still kind of feel like I'm 13.

I have so many emotions of a 13 year old, it's not even funny. And I'm just like, I see you. I get it. I get that the exterior is changing, but the engine is the same.

Exactly. It's kind of like even though so much has changed, you're still. You still have that part of you, that little vulnerable person. And maybe it's kind of a lesson to be nicer to yourself or just keep that in the back of your mind sometimes.

I mean, I think that's. That was it. We can end this podcast. That's the wisdom. I try to extract it, you know, extract it like a cavity on each one. There's the cavity. Let's take that, put it in our pocket. Okay.

Take it out.

Tell me about this room you're in. Where are you? Where in the world is Evans? Oh, my God. You have a different last name.

I have a different last name. Sager. It's weird.

Thank you again for reminding me. Because you're forever Evan Craddock. In my Instagram, in my email, and in my mind.

Totally fine with me. I'm in Charleston, South Carolina, and it's Humid and beautiful, and I love it.

Oh, amazing. And you're in your. A room of your mother's that's getting redecorated, remodeled.

Yes. So hopefully we'll get rid of this color.

Oh, that. So it's a very. It's. It's almost like a mustard beige. Very popular color I've painted. I painted one of my homes that color. The entire home. Because I was like, no, no, it's. It's got to be that perfect, beigey, neutral, mustard color. And I went through so many samples to find that turdish color that is behind you right now.

Yeah. Why do we want that? It's not.

I don't know. It's not bad. It's totally not bad at all. But it's not. I don't know. We went through this phase of these. Like, I just told Chris this. I was like, I went through this phase where everything in my home needed to look like Tuscany for some reason, or like the old version of Olive Garden. And I was like, if it doesn't look like Olive Garden in Tuscany, I don't want to live in it. It's not for me. And so I textured walls. I bought curtains that made me feel like I was under the Tuscan sun and in Olive Garden with unlimited breadsticks. I must have had some great experiences there. Cause I was just like, bring back the emotion felt. I can't have the breadsticks. I'm going to have the textured yellow walls. And we had. So I spent. I spent so much time trying to make my house look like an Olive Garden.

I think that's awesome.

Only to be like, huh? It was never what I wanted. I was clearly trying to fill a void with my paint samples. We've all done it, haven't we? We're like, I'm. I can't rest until this wall is right. Oh, God.

Sponge painting the work.

Oh, for sure. It was all about the sponge painting. Especially if you could get some, like, gold leafing. Fancy.

That's nice.

Some people may not know what I'm talking about here. And I'm telling you that you're missing some rich cultural history. So. Yes, you are. Look it up. Look it up. Midwest. Midwest housewives. Look it up. Do you have a quote?

Yes. It's not. It's okay. It's a better.

I love that. We're like, you know what? I want to bring this audience really good, average material. Go for it.

Really do. Okay. I went with Brene Brown, and she said, we don't have to do it all alone. We were never meant to.

That's not. That is. That is an above average quote.

I don't know, I just felt like it needed more.

Sometimes less is more.

You're right. Less is more.

Less is more. Everybody do less. All right. Robert Kiyosaki says one of the biggest defects in life is the inability to ask for help. Right. There you go.

So true.

Thanks, Robert. Thank you, Robert. Yes. So do we have a review of the week?

Yes. The review is from Andy Ruth.

Andy Ruth. Oh, my God. I was actually just DMing her. She. Yeah, that's funny.

My answer? Well, she wrote a review and she said, changing lives one episode at a time. Lori, I'm going to talk to you in my review because I feel like you've been talking to me in every episode since you launched the podcast. Your message, your words, your humor and your energy have the ability to transform my day.

And.

And this podcast has become part of my morning ritual. And if you have something for me, you have something for me in all the stages I'm in, if I'm giving self development a rest and feel called to just laugh, then you and Evans are it. If I want to have a swift kick in the pants, there you and Chris are. And if I want to be seen, loved, and empowered, there you are. Lori, thank you for being consistent, because without your consistency, I'm not sure where I'd be. Your impact is huge.

Oh, my God, that is like, the best review ever. Like, how freaking amazing. I'm telling you, while sometimes the Internet, we're like, dang it, this is so challenging. There are so many beautiful things that we get to experience that we have never experienced before. Like people actually saying the kindest things ever. So you know what? When things go wrong, I'm gonna focus on that.

Yes.

And the great people. And said, Andy, thank you so for freaking much for that awesome review. Me and Evans are just, like, smiling from ear to ear and those things make a. Yeah, maybe misty eyed.

It was really lovely.

Ah, so beautiful. All right. What? Speaking of the asking for help in the past tense, our questions are on asking for help. Help me, Evans. Please help me. You know what's so great about Evans? I gotta tell you guys? Like, I was like, hey, Evans, want to do this podcast with me? And she was like, sure. And then I was like, great. Can you also always have a review and get the questions in order? So she's been doing that since the beginning of this. Like, I just come up here and I assume that she'll Always have the questions in a review and she does.

It's the least we can do. We're just helping each other.

Are you two people right now?

I'm two people.

It's the least Evans and Hillary can do. You guys don't know Evans. Evans birth name is Hillary, but since she came out of the womb, even the doctor said Evans is born, so. Yeah, but actually right away you were called Evans. So it's true. Yeah. People don't know that. They might have just. They literally may just be like, what?

Why?

Oh, my God.

Do you want to answer a question?

Oh, sure.

Okay. This is from, let's see. Arisa Heyman, Common Heyman. She says I sometimes feel guilty or like a burden when asking for help. How do I overcome this?

Oh, that's just. Let's see. So feeling like a burden and asking for help if you feel that way. I'm trying to think where this even comes from. It comes from a million different places.

Right.

Probably because we believe. I. So I'm just going to speak always from my point of view. When I think of asking for help and felt like a burden, it's because I have a belief that if I'm not offering value, that I'm not valuable. I think from hearing like that, you people will like you more if you are friendly, if you're always smiling, if you are doing things for them, if you're a people pleaser, if you're just likable. Right. If you're not going to put up a. A fuss or be opinionated or be bossy. Like, it's just like, be neutral, be likable. Say yes, do all the things. That's how you'll be liked. So, you know, and also like not wanting to stand out too much because people who stand out usually get criticized or there's usually pain involved with that or people kind of, whatever might say things against you. So it's just like, be neutral. And asking for help is tough because if you feel like you don't have anything to offer in exchange, you kind of feel invaluable and like a burden or annoying. And we've all heard things like, you know, they leech on or they're a taker. Like that was a huge phrase for a long time. Right? Like they're a taker. And you're like, oh my God. The last thing I want to be labeled as is a taker. And sometimes there are going to be people that you have to ask for help. In fact, a lot of times I'm finding myself in this situation where you are going to have to ask people who have way more knowledge than you that you aren't gonna really be able to help, or they're in a place where you're like, is there anything I can help with? And they're like, no, I'm good. So what I want you to realize is that when people get to different levels, like, I love helping people who are doing the do, like, who are actually showing up, and I don't actually want their help at all in return. I'm like, no, I'm good. Like, that felt really good for me to be able to be a mentor or do X, Y and Z. But they do have to be showing up and doing the work. So you're going to have to ask for help and let it be okay. Like, this is the personal development, right? This is the work. Ask for help, do it in a massively loving way, say, thank you so much. This meant so much, and then let it be okay that you do not offer value in return. If you don't think that you can and make peace with that and move on. Like, I promise you that there will come a time that if you ask for enough help, your company or your business will grow enough that you can be like, oh, my God, I now have so much value that I can go back to that person if I so choose, if it stays with you for that long. Or you can shout them out, or you can say, they were such a help on my path. Like, this is how it works, you guys. You get somewhere and then you can go back and say thank you again. Or you can, you know, you can say that you credit so much to this person or whatever that looks like, but we are not going to be able to help the people who are going to be able to really move the needle for you. So it's like making peace with so many things. I'm telling you, if you can make peace with asking if you can make peace with things that didn't go right, if you can make peace with, like, not being able to show up in the way that you wanted, you're going to move on. It's all of these little things that trip us up over and over. How about you, Evans? When you need to ask for help, like, I know that that's a tough one for you.

I'm so bad at asking for help. And the thing that always happens whenever I do finally ask for it is it's so easy. Like, the people, after you've asked it, people are always like, of course like, it's not a problem. I would love to do that. Or I was waiting for you to ask me or something like that. I'm just thinking about planning my wedding and stuff. Like when I finally asked for stuff to do. People want to help you. People want to be a part of your life. And I guess as far as asking, I would maybe it helps to like reverse the roles and think like if someone, if your friend came to you and asked you the same question, what would they respond with? Probably they're gonna want to help you.

Yeah, I think what we're forgetting to. People want to play the hero. Like I love when, when people I love or when people I see doing like, I'm like, whoa, they're showing up like they're doing it every single day. There's, they're putting themselves out there and I can tell they're, they're really stretching themselves. I am so happy to help those people. Like, absolutely. I. Please let me help. Like, I feel like I get to be a small piece of your journey then. And you guys, it's, it makes you feel so freaking good to help someone. So don't forget that. Like you're actually robbing someone of the opportunity of something so beautiful in life. I want to remind you that a lot of people, a lot of huge like company owners, a lot of people who have retired, they, their whole life is now when you start to look at it, that people who remain happy is dedicating to then helping people. It's not even so much about growing their own thing. It's not so much about creating a new vision. They're like, you know what? I just really found that it's the most fulfilling when I can help other people with their vision and really make a big like dent in their life or in their, you know, the thing that they want to do. So it's kind of where we end up all graduating to. So don't rob somebody of the opportunity to be able to help you.

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All right, do we have another QQ.

Okay, so this is actually another question from Marissa, and it kind of goes with what you're talking about. And she asked how to know if you're asking something too big of someone.

That's a great question. I think they're gonna tell you, and I think you give them the out. So whenever you're asking for something that feels big, number one, it's probably not. Because you're probably not an expert asker yet. So number two, I always say at the end of all asks, say something like, if this is not good timing for you, no worries, I will absolutely find someone else. Or take a recommendation from you if you have one. If not, thank you so much for your time and even reading this email or considering this. So then you let yourself off the hook. They will tell you. I will absolutely tell anyone. And guess what? If they're not, if they don't have the guts to tell you or they're not in that place where they're. Where they're a little more comfortable with their boundaries, they're going to ghost you. So either one, you're not going to. You don't have to worry about it. And here's the other thing.

Yeah.

They could be like, holy shit, she asked me for something so big. Like, who does she think she is? Who cares? Someone else is not going to think that at all. Someone else is going to say, yes, I absolutely want to help with that. No, the right person will never be like, what a dumb ass. Like, who would even ask for that? Like, the right person will say, hey, you know what? This feels like a lot in my schedule right now. And the right person would actually teach you how to ask the next person. Like, I've absolutely sent voice memos to say, hey, I think you're freaking amazing. I'm not able to do this right now. And I know. Here's what I'm gonna do to help you get the answer that you want. If you ask in this way to somebody else, just make sure you say X, Y, and Z. Like, I'm like, are you open for a little bit of feedback so that we can make sure you start getting the answers that you want? And you know what? I feel weird sending that. And I'm always a little worried, but then I let it go and I'm like, if they can't see that I'm actually trying to help them, then that's okay, too. And they can be upset with me. But at least I spoke my truth and I did my best. So those are all the things that you have to go through, man. It's not easy being authentic because you're going to rock the boat a bit and upset people, but ultimately you're going to be free and you're going to move into your goals and move people into their goals faster. I love it.

I love that. It's so true. And if you. That's also a good question. Like, if you kind of feel like maybe you're asking too much of someone, then you can kind of do a check in and be like, all right, do I really need all this help or am I just afraid to push myself to do a little bit more to get to a certain level and then get the help I need?

Yes, yes, yes. A million percent yes. Like, there are so many times. And here's the interesting thing. Our, our, like our, our past things that we lean on, our past beliefs are gonna try to creep in again. So, you know, there have been so many times, even I'm gonna use this podcast as an example that I'm like, oh my God, is this too much to ask of Evans? Like, and I lean away from it because I'm like, you know what, she's a big girl. Like, she can tell me if this feels like too much or she doesn't want to do it anymore, and I just, I have to lean into that and be like, okay, let's do it. So I'm like, and if there comes a day where it's like, eh, we're good. Like, you know, whether this is with one of my masterminds that I show up with on these women, then that's an emotion that I'll deal with then. But why do we always bring every single possible scenario into the moment and be like, you know what? I, this is going great right now, but I would like to look at when it's going to go wrong. And I would like to live in this emotion right now. And all of the other bad ones too, guys.

Like, I do that all the time.

Oh my gosh. Like, what are we doing to ourselves? Like, just because our brain can do that doesn't mean that we have to keep, like, we have to latch onto those emotions. I just don't want to live that way anymore. I'm going to be 90 and be like, God, why couldn't have I had this 90 year old brain when I was, you know, in my 30s and 40s? So let's try to get that now.

Seriously, that's a great idea. Because I'm con. I'm constantly thinking about, like, worst case scenario, why it's like, let's just enjoy here.

Now we're gonna look back in 10 years and be like, are you kidding me? Like, that was the best time of my life, and I wasted it worrying about nothing. Like, this is so crazy. So I don't know, the. The. The worrying thing for me, I have to, literally, because it comes up a lot, and I have to just say, like, this is not here right now. Like, this is not even worth it. This is wasted emotion. So.

Agreed.

Switch right on over. All right, Evans, thank you so much for always showing up and for being in a different room so we can talk about it.

Thank you for letting me be in different rooms. I'm excited to see you in person someday again, soon.

I know it's. It's coming. Chris. Chris was like, are they back yet? Are they back yet? I'm like, no, she's still in a. She's still in Tuscany. I'm just not sure. So, any last words of wisdom?

Read Judy Blume because it'll bring you back.

Oh, and when things were just light and you'll be like, wait, I wasn't worried about things here. Or maybe you were. Maybe you were just worried about a.

Bra, and then you realize how ridiculous it is because you don't need to worry about it. It's all good.

No. And J.C. penney's has a plethora of sports bra type bras that you can choose from. So let go of the band aids. Just ask. Just ask your mom to take you to a department store. It's going to be great.

Wait, it's kind of funny because we had trouble asking for, like, bras and what to do when our period was. Now we're talking about asking for help.

Yeah, the whole thing just tied together. I mean, look at that golden thread from the start to finish of this podcast.

I mean, well, this is next level. You're welcome.

You know, I'm gonna submit this podcast for an award. If you could. If you can. So. All right, we're gonna stop there because this is going down a track that I think that we want to stop that train. So, you guys, we always love to see who is listening to this. We always love to hear your takeaways. We always love to hear if we just made you laugh or if we made you miserable. So actually, we don't. We don't want to know. Feedback is great, but this podcast is just meant to be for fun. So there you go. All right, you guys, until next time, be questionably awesome. Goodbye, Evans and everybody else. Goodbye. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye Bye.

Sam.