558. Fear is just a four-letter word - with Tracy Tutor

Before we start, let's talk about Talk Space. Don't fast forward this. I promise this could affect your life in a major way or somebody that you love. I think we're all dealing with stress right now. Whether it's isolation, canceled summer plans, economic stress. We all have something on our minds and it's so important to talk it out. We're dealing with a lot of uncertainty right now and talking helps, plain and simple. You guys, Talk Space is an online therapy so here to help you do just that. It matches you with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home, and it helps you get the support that you need or whatever schedule works for you. So you can Talk to a therapist 247 from your phone or computer and hear back daily. You guys Talk Space is so important to me because this podcast is all about happiness. And I know that if you are searching for for something in your life, if you're feeling lonely, if you're feeling uncertain, I know that this could also help you or somebody that you love. If you are feeling alone, if you're feeling isolated, and if you feel like you don't have your tribe yet and you just need some extra help, it's affordable, it's secure, and we all need to talk sometimes. So Talkspace gives us the support we deserve at a price we can afford. So match with your Perfect therapist@talkspace.com or download the app. Use promo code Lori L O R I in all caps to get $100 off your first month and help support the show. That's talkspace.com promo code L O R I in all caps.

If you are the extrovert that's funny and out there and dynamic in a social situation, but maybe not so good at, like the day to day, then figure out a way to, you know, have someone you know with you or on your team or an assistant that actually has that skill set. There's no point in hiring someone or working with someone that brings to the table what you do. That just creates a competitive nature within your, you know, unit that you don't need.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of the Bliss Project. Three time fitness world champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me here?

Here we go.

So happy you are back for another episode. I always am so grateful for you guys tuning in, especially if you're cool with leaving me a review. You guys know that I always love that. And I shout them out throughout some of the other podcasts and on today's episode, I'm super excited because I have been a huge fan fan of this.

Particular reality show that has been on TV for a long time.

And that is Bravo's Million Dollar Listing la. It's always so much fun to see the different places in Los Angeles where I live. And on the show today is Tracy Tudor. She is a top real estate agent at Douglas Ellman Beverly Hills, consulting with some of the world's leading architects and developers. She is the first and only female cast member on this show, which is Bravo's million dollar listing LA. It's the show's 12th season and it's set to premiere in May 2020 and run until August 2020. And she lives in Los Angeles with her two amazing daughters.

And I'm thrilled to have Tracy on.

Because she also not only does so many different things, but she just wrote a book. You guys, this book is right up my alley. It is called Fear is Just a four letter Word. It is all about not second yourself and how to develop the unstoppable confidence to own any room. So, you guys, let's get started with the show.

Tracy, I'm so excited to have you on the show. Thank you for coming on.

Oh, my gosh, thanks so much for having me, Laurie. I love, like, I love doing this stuff and particularly being in quarantine. I'm like, yes, I have an appointment.

You have an appointment. You can kind of see people. Yeah, it's like, in the weird way we were just saying, it's kind of like a really good time to do like the whole podcasting tour. And yeah, it's what you're doing. So here we are. So I'm so excited because it's crazy. Your PR company reached out to me and they were like, hey, Tracy Tudor has a new book out. And I was like, what? Like, my husband and I have watched Million Dollar Real Estate since the day it started, so I have literally not missed an episode. And I loved that they brought a woman on. So I'm very like. I was like, hold on one minute.

Who is that? This is great.

So I was super thrilled, so excited, because we live right in Santa Monica, so it's so much fun to watch where you live, be on TV all the time, and then to watch a powerhouse like yourself come in, it was just. It's so fun.

So, yeah, I mean, I love being on the show. It's been a blast. So I'm glad you're a fan. We're gonna be premiering soon, which is great. Thank God. Oh, girl.

I know, because it's quarantine and I'm watch.

I know.

I have so many fans that are like, are you kidding me? It got postponed. Well, like, for everyone out there, I mean, you know, you have to remember advertisers have to cut back on their costs and everybody's struggling. So we're doing the best we can. But now we're officially airing on June 16 at 10pm, right after the Vanderpump Rules reunion. And then we'll be on 9pm every Tuesday thereafter.

Yeah, we can't wait. We have our popcorn ready. Okay, so you have an amazing book coming out. It comes out in July, correct?

Yeah, July 14th. It'll be in bookstores and obviously you can find it and pre order it now on Amazon or Penguin Random House, but it will be officially out on July 14th.

Okay, so there's just a million questions for you because your book is based on fear and it's called Fear is.

Just a Four Letter Word.

How to Develop Unstoppable Confidence. And I can tell you. So I. I've had a women's event for eight years. I've worked with multiple businesses, like just this pot. Between this podcast and the feedback and business masterminds that we do, the thing that we can always get to the root of is fear for people. Not just women. Right. But especially women. It goes into so many different things of fear, of being too much fear, of asking fear from people pleasing fear. Like, there's so much fear around taking the leap. So first of all, I want to kind of note, because if I could just like, you know, like, take a little bit of your blood out of your system and just like pump it into people so they could get a little bit of your confidence, that would be amazing. But you put it in a book, so that's really good. So tell me, where did this come from? Like, where did you come out of the womb? Just like completely confident or how did that work?

No, I think, you know, I think obviously we are who we are. Yeah. And I definitely come from two very outspoken parents, my mom and my dad. Both have a pretty strong sense of self. So I was raised that way. So I think it's partially, you know, within you and then I think it's your environment. And I think, you know, the best thing that you can do is sort of nurture that space if you're not getting it from outside influences yourself so that you can figure out how to become sort of fearless and confident. And that's why I wrote the book. I mean, truthfully, I've been selling real estate for 20 years and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. And I think obviously fear was a big piece of that. So I want to be able to reach out to other women that are getting back into business or entering the world of business, coming out of college and being able to talk to them about embracing that fear and owning it. And then also, you know, sharing my stories of massive failures along the way so that it doesn't take them 20 years to get where I am.

So what would you say in the beginning when you first started getting into, like stepping into your dream was something that really was either on repeat in your head or was holding you back. What were some of the things in the beginning that were major barriers for you that you really felt like were walls?

I was raised around very. My father was. Is a very strong figure in my life. He's incredibly masculine. He's a beast. And you know, he had a very strong. Has a very strong personality. I don't know why I keep talking about it in the tense, but so I was always in rooms with him and you know, his ego is quite large. And I think I learned a little bit of my grit and my ability to deal with powerful personalities from him in addition to my mom. But that's sort of where it started for me. I mean, this is a guy who, you know, when he's busy and you know, running a billion dollar corporation, picks up the phone, but he'd answer it and say things like what? And it's like very off putting. And it's like I just had to learn how to deal with that type of ego. And I think that that in most cases, in successful environments, in different industries across the board, from real estate to finance, most of people in powerful positions have big egos and dominant personalities. So you have to know how to navigate that.

That is huge. And I know that in the beginning of just asking or starting to figure out what direction to go or putting yourself out there. Let's talk about that. Putting yourself out there. So it's very easy like, you could have taken the way that your father was or the way that you were treated in probably different situations. You probably could have taken things really personally or, you know, I had read some of your wording was. So many women are getting thrown off by different things. And what does that look like? To learn how to navigate that, to not get emotionally, like, feel that emotional charge and have it take us down for a week at a time.

Because that's really the thing, right? It's how long it takes you down. And I think it's obviously experience. You don't wake up and all of a sudden, like, read the book or get the tip and sort of intellectualize it and understand it. And then all of a sudden you shift gears and you're able to get rid. It doesn't happen that way. It really is a practice. And like anything, you know, practice makes perfect. So in my opinion, when you're presented with those kind of situations where you're either humiliated by a colleague or you're in a listing appointment or an interview, or you're up for a job promotion and you feel yourself out of control because you're, you know, being attacked or verbally taken advantage of, those are the moments where it's so easy to sort of crawl back in to that little shell. And there are really simple tips to kind of help you get out of that. And, you know, one of them is, you know, know who you're walking into the room with. I think it's really important that when you're setting meetings with different types of personalities, you find out as much as you can about that person. Absolutely. Every single time. Because it's crucial to know, you know, and there's ways to do that by, you know, looking at their social media, if they have it. I don't care what websites they're connected to, Google is going to be your biggest asset. That's where I always start. And then once I sort of sort out what I think is going on with that person and who they are and where they come from. Are they married? Are they single? Have they been divorced? Do they have three kids? No kids. What's important to them? They have animals. Like, it's. There's all sorts of things, little stupid things that you can look up and research to kind of figure out who they are. And then once you have that, you walk into the room and then you have to really assess what your breakdown online was of them and what your actual experiences of them in person. And there's simple questions that you ask and, you know, I think the first five minutes of any meeting is you want to hear them talk before you start pitching or before you start presenting. Because you have to figure out what personality type you're dealing with. Are you dealing with a creative? Are you dealing with a dominant personality? Are you dealing with someone that's all over the place? You have to hone in on what personality type you're dealing with. So then you can kind of apply. Because there's different skill sets with each personality. When you have an ego and a domineering personality, then you kind of have to take a back seat. You have to let them do most of the talking. You have to find the right times to get your point across. You know, in those types of meetings, you're often going to be, like, caught off guard because they're going to dominate the conversation. You know, you have to find moments where you can slip in. Things like humor are a huge thing. You know, a lot of times I found being in powerful rooms with men where they're completely dominating the conversation, a way for me to find a way in is with humor. And there's different kinds of humor that work. And not everybody feels like a funny person. And you don't necessarily have to date me, but there are different types of humor that you can use to deflect, to insert in an uncomfortable moment, or if you don't know the answer to a question that is being asked of you and you're being put on the spot, perfect time for humor. It kind of throws people off, and then all of a sudden, it brings everybody back down to the same level. And I think that's really important when you want to impress upon someone that you're meeting with that you're their equal on whatever level you're trying to connect on. And it really is about connecting. And their humor connects everybody. It's sort of, you know, it doesn't have boundaries. It's not about your economic stature. It's not about, you know, where you're. Where you come from. It's like it's across the board, and that's what connects people. So I use that as well.

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I love that. I literally thank God that I somewhat feel funny because I use it like I literally lean on it. I'm like, well, shit, if I don't know this answer, how about let's make.

A joke or just tell them authentically. I don't, I don't know, it really kind of gives, it puts the power back in your court and it gives you the ability to shift the convers. Is it manipulative? Yes. But who gives a shit? I mean, if you're being asked a question that you don't have the answer to and you're up for a job promotion against five other people, are you going to sit there and go, well, let me get back to you with that answer to that question in a later email. No. Shift the conversation, put the power back in your position and then recalibrate the direction that you want it to go. It's about sort of, you know, being in the, in pole position.

So, Tracy, do you feel, do you still get the feeling even when you're, you know, if you've had years of working with this type of personality, do you still get the feeling internally like that, you know, like twisting guts or nerves? Do you still feel it?

Oh my God, yeah. I mean I've, you know, there's always something new to learn and there's always going to be really interesting people. And just when you think you know it all, that's when God's like, oh, let me smack you back down to reality and remind you that you don't know everything. Just sharing, you know, what my experience has been in the business and in my life up until now. There is a lot more that I have to learn. But I do think that, you know, sharing like what I can and what I have experienced and what I know to be true to me and I, you know, because I clearly have a pretty big personality for a female, you know, in real estate enough to where I'm standing next to four other guys on the same show and that says something. So I think that's important for women to kind of connect on that level and find a commonality between us all and support each other so that we can all sort of be like, I want people in all these rooms to walk out and just see these, like a young 25 year old girl have the same level of confidence that I have walking into that same Boardroom, I think that's important and I want women to kind of get that.

So what do you think that 25 year old girl or honestly, you know, it's every person who has any struggle with fear and confidence, what should they be asking themselves? Like what questions should they be asking?

You know, I think a big piece of, you know, being 25 is that you don't necessarily, you're not where I am at this point where you really kind of know a lot of who you are. You know, obviously I've been married, I've been divorced, I've lived more life than the typical 25 year old. But I think it's self awareness and I think it's knowing your weaknesses and knowing your strengths and being able to talk about those. Because there's nothing more powerful than someone sitting across from you and saying, you know what, that's not my strong suit. Where I bring value is here. But I think the smartest thing to do is to bring in so and so to add value with what you're talking about because. And then all of a sudden, even though you're telling the person sitting across from you that you don't know how to do that, you're also giving them a solution so they're not left thinking, how did I end up here? This person doesn't know what they're talking about. You've solved the question and you've answered it. It's just not, not everyone is gonna have all those skill sets. You're not gonna be an extrovert like me. You might be an introvert. Well then partner that is going to be, you know, the extrovert. Like for example, I in my business had to expand and I found a partner, Gina Dickerson, who I brought onto the team to basically manage. She is Columbia grad, back, you know, degree in finance. Like she's a master in terms of like running a business in finances. And she took one look at my business and was like, you are just a mess. And it's like, that's just not what I'm good at. But I'm good enough to know that I'm not good at it. And so it's about, I think for those young girls, like figure out what you innately are comfortable with. If you are the extrovert that's funny and out there and dynamic in a social situation, but maybe not so good at like the day to day, then figure out a way to, you know, have someone you know with you or on your team or an assistant that actually has that Skillset. There's no point in hiring someone or working with someone that brings to the table what you do. That just creates a competitive nature within your unit that you don't need.

So what do you say to yourself when you are taking that, whatever that is, that meeting, that leap, asking something that you need from somebody where you don't quite feel ready or smart enough, like that transition in your head where you see you're afraid, you don't feel like you're good enough. Maybe it was when you. And maybe you didn't feel this way at all, but when you were the first woman walking onto the show, like not feeling ready yet. But what are you saying to yourself in your head in order to support yourself through that?

Well, I think a really important piece of what you just asked is what your level of experience is. Oftentimes, you know, if you're new to a business and you're walking, but you have the connection to walk in and potentially get this job or promotion or work a listing in my case, but you don't have the experience under your belt, then you better bring someone that adds that piece because you're going to be competing against other people. Now, if you don't have the ability to bring someone that adds that piece, then you better know what that weakness is. And again, that goes back to self awareness. And then once you get in the room, know the personality that you're sitting across from. You know what your weakness is. If you're sitting across from the egomaniac, then you need to bring whatever it is that you have to offer to the table and you need to appeal to their ego. And so I've done that quite a bit. It's how I landed a huge portfolio in Malibu. The guy thought he was just incredible architectural talent, a gentleman genius in real estate. And, you know, I came prepared with 10 people sitting next to me. His pitch was he was completely driven by his own ego and he just wanted to be pet. And that was it. It was so simple. All I had to do was stroke that ego. And you know, no matter how prepared I was, I came with an international, my international liaison from. Flew in from London. I mean, I pulled out all the stops for this pitch. And to be honest with you, I'm not sure any of it was necessary. I think he liked the fact that I called in all these people because he felt like a big shot, that all these people were coming in to sit in and look at him. But it really just came down to me stroking his ego and telling him how Fantastic of a talent. I thought he was.

Oh, man. You're just reminding me of so many times when it's like, you can be so attached to doing a pitch a certain way or talking to someone a certain way and preparing for one thing, but if you don't pivot and let go and assess what's happening, you're gonna destro whatever that you're doing.

Oh, my God. Being able to pivot is a huge piece. Like, that's why I don't have a listing pitch. I've had Douglas Elliman be like, would you do a listing pitch with some of the brokers in the office? And I was like, I don't have one. It's different every single time. So you have to be able to walk into the room and pivot. And that takes experience and that takes time, and you're gonna fall on your face. But my biggest advice to those young people who know that they're maybe going up against the more experienced senior executive or whatever, whatever industry they're in, you know what they bring. And what is the difference between someone young and new and fresh and someone that's a senior and been in the business 20 years, well, you're going to be bigger, more of a hustler. You're their only client. You're the person that they're the top of your list. So I think that's what a lot of people are looking for. So you have to use to your advantage what you have.

Oh, my God. Literally. It's so funny, sometimes with this podcast, it's like, exactly what I need at the exact time. I'm totally doing a pivot right now, and I'm finding myself in that new situation again where I'm up against these people, not up against with these people that are. I feel like they know everything and I know nothing. Like, I'm in that position. So it's very much. I'll be getting your book.

When you're in rooms, like, with what you were just saying, when you're in a room with. With people that are far more experienced than you. And for me, like, maybe seen more than, you know, two downturns in real estate and watch the economy flip up and down and the real estate market go, you know, Richter, those people you can really, really learn a lot from. And then, you know, believe it or not, I also think that they can learn quite a bit from you. I think fresh, I think there. And there's something really valuable about that. And I don't think that, like, young people or even Women pivoting because they got a divorce. They want to get back into the work. There's something really valuable about someone who hasn't been doing. You have a fresh perspective. You've been out of the workforce for a long time, and you're coming back in. And I think those opinions are just as valuable as someone who's been doing it for a long time. And if you say it with confidence and you take some of the simple little tips, like the way that you hold yourself in a meeting like that when you're surrounded by sharks, or, you know, people that have far more experience and a level of confidence than you have, then you know, how you sit, your posture, the way you look at someone, fidgeting in your chair, talking with your hands. Like, everything has to be poignant. You know, you have to be unlike myself, who likes to babble a lot. You really, in those types of meetings, have to be very clear on what your objective is and say it. Because it can be incredibly valuable to even a senior executive. They might not see things the way that you do.

Yes. Oh, my God. So valuable. So how do you prepare yourself for a meeting knowing that everything that you are preparing could potentially get thrown out the window? I guess my question is, how do you prepare yourself to potentially know it may not go as planned or go.

Well, what are you doing?

What are some of the things that you say to yourself? If you know, it could maybe not. It could go bad.

Listen, I've turned down listings. I've told people not to buy certain properties. Sometimes you have to be authentic to whatever the experience is. If you're in a pitch and you don't like the direction that it's going, or your authentic self isn't connecting with the person that's sitting across from you, sometimes it's better to say, like, you have to trust your instincts, okay? And I think instinct is a huge piece of, like, what women naturally have better than men. So anytime you walk into a room with a bunch of powerful dudes, just know that most of the time your instinct is going to be better. And if you trust it, you go with it. You might actually end up coming out on top. Even in those times where everything kind of goes to hell in a hand basket and you have, you know, you think you're gonna lose it. And, you know, there's something very powerful in walking away from certain things that aren't serving. And I think as women, a lot of times, you know, it's like, oh, and I can't let that go, or I'M not that listing I'm not gonna be able to hold on to anymore or I'm gonna get fired or. And, you know, that's happened to me in. In so many cases. And, you know, you have to weigh, you know, is the reward worth the trauma that I'm experiencing? Because it oftentimes isn't. And, you know, I can't tell you, probably the biggest mistake I made in my career for many, many, many, many years is not weighing my mental health and my emotional health against whatever that potential check is at the end of the line. And I think that's a balance for a lot of successful people. Like, at this point in my career, I don't want to work 18 hours a day and grind, grind, grind real estate to make that extra $2 million a year so that I don't get a chance to enjoy it. So I'm certainly not going to take shit from you and sit across from somebody that, you know, I don't care how big this paycheck is, this isn't working for me. And so I'm going to walk away. And believe me, more often than not, they come back. Those are the types of people that are, like, fascinated, like, how does that gigantic ego get turned down? And then they're so, like, blown away that someone walked away from them. They can't let it go. And they'll sometimes, you know, come back, and then the ball's in your court and you have the power.

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So good. So tell me about. You know, sometimes I'll watch the show, and I think because it's just.

It's.

It's so much like everybody's career, and especially if you're an entrepreneur, like, you're so connected to your phone and your business is on your phone and everything is on your phone, and it just never, ever stops. Like, and I know this is true for just about everybody right now, especially if you're an entrepreneur in a business like yours. How do you turn your brain off? Because especially as a woman, I feel like I've watched my husband turn his brain off much easier than me. But it's almost like we think about things all the time or we're planning ahead or we're going down the checklist or whatever that is. We're planning all of the things right on top of feeling potential fear for a lot of different things. So how do you manage that? Do you take time to shut it down? What are your thoughts around, like, if you feel something big coming up and.

You'Re anxious around it? Truth?

Yes, please.

I use alcohol. No, listen. I mean, at the end of the day, like, we all wind down in different ways, and we all need to take a break in different ways, and whatever works for you, works for you. For me, like, I have to work out in the morning and I have to expend energy in that way. It's really good for my mental state. Serotonin is pumping, and for me, that's a great way to start off on the right foot. And then I find that when I don't do it and it all goes south, I always can look back at that day and I'm like, oh, I hadn't worked out in a couple of days. I just. It just wasn't on my game. And, you know, that's just. That's part of life and part of reality. I do that, and then usually at the end of the day, I pour myself, you know, maybe a glass of wine or depending on how bad the day was, sometimes a tequila.

Or wine and tequila together.

So wine with a tequila shot.

So what do you think is the first of all? What does it mean to you to feel confident?

Perfection is what comes to mind. For me, I think understanding that there isn't any version of perfect that you see yourself and other people that they see. So we all have our own imperfections. We all are imperfect. And I think embracing that is a huge piece of where I am now, where I very much was not 10 years ago. You know, I'm going to right now I want to be my best self and I know what makes me feel good and I know how to be good to myself so that I can continue to do what I do. But I think the most important thing is embracing the fact that I am imperfect. And like, you know, even now, like, this is so stupid. But, you know, I'm posting a lot of workout videos because I'm in quarantine and I can't. I'm working out a lot, so it's been great for me and I'm like seeing awesome results. That feels good. But in the same token, people attribute, like what they see on social media or seeing me post, they're like, what is she eating? Or Tracy, tell us about your diet. I respond like, I worked out so that I could eat a cheeseburger that I'm going to eat tonight at 5 o' clock and I'm okay with that. If I wake up feeling like I have a gut, then I wake up feeling like I'm just. And that's a very simple, shallow point to make, but it really is true, I think that you have to feel comfortable in your own skin. And in order to do that, you have to accept what you think are imperfections in yourself.

Did you have a moment where that happened? What was a part of you that you weren't wanting to show or that you were really struggling with? And how did you work through that?

I think that oftentimes I do a lot. Okay. Like between the show and a full time business and raising two girls on my own and trying to have somewhat of a, you know, a personal life, I get stretched a little bit thin sometimes and that's something that I lose my grip on, what needs to happen and what's most important. And I do get caught up in work and sometimes that pulls away from my kids and. And that's hard for me to deal with, like when I see them struggling or, you know, and I've been working on this a lot lately, but certainly when I joined the show, I was stretched further than I think I was capable of. And it took a lot of adjusting for me to kind of figure out what that meant. And unfortunately, I think my kids kind of suffered a little bit from that because I was self obsessed, you know, I wanted to get it right. I had all this pressure to be, you know, the only female on the show. And so I didn't want to be too much of a badass and I wanted to be vulnerable. I was so caught up in, like, showing myself fully that I wasn't even living it. I was just. You know what I mean? And that's something that, you know, I think I'm not proud of.

I can only imagine the pressure, though, of knowing, number one, that they are able to edit. However, you know, that all of a sudden the show comes out and you're edited, but also trying to be yourself and work through all the different things that come with it, it must feel like a massive. And maybe you share in your book, but just it must be. Have been such massive, fast, expansive growth to kind of watch yourself and see and feel how you're feeling.

Yeah, I think, you know, that leap for me in doing the show, like I said, was kind of a tough decision. But, you know, when I look back at that first year and to where I was this last season, even just, you know, shooting and doing interviews and being vulnerable and just being honest, I've just gotten a lot more comfortable with it. And it's so refreshing, and it feels so good, because when you're unapologetic and you do it on camera and you're able to put your head on the pillow at night and sleep soundly, and that's really important to me. And, you know, I think also, you know, the girls, my daughters being a really huge part of my life, I think it was important for them to see me struggle with that and figure out how to manage it all. I was very honest with them through the entire process, you know, and this was something that mommy wanted to do, and this wasn't something that daddy wanted mommy to do, but it's. I'm gonna do what feels right for me, and I'm so glad that I did that. And, you know, now I have these two girls, these young women. You know, my eldest is almost, you know, gonna be 15 in January. And, you know, she's like a little badass female in the making, and she respects the fact that I work really hard. And, you know, that's like. It's all sort of comes together when you are living your truth, you know?

Oh, I love that. So for all the. All the moms out there, and I'm sure this can apply to us as well. What are some things that you're doing to kind of help them move through those fearful, scary parts of life? Like, how are you having them reframe it and move forward so that they are taking action and they're facing those fears and challenges?

Couple things. One, I'm not a big helicopter parent. I think that these kids have Enough pressure. And these girls have enough pressure on themselves to, you know, going to school in today's world with the access that they have on social media and also just in general in life. You know, I grew up very differently from that, but because of that and because they're exposed to so much more, I am brutally honest with my kids. Sometimes it makes my friends uncomfortable. But I'm not parenting with 48 other people, parenting the way that I'm gonna parent my kids so that their relationship with me is good. And it might not resonate with everybody. You gotta do what's right for you. But for me, being brutally honest with my girls about everything in my life, you know, from my dating life to how I think they're doing in school, to taking accountability for their own educations, to taking care of themselves and being healthy. I talk to my two teenage girls like I talk to a good girlfriend. A little bit of a get your ass to bed. It's 10:30.

Oh, I love that. So do you have right now, like, is there something that you're personally working through at this moment that. Cause I know that we can typically tell what people are working on, whether it's what they write the book about or what they're talking about or what they're super passionate about sharing about. And for you, with fear being the topic of your book, do you have certain things that are in the back of your head that you feel like you're always dealing with that's fearful, like, something you're working through right now?

I think I'm consistently working through, pushing through these little bouts with fear. I don't believe in being stifled. I think that's like settling for mediocrity. And I don't want to be mediocre. I want to be great. And in order to be great, you know, you have to keep pushing yourself and into areas that make you more and more uncomfortable. Like, you know, if I wake up and I have a dream about something that, you know, I think, like, applies to my career or my children, I, like, explore that. And, you know, writing this book, for example, was a big fear. You know, I was terrified of sort of having to talk about my personal life. I was terrified of telling stories in the right way. I was scared that my voice in black and white, not with my face attached to it. Being able to, you know, talk to people and connect with people through that was not gonna work. And I'm so scared, Honestly, I'm scared to death that it's not gonna connect. But if I'm not embracing that fear and then pushing through it, then I'm just. I'm surviving. And I don't want to survive. I want to, like, I want to keep going. I want to keep trying new and different things and I'm gonna fail at some of them, but that's okay.

So I ask every author this because the book journey was like, probably one of the most enlightening journeys of my entire life. And while it was. Sometimes it's like excruciating, right? Like, the things you have to sit in, like the uncertainty.

Were you doing something biographical? But was it your story?

Oh, my God, yes. It's about, like, friendships and reaching your highest potential and just. But I shared things with. That I hadn't even ever shared with my parents because I came from a really restrictive religion. So I like having to put those things out into the world for the first time. It is like, it's literally like going, okay, okay, so for the next month, you're gonna take off all your clothes and walk down this very. You're gonna walk down this very populated.

Street and you're gonna feel confident and.

You'Re gonna, you need to feel great about yourself.

Trust me. You know, oh, my God. Same. And you know, even with this book, even though it's a little more business driven and tip oriented and there are stories of my life that go along with it, like, you know, at the end I'm like, I'd like to thank all the people I talk shit about.

In this book, but changed your name.

I mean, listen, I'm not sure I have the balls yet to write. That's my next, you know, push. But I'd like to have the balls to actually write a lot. Little bit more about like my personal life growing up and whatever, but I'm just not there yet. See, there's always something else out there you just strive for. You're never just there.

You know, it's so cool because I already just from how you're talking, like, being vulnerable creates this like, sense of freedom because there's nothing that you have to. You don't have to worry because you're already putting it out there. So I think that's going to be your next level where you're going to.

Be like, screw it. I think that's what starts to happen to women in their 40s and probably like, Oprah's probably like, bitch 60. I do feel like you start to get to that place where you're like, I don't, I don't care. You start to let go of friendships that aren't serving you. You start to kind of really hone in on, like, this is. Like, this is what's really important to me. This is. And I talk about this a lot too in the book. About what? Like, the people that you want to have surrounding you and advising you. I'm not a big fan of going to 20 or 30 people. I'm a big fan of going to certain people for certain reasons. You know, if I have a business question, I have a couple of people that I confide in about business, and that is it. If I have a question about my personal life, there's like, you know, a handful of women and a couple gay men that I, you know, go to and trust implicitly because they know me and they want the best for me. Outside of that, it really has to come from within.

What has been your biggest. Have you had a big aha moment, A big takeaway, like your growth moment from let's do. From writing the book and from being on the show?

I think something that I've learned from doing the show specifically, and definitely the book played into this too. But really just taking that leap of faith and doing the show is I sat, you know, in my earlier days, like I said, I was offered a few different opportunities that I shied away from for a variety of reasons, which again, you'll peek into in the book. But I shied away from a lot of stuff. And I sat on the fence and weighed my options constantly. And if I've learned anything from the show, it was, you know, stop sitting on the fence. Don't spend your life. You're gonna get fucking splinters in your ass. You know what I mean? Like, even as it related to my marriage, it was like, you know, we knew we were in a place where it wasn't really working anymore. And it took a lot of years of sitting on the fence and weighing our options and whatever, but neither of us were being authentic to ourselves. And the truth is, no matter how much love and history we had together, it was time. And when I finally made that decision and took that leap of faith and, like, you know, we're like, this is what it is. I mean, it was the most freeing thing in the world and it had everything. You know, I think taking the show was a big piece of that. I felt like I was standing on my own two feet and making a decision that I felt was right for me and stopped second guessing myself. And that was so empowering. It was. It changed everything for me.

That's so powerful. It's those moments especially attached to that phrase. Like, there are those moments where you just realize that that's going to be like a life mantra moving forward. When you find yourself in that position of indecision, I have this great quote. It's like, indecision is still a decision. You're still making a decision to be in the middle, and you're like, get off it. Like, stop sitting on the fence. That's so powerful. That just actually, yeah.

And, you know, and someone always asks me, like, when did you. When did you know? Like, people always ask me, not, is it related by marriage? But just in business, in life, and just stuff in general. And it was like, you don't. You take the leap of faith. And then only when you're on the other side of it and your feet are planted firmly on the ground and not on the fence, then you're like, oh, shit, I could have made that that. I feel so much better. I feel planted. I feel, like, honest and true to myself. And that's where your instinct is always going to guide you. If we totally just shut out all the noise and we truly listen to, like, where we're at, then it's going to be a lot easier to, you know, get off the fence, make the decisions in your life that are good for you.

Oh, my God. I want to just point out what you said so in case people really missed what you just said. That was so crazy powerful. So as far as, like, I get a lot of questions as, when will I know it's right? And I've asked that question in my life. When will I know what's right to make this move? When will I know it's right to take that leap? When will I know what's right to start that business? And a lot of times we think that our intuition is going to guide us to this aha sign or this moment. But you literally just said how it's always worked for me and how I know it now works in life in general. And it's. Your intuition is just going to guide you to make you know you need to take some sort of leap. And then the leap is going to be the thing that guides you next. But it's never like, yes, it's your intuition, and here's the next step you should take. It's like, just do something different or take the leap. Like, you're not going to know, but it is going to guide you, to tell you to move, and you're going to feel that feeling.

And sometimes, you know, you might make the wrong decision. And if you do, then you're gonna learn something incredibly valuable from that. So I just. I just. It's indecisiveness and not embracing your gut that is just paralyzing for so many women. And I think that's what I'm so passionate about, like, going for it and just honoring. I know it's fucking scary, and I know you don't know what the other side holds, but if you don't go there, you're never gonna know. And you're gonna sit miserable not knowing if you had what it takes or if you should have gotten divorced or if you should have had that third child or gone for that promotion because you sat there like a wimp, letting the fear sort of control you. And that, to me, is like, a waste of, like, life. And particularly being in my age right now, like, hell, no. I don't have, like, one hour to waste. I want it all to be, like, worth and for something.

So tell me about what your relationship with fear is like right now.

I'm having a really good time. I will tell you. Like, you know, like, this book is. Was terrifying. Is terrifying, and it's coming out soon, and it could be a total fucking flop. And that is very real, and that's terrifying for me. But I also like talking about it right now. I get really excited because I get excited about not giving a shit, and I almost build myself up, and I'm like, you know what? She's right. And kind of, like, live in that space for a minute. Because sometimes you get so worried, like, oh, I'm in the middle of a pandemic. How am I gonna sell books or what? You know, like, I have the card stacked against me, and it's like, you know what? But it is what it's going to be, and I'm just going to go for it. And I think doing all these podcasts and talking about it, really, my relationship with it is becoming so much better. And again, if it doesn't do well, fuck it, I'll move on. And if it does, awesome.

And, girl, you wrote a book that is something very few people in the world do. And if anything, it teaches you so much about yourself. It is, you know, that it's like, 100%.

It was a great experience. I do it again. It is really, really a walk through your life and just sort of like, tapping into things that you shut out for a long time, and all of that just comes flooding back. And I think that's what I hope has gone into the book. A little bit.

I love that. So if there's. What is something. So I'm going to have you complete this sentence for me. If we really knew you, we would.

Know that you, what, are incredibly sensitive.

I would have never guessed that ever. So how do you. So if you're sensitive and you're so confident and you are able to do all the things, like, there must be something in your head that you say to yourself that's like, very. Like, do you have a lot of grace for yourself? Do you pray? Like, what do you do to find inner peace faster?

I think I just have grit, I think, from having grit and from living through different failures and successes in my life and, you know, not having the perfect childhood, but also, like, owning my adulthood. You know, just everything that I've gone through as has sort of led me to this place. And so no matter how out of control it gets or how uncomfortable it becomes, I take, like, almost pride, I think, in having that. And, you know, the absolute loss of control maybe is what brings me back to, like, that comfort level of having peace. Because, you know, only when you lose. Lose control, do you realize that you have the ability to get back, you know, and then. And if you're constantly holding, you know, onto everything so tightly and you're so wound up that you don't have the ability to let it go and screw up and fail, like, at a, you know, hundred percent, then you just don't know really what it's like to win. And that, I think, brings me to that place where I feel that confidence and that sense of peace that makes sense. I don't know if that makes sense. It really. I mean, so many people look at things differently. And I always feel like when I'm listening to, you know, different podcasts or reading a book, and, you know, everybody's so eloquent and centered and yogi and, you know, meditating, and it's like, none of that really resonated with me. And maybe it will. Maybe that's like my 60s or 50s moment. I don't know. Not right now. And that's not where I come from. And I have to believe that, like, I'm not the only one out there that, you know, I know people are trying to find their center and find their way and find their faith.

I think that's so important to point out because everybody. There was a time when I was really getting into personal development that I was like, wait, what's wrong with me that this doesn't resonate? Or is there something wrong? Sometimes that can be just another thing to think that's wrong with you when you. If you just see what works for you and you really get comfortable with that, that's a whole other level that you get to tap into.

Yeah. And trust me, I did. I judged myself about that a lot because I was like, you know, this, you know, this whole, you know, wellness, you know, this movement of wellness and empowerment within oneself and all of. All of that. So it's all wonderful. I just, I'm getting all of that, I think just I'm not enlightened by the ways that certain people are. Like, to me, that has shown itself differently. And I think it's been through just living experiences as honestly as I. That's it. I just, I have to be honest about it, and hopefully it works.

Oh, my God. A million percent. I mean, the same. The same way that a, you know, someone who jumps out of a helicopter and goes skiing, like, is getting just as enlightened as some people on yoga mats. So I think there's different ways that we're all being spoken to. And thank God, right? Or the world would not be going very well. But, Tracy, I am so freaking excited about your book. I would love to know where we can get it. I'm sure all bookstores.

Amazon. Yes. So it's available from pre order now on Amazon, Penguin, Random House, and I think all the other, like, obvious, like, big bookstores. And it will be out in the stores on July 14th. Hopefully we'll be out of quarantine at that point, but if we are not, you guys can all order it online and it'll be shipped to you on the 14th of July.

Amazing.

So what I'm gonna do is what I always do for other amazing authors that I love and I love you. So we're gonna do a book giveaway. So I'm gonna purchase 10 of your books and what the girls are going to do is if you guys would tag Tracy and tag myself and say what your biggest takeaway was from this podcast. So tag her, tag myself and tell us what your biggest takeaway was from the podcast. I will then share your story and I'll be picking 10 to send a book to so that you will be able to read all about fear, because it's our hottest topic on this podcast. Carol is always taking a leap. So thank you so much for coming on. I'm so excited for your journey.

I will be following.

So congratulations. And you guys, if you loved this podcast, that is. You guys know that I believe that that is the biggest gift that you can give back to a guest is to let them know how they have impacted your life. So make sure you let her know. And also, if you have a friend that's struggling with fear, make sure you either grab her book or text this episode to them right now. And until next time, earn your happy.

Bye everyone.

Thank you.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the Earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought and honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys.

Bye bye.