56 Get More CONFIDENCE NOW with Arriane Alexander

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Welcome to the Earn your Happy Podcast.

I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss.

Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear. Clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the Earn your Happy podcast. And today I have a friend on here. Her name is Arian Alexander and she is known as the Rock youk Life coach. She has a master's degree in spiritual psychology. She helps female entrepreneurs and businesswomen step into new possibilities so they can create a life and career they've always dreamed of. So Arian is so much fun and she's also so heartbreaking led and I love this about her. She spent over 12 years as a high level executive in the fashion business and walked away from a successful career to follow her heartfelt dream of succeeding in the entertainment industry. And she's also a transformational life coach. So not only that, she also has consistent work as an actor on TV shows like Justified, Grey's Anatomy, the People vs. O.J. simpson, and she's also the host of two TV shows and she's booked numerous commercials. So in other words, she's created, created the life of her dreams as a Rock youk Life coach for over a decade and she helps women do the same in a fun, inspired and transformative way. And you guys, today on this podcast, we are going to talk so much about confidence, about getting what you desire and just making sure that you have fun doing it. So I'm sure you're going to hear her laugh is infectious and I hope that you guys can have some fun along the way with us. So let's get started. Arian, I'm so excited to have you on the show. Thank you so much.

Oh, you're so welcome. It's awesome to be here with you.

You know, I'm, I'm really thrilled to have you because we haven't really hit on confidence and fun on my podcast. And you know, you are the epitome of confidence and fun to me. So for people who do not know Arian, she actually is somebody that we met at our gym And I'm telling you, it was like I spotted her from a mile away because she has just this amazing energy about her. This great smile, this blonde hair. Her shoulders are back, and she just looks like she is ready to make your day. And I love that about you. And I also, you know, you spoke at Bliss Project, and I loved hearing from you. And we had so many people who just wanted a piece of your confidence, and you were able to kind of guide us along in that. And I know this is what you do. So for everyone who doesn't get to meet you in person, has life always been this way for you? Have you always been super confident in larger than life?

I love that question. And I would say I've always had a larger than life Persona and personality, probably partly because I'm 5 10. I've kind of been 5'10 since I was 13 years old. So I kind of was always, you know, a little different than all the other girls just because I was so tall. And I'm always been very enthusiastic and positive. But I will say this. The confidence did not come until later in life. And while I excelled, I've kind of always been an achiever, and I've always excelled. But I wouldn't say I was always confident. I just had a natural. I think people looked at me because I've always been so tall and kind of regal that people just kind of looked at me as the, you know, with status and, like, I'm an expert, even if I wasn't. I remember when I showed horses, I showed quarter horses competitively when I was a kid. That's what I did all growing up. And I would really mess up my patterns and were judged on all these kind of different things, and I would mess the whole thing up, and I would still win the class. And I never understood it, but looking back, I understand it because people just assumed I was really good at what I did because I kind of walked, like you said, with my shoulders back and kind of this air about me. And so I thought, God, I was just really good at kind of faking it because I wasn't really confident. It really grew over the years.

That's so interesting, because it really could have gone either way. You know, I hear so many people who are like, well, I was taller than everyone, so I just kind of wanted to shrink down and I put my shoulders forward and, you know, whatever that was. So what do you think made you embrace it?

Wow. That's such a good question. I think that I just. I just used everything I had for my advantage. And I just didn't. You know, it's kind of like I just dealt with what was given to me, and I just didn't think too much about it. I kind of always had this innate sense that for whatever reason how I was, you know, tall and big, and it was just like the hand I was dealt, so I had to deal with it. But on the flip side, what was interesting is much, much later in Life, in my 30s, I. One of the brand. My first brand that I had, the first brand that I created was called Big, Blonde and Beautiful. And it was really. It's funny how you have to create something because I wasn't living in it. I still had this inside. Internally. I was still like, ah, I'm so big. I'm like, I was always thinking I was fat or I was not, you know, skinny enough. And I was so different than everybody else. And so I was not embracing just the fullness of who I am. And so I had to create a brand around it to, like, prove it. And so I had my brand called Big, Blonde and Beautiful that I had for a long time, and it was really my way of proclaiming it until I could internally procrastinate that I don't need that brand anymore. You know, now I live it. So I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't have to prove it to anybody.

I love that. And I love that. It's just like the act as if theory. It's so funny because people are like, oh, when am I going to feel this way? Or when am I going to feel confident? Well, it never happened. Never happens that way. It's always like, what are the things that confident people do? I think of that all the time because I notice for me, when I feel, you know, out of place or awkward or whatever that is or. Or insecure, which can happen a lot to me in different social settings, especially if I'm throwing myself into a lot of new things. It's like, I want to close off, and I'm like, I try to remember, okay, shoulders back. Okay. What do confident people do? How would they carry themselves? How would they look? And it's. It's like you act that way and you really start to feel that way. So I know that you work with so many women. Where do you hear most? Like, where does that lack of confidence come from? And how do we start overcoming it?

Yeah, it's. It's so true. Because this is the. I work with awesome female entrepreneurs all over the world, and so everyone's creating their business and everyone or has a successful business. And I find that whenever we're asked to put ourselves out there, because all the clients I work with, their brand is basically themselves like you, like your brand is yourself. My brand is myself. So I work with people like you and I health and fitness experts, I work with other coaches. I work with even people that are producers and things like that. But everything is our own brand. And so when we put ourselves out there in the public media, in social media, and with blogs and things like that, I find that my clients can get so lack of confidence in that area of what are people going to think about me and what are they going to say? And what if I don't have anything to say and what if I'm not good enough? And that's where all the limiting beliefs start coming up around confidence. And so my experience is just like you said earlier, that it's kind of fake it till you make it. Because we're not all just born with confidence. We don't just innately have it necessarily. Some people do, and in different areas, some people have it more. But it's building the muscle. I always say building having confidence is just like going to the gym. You have to consistently work out the muscle and stretch yourself past your comfort zone in order to build the confidence. So that comes in. In taking courageous action steps. And with my clients in particular, it's my clients, they probably get so mad at me because we'll be on calls and they'll go, okay, I want to do this blog post, but I'm really scared and I just don't know what people will say. And I go, well, then, you know, you have to do it. Like, if you think you're scared to do it, then you have to do it. And they're like, oh, my God, why do you do this to me? That's the only way we grow is when we do something scary and out of our comfort zone. That's where the juice is, and that's how we build the confidence.

I love that. I always view it as like a little gift. Like, okay, go where the fear is. And truly, it's the greatest guide ever. Sometimes when you're like, gee, I just don't know what to do today, or I don't know where I should put my energy. It's like, scan your life for everything that you have fear around, and that's where you should go.

Yes, it's so true.

Okay, so I love just, you know, you really bring that energy into your everyday life. So do you wake up that way. Or do you have things that you do to get into that mode of just, like, fierce confidence? Because I'm telling you guys, I mean, you bring it to the gym even, and I'm like, oh, my God. Like, that just makes me want to toss my hair back and walk. Walk taller. So what do you do into that mode?

Oh, gosh. Okay. It's so interesting because I've had to break down. Because since I do teach others how to be more confident to live in their confidence, I have had to break down my strategy because people ask me this. They go, how do you be so confident? And I'm thinking, I just figure it out and do it. But then I was like, wait, I have to figure out actually what I do so I can help others. And so what I do is. Okay, let me. The first thing is my whole point of view in my business and coach. My, you know, I'm a Rock youk Life coach. I work with amazing women all over the planet. My whole purpose for this is to be of service. So I have to start my day with asking the question, how can I serve in a powerful way today? And how can life use my gifts and talents to support others in their upliftment? So my whole point of view is about how can I be of service? And that's the first key step, because then it's not about me. And if I'm actually here to be of service in a powerful way, and for everyone who's listening, whatever. Whatever it is we're doing, it's how can I serve in a powerful way? Whether somebody listening has a business or works for a business, or is an amazing mom or dad or whatever their calling and purpose is in life, if you come from it, from a place of how can I be of service? Then we get outside our own personality, and then I let that drive me. So then how can I be of service? Turns into if how can I be of service means I have to make a scary phone call. I call them scary phone calls. They're not actually scary, but if you have to call someone. For instance, if you wanted to call Richard Branson to be on your podcast, it might be a little scary. You might be a little intimidated. And that's what I call a scary phone call. It's like, who do you have to reach out to or talk to? That might be out of my comfort zone. And so then I do that, and it's kind of no matter what, because if that's how I'm to be of service, then that's how I'm to be of service, period. So I'm always stretching myself and, and it's funny that you say, you know, you talk about the gym because we do see each other at the gym and that's a place where I practice it because innately I can get really shy and introverted sometimes when I'm in public, which I know seems opposite, but that's where I have to push myself is when I'm at the gym, if I'm call it stretching or working out next to someone and I will consciously say I'm going to speak to this person and try to, you know, be funny or, I don't know, connect in some way, even if it's outside my comfort zone because I have to continually push myself into situations that are uncomfortable in order to get comfortable in them.

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That is everything what you just said. And you know there is a common theme through everyone who's been super successful that I've interviewed and that is they use the opportunities that life gives them every day to grow. And you know, the gym for a lot of people is like, okay, I'm going to the gym. But once you start realizing the gifts that we have every single day, that is such an opportunity. I mean there's people there everywhere that we could force ourselves to connect with or you know, try new things in front of people or see how much ego we can let go of or see how much we could brighten someone's day. And it, I mean, what a great spot you in the one hour you can do like all of your self development.

Oh yeah, they don't know that. Yeah, the membership I'm paying is all for my own personal.

Coaching.

Well, you know what, it's a good example because even with you, I was thinking about when I first met you because I would see you at the gym and you're so fit obviously and you're so like this superstar and I didn't know who you were and I just remember I thought I was a little intimidated because you're so Fit and you're so pretty, and you're so obviously know what you're doing. And I. And I thought, I have to talk to her because I'm intimidated. So I thought that was the thing where I had to push beyond my comfort zone and reach out and connect to break my wall of intimidation. So I remember I just said to you, I was like, oh, are you a fitness model? Because you're super cut. And we just started talking, and here we are. So that's kind of what I do, and that's actually what I have my clients do, is start small in the practicing of reaching out, of engaging with life in a powerful way. Because when we can start, like you said, life brings us the opportunities. So if whenever we're in an opportunity in daily life to engage with life in a powerful, courageous way, it gets reflected. It just. It just builds that confidence, whether it's at the grocery store or Starbucks or at the school or wherever it is, but really taking those opportunities to step into something courageous or obviously in business, there's a million ways to do that.

Oh, my gosh, girl, we could so dig into this, because, you know, that entire scenario of you and I meeting, so here I am on the other side going, oh, my gosh, this woman is, like, clearly so confident, and, you know, I felt it immediately. And I'm thinking something totally different, and I'm nervous to even talk to you. It's so funny what is actually going on in those scenarios. And to be able to, when you actually do connect, the beauty that happens within that, you know, I'm so, so grateful that you did that, because just by you doing that, it made me want to connect with other people. It made me want to show up in a more friendly, open way because I loved your energy. So, I mean, so many opportunities, just like you said, Starbucks, lines, coffee, anything everywhere. Just engage with people. Even I find, you know, when I'm taking a walk, sometimes I'll walk past someone and you make eye contact, and you look down right away, and I'm like, why did I do that? Like, actually look at someone and see them and let them know you saw them and smile and those alone, like, just. I find it's crazy how people can't even keep eye contact. So just practices throughout daily life. So let's talk about that, though. So the risk of going up to people, because this is what stops people. I know this is what stops me is like, okay, what if this person rejects me or thinks I'm a weirdo or I trip up my Words again. And I just seem like a freak. Like these are all the things. So what do you teach around that? Just different things to kind of work through it.

Yeah. Well, great. Because it is so prevalent in day to day life when we engage with people and then online too, where, you know, I'm sure a lot of your audience has their own business and is building their businesses. And so that thing about posting on social media and you know, share. Sharing themselves on social media or reaching out to other businesses to partner with or other people in the industry, there's that fear of, what if I get rejected? What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm a freak? What if, what if they think if I'm weird? So two things again. I go back to how can I be of service? And if that is truly how the point of view that runs through that guides us, then we have to be of service, period. Whether that means getting quote. And I'm having air quotes right now, getting rejected. Because this whole thing of getting rejected is literally false. And if I could just have every person listening and every one of my clients really understand this and get this, it's a game changer that there's no such thing as rejection. There's. Because every single person's reaction and what I really coach my clients around is that is allowing everyone their own experience and their own projections that it has nothing to do with me. So it's kind of like the Don McGill Reese for agreements. Don't take anything personally. What someone else thinks of you is actually none of your business.

So. And I, I use that all the. I think of that all the time. But once. Are you ready for the but? Because I know people are saying this, they're sitting here and they're like, but what? But what about when they do say something and it really hurts and it really. Because a lot of times I know that when people are close or right on top of exactly what they're called to do, something will happen. Resistance will come. Someone they love will say something that cuts straight to the core, straight to their care character. You know, they just go for the jugular. And I believe that that's a test, obviously, to see how much you want to do it and how much you want to serve because there's so much responsibility that comes with it. So how can we prepare those people?

Yeah, that's really great. And I love, I love the butt. I call them the big butts. How to move through your big butt.

I love it.

Yeah. So the thing is, when Things like that. Okay, so here's the deal. If life is this grand experience of it just hands us opportunities to grow. So here's a way to describe it. If I'm here to learn confidence, if one of my lessons here in life is to learn to be more confident, then I'm not given situations where I'm just confident because that's just easy. I wouldn't learn anything. I wouldn't grow. If one of my reasons for being on this planet is to actually grow into my confidence, I'm gonna be given a million situations to grow the muscle of confidence. So just knowing that people kind of knowing that up front does help really understanding. Because people think it's gonna be easy, but it's like, well, I don't say it's gonna be hard, but whatever. We're here to learn, it's not handed to us because then we don't learn anything from it. So if I'm here to learn, if I come in with lessons to learn of feeling unworthy of, like really to own my worth and to be in my worthiness, I'm not going to grow up feeling totally worthy all the time because then I'm not going to learn that lesson. I have to grow up in a situation where I'm kind of reflected unworthiness and have to really figure it out for myself and really trust and own it. So it's the same thing with confidence. So knowing first of all that situations are always going to come up to continue to build that muscle of confidence and really trust in self are always going to be happening. It's good to know that up front to kind of know, like, there's not a free ride here. There's not a free ride for anybody in the lessons that we have to learn. So knowing that and then when it happens, it's really having so much compassion for self, for ourselves in that moment. Because what can happen is if we, for instance, somebody put something out there on or you know, and I know family is kind of a place where this shows up for my clients, the people that are closest to them. Like, I'll give you an example. One of my clients, a lot of my clients are married, but one of them is married and her husband isn't super supportive. He kind of is like, oh yeah, you're cute. Business. Like, he kind of. He doesn't really understand fully and doesn't support her fully in the expansion that she. Of her business and her creations. And so she doesn't share a lot with him because it is little. It's a little close to home. And it kind of hurts her heart when she doesn't get that feedback that she desires. So with her, it's continuing to be so compassionate with self and so loving. And really, that's the time to go completely internal and turn towards self instead of making it about the person. Because again, the person, what they do is none of your business. And it's really challenging to sit in that place. But the way that we do it, the way that we actually move through it, is to go within and see what do I make that mean about myself. So if someone says, I go, oh, I'm posting a blog about how to get more fans on Facebook, and my husband says, that's stupid. Why would anybody read that? And it cuts to my core, then I have to go inside and say, okay, I'm super upset right now. And what am I making this mean about myself? Because my teachers always say how you relate to the issue is the issue. So that how you relate to the issue is the issue. That's good, right? How you relate to the issue is the issue. Do you see? So it's not about what he said. It's not about him saying, why'd you do that? That's stupid. It's about how I'm relating to myself. So if I relate to myself in that moment and go, oh my God, he's right, I do suck. What am I doing? I'm so stupid. I'm never going to make it. That's how I'm relating to myself. That's the messages I'm telling myself. And that's where the transformation happened.

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All right. So as I scan my life, I'm just coaching myself here.

Yeah.

So good. Oh, I love that. It see, it makes it really pointed. Like it says exactly how you can start being aware because the second it's just so powerful. I mean, self awareness is everything. The second we can see what's setting us off. Off. Why is it setting us off? It's like, oh wow, why am I reacting that way to something that could mean something totally opposite to this person? It's always their stuff. Always. Right? We're only reacting to life because we're reacting to how we feel internally or what's happening. So that's so interesting. Okay, this brings.

Oh, go ahead real quick to tag onto that. I always ask my clients what I mean, always. I say they'll go, well, you know, I'm scared of this thing Or I don't want to do this thing, or somebody said this thing. And I go, what are you making it mean about yourself? And they'll go, oh, I'm making it like my clients when she doesn't get a job that she's up for promotion or something and she won't like she didn't get it. And I go, what are you making it mean about yourself? And she's like, basically that I'm not good enough. So that's where we start the healing. That's where we start transforming life, is we can get to the core. If she has a limiting belief that says I'm not good enough, oh, my God. That's running through every area of life. So that's where we do the work to heal those limiting beliefs that are hiding under the surface. And then when we heal those, then what other people say doesn't matter as much. And then we have more confidence because we're like, oh, whatever, some people are gonna like what I say and some people don't, so whatevs.

Which means more action. Just more action. And it's a numbers game, just like any. Like, more. The more action that you take take, the more likely you are to get the response that you want. So I love that when you. When you go find that limiting belief, it's not going to close the door anymore on you without having you realize what it is. Like, why do I keep shutting myself down? So what great pointed questions those are. I love that. Okay, so you talked about trust and trusting yourself, you know, especially around when you are going to take those leaps in trying on your new confidence in putting that post out, in that blog post where you just feel like it hit you in the soul, you're ready to put it out there, but all of a sudden those thoughts come in, you know, maybe where we're judging ourselves. So how do we know that those initial hits, you know, are there feelings that you feel in your body? How can we learn to trust ourselves more?

Okay. How can we learn to trust ourselves more and more? And okay, I love this. Because every single one of us has this innate intuition that is so guided and is so pure. And what I see happening is people tend to turn away from it instead of listening. So if the. If the inspiration. I know so many people that come to Bliss Project and listen to your podcast are really desiring to have their own businesses or create what they're really excited about in life, what they really desire. So, for instance, because I see on your Facebook page, I see what people do after they come to Bliss Project. And so I see that, for instance, if someone has the inspiration in a moment to create a blog, if that desire and that inspiration is brought forward in that moment, it's so pure and it's so clearly from life, God, spirit, universe, whatever we want to call it. And so when we follow that desire and we follow that intuition, then it continues to expand. What I see happening often is people will follow that intuition for a minute and then all the limiting beliefs will come in and shut it down. And so how we trust ourselves is we start listening to ourselves more. We start listening, we start making our experience of self and our whispers from life and our dreams and our. The truth of who we are, we start listening to that more. And that's the first step in really trusting is listening to that intuitive four instincts. Anyone listening can do this right now. If you think of something that you're really excited about in life. So one thing I'm really excited about in life is, oh, I'm creating a new video series on something. So I'm really excited about this new video series I'm creating. So that inspiration came on, on a plane ride on the way home a couple weeks ago, and I went, oh, my God, I can't wait for this. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. So when we. If everyone right now thinks about something they're really excited about and feel how that feels in our body and like, it probably feels sparkly and we probably feel it in our belly, kind of like excitement and our heart rate, heart rate might, like, speed up a little bit, and we just feel a little more playful. So that's life. That's life force coming through us in this moment. Each of us with this thing that we're excited about in life. So then if we think about in the next moment all the reasons I can't do it, which for me right now, I'd be like, oh, God, it's so much work. And oh, God, then I gotta figure out how to do a funnel for it. And oh my God, oh God, I gotta figure out my outfits to wear.

Yep.

So then when you think about the things that come in to block it, the energy, you can feel it completely dropped. Like, I feel it right now, like, my belly drops, my kind of shoulders drop. I kind of like. So in just that, you know, last 60 seconds, you can see how your intuition, your body, tells you what is true and what is pure and what is joyful and exciting and also tells you, like, what's not cool and what's kind of, you know, the wrong path. So really trusting ourselves starts with listening to self and listening to that intuition in such a sweet, pure way.

I love that. And I can. I can actually, like, literally, I love it because it is something so tangible that you feel. And we know it because it's directed through, you know, our feelings in our body. And it feels like a. Yeah, like it just feels like your body is screaming, doing yes. Like, if it could say it, it would. Right. So how do you. How do we get back to the place of yes when the other things settle in or when the mundane starts? Let me just say I'm thinking about writing my book right now, where it's like, that is like a yes for me. It's like a. I can't fathom my life without doing it. It doesn't matter how hard it is. But then when I go to sit at the computer, it's like, okay, Lori, get back to that place of yes. That's going to keep you going, because then the hard stuff sets in. So do you have exercises around keeping the yes burning?

Yes, I have yeses. How to keep yes burning. Okay, here's the deal with the yeses and the divine inspiration. It's not that you're going to have the yes burning all the time. In fact, you probably won't, because, again, it's not a free ride. So this is where commitment comes in, and this is where accountability comes in. This is why I coach, because my clients are all doing what you say, exactly what you're saying. They want to write a book. They wanted to write a book for 20 years, but never wrote the book. So I'm like, okay, well, let's write the book. And then they're like, but I got all these reasons. And I'm like, but you want to write the book. So, like, are we going to write the book or not? You know, so we're working on the inner limiting beliefs, but also the outer action steps, because spirit meets us at our point of action. So it's not like you're gonna sit down every day and be like, I can't wait to write for a couple. That would be insane. Like, there's no way that's gonna happen. I mean, just anyone who's an author, I'm sure you've interviewed lots of authors, and all authors speak of this. Like, they just sit down and write. They just sit in front of the computer for two hours, period. I remember Steven Pressfold speaks of this in the war of Art, as you know, right? He Just sits down to write whether or not he wants to or not. It's commitment to the process. And that's what I find is it might be the most important part of moving through resistance, in creation of the things that we desire, is committing and taking action. And it's not easy. I will just say it is not easy to do on your own, for sure. That's why it's great if you have a coach or. Or you have a partner or you have an accountability partner or something like that.

Yes, for sure. My gosh, there's so much of that that's spirit meets you where the action is. And I always think about, okay, you want this and you want to feel this way, but the only thing that's actually going to move you through is that action. So there's massive resistance. But with resistance, I've equated it so much now because I've had to move through so much of it. Obviously, if you're gonna to try to get anything in your life different from what you have right now, I just really, when I feel resistance, I know that there's something magical on the other side. So I just put myself in. I love it. Gretchen Rubin says she puts herself in jail. So I'm like, you are in writing jail right now, or you are in podcasting jail. And I know it might sound negative, but it makes sense to me. So in my mind, it's you. This is what you're doing right now. If you want to get out, you've got to work through this, so you've got to move through. I don't know why that works for me. It probably might not work for some, but whatever you need to do to know that that resistance is meeting you because it has something to give you if you sit with it long enough.

Yes, yes, yes. And this is another. This is another way that people can move through the resistance to get to the other side. Because it's commitment, it's action. The resistance is probably going to be there. So knowing that up front, knowing it's not going to be, like, easy breezy, is like, okay, okay, probably gonna have some resistance. And what you said is key. What I encourage my clients to do is, again, they always get mad at me because I'm like, how is this a Christmas gift for you? Like, this challenge right now that seems so intense and so hard, and it's so frustrating. And I go, it's life. Handing you a Christmas gift of something is wanting to be revealed and healed and grown into. So if you open the Christmas Gift. And you really get curious about the resistance. What is the resistance saying? And generally, Lori, when we get underneath what the resistance, it's kind of like I was saying earlier, what are you making this mean about you? How you relate to the issue is the issue. So generally when the resistance comes up, people think it's just resistance. People go, my clients will go, I just don't. I just can't sit down and write. And so when we start to dive underneath why they can't sit down to write or why the resistance is there and what's actually happening, it generally comes down to, I don't think I'm good enough. I don't think I can do this. I don't think I'm worthy. I don't think I deserve to have this career of my dreams. So, again, the resistance is a gift. It's not resistance. It's the Christmas gift. And when we unwrap the Christmas gift, and inside is the beautiful treasure of a limiting belief that says, I'm not good enough. I can't do this. I don't deserve this. Then we have the opportunity to heal that and move through it. And then the resistance isn't as strong.

I'm just going to share mine so people can kind of understand, and hopefully they relate. So when you say, you know, the resistance around writing is typically something deeper. When I analyze it, it's always, I'm not smart enough, or is this story interesting? Am I interesting enough? And the thing is, is that I'm never going to be able to grow if I don't actually have a place to be able to grow from. So if I don't just write the story, if I don't just write what I have in my head, I can never send that to my editor to get the assessment back to tell me what I need to do more of or where I could move in the direction or how I could grow or have a coach look at it. You have to get that out. You have to do that initial step. So that is so amazing, because it is always that. And I'm like, okay, well, what are you gonna do about it if you don't feel good enough or you don't feel smart enough, Are you gonna mope in that? Are you gonna. Gonna go to a place where you just begin so you can grow?

And I think it's also, even with that, I love that I'm not smart enough. I have a client who deals with that all the time. She always thinks she's not smart enough. And one of the Things that I have her do also is I go, well, how will you know? How will you know if you're smart enough? And she'll give me all these reasons, like, for you, it could be, oh, I'll know I'm smart enough when I get my book published. It's so not true. It has nothing to do with you being smart enough. So when we can start to really question those thoughts. And really, even for you, it's like, what's underneath? I'm smart enough. I have a feeling there's something else underneath there that's covering. It's like, if you're not smart enough, then what does that mean about you?

Yeah, your fear of judgment, fear of people, basically. Fear of people saying, you're not smart enough or, oh, you were homeschooled through high school, or, why would I listen to you?

Yeah, there's one homeschool through high school. Why would I listen to you? Great.

Welcome to our coaching session.

Yeah. So. Okay, great. So can I just share with you what.

Yeah, I'd love it.

What's next? So when you kind of get there of like, what I hear in that is the, you know, homeschooled. Why would anyone listen to me? So there's. There's still judgment held around this. And what is your judgment around it?

Just the old idea is that if you don't have a formal education that you, you know, you're not worthy, I guess, of jobs or of people's attention or. And I can kind of figure out where that came from.

Yeah, it's. So if I don't have a formal education, I'm not worthy. And you can fill in the blank, but it's basically, I'm not worthy.

Right.

And so, you know, what I work with the clients is really, when we start getting, like, you see right now how kind of easy it is to get under the surface to see what's actually. It's like looking under the hood of the car and it's really the forgiveness of, you know, the next step in moving through these limiting beliefs and creating more confidence, creating more trust in self. All of it. Creating more worthiness is forgiving ourselves from such a deep place. But it's not forgiveness how we're generally taught. We're generally taught I forgive that person for yelling at me. I forgive so and so for making me mad. But that's not actually forgiveness, because what is happening is the judgments on ourselves is where the pain comes in. So it's never about the other person and what they did. It's about what again, what we're making it mean about ourselves, how we're judging ourselves, how we're judging that person. That's where the pain comes in. So, for instance, in what you're experiencing, it's the forgiveness is. I forgive myself for ever having bought into the belief that if I'm homeschooled, then I'm not worthy. Because somewhere along the lines in our lives, these limiting beliefs get locked in. And it's generally at very early ages, and they get locked in. We don't even know where they come from. And then we play them out for the rest of our lives until they work with someone like me or a coach or, you know, personal development and can really free ourselves from these. But the real self forgiveness comes in. I forgive myself for judging myself as not worthy. I forgive myself for buying into the misinterpretation of reality, that I need a formal education to be worthy. Do you see the difference in how forgiveness is generally taught?

Mm. It's so much more freeing and direct. And your soul feels it. It does. Just like. Just like when we were talking about the inner knowing. It's like the inner knowing of, whoa, this is what was missing. Because you. I can search externally all day long wishing something could have been different or someone could say something to me to validate me, and it just is never going to happen. So it's all gotta come from me.

Yeah.

So beautiful. I hope that. I hope that, you know, just grabbing onto that. A few of those sentences that you gave are so powerful. So if you're dealing with anything like that out there, definitely just using some of those key sentences that she just said and using them, you know, whenever those things come up is the most powerful way to reprogram. So that brings me perfect, perfect bridge, Arian, to, you know, because that was. Was a limiting belief of mine for so long. And of course, they can still come up. They still haunt you even when you do work around it, but it's just a reminder to continue the work always. And I just want to point that out, like, I actually don't mind anymore. I'm excited about it because it reminds me just of, okay, more work around that. Or, wow, I can relate to people through this. Or, wow, this is maybe the lesson I teach for the day because I'm still dealing with it and that you never, ever feel like you are just, I'm healed by the grace of God. I'm a perfect human. So it's always these great things that we get to learn from. But this is the Perfect bridge to ask you about how we can try to have more fun, because for me, I'm just gonna share with you. So because of that, I thought that I had to take myself super serious, right? I thought that I just had to. To be. I don't know, just really make sure that I'm. I'm showing up conservative in my dress and making sure people take me serious and how I speak. And all of a sudden, this fun part of me that is truly who I am at the core, I would say it's the biggest part of my personality. I, like, destroyed her. I killed her soul, and I didn't let her come out. So for a long time, I was, like, miserable, and now I'm slowly letting her out. So what are some things that people can do to add fun?

Well, you're accurate. The way that I see that you having fun is you guys all got to follow Lori on Snapchat, because that's where we see the real Lori come out, and it's a blast.

That is it.

I guess everybody has to join Snapchat.

Yep. It's very true. I was like, oh, my God, Chris. I can be like. I can totally be hilarious for 15 seconds at a time, because then it's over.

That's awesome. I can be funny for 15 seconds at a time. That's perfect. Okay, So I am the queen of fun. As you know, I have fun everywhere I go, and that is because I make the fun. And this is, again, a way of life that I had to break down and figure out, because people are always. They always ask me, how do you have so much fun? Like, you're always laughing, and I am. I kind of am laughing all the time, whatever it is. And I mean, of course, I have my days where I'm like, wow, life is hard and whatever, but, you know, for the most part, I would say 99% of the time, I'm pretty joyful. And my best friend is. Who helped me dissect this, because she goes, I only laugh when I'm around. I'm only funny when I'm around you, because you're so funny. And I said, no, no, no, no. It's because I create the fun. So we kind of like, for example, she was waiting for other people to entertain her, and I said, no, no, you got it backwards. You got to create the fun. And again, you have to practice it. So for my clients that want to have more fun in life, I literally have them practice. And what that looks like is when you go to the places you Go in life. The grocery store is a great place to practice having fun. You know, I said, if they're playing a great song in the grocery store, why don't you just start shaking your groove thing in the aisle? And then what happens is the next person starts laughing and shaking their groove thing in the aisle. And some people might look at you like you're crazy, but again, has nothing to do with you. It's just building the muscle of fun. So it's just like building confidence. It's finding ways to create more fun and engagement in life as you are right now. And you might have to push yourself out of the comfort zone like you did on Snapchat. Like, you're like, okay, I can be funny for 15 seconds, so I'm gonna start there, which is awesome.

That is so true. It's so true, Chris. You know, it's funny because in our marriage, Chris and I have fun every. Like, we are not non stop laughing because that's our. Our place where we feel safe and that's our circle to have fun. And we're always like, oh, my gosh, like, we could be a full reality show. And if people really knew what we were like, they'd be so scared. And then I was like, wait, or they'd love it. And it would remind them to have fun, too, because I really believe everybody has it in them, whether you think you're funny or not, to just be goofy and be light. And it's just. It makes everything so much better because. Because really, the worst situations can be fun. I mean, I've been rear ended before and been like, all right, well, maybe you don't call it fun, but it's just. It's light, right? It's like, whatever, life could be worse. Like, I'm still alive, thank God. Are you just whatever. Light, airy, fun. And I try to think of that through everything. So if I start feeling heavy, you're so right. Because it is about you bringing the fun and you reminding yourself. And again, Arian, it just goes back. I love that you brought this. I think the biggest thing through this whole conversation has just been choosing to use life as a practice to be better in what you want. And I can't tell you how much that came through with all that you do and all your coaching. And it's so practical and it's so tangible, and it is about having fun and being present. So, you know, before we wrap up, I have a few questions, and I also have a few. I want to see if you have anything else that you want to add to people's day.

Yeah, I have great things I want to add to people. I just want everyone to be amazing. Er, I love it.

We need a shirt that says that or a coffee mug. Be amazinger.

It's true. Well, I am the Rock youk Life coach, so I'm all about rocking your life. And I'm so glad about all the things we talked about today because especially when we're talking about the self forgiveness because it's so powerful and so rich and it's really where I find the juices to heal and to shift and transform. And I created for your for everyone that's listening, I created a video series on how to bust through your limiting beliefs. It's a four part video series that is easy and it's awesome to watch. I have a PDFs to go. It has exercises kind of about everything we talked about today. So everyone can go on and download that and you'll have it in the show notes but it's arianfreebie.com, it's just my name. A R R I A N E Freebie F R E e b I e.com and you'll love it. Everyone will love it because it just walks you through how to a identify your limiting beliefs and understand what's happening within you through exercises. And then how to clear them and heal them and reframe them into something more positive. And then I do a whole video on the self forgiveness and how to really go in deep and really do the work to transform them. So that will be available for everyone listening.

You guys definitely go and download that because I can tell you it just, I mean to even that that beginning awareness or no matter where you're at, actually I think it's so vital to always be checking in. So to have something like that is awesome. Thank you so much for giving that to our listeners. And where can we find you, Follow you, all that good stuff. What platform do you love to be on?

Yeah, my favorite platform is Facebook. So I'm@facebook.com arianalexander and that's kind of my favorite place to hang out. I am on Snapchat too. I'm on all of them. I'm on. I'm on all of them. I love Snapchat. It's super fun behind the scenes. So I'm Arianalex there and then of course Twitter and Instagram as well. But I would say my main platform is our Facebook and Snapchat right now.

Awesome. Okay, so what are you most Grateful for right now in your life?

I am most grateful for the work that I do. It is, you know, when I go for walks at the beach, which I do quite regularly, I'm always in awe that I live in Santa Monica by the beach and I get to enjoy this gorgeous sunshine in the beach. And always what comes in is I'm honored to do the work that I do with people all over the world because it brings tears to my eyes right now that life uses me in such a powerful way that I get to literally support people in transforming their lives. And I don't take that lightly. And it's not me. I'm very clear. I have skills and talents, but I just let the light flow through me in order to be of service in a powerful way. And I just feel so humbled that I get to do this work that I'm honored to do this work. And that really is what I have so much gratitude for right now.

So beautiful. And you know, it uses you because you said yes. So whether it's flowing through you from something else, you just, you say yes. And you are someone who I just, I literally, I'm so grateful for. And I really use you as an inspiration because you do say yes to every. I mean, pretty much anything and everything get that gets thrown at you. So last question before we up wrap.

Yeah.

You are on an elevator and you only have a 30 second ride with someone and they look over at you and they say, how can I make myself happy? What do you answer?

What a glorious question. How can you make yourself happy? Okay. Be so present to this moment, of this moment exactly as it is, and breathe in this moment to get so present to our senses, our surroundings, what we're hearing, what we're listening to, what we're tasting in our mouths, feeling the air on our skin and allowing that to bring us back to the truth of who we are, which is glorious in this moment, of that life has brought us to this moment that is so glorious that it is giving us this gift of life right now. And when we can start there of just the presence of what is, an acceptance of what is then the happiness is just there. The peace is just there.

Thank you so much, Arian. Thank you so much for being on the show today.

You're so welcome. What a time. You're so amazing.

Oh, I'm so grateful for you and you guys, if you loved this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it, tweet it, reach out to Arian, and until next time, earn your happy. Bye everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the Earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thunder thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye Bye.