563. Change brings power - with Monica Berg

So I got a box in the mail last week, and I was literally jumping up and down. Gonna tell you why. You can jump up and down too, because I got my first box from Green Chef. What is Green Chef? It is a USDA certified organic company that makes eating, well, easy and affordable. And you guys, it has a plan to literally fit every diet. I don't really follow anything. I just want my food as clean and healthy as possible. And I'll tell you that me meal plans include Paleo plant powered keto and balanced living. You guys, in my box, I got some of the coolest recipes, which I'm gonna tell you about in just one second. But Green Chef lets you choose from a wide variety of easy to follow lifestyles with select organic ingredients. These recipes are super quick. They're step by step. They have instructions, they have pictures, chef tips, and it helps guide you along so that you can literally just throw this together so easily. You gu. Green Chef has a wide variety of clean ingredients. You can feel great about what you're eating and how it goes on your table. Because Green Chef is the most sustainable meal kit. It's offsetting 100% of its direct carbon emissions in plastic packaging in every box. So you can feel super good about that. Here's the recipes I got in the mail. Are you ready? Are you hungry? Because you will be. Lemon herb pork tenderloins, Lemon Maple glazed trout, and meatloaves with sauteed mushrooms. I'm just gonna read you the Lem Maple Glazed Trout because I'm going to make this tonight. A homemade glaze adds tart, sweet flavor to this breezy seafood dinner. Perfect for outdoors. Made with maple syrup and a squeeze of lemon juice, the glaze is dribbled over. Dribbled over. Tender, flaky steelhead trout filets sauteed with cauliflower and red bell peppers spiced with dried orange peel. Sweet and smoky paprika. Making a hearty side. You guys, I'm all about having a great fish and vegetables. It's pretty much what I eat every single night. A really clean protein with veggies. So if you want to stop chopping and thinking, I'm telling you, this is for you. And you guys know that if you are listening to this podcast, I want to reward you for being so loyal. You can use code Happy80, that's H, A P P Y 80 to get $80 off of your first month plus free shipping on your first box. So go to greenchef.com forward/happy80 to redeem. And for more details, you guys. That is use code happy80 to get $80 off your first month plus free shipping on your first box. So go to greenchef.Com happy80 to redeem your coupon. I hope you try it. I want to hear all about it.

Now, I do believe that if you want to create change, you do need to have every thought followed up with immediate action. Okay? That is the formula. But I want people to give themselves permission, if they're too afraid to do that right now, to at least be honest with themselves about the situation.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

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Let's talk about our guest today and what the show is about. I think it is so timely with everything going on in the world that her new book is titled Rethink love. So important because maybe the models that we had in the past of loving ourselves, loving our family, loving our life is completely different and it's being shown a different way. And I think this is such a huge perspective shift. And you guys know that the more perspective that you can have, the more powerful you are in your life, the more connected you feel. So my guest today is Monica Berg and she is a change junkie. She wants you to rethink everything.

Everything.

Her first book was called Fear is not an option and it's all about eradicating fear from your life. How great would that be? Her latest book is Rethink Love, all about her personal experiences of her life. So she's a mother, a wife, sister, teacher and friend. She integrates all that she is into her mission. As chief communications officer at the Kabbalah center, she integrates her personal mission with ancient wisdom. I will take it. She was born and raised in Louisiana and she moved to Los Angeles and at 17, she began studying Kabbalah and knew very quickly that this was her path. Eventually leading her to the serendipitous meeting of Michael Berg, who's now been her husband of 21 years, you go, guys. That is an accomplishment. So during her teen years, she developed an eating disorder and it grew into a five year battle with anorexia and body dysmorphia. Her recovery came after better understanding the disease, and then the passion to help others came in. It wasn't until her second child was born that Monica had to reevaluate her own belief system. Her son Joshua was diagnosed with down syndrome shortly after his birth, which was life changing for Monica and her family. This diagnosis led to Monica's credo. In change, there is great power. And the choice to believe in beauty and potential of who her son could become subsequently also helped her realize who she could become. Guys, this podcast, I loved getting to know her and anytime that I can reframe, I truly, just like she says, feel way more powerful. So here we go. Let's listen.

Monica, I'm excited to have you on the show. Thank you for coming on.

Thank you. It's great to be with you.

So I would love if you would share. You've got some great titles of your books, by the way. They're definitely books that I would be standing in the bookstore and be like, yep, and yes, that's me as well. Your last book was called Fear is Not an Option. And I can only imagine that you are probably referring back to some of those tools right now for people, for where we're at in this time period. Are you finding that you are using a lot of the things in this book that you're sharing with your audience and your family and what's coming up.

For you right now?

Yeah, definitely. It's had a resurgence. Fear is never an option. But with everything that we see on the news and with people we know around us experiencing a lot of uncertainty and even sickness, it's needed more now than ever. I never believe in living a life based on fear because if you don't slowly chip away at them and really the goal is to eradicate fear completely, then it can take the driver's seat and it's the death of dreams and manifesting our goals.

Okay, so I'm going to just go back to where I came from and just saying, like, what if people really, truly feel. Because there was a point in my life and I know a lot of people are here where they're like, this is just in me. It's my DNA. I feel like I'm a very anxious person. My environment is very fearful. My mother is very fearful. It can feel like it is a personality trait. What do you, like, what do we do when it feels like it's just ingrained. Especially right now when it's just feels consuming.

Well, this is the thing. So many people were raised in environments that forged belief systems that don't work for them and they never did. Right. Unless we challenge them though, they can really lead us down the wrong path and they can really take control over us in a way that is uncomfortable. So yes, we have an environment that we grew up in. Maybe our parents are very fear based, maybe we still have their voice in our head, but it's up to us to challenge that. The truth is everybody has fear to a certain degree or not. And we all have different personality traits and we have a nature that we were born into, but we also have free will and we have free choice. And we're more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. The truth of the matter is our reality is going to be dictated by our consciousness. And we can take control of our consciousness. We can direct it any which way we want to. So then that begs the question of how do we start? How do we start to implement change? And you start by starting. I always say I rather the pain of discipline than the pain of regret. Because once you have regret, there is not much to do with that. We should challenge our fears. We should ask ourselves questions like what would I do if I wasn't afraid? And then start doing those kinds of things. Because where you put your energy, where you put your thought is what will be.

Hmm, that is such a great. That's like one of the best questions to ask yourself. I'm literally using that right now. And thanks for that reminder. What would I be doing if I, you know, it opens. It's amazing how expansive you get. You feel and you think the second that you ask yourself that question, well.

That'S why I titled the book Fear is not an Option. Because if fear is no longer an option, then automatically your brain is going to look for new options, right?

Yes.

And that is expansive. That's everything. So very often I think people focus on the negative and what's wrong and what they're afraid of and why are they afraid and what's going to be. You know, it's a lot of wasted energy. Instead restructure that and put all that energy towards, well, what opportunities do I have? Because in every challenge and every obstacle, there's a great gift waiting for each one of us. But we need to look for that, we need to unpack it. Often these gifts come in ugly packages. They're in cardboard boxes, and we're like, I don't want this gift. You know, send it back. But if you take the time to really look at it without the fear. Right. Removing all of that emotion and say, okay, well, what is the opportunity for me?

You will find it so opposite of this topic, but having it be equally as tied to is really. I just want to the title of your new book, which is Rethink Love. I would love to you have it broken into three parts, which I just thought was so interesting, because right now, I think with everybody at home, I think a lot is being revealed to us in our life that maybe we've been tolerating or maybe we have to look at and take ownership of different ways that we've been being. And we can't really, you know, go out and do the things that we were doing and not notice these things as much. We can't really completely numb out to the fact that maybe we weren't happy in our relationship or maybe there were things that we're not looking at or ways of functioning and communicating that aren't working. And I'm actually seeing this a lot in my Just parts of my family. So I'm super intrigued to be able to dive into this topic. And I'm sure that the other topic of fear is gonna be intertwined throughout the whole thing. So can you tell me a little bit about just why this topic for you right now? Cause I'm obsessed with the process of writing a book. So I would love to know what was it coming through? You're like, this is it. This is what I'm loving talking about. This is what I'm seeing. Where did that come from?

Well, it's interesting, the work that I do, I work with a lot of people, and I would meet with them individually and then as couples. Because the two things that kept coming up across the board for people was fear and how that was crippling them and paralyzing for them. And the other was relationships. Whether they wanted one or they were in the wrong one, or they were unhappy or they didn't feel like they could leave. So these two. These were the major things that came up for people. So I started to get really interested. Fear is not an option. Really came from me facing my own fears. And that's why it's semi autobiographical. And I talk about my journey through fear, inviting other people to start their own with relationships. Also, I've been married for 24 years. Well, it will be in August. And I say that I'm an expert in this because I have had many different experiences with one person. Right. We never exited the relationship. We've grown together, we've loved together, we've built a home together and children together. And we're very successful at it. And I'm very proud of that. And I feel that everybody can have this. But the first thing it requires is paying attention and to not run away from any situation. So in order to do that. And that's why the first nine chapters of my book devoted to this part, which is me. And it's the fundamental first step. It's the crucial step that most people miss in their life, right? So it doesn't matter if you're 70 or you're 50 or you're widowed or divorced or single, you still need to go back to this very important stage. Because the longest and most important relationship you will ever have in your entire life is the one you have with yourself. And it's painful to see people uncomfortable in their own bodies or not liking who they see in the mirror when they look at themselves. And you can change that. So that's the first, most important part. Because if this is a healthy relationship that you have with yourself, then you can have healthy relationships in business, in romance, with your children, with your parents. There's a lot of repair to go back and do with those relationships. Especially I think that what's unique about this time and again, what a great opportunity. Even though a lot of people are like, I can't wait for this to end, or I want to life to go back to normal, whatever that means, even challenge that question. Because I know for me, I feel like I'm living a successful life. And I say that very humbly, but I really do mean it. But I made a list of things I don't want to go back and to do after this is over. I mean, I was exhausted a lot of the time. And yes, I was busy doing very important things in the work that I believe in. But at what cost, right? So we can. All this is like a reset for all of us. So if we're talking specifically about relationships, you know, we don't have the opportunity, the ability to escape it, to medicate it, to distract ourselves, you know, to go meet friends outside or just to run from all these things. We're now forced to really put a sharp light, a bright light on the situation. And every relationship, even if it's good, is meant to be better with each year and grow.

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So this might be coming up in the next portion. So I'm going to kind of let you guide it if it's not necessarily next, but for people who are focusing on the me. But it's very, let's say, especially right now, because for current timing, right, they're either, whenever this is released, we're either sort of coming out or we're still spending a lot more time with these different. You know, let's just say according to partners at home with our partner, if we're really trying to focus on ourselves, but we're noticing like it's starting to become apparent that maybe this is not the right person, but we keep focusing on them over us.

Right? So that's the other thing. I think that it's really hard. I think the reason people say stuck in a situation life is because they're not willing to be honest with themselves because they are then afraid that they have to act on it immediately. Now, I do believe that if you want to create change, you do need to have every thought followed up with immediate action. Okay, that is the formula. But I want people to give themselves permission, if they're too afraid to do that right now, to at least be honest with themselves about the situation. That's it. And then give yourself the permission to do nothing with it. Just see, really see and be honest and realize that if you're unhappy now, then in 10 years from now, you're going to be miserable, right? And on top of that, then you're going to think about all the things you could have done or all the wasted moments. And then again, that regret is going to kick in. I think that especially in relationships, we often look at what the other person should be doing for us, should be giving us. It's kind of like this consumer mindset that we've gone into. And that's why I'm kind of excited about this reset moment that we're having because nobody owes anybody anything. And yes, we know that. However, in relationships, we take this for granted. Whatever it is that you expect to get from your partner where you're focusing on how they could be better or change or be different, stop and say, okay, whatever it is that I want this person to give me, I need to make sure I'm going back and nurturing the relationship. I'm giving to the relationship. I'm actively participating in the relationship because that's how it works. And I give this analogy in the book about if you had a farm and you constantly took fruits and vegetables from the farm year after year, it provided for you, it nurtured you, and you never went back to plant new seeds or to water or to tend to the soil, would it be able to keep providing for you year after year? No. Right. It would dry up. There'd be nothing left. And it's the same thing when we look at relationships. We want to make sure that we're being the appreciator and not the depreciator.

Oh, it's so good. That is such a great analogy. So when. What about when you are. When you are going and realizing, let's say, a lot of people are having this realization right now, like, well, we need to. There's some serious stuff that we need to talk about.

How do you approach something like that?

How do you make, you know, new? How do you renegotiate agreements? How do you approach that? And what if the other partner does not necessarily feel that way? Do you stick with it or do you wait it out, or you just keep focusing on you?

So I call myself a change junkie. And with that, like everybody, I didn't love change. It's difficult, it's uncomfortable. Not all change is welcome. And usually our first experiences with change are difficult. And we're usually taken by surprise, like a death of somebody or a sickness, or maybe parents get divorced and now children have a new home to live in and go back and forth. But the reality is change is the only constant in life. And so you can either keep running from it or rejecting it, or you can really learn to appreciate it and even meet it with excitement. Even though it's uncomfortable, it's a discomfort that we need because it helps us change and grow with relationships. For some reason, people expect the partners to stay the same. I hear so often people say, well, this is not how you were when we got married or what happened to you. You've changed. Well, of course they've changed, because that is inevitable. So I would think what I would go back to do, because a lot of people lose friendship in the relationship because it's so met with expectations and you should be a good wife or a good husband. What happened to just being friends? So I would approach this like you would a friend. You know, I've noticed this is going on. Or I think we have an opportunity to create kind of a new dialogue or new ways to fight. Let's find a style that works for both of us. I really just want to be friends, that a friend would offer something and then also make sure the person wants to receive it and also listen to their feedback. So if your partner first resists this, find out why. Is it because they don't want to work on the relationship? Is it because they think it is going to be hard work? Is it because maybe you have been punishing when they admit things that they are wrong about? This is an opportunity for sure. But you need to make sure that you are speaking to your partner the way that you want to be spoken to and that you take the time to actually hear them and not just speak your point of view and your perspective.

Okay? So amazing, amazing advice. When do you know? I get this question all the time. I put up question boxes every Wednesday just to do these Q and A's, and I always get this question and I would love to know your opinion on it because I go back and forth with the answer. It just changes, right? So for me, when I get it, I'm like, let me ask a relationship expert. So here we are. It's perfect. And it's always, when do I know it's the right time to leave? Like, so many women ask me this question, when do I know it's the.

Right time to leave?

Like, how much work do I. Should I be putting in? Is there, you know, what if I'm with a narcissist? Like, what does that look like? And I know there's so much context around that, but maybe you could give your feedback.

There is, but I do love that question because I think far too often people exit the relationship too soon. My spirituality is Kabbalah, and there's an understanding with Kabbalah that there's something called tikkun, which is process, meaning that we all come in this lifetime and each have something uniquely to discover about ourselves. So often we'll have opportunities that make us change and grow, that challenge us, so we can correct something about ourselves that we need to correct in order to become the best version of ourselves. In relationships, this is the biggest opportunity because our partners are often our mirrors. They reflect back to us what we put out there. We're together all the time. We live together, we sleep together, we share our home together. So your behavior is mirrored through them. And that's not always welcome. When people get very uncomfortable, they think falsely that they'll just exit the relationship and then they're going to meet somebody who loves them unconditionally. Or we have this romanticized idea of what the next partner will look like. We'll Meet them on an airplane. I'll be love at first sight. I'm going to have the passion I don't have in this relationship only to find that the issues you had with your partner, your husband or your wife you find in the next relationship. Why? Because you never corrected it in the first place. So my point is, I say to your audience, they should ask themselves a question. Maybe they've been there too long already, maybe 10 years too long, maybe 20 years too long. However, did they let their partner in on the process? Did they invite them to say, okay, this is how I have changed, or this is what interests me, or this is where I want to be 10 years from now as an individual, but also as a couple. At least give them the opportunity to grow with you and to be part of that journey. One and two, make sure you are exiting the relationship from a place where you feel like you've done everything that you possibly can to make it work, but also to have closure that you learned from this partner, that you've grown, that you've learned things about yourself in terms of relationship. And of course, I preface that with if it's an abusive relationship, we're talking about ones that are pretty much healthy, right?

Yes.

Not the ones that are extreme.

So what about the ones that are kind of. And I don't think this is like an in between thing. But before we move on to the, the second point of this, the ones where it's kind of you're finding your partner is I get this all the time when on from women who are kind of starting self development or who've been doing it for a while. Perhaps the partner truly is like, does not believe there's something wrong in the relationship or there's no communication there, but there's not necessarily reciprocation in what area in communication. Like if you believe that there's a problem, truly you know there's a problem or a communication problem, but you keep on butting up against a wall and it's been years.

Yeah, I think that in those cases I don't believe in settling. I have a whole chapter on that. It's called the almost where people are in relationships or situations where it' good enough, it's close enough. It's not amazing, but it's better than other people. I don't believe in settling. I think that if you have tried everything and you've offered therapy or coaching or trying to find a spirituality together and to create a language, you have to be speaking the same language. And if the person still doesn't step up, then. Yeah. I think that each person is meant to live their best life and to honor themselves first and foremost, a thousand percent. But just make sure you're giving them the opportunity. Clearly. And I would give deadlines. This has been 10 years now. I'm really serious this time. I'm going to give it another three months or another six months. And this is what I feel like I need for a healthy relationship. I'm very lonely in this relationship. I think that's fair.

I love that. And honestly, I think for anyone, sometimes if we've never had that, we can have a disbelief. Because before I got into the relationship with my husband, even just dating, I had a disbelief that I could ever have the type of. Or I had a belief that I wouldn't have the type of relationship that I had pictured in my head. And I wasn't going to. I didn't get that until I truly had to borrow belief from even just seeing people that I wanted to, you know, be like or emulate a relationship. That I could have it all and I could have this amazing communication and, you know, that also takes that work and that commitment. But I fully 1 million percent believe in not settling in exactly what you said, like the almost relationship. That is awesome.

And that's why what we spoke about at the beginning, it's so important to go back to that fundamental first step. Because if you don't, you know, people all the time say, I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be heard. I want to be respected. I want to be treated with kindness and not be judged. Now, if you don't love yourself, right, and you don't have this relationship with yourself, then how can you expect anybody else to give this to you? You're not even going to be able to seek that because you're not going to be thinking that you're even worthy of a relationship like that.

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And I also, I say that, you know, we came into the world loving ourselves, right? As a child. If you think back to being playful and curious and excited about life and believing you could do anything and be anything, right? I want to be an astronaut, I want to be a president. And then somewhere along the lines we learn to unlove ourselves. But the beauty is then we can learn that again. But that is completely up to us individually to do so.

So for people who right now, let's just, let's say there are people at home who are realizing like, wow, this is. I've done all that I can because the people who, my main audience is people who are really up leveling or they're going through, right that we're always in transition, but they're really deciding to take a leap in, into a new environment, maybe a new relationship, get out of the current environment that they're in, you know, up level the business. So for people who are at home and really having realizations, because I feel right now is the time we're having some, we're having to look, we're having to really look and we're having some big realizations that maybe are crazy uncomfortable. So what happens if you're in that position right now where you're realizing that you have been trying to with your partner and it's not it, but you are dreading the loneliness or you're dreading this life that you don't even, you haven't looked at yet. Like what do you start thinking about? What do you start hoping for? What do you start looking at in order to move from the fear, right? Of like, wow, this is all that I've Ever known into possibility.

Right. So that's exactly the point. This is all fear talking. And it's not even based on anything that will happen necessarily. If you're in an unhappy relationship, then you're already lonely. If you're in an unhappy relationship, then you're already not looking forward to the future because you're stuck in this reality. So I think that there's even a step before this, if I'm being honest. And that is. What are your belief systems? A lot of people believe that if they leave a relationship or marriage, that they're a failure. Right? That while they want to get divorced, they were raised that divorce is not a good thing. So first you need to challenge your thoughts to. But before that, you have to know what they are. I would do an exercise. I love journaling. I think that it's so helpful. Science backs that up. I would journal all the things that you thought this relationship was going to give you and what you thought your marriage would be like. Because a lot of reasons people are also stuck is that they don't allow themselves to mourn what they had thought it would be. And I think there's a very healthy space to do that and necessary. It's part of the process. My second child was born with down syndrome. I found out a few hours after he was born, I remember, and it took a little while for me to understand this. I was not so upset about his diagnosis, but I was terrified about what that would mean. It was really the fear of the unknown. But before that, even I had to mourn the child I thought I was carrying for nine months, the healthy child in all ways. So I think that same thing in relationships again, we have a belief that it's wrong to leave and also to mourn what you thought it would be from that space. You write all that down. Then you write down in an honest way why this isn't working for you. And then even if you're not there yet, you have to write down what you think you deserve, what you really desire, what you want, a better relationship. And then you can actually start to work on that, on that list, even if it's not your reality today. So I think it's about just really organizing and restructuring your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings.

Oh, yeah. That is.

Yes.

I've found that in so many. This is not just romantic relationships, just like you had said with your child. I can think of friendships that I'm just like, oh, I had to literally mourn the loss of just what I thought friendships were supposed to Be or what I thought that particular friendship was going to be. And it can.

That's absolutely. Yeah.

So beautiful. Okay, so moving on to number two, taking the me to we. Yes.

So that is how now that you have done the work, right, or doing the work, how you maintain your beliefs and stay grounded in who you are while navigating the intricacies of a relationship with somebody else. This is that stage where it's kind of getting serious, but you're still wanting to impress them. You're not willing to be fully vulnerable because you're afraid of rejection. This is where it's really important to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to arrive and say, this is who I am and allow yourself to fully be seen, flaws and all, because I never understand. This is where you're building now the foundation of your relationship. So if you started on a lie or you started on just showing the best parts of yourself, guess what? The first year of marriage is going to be pretty difficult because then all of it's going to be seen. And then more than that, you have to start keeping track of your lies or the things that you're omitting, which is basically the same thing as a lie. And if you're not vulnerable at the beginning, then you're not going to be throughout the marriage. And that's where loneliness begins. Right?

So I know you found this podcast because you are all about happiness and up leveling and just wanting to feel better. And right now is a really challenging time for just about everybody that I know. And a lot of you may need more than the podcast. Some of us don't have actual support or people that we feel like we can talk to. And that's why I was so excited to partner with Talk Space. Let me tell you why, because I think this is one of the most important services that could ever be offered. And let me tell you, change is constant right now and a lot of us are struggling with this new normal and the future is unknown. And if you've been struggling with the so called new normal, it's not just you. Stress and anxiety do not have to rule your life. And if there's anything that helps reduce stress and anxiety, you guys know that I am obsessed with, with talking it out. That's literally what this podcast is. But you don't always get that two way talking from a podcast. So that is vital, being able to talk to somebody. I'm all about connection, creating tribe, creating friendships. And this one is so important because I think it's the first step of really moving through what you're working through. And if you don't have a tribe or friends or someone who can support you, you guys, there is no shame in this. In fact, I think it's freaking amazing. Talkspace has thousands of licensed therapists trained in over 40 specialties, including anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and more. If you have something specific you want to work on right now, they're definitely going to be able to find somebody for you. It's affordable. One month on Talkspace costs about the same amount as a single in person therapy session, but with Talkspace, you can actually send unlimited messages to your therapist and they'll engage with you at least.

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Oh my God, you're reminding me. I had a friend years ago, so I had probably just gotten married and I think they were, they weren't married yet. And she was like, yeah, he still doesn't. Like, he doesn't even know when I'm going to the bathroom or what I'm doing when I'm in the. He's like, he's not allowed in the bathroom. Like, I'm. And I said to her, I got.

Like, she never uses the bathroom.

Like, just, she doesn't go to the bathroom. And I literally said to her, I'm like, so how long is that gonna last? I'm like, so how Long. Do you think that's gonna work in your marriage? And unfortunately, they were divorced, like, six months in, so it did. But, I mean, that's a really. It's such a telling sign, right? Like, if you're hiding something that is just a fact or a part of you or that you're trying to. You even think that you're doing it as a favor sometimes, but it's truly, to your core, a belief or something like that. It's just. It is like suffocating in a relationship, and it will totally consume you and eat you alive, which I'm sure that it did once they moved in together. So.

And you know what I found, because I've done. There's a lot of workshops in my book, and we've done a lot of the exercises. The parts of ourselves that we try to hide from our partners early in the relationship or even throughout, it's the parts that we're most insecure about. Remember when we spoke about earlier about being a mirror for one another? This is a good indication if you're really trying to hide certain things from your partner. It's a great indication of. This is where you need to focus your energy and attention on things that you need to change as an individual so you can be free from that. That is the beauty of relationships, especially when you're vulnerable. You're able to discuss these things like, oh, you know that I really didn't want to tell you this, and I realized this, this and that about myself in the healthiest relationships. That's the kind of conversations you're having. And the other parts that are, I think, really important in part two of my book, Made a Way, is the idea of cherished delusions. And I also talk about buyer's remorse, right? That's when you bought something and you want to send it back. I don't really want this relationship. And also we go into relationships having illusions about who our partner is. Everybody has a cherished illusion. I discovered mine a few years into my marriage. Fortunately, though, my illusion wasn't about who I married, but who I would be in the marriage. Because he was spiritual from birth, basically. He grew up in a home that raised him like that. And I had started to seek my spirituality age 17. And I became very involved with that process. It was very important to me. It still is. When we got married, I thought, great, this is going to be like a shortcut. I'm going to be automatically elevated to a higher spiritual plane, which was obviously an illusion. Everybody has to do their own work. My Illusion was not dangerous because again, I did not have an illusion about him. But a lot of people go into a relationship having an illusion about their partner. Sometimes they marry the trophy wife or they want to have a white picket fence, or it's going to be a destination to somewhere better. I talk about even if your illusions will be shattered at some point, no matter what, so it's better for you to start looking at them. And for those who didn't marry for the wrong reasons, they had illusions, but there's still. There's a deep love there. So great. It's good to see what the illusions are so you can work through it. But also for those who only marry for the wrong reasons, more or less, it's better to see that sooner than later. So again, you don't waste time in a relationship that can never really bring you or the other person what you're desiring.

How do you so the me to week? Because this can be so many things which you're already touching on so many. I don't know how you. You probably had to throw out like 10 or 20,000 words for from me to Weed.

This book took me. I mean, I almost thought to make it like three different books. And I thought, no, I know there's a lot of content in it. Again, it was through all the work that I did with real couples, you know, Totally.

So. Because in me to E there's a million different ways that could go, right? And one of the other ways that I was just thinking that I'd love to hear about is some of the couples potentially and you had touched on like learning how to fight. Like some people, either always having to give themselves up in certain areas to feel like they can move forward, or always having to, you know, kind of like lose their sense, losing their sense of self and giving it away to a partner. How do we get that? How do we give that part, get that part back if we know that we have been that person who's just kind of always been maybe appeasing the other person in order to keep the relationship going.

So this has a lot to do with being authentic, right. And knowing who you are. And I also talk about the difference between validation versus feedback. So a lot of people enter relationship with wanting their partner to validate them, to make them feel whole and complete. You know, somebody who was insecure about their body and then they're with somebody saying, oh my God, I think you're the sexiest thing ever. And now they feel good about themselves. The problem with this is that if they break up or that person exits the relationship now, they're stuck with all those feelings they still have about themselves. So when you are reliant on external opinions or things to make you feel whole and complete, it's going to break at some point because it's not really real feedback. So validation is help make me feel good about myself. Feedback is help make me better. Right. And it's a subtle difference, but it's a huge one. And this is often what happens in relationships, for sure.

So if you know that you need. Can you get your partner involved in. And I guess this is where you said being authentic and really being vulnerable. Like, let's say you do have that. That thing within you that doesn't feel smart enough, or maybe you don't feel sexy enough, or maybe you don't love your body.

Do you bring those.

How do we bring that conversation to light saying, this is potentially like, this is something I'm working on. I really need help in this area. Maybe you could X, Y and Z. Do we bring our partner in on that or does that go back to me trying to solve it yourself?

It's interesting. So if you're going back to thinking this is a friend, right. If you were talking to a friend and be like, you know, I'm really struggling with this. What. What do you it you see how I phrased it versus how you phrased it? I don't think we should make it our partner's responsibility to help us or help fix us. Because a lot of times we put it on them to make us happy, to make us. You can fill in the blank, right? We don't do that with friends. And I think it's an unfair expectation to put on our partner. So you want to invite them on your journey and you want to share with them for sure. And they can check in with you and say, how are you doing with that? You know, how can I support? But the onus is still on you to make the shift. So I think it's something that people really should be aware of. In relationships, we often assign our partners to do everything for us, and it's an unfair expectation.

Okay, so what am I missing? Anything in the me to we that you feel like is something that you want to touch on?

No, I mean, I think that that's most of it. Yeah.

Okay, awesome. So three is we.

I mean, the only other thing I would bring up. Sorry. No, I love it. Is ego. And ego has many different definitions. If you look up in the dictionary, you'll get a Few. Freud had his own idea of it. And according to Kabbalah, there's another way to think of that, which is basically, ego is not connected to our true essence. It's wanting to be the smartest person in the room or have the last word, or when the argument, that we get very caught up in how we think, what we know, what we need, what a person should give us. When there's ego in a relationship, I always say this is the third party in the room, and it's the one that really reeks the most havoc of all. The opposite of ego is being connected to your soul, to your spirit, which is, you know, being thoughtful and kind and compassionate. So this is an aspect of a relationship that, if we're not careful, can really kind of derail us, because you can't come to a conclusion, an argument, or repair or be kind if ego is the most important thing. And this tends to happen when people, again, don't start the relationship in a place of vulnerability and friendship. So that's in this part, too, because I've seen that. It's just. It's crazy what people say to each other or do to each other when their ego is bruised.

Oh, my God.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, so you had mentioned something real quick before we move on. As long as we're still here, you had said new ways to fight. I'm super intrigued by that because I thoroughly. I'm excited to hear what you say because we actually, my husband and I have, like, we have learned a beautiful way for us to fight.

Like, it just.

It works for us. It's amazing. We've talked about it. So can you share, like, what that looks like and how people could understand how to do it?

I can, but then I'm really curious to hear your style.

Okay.

The first thing is that people often say, oh, we're fine. We never fight. When I hear that, I get really worried because I think fighting is very healthy. It shows that you care. It shows that you're passionate. It shows that you're invested. But the key here is, how do you fight? Because we know sometimes fights lead to even worse feelings. One of the most important things is that people need to go back and repair an argument, because when you don't and you leave an argument hanging out, even if you both kind of let it go, as soon as you have the next argument, you bring up the last one, because you actually never let it go and it wasn't resolved. The key here is we often learn our styles from what we saw growing up in our home, I am Middle Eastern. My parents were screamers and door slamming and all of that good stuff. When I came to marriage, naturally, that was my style. I just thought, that's how you fight when you're married. My husband was the silent type. He would really shut down and ignore me, which would then infuriate me. A few years after this going on for a while, I was like, okay, we need to come up with a style. We realized that both styles were not good because I felt rejected. Also, I didn't understand, by the way, physiologically, men, when they get really upset, the only way they can calm down and lower their heart rate is when they do something like sit on a couch and turn a TV on. It helps them calm down. For women, we get calm by expressing ourselves, by talking about it. First of all, just understanding on a physiological level what's happening, I think is very helpful. But then from there, you both need to say, okay, when we argue and you ignore me, this is how I feel. And you can say, well, when you scream, I can't be part of that. First you just have to see how your reaction is making the other person feel. Then together you can come and say, okay, well, what options do we have? Again, back to that word. If those are not options, what are our options? Now? My husband and I, we've mastered this, so we don't even. It becomes, I think, the most important thing, what we did is that I realized that there needed to be space between what the issue was and the conversation. Because first of all, I could be clear about what I'm feeling. I could also calm myself and say, okay, how is he going to hear me? Being emotionally intelligent about your partner, just knowing them is going to help you in how you communicate with them. That was extremely helpful. And now we'll say it in a calm voice. It's more about this happened and this is how it made me feel. And in the future, I'd really appreciate it if you could say it this way, because I can't hear it that way. One of the biggest things for me was my father always said things like, you should have done this, and why did you do that? You made the biggest mistake. It was all full of regret. And so when we were married, he'd say, you really should have. And as soon as he said that, I didn't catch it at first, but I feel like, no, not going to ever do that. I was really being defiant. And then I finally realized what that was about, and I explained it to him and I said, it just takes me back to my childhood and never having opportunities. It's just regret, regret, regret. He learned not to talk like that with me. It's really an education and it's a compassion for one another. It's a. It's an offering.

Oh, my God.

Million, million percent. It's like somehow, if you really can pull yourself away, like, somehow we've navigated that pretty much that exact path. Like, we learned our. Where our fighting styles came from just by, you know, assessing what are we doing, like, what is his. His style was winning the fight no matter what, and my style was running away. So that just never worked. And so we had to be like, you know, what does this look like? What's the conversation like? And now we actually. We've been married, it'll be 15 years in August. And we have had to learn each other's language. Like, we learn a new language all the time. And we've worked together now at home for like 10 years. So let me tell you, that first year, even though we had been married for a while, I was like, oh, my God, I married the wrong person.

I hate him.

I was literally like, I hate this human. We had to learn a whole new language for working together. Even though we had a great language for being together, working together was completely different. So now what we do is we make space for conversation every day. So we go on a walk every single day and we look at something that we call matchstick flare ups. So it's always where we will have a little fight or something will flare up or we'll get really upset. And if there's ever anything still burning, like, we have to make sure that if that matchstick or that flare up is still burning in either of us, that by the time the walk is done, if that's been enough time for us to kind of step away, that we're gonna talk about it, we're gonna make sure we blow it out because we don't wanna let it burn overnight. Can turn into a raging forest fire if we never acknowledge it. So that's kind of how we always look at, like, where was the emotion today and what. You know, without having to even say those words anymore. It's just, we know what it is because, you know, especially with. I'm sure this is your life as well, especially as life gets busier and you're running businesses and I can't even imagine adding kids into the mix. Like, if you don't acknowledge them right away, they're gonna rage on. Like, they're gonna Get a life of their own, or you're gonna resent or they're gonna come up. So, like, taking that time to acknowledge right away. Yeah, I love hearing that. It's just. It's crazy how things can they fall into this pattern that ends up working. If you step away, you kind of end up figuring it out eventually. If you're open to it, both of you.

Absolutely. And I think you and your husband sound very emotionally intelligent. So now. Yeah, you don't need to call it anything. It's the rhythm now. You understand each other and you are linked together. And that's what relationships should be like. And everybody can get there, really. Everybody can get there.

Yeah.

That's probably a huge question that we get asked all the time is just like, how do you even. It's the how do you make it work?

Question.

And I'm like, what does that even mean? There's a million.

The thing is, too, though, you know, as I was listening to you speak, I think that often women especially we think that men are not emotional, you know, and that is not. They're actually more sensitive than we are. I mean, there are studies on that they just were raised that men should be stoic and strong and brave and not show it. My boys, you know, my girls, I have two and two. And my girls express themselves completely. I've trained myself, especially my oldest son is 21, to really look at him and understand how he is bidding for my attention or it's never expressed. And we are very expressive in our house. My husband is very sensitive. He's very expressive about his emotions and. And even with an amazing model, my son will go there, but we still have to lead him. So I think that often, especially in relationships, we're judging our partners and we're assuming they don't care, or we say things that are hurtful and they don't express that that hurt them. And then over time, they just stop caring to protect themselves. In fact, there was a whole study done that girls want to become like their mothers and boys want to be becoming to their mothers. I started to research this when my kids hit pre pretty. Some of them. My youngest is 6, so I have a big range. But I was like, what is going on here? Because it was all different for all of them. And they were just acting in ways that I couldn't understand right away. Girls, they're more challenging when they hit puberty because they are trying to become women, and they're the same sex as the body they came from. They're trying to Be an individual. And there's this push, pull, like, leave me alone. I'm becoming my own woman. But, mom, I need you. Which was really confusing for me as a mom. But boys want to be becoming to their mothers. That means they really care what you think. They really care about your opinion. It really matters to them. And then when they go and they have adult relationships or they get married, that need then shifts over to their partner. Right now, women don't really know this going into relationships. We might say things over time like, oh, you're so lazy, or you never do things right, or, why don't you clean up after yourself? And they just hear it as rejection. As rejection. And they think to themselves, well, wait, I did this nice thing for you the day before. Why aren't you mentioning that? They can't put it all together. They see it as these individual things, and then they just shut down. So I teach the people I work with also, like, you know, make a joke of it, like, oh, you know, I know you're really good at cleaning up because I saw how you put your golf clubs away. You know, the socks are really jealous. You know, things like that. So you can just kind of get your way. But understand that friends. Friends first. Friends don't judge each other. You know, friends speak nicely to one another. Friends are kind, right?

Oh, man, that couldn't be more true. Because I remember a time when I used to just think that my husband Chris was, like, insensitive, or I. And it would cause me. Cause he wasn't sharing, right? He was just acting like a certain way.

And it wasn't until later, when he.

Started just communicating more, that I didn't know that I was saying certain things that were like. That he felt were really degrading to him. And now I can totally see how. Of course it would be that way, or potentially nagging or, you know, feeling like certain things just like you said he wasn't getting credit for. And it is, like, so enlightening to be able to have that space, to have your partner open up and open your eyes. And it really does. I think that's that next step to, like, learning each other's communication. But I think that's. Wow, that is, like, so powerful for so many people, I think, to understand that, yeah, you might be seeing one thing, but especially for men to be super sensitive. So thank you for. Thank you for adding that. Okay, so moving into the we.

So we is a manual for growing your relationship to its ultimate potential. And I think that people put so much energy and effort into finding the 1. Double dating. Reading books on relationships, which I'm all for, but they'll go to every kind of gamut to find the person and put themselves in really uncomfortable situations. And then once they find their partner, then it's kind of like, okay, check, Then we have kids, check. I don't think they go back necessarily and put as much energy into cultivating the relationship, Making sure that the love is growing day after day, year after year. I think people often hear that marriage is work. Yes, it's effort, but it doesn't mean that it's painful or it's hard work. It just means that you put energy into it. This is all a guide on how to do that, where we kind of get tripped up. Like, one of the biggest things I think happen early in a relationship is we lose appreciation for our partner. And when appreciation is lost, the love feels lost. You may love them, but your ability to access it isn't quite there. I give this example in my book where with my oldest back to puberty stage, I was like, what's happened to my sweet boy? There was one day in particular, he came into the room and he said to my husband, you can come watch my baseball game. It's on this day at this time. And I said, oh, great, actually, I can come too. And he looked at me and he kind of shifting from side to eyes. His eyes are not side to side, and his eyes aren't making contact. He's like, no, no, it's okay. Dad will record it. It's fine. I said, but why would you want me to watch a recording? I can come to the game. He's like, no, no, no, it's okay. Finally, I got it out of him that I was nine months pregnant then and he was 14. And that made him really uncomfortable because now his friends knew how babies were made. Like, oh, my God. My mom had sex at some point. So I remember I didn't know what to do with that. I was like, okay, it's time for bed. Good night. And I remember feeling hurt by it, right? And I realized that it's easy to lose appreciation. Then I thought about when he was first born, right? The smell of his skin, the touch of his skin on my neck, his head cradled in my hand. I mean, the amount of appreciation I had for him was indescribable only to that night. I was like, okay. I'm not really appreciating him, and I'm not really feeling that immense feeling now. Did my love for him change? No. And he's, by the way, the same soul. He's the same person. Right? So it's the same thing in relationships. It's. It's so easy to lose appreciation and then think you made a mistake or you don't love them anymore. So I give a lot of tips on how to awaken appreciation. There's a whole chapter on friendship there. There's also a chapter on practice. Because when people first get married again that first year, I hear this a lot too. Like, I don't know why they don't love me or they're not listening to me, or especially if they're in a fight, I'm a great wife or I'm a great husband. No, no, you're not. You're new at this. You suck at it. So there's Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers, and he talks about how to be great at anything. It takes 10,000 hours, which equates to 10 years. And I say that in 10 years, if you constantly put effort in the relationship, then you can be great at it, then you can master it. But it takes that. John Gottman, who's a great relationship expert, he said that usually it takes seven years for people to seek counsel when they are having problems in a marriage. And by that point it is almost too late. Which makes sense, knowing that it takes 10,000 hours to be good at something you put a lot of energy into.

Oh, that is so interesting. So it takes seven years for people to seek counsel. Does it have any correlation to the seven year itch when they are like, huh, maybe this is not working?

I think so. I think it is. Like the first year is difficult. Then maybe second, third, fourth, you have kids or it is still a little bit romantic. By seven years, it is very clear what's working and what's not working.

Oh, well, this was so enlightening. I literally love talking about relationships. I could talk about them all day long because they're so multifaceted. But it's amazing to understand that there are, I mean, there's solutions and conversations and ways to, like you said, make it create something that you're not settling for. I do thoroughly believe that, that these are so many tools and practices and beliefs in order to really have that ultimate relationship or life or relationship with yourself that you've always, always wanted and you don't have to settle. So is there anything that you just want to leave the audience with?

Yeah, I want them to be hopeful and, and not just about. I mean, what's relationships? Right. It's Love. And so I think that everybody can experience the ultimate love story. But again, it starts with yourself. And, you know, it's an inside job. And when you really are able to learn to love yourself and to hear the quiet voice within, hear your desires and your wishes and your wants and your cravings, give it to yourself. And then from that space, invite a partner who can meet you at that same level and occupy that same space and then create the life you want together. Because we're meant to enjoy. We're meant to be happy. We're meant to be our best. So in that space, there's no room for suffering or judgmental thoughts or thinking you're not enough because you are.

Well, Monica, I am so thankful for you in this conversation. I would love for people to get this book. Can we get it on Amazon?

Where can we grab it?

Yeah, you can get it on Amazon. And there's also a great workbook, a companion workbook that comes with it that you get as well to help do all the workshops and do the work right away.

Well, we will link that all up and I just wanna say I'm grateful for all of the work that you do and for living your life the way that you do so that we can figure out how to do it as well once you've been able to teach us. So thank you so much, you guys. If you loved this episode, something that is amazing for you to do for the guest is to tag Monica at her social handle, which I'll put in the notes. Tag Monica, tag myself, Let her know what your biggest takeaway was from this. I'm telling you, there's nothing like going on a podcast and being able to see how it's actually impacted all of the listeners. So you guys, make sure you take her, tag myself, share the podcast, share your biggest takeaways, and also text this to a friend. If you know somebody who's struggling in any relationship at all, you just never know what it's going to do or what it's going to bring out. So, you guys, until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye Bye.