573. Q+A: Boundaries FREE you to live your dreams

So what happens is when people have a high expectation and see that you are just willing to fail publicly or to go for it, what that says to them is that they should be that way too. So then that person tries to put that high expectation on you to say, well, if I put this on you and you don't reach it, then it's okay for me to be this perfectionist and not reach it as well. Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go, Evans. Welcome back to another episode of Questionably awesome, where we question whether or not we're awesome every minute of the day. So if you have not tuned into this podcast before, this is a podcast that I started pretty much totally selfishly, just for me, because Evans makes me laugh all the time. And I was like, you know what? My podcast is missing an element of me being like, fully me. And this girl brings it out and we just have a really great time together and we like to talk about pretty much everything. So you get to be a fly on the wall to ridiculousness. If that's not your jam, if you're like, I don't have time to be ridiculous. Not for you it's not. You're not going to like this jam spread.

You need to go to another jam.

Yeah, you need to go to Baloney Lane, because this is a jam. So there's your little taste. Log off now or forever hold your peace.

Peace and love.

That really should be just our opening. Log off now or forever hold your peace because this ain't for you. All right, you guys, welcome to another episode. We're so excited. Evans, where are you coming to us from? Because you seem to come to us from many places at all times. What part of the land are you in?

I'm in the land of Indianapolis.

Is in someone's office.

Yes. I'm in my father in law's office.

I like that. I did a lot of work from my father in law's office recently, and it does. It carries, like, a little bit of a professional vibe.

It really does. Also, there's a workout machine in here.

Oh, wow. Is that a fan bike where you move the arms and stuff? Yes, they're good. Do you know why? Because when you're in the Midwest, you absolutely want all of your workout equipment to also be cooling your home.

It's sustainable energy. It is.

I feel a little bit like a power plant while I'm also burning calories. So I'm a little disappointed. I have a peloton. There is no sort of room cooling. There is no air movement. Like, they really did not think about the Midwest home. Like, we're summertime.

Do you love your peloton?

Oh, I. They need to pay me because I was about to go into a full ad right there for them, and they're not sponsoring, so I asked them if they would sponsor, but they didn't. But I'm still going to give them a free ad space right now. Are you ready?

Okay, I'm ready.

I'm obsessed. Like, so much fun. It might help that Chris is next to me as well, but we just, like, talk and laugh and, like, we talk back to the instructor this way. Like, at SoulCycle, I definitely, like, hoot and holler. I am that girl. You would probably, if you're not into that, you would not like to ride next to me. I do a lot of ponytail flipping. I still do it at home. I was like, you know what? If people thought I was putting on a show, I put on a bigger show at home by myself because I feel like I'm performing on the bike. Like, I pretend I'm an instructor, and that makes it a lot more fun. And I sing and I talk back to the people. Here's the thing. You can high five people on live rides. So, like, people will high five me, and I high five whoever is kind of, like, around me in that area. Meaning, like, you kind of are, like, on track with the people for, like, how you're working out. And then also. So if I'm saying this wrong, it's because I'm new. I've only done two rides. And then the other thing that's so cool about Peloton is you could turn your camera on. Like, if you had a peloton bike, you could turn your camera on. I could ride with you. Our faces would be just like this on Zoom. Riding together, doing the same ride and talking about it. We could talk about the instructor and they wouldn't hear us.

Okay, that's really cool, huh?

Like, we would just be up at each other's grill, like, like, sweaty faces, and just like, however we want to do that.

But you can have. You can have connection. That's really cool.

It is so much fun. So I. I literally was against it for a long time because, you know, I was a Soul Cycle freaking fan. Like, the biggest fan. And then I, you know, we don't have Soul Cycle, so I don't know when it's coming back. And so this is the closest thing to it. Like, I can go and follow all of the people who have a peloton, which, by the way, if you have a peloton, I follow me. High five me so I can find out who the heck you are. And also, my name is not Lori Harder on there. It's drink light pink, so.

Oh.

Oh, look what I did there. Drinking on the bike.

Well, maybe I'll get on this fan bike when you do your peloton bike, and I'll just, like, get a digital camera. Would you?

Oh, FaceTime me. FaceTime me on the fan bike.

Except often with my arms like this.

Well, get a little setup. I mean, get a stand. This is gonna be so fun. Could we please do a video like that and just be like, peloton, eat your heart out. You're not cooling anyone's house right now.

Nope.

Suckajuita. Anyway, okay.

What's up with you, Lori?

So I think that we need to. Oh, what's up with me? Let's talk. I was about to give you my quote.

Oh, you should. You should give us your quote.

All right, so the quote is, there's two of them because they're next to me on this good quote page, so. Or they're right next to each other. So I really like this one. Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this world. Just by the good quote. Apparently, this page. This page has a brain of its own. Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this world. I thought that was really important for myself. Like, you know what. What are you bringing? Because that's what you're getting. Literally what you're getting. So whatever sort of plate that you are building, let me tell you, every day, you are putting a plate of energy in front of you. So if you're putting a big, sloppy plate of. You get to eat that, it's kind of.

Nobody wants to eat. No, that's disgusting.

That is disgusting. Like, what do you do? Eat it with hay on the side? I don't know. All right, next. Next quote control how you respond to things sent to destroy your peace.

Interesting. So those both have some similarities because it's about you can you deciding what kind of energy you're gonna have.

Ain't that the truth.

Have you had to do that a lot?

Oh yeah, I've just been observing as people kind of like we actually just did a podcast on it right before this one. So I was podcasting at 7:15 this morning and then you know, go Lori. So Chris and I just did a podcast about this. Just talking about, you know, I had somebody, and God bless their heart, like, and I really mean that because it was such a kind person, they actually did it in such a nice way. I usually my messages aren't nice, but it was just talking about how the person was like, hey, maybe it's not in good taste to be posting like your wins right now. And I was like, I'm gonna just think on that for a second. And I was like, this really feels not actually right to me. Like not good. Not because of them, but because I know what I'm sent here to do. And the whole concept that came out of it or the whole just. My lesson was I have to wanna help people a little bit more than I worry about opinions of people who might have different differing opinions. So that's kind of where that came from. But yeah, I just. And it's not that people are seeking to actually destroy your peace. They are so not at peace themselves because they're not minding their own energy. That people. What we don't realize is we turn into the frickin lunch lady and we're like, you know what, I'm serving this shit up to you to get in line.

Yeah. Take it.

Yeah, I'm not in that line. I'm in a self serve line. And I'm going to give myself a hearty, delicious, feel good salad with protein, with so many vegetables, so much fruit. Get your bullshit out of my vibe.

All that beige stuff, got to go.

And I go and look at it and it's not like, I don't know it's there and I'm very aware of it. And I'm also super compassionate to the people who have a macaroni obsession because I once had it as well. Like the more I consume it, the more I want it. And I'm just like. And not that macaroni is bad. There is no bad food. No. You know what I'm saying? I'm not even talking about Kraft macaroni because I actually think that makes you a better person. I'M talking about. I'm talking about the kind that's been on the buffet all day long. There's been 27 little children who have come up with their dirty hands, and they just grab it with their fingers, and it's like, hardened and pick their nose. Don't get me wrong, love kids done it before as well. Not being a child, but I don't want the boogery macaroni.

All right, this kind of brings me to my quote, which is in a line with yours, because I picked an Amy Poehler quote.

Love her.

And she says, good for her, not for me. This is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again. Good for her, not for me.

I couldn't love that more because I have been on the judgmental side, and I like where obviously I've been judging the person, and that doesn't feel good. That actually feels horrible. So just repeating that, Evan. So Amy Poehler, which I love her, like, just being able to say, good for her, not for me. It actually frees you and stops you from the feeling of prison. Because judgment to me, feels like I'm putting myself in a little dirty cell. Like, it's a little personal dirty cell that I stay in. And I'm like, actually, I secretly like the dirt in this corner. I'm gonna lick it. And you don't want anyone to see that. You're over in the corner licking some sort of weird poop, like, substance, and you like it. Like, let's be real with ourselves. Don't do that.

It doesn't help. And I think it goes along with a lot of people right now. I have a lot of friends with kids, and they're all making different decisions.

On what to do, what to do with their children.

Some of them are homeschooling. Some of them are going. Some of them are not. And we've all kind of been talking about how everyone's having to make these decisions. Good for her, not for me.

It's okay.

Do what's good for you. Just don't be a jerk.

Wade in the process. You know, I'm.

I'm.

I probably won't say this much on this podcast, but I have had moments of like, wow, I'm a little afraid to have children because I've had so many friends say, like, being a mom on social media is so hard because they get so criticized by other moms. I'm. I'm like, my heart just goes out to people because you. It's. It's not easy to navigate. Obviously, I'm sure being a mom anyway and then trying to do it right in everyone else's eyes and I get guarantee doing it right in everyone else's eyes is actually like making it terrible for you because you think you have to go up to this standard that isn't actually real because we're all just doing the best that we possibly can. And just like you said, like, we really do need to just cheer each other on and be each other's cheerleaders and come to each other's aid and rescue. And like if we don't do that, man, we are just gonna like. That's why I think we get a bad rap as friends. And it's really, really tough to navigate because you gotta. If you want to keep on being a cheerleader for women and keep on creating these incredible women friendships, you have to be willing to keep leaning in. Like, yeah, you're going to have people who do mean things or say mean things and you're going to have to lean in even harder to your good relationships. And sometimes your good relationships won't feel great at all. Sometimes it'll feel scary or you'll feel vulnerable sharing something or you'll be afraid that people won't, they won't like you or you'll be afraid that you let them down and then you have to lean in even harder. Like it is tough to navigate. So props to all of us for just continuing to lean in and show up even when we feel super effed up. Like yes, good for us. Celebrate. Celebrate every. I'm celebrating every woman who is listening to this right now. Every man who's listening so that they can help a woman out or themselves out, whatever that looks like. Thank you everyone.

Thank you everyone. I agree. I'm celebrating y' all too because is hard right now.

So that was a high pitched yeah, yeah. That actually kind of hurt my own ears.

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I have something else that'll cheer you on right now.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah, let's hear it. Okay.

It's from an Coot05.

Love that person.

Love them. Oh, man, this is great. They say you help. Love all your content, Lori. I'm really enjoying that. He said, she said. Because I love the dynamic perspectives, I feel like I take something away from all your guests, even if it's just a reminder of something I already heard. And you and Evans crack me up. On the nights off of exercise, I usually go for a five mile walk, and this podcast really keeps me company every time. P.S. please, please do not name your child Ophelia.

Harder.

Ophelia. I don't remember which one that was on, but I'm pretty sure we had that conversation. Yep. By the way, Evans, okay, first, let me say thank you for that epic review that just sent a little shot, actually a big dose of dopamine to both of us. Yeah. Thanks for that trans. Little hit in the morning.

I loved it.

Drugs are good. These are good. Thank you. And all I can picture is us on your five mile walks, which that means you have to listen to a few of these. So, yeah, you're really in it to win it with us. I'm, like, so grateful for these reviews. Write an email to customer servicerieharter.com and I'm gonna send you something so cool. It's gonna blow your mind. Oh, it's gonna blow your mind. Okay, so Evans.

Yes.

Gonna say. Oh. Someone just sent me a screenshot of their book using the word, and in the sentence, it said cockles. And it reminded her of the podcast that we did where you said, that just touches the cockles of my heart. And I thought you made the word up, and we're just being ridiculous, and you're like, no, it's a word. And I thought, what a terrible word to. And so she screenshotted it and said, it's in my book talking about cockles right now. So anyway, there's so many things that we. So cockles. What was the other one about? Juggernaut. Yeah, Juggernaut.

I never heard that.

Oh, yeah, that's our new nickname. Wow, you're a real juggernaut. Look it up. Look these things up. You get smarter on this podcast.

Time to expand your mind.

Stop having such a little mind. Listen to us, you know?

Yeah. If you want your life to get bigger, tune in.

There are squirrels who started listening to this, and they may be smarter. All right, so they definitely are.

Anyway, do you have a question? Yes, it's a great topic. Topic is boundaries. Lori, do you have them?

No, I don't either. Yeah, I've got really good boundaries, actually.

No, you really do, because you wrote a book.

Yeah, I wrote a book about boundaries. It talks about boundaries. But the fact that you just said you wrote a book, that means I have to have boundaries. Because if you have ever tried to write a book before, what happens is you start writing the book and everybody you've ever met in your entire life wants to do something with you or wants to, like, start talking, or they post something cute, and you need to respond back.

That's a lot. It's a lot. And you gotta draw the line.

I was like, these people don't understand that I have no boundaries. And what they're doing is they keep on posting on social media, and I feel I need to comment about their dogs. So they are really affecting my boundaries, you know? But I'm like. But I'm being so, like, real about boundaries in general. Like, you have to have boundaries with yourself. You have to have boundaries with other people. And here's the thing about boundaries. I could talk about them all day long, but boundaries piss people off. They don't like them. I can't tell you how many people were, like, rude. I've asked you a million times to be on my podcast, and you keep saying no. Can't you just take one hour? What they don't get is that one hour is like you have a hundred other people asking you to do the same. And a lot of times, what we don't realize with boundaries is you. You. It's these little yeses that whittle away at you. So let's just say one person wants an hour of your time. That hour isn't just the hour. It's the prep time. It's after. It's before. It's the scheduling. It's the pivoting into the next thing, and when you are writing a book or doing something important. So I think boundaries are just. Boundaries are like the safety fence around the little thing that, you know. Not little. I hate when people use the word little about their mission and their purpose. Boundaries are the fence around your calling in life. And what happens is when you don't put that safety fence up, it can be a beautiful fence. People just come and stomp through your garden, and they are going to take that vegetable that you are trying to grow to feed yourself and your family and your vision. And it can't happen that way. You got to build your fence. All right.

Gotta build that fence.

Yeah. Let's hear these questions, because we didn't even answer one, did we?

No, but you sort of did. Okay, here we go. Are you ready? This is from underscore. Patricia Garner.

Patricia Garner. That is a like a. That is a celebrity name.

Patricia Garner. The celebrity asks, what are the best ways to set boundaries with people who have high expectations of you, have any ideas? You need to set their. Their expectations to be way lower.

And that is the best answer ever. And I'm being so real. It's. It is their expectation. And when people have really high expectations, they actually have really high expectations on themselves. I find that people who are perfectionists tend to have really high expectations, and it also stops them from doing a lot because you never tend to hit it or you never tend to do it because the expectation is so high that you. You have so much fear around failure. So when there's a really high expectation, I know that they have more fear around failure in their lives, and it's keeping them in prison. So what happens is when people have a high expectation and see that you are just willing to fail publicly or to go for it, what that says to them is that they should be that way, too. So then that person tries to put that high expectation on you to say, well, if I put this on you and you don't reach it, then it's okay for me to be this perfectionist and not reach it as well. But it's almost like, wait, why can you do that and fail publicly and not reach my expectation? And I can't let myself do that. So it's interesting. When I find myself judging people, I'm kind of like, oh, I'm judging them because they're doing something that I might think is the easy route, and I could very well do, and I want that attention, but. But I'm not gonna do. So it's like I throw my expectation on them in turn, keeping myself in prison for whatever I think that I can't do. If that made any sense to you, let me know, because I'm confused about it.

Wait, so are you saying, like, a tool you could use? If this person has high expectations of you, would it be a communication tool, like saying, hey, I've been thinking about this, and this is actually what I can deliver on this?

That's absolutely what I'm saying in a much easier, more digestible way.

No, but there I understood what you're saying. Good.

I'm so glad, because I had a moment there where I myself was lost, and I was like, life preserver. Throw yourself one. Get off this boat. All right, so. But let's go back to the tools, because thanks for bringing me Back to something that's actually usable information. Yeah. So a tool for that would be to explain that your actual, like, what your expectation is and come to an agreement. Because you could say something like, hey, I've been noticing X, Y, and Z, and I just want to let you know that here is how, you know, I'm going to go about doing this thing, or here's what works for me. Or, you know, I noticed that maybe in. What's a really good way to say for somebody, let's. Let's set this up, Evans. Because I think this is what happens in some friendships or expectations. So maybe we start getting to know someone as a friend, or maybe they're already in our life and we notice that they want us to text them every day or call them, you know, each week a couple times or. Or maybe meet for coffee or show up in a way that we can't show up. But you really enjoy this person. But you're like, I almost. What happens is I think that we just, like, block them or we find ourselves super resentful of just, like, showing up because we'll never be enough for them. We're like, oh, my God, this is a relationship where I'm never gonna be able to meet the standards and the, you know, things, the expectations that they want. So what is something that you would say to me if I was like, evans, I just, you know, I wanted to have you over for dinner. You said no. Like, I feel like our relationship. I feel like you're not as invested as I am, because I need to see people every week.

Oh, okay. This is really hard. I would say I'm 100% invested in a relationship. I just can't commit that time right now, But I can commit to doing something every other week. Or, like, if you want to do an hour on this day. Just with the way my schedule is working right now, I can't really commit to a standing. Whatever you're asking.

Is that good?

Oh, my God. I could never do that in real life, Lori. Oh, my God, that's so hard.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it.

I could. I can now. Do you know why? Because I literally, like, number one, I actually don't have time to do things with people. Number two, I don't have the energy to keep up this conversation of, oh, my God, she's mad at me, and I have to keep recommitting to something that I don't want to do. That pain. I've been there. It has gotten so intense. Mind You. I'm. I'm a little older than you. I'm like. And I know that that's the most annoying conversation ever, but, like, I didn't do this before. There was just enough mounting years that I think, like, I had enough years of feeling that, like, holy shit, I'm resentful that I just started having to say it because I couldn't do it anymore. Like, now. And I'm annoyed with myself for even saying I'm a little older than you, because what does that mean anyway? Like, what if you've been here 10 lives more than me? Like, who knows?

Who knows?

Actually, I'm 10,000 lives in.

I am a cat. But I understand what you're saying, and I think it's hard if you're, like, a people pleaser and you always want. You don't want to disappoint anyone.

Yeah, but what I.

Whenever I have these conversations, nine times out of 10, the person really doesn't care. It's like, okay, cool. No problem.

And if they do care, here's the deal. It was going to blow up in your face down the road because you can't meet their expectations. So what they're going to end up doing is getting in a fight with you, getting so mad at you that they just stop talking to you. And you're like, I don't even know what happened. Has that ever happened to you? And you're like, I actually don't even know what happened. Like, oh, my God. I spent this whole relationship apologizing for not being enough, and now she's not talking to me. It's because you did not have a clear expectation. You pissed them off so bad. You let them down from your lack of, like, being clear that they took it as, like, just writing them off over and over and over and not being there for them. So then they just decided to ghost on you and tell everyone how much they hated you. Personal experience. And then you're the one who looks like a total dick because you didn't say your actual expectation. And they're telling everyone and their brother that you're, like, flighty, you don't care, you don't commit to friendships, and that you are too good for them.

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Good grief.

But that's a true scenario. It happens over and over and over for people who don't communicate their expectation. So having that happen to me like three times, I was like, okay, Lori, what type of friend are you? So I realized, number one, I was. I thought I was letting myself down because I thought that I needed to be that type of friend. I learned that there are other people out there who are like me, who want the friendship but don't want to have to stay in touch more than, like every other week or, you know, if we do want to stay in touch once a week, we have to do something like this, like a standing appointment. I don't have room for a lot of standing appointments. Probably only one to two per week, if that. So I don't do a lot of those things. So for me, friends who need a lot of text and a lot of time, we will not be friends. I will let you down so hard because I have trouble keeping up with my parents so that I have to set a reminder for. And you know, it just depends on what type of friend and person that you are. So I have to schedule those things in because peopleing feels challenging for me. And the thing is, I love peopling, but I have to force myself to do it. I am that introverted, so. And I know that sounds so bizarre to people, like, you're introverted. Yes, I can be totally extroverted behind a microphone, but it is. It's why I wrote the book I wrote is because it's challenging. So I guess for me, like, and for you, Evans, like, you'll forever stay in that prison if you don't free your own self and say, you know what? I've learned. This is the type of friend I am. And I wish I could live up to this expectation because I think you're amazing. But unfortunately, I'm going to be failing at this expectation. But here is an expectation that I can meet if it doesn't make sense to you, trust me, I totally get it. And I'm really sad to see this friendship go. But if it does make sense to you, I can't wait to just continue on and be able to build memories with you.

I love that.

And that's not an easy conversation. It's the worst, but the worst conversations for you to have the best life.

So true. And I think it also helps to pause because a lot of times when I first meet someone or first take on a task or something, I'll be like, yes, sure, whatever, no problem. And really, a lot of times just the act of pausing and being like, oh, thank you for sending this my way. Let me think about it for a day and I'll get back to you. Or just that little pause instead of immediately saying yes to everything.

I'm so glad you pointed at that out, because that's a huge. That's gonna help your life so much. Now, depending on what type of decision maker you are, there are some people who are very clear in the moment. I actually did a human design thing where it kind of tells you what type of decision maker you are, and it was confirmed what I already knew. I have to take a week to, like, see how I feel about it, because I get very excited in the moment. Oh, my God, I'm obsessed with this girl. This was amazing. Let's be best friends. And I commit to something that I can't keep up on my end, or I add something to the schedule that just, like, isn't actually working. And then the day comes and I'm like, damn it. Like, this is too much. And so that one week pause is huge. Chris and I have a thing where we try, especially if someone's asking us in the moment, we say, oh, we'll let you know in a week. We just have to check with our schedule and make sure it's, like, all clear. And that has saved us from so much busyness and also really keeps us thinking. Like, you know, there are so many great people out in the world, but who do we have time for? And unfortunately, in life, you don't get to be really great friends with all of the people that you want to. So we have to say, whose time are we robbing right now if we become friends with these people? Like, where are we taking it from? You don't get more time. Who are you taking it from? Is it being taken from your family or your other best friend that you just started wanting to commit more to? So when you say yes, it's taking from something else. So just be really, really conscious of where it's coming from.

Good call.

Yeah. And if it's not a person, think of the vision it's. It's being taken from. So, you know, right now, there's. There's a lot of times in your life where you don't get to be as extroverted. You. You might not get to invest in the relationships that you want to because maybe you're investing in your vision. Um, but I'll tell you, the more that you invest in your vision, the more time you will have later on. So that's interesting as well.

That is interesting.

I needed to hear that.

Should we try one more question?

Yeah, we'll try to do more of a rapid question here.

Okay. I feel like we might have just answered this one. Ooh, this is a good one for right now. From Elissas72, how do you set boundaries around family members when it may cause tension in the family?

Oh, girl lived this. Living this. Melissa, great question. I think we're all feeling that anytime you have anything different than how you grew up or, you know what, anytime you have a family member in general doesn't. I don't care if it's Uncle Harry says your sister, your brother, your neighbor that you're close to who you call family. Yep. Yeah, that's going to be a toughie. Okay, so with that said, how do you set boundaries? It's hard. You are going to probably get in a little bit of family trouble for a little while because you're rocking the boat. You are changing the family dynamic. You're also changing what might be the definition of your family. So I find this really interesting because, you know, Chris and I come from two completely different families. So I observed how, like, what values each family holds is kind of like what you are living by. It's the code, right? Like, so you might be breaking. You're breaking the code. So if you're asking this, it's because you're going to be breaking a code of some sort of definition of what family means to you. So I know in Chris's family, family means no matter what, like, you show up and this is how you be. And so no matter even if that person is maybe not treating you the greatest like your family. So no matter what, your family. So at the end of the day, you always have to be X, Y and Z. Well, the definition in my head of what family is is, yes, I will run through walls for you until you don't treat me good. And then it's not okay. And it's not fair. Even if we're bonded by the word family, it's not okay for you to treat me this way. I will not tolerate it. So with that said, like, you have to think about, and I'm not saying, like, that's how things are being treated, I'm saying that is a perfect example of where the breakdown is. So if someone's not treating me well and the breakdown is well, I'm just not going to keep coming back. Like, if you're a moving bus, I'm not going to keep stepping in front of it if you're not going to agree to put on the brakes and have a conversation. So with that said, it's kind of like that's going to be a breakdown, right?

Yeah.

Because that breaks the code of what the code is. It's kind of like, no matter how I treat you or how I be or how I show up, you always have to be there for me or you always just have to be there. So that's going to require a lot of conversations. And a lot of people aren't going to agree with you. And then some are going to be like, whoa, you stood up for a different code of what this means to us. What does it look like to renegotiate? So you have to have a lot of conversations on renegotiating and you have to speak clearly, what you believe are the terms of this silent agreement that you've made or that your family's made for 20 years, 30 years, a hundred years, maybe 200 years. Maybe it's gone through the whole. Maybe this is ancestral that you are truly breaking this pattern. And so that's the conversation you need to have with that person is like, hey, they're not willing to come to terms with this agreement. And here's the agreement that I have. You know, they're breaking this agreement around how I'm being treated. Whatever this looks like, you know, I can't do family dinner every single Sunday. This is going to have to get renegotiated because here's the vision that I have for my life and my family's life. It is really crazy because you are breaking family ties, bonds and agreements and you're resetting and renegotiating. That is not easy. That's the hardest thing you'll do in your life. In my personal opinion.

Completely agree. I think Adam has an amazing family and they're all very close knit and show up to everything. I've never met a family who was like, we are there, we will be there for you. We'll do family dinners. Like all these things. And I get a little overwhelmed from if it's a steady stream of hanging out every day or something like that. I just need to check out a little bit earlier or something. So that's something I've been working on is just being like, hey, I'm having a really good time, but I'm going to go to bed early just to sit and read. Because that's what kind of person I am. It's not that I don't want to hang out with you. It's like finding a balance between spending time with your family and also making sure you're not to sound lame, but like filling your own tank up.

Oh, you have to or you're gonna hate those people. And you love them, but you're gonna hate them. Exactly yeah, And I just. I really want to, like, nail down that point that you just said is a lot of times, super. A lot agreements stay in place because it's working for someone. But the thing is, is that we are all so different that you have to have flexible agreements if you are in a relationship that involves more than one person. So has to be able to flex. You have to be able to say, this is how we are, but it doesn't mean it's how they are. So, you know, just like you said, that works for them, doesn't work for us. That has to be said. And it is. It's challenging, right? Because, you know, Adam is used to showing up in that one way, and he might. He might be fully on board for that or maybe not. Like, and those are things that you have to discuss. As, you know, relationships happen. Like, with Chris and I being married, obviously, there were a lot of things that I just to discuss. Like, this might work for you guys, but it's not working for me. So where can we come to an agreement where you feel really good and I feel good. So there are times where. Because, you know, his family was like that, too. Every single weekend they would be together if we were in the. In the same place. And I was like, sometimes I just need a full weekend to ourselves. And it's like, you have to say what will still work, where you feel like you are doing your part and you feel good. And what happened is a lot of times he will go. He would go just off with his family, and even myself, I would be alone. And then other times, I'm like, hey, I really need this full weekend. So we created these different, like, win, win, win situations where it could still feel like he was fulfilling what he needed to fulfill. While I could, you know, have my boundaries.

I completely feel that. I feel like it's the same boat. And it's not because you don't love those people. And I feel like it's been helpful to me when I've communicated, like, hey, I just need to go to bed early or sit in my room or something. They don't care, like, as long as you. You tell them feelings. Really, I think it goes a lot. It's a lot easier when you just say it than you think it's going to be.

And the thing that keeps you in prison is like, because I did that a lot. It was actually one of the most challenging things ever in the world. Back to writing the book, quick. Because while I was writing my book, his parents were out here for they come out for, like, four months, and I just happened to be, like, in the craziest time of a deadline while one year while they. While I was writing, and they. I had to say no to so many family Things 3 or 4 times a week because I was like, I can't do it. And I just put myself in a prison because I kept thinking they were mad at me for it. When I don't think they were mad. Like, I kept on saying, like, oh, they're upset. They think I'm, like, a bad, selfish family member. And I had to keep on saying, I don't know if they think that or not, but I have to let it go because it was killing me. And looking back, I don't think they thought that. I think it was just, like. Because they'd say things like, wow, we really wish you could be there. And I'm like, God, I wish they'd stop rubbing it in my face. And what I realized is they weren't rubbing it in my face. They really did wish I could be there. And that should have felt great to me to have been that wanted. So reframe and be like, oh, they really wish I could be there. And you know what? I will be able to be here once I get this off of my. You know, once I get this dream out into the world or whatever that looks like. So it's interesting because a lot of the pressure we put on ourselves around those things is around us. And if they are feeling that way, fine, let them feel that way. Because it's just. It's just a period of time, right? It's just a moment in time where you have to take that space and get things done. So, okay, we could talk about this all day. Clearly. I could literally write another book on it. It could just be called Boundaries, like, and everyone would buy it. So maybe I will.

Thank you in advance anyhow.

Evans, what's the seedling of wisdom that you've reaped from boundaries?

Having boundaries from boundaries is just kind of. I think I'm learning to just not be so intense about it. That means maybe, like, I always am expecting people to have this huge reaction, and it's like, just relax. Like, it's gonna just kind of make your default setting be like, it's gonna work out. Because it usually does.

It usually does. And you know what? If people meet you and right away you're like, you know what? They're gonna meet Boundary Evan. Or I'm gonna start this thing, and this is who I'm gonna be People will accept that. I literally have people in my life who have such fierce boundaries that at first it can kind of piss you off. Like, wow, they really don't want to get to know me. And then I'm like, no, their life is probably full and they probably are super happy because they know what they can and can't do. And I'm over here spinning my wheels, feeling like a crazy duckling, not knowing what to do. Exactly. So respect them, mad. Respect everyone who doesn't want to do anything with me. All right?

Yeah, respect.

All right, you guys, until next time, let us know what you took away from this incredible, knowledgeable, wisdom filled podcast. Actually, I really do think it is, so I just like to really, you.

Know, I loved it. I had great fun, personally.

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Yeah.

Multiple way conversation. So, signing off.

Toodle.

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