588: Our Advice on Growing Together with Chris Harder

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I'm telling you, 15 years in life is way happier when you choose friends that you know your partner loves and likes and enjoys you being around. Because then you can go do whatever the hell you want and you don't get any resistance from it.

Welcome to the Earn your Happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week, I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you.

Bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business, and relationships.

We don't wait until we're ready for.

Someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me?

Here we go.

And we're back with another episode of He Said, she Said. What do you think, Chris? This is going to be a fun one.

Why?

Because we are going to talk about how in the hell we managed to make it 15 years.

Married, married, married, together. 18.

Married, 15. So, for those of you listening, we just celebrated our 15th anniversary, and honestly, the time's flown by. No relationship is perfect by any means, but damn, it's been fun and amazing overall. And we wanted to share how it is that we've made it through ups and downs and financial highs and financial lows and fights and wins and losses and deaths and goals and accomplishments and that entire roller coaster that everybody goes through their own version of that ride, of that roller coaster. We wanted to share a few really actionable and tangible reasons as to how in the heck we've managed to do it for 15 years and counting.

Yeah, you know, this is not going to be the episode where we go in on our backstory, but definitely when we say it's been so much fun and it's been so worth it. There have been some crazy challenges, and in the moment, you can't see. It's literally like, you know, you cannot see through how you're going to get to the end. There's just no light. But it's been so, so worth it. So, number one, I have put decide what flaws you can accept and accept them fully.

Ooh, like, accept them fully. You mean, like, once you've accepted it. Damn it, don't ever bring up that flaw again.

Pretty much, yeah.

People need to grasp this because they're kind of like, yeah, I can live with that. But they bring it up for years and years and years and years.

Exactly. This is kind of like. And it's actually not like it at all, but it is. It's like deciding what you have either forgiven or what you're good with, and you just fully, like, completely own it and. And know that you can't change them. So that's something really huge because you can't change people. And guess what? You have flaws too that that person also has to accept fully. So I know one for me, just for example, and it's so stupid, but it was like, you cannot put your clothes in the laundry basket to save your life. Like, it's, it's literally impossible until I ask you.

So weird.

And so in the beginning of the marriage, like we couldn't afford a housekeeper at all. So I would just literally just breathe through it and pick up all this stuff that was around the laundry basket. It just could never go in. And because I, I am like a psychotic cleaner, this drove me crazy. I took it personal. Like, like every single item of clothing on the floor was a personal attack. Like, you'd throw it down and be like, that stupid wench. Like, I just literally was like, he must not love me. Like, this must be how he doesn't love me. And, and that wasn't at all. Because you did so many incredible things all of the time for me. You were like husband of the year majority of the time. But then that was one of the big things for me that I was like, you know what? I've talked to him about this. This isn't changing. It's never going to change. What is something that we could do in order to make this better for me? Number one, I accepted it. Number two, when we started making better money, we got a cleaner and I literally don't notice anymore at all. We got an amazing housekeeper. And I'm like, oh, thank God this woman is saving my marriage.

I love that for you. I don't know what I would say. That is a flaw. I've accepted. You're perfect, babe. Okay, Number two, this is one that I think is really important and that is take it on a walk. Now really the metaphor here is Lori and I happen to walk every single day. It's a non negotiable. But when I say take it on a walk, it's really create the tradition, the daily tradition of having space where you remove yourself from your home, from the place where you normally do battle, and have this safe container to put out things when they're smoke, not when they are fire. Let me repeat this. Daily container to put out things when they're smoke, not when they've turned into a raging fire. Here's what happens in relationships. In the beginning, you're all in love and it's amazing and you work really hard on it. Then when you get the relationship into a really good spot, what do you do? You put it up on the shelf. Oh, look at that shiny relationship. Up there, it looks great. And then you turn your attention to building a really great business or a really great career or really great family, and you forget to take that relationship down off the shelf, and it gathers dust and it gets dirty and problems build up inside of it. Right. We avoid that by every single day taking the relationship off the shelf, so to speak, and polishing it. And we do that in this very safe container that we know. Even if I have a problem at 10:00am in the morning, I know later on I get to talk about it on the walk. And by the way, every walk is not like talking about problems. More than half the walks are dreaming. And there's the other half of the secret. Oh, couples that dream together, couples that know what the other one wants. Couples that know, like, what excites the other one right now are the couples that make it so take it on a walk. By the way, I want to tell everyone how I figured out how much we have walked since we've been married for 15 years. Are you ready for this walk if you take 15 years times 365 days a year? Because, guys, we have walked a minimum of three miles a day every single day of our life. And the days that we couldn't go for a walk, we have outweighed those days three to one. On days where we went six miles or nine miles or even 12 miles. Remember, we used to go 12 miles all the time?

Yeah.

Those are nine miles around those.

We would come up with so many ideas or business ideas or I. I wish that we could probably. Everything we've ever come up with has been on. Has been birthed on a walk.

So ready for this? Even if you just took three miles, which we've totally exceeded, times 365 days a year, times 15 years, you and I have walked over 16,425 miles together working out. Wow. 16,425 miles.

How far is it to the moon?

I have no idea.

I bet we've walked to the moon.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man. I don't know. I'm.

Google it.

Okay, you Google it.

All right, number three. Like, fully support. Decide. My number three is decide to support. And what does that look like? So what does this mean? You know, you're gonna have a lot of crazy ideas in your marriage, your partnership, your relationship. And what's gonna happen is you're gonna have to try it on, and you're gonna have to decide if you're gonna support it or not.

Try it on for size. This is the most important Thing, but.

Something that you cannot do is say, yeah, babe, I'm so excited for that idea that you're doing. I'm so excited for that thing. And then fully support and then one day decide that you think it's costing too much money. Or I'm not saying that. Maybe it's not. I'm saying have a conversation about it. But you can't just go cold and say this is stupid anyway, or why are we doing this? Or I don't want to support your stupid fantasy. Different things like that, which is when you get in the moment. Right. When you're upset, maybe if there isn't money for certain things because you are supporting a bigger vision, a long term vision, something for the future. You have to either go all in on what you guys are doing together and what you're dreaming about together, because it's no longer his dream or my dream, it's our dream. So if you're going to support that wild, crazy dream, you have to go all in. So go all in on the support if you agreed on it from the beginning. So I'm not saying they come to you and say, hey, I want to, you know, who knows what's a crazy dream? I have no idea. I want to.

How about you? I want to shut down my entire fitness subscription and I want to stop doing E courses. I want to walk away from almost $2 million a year in guaranteed income and I want to start an alcohol company. That's exactly it, right?

Yep.

Like, that's literally a great example of you. I had to be willing to try that on for size for sure. And what's the, the payoff? The payoff is you are crushing it right now and you are in your like, flow and you're amazing to be around. And I'd be missing out on all that if I didn't try that on for size.

Yeah. And with, with a potential of an insane future.

Yep.

I mean, I think it's going to be insanely amazing no matter what. Because of the growth and the people in the network that were, you know, in the. God, just all the things we're learning from it and the different ideas that are coming from it and the expansiveness of a big idea, meaning you get a big idea, guess what comes with it, other big ideas and other opportunities. And I already feel that. So yeah, I literally just feel that one to my core for people. Because a lot of you are on a growth trajectory along with your partners. And it's like if you agree from the beginning, you gotta go all the way to the end of that vision.

If you're expecting your partner to be the same person that you married 15 years ago ago, or five years ago or 25 years ago, whatever your. Your duration is.

Yeah.

Then you're going to have an expectation hangover, a letdown. Nobody's supposed to stay the same. The people doing it right are changing dynamically. And so you gotta be signed up to try those changes on for size. If it's not a fit, great. You can have a conversation about it later. But here's what happens. Here's why I think this one's so important, is because at least when I'm willing to try it on for size, or at least when you're willing to try it on for size, the other person doesn't feel rejected in their new dream or their new direction that they're excited about, Right?

Totally.

We try everything, emphasize if it's a bit great. If not, then at least we honored the other person.

Yep. 100%.

Okay.

That's the conversation. So number four is shorten the pain.

Yes.

Tell me about it.

Okay, I love this one. I figured out long ago that if I wasn't going anywhere, if I was committed to staying married, then why do I. Why would I drag out a fight, drag out bad feelings, drag out anger? I mean, you know, I know people that fight for a week, but they also know that they're not going anywhere. So then why the hell would you waste seven days of feeling crappy?

Yeah.

This one kills me. So if you're committed to staying in the marriage, if you're committed to staying in the relationship.

Yeah.

Then shorten the pain.

Yes. This is one of my favorites.

More in love with being happy than you are with being right.

Yeah, absolutely.

Like, why would you. And this doesn't mean you have to give up everything that you stand for. But why would you drag out bad feelings and anger when you don't feel good and. And your partner doesn't feel good when you know you're not going anywhere anyways?

Yeah. There's going to be a few views that you just can't agree on. Like, there have been times where you or I have said something to each other in the heat of the moment. Meaning, you know, maybe I'm really busy in the middle of a project, or you're really busy during the day, and we're short with each other, and the other person doesn't realize they're short, and one person's, like, deciding to take it really personal. Like, and the other person's like, I'm sorry. I don't think I was being short. I was just being focused on whatever that is. Now I see it all the time. People are like, no, admit you were being short. Like, you have to say this to me or whatever that is, like, really choosing these different, like, starting. Starting fights over people. And it's like, so here's what I'm saying. It's not that I don't want the apology from you, but if you actually don't think you were short with me, and I actually do think you were short with me, I'm probably going to let that one go. Because to me, I have to say, you know what? Is it true that he was in the middle of a project? Yes. Is it true that I know how he gets really focused in the middle of a project and also know that he doesn't like to be distracted? Even if I think it's important during the middle of a project, those things are all true. So with that said, I'm like, got it. I knew that already. He didn't think he was being short. And I might have thought it was rude, but it was actually just me interrupting his flow. And so I'm gonna let that go because it's not worth it to me to make up this to, like, make up a fight. Now, that might be a bad example, but those are examples that happen every single day around this house of little tiny choices that you're, like, not important at all. Like, I want to go on with the happiness. Let him finish what he was doing. Come back when you know he's going to give you his attention. So. Or when you have his attention, shorten.

The pain and pick the battles.

Absolutely.

Number five.

Number five, be highly aware of your environment and your influence.

This is so important on your relationship. Don't pick shitty friends that you know your significant other hates you being around. It's not worth it. I'm sorry. It's just not. Like, why would you want your significant other to hate when you go out with so and so or when you hang around so and so? Especially if every time you come back from so and so, you. You're a little, slightly different person. Right. Maybe they have an impact on you or an influence on you. I'm telling you, 15 years in life is way happier when you choose friends that you know your partner loves and likes and enjoys you being around, because then you can go do whatever the hell you want and you don't get any resistance from it.

So just to clarify, because you didn't clarify though on the the person. It's not like I'm just picking a friend because I don't like them. Right. Or you're picking my friend because you don't like them. It's because maybe they're not to the.

Feedback that I don't like this person either triggers me or I don't like you being around this person or things.

Like that because they don't feel trustworthy or whatever that is. You're not just picking. Yeah, exactly. You're not just picking a person. It's like, okay, every time you go with this person, you, you're out till four in the morning, which you're not ever. But just using that as an example because I know that happens with people like, you know, it's just the expectation hangover of I've had friends who in the past were like, you know, they go with this person and they're out until 4 in the morning. They don't call me.

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Okay, well that's going to be a problem in your marriage if your partner is choosing this person and choosing to ignore what your you feel your needs are.

Here's another rendition of this of pick good friends or don't choose shitty friends that your partner doesn't like. As a couple being around other couples that behave the way you want to behave or that view marriage the way you want to view marriage or that see relationships the way you want to see relationships. Don't hang around other couples that are going to cause a fight every single night because they can't help but fighting.

Yeah, we just, we've had that in.

The past that do this and it's ridiculous.

We've stopped hanging around those people. We won't even. We've got. We've gone to a couple dinners.

I don't like the way he talks to her or whatever.

I was like, that's, that's that I cannot be with someone who doesn't respect their partner. Cannot do it because that's just. It wears off. You and I are. It's strong like we are so strong. But you're around that enough, it wears off or it's just wearing on you. It's. It's not on the up and up. And honestly, if you want to be, you know, a lot of you listening to this want to be a successful couple or a power couple or an entrepreneurial couple, man, you got to hang around people who. Who are big dreamers as well. Because what's going to happen is you're going to have these big dreams. You're not going to feel safe to tell them, and you're going to start downgrading because it's not going to feel possible. You're going to start downgrading your dreams. You're going to start settling for things that you don't want to settle for. So it's not that you can't see those people. They. There are people who play certain roles in your.

Rare.

Lots of people that pray Rosa in your life. And, you know, sometimes you have your friendships that are your adventure friends. You're gonna, like, always go hiking with them and, like, have the best time, and they're gonna show you the world in a way that you don't see. So there is definitely different genres, right? And then you have your business friends, and then you have, you know, those are the people that just, like, light you both up. You love to talk about business with these couples. Then maybe you just have your really wise friends that just really look at the world in a certain way and really help you out with different problems or marital problems or whatever that looks like. So they definitely play roles. I'm not saying everyone has to be a freaking go getter, but everybody has to give you energy or benefit you, and you have to benefit them as well. So make sure you do that. And one last one, One last one. This is just a bonus one. This is just pause, pause to choose your battles. Kind of like what we were talking about with shorten the pain. Just give yourself that pause. I can't tell you how much the pause has saved so many things for both of us. You can't take your words back. Those are remembered, those are felt. Sometimes you get in those fights where you're just like, oh, was that the. Was that the one that just really could put us over the edge? And it's not that you're not going to have those, but they kind of need to get few and far between into a place where they become very, very few. Right. Because you cannot take those back. Those. Those last a very, very long time, if not forever. So Take a pause, take a breath so that you can choose your words and get to the end and commit to that success together.

Well, that's it. Our six tips to how in the heck we managed to stay happily married for 15 years.

We better use these.

Happy anniversary, babe. I love you.

Happy anniversary.

Okay, everyone, thank you so much for listening. Let us know what you loved about this podcast.

I want to hear the six that you needed the most. DM us.

Yeah, she. Or shoot us a story. I like to see it on stories. So I like you to tag us on stories and share your biggest takeaway. That would be awesome.

Thanks for listening.

Okay, you guys, until next time. Bye. Bye.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, Tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye Bye.