593. Q+A: Transitions

People grow apart, and we're meant to follow our own path. And I think when we try to force that, it just turns into a disaster, and that's what gets everybody in trouble.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business, and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me?

Here we go, Evans. Welcome back to questionably awesome, where we co host this incredible show together, answer audience questions, and sometimes we even talk a little bit about wisdom outside of making each other laugh.

Yeah, we do. It's the wisest show on Apple podcasts. So congratulations for signing up.

Congratulations, guys. And I feel like we have a small delay on here, but probably not enough for you guys to notice. Just enough for me to notice that when I make a joke, there's, like, a gap in between her laughing at me. So I'm like, oh, that did not go over well with her at all. And then there's a laugh, and I feel relieved, like, evan, please laugh. I'll send you money to do it. Okay. How have you been? You are in a place that looks a lot like where the Golden Girls filmed. And I love that because my actual fantasy is to, like, obviously have my husband around, but maybe have, like, a girl's pad when I'm old where, you know, we can start calling each other Blanche. And what are the other names? Rose.

When there's one more, what's the other one? Blanche. Rose.

Oh, I feel bad. She's the really tall one.

Who.

What's her name? It's so funny because she was a really important character, but I'm not sure if she was ever anybody's favorite.

Yeah, but she was still important.

She was very important. She really held up the other characters. So, okay, what are you doing there? You just hanging out? You're in what area? Tell the people.

We are in right outside of Charleston, there's this amazing beach called Kiowa, and everyone should go there. It's like heaven on earth. And we're here just for a couple days, having a little getaway to Ourselves.

Hey, how is married life been? Because this is pretty new.

It's actually really cool. I really like being married. I kind of love it.

Isn't that amazing? I'm so glad to hear that. Well, you. I feel like you definitely are one of those people who has done a lot of just, like, self work, and you've had therapists and you've done things that, you know, there's a lot of tools to, like, navigate relationships. So how has that been? Like, what are some tools that you have found that you really use to kind of work through some maybe potentially things that could have derailed you or sidetracked you or caused problems in the past? Ooh.

Mine is speaking up as one, because if I harbor things or hold them in for a while and I'll start to make up stories in my head about, like, what Adam is thinking or something like that. And really, he doesn't know what I'm upset about. So if you don't say anything, your partner has no idea why you're upset. You can't just expect them to read your mind.

Yes. Oh, my gosh. And I think that. I think sometimes as females, we can think that, you know, and I do think men pick up on things, obviously in energy, and they're intuitive and things like that, but I do think that we are a little more intuitive, and we almost expect them to know how we feel. Or, like, you should just know or you should just tell. I'm acting different. And to be honest with you, after being with Chris, now married 15 years, together 18 years, like, he really doesn't know. Sometimes he's really just, like. Sometimes they're so in their own head or they're just like, he's really not that observant. Like, I can honestly sometimes. And it's so great because I actually use it in my favor. Like, if I'm having a really, like, munchy day where I just want to, like, eat everything in the house, like, I will. He'll be in the living room, and I'll be in the kitchen for the 40th time, like, getting something from the fridge. And he, like, never notices. And I'm like, oh, I've been snacking all day. He's like, you have? No, you haven't. You've been great. And I'm like, no, I've gone to the fridge 40 times and eaten things in front of you, and I haven't even bothered to, like, recommend sharing with you or offer things to you. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, if it was me, I'd be like, hey, what are you getting? What are you getting? Why are you at the fridge again? And him, he's like, I didn't even know that you walked in this room 20 times. So are you oblivious? But it makes me realize that, like, he's pretty oblivious sometimes, and he knows it. Like, we talk about it, he'll be at the fridge, let me know if this is Adam, too. And he'll be like, yelling like, where's the ketchup? Or where's the almond milk? And I'm like, it's literally right in front of you. And he's like, no, it's not. And I'm like, you're going to give me a hundred bucks when I go in there and point it out right in front of you. So I've decided, like, if I'm going to do something that I want to hide, I have to do it right in front of him. And it'll be completely out of his perception. So you just.

Secrets of marriage.

I don't know if I've shared this before, but I think I would make so much money off of it. I have an invention for, like, when men are trying to find things because they can't ever find. Like, this is just my experience. So if you're a man and you're listening to this and you're like, no, this is not true. This has just been my experience with all of the different men that I've been with. Makes me sound like I. Men all over the world or something. But. Which would be cool? Which would be so interesting and cool.

But I have dated people and lived.

With, you know, my dad and my brother. So I want to come up with this invention where there are these little, like, you know, 3D, like, stickers like, that you put on things, but they're boobs. Because they'll be like, where's the ketchup? I'll be like, look for the boobs. And they're like, oh, there it is. And it's. It's a sticker. Because they're very highly aware when those are around. I found they're very visual.

Visual learners.

Visual. So I figure, like, all the things that they constantly ask for, like, and then you could also start tricking them and, like, putting them on the vacuum and stuff. And the hamper. Cause they can all be. The hamper would be huge. Yes. That would be amazing. I don't know about you, but the clothes are everywhere but in the hamper. So I think that every single time. So, anyway, that's my invention and my thoughts on that. Do you have a quote?

I do. It's from Mr. Rogers.

Oh, bring that.

He says transitions are almost always signs of growth, but they can bring feelings of loss. To get somewhere new, we may have to leave somewhere else behind.

Question. Did you get that quote before you saw the questions were on transition, or did you do that simultaneously?

I did it after I saw what the questions were.

So I cheated.

Okay.

I was literally like, oh, there's something universally aligned there. Something's going on. Something's up with transitions, but something is up with transitions. We know that. Yes. So mine is from Mark Twain. Mark Twain says, all you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, then success is. Sure. I'm super, super ignorant to a lot of things, so. Meaning, like, I just am so naive about certain things, and I think that is a superpower. When you are going into big visions, I don't think that you should be able to factor every problem or thing that can go wrong in the beginning of the path. I think you got to go in excited and a bit blind to everything so that you don't get overwhelmed. So I think ignorance on fire is sometimes a really great business strategy. And confidence is huge, too. Just being like, even if. Here's the thing, I don't think confidence. I don't think confidence comes naturally, and I don't think you're ever born with it. I think confidence is chosen, and it's a belief that you have to. So if you're not confident right now, which there are many days, I'm not confident, but right now I'm just like, well, I know that action creates confidence and action trumps anxiety. So. So what is something I could do right now to be super, like, take action. So I love this quote. There it is.

That was awesome. I love that so much. And one of the things I admire most about you is when you set to do something new, you just go for it. You just put yourself out there and you know that there are probably going to be things that go wrong or mistakes that are made, but you're like, I'm going to do it. You have nothing to lose. Why not give it a shot? That's huge. Not everyone's like that.

Thank you so much. And that's that ignorance part. So I say focus on that. You know, Nailed it. Thank you for that. Yeah, I won't deflect that compliment. I will take all of that with me because I need it right now.

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Do you got any news? Oh, wait. We need a review.

Yes. Okay, the review is from D. Dani P. And they say I literally listen every day. I was so apprehensive to make moves I needed to make to work towards making my dream job a reality. After consistently listening to your podcast, I've signed up for aesthetic school so I can build a business that is going to bring me joy. And thank you so much for being a positive influence on my morning drives to work.

Whoa. That is so huge, Evans. We're literally impacting people to go and do things in the world. Kind of all I've ever wanted to do. Danny or Day Day make day maker. That should be the new nickname. Danny P. Daymaker.

Daymaker.

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Do you want a question about transitions?

DP DM. Yeah. Yes, I would love one. Let's go to town.

Okay, here we go. The first one, actually. This is really funny. It's about marriage. It's from Mandabarkley and she said, just got married.

Seriously, today.

Evans and Lori, what is your best marriage? Wedding day.

She gets. She's going to get a good answer. Let's help.

Congratulations, Amanda, on your marriage.

Hopefully a great night last night. Yeah, they did.

Yeah.

Unless. Unless it was like, my wedding night and you're like, good night. I'm out of here. Too much.

Bye.

Don't touch me.

Bye. Bye. Just one of Starfish in the cold blood.

You already bought the farm. Too bad. Game over.

That's what you need to know about marriage. No, I mean, you've been married longer. I feel like I'm just. I'm a newbie at this.

You're doing great. Looks from the outside, looking in. Looks great to me. So, all right, what's her question? Did she ask what. Oh, yeah.

She wanted to know what the. What's your best marriage advice?

Oh. Oh. Talk about everything. Like you just said, when you harbor things, you know, same with me. Like, do not talk about just about everything. Chris and I just did a podcast. There's some stuff you can't change about people. And it's like, I think that, like, there are. When I say change, like, if it's big things that are affecting your relationship, those need to be talked about. If it's something like he's not getting the clothes in the hamper, he never has his entire life, that might be something that you literally just say, you know what? There's a lot of great things about this human. I'm gonna let this one go, and when I can afford it, or right now, I'm gonna hire a cleaning person. And this will never be a problem ever again for me because I won't take it personal that he's throwing his T shirt on the side of the hamper and thinking it's about me. Like, those are things that you have to do in marriage is go. We start to take things personal, don't you think? Like, I used to be like, he must not love me because he can't do a simple thing that I'm asking him, like getting the clothes in the hamper. I'm just using this because it was a real thing for me. And those aren't personal things. Those are literally things he's not he's just not thinking about, doesn't realize it affects you. And that was something that I was like, I'm gonna have to just accept that there's a couple things about him that he just doesn't feel are important, even though they're important to me. Even after conversation and I had to weigh out like, okay, this may never change. Can I fully accept this? Because this guy has got these 80% mind blowing incredible qualities that I just, to me, these are non negotiable deal breakers. Like, this is what I desire. Can I put up with this one, this one, and this one? So I think that's the best marriage advice, is you have those two. Trust me. Like, I know there's things about me that he doesn't ever say that probably drive him absolutely nuts that he's just learned to accept. You know, there are certain things, like, I know that the fact that I need to be more routine literally drives him crazy, but he's accepted that and he honors it for me for the most part. So I think the best marriage advice I can give is like, really decide what, what of those flaws are acceptable to you and then talk about everything else that comes up that you could harbor, like you had said, or hold against them. Like if there's something that you're kind of holding against them that's just gonna fester and grow. So it needs to have like a really loving conversation. And I think the other thing I would just say around that, because you will have to have all these conversations, is learn how to have a good conversation around it. Meaning you can't come to someone and go, we have to talk. Or this is like talking to them in the middle of their business day or talking to them after a really hard day at work. You have to say, hey, can you let me know when a good time to chat would be? There's a few things that I want to discuss. Nothing big that just I want to make sure, you know, don't go untalked about, let me know when a good time is for you. Because there's so many not good times that they're gonna throw up that wall or whatever that looks like and just be like, hey, just like, in a really loving, non, you're in trouble type of way.

100%.

What do you find so far that.

Reminded me of Esther Perel's TED Talk relationships and how it is true, especially in quarantine, when you're around that person 24 7, you kind of assign them all these roles in your life. Like they're my friend. They're my adventure buddy. They're my partner. We're supposed to have a sexual relationship, too. And it's just like, all these things and that person. Did I just say sexual relationship?

I felt very like 8th grade sex education class. Yep.

Thought I could provide that. No, but it's true. Like, your partner can't be 8 trillion things for you. Just like you can't be 8 trillion things for them. And I. I'm very guilty of, like, setting all the expectations and expecting Adam to do all these things. That's not fair. No one can do that. So I'm just learning to step back from that.

So if you can literally just expect Adam to be your hot lover and nothing else, you're doing good.

That's it. That's the role I've assigned him, is my hot lover. And it's worked out very well. She's going to be like, what, you guys have kissed?

No, mom. He's strictly been assigned best friend. So we're good.

Look how red I'm turning. I'm dying.

That's why I love this podcast.

Anyway.

Anyway, I love that you pointed that out. That is one of the biggest things that. It's huge, the fact that we hold our partners to be these million things for us. And there's so many things now that I've learned. Like, I have to take Chris out of the running for me, needing to think he's going to be with me on that trajectory of analyzing shit half to death. He just doesn't want to. Like, and if I am, I'm like, look, you don't have to say anything. I just need to go back and forth on this 75 times out loud. You don't. Like, I don't. You don't have to do your input. You can actually zone out and look at Instagram while I do this. So you know what I mean? Like, he's just not.

That is so true. I'll go off on things, and Adam will be like, why are we still talking about this?

Oh, million percent. And I'm like, what do you mean? I'm not even halfway through this. Like, this. I'm not even halfway through this process right now. Like, there's going to be at least 62 more conversations about it from another angle. Like, especially if you put me in a new spot, like, if we go to a new restaurant, there's, like, whole new angles that are going to be put on this conversation. Not to mention if you give me a glass of wine, then that's a whole other world.

Yeah, it'll take. It'll take months to go through everything. And I feel like a lot of men just aren't like that.

Oh, no. They're kind of like. But I thought you told me yesterday you thought this. I was like, that was yesterday. That was pms. Like, I'm a different woman today. And here's the perspective I'm focusing on. Yeah, it's just he's not gonna be that for me, and I've learned that. And it's so much better because I used to be like, I want to be this and that, and he doesn't want to do this or analyze that. I'm like, go find a friend who does. And then you're good. So. And now that's you. So great.

Thanks.

I love it.

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Do you want another question?

Okay, let's do it.

Okay. It's from McNick Nack Pattywhack. Oh my gosh, what a great handle.

Knickknack, Paddy whack. Oh my God. Definitely feeling boring right now after hearing that.

Me too. They want to know, do I have to leave behind those who don't want wish to transition with me?

Oh, yeah. Just kidding.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. Next question. You know, you don't have to leave them behind. You have to know where you personally are putting them in your life. Like, you have to, you have to make peace with the fact that they might be in a new category of when you see them. You won't be talking about maybe the things that you're interested in talking about. So when you transition, a lot of times what happens is, let's just say even, even when I was really transitioning into like becoming the person I knew I wanted to be and an entrepreneur and like just being interested in other things other than kind of, you know, I don't know, other than the things that the people who I used to hang out with were interested in, which was more, if I'm being really honest, it was more just like hanging out, being mindless, drinking a lot, eating a lot of food, hanging out, watching, you know, like football and stuff, which is also fun. And there's a place for that in my life. So now I know that if I'm gonna see those people, I would hold it to that and be like, okay, these are the people that I go and I, you know, when I have drinks with and I'm not gonna hold them to a standard of needing a deep conversation or Supporting me in my new business or even asking about it. Like I used to get all bent out of shape. Cause I was like, wow, I feel like they're so selfish. They don't ask about this or that and it'. Yeah, because they're not interested in that. They're the people you're gonna have, you know, you're just gonna have some cocktails with. You're gonna talk about football, you're gonna talk more about the simple things and just like you're gonna be really present and just kind of enjoy that. And that wasn't feeding me all the time. So it became meaning. It wasn't filling my soul when I left that. So what would happen is I think you naturally tend to. To kind of walk away from that a little bit more and see them less. So yes, there is a bit of now there is that that I have. They are no longer really in my life because that doesn't serve me in a way that feels good anymore. And that was a tough transition because they feel it or they think you are trying to be better than them or that you're not interested or whatever that looks like. But it's a slower transition. But I do still know where some people in my life, I'm like, okay, that's what that is. That's what they're serving. Just like you said with your partner, they're going to serve. I'm going to a football game or I'm going to a concert, or I'm going out and we're going to have cocktails. And that kind of becomes less and less for me with those people. But you have to know what position that serves. What about you? What do you think?

Yes, I agree with that point. I think that people play different roles in your life and that's okay. And I don't think it has to be a dramatic thing unless the person you need to transition out of your life is harming you in some way and it's like a harmful, toxic thing, then yeah, I would leave that relationship. But people play different roles in your life, I think. And in my personal experience, there are like a handful of people that are just steady in my life and I'm good with that. Like, I don't have the expectation that I'm going to have 500 really close friends for the rest of my life. That just doesn't make sense.

Yeah, totally. Million percent. And I think that you just. It's the making peace with that part because a lot of people don't want to leave people behind because they feel bad about it. Except when you keep people past their expiration date, meaning that person was probably just like that poem that everybody knows. Like, some people are meant to be in your life for a moment. Others are left to be in your life for a lifetime. We try to keep those moments, I think, especially. Well, I grew up in the Midwest, and it's kind of like you feel like you have to keep everyone in your life from your past or you're just not a nice person. And that does not work well, especially if it's just match and you're trying to carry these people and they're getting upset with you. Like, people grow apart and we're meant to follow our own path. And I think when we try to force that, it just turns into a disaster. And that's what gets everybody in trouble.

Hundred percent.

Oh, I just heard them.

Oh, yeah. Like. Like hundreds are flying over right now. So cool. Lots of geese.

Poop.

All right, Evans. Well, I think that we just really gave some solid advice today.

Me too. It felt it really hit hard, you know, it really hit hard, like it does every time.

Solved a lot. Lots of problems together, which it's why we have to keep on turning down all of these, like, TV shows and talk shows and book deals. I mean, book deals. It's crazy. It's getting crazy. It's getting crazy.

All the things I'm turning down. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

Me either. This no muscle is being used, so that's great. All that money has been tough to turn down, but I'm just like, I gotta keep this show the way that I want it, you know? Stay true.

Stay true to yourself. Yep.

So there's that and any last wisdom that you got.

Oh, I was actually thinking about this today. And my wisdom for today that I'm trying to practice myself is do your research.

Do your research.

Don't take what everyone says to be true. You gotta just do your research on everything, whether it's a job or a boyfriend or election. Just do what's best for you.

Do your research. That couldn't be a better thing for right now because just you can literally change the channel and get a completely different perspective on the same exact thing. And you're like, what? What is going on right now? So that is just really powerful advice, actually, for everything. Like you said, a job, an employee. Holy crap. Do your research. It's easy to skip over it, but it will save you so much heartache, trouble, worry in the long run. So that is amazing advice. You guys make sure that you tag Evans and I let us know what your biggest takeaway was. We want to know how we have changed your life in some way for the worse or for the better. I personally love the comments that are like, I'll never get that time back. I'm like, but you stayed, you know, but you stuck it out, so there was something there. You loved to hate it. So come on back. You feel like it? Yeah.

There's a seat for you.

There's something at the table. We just. We don't want to look at you. But anyway, I think until next time, we're just going to have them earn. Earn their happy and be questionably awesome. What do you think?

I think that's great. Lori and I love it.

All right, everyone.

Bye bye.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye bye.