6 Tips to FIGHT NICE with Your Partner (These Work with ANY Relationship)

In our relationship in the first, like, God, probably even five years. You know, I'd wait all week long for Chris to be home from work and us to be able to do something, and it'd be this perfectly normal Saturday, and somehow I would kind of notice. Maybe I would sabotage it or want to start a little fight or bicker longer. And I'm like, oh, my God, why am I doing this? Like, what's the whole point? And we're back with another episode of He Said, she Said.

So we're talking about arguing today.

Let's get on a fight. Let's get in a fight. Let's not.

We actually have on podcasts in the past, it's rare. I mean, it's rare that we argue. It's rare that we fight, but we've actually been, like, gotten on arguments in podcasts. I've had people dm like, oh, you guys are spicy on that one.

Then we were like, yeah, you didn't even hear when we stopped recording.

So.

Or.

Or right before we recorded. How many times are we in, like, an argument before we hit record? And we're like, and we're back, you guys.

The first year we did this podcast together, I'm pretty sure all the time we were like, fuck this. I don't want to do this story, stupid podcast with you anymore. So true. Now we're good. Like, for the most part, I would say 90% of the time now we're really good. And I do believe it's because we really, really have been sticking to our rules of engagement, which we're going to talk to you about in just a minute.

Absolutely. Before that, though, we usually kick it off the glossy tip. We're going to change that today. What's your mastermind tip? And here's why I'm asking. We reached a really important milestone. We reached a milestone where we're over 3/4 full, and we now have more official offers made out to individuals that I interviewed than we have spots available. But not everyone takes it, right? So even though we've reached that point where we have as many offers out as we do spots available, not everyone says yes to their offer. So there's going to be a handful of spots left if people are, like, ready to apply right now.

Okay. So my mastermind tip is, whether it's this mastermind or another room that you go in, the importance of getting around people with high expectations for themselves and for the friendships and relationships that they're in will make you rise to meet those expectations. And there's actual Science on this. I was reading it in my mind. Magic book that I'm reading right now about how you will rise to the expectations of others. So if you are not hanging out with people who have high expectations on themselves, there is no reason for you to have to show up differently at all.

We had four people join this week, three individuals and one couple. And this was interesting. All four of them made the statement without knowing that each other made it. You know, they used different words. But basically the statement was, I'm kind of joining because I know that there's a whole bunch of stuff that I don't know. You know the old adage, I don't know what I don't know. And they're like, and I'm hoping that there's other people that'll kind of share with me what I don't know. And it's true. In life, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is think, okay, I got to figure it out. I. I know enough. I know everything I need to know. And that's not true, because then you're missing out on radical new ideas or radical new resource or revenue verticals. You're missing out on radical new perspectives on how to solve a challenge that you may not even know you have. Heck, I talked to somebody who joined. They didn't even know that they had a challenge in their cost of shipping. And I was like, wait, you pay? What? They're like, yeah. I'm like, oh, no, no, this is really wrong. And then I reached out to a couple friends. I'm like, hey, this is what these folks are paying. What should they be paying, Babe, they should be paying a quarter for their shipping than what they. And so they were so excited, right? So sometimes you don't even know that you have a problem. So anyhow, if you guys want to join, it's getting down to that time where, like, you got to act now. You got to hustle. This is for anyone with a business over $500,000 a year in sales and earnings. Then you're eligible to apply. Most are seven and eight figure type of companies in there. You can apply by hitting pause right now and going to Chrisharder Me Mastermind. That is Chrisharder Me. Chrisharder Me Mastermind. Fill out the app. I'll send you a Zoom link after reviewing the apps to make sure they're eligible. And we'll jump on Zoom to make sure it's a good fit for one of the last spots that are available here. All right, so back to what we're going to talk about today that is, like, fair, rules of engagement, how to fight. Nice. And we got into this conversation like, hey, this would be a cool one to share because we went to dinner last night with another couple that we didn't go. Haven't been to dinner with before. Super cool couple. And we got on a topic. They're a little bit younger than us. So, like, you know, hey, why do you think you've made it 20 years and all this stuff? Like, we just kind of know how to fight at this point. And we're going through these different tips, like, oh, these would be good for the podcast. And so hence, here we are today. Let's teach them how to fight, babe.

Okay, so you're going to need to pick a fight later today and see if these work.

Okay, so rules of engagement, right?

One of the things that we do, this is the one that's kind of, like, been really tried and true for us, that we use all of the time is really one to ten, important scale.

So if you learned this from Robin Kim.

Yes, Robin Kim Murgatroyd. So if you are in the middle of a fight, let's say I'm going to use something super basic for this, you guys. Chris and I have moved a lot. We've had a lot of different homes. And for me, like, the. The arrangement of the furniture, the decor, all of that stuff is. Is very important to me. I actually, like, it sounds crazy, but I feel the energy of stuff in a room. Like, if it's in the wrong spot, I feel it. And it will drive me crazy. It will distract me, like, dysfunct. It's crazy. So sometimes Chris will come and be like, no, I don't like that there. I like this chair here. And I'm like, okay, so on a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this to you? Because for me, it's a nine. Like, what does this feel like for you? Because in my body, this drives me insane. I'm not going to be able to handle it.

And let me, like, jump in here real quick. She's saying we'll literally pause and be like, when things are starting to get heated, not actually like, okay, listen, on a scale of 1 to 10, where does this issue fall for you? Because it's a nine for me. And in the case of the furniture, and usually it's not like, I don't want it there. It's usually like, I want this set of chairs. These are awesome. You know what I mean? And you're like, no, those are not going to look good or they're not going to fit or whatever. And so you'll be like it's a nine. I'm like, eh, it's like a six or it's like a seven. And then that's when you quickly realize why drag that thing out? It's more important to the other person.

But if you're going to do this, you absolutely have to be completely honest about where you're at. And if you're constantly a 9 or a 10, you might actually want to start talking about why you're always in that state. Like that brings up a really interesting point about you might need to potentially start coming to their side a little bit more and knowing that not everything is of the utmost importance and deciding what actually means the most to you or you're never going to be able to be in a great relationship because it's starting to show that you have no give. Like you're not willing meet them halfway.

Yeah, and here's another one. It's not a rule of engagement, but it's kind of like a great tip if you really care about having a great life with a partner. By the way, these apply for romantic partnerships or business partnerships and it's this one. I'd rather be happy more often than I care to be right? Right. So in a world you can't always be happy and always be right. Sometimes one has to take precedence over the other and so choose wisely. I'd rather be happy more often, then I have to be right more often.

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Yes. Okay, so the next one is just exactly what you had mentioned earlier and it's truly a pause button. If you are in a a business argument with a partner and something arises and it really pissed you off. Please for the love of God. This also is every relationship. Take a pause and do not take any actions or verbal actions or emails or any arguing until you let the highest height of the emotion wash through you. This usually takes it can be as quick as five minutes. I recommend a day for business things I recommend obviously faster for if it's in your household, but give yourself minimum five minutes to allow that actual chemical emotion to settle in your body.

Yeah, so I call this timing. You know, you call it the pause button. I call it timing. That's. Timing is everything. And there's a time and a place for everything. And there's two sides of timing. This is important to know. Laurie just mentioned the first side of timing. That is don't address something when you are going to over address it because you are boiling over. But the other part of timing is know when to have a talk with the other person. Know when is a good time that they're going to be open to receiving it. Know when it's been the right amount of time to maybe have them receive it in a way that won't be such a hot button. Give other people a chance to cool down too, not just yourself. So timing is everything.

Okay, the next one that we always do this is like when we are in a fight and we can't see the end. Maybe the shit we just said just is like not working right because you're just like boiling. And in the middle of one of those fights, one of us will hopefully, it seems like this always happens, will say, hey, same team. Like, let's not forget that if our goal, like once in a while we'll literally ask, we'll be like, hey, our goal is never to be apart. Like, we never want a divorce. Is this accurate? Like, are these true things that we never want to be a part, we always want to stay together. Then why are we dragging out this argument to literally be ruining a perfectly decent Saturday or Sunday? You guys, sometimes it's so crazy if you've been someone who's been front a chaotic background or you know, a family life where your parents always argued. I noticed in our relationship in the first like, God, probably even five years, I really noticed that sometimes I would even sabotage. It'd be like a finally, you know, I'd wait all week long for Chris to be home from work and us to be able to do something and it'd be this perfectly normal Saturday. And somehow I would kind of notice. Maybe I would sabotage it or want to start a little fight or bicker longer and I'm like, oh my God, my body is so tuned to chaos that I actually just like would start something. And it was the realization of that, of, do we even like, why am I doing this? And if we're on the same team, this is the perfectly amazing Wednesday or Sunday, whatever, and really think about, I could be choosing an awesome day if I just choose how to get through this or let it go or realize it's not that important or really look at why am I doing this? Like, what's the whole point?

This one's simple. It goes back to what I said earlier. Is it more important to be right or is it more important to be happy? And when you acknowledge, we told this couple last night, here's the cool part about being married, like, once you're in it, in it, like you, you know, you're not going anywhere. If you know you're not going anywhere, then you're just making your own life miserable by choosing to be right instead of choosing to be happy. So, like, just squash that shit.

Okay, the next one is a great question to ask. This can actually go with the scale of 1 to 10. And it's just to ask, what's making this feel so important to you? So instead of criticism, get curious. What's making this feel so important to you? And what's the outcome you're hoping for here? And when you can actually hear that, you can much better understand how it's impacting their whole life. Like, you might just think it's them being stubborn when really it's like, I don't know how to tell you that when I sit down to work, I can't focus because this is how this actually feels in my body. So really getting curious about it.

And then we got to talk about ownership statements. And this is, gosh, I forgot what I said before when we were blanket statements, blanket statement. Yeah. So ownership statements versus blanket statements. And here's the difference. A blanket statement is like, you always do this. I always like using the word. Always is a really dangerous world or word. Right. Ownership statements is saying things like, I feel hurt when this happens. Not saying, this always happens when. But saying, hey, I feel hurt when this happens. You're not trying to quantify how many times it happens, but instead just saying, this is how it makes me feel when this happens. You always do this to me.

A really easy way to look at this when you're fighting is how many times do you say you. How many times do you start a sentence with you?

Oh, yeah, instead of I.

Instead of I. All right, the last one that you can try, and this is a really good one for really trying to get in there and understand what is going on in their brain is the five minute rule. This one.

This is good.

Is hard, you guys, but it will change your life. When you are arguing, if It's a big topic to too. Like, this is why I, you know, want to move to California or quit.

My job or whatever.

Yeah, quit my job. You give each other each five minutes uninterrupted, and you don't sit there thinking about, oh, this is what I'm going to say to this sentence that she just said. This is what I'm going to say to this thing they just said. It's five minutes of opening your heart, not thinking of what you're going to say next. You have to promise you're not thinking of how you're going to rebuild, muddle everything they're saying. You step in their shoes and you try to really understand what they're saying and listen. And then you give the next five minutes. Obviously, you can go back and forth and back and forth for set amounts of time until you start to feel like there's a bit of a resolution. And you really should. This really should help if you do this enough rounds to be able to then get a sense of where you're at.

Yeah, they don't. They don't have to be right, but they have to be heard. And that's what this five minute rule really helps to provide. Sometimes people just want to be heard. They don't want to be right necessarily. They want you to know what's on their mind. And that's the source of the argument. This is one of the best things you can do. It's hard, but you set that timer five minutes uninterrupted and it gives a person a safe space. So now they're not coming at you with all guns blazing. Okay, how can I use this five minutes wisely? And you're going to find they explain things more calmly. Love it.

All right, we're so grateful for you guys. Thank you for always tuning in. We have gotten to just like, talk to so many of you, either in person or DMs or at our events. And it's so much fun to know exactly who we're talking to. So I hope that this really helps you guys and I also hope that we get to see you in the mastermind this next year.

Lead Mastermind almost filled up. Go to Chrisharter. Me Forward slash Mastermind. Get your application in. All right, guys, thanks a lot.

We will see you next week.

Bye, everyone.

It.