601. Q+A: Trust

You need to say what you need in order for you to get what you need or come to a compromise. And if that person's not willing to do that, then it may not be the right person for you.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business, and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me?

Here we go, Evans.

Hi, Lori.

Welcome back to another episode of our podcast together called Questionably awesome, where we answer questions from the good folks who listen.

It's so fun to hear questions from around the world.

Around the world. Maybe we'll get one from Egypt today or China. I want to see most likely from Green Bay, Wisconsin. So the good old Midwest. And I like that too, because you know what? That's my people. So here we go. Well, you're wearing a bathrobe right now. This is very unusual for me to see.

Yes. I thought you deserved to see this glorious. We're in a hotel and it had this fluffy robe, and I was like, you know what? I am gonna wear this on the podcast.

Yeah. So fancy. Do you check for bathrobes when you're. And a glass of wine? Is that just a white wine or is that an actual, like, Sauvignon Blanc? Or is that a Zinfandel, or is that a Chardonnay?

I think it's a Pinot Grigio. I'm very. I feel very suburban today.

Oh, I like that. When I lived in the suburbs, I did drink a lot of Pinot Grigio. I also drank a lot of Chardonnay. Then I moved to the city and I was more like, do you have any Sauvignon Blanc? What else did I start drinking? I don't know.

Did you ever drink vodka cranberries? I thought I was very sophisticated when I had that.

Do you know where I'm from that's, like, all we drank. I was like, ooh, vodka, cranberries. Very adult drink. Little did I know, it's literally like the underage drink of all drinks. One of them.

I think that's what I thought through.

Anything you mix with juice, it's like we went from our sippy cup to just adding vodka to it.

Exactly. In retrospect, I would have chosen like, vodka and Pedialyte.

Oh, why didn't we do that?

You would hydrate while you dehydrate.

Oh, my God. There's so many things like that that I did not think about that. If I could just. You know when people tell me, like, what is one thing you wish you could go back in time and tell yourself it would be stop mixing your mixers with dehydrating things and add Pedialyte. When I get interviewed next time and someone asks me that, that's gonna be my answer. What's advice you would give to your younger self? Use a Pedialyte as a mixer? Probably.

Yep. For sure. That's 100% it. Nothing else.

Thank you for that. I feel smarter. Where are you at? What hotel are you at? Like, I actually don't. You guys. I don't actually know where she is because we're catching up legitimately on this podcast each week.

Well, I think we just missed each other because I'm in Denver now.

That makes me angry.

I know.

I almost was like, denver animal. How did we miss each other? What hotel? Where?

Halicon Helicon. However you say that. I don't know how to pronounce it.

I don't know. I'm directionally challenged.

They take pets, so if anyone's traveling here and has your dog, they accept dogs.

Yeah, that's the most important thing. Yeah, I'm super sad about that. Where are you off to next?

Santa Monica.

Oh, so you're going the whole day tomorrow? Oh, well, we're gonna stop.

We're gonna stay here another night and stop in Utah and then Santa Monica for like a month. So I hope I can see you in person.

Guess where I am right now. Where? Just guess.

Okay.

Utah. I'm a day ahead of you.

You really are.

That is so freaking creepy and amazing. Moab's really pretty. Yeah, like, I'm talking to my past, like, yesterday. So you're talking to your future. That's what I mean. You're gonna enjoy Moab. It's gorgeous. It's definitely like, you know those. Those vehicles, like those razors, like for off roading? Yes, it's razor capital. Like you are pretty much just meant to come here if you're gonna off road. Everybody parked next to this RV has a really cool off roading vehicle. Chris and I feel super inadequate. We don't have any vehicle. So we go outside, and we're like. We, like, skid in the dirt and jump on rocks. I love it.

What's something you've learned while traveling all summer?

I've learned that salads every night are super important or you don't poop. Yes.

That's the hardest part.

Literally, literally eat salads every night, even if you don't like them. But I freaking love them, and it's helped me stay really regular. I have learned that there is nothing to get frustrated over because it's such a waste of your time. You literally can get frustrated. And then I feel these little temper tantrums come on. Where I just want to. Like, I feel myself blaming Chris for things that aren't even his fault. Like, I knew I'd dropped this call. I knew I made this call at this time while we were driving through Colorado that I was gonna drop it. I knew I should, but I don't have time to do it because you wanted a long driving day. And he's like, you wanted a long driving day too. And I can hear myself being a horrible person.

I do the exact same thing. I had a temper tantrum multiple times today, And I'm like, it's not anyone's fault. It's just how traveling goes.

So ridiculous. Like, I'm making myself miserable right now and him miserable, which makes me even more miserable. And I was like, this is so not worth it. So I'm probably. He's outside right now with the dog, drinking a beer. I'm probably gonna need to go apologize. He's already forgot, but I probably should because I have to drive with him for another really long time.

If you want to get to know someone, you should travel with them in a car.

Oh, my God. It is 1 million percent the truth. I think we'd have a lot. Wait. I was gonna say we should go on a road trip. We did a trip.

Oh, we did the ultimate get to know each other trip. Also known as a cruise ship in a closed cabin.

If anything ever happened in the world where, like, our husbands had to go somewhere for months or a year, which pray to God they never do, and that'd be really a weird scenario if they did that. But I'm just letting you know, if that ever happens, we could be bunk mates for a long period of time. Now I don't know how you feel. How I feel. Maybe I won't let you say how you feel so that I don't feel bad.

So we're on the same page. We can handle an apocalypse no problem.

I really could. Because we know when to give each other, like, space. And we also like being quiet, like, as much as we like to laugh and talk. I feel like we both also equally savor the silence.

I really do. I love silence. Adam loves noises. When he. When he got in this room, he just turned everything on. I'm like, why do we need everything on? Can it be off?

Does that feel like a lot to you? Sometimes. Do you say, like, I can't. Like, sometimes for my nervous system, I feel like I'm gonna implode. Do you say that to him? Yes. Or is that just me? Like, I feel that way, like, sometimes. Oh, my God. This is hilarious. Okay, so Chris's parents would always stay with us, like, in the wintertime. And his mom loves, like, to watch the news first thing in the morning, like, Fox News. And we don't really have the TV on at all, like, ever. It's really rare. Like, we'll have it on at night for a show or two or whatever. Now, Covid, totally different. We watched a couple shows every night. So let's just say before this. Okay, so I come down in the morning, and, like, the news was on, and they were staying with us. And I've never. I mean, like, that does not happen. Like, if the news is on. Something went terribly awry in the world where I need to know where to go. And I came down and I was like. And I literally felt offended. Like, it felt like she invited 20 different, like, politicians and news anchors into my living room, and they were fighting before I had my coffee, and I was literally like, get out. Not her. But that's how I feel. Good news.

I agree. It's very loud. Lots of commercials. It's too much for me.

Oh, my God. So in my religion growing up, they always said unless you would do what they're doing on the TV on your couch or have them in your living room, you shouldn't be watching it. So, like, watch, like, a sex scene. I'm like, I don't know, Chris. Would I be having them in my living room on my couch? I don't know. What. What day of the week is it? Just kidding. I love this. Isn't that hilarious? So anyway, yeah. Do you have a quote?

Oh, yeah, sorry. I do. And it's from. It's from Eckhart Tolle.

Tolle. Tolle.

How do you say his last name? It says, whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world.

Boom. Oh, what are you withholding right now?

Oh, geez. A lot of things. I can't even go the potty. It's, like, all in there.

What is Evan's superpower that she is withholding? That she knows? Like, she can see it in the back of her head. Like, she's like. Like the other life that, you know, that you came here to be. What is that? Are you on a. Are you doing comedy? Are you writing? Are you running a paper company? What are you doing? Like, when you. When you're listening to your favorite Beyonce song in the car and you're like, mother, I know that I'm supposed to do this. What is it?

I think it's writing things and meeting cool people. Not. Not. You know what I mean? Just, like, meeting people that are different from me.

Yes. I love that writing thing. Like a book or, like, quotes or cards or what?

Oh, all the above. Cards, books, you know, everything.

Okay, I like that.

I'm sure everyone's like, cool, cool, cool, cool.

I'd like to talk about that. Okay. You're like, well, now I'm never gonna see you. All right. My quote is pretty stupid compared to yours. I don't want to hurt this person's feeling, but I think it's just a website, which there's a person behind that. How rude of me. Anyway, that's rude. This is from the good quote who have amazing people running it. And it's a really great quote. If I wasn't comparing it. Imagine if every time you got jealous, you decided to get inspired instead.

Oh, that's really good.

It's literally what I do, and it has helped me so much. Like, I really do not. It's pretty rare that I get jealous because I turn it into. Oh, if I can spot it, I got it. Whoever said that quote was amazing as well, because I always think that I'm like, oh, if I see that, it means that's in me. And that person just, like, gave me a little permission for it to come out. So I know you. I want to hear what you're going to say. Oh, sorry.

I was just going to say that you are 100,000% like that, and that's one of the qualities I've always admired. You do not participate in crappy gossip, Anything like that. I don't think I've ever heard you say anything negative about someone, even if, like, they were a poop head.

Wow. Well, thank you. I know I have for sure, but, yeah, I'll save one for you. I'm just kidding. Okay. Yeah, that's a huge. That's a huge compliment because I have worked on that for a really long time. I definitely have not always been that way. So yay.

Good.

I'm glad that's translating. Okay, let's answer. No Review a review.

Oh this is good. This is really good. Okay, it says this is from Angie Casper. The title is Friends in my head. I love listening to you and Evans. My husband works a lot and I work from home right now we have a gym in our house and I miss going to the gym and being around people. I like listening during my workouts, especially to you and Evans. It's like I have friends in my head.

Oh, I love her. Angie. Thank you so much for sending that in. If you send a email to customerservicerieharder.com we will send you something cool. Let us know that you were the Review of the Week.

Some folks questions yes, this is all about trust, which I think is a great subject.

That is a great subject. I feel like that is something hard to gain and get and give.

Yes.

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Okay, this is from Jen Livingston, 27. She asks, Once your trust is broken in a relationship, how do you work to trust again in future relationships?

Oh man. I mean, I think both of us could answer this. I think according to our past, both of us could answer this. Oh yeah, tough for me with, you know, boyfriends. And this one was even tougher for me with friendships actually because I. The way that I was showing up was attracting people who also didn't like really show up themselves yet or authentically or like I was attracting people who also I was a major like giver to feel like I was enough. Like I. That's how it translated for me. It was like I never felt like enough in relationships. So I found people who would take, take, take, and I would just always feel valuable by them needing me, right? Or treating me a certain way, whatever that was. So for me, I attracted shit relationships, like shit friendships. It was pretty bad for a while. And I had some, I had some like good ones mixed in there, few and far between and those ones I didn't quite put the value on yet because I just kind of took those for like, granted and didn't invest in them. I'm setting this up so that I can say I had major trust issues because I just had a bunch of crap happen and it wasn't all their fault. It was totally a huge portion of how I was showing up as well. But, you know, lots of gossip, lots of backstabbing, lots of like, kind of like little like girl gang ups on me because I wasn't partaking in like their social activities. I was trying to do a bunch of other. I was like trying to achieve things in my life, but they did not like that. So anyway, with all of that being said, I did not trust women to save my life. Like as far as I could throw them, I couldn't throw them very far. So for me, when I had to start trusting in friendships, it's still something that triggers me. Like I'll feel myself leaning in or sharing something. Like, Evans, if I share something really vulnerable with you, it takes all that I have not to text you and be like, oh my God, are we still okay? Did I share too much? Did I say something like really nasty about that person? Now you're worried that I'm going to gossip. And even though I needed to tell you that to connect and feel like you could help me with this problem, it takes all I have to not have to go there. And sometimes I do. Sometimes in relationships I'll be like, hey, just so you know, for me, getting really vulnerable makes me feel like the most vulnerable I've ever felt. It makes me feel like I'm not safe, like in the relationship. So this is just me saying, hey, I adore you. I hope we're still all good. Like, I hope that you know you're not going to say anything. And sometimes I need that confirmation of trust on relationships. And I know that this might be about romantic relationships or maybe it's not, because this applies to both. I think my ultimate answer is to try to tell you that you have to speak when you feel vulnerable and tell them, like, you can't just assume that they should be extra overly like concerned or cautious about the past relationships you've been in. They don't know when you're worried. They don't know when you're starting to sabotage the relationship. They don't know when you don't, when you feel inadequate. So the best thing I can say is when you are feeling like it doesn't feel safe to Trust, tell them. Be like, hey, this is where I start to kind of get freaked out in a relationship. And I don't want to, like, I want to move past this and I want to be able to know. You definitely have to tell them. I know this isn't you right now. This is my past triggering me to feel this way. So what I want to do is talk about it, like, with my past really triggered me around other women because I would get really, really jealous because one of my former boyfriends cheated on me, like, over, like, 17 times. So I'd be super triggered around women. And when Chris would go out without me. So instead of me just getting all freaking psycho on him like I wanted to and did in the beginning, I would say, you know, if there's something coming up that's like, really triggering, if you guys are going to. If I know that you might be going to a strip club, or if I know, you know, we were really young and whatever I was like, that's gonna be trigger for me. So this is something that I am gonna tell you if this happens. This is really triggering. I would rather you not do this, but let's talk about it. Or, hey, can I. If I call you to. At 10 or 11 and you're still out or you're going to have a late night, would you pick up or text me back just so I can start to build that trust and feel like safe in a relationship again? And these are things that you need to say what you need in order for you to get what you need or come to a compromise. And if that person's not willing to do that, then it may not be the right person for you. Because if it's not a big ask, like, that's. Those are not big asks. If they're not huge asks. And you know that if going down the road, this continued thing is going to keep coming up and it's going to cause problems, then guess what? You're actually just postponing a massive, disastrous relationship. So speak in a. Like, come to an agreement. Speak and come to an agreement. So I want to know what your. I actually saw a lot of questions that were along the same vein. So even if we can just get to this one, I think it's one of the meatiest questions because I think it's what we all deal with, whether it's, you know, friendships or actual relationships. So I want to know what you do when you start to either feel, like, scared to trust in any relationship.

Well, thinking back, I was kind of just as you were talking, thinking like on past relationships where someone cheated on me or something like that and it was just unhealthy. And I think in those times I really didn't feel good about myself and my confidence was lacking. And I think when you have, when you love yourself more and feel good about yourself and do things to build yourself up, it kind of, well a, it helps you attract a better caliber of person and you feel like you're like, I trust that I know what's best for me so I can walk away from this relationship or I can speak up like you were saying, like you trusted yourself to say, hey, I need this for me to feel good about this part of our relationship, relationships. So can you check in with me? And you weren't like embarrassed about it, you just, you knew that's what you needed. So I kind of think it goes along with like confidence and boundaries. It's hard though. It's so hard.

I'm so glad you just said that because honestly what there was. There are multiple things going on with trust and I think when we talk about anything, life is so cool and so complex because there are so many layers to everything you talk about. When you talk about trust, you actually can't not talk about your, the way that you love yourself. Because just like you said, I did not attract somebody better because I just kept attracting people who were going to give me that same end result because I was in such lack and fear. So my lack and fear that I couldn't trust someone was attracting a really untrustworthy person. So to be like, I trust myself, you know, I love who I am. I don't need somebody like that. Like, I want somebody who's just as confident with themselves and who really wants a relationship and is willing to compromise in a relationship. Like they know it's a two way street. That's when I attracted somebody completely different than who I was attracting before. So I do think that that is. It's not like. And I'm not sure if you have to like go away and first have all this self love and you know, work on it and become this different person. I think it can simultaneous, I think that you can start attracting that person the second you start wanting to and putting effort toward it, but they will, you will attract the person who you'll get to practice on. I promise you they will show up, they'll probably be awesome and it will be the test of your life because you'll be like, you're great, but I don't know if I can Trust you. And they'll be like, yeah, you can. Why are you being so crazy? And you'll be like, you're weird. Cause it's weird. You're not used to it. Like, the right for you to practice on, but you have to accept that it's that. And maybe it's your forever person, maybe it's not. But I'm telling you, once you start, like, putting it out there, they'll show up and you'll be all pissed about it because you're not ready to change yet.

Exactly. Why does life work like that?

Because God's up there, like, wanting to be entertained. He's literally, like, I've been up here for I don't even know how long. I'm bored. Sprinkle, Sprinkle, do something funny. I really. I know he has a far superior voice than that, and that's probably not the case, but I do think God is really funny, so I do, too.

Has to have a sense of humor. There's no way. There's no way. You can't live without it.

Have you seen puppies? Do you watch any animal videos? That's how you know God is funny. That's how you don't. There's many other ways that you don't, but. Anyway, Evans, I could just. I could keep you all night, but I think you had a glass of wine, you're in a bathrobe, your husband's there. I'm gonna let you go. Oh, my go.

I hope my mom listening right now. I'm so red.

Mom, that was for you. Because, trust me, they. I know they're married, but they do not do anything like that. Never. They stare at each other and they wink once in a while, and that's as flirtatious as it gets. All right.

We play Scrabble.

Sexy Scrabble. All right, Mom. All right. Peace be with you.

And also with you.

All right, Evans, until next time. I'll see you next week. I don't know where you'll be. Are you in Santa Monica next week?

Next week. So maybe I'll see you in real life.

Oh, my God. Maybe we can do irl. Okay, trl. All right, I'll see you later. Bye, everyone. Bye.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing, and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest, honest thought and honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys.

Bye bye.