649. Q&A: Self-Care

I'll tell you what. You might feel anxious and you might feel scared, but you also get to feel accomplished. And let's. Let's be super real. You feel anxious and scared every day that you don't do something you want to be doing. But you don't get the bonus of feeling accomplished. You get the bonus of crying yourself to sleep every night. That's not a bonus at all.

No.

Been there and done that. Like, you got to listen to your soul's call or you're going to. We turn into weirdos. Welcome to the earn your happy pile podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business, and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we announce, anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Hey, welcome back to questionably awesome, where the things we say may be questionable or awesome. So if you're looking for something serious, this isn't the podcast for you, but you will get nuggets, chicken nuggets, little chicken nuggets. I mean, or if you're a vegan, we can do vegan nuggets. Like, it's really choose your own adventure.

Yeah, like those broccoli ones, they have broccoli nuggets that are pretty tasty.

I mean, are they tasty or do you need a lot of ketchup?

You need a ketchup.

Especially when you're like, I'm gonna eat healthy and try to be a vegan. And, you know, then you're like, wow, not sure I can do this. So shout out to all of you vegans out there, because I think it's a superpower.

Me too. I could never do it. And I truly admire your work in the world.

I feel like I've tried to do it for a day, and then I realized I was eating chicken or fish or honey.

Oh, yeah, you can't eat honey. Anyway, how's life?

Thank you for switching me off that topic. How is life? Life is crazy and awesome just because, you know, we have got, like, the fam jam staying at our house for probably the next month. So super fun and also just Like, I am such a creature of habit and introverted, and I. It's also my office, so. And I just happen to be in one of the busiest seasons slash years. So it's. You want to know what's tough is it's not. It's not having them here. It's the, like, guilt around, like, when I go walk out to the kitchen and people are out there, like. And I have a call right away, and it's like the two minutes in between where I just am thinking about something else in silence, and they start talking. And it's the feeling where I have to say over and over, like, oh, I have to go get on that call, or I have to do this or whatever. Like, constantly feeling like I have to apologize for, like, rushing around, because it's my office, and I know that they don't care. I know that they don't care.

They don't.

But yet I put it on myself, like, oh, I'm being short or rude. And isn't that strange? It's your own freaking family. And I feel that way. What is that?

I don't know. It's like this weird guilt we have. But everyone. My mom does the same thing because she's a realtor, so she's working, like, at home and all the time, and it's like, none of us care. Do your thing. But I don't know. It's just one of those weird things.

It really is. It's just like. I don't know if you feel like you need to, because I feel like sometimes when I'm just. Even when I'm in the presence of people, like, I have to. Oh, weird. This is interesting. I think we're working out some therapy sessions here. I have a. I really have this thing where, like, whenever I'm in rooms with people, I feel like it's my job to make sure that they're comfortable. So when I feel like I might be the reason why they're uncomfortable, it, like, really, at the core, it probably has something to do with me feeling like if I don't make people comfortable, that I'm not worthy, because I actually feel that, like, oh, my God. I'm always the person who's trying to make sure everyone's okay. And if I can't be that person, especially if I'm the opposite of that person, like, kind of like, what if I'm making them feel like, you know, rushed, or you're in my office or I'm in the middle of the workday or, oh, my God, like, It's just. It's really weird. So sometimes I'll just. Day in my office, even when I want to go, like, out into the kitchen and get something to eat, and I'm like, maybe I'll just starve today.

And you'll, like, pee. You'll pee on yourself because you're staying in there. Exactly.

All of the above. Like, starving and wet pants, you know, it's a bad combo.

Well, what's something you're going to tell yourself now when that thing comes up that's like, oh, you need to stay and talk? What do you think you're going to say to yourself?

Honestly, I think I need to free myself right away by saying, like, hey, this is how I feel. And I'm releasing myself to know that I probably won't say anything in between while I'm walking around. Like, I need to give myself that freedom because it's. It's just what I need during the day. So I think I'm probably going to have to say something right from the front, right off the bat to give myself that freedom.

I think that's a great idea. And I think everyone knows that you work from home and you don't have to feel guilty about doing your job.

Right? Exactly. Exactamundo. Love it. Thanks for that therapy session. So I hear that you have, like, you took our conversation and we're thinking about it or did something with it. Can you tell me about that? So fill in what we talked about for anyone who didn't listen last week, and then where you're at.

Yes. Okay. You brought up this great exercise that Lindsay Schwartz does about wouldn't it be cool if.

Yes.

And you make a whole list. So I took my notebook and I made a whole list of just everything that would be cool. And then you were like, take your top three and send them to me. And so then I did. And then you were like, okay, well, what. What does it look like when you actually do those things? Like, what do you want to focus on? And it just really helps you. I was talking about, like, I want to be paid to do some kind of copywriting, and wouldn't that be cool? And so then I, like, googled classes online, like SEO classes, groups, like, support groups. Started making myself, like, a little schedule. I even texted Jackie because you know how she's starting something new.

Yes.

So I was like, do you want to check in with each other once a week? Because I. And now we're going to check in with each other after the. So it's like this Whole thing is starting like, I'm crying.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Oh, my God.

Also, do you know what else helps?

What?

I didn't want to. It's good when someone. Like, when you have someone like you and Jackie, because Jackie also kind of scares me, so I don't want to let her down. Like, I don't want to let you all down.

Yeah.

So it feels good to have someone that's like, I want to do a good job because I know these people are, like, rooting for me and want. It's good to have people in your life like that.

Oh, God. I 100% do that to myself. So I find where the positive pressure is. And for me, it's always 100% Evans. Like, this relates to even what I was saying earlier. I know that once I tell people I really care about or somebody that I really like kind of look up to, I will not drop that ball. It may be really hard, and I may. It may look different than I thought, but, um, it's so much pressure for me to not let people down. And that works for me. So you kind of have to find what that is. And for me, it's exactly what yours is. It's not letting people down. So, I mean, that's literally one of the reasons why I brought in, like, so many female investors and, like, female investors who really hold me to a high standard, because I'm like, I don't think people get that by doing this. I set myself up to not allow myself to fail. Like, I. I just can't fathom. I cannot fathom letting them down. So that's what drives me every day. So, like, that we're in the same exact, exact boat. And. And I think we don't do that in the beginning. Like, I don't know if you were even ready to. You know, I think you knew that, but I don't know if you were ready in that place to do that until you were like, okay, I think I pretty sure I have some answers on the direction now. I need something to hold myself to it. And it's scary, right? It's scary to tell people what you're doing, but it's also, like, I can't not do this anymore. So, like, I can't not follow this vision. So now it's time to apply that positive pressure. And so you chose your accountability. It's so cool.

It's gonna be great.

Yeah, it's the whole idea of choose your. You know, choose your challenge. Cause if you don't choose your challenge, which you chose it by, you know, telling Jackie and I what you wanna do. So you chose the challenge of, like, okay, they're gonna hold me accountable. I said, I'm gonna do this now. I'm gonna go and do something challenging. Or life chooses your challenge like it does. It just. You'll wake up and life will be hard, and you won't know, like, what you wanna do. And, you know, if you choose something hard, your life will be easy. If you choose easy, your life will be hard. It's just. I love that quote, so.

Oh, that's a.

That's my quote. Great. Because I couldn't find a good one. Mine is terrible. So that's the quote. I don't know who says it, but I like to regurgitate it.

That's really good. I love that.

So what's your quote?

My quote is from the book you suggested, the winging it book.

Don't you love her? Oh, my gosh.

So good. And she has the best voice, so it's great to listen to. She said, you are in the driver's seat. You get to choose. You call the shots. You get to go create anything you want. There's a magic in that. But it comes with two caveats. You must start somewhere, and you're the only one who can make it happen.

Oh, man. How much is that book helping right now with where you're at?

So helpful. Because it's all about just, like, just figure it out and just take a chance.

We don't know what we're doing. Nobody does. Nobody knows. But it's so fun that every day is different. You know, it's. It's so challenging that every day is different, and it's so fun. Like, that's the thing that. I'll tell you what, you might feel anxious and you might feel scared, but you also get to feel accomplished. And let's. Let's be super real. You feel anxious and scared every day that you don't do something you want to be doing. But you don't get the bonus of feeling accomplished. You get the bonus of crying yourself to sleep every night. That's not a bonus at all.

No.

Been there, done that. Like, you got to listen to your soul's call or you're going to. We turn into weirdos. So, I mean, we're already weirdos, but we turn into the negative kind of weirdos where you, like, you just don't function in society well because you're so sad and you're not following your call. And you're like, yeah, life isn't gonna go well. It's not so.

And you just feel like crap.

Yeah, you feel like crap. Because that is like literally God tapping over and over and over again. And he's like, I'm gonna make you feel so crappy until you wake up feel from this freaking coma called doing nothing.

It's horrible, terrible.

And it's not that you don't do anything, Evans. You do a lot.

Oh no.

But like, you've got a big purpose. You're way too funny and smart to like be doing other work. That's all.

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I'm just talking to everybody on here, like, you know exactly.

If you're listening, then you are a big person and you deserve a big life.

You do. And they know it. Right now. They're listening. They're like, damn it, damn it, girlfriends. We're like, damn it, I do. We're like sex in the city for people. We're like the besties that maybe they, they don't have right now, but they're coming, like, for real. So if you feel like you love listening to us because you feel like we're your friends or that we just make you feel smarter, I just want to tell you that something is something. This is coming for you. You're manifesting great relationships and friendships right now.

I agree. I can see big things happening, but I mean, hope is on the horizon. Everyone.

If you listen to this podcast, you're literally manifesting hope. It's true. So do you got a review?

Oh, yeah.

That's totally improper English. You got to review.

You got a review.

Hey, you got a review.

Hey, you got a review. This is from Tay Ruffo. Um. Oh, this is nice. Long story short, I never pegged myself to be a podcast person. However, 2020 presented a lot of hardships, from moving across the country to the pandemic to a long distance relationship. When I came across Lori's podcast It became an instant obsession for me. I started it all the way at the beginning. What? And have listened almost every episode. Thank you, Lori, for all your advice that has helped me completely turn my mental health and mindset around. Lori is warm, loving, motivating, hilarious, and inspirational.

Oh. Oh, wow.

I have recommended this podcast to all my friends. Looking back and seeing my progress over the past year makes me emotional and I could not have done it without you, Lori.

Oh, my gosh. When you doubt that the world is not good, that the world is good. Sorry. It's things like that that make you. That make you just like so grateful. And never underestimate the power of giving someone a compliment. That was just like the nicest thing ever. Yeah, let's give. Let's pay that forward. You and me need to give somebody compliments today. Like that.

Okay.

Rock their world. Who is a person you feel like you could give a compliment that would rock their world?

Oh, I'm gonna give my friend Meredith who lives in Tennessee. I'm going to call her and give her a compliment. Maybe do a voice text.

Oh, I like that because I'm My friend Lindsay in just a little bit for a lift. I'm going to give her like a really heartfelt compliment today.

Where you. Are you going to film it?

Sure. I mean that'll be. It won't be any different from the other compliments I like to film. Just kidding. Hey, do you guys see I gave this compliment today? Watch how great I am at.

Watch this compliment.

That'd be a really funny page though. Like, watch me give compliments on Instagram. It's watchmegive compliments. That's so weird. Do you have a question?

Yes.

Okay.

This is from at. Ms. Lars. What tips do you have for making yourself a priority and making self care non negotiable?

This is really good because I'm definitely feeling this right now. Like, the more. The more that I. The bigger the goal for me, the more I know I have to support myself in self care. And I think it's really just like how you want to feel in life too. I actually did a podcast yesterday with a guy named Shawn Stevenson who's like brilliant with like science and the body and food and sleep and it's. It's almost like when once you learn about how important sleep, self care and food is, it's almost hard to deny that the choices that we're making are either pulling away from our dream and our happiness, or you're either fueling them or pulling them away. Like there's not really an in between. So, like, when you neglect self care, you're actually neglecting your biggest vision and your relationships. Because when we don't do self care, like, we start to resent the people in our lives or the fact that there's no time or, you know, and the thing is, is if there's no time, that's on us. Like, we have to realize that everything is on us because there's always an. There's always a choice that could be made that we're not making. So, you know, even if it's crazy because I struggle with this one because I don't have kids even saying this out loud, but at the time, same, same time, it's like there's always an opposite choice. Even if you're like, oh my gosh, well, I have kids and I'm so busy and I have this job, it's like, could you maybe with one other friend who has kids, maybe once every two weeks, see if you could say, I will watch yours for an afternoon, you watch mine for an afternoon, we could have one afternoon of self care to ourselves. And that may not be easy, and it may be the hardest thing ever, but it's kind of like that idea of man. Then that's your job then. Your job is to try to find those people who want the same thing as you so that you can make room for that. So I think there's always, you know, a way that we can create something like that. Cause I've seen my friends do it, right? I've literally seen them be like, no, this is impossible. But then create a space for some self care. Because ultimately it may not seem important, and it may seem harder to go and try to find that person right now, but in the long run, it's gonna be so much better. So whether you have kids or not, or whether you need to make a certain time for it, it's about like, what are you willing to do to create that space for yourself? Because ultimately that's the thing that is gonna keep you the healthiest and happiest. So I think just really thinking about going back to the question of like, how do you make it a non negotiable is realizing that your happiness and your goals are hinged upon the choices you make around taking care of yourself.

Ooh, that's good. And something that I'm learning is that maybe self care, it doesn't necessarily have to look like a day at the spa. It can just be like, oh, you know what? I actually don't need that glass of wine during the week.

Totally.

But it's just like those little things that I've started to learn are helping me. Like, hey, maybe I don't need to buy that package of cookies right now. I can just have one every once in a while.

Oh my gosh. Like right down to like, I don't need that second cup of coffee because it makes me crazy. Like that's real for me. I'll say it. Sometimes I'm walking back to the coffee pot and I'm like, you know what you're choosing right now? You're choosing anxiety. Like, you know, you can have your first one and be great the second one. You know that you're probably gonna get some anxiety and start freaking out about your life for no reason. So self care to me is like, don't choose those things if you know, like there's a weird addiction there and it's not always easy and you're gonna fail. I totally fail all the time. But like you said, like last night we have this non alcoholic beer and I was like, everybody. Cause the fam showed up last night and everybody was having cocktails and I was like, I promised myself I was gonna take a, like I was gonna have this week off for like some mental clarity and just to like start feeling like myself again. And I was like, don't disappoint yourself. Like this is self love in this moment is choosing to go, like have that non alcoholic drink first to see. And sure enough, once you have the first one, like once you like make the first tough choice, it's usually easier to keep making that choice. It's just that initial, like, you know, have the glass of water first or whatever that looks like. And it is the hardest point of the whole day. I don't even know why. It's just like making that one decision. And then at the end of the day, even if you've made some bad decisions, knowing that maybe you made one better than the day before, you're on a better track. And that's where the grace comes in too, right? Cause we can't be like, oh, I told myself I was gonna wake up and have this breakfast and then I was gonna be healthy here and have only one cup of coffee and then not have a drink a night. Maybe your win is just that you cut back on one cup of coffee, but you still had a cocktail at night. Like it's so hard to fathom for a brain that is like, especially if you were all or nothing. I mean, it took me like 510 years to break all or nothing, and I still have that gene in me that runs super deep. Like, it is hard for me to break that pattern or feel good about myself if I'm not all in. But you don't go all in. You can't go all in after you've been out. It's pretty much impossible. So you can go all in. But then if you have grace when you fail, because you will fail all in, life will make you fail, because you can't be all in all the time. So even if you have a personality kind of like mine, where you're like, no, I gotta cut it off and go all in, and then you fail, you know, three days later on your all in journey, if you can be like, okay, that was totally fine. Let's go back to whatever I was doing then it's kind of like you found the in between all in and grace. It's weird.

I like that.

Do you as. I'm not sure if I do, so I do.

Give yourself some grace and do those little teeny things, because those things add up and make you feel better.

Yeah. Amen. Amen, sister. Okay, what's. What's the next question? We'll take one more of you. Okay, I'm gonna have you answer this one.

Oh, man.

Taking a break at.

@Dandy 2901 wants to know, how do you balance and prioritize your need to's and want to when you do have free time? Oh, when you do have free time. Or maybe when you don't have free time?

I think it's when you do have free time, because I think she's saying, so let's say I get a little bit of free time. How do I decide between what I want to be doing with my free time and what I need to be doing?

Ooh, okay. I actually just recently won the free time lottery, and.

Yeah.

And that's been weird for me too.

Yeah.

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I'm still trying to figure it out, but here's what I'm learning is that I need to sign up for. There's like an online yoga instructor or I've been doing your body and soul workouts. Oh my God, I love them. But if I just like make an appointment, I put like my appointments in with myself. Like I really want to work out. So I need to do these three and I'll set like a low goal like three times this week. I'll do a good workout.

Yep.

And then when I then I feel like I've earned getting to do my what I want to do.

That's so good. That totally makes sense. I love that. And the crazy thing about free time is that it can be overwhelmed, it can be overwhelming. And free time can actually make you feel real guilty because I think we've talked about this before that you have to choose that you're either in the free time or you're in the I'm doing something time. And like there's no in between. You got to, you got to pick for that day or you're never going to feel like you ever have AKA free time or that you have downtime. So I think it's like when I have free time, I'm like designating the free time. I'm like, do I need this for self care or just off time or connection time? And if I do put everything away and be all in on like not feeling guilty about needing to do something else and knowing that you. I think that's the answer for me is that how I decide is like number one, what's top plate is something eating at me that I can't even if it's free time and like something I would rather want to be doing, if I go do the thing I want to be doing, will I feel bad about it because I actually needed to be doing something else. So then it's like, it's not even fun to have the want to do thing because all you're thinking about is what you needed to do. So that's kind of how I decide. I'm like, do I need to do this to the point where I'm gonna feel so guilty and not be able to think about anything else even while it's doing the thing I wanna do? So that's definitely how I decide. And you know, sometimes you take on a project that you need to be doing everything, but then that's when you have to decide, is this real or is this an expectation I've put on myself that may not be like a realistic expectation? So that's a whole other layer. That's a whole other weird layer to. To decision making.

But it's been a weird year and I think that maybe. I don't think we need to feel so guilty about having that, like, luxury free time where we just like, read a book or do something that makes you happy? Yeah, it's okay.

Yeah, it's okay. And it's probably helping with everything else that you want to be. It's probably helping with that goal because you do need to enjoy your life. Like, otherwise, what's it for? You know?

So.

Amen if you need to talk to me about balancing so much. Like, I. Evans, like, literally I've been in that place where it's like I have when I handed off my gym to someone and was like, I'm gonna go all in on X, Y and Z. It's like, oh my God, nobody's telling me what schedule to be on. And it's almost too much free time. And then sometimes you'll notice, and I'm sure you've noticed this already. You'll like, self sabotage. You'll like, numb out on things. You'll like, be. You'll be on Instagram for the second hour and you'll be like, you're such a loser. Like, you'll say that to yourself, like, you idiot. And then you're like, well, that's not getting me anywhere. And you're like, but I don't know what to do next. And like, there's so many things to do, but you don't know what to do. That's when you need a friend to like strategize with and just be like, okay, this is all you have to do right now because you can only do one thing at a time. So this week is designated to your workout and to taking this class. And the rest is free time. It really is.

Like, that sounds great.

Yeah. But that's how you will still get further ahead doing that than like running your wheels and feeling Guilty about thinking you need to do it all at once. Cause in the beginning, there's just not. There's a ton to do, and there's very little to do. And I wish I would have realized that a long time ago because I just would have, like, really put myself into the smaller things and, like, learned them and enjoyed them, rather than doing the small things and thinking I was supposed to be doing all the big things and feeling guilty the whole time. So I really. That beginning of that journey is, like, can be really beautiful, but I think we all make it really stressful because we think we're supposed to be doing everything. You just cannot.

So I really thank you for saying that, because yesterday I was that person who was on Instagram for 20 hours. Self sabotaging.

Yeah. I mean, it's what we do. I wish more people would say, hey. Like, I wish people would post every day that they're like, hey, finally got this one post out, and it was, you know, 10 hours after I searched all of these different things and looked at people who made me feel terrible about myself. And now all I want to do is get seven surgeries and.

Have 10 cocktails.

Have 10 cocktails and work out 20 different ways, you know? Yeah. And own 27 different businesses. Like, not good. It's not good. Yeah. So no more of that. No, but we'll do it again later, too.

Yeah. So, yeah, definitely.

We'll be like, only puppies. And then we'll be like, but who's this puppy owner? She's so pretty. Let me see her makeup. And then we're like, wait, how does she get her makeup that way? And then all of a sudden, they're like, look at this Brazilian butt lift. And you're like, wait, how does that even happen? And then. Come on, it's how it happens. And then you're like, wait, what top is she wearing? And they're like, oh, my God, I'm back on the Revolve site. Do I need this top? I'm not even going out. That'd be so fun to follow that one day and then be like, wait, who's this influencer wearing this top? Who's her boyfriend? How long have they been together?

Like, I know exactly what you're talking about because I've done it so many times.

It's literally it. And it spirals on for hours like that. Was that an engagement ring? Oh, my God. I wonder if it. What shape is that? And then you're on a wedding site and you're like, oh, if I could get married again. I'd wear this dress. Yep.

It's like, why? Why are you doing this? Why?

Your brain loves it. Because, like, your brain wants to be a squirrel, except we have to train it to be like Buddha, you know? And Instagram trains you to be really dissatisfied with life and want a new hit every 0.3 seconds. And that's the scariest thing I've ever heard of, which is why people can't reach their goals and dreams, because they're just like, no, Instagram gives it to me now. And the universe is like, talk to you in five years.

Yeah, it's gonna take some time.

Yeah. Okay. I could clearly talk to you all day, but I'm gonna. We're gonna call this one. We're gonna call it quits for today, so. Okay, so here's to quitting. Here's the quitting. Once you're done, once you feel accomplished. I feel accomplished, so now we're allowed to.

Me too. And I hope everyone out there just has the best day ever.

They're going to now. I mean, that's what I'm going with. I'm going to pump up our egos right now, because this is all about giving a compliment. Watchmegive compliment.com. So I'm just going to say that I'm proud of us for constantly showing up and taking people's minds off of anything intelligent. So.

Me too.

I like that about us. All right.

Happy to be here.

Happy to be here. Until next time, enjoy your holiday season, and we'll be tuning back in with some more thoughtful advice. Bye, Evans.

Bye, Lori.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn you your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more about. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye. Bye.