669. 3 Things to Make You Better in Leadership AND Relationships

I always say exactly what's on my mind. The problem is I don't always say it the right way. And for a lot of years, people would share with me, hey, it's not your message that's wrong, it's your delivery that's wrong.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. And we're back with another episode of he said, she said.

So today you said you wanted to talk about the common thread. Three things that will make you both a better leader and also better in relationships.

Yeah, better in all relationships. A better partner, a better friend, a better employer. All of the things. So this is, this is huge because I look back at all of our previous ways that we have either coached people or ways that we communicated in our life, and I think about even when we first became employers, when we had our first couple hires, and you guys, I, I literally look back and just want to plant my palm to my face because there were so many things that I did that were like, just not good leadership.

And that's okay. By the way, in the beginning, no one's going to be a great leader right away. Some will be a little better than others, but you're not going to be a great one right away. And same thing with relationships, you're not going to understand, like how to communicate and what to do right away. In relationships right away, some might be naturally a little better than others, but we're all going to be freaking messy in the beginning. And I think these three tips are going to help clean up a lot of low hanging fruit for everybody. So what's the first one?

So the first one is to give feedback in the moment. I really cannot stress how important this is and this is something that is still really challenging for me. And also two and three that we're going to share later are really going to support how you can make sure that that feedback in the moment is also received really well. But back to feedback in the moment it is like, oh my gosh, what? What's worse than letting something stew and then thinking you can come back to it when that person has already forgot or is already over it. And I know, especially in relationships, you, men get over things typically, typically men get over things a lot quicker than women. It's like 10 minutes later, I'm still stewing. Not even 10 minutes, let's be real, two hours later, I'm still stewing about something. And you, you're literally like into your like third football game.

Like, this is so freaking true, you guys. Okay, I'll think that was no big deal. It was a 10 second little mishap. And literally three hours later I'm like, what's your problem? And you're still thinking about it. I don't understand this difference between men and women.

Well, understand it.

Okay, so you're saying when you bring it up three hours later, and I'm like, the hell you still think about, like, why is this still a thing? We can avoid that by bringing it up effectively right away in the moment, right?

And the emotions are gone and you kind of are over it and you don't think it's a big deal. And the thing is, is if it is a big deal to you, the person, you have to talk about it. And we'll go into like different ways to receive that. But truly, it's going to pass. It's going to be forgotten about. It's going to be looked at like, what the heck? I'm completely over this. And let me really talk about this with, like, employee relationship as well. How important it is to point out what you're thinking. What could have been done better, where you feel like, you know, the miscommunication was dropped, or where you guys were not communicating effectively right in the moment so that they can see, they can understand and you can show exactly what you're looking for in a more effective way, in a loving way.

So small things become big things unnecessarily if you don't address them right away.

They just build and build and build. And this is where relationships in work and in life collapse. I want you just to think about everybody on here. Just think about the last time something really fell through or a relationship really fell apart is probably because one of you wasn't actually saying how you feel and you weren't communicating how you need to be communicated to.

That's really true. As a matter of fact, I can think of two exact examples of this. Team members in the way back throwback pass And I guarantee they don't listen. And I'm not going to name them, but here's two really good examples of one we did well and one we did poorly. So one was an assistant where we knew that there were problems, but we didn't say anything and we just kept burying it, burying it, burying it. And those small problems became big for no reason. Like smoke became fire for no reason. And then it finally became so awkward that we're like tiptoeing around in our own house and trying to make them happy instead of them trying to do a good job for us. And everything about was awkward, including the ending. And listen, we were new to leadership, right? So everyone's got to kind of go through that rite of passage. So that's one where it ended, you know, more poorly than it had to, had we addressed it right away.

Yeah, I'm reading a great book right now called the Trillion Dollar Coach, and it talks so much about that that if, if you are not. If you have somebody like that who maybe is not showing up how you want at all, that is not on them, that is 1 million percent on you. It is because you have not coached them correctly, communicated correctly, or coached them out to, meaning they're no longer a fit for your company. They're bringing down morale, they're affecting the workplace, which means you're not being an effective leader, looking out for the business and the other employees, which is number one as well, and making sure that they also go on to something that they love. Like, that's actually being so selfish when you can tell someone is miserable and you're not telling them either.

Wow.

You know, have you ever thought about this? Because this is where you really thrive. Like maybe this career or, you know, are you, are you really happy here? Let's talk about it.

I remember banking, we had a saying, as I was taught, you know, leadership and management, all that, and it's what you just said. We're always either coaching them up or coaching them out. There is no neutral, like, why wouldn't you be coaching someone up if they're going to stay? And why wouldn't you be coaching them out if their time is expired? So we didn't do so well on that first example. The second example, though, I have where we did really well. Like later on in our leadership experience, we had somebody where we knew that this really talented person wanted to be working on totally different types of projects. And he, you know, he was literally working on other projects while we'd, like, travel for our projects. And he was on salary. And we addressed it right away and said, listen, this is not your preferred content. This is not what you enjoy doing. You love doing X, Y and Z with these other types of people and we really want to encourage you to do it. We gave him like a great severance and said, go off and do it and lean into those relationships that you're starting to create. And. And it ended really well. And he's thriving today where he should be thriving. And so that's a cool example of addressing it right away, not letting something small turn into something big, even though it could have. And it's a win, win situation because then we were able to bring people in that were interested in our subject matter and he was able to go off and work in the subject matter that he loves and he's thriving because of it.

It's so hard to do. I know we made that sound easy, but doing it in real time, like, that was a really tough one for me. We talked about that for weeks. Like, that really did take us weeks. Even though it was fast. Like, that was so fast. Like three weeks from the moment of like, okay, this is where we really need to look at what's going on here for this person as well. But that was hard.

Three weeks. I just want to let you know though, in the world of business is sometimes the equivalent of three minutes compared to letting something stew for three months.

Exactly. Oh, yeah. Three weeks is literally nothing, you guys. It was like moment of realization. What's this conversation going to look like? How do we want it to go? That's really important. Setting that intention, creating the conversation. I'm also reading about that in that book, Trillion Dollar Coach, that they've never had a conversation, positive or negative, without first planning it.

So number one was give feedback right away in the moment. What's number two?

Number two is honesty and openness builds trust. So actually giving this feedback in the moment is what is really going to build trust and make your partner, your employees, your co workers. It's really what is going to make them trust you and love you.

All the old say what you mean and mean what you say. Exactly. That makes it easier for people to read you and to trust you. Like, listen, if. If you're always saying things are okay, but they know it's not and you know it's not. That's actually like a form of lying and they're going to lose trust in you. They're not going to want to work hard for you. And I would say the same thing goes for relationships Right. Because we're talking about this parallel between business and relationships, how these three things affect both. If you're constantly telling me, no, everything's okay, but it's not, then I'm not going to trust that response anymore. And you don't do that, by the way. You're pretty damn good about just telling me when something's wrong and being cool when it's not.

And doesn't it feel better because you're never guessing what's going on in my head.

I never am tiptoeing around like, oh, I know there's something wrong. I'll probably find out in 12 hours, as we never had. That feels great.

Never.

I can trust in a moment that what I'm getting or what I'm seeing is what I'm getting.

Yeah. And you know what? I can definitely look back when I was younger and I've been in relationships, and even in the beginning of our relationship, I can tell you that my answer was, how are you? Oh, I'm fine. We're gonna play games. You have to figure this out. You have to try to, like, you know, say sorry for whatever shit you did that you have no idea and try to fix it. Like, what is that? That's not a relationship. And that's a lot of, like, really unhealthy workplaces. The passive aggressiveness that comes up when the person does not do the hard thing. And that is, number one, giving feedback. So doing it more often and being open and honest in the moment actually lets people really trust you and open up around you and be their best. And that is a sign of a really effective relationship in the workplace or in a relationship in general, is if people feel like they can be themselves around you, not afraid.

And I know, number three, that we're going to get to later is how to be open and honest. Because I just realized as you're saying this, I'm a walking metaphor my whole life for partially what to do and partially not what to do. So in other words, in high school, my nickname was Blunt, because I would just say everything that was on my mind directly.

Or is it because you smoked weed a lot?

It was because I said everything that was on my mind, mostly. And then in adult life, both in our business and in our marriage, I've been very, very blunt. I always say exactly what's on my mind. The problem is I don't always say it the right way. And for a lot of years, people would share with me, hey, it's not your message that's wrong. It's your delivery that's wrong. I remember you saying that to me a lot of times. Like, it's not that what you're saying is wrong, it's that your delivery is really piss poor. Yeah, right.

Like maybe 10 years worth, but.

So here's the silver lining before we get into, you know, the downside, the silver lining. And number two, what you're talking about is everybody. I think our team, I think you, my, you know, my mom, like everybody in my life, they sure as hell know exactly what's on my mind in the moment. And they never have to guess.

We sure do. It's gotten a lot better. Like a million times better. But that's, that's huge for me to always know what you think of, you know, what's going on or how we're treating each other.

But wouldn't you rather. Now remember we're gonna get to number three, but, you know, cleaning up the delivery. But wouldn't you rather know exactly what you're getting with me than have me be a passive aggressive partner or a passive aggressive leader?

Of course. I mean, for the most part.

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Okay, well, maybe that should bring us into number three. What's number three?

Number three is what gets recognized, gets repeated. It makes it easier to give the feedback because people are open and they feel better. What are you laughing at?

Sorry. I'm laughing right now because you've been recognizing a lot that I've been making a better effort at eating better and, you know, like, making better food choices and saying no to the other things. And when you said that, I realized you have been giving me a lot of recognition around, oh, I'm so proud of you for eating this or, oh, I've noticed you're not doing this anymore.

Babe, I'm proud of you.

Okay, guys, I'm on a serious mission to get fit.

So am I, though.

Like, it's gotten out of hand in 2020. This. Right now, as I record this, I'm probably a week into getting in better shape, but a week ago, I was in the worst shape that I can remember being in my adult life. Like, I'm not proud to say I was there.

I'm really in the same boat right now. But, I mean, let's be real. We had, you know, Covid for technically three weeks. So it was. It was like a one Two punch holidays, Covid. Now we're getting back.

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So what's your favorite?

My favorite is definitely the Pig Out Pigless pork rinds. They have 25 grams of protein and it's the original flavor. You guys, I don't feel bad when I eat a whole bag and I.

Do, I like those. But my favorite are the takeout meal in a bag puffs, and they got 21 grams of protein. It's literally like the cheese puffs you grew up with, only there's hella hot and there's barbecue and there's other flavors and it feels like you're eating the world's greatest Cheetos and it acts like a meal replacement.

Yeah.

I just wanna point out I am literally obsessed with the founder of this Bill Glaser. And I always talk about him. If you've heard me talk on any of my podcasts, he's been kind of mentoring me with light pink because this company is so amazing. But what I love the most is that it was built exactly like mine on a product that is obsession worthy. Like, Chris, you and I would be plowing through these even if we were not investors. I would have found them in Whole Foods because of course, like, the pigless pork rind would have jumped out at me and I would have known that you would have been like, what the hell are these? I want these. Right? And I would have got them.

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Yeah. Okay, so back into number three because I'm recognizing your fitness. So you're going to be, like, slaying it by summer with your, I'm going to do laundry on your abs.

Hold me accountable, you guys. Like, we have this beautiful pool in the backyard. We live in Arizona where it's hot. You're not allowed to wear clothes here after a certain month. So I have no choice but to get back to how fit I was and back to when you, you know, number three is recognize. What you recognize gets repeated. I gotta tell you, it actually does help me stick to it when you're pointing it out. So I was kind of joking before, but it truly does help me stick to it when you're like, Chris, I noticed you're doing this, Chris, I noticed you said no to this, Chris. That helps a lot.

Yeah, right down to, like, you know, I think if your partner is trying and you've been like, hey, you know, maybe my love. Love language is acts of service. Like, when you take out the trash, I actually take it personally. Like, it means a lot to me. I feel taken care of. This is why, you know, when you don't throw your stuff in the laundry, I feel like you're personally attacking me.

But it's true. I noticed you repeatedly recognize that, too.

Yeah, well, it's true. You recognize things in me. You're always saying things about my work ethic and you're always saying things about what type of, like, leader I'm being or whatever, that it makes me feel really good. And it is something that I'm like, wow, that's being recognized. I want to keep on doing that. So this is huge because number three is one of the biggest ones about what you recognize gets repeated because this also opens the trust door for feedback. So if you're giving positive recognition around everything that an employee or, you know, a coworker or your partner is doing, it's going to make it so much easier when you actually have to point something out that could improve. And this is really. Even the languaging I want you guys to start thinking of not what they're doing wrong. But where is there a place where they could, you know, improve?

I love doing this, actually. I had. Are you okay? Are you choking over there on your coffee? Okay, guys, Lori is choking. She's gonna be okay.

I'm fine. I know. I'm gonna come in with a raspy voice.

Oh, my God. I actually love doing this to our team. It comes naturally for me. Recognition. I love recognizing people, and it goes a long freaking way. Like, when I recognize Emily for doing things with enthusiasm or recognize Dakota for adding every little extra detail into our events, they then repeat that. So it feels good for me, it feels good for them, and it's better. You guys ready for this? In both relationships and in leadership, it's better to spend your time recognizing the good things so that they get repeated than talking about the bad things, trying to stop them from happening. Yeah.

Otherwise, here's the conversation. I feel like you're always pointing out my flaws, and it ends there, guys. That's the end of the conversation. And you guys are in a downward spiral.

So this goes back to when I was saying I was doing number two pretty good, because you'll always know what's on my mind. But my delivery was bad. And one of the things I've worked really hard at is starting with recognition of what's good. So when I have a tough conversation, I'll say, listen, I want to start with saying, I've seen an incredible improvement in X, Y, and Z, and that means the world. And because you've improved so well in X, Y, and Z, there's one more area that I think we need to talk about. And I'll go into what that area of opportunity is. And that delivery is so much better than when I used to be like, damn it, I'm so sick and tired of X, Y, and Z happening. Somebody better stop it right now. Like, that literally was my old leadership style. I remember once. This is so bad. When I worked in banking, I once poured a Red Bull in one of my employees lap.

Oh, my God. Wow. Guys.

I was very different leader back then. I mean, and so what you recognize gets rewarded.

Right?

Right.

I mean, it's very different. If the employee loves Red Bull, then it's like a Red Bull shower. Okay, I want to read this quote that again. It's because in the morning, I start with this book, the Trillion Dollar Coach. Right now it says, a coach is someone who tells you what you don' who has you see what you don't want to see, so you can be who you have always known you could be.

Oh, I freaking love that. I'm going to read that book next. You're loving it, aren't you?

Yeah, it's really good.

Our good friend Darren has been asking me to read it for a while, and then our good friend Randy literally gave it to you.

Talk about, like, shout out to Randy Garn.

Randy Garn. He's the man.

Yeah, he's amazing. Go for it.

All right, so why don't you go ahead and just read all three in a row so people can start to put a bonus.

So number one, everyone give feedback in the moment. Number two, honesty and openness builds trust. It is a pattern. Number three, what gets recognized gets repeated. Looking fly, babe. Eating salads.

That's me, Mr. Abs. Pretty soon.

Yeah.

And number four, getting those abs. Get 25% off your first order of outstanding food snacks by going to outstanding foods.com forward/lori and using code lori. That's L O R. I enjoy your snacks and thanks for listening, guys.

Looking like a snack.

Oh, I'm be looking like a snack. Bye Bye.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye bye.

Sam.