670. Q&A: Building Confidence

You'll never meet the part of yourself that's like, dying to come out. You'll never meet that part of yourself that you know is in there and is just like, yearning for more and for greatness and for knowledge and for excitement and fun. And it's like if you're not in those rooms and you're not feeling that, then you're actually not in the right rooms.

Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves, get ready to earn, own, and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me?

Here we go. Evans. Welcome back to Questionably Awesome. Thank you for being my co host. How many years have we been doing this?

10 years.

10. Wow. We are throwing it way back. 10 years tomorrow, everybody send us a cake. No, I don't even like cake. Please do not.

Please don't send any cake.

Oh, my God. What is it about, like, birthdays that you feel like you like? I feel like I have to have a cake and Chris needs a cake when really I don't want any of that at all.

I know, but I do go.

You do want it.

Yeah, but I don't. Because the way it makes me feel after and the way my pants are.

Is that cake? What, do you put the cake in your pants?

Yeah, I like to put cake in my pants. Just, it's something I.

Kick in your pants or is it your birthday? Possibly my birthday.

What are you up to?

Oh, you know, we were just talking about right before this, we as in you and I. We were talking about how we just learned, like, all these trends are out and thank God we learned on Instagram and Tick Tock, but I think I'm. I'm going against them. I don't like them. Tell me what you just told me.

Okay, well, I've had the side part since birth, but apparently you're not supposed to have a side part. If you have a side part, you're old.

So tell me about my colic when I part it in the middle and I look like I have two airplane wings flying out of my head and everything else lays flat except the hair in front like antennas.

Well, I don't know. Gen Z says no skinny jeans, no side part, and no lack of skinny jeans.

What are they wearing?

I don't know. I don't think they wear pants.

Oh, my God. You know what's happening? They're literally not going anywhere. And they're only on zoom. So they're like, no pants.

It's probably true.

Wait, why no skinny jeans? What are they wearing? Are they. Are we back to bell bottoms? Because guess what? I've been wearing those.

I love those.

Yeah, they're amazing. But what are they wearing? What? Those biker shorts?

Oh, yeah, I think they do wear biker shorts.

What about covering the rest of your leg? What if you live in a cold place?

I think it doesn't matter to them. It's all about. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Of all of the things that you just said. I'm angry about the skinny jeans. I knew about the side part from TikTok.

It's devastating to know you're growing older. But also I feel excited about it because I'm like, well, I'm still going to have my side part, which is because I love it.

Here's the thing. Like, if you, like, now I understand. Like, sometimes when I was younger, I'd look at older generations and be like, why wouldn't you just change that? Because they don't care and they don't want to and they think you look like an idiot. So as long as you look. I'm not planning on going to any. What is it? Gen? What? Gen? Are they Gen Z? Yeah. I'm not going to any Gen Z parties any day soon. So as soon as I go to those, I'll check in with you on what's Cool.

Cool. Keep me posted.

Okay. But as long as I'm with my other side part sisters, I'm totally fine. I. I do the middle part once in a while and it only looks good if I have a lot of hair paste in. And hair paste probably is out as well.

So what's hair paste?

Just like to keep my flyaways and stuff. Like, because I have my hair wants to part on the side, it's parted that way for this many years now.

Yeah.

And it's just like, it's. It revolts when I part it down the middle.

That's nice. I need to get some of that.

Hair paste until we're Moses. There is no parting of the red seas on this head. You know, there will need, like, a magical God staff to get this thing to part right. All right. What do you think, Evans? I'm. I'm a little angry. I'm moving on. I just got cute skinny jeans. That's why I'm upset.

Well, you're still gonna. You should still wear them. Don't let people tell you what to do.

And you know what I don't have. Maybe I have the legs for biker shorts. Someone's going to write in that I. You know, if you have legs, you can have the legs for biker shorts. I get it. I love myself, but I do not necessarily have those. Like, whenever I wear biker shorts, even a large size, they cut in at the bottom. And it looks like when you go to the. The sausage plant and they string up the. The sausages. Like, it just looks like I tied a string right there. I don't know how people have a smooth transition. I would love to know.

Me, too.

It's like wearing Spanx. Because I have the long Spanx.

Yeah.

That, like, go down to your knees.

Yeah.

The full suit.

Totally, totally. But then right at the bottom, it's.

Just like that little skin.

Yeah. Which is. You know what? Let's make that trendy. You know what's trending right now? Like, extra toppings. It's complete. Yeah. So there you go, everyone. Love yourself a little more today. And let's just trend that out. Okay. Should we hashtag that? Trend that out. I think trend that out. Let's move on from this. I. I literally can't even sound cool anymore. Okay. I don't think I ever did. So let's. What do you have for a quote? Wait. How's your life? It's snowing there again, huh? Oh, yeah.

It snowed last night while I was sleeping.

Who does that? Like a surprise. A surprise snowstorm. Rude.

I really was mad because I wanted to see it fall, but it was all. It was all done by the time I woke up.

You know, actually, I really liked when it would snow at night, so then during the day, I just. I didn't have to wear goggles on my walks in the Midwest, so. That's really great. You'll see. I have a feeling where you live, you'll see another. Another snowstorm, So.

I hope so.

Yes.

But it is really pretty.

It's so pretty. All right, so. Quote. Let me hear your quote.

Oh, this is from Young Pueblo.

Oh, nice. You're reading that book, obviously.

Adam just gave it to me.

Sweetheart, this is a poem.

It says sometimes we go back and repeat an old Mistake. Just so we can remember why we moved forward.

Oh, well, let's talk about my love life. From 18 to 21. I just kept forgetting over and over. Yep. I was like, oh, It's Friday. Had seven bears, maybe 10.

I've forgotten.

Let's go back.

Wrong people again and again.

Oh, man. It's because. It's a. Because Budweiser is an eraser. That's why. It should just say eraser on it. Like, whatever you want to erase till morning, then it's going to come back. It should say eraser, sledgehammer. Because that. I am not smart today. I'm not saying I'm super smart any other day, although I am. But.

Yes.

I just feel a little bit like I told you. I took some melatonin and it's really part of the. Yeah, part of the. The gerbil on this side of the wheel is. I think it's a hamster, apparently. I have gerbils.

No, my brother had gerbils growing up. Did you guys. That was like a thing in the 80s, in the 90s, I think.

Rodent pets. Rodent pets were a real trendy thing. I had a rabbit. A lot of friends said, oh, guinea pigs were so great. Like, yes. The way they're like. So my cousin, I believe she has no. She has hamsters. So when I was last up there this last summer, I had two hamsters just like, crawling all over my arms. And she's like, leave them. You can, like, walk around with them. So I was at her graduation party. Walking around like. Or standing around because they kind of. I was scared I was going to drop one and that would be devastating. And they were kind of like crawling around accessory. They were really nice. They were great. I was over them kind of quick, to be honest, because I felt really freaked out. But I was going to drop one. I was trying to have a cocktail with hamsters on my body.

I'm sorry. This is the best thing I've ever heard. Oh, my God. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Okay, sorry. Don't tell me. I don't know how to have a good time. So. So, yeah.

What's your quote?

You know, my quote's a great one from Dale Carnegie, and it is. Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Let's really read that again. That's not the end of the quote, but I had to stop there. Let's rewind. Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. Get busy with it. Not old at all, guys. So I can't. I literally need to read you this again, Evans, because I have a feeling that you're feeling pretty good right now, because you are in action. Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, please don't sit at home and look at mother trucking Instagram and think about what you could be doing and what she's doing. Go out and create a plan and get off of your stupid phone.

Yes.

That's Modern Dale. Modern Dale.

I need to get off Instagram. Why does it suck you in? Aren't you in action?

You're in massive action.

I'm in action, but I have still moments of inaction. And I'm like, what am I doing right now? And you catch yourself and you're like, stop. Stop it.

It's. It really is trying to figure out that Perfect. I. Trust me, like, I'm so busy over here in action. And then once in a while, I'm like, oh, I'll take a little brain break. Let me just look at what my friends are doing. Instead of looking at my amazing friends, I look at, you know, Sheila, who is in biker shorts and 10 years younger than me.

Yep.

And she's like, apparently started a new makeup company again for a billion dollars. And I'm like, what?

Maybe I just.

Maybe I just need some, like, lip gloss. Like, nobody has started, like, parmesan cheese flavored lip gloss, because I know my friends would like that.

That would be good. Adam would love that too.

I mean, I'm not gonna exclude the guys on that one. All right.

Don't let that. Don't let that idea go. Do you wanna. Do you wanna review?

I sure would love one.

Okay. This is from. Oh, my gosh. The username is Captivate the Room.

Whoa. Okay. We're already captivated. Eyes popping out of our heads.

Woohoo. Lori delivers such great gems for life that are real and relatable. I find myself constantly relating to the wisdom she shares on the show. Thank you for consistently delivering such great value.

Oh, my God. So freaking sweet. I literally don't know if that's true, but I love it. I'm gonna say it's true for today.

It's true. Once she hears that you can have hamsters on you when you drink cocktails, she's gonna love you even more.

I mean, I'm not advocating people go buy a lot of rodents because I. I'm not sure if that's trendy anymore or good. I can't keep up with this.

But it's what people did when we grew up.

But it's what people did and it's brought a lot of people joy. And here's the deal. If you have a rodent pet, just love them harder today, you know, so that's.

That's a great segue into building confidence, which is.

I feel like I could start a T shirt line for rodents with motivational sayings on them.

Honestly. You could.

Like, have you. Have you pet your ferret today? That's not motivational.

That sounds a little dirty. Have you pet your ferret? Hey.

Oh.

What?

Oh, I don't know. I think there's some. Some fun there, so I think there's some fun to be had there. Okay, what's the question?

Okay, this is from @Rolaty Rolly. How do you roll ity? How do you overcome being intimidated by being in the company of those you admire or more successful than you to.

Remember that that is the only company that's going to help you grow? Like, I think instead of going, I'm so uncomfortable. Celebrate that you got into a room that's going to make you evolve. Like, oh, this is what it feels like. I hit the jackpot. And if you're not in those rooms, let me tell you. So I've had a large chunk of my life in rooms where I go where I was just comfortable in my teens, early 20s. And it was just like, you'll never meet the part of yourself that's dying to come out. You'll never meet that part of yourself that you know is in there and is just like, yearning for more and for greatness and for knowledge and for excitement and fun. And it's like, if you're not in those rooms and you're not feeling that, then you're actually not in the right rooms. It doesn't mean that you can't be in those comfortable rooms part of the time. Right. But you need to make sure that you're visiting multiple rooms. So if you kind of look at your life, it's like, okay, here's a comfort room that you're going to need to go back to because you can't constantly be in the evolution room. It's like comfort, evolution, discipline, all of these different rooms that you have to visit each day and just remember, okay, have I visited this yet? Okay, this feeling is great. It's terrible, but it's great. Like, you need to just start switching the way you view it, and it's just like, when people used to ask me, like, how do you like working out? Like, how do you get to, like, the feeling working out? I'm like, I still don't love working out. Like, but what I say to myself is what I love. I start focusing on, like, man, you're going to, like, you're not going to feel anxious or depressed today because you're getting all these endorphins. And you, you're gonna feel so accomplished and you're gonna be so proud of yourself. And you know what it feels like when you don't take care of yourself. You can't. Like, you don't have enough energy for your dreams. You don't have enough energy for the people that you love. You're. You're snappy. So I really go, like, I. I'm saying that to myself right now. I'm about to go on a run after this, and I'm like, do you think I really love running? No. But I go and I'm like, I'm so proud of you. Like, this is what makes you feel really good during the day. This is what makes you feel like, you know, you're accomplished and you don't deal with those feelings of guilt. Cause that's awful. So you gotta. You just gotta reframe the rooms that you're in. What do you do?

That's a great. I love that thought, that visual. Let's see. What do I do when I'm in a room? Just try to keep my shoulders back. Honestly, sometimes, like, the physical part of being in a room with other people.

So good.

Yeah.

No, that is so good. Because your body informs your brain a lot of the times and we don't even realize it. I am so glad that you just said that because there have been. So when I'm in a room like that, I close up. Like, I cross my arms. I'll even cross. Like, I'll be standing kind of crossing my legs. And that's a protective, like, don't let it in. I'm so uncomfortable. So what? I. It's funny. I practice this all the time. I'll notice it, you know, like, take a deep breath and put my shoulders back. And I'll feel totally. Like, you almost feel naked or you almost feel, like, so vulnerable when you do that. But I uncross my legs. I kind of like, stomp my feet and plant them a little nut. So, like, people really know what I'm doing. But just kind of like get into my body and get present and be like, feel it. Like, lean in. Like Sheryl Sandberg the shit out of this moment. Like, just like, yeah, yeah, get in your body. Like, you're amazing. Like, look confident. And then maybe my brain will start to feel that way. Now it never does, but at least I look the part, you know? No, I'm just. Honestly, it's like letting myself feel uncomfortable and being like, this is so uncomfortable, but let this happen. Like, you don't need to protect yourself right now. You're awesome. You have to, like, tell yourself why you're awesome. And you also have to have a couple tools that make you awesome, such as listening. Have a couple great questions. The reason you're so scared in those rooms is because you think you're supposed to be smarter than them. These people do not care. They literally probably want to help you. Or they literally want to talk about themselves. Either one, because we all like that, right? So have a couple of good questions in your pocket and pull them out.

I like what your one question that you talk about a lot. When you ask people, like, what are you excited about right now? That's always a fun question.

That's such a good question. And I learned that from someone else, by the way. So literally just use that one and keep asking it.

Yeah.

So if they answer, be like, yeah, but what else? I mean, honestly, that'd be pretty funny. And you'd probably get to an extremely, like, connected, vulnerable place. If I kept asking you that for this whole hour, Evans, I mean, you'd get annoyed, but at the end you'd be like, honestly, let me tell you why I think I'm on this planet, and that's what I'm excited about. Do you know what I mean? Like, you would. It's like that question. I think we've. I don't know if we've done a podcast or I've done a podcast. I don't remember. They all blur together. When you're not on the podcast. I just talk to you anyway, like, Evans, what do you think? So about the question of, like. Like, what is your purpose? Or why are you here? I can't remember, but it's asking it, like, seven times.

Oh, yeah, I think we did do that. That was hard.

Yeah, Extremely hard. So maybe don't take that one to the. To a party if it's, you know. But they're like, I don't want to do more self development today. Please don't make me. But some people would love that. I know that I might love that if I just met you and you got into, like, kind of a, like, A almost a thicker, deeper conversation. I'm really. You know what? I'm sick of these shallow conversations. I want a thicker conversation.

I want a thicker one.

I'm gonna start using that word for when you say, like, deeper and see how people feel about it. I think that I might. Might have some people who walk away from me.

I think it would go over very well.

You know, I just love the thickness.

All right, so another question.

Yeah, you was getting awkward there. Were you breaking out in hives?

All right, not yet. Not yet.

Oh, great. Well, I can't tell under your turtleneck. Partial turtleneck.

This is from Melissa Wukinek. I'm sorry if I mispronounced your last name Melissa. How do I overcome people pleasing? I know I'm doing it, but I can't stop and need the validation on social media.

How do I stop people pleasing? First of all, you might have mispronounced her first name. It might have been like, malice. Oh, yeah.

Or one time I had a hairstylist who was spelled Melissa, but it was pronounced Melissia.

Oh, that's amazing.

That's a true story.

You know what? I really want to take my name that is spelled Lori and do like Lori, because I am over my basic bitch name. It's super basic. Like, I don't even know. It's like, I don't even know a lot of Lori's, and. Just kidding. Lori. If your name is Lori, I love you. I see you. But I wonder where that name came from, because when you look it up, it means taxi or truck. Well, you don't try to make me feel better. Let's get back to this. And, Lori, I see you. If you're listening to this, it's a lovely name. It's beautiful. But have you ever questioned, like, who else is named Lori?

I mean, I like the name Lori because Lori, to me, Lori is like, oh, you can call Lori. Like, call Lori.

I like that. Okay, that made me feel better. I'll take that. You ever said your name over and over so many times that it actually sounds like a foreign language? I did that once. And I remember where I was. I was sitting on the corner of my bed, and I was just like, what? It doesn't even sound like a word. I was young, okay? I was like, probably, like, 13. But I do remember the moment of, like, it turned into a different word, and it just sounded like I was. It sounded like I was squeezing Silly Putty or something. It just sounded strange, like foreign, like alien. Like, please give me that question again. I'm ashamed of myself this morning. Keep going.

Okay. The question is, how do I overcome people pleasing? She knows when she's doing it, and she can't stop. And she loves the validation. Oh.

Oh, this is interesting. I don't know why this just came up, but there. There was something that I wanted to do. There were a couple things I wanted to do that I knew people wouldn't like, such as dye my hair blonde. And I. If you guys don't know, I had my nose pierced for a while. Not the cute kind. Around your cute little nostril. I had the kind that was. What do you call that? It's actually, like, the center.

Oh, yeah. There's, like, a thing.

I had, like, the bull ring in my nose. Yeah. And this wasn't that long ago. This was only, like, three years ago, maybe four. And I literally remember before I dyed my hair, I was like, oh, people aren't gonna like this. Like, I know that sounds weird, but people start to like you for what you look like right now, and they, like, kind of just like, love that I was like, their brunette, like, you know, brand. And I know that sounds bizarre, but when I dyed my hair blonde, people were super upset. Like, I was getting inboxes, like, you're so fake now. I can't believe you did this. And I was like, but what about all these other people who dyed their hair when they were younger and now you just think they're blonde? And my mom was upset, like, because, so I'm Native American. So she called me, like, her little Pocahontas forever for years. And it just, like, literally, like, my mom was like, oh, you're not my, you know, my little Pocahontas anymore. And I was like, wow, okay. And I know that sounds bizarre, but, like, when you are something to someone and that's like, a loving, like, thing, I knew I was gonna disappoint a lot of people, and it was just very weird. I couldn't believe the attachment that people had to the identity that they gave to me. I didn't give it to me. They gave it to me. And this really. I did a lot of podcasts about this because I was super surprised at what happened. I was surprised and I knew. And then when I pierced my nose, I had people who said to me, you were so classy before this. I can't believe you did this. Like, I'm unfollowing you. This is. What. What kind of phase are you going through? This is really disappointing. Like, I had so many people. It was Insane. And I literally did that because I knew that I needed to deal with like I needed to love myself through whatever it was and follow through on something I wanted and not what other people perceived. So you are not responsible for the perceptions that other people have made up about you. And sometimes you have to go and do the thing that you've been wanting to do and like just let it roll, let it happen. Like for me, even right down to I knew that people liked certain, certain like levels of modesty and outfits for me, even though I wanted to wear this is so crazy. But come on you guys, I know you all get it. I, at Bliss Project I really wanted to wear this like shirt that kind of tied up and it was a little bit of a crop shirt with this high waisted skirt was the cutest ever. And I knew that some people wouldn't like that or like, because I was very, very like, you know, on stage I was like, big long dress, huge sweater. And then I was like, you know what? I wanna wear this. I feel really good. Like I love this. It's cute, it's trendy, it's adorable. I feel amazing in it. And I decided to use that. If you guys can't see what I'm doing and what you have to do is you have to figure out how to make something a practice of doing what you want and not pleasing other people and, and like letting it be okay and letting the opinions be okay of other people no matter what that is. So you know, is there something that you've done like that Evans, that where you've just been like I have to actually do this thing. You have to like not people please. In order to understand that you're actually putting yourself in a box and it's the box that they have decided for you.

Oh yeah, I remember. This is a really random example but.

In high school of mine with the.

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Also I want to say that's very rude to that those comments came your way. I just don't understand why people say mean things to other women like that.

I don't. I will never Understand that they were for me, though. Kind of. I mean, not kind of. They really were. And I do. I feel the same exact way as you. I will never understand it either, but there's actually a percentage of people's brains that are wired that way. It's like 25% of people, I believe. I just had Susan Sly on my podcast and was telling me, like, just will not agree with you. Like, they're just wired to disagree or debate or whatever that looks like. And it's like, it really was for me because I wouldn't have let go of opinions as much if that wouldn't have happened. So, okay, so you were in high school.

Oh, my story's really lame.

You don't think mine was? I mean, come on now.

Well, I wanted to do a school play before I graduated, and I am the worst. Like, I have a terrible voice. I don't know anything about plays, but I tried out for one. And you had to sing a song in front of the chorus teacher?

Yes. Amazing.

And I was, like, sang Happy Birthday because I had no song. Like, I didn't know. And of course I got, like, in the chorus, which is just like, the basic whatever. But it was so fun. And it wasn't, like, a cool thing or whatever, but I had the best time and learned so much and met new friends and, like, my parents came, and that was cool. They don't. Your parents, like, nobody cares. They think it's cool if you try something new. Just do it.

Oh, my gosh. Absolutely. I love that. And I literally can picture you singing Happy Birthday. And did you try, though? Like, when you sang Happy Birthday, like, did you try to make it good?

I did try, which was probably worse.

Were you like, happy birthday, dear.

I should have done that. I think I said it in, like, 10 seconds and then it's real.

I'm picturing you with, like, finger guns and all the swirls in your liquid voice and your liquid gold voice. You're like, oh, is this golden ribbon swirling around my eardrums right now, or is this Evan singing Happy Birthday? I can't tell. It's a fine line.

Golden ribbon around my eardrums. You are a poet.

Yeah, I've been told that by nobody. So thank you. Well, I think that we've reached that final destination point of the 26 minute mark. So.

Time to ride that gold ribbon out of here.

Ride that golden pony ribbon out of here. This has been a pleasure. A real joy. I feel elevated, elongated, expanded.

I feel thicker.

I feel thicker in all the right spots. So.

I hope everyone's confidence feels thicker.

I can see that it has grown thicker. You. There is a thickness out there that nobody can deny. All right, the dogs are barking. There's electricians here. It's time to go. I love you. Until next time, Evans. You guys, I'm so grateful for you. Thanks for staying tuned in this long. I really think our best jokes came at the end, so you got rewarded. Until next time. I hope we get to drink some wine with you someday. With. With hamsters or gerbils, either one. All right, Godspeed. Godspeed. Signing off. Goodbye, everyone.

Bye.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast.

I am so glad that you stopped by.

If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think.

Would love it, that would be absolutely.

Amazing and we would be forever grateful.

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