678. Q&A: Relationships

They talk to everyone but the person about the thing going on and that's just going to destroy the relationship when instead you could say, hey, you know, I don't know if this is just me, but this is how I'm feeling. So I want to make sure that we clear the air, we clear the energy, and I just bring it out because I never want this relationship to, you know, have resentment or not share where we're at.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model, turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Each week I'll bring you a guest or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me?

Here we go.

We're back.

We're back. We're doing the thing.

Doing the thing.

We're back.

We're doing the thing.

We're back. Doing the thing. Back, back, back. All right, everyone, we're cancelled. Welcome back to questionably awesome, where we're going to kill a few brain cells without anything chemically induced. Correct. I think that's exciting. Somebody just wrote me the other day. First, before I say this though, let's just say questionably awesome is the podcast episodes where Evans and I answer your questions and it's very questionable how you're going to feel about life after this episode and your current level of brain cel. So, you know, you and I just got together and we wanted to laugh and have fun and also drop some wisdom. First, I'm going to tell you my has been listening. And she was like, oh, my God, you guys are hilarious together. I don't know what you. I don't even understand who you turn into, but I like it. And I was like, what? I can't believe you listened to my podcast episode. That is crazy. And then, okay, number two, someone wrote me. And they were like, I didn't know what the hell I was listening to. The first time I tuned in, she was like, I literally said to myself, what is actually going on? And then I started listening and now they're my favorite. So I was like, you know, we often feel that way when we start recording. So if this is your first Time listening. Congratulations for having the tolerance to hang in here this long. I promise you it gets better and we can change your life once in a while, you know. Yeah, it's surprising.

It's kind of like diarrhea, but the.

Relief, it's like the roof of it. Yeah, like that. Like you're a little bit like, whoa. Like the kajunka junks happen and you're like, oh my God, what is about to happen? And then the other side, you're like, well, that's relieving. And I'm skinny now, so I lost £20 just now.

Thank you.

I mean, it's really similar. Evans. So how's your week? We're recording in the evening, which is really rare. We normally record at like 7:00am My time.

Yeah.

So instead of being a bit like crazy from just waking up, I'm crazy from an over caffeinated day today.

Did you drink coffee with caffeine in it?

I did, but here's the deal, that would have been fine, but I had the worst allergies today. So I took an Allegra D that already has like some caffeine in it. And then they were so bad and I had to speak on. I was doing like a big Zoom conference and I had to take another one. I can hardly get my words out. That's how cracked out I am right now. I took a second Allegra D which you're not supposed to do, like within 12 hours, the second one. Then I took Flonase, which I don't know if that has caffeine in it. And then I had super coffee. I can't talk right now. So it's a different. We're going to see how this changes the energy today, but I don't know if you're tired for the day, but I'm sending you some energy through screen time.

I can feel it. I can feel your energy and I really like it.

My eyes are popping out of my head and I haven't had Botox for a really long time, so my eyebrows are actually lifted up, which feels foreign.

I'd like to get some Botox. I want to just get those forehead creases. Just smooth them on out. Smooth them on out.

No, you sure don't need them. But one thing that I'll say, and whether you're anti Botox or not, I will say that it has been nice because I frown like a mother when I'm working and my eyebrows have been hurting lately and when you have Botox, they don't hurt. So this Is not an ad. Don't yell at me. Don't comment in the links. I'm not in the mood.

Just you do you, you do you.

You fast forward or get off this channel, you know? So with that said, how you feeling about life?

I'm feeling pretty good. And I'm really excited because I did something today.

What did you do?

Just something.

I got a manicure.

Oh, they look so good. Oh, she's got pink jewels.

Look at that. Look at these things. They're just. Let me tell you, I was like. And I know everyone has their opinions on, on going places, and I totally get that. And it's okay if you judge me for doing this, but it was a very safe place. And I was safe. I felt like a new person.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's really, it's so interesting, the world right now because it's very state by state, right? Like, everyone here is like, we're going everywhere. And then, you know, when I was living in California, I was like, I'm not going anywhere because number one, true. But your jewels look amazing. And, you know, because you're Southern, I think you call them rubies. Do you think that you would ever name an animal Ruby?

Do you know that Adam's niece is named Ruby?

That doesn't surprise me.

I know.

Wait, she's not Southern, though, is she?

No, but she's really cool.

I like the name.

Me too. I think Adam's grandmother was named Ruby Fern.

That's so old timey. Oh, my gosh. That's literally like if I walked into a historic museum and saw a beautiful picture of a woman in like an old time dress from the 1800s, I would literally say, I bet her name is Ruby Fern. And they'd be like, it is. And I'd be like, no way. It didn't change. I really liked to use the excuse of being tired in the morning. And it's just not so.

It's just who you are.

It's just who you are. We love it. Tell me, tell me, like a slice of wisdom from the week that you've picked up, because life is just a big lesson. And I think you and I both do a really good job of observing our emotions and how crazy they are and then making something of them. So what's something that you observed about yourself or in your life that now you've created a little, like, you're like, oh, interesting this week.

Oh, that is a great question. And it is that a lot of times when I'm working alone and by myself, For a long time, get ideas. And then I'll tell myself that they're stupid and I'll be really rude and mean to myself. And then like today, getting on a call with Lauren, and I'll be like, this is a really stupid idea, but I'm just gonna share it. And she's like, that's not a stupid idea. And just hearing, like, a lot of times it's easy to doubt yourself when you're working on your and don't really have someone to bounce ideas off of. But then when you say it out loud, it's like, actually, even if it is a stupid idea, you can get something out of it.

You know what's so interesting too? I love that so much. And I think that's important for people to hear because you also have to know your working style. Like, sometimes it's good to work alone for a little bit, but the second that you start to notice that, how can you support yourself around working in a group? It's really funny because you guys, if you don't know, Evan used to be my assistant a long time ago, and we just had this amazing relationship. And I'm actually so glad you're not my assistant so we can now have an even more amazing relationship. But with that said, I actually observed that, like, when you were alone for too long, just like me, it's kind of like your energy goes down, you know, because you work really good in team settings, and I do too. But small teams, it's important to support yourself with whatever that looks like. Whether that's, you know, a call a couple times a week, or getting in different groups where you guys kind of brainstorm together, going to, you know, when you can, or if you can go to like a wework or whatever that looks like, or just doing some group think once or twice a week, which is really, really powerful because I used to work alone all the time and I wondered what was wrong with me because I would not get work done. I'd go like, oh my God, I would do everything and anything but work. And I would be like, wow, you were in some serious resistance. And I literally, the one thing I can say is, as soon as you can hire someone who can be on your team as soon as you can. And you guys can work together part time or even like five or ten hours a week. Like, oh my gosh, it is.

Feeling other people's energy just makes such a difference.

It is insanely game changing. So hopefully you get to the place in your business where you're hiring like Maybe another copywriter or something to sit with you for five hours a week or something like that. And you guys just work together and bust everything out.

Yeah. And being at a cool wework and have, like, a female women business office.

Yes.

Girls only.

That's literally what everybody wants to do right now. So seriously, we're all craving, like, can somebody please come work with me? Okay, what's your quote?

Oh, my quote I found on Instagram. It's this really cute account called something that I don't remember right now, but I'll find it. But the quote is called emotions are just visitors.

Oh, I love that. I think of that a lot, actually. That there's permanent go and they're not who you are.

Yep.

You have fingernails. You're not a fingernail. You have sadness. You're not sad. You know?

Exactly. So Instagram is blessy. Bless the messy.

Oh, it clicked out. So I was like, cool. Bless you. All right, bless up. There are little geicos back here. They're running across the floor outside. Little geckos. Sorrow, not Geicos. Look at how trained I am. There are little car insurance salesmen running everywhere right now. Outside in Arizona. Okay, here's my quote. Because we know that our questions are around working together. I gave it away. Marty Plotnick. Don't know who this human is. Hope that is not in prison somewhere. Says, you better enjoy. Nobody knows what that even means. They're like, what does that even mean? We always try to make sure our people, we quote, are, like, upstanding citizens. And sometimes we can't do a full background check. Yes, I did not run a full background check on Marty, but he seems like a great guy. All right. You better enjoy working with each other. And you gotta have fun. You gotta enjoy each other. It's like getting married. You'll be spending more time with your business partner than your spouse when you calculate the hours, so you better enjoy it.

I'm just dying that Marty. Marty is right.

I just.

I love everything about the last two minutes.

Well, me too. Me too. All right. Do you have a review?

I do, and it is from Grow the Mindset Gal. Yeah. She says the podcast has helped me with my mindset and anxiety. It has pushed me to grow outside my comfort zone to start a blog and start my own podcasts. I also can't wait to read Lori's book. Thank you, Lori, for spreading so much love.

Oh, my gosh, the best. I literally was picturing. I was, like, waiting for her to be like. And if you two dumbasses can do this. Anyone can.

That's probably what she's thinking.

She's like, thank you so much for letting me see how much of an idiot you can be while still being successful.

We set the bar all the way down at the bottom just for others.

Not even a bar. It's like a trip wire.

You know what?

Set that tripwire, confuse them all, keep them guessing, and then just be like, bam, I experienced success.

Do you want a question?

Yeah. Because clearly this is starting to fizzle. Let's go.

Okay. This is from J J Kasha. I'm really sorry if I mispronounce your name. How do you work through conflict and keep the relationship strong?

What was it again?

How do you work through conflict and keep the relationship strong?

Your co host, Your co host or your business partner. Oh, gosh. I mean, I hold the belief and the just like life motto that you have to have the tough conversations as fast as you can. So I think the first thing I want to back up the trolley for a minute and just say that you can prevent a lot of the things that you might fear about having a business partner or a co host, and that will be by talking about what your boundaries are in the beginning, what your expectations are of yourself, of them, and writing up a contract. So what happens is that a lot of time friends get into business and they're like, we're fine. We've known each other forever, you know, or this is going to be great. But not knowing, like, what have you talked about what that's going to look like? Like, even with you, Evan's like, are you cool? Like, are you sure you're good with looking up the review and having that ready? Do you feel okay about that? Is that, you know, is that going to bug you or whatever that looks like having these conversations so that, you know, like, I know how I can call on you or I know how I can call on different business partners. I know what we are both expecting each other to do. And one of the big reasons that that is so important is it also allows you to show up in your highest self because you're never second guessing yourself that you're not doing enough. I know sometimes when I haven't outlined a contract or shared my expectations or shared my zone of genius or what I'm not good at. Sometimes when I just say yes to everything or like, yeah, I'll say yes to things I'm not good at, it's like I end up, like, not doing them or showing up not my best or coming in Late with different things and it just doesn't do well for either party. So a contract and expectation boundaries is as much for you as it is for them. And it really protects your relationship going in. I always tell people the more that you value your relationship, the more boundaries and contract you should have just like clear agreements around anything and everything. It doesn't have to be some 50 page contract. It just really needs to outline any tough scenarios. And even right down to sometimes it's good to have a final decision maker to figure that out. So I think that's the first way that you do it is to protect yourself and prevent yourself from even having to go to a lot of those places. And then of course, you're always going to have to go no matter what because you can't cover everything you're learning about each other. So I think it's always agreeing to have radical candor like the book Kim Scott talks about or that Kim Scott, I believe that's who it is, wrote that book and just having the tough conversations as soon as possible or what happens. I see it all the time. They talk to everyone but the person about the thing going on and that's just going to destroy the relationship. When instead you could say, hey, I don't know if this is just me, but this is how I'm feeling. So I want to make sure that we clear the air, we clear the energy and I just bring it out because I never want this relationship to have resentment or not share where we're at. So what do you think? How are you keeping your relationship with Adam and your co hosts?

I'm keeping. Oh, but what you said about it reminded me of Brene Brown. Quote, why am I stuttering? And she says clear is kind. She talks about that in one of her books. I think it's dare to lead. But that's a big thing with running. Like when you're managing a team or just working with a team. She always talks about the best kindest thing you can do is be clear.

Oh man, that is. That couldn't be more true. I think in just think about like your relationship with your best girlfriend or with your partner, spouse, whatever that is. Like, it is not nice to not tell someone how you're actually feeling because then you resent them and they don't know they can't fix the problem.

Right.

Anything about it. You're actually taking away the chance for them to make your relationship better and you're, you're actually putting them in the place of, you know, the decline. Like you're not allowing them to. To actually confront whatever that is or to work it out. So I think we nailed that one.

Nailed it. Do you want another one?

Thank you so much for your question, by the way. Thanks for letting us feel like we really accomplished good things in life.

You want one more? Okay. This is from Charity Majors. Charity wants to know, how do you protect business and friendship?

What's up, Charity? I think this is so much like the last question, actually. Business and friendship. I think so much of it is you're not necessarily going to have a contract and friendship, but I am so in this place of Evans, you and I do this all of the time. And I don't think we. I think we do realize that you'll know exactly what I'm going to. What I'm talking about after I say it, because I will have just talked about it.

Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait to know what's next.

Take more Allegra D Myself saying it. And I was like, that is so stupid. And I have to complete the thought. That was exactly what I'm talking about after I say it. Okay, so with that said, you and I, like, are both people, I think at least how you're showing up and I'm showing up in this relationship, like, we always check in with each other and we want to make sure that we kind of like, validate how we feel.

So.

And that's like, where are you at? Where are you at? Especially in the beginning. I think now we're both like, hey, I'm going to be here forever as long as you are. Like, we've actually, like written each other that in a text message.

Yes, that is true.

So I think in friendships, like, checking in as much as you need. Like, as much as you actually need. Because sometimes I need a lot more validation than other people in friendships because I've had some really rough goes at friendships. I've had like some abandonment things with different girls. And that has really. It still affects me. So for me, like, I will often, like, check back in with all of my friends after I do something or after I'm really vulnerable or I share something where really connecting. But maybe I shared something I don't tell a lot of people. Like, afterward I'll check back in and just be like, hey, just want to. Just want to say, like, I felt super vulnerable, but I know that that's like, you know, I felt really connected and just want to make sure, like, you know, we're either we're still good or that I didn't unload on you or whatever that looks like. And so I think that you need to say out loud what you need and how you feel more often than not, especially in really important relationships. And then your friend will know what you need as well. Like now that I know you really well, I'm kind of like, I feel like I know what you need so I can give that to you.

What about how do you balance the. When you're working with getting into new businesses with friends, how do you keep the boundary and keep it professional, but also maintain that friendship?

It's interesting because professional is such an interesting word when it comes to work because I think the old idea of like being professional at work actually, actually doesn't really work anymore if you want to run an authentic business. I can't hide myself from you or from Lauren or from the people I work with or from my audience. Like I don't know how to be professional and be myself. Do you know what I mean? Like I didn't. Like I'm a professional. Do you have a. Do you have a. What kind of a business suit? Foreign.

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Solve the crime.

All this crime mom, scene of the crime. So okay, I was going somewhere with this but I really honestly that I.

Think what you just said, those voices really answered the question. You don't have to be like a robot.

No, I think that you need to be able to share yourself. As long as you know you're not unloading and bringing problems.

You know, if you're going to share.

Something about yourself, always just have a solution based mindset. So even at work if there's something that needs to be solved and you're like hey, this is what I'm dealing with. These are the problems. Like I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not running this company right now with people thinking that I'm perfect. Like I more than anything want to.

Be.

Like I want my people around me to point out, you know, what could have felt better or what could have been done better and feel that they can approach me with that? So I think professionalism maybe can be just replaced with how can I, you know, respect them, you know, in that environment? Like, how can I respect. And I think that is through really understanding what their boundaries are, what, you know, what their zones of genius are, what they're not good at, having the tough conversations. I think we're just dealing in such a different workplace now, and there's still those environments that are a lot more professional. But I also think if you're really authentic and you have a lot of respect, you don't have to be quote, unquote professional. You can be you. So true, so true. And it's like, how can you make the workplace instead of you fitting in, like, how can you fit in yourself into that workplace and not lose yourself? And that's really when I think people thrive and start to move up. The latter quote, unquote, and like, you know, do all the things, but it feels opposite of what we've been taught. I just, I think the old way of business is, like, going to be. That'll be done in like, you know, five years.

I love that because I love what you said about changing it out with respect. Because you can still be yourself and respectful of everyone you work with.

Absolutely. You can still be yourself and be goofy or silly or joke. But know that during a business meeting, it's not the time to do that, you know, or maybe it is. Maybe that's the heart of the company or whatever it looks like. But just know your audience. People, like, just know where to do it and where not to. And sometimes that takes practice. Like, oh, that wasn't a good place to fart, huh? Sorry about that. Crop dusting is usually pretty funny at my house. Apparently in the meeting, it's not crop dusting.

Did your siblings ever toot underneath a blanket and then put the blanket on you?

Yeah. You know what that's called, right?

A Dutch oven.

Which, by the way, you don't even realize that when you get married, you actually want a Dutch oven on your registry. And they're expensive. All this time you think Dutch ovens are bad.

They're not.

Dutch ovens are free and they're bad. And then you're like, wait, this is actually a highly sought after kitchen, you utensil appliance accessory.

I can't even speak. Allegra has changed you.

I feel like a new woman. I feel like I've been baptized by my allergy pill. I wouldn't recommend going and taking a lot of them. And this is not an Allegra ad, but if you have seasonal allergies, it is my favorite.

Yeah, you got to do what you got to do.

You sure do. All right, you guys, we are so grateful for you. Thanks for tuning in to another episode, another life changing episode of questionably awesome. And we hope that you're not questioning anything else about yourself and that you have a lot of confidence. Confidence after listening to us.

Yes. You're amazing.

You can do anything that you want.

Bye, Evans. Bye, Lori.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought and honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys.

Bye. Bye Sa.