756. Q&A: Building a Tribe in Your Same Season of Life

Letting go of the expectation that friends are supposed to be with you for a lifetime is powerful in finding friends that can be with you for a lifetime.

Welcome to the Earn your Happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of Light Pink, best selling author, three time fitness world champion, and I'm a crazy, multi passionate entrepreneur. My journey has taken me everywhere from being a broke waitress, barista, retails associate and personal trainer with massive anxiety and no belief in myself to later becoming a multimillionaire in love with my life. In 2007, my husband and I lost everything. We found ourselves hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt at rock bottom. We had no ideas and I had no education to fall back on. This is when I found personal development and learned everything I could about business. Not by choice, but because I realized no one was coming to save me. The conversations on this podcast are going to let you know that you're not.

Alone and that we all feel like we don't know what we're doing.

We're going to give you the tools to help you face your fears, take action, start your business, and grow those massive dreams that are keeping you up at night. It's time to create a life that you can't hide from and put so much on the line that your higher self is forced to come out. You're going to stop waiting for someone to approve of you and you're going to anoint yourself. Because I'm obsessed about building businesses that give women a platform, I want to feature you. So if you text the word podcast to 310-496-8363, you can get your questions answered on our Q and A segment along with a shout out. And if you rate, review and subscribe to this podcast, we're choosing someone every month to get coached and featured on our show. It just might be you. So let's get started.

Hey everyone, welcome back to Questionably Awesome. I have my co host here, Evans, and I wish you could hear some of our conversation right before we hit record. It's pretty much researching quotes, saying this, this quote sucks. Why do so many quotes suck? And then finding one that we say, I like this one. It might be stupid, but we'll see.

We'll see how it lands.

With that said, you know we left off last week and you had mentioned that you think that going to coffee with people is some sound advice. So I had asked you for your words of wisdom at the very end and you said, I think everyone just needs to go to coffee with someone and I want to know why oh, Because.

Okay. Coffee is a lot better than committing to, like, a dinner or a meal, because you can be like, oh, I've had my coffee. Gotta run. Yeah.

Especially if you get diarrhea.

Yeah, especially if you get diarrhea. You've got your out, and we need to connect to people, and it's a good way to meet someone for the first time. And coffee places have a lot of distractions, so if you get nervous and can't talk, there's good background noise.

Oh, I like that. So you definitely want to go to a coffee place that's busy. Yeah. Really awkward if it's not.

Do you have a favorite?

Okay. Did this come from going to coffee with someone?

I do have a coffee set up for next week.

Okay.

Who's that? I'm really excited. Oh, it's a girl I've never met.

So exciting.

Internet.

Oh, my gosh. It's where I meet a lot of people, so that's where I meet all my friends.

Now.

Do you remember? I don't know.

Were you.

Were you working for me at this time? When it was. I would go every Monday to Orange Theory, and then I would set up coffee afterward.

What? No. That's so cool.

So I did this for like a year. Like, not every single Monday, but I probably had coffee with someone one out of three weeks for like a year. So I found it was just a really easy way to, like, meet people. I'd be like, so I'd invite them to Orange Theory and then coffee after. Or if they didn't like to work out, they would just meet me for coffee right after by the Orange Theory that I was at. And I'd be like, hey, I'm gonna be super sweaty. But if you wanna go have coffee for 30 minutes, then I would just say, 30 minutes.

Love it.

And, you know, if we were having a great coffee date, then I'd be like, hey, I have some extra time. You know, Marty. Marty B. Just canceled. I wouldn't say that, but.

Marty B.

Like, Cardi B. Cardi B. Just canceled. Which sounds like such an LA thing.

Yes, I love it.

Probably say that and people would believe me, but I would just, you know. And I had many that were like, just no chemistry. And I also feel like, you know, if I maybe gave it more time or whatever, maybe we could have chemistry. But it was kind of like speed dating for friends. And I can say that I think I got maybe one or two people that I still talk to. I know one for sure. It was not from the Orange Theory thing. But it was a coffee date who is still totally in my life. My husband is like best friends with her husband. So, I mean, great things can come from speed dating friends. You just never know. So I probably went with, I don't know, maybe. Maybe 40, maybe 50 people throughout the time, the whole time that I did it. But it was. It was such a. And I probably only, like I said, only got like the one or two. But it was such a great experience and just like getting used to talking to people and being uncomfortable and just like, hey. And letting. Letting that moment just be that moment. So if it wasn't more than that just being like, it was so nice to meet you. If I think of anyone for what you're doing, I'll send them your way, you know, Then that's it. Like, they probably didn't feel it either. And I think I had a couple people ask after that. But if I wasn't feeling it, I was just kind of like, you know, I let it. I let it fizzle.

Right? It really is like dating.

It's totally dating. Like, it's friends. Making friends now might be even weirder than dating because it's kind of like people are so in their life that when people ask them to do something like, what do you want from me? Is kind of like. Is kind of the feeling. And I even like, sometimes when people ask me to do things, I'm like, this is random. Like, you gotta tell me why you want what you want out of this experience. Because at this point in my life, unfortunately, if I'm being super honest, I don't have time for more friends. But if it's something that can coincide with what I'm doing or could complement it, or we could work together or we could scale something, like that's what I'm into. So that might sound super cold and harsh, but I just don't have time to nurture a relationship that I don't know where we're going. And yes, I still have time for people. If it randomly, I'm like, wow, we just hit it off. We have the best time. We like to adventure together, but it's still like, I'm not gonna go try to figure that out if I'm not sure if we're even hitting it off yet.

You know, yes, there's more intention and purpose now.

Yeah. Cause you have less time. And I wanna, you know, the very little time that I have and that you have and that we all have, I want to spend it with my husband and my family. And then the Few handful. I'm talking, like, one hand full of friends who you have that one extra hour for every few weeks, you know, or those three extra hours to go to dinner. It's just. There's not a lot of time to play with there. Totally, Totally. Did I answer? Did we. Was this a question or.

This was just.

This was just coffee. Okay, what's your quote?

Okay, my quote is from Rachel Wolchen. I'm not sure who she is, but she says, I am light, I am limitless. I lack nothing.

Oh, I love that. That's a great mantra. Should wake up to that. You should wake Adam up to that tomorrow. Just scream it from bed.

He'll love that.

He would love it.

That's cool.

That's cool. I'm gonna try it. He would love. I just love him. Okay. Mine doesn't have a person that it was by. It just says, a simple hello could lead to a million things. And I kind of love that because it coincides with the coffee thing. I think just like a simple want to go to coffee could lead to a million things. The person you are, like, working out next to @Orangetheory. If you said, wanna grab a coffee after this? If not, no worries. Like, trust me, I know this could be weird. Don't worry about it. I do this all the time, so. See what I did there? Let them off the hook. Let them off the hook. Don't be weird. They're gonna avoid you, and they're probably gonna stop going to that gym so you won't see them next Monday. With that said, if you let them off the hook and they say, yes, that could be your next business partner. That could be your next lover. That could be your next. Who even knows? Okay. You don't know.

I love the word lover.

I think it's the best word ever. It's like something. It's something you could say, say in normal social situations. But also, it's weird.

It is weird, but I also like it.

Yeah.

Like, when you're like, this is my friend, my lover, my business partner. You should introduce Adam that way.

I really want to do that now. Be like, oh, this is my lover. Adam.

Every single get together you go to, like, especially the new ones in the South. I for sure. I for sure want you to be like, this is my best friend. This is my husband, and this is my lover. My lover. But do that Southern. That Southern accent that I love of yours. Do the one.

My love, my love, My love.

My lover, Adam. And see how he responds. I don't Care about the people. They're going to think it's. They're going to act like it's not weird. But I want to see how Adam responds. He just. I could see a huge smile and have him be like, like, yeah, I.

Think you just go along with it.

Yeah, I definitely think so, too. Okay, so we've got our quotes. Do you have a review?

Yes, and it's from Taylormo249. She's a new listener.

Oh, I love this. She says hopefully she stays.

Hopefully she's still around after this. I found this podcast a week or so ago, and I love it. I love the energy throughout the messages that are given, and I love how short and sweet a lot of the episodes are. They're easy to follow and fun to listen to. I also appreciate the relation to fitness that is referenced every so often. Thanks for a great podcast, Taylor.

I mean, now we're going to just. We're going to relate everything to fitness just for you for the rest of this podcast. So we'll be fitting this in just for you. We're doing reps. We're doing reps just for you. Thank you so much for writing that review, especially as a new listener. Like, that takes time.

Like, yeah, that was really nice.

It really is. Like, I have gone and written reviews multiple times for friends, and I know that it's a thing. It's like you gotta flex a muscle to get there. I did it.

Oh, you did that organically.

I didn't even. I just love that my brain did that. Do you have a question?

You want a question? Yeah. Okay. Whoa. This is weird because it has to do with our coffee talk earlier.

Oh, my gosh. It's just the universe is conspiracy in every.

This is from Peyton Adams, and I love her name. So do I. She's currently reading your book, and she loves all the information you're providing. She's still struggling with finding people she would want to start a tribe with because her past friends have moved on to different seasons in their lives and she feels really alone. I'm trying to put myself out there to meet new people, but it has been hard as a new mom. Do you have any advice?

Yeah, I. You know, the older that I'm getting, the more I realize that people who are old say that a lot to give themselves value.

Friends.

The older that I'm getting. And then something wise is supposed to come after this. I would definitely say that the letting go of the expectation that friends are supposed to be with you for a lifetime is powerful in Finding friends that can be with you for a lifetime. So I think that it's kind of like we have this friend checklist. You know, that you had those friends from your past. They were your friends for a certain reason. Maybe you met them because you were all lumped into an experience you had to go through together. And that's how friends are usually made. You've gone through. Even the coffee stuff is so hard to make a friend. Cause after that, you're not forced to go play volleyball together against other teams and do bonding activities like we typically maybe had growing up. Or they weren't in your church or in, you know, they weren't your parents friends. So every Friday night they came over and you end up just having to play with them. So you became friends through this, through time. So there's experience, there's time, you know, there's shared things that you're going through. So I would say right now, if you look for a friend group or for friends and outreach to people who are kind of going through similar things as you, knowing you don't have to be friends with these people forever, but you're probably going to get some really great value and some sound advice and maybe some great, you know, connections and things like that through what you're looking for. So I know you said right now the season of being a mom, you know, and maybe that's new, and you connect with people who are like, hey, you know, this is a new season for both of us. Do you want to just do this thing together? Go through this book together and let them off the hook as well and just be like, hey, I'm just looking for some people who are going through the same things as me right now that maybe we can talk about our shared experience. And you're not asking them to be your friend forever. You're asking them to go through an experience with you. And if you come out the other side and you're like, this person sucks, you can totally just let that be the experience. The book. Thank you so much for going through that with me. That was amazing. And call it a day. This is where women struggle. Men are so much better at this than us. We think that if we've been friends with them or gone through something with them, we have to carry them for the rest of our life, meaning we have to stay in touch with them. It's not nice to just kind of let that friendship be what it was, and we should be interested and try to stay in their lives. And that's certainly not the case. For every new experience, a new season that you're in, you're probably gonna have to actually get a new group of friends. So it'd be like saying you're in basketball for a few years and now you're, you know that you want to pivot into volleyball and you have to bring your whole damn basketball team with you because you went through an experience with them. Like, no, you're done with basketball. You're now a volleyball player. And now your, your tribe is gonna be volleyball players. Like that's how it works. Like, okay, you were an author. Now you are going into a product company. Your tribe is changing from authors and maybe speakers to, you know, people and product companies. Because this is what you want to talk about now. This is what you want to do. This is what you want to be surrounded by.

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Mean that you haven't stayed friends with one or two of them. It means you don't have time for the whole group. So, you know, many people can transfer over, but many people will not. And I think that, I think that I love my life so much now because I've let go of thinking that I have to do that and just letting it be. And it goes back to. I think it was. I think it was kind of what I quoted last week about. Sometimes you're gonna play the villain in someone's life and that might mean that you're not friends with these people that you went through a season with and it just doesn't align with your new season or your new beliefs or there's no energy left there and it feels like a drag. And sometimes you have to lovingly let go of those relationships. And that might mean that you have to play that villain in their life and it might be the best thing for them because they're gonna have to let go of relationships in the future. And you might be the lesson of, oh, I get it now. I understand that she was moving into a new arena in her life and didn't have the time or space for the old things that we were Doing or for the old ways of. Or other things we were talking about. So relationships are so layered and dynamic. I would love to hear Evan's, like, some of your, like, insight on that.

Oh, I just think. Well, I already think that Peyton would be a really cool friend because she does stuff like read books on friendship, so she's obviously like a cool person to hang out with. So I would just. Like, when I moved to Indy, what I tried to do or what I did do was find a women's group that I could join that, like, people that got involved in the community and that helped me to have something on my calendar, like a meeting where I would actually have to go and then. So maybe she could find. Remember in Santa Monica, like, there were. There were a lot of moms you'd see, like in these stroller meetups that would do these workouts.

Totally.

Maybe there's one of those in her city. Or like, you could find some kind of mom meetup if you wanted to hang out with other moms. I think that. I don't know.

I love that. I think it's brilliant. And just like we talked about with coffee, you got to give it time. Like, you might go to the stroller meetup and be like, hate all these women. Yeah, they just. They're like in their little stroller group and they're talking about X, Y and Z. But I guarantee there is a Mary in there. There's a Tiffany who's just like, I like these ladies and I'm here for the social time so that I'm not feeling depressed or anxious at home. But I want someone who likes to read books and talk about higher level things. So give it some time and find the Tiffany's.

You know, Tiffany's out there.

She is. And she's cool and I wanted that name cause of Tiffany. Amber Thiessen from Saved by the Bell.

Oh, she's so pretty.

Oh, she was just the greatest. I'm sure she still is. I just haven't seen her lately in anything. Me neither.

But she had fabulous hair.

She was amazing. Kelly Kapowski. That would. That was a great name too.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm so grateful for you. We recorded two podcasts in a row, so we're gonna just. We're gonna call it quits on this one.

That was great. That was great.

I loved it. I loved it. And I just wanna thank Taylor again for finding the. Or asking that question.

Wait, did she.

She gave the review and then who just asked the last question? What was her name?

Peyton Adams. Did.

Yeah. Taylor and Peyton, thank you so much for making this podcast. Oh, my gosh. They should find each other. You should say their handles again. Wouldn't that be crazy? Say their handles. Maybe they'll find each other if they listen to this.

Okay, well, they, Peyton Adams. I don't have her handle, but that's her name. And then taylormo249. Maybe you guys, I don't know, maybe.

You guys can hook it up. Hook it up. You never know. Friends are lovers. Just kidding. Never know.

All right.

You never know. Whatever. All right, everyone, thank you so much for listening as always. We hope that this inspired, delighted, and maybe some other emotions that we don't know about that you could leave in a review. And until next time, we will see you next week.

Bye, Evans. Bye, Lori.