78: END Your BODY and FOOD BATTLES with Samantha Skelly

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Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul, and get focused and clear. Clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the earn your happy podcast. I'm so thrilled to have Samantha Skelly on the show. She is Canada's leading emotional eating expert and the founder of Hungry for Happiness, a movement to support women around the world who are suffering from disordered eating and body image issues. We cover so many topics around this, and not only that, we go into so many different branches of our life and relationships and just different things that perhaps we don't realize are the root cause of a lot of emotional eating and suffering around that. So, without further ado, let's get started. Samantha, thank you so much for coming on the show today. I so appreciate you.

You're so welcome. I'm super excited for this conversation.

So we have a mutual friend in common, and I actually know that whoever Liz Dialto sends my way, I'm so excited to chat with. And I could tell immediately, just from the few seconds we got to talk for this, that I immediately have a soul connection. So I'm very excited to dive in. So for people who maybe don't know your story or know about you yet, I would love if you would tell us a little bit about yourself, your story, and how you started doing what you do now.

Yeah, absolutely. So my story starts basically when I was like, four years old. Let's start there. I was a child actress and I was a dancer, and I was a stunt double for the majority of my childhood. So when I. I wasn't on a stage, I was in front of the camera. And it was interesting. You know, a lot of kids at school were like, wow, you have such a cool life. But for me, that was just what I did. I was just a performer. And so a lot of my childhood was spent on set. A lot of it was spent going to auditions, you know, performing, dancing, all of that, all that kind of stuff. When I was 14, I got casted in a show Called Smallville. Do you guys have Smallville down here? I don't. Is that maybe just a Canadian thing?

I remember it. Yes, you do.

Okay. Okay. So I did stunt work for Smallville. And so I was so immersed in that world. I was so immersed in performance. And when I was 18, I hit this wall where I was like, I don't really know who I am besides a dancer and an actress. I'm like, I need to go figure my life out and go do that. So rather than going to university, I just asked my parents. I'm like, mom, dad, I want to create my education through traveling. And so they agreed. And so when I was 18, I went traveling. I moved to Australia and decided that I was going to start my life there and just go explore. So when I went to Australia, I went through this very interesting emotional time where I had completely lost my significance. I was no longer a dancer, I was no longer an actress. I was just some random 18 year old girl traveling the world, trying to find herself. And I realized that through that journey, I became ruthlessly obsessed with the relationship I had to food and to my body. I became an obsessive dieter. I could not eat like a normal person. I was so obsessed with every single calorie that entered into my body. I mean, we're talking if I had 100 calories more than what I was quote, unquote, supposed to have that day, I would do an insane amount of jumping jacks before bed so I could burn off the calories that I consumed through that day. And so it got to be very obsessive to the point where I found myself in the hospital because I was eating like 4 tablespoons of yogurt a day and with like a little bit of granola. And that was the darkest time, was when I was in Australia and I was just, you know, gosh, so, so upset with my body. I was so small and yet I was still thinking I was, I was, I was overweight. And when I couldn't restrict anymore, then I would just use food as a drug and I would just eat everything in sight because I knew that eventually one day I would, you know, one day as in the next week I would be back on this restrictive craziness again. So that cycle of like restricting and binging and restricting and binging went on for so long. And at the time that this was all going on, I was, I was a personal trainer as well. I left Australia, I moved to England and I started a personal training company. And so I was very out of Alignment, like helping people with their health. When behind the scenes, I was struggling so much with the relationship I had to my body, and I could not, you know, 20 times a day I would weigh myself. You know, the number on the scale just told me, okay, you're worth, you're worthy to stay, or this day or you're not. And it was just. It was so indicative of how I would feel that day. And so it was always a sliding scale. And I was constantly looking for validation and significance outside of myself. So after about four years of this, it's one of those things as well that you think that no one notices. You think that, you know, it's like your hidden little secret because there's so much shame and so much guilt around it. And so. So I thought I was doing a really good job at hiding it from the world. And one of my girlfriends just said to me one day, she goes, sam, you know what? You're not really fooling anybody. She said, everyone knows that this is something that's causing you so much pain, so much distress, so much self hatred, and we're here to help. And it was in that moment that I'm like, oh, my God, I need to do something about this now. I need to truly figure out what, why this is going on before I ruin the rest of my life. So I moved back to Vancouver, Canada, where I'm from. And I just decided that the next three years of my life is going to be spent towards really figuring out what I was actually hungry for, really figuring out how I'd gotten myself so deep into this and just going on a healing mission. So I just eliminated everything in my life that was not in alignment with me, figuring it out and figuring out what was going on. And that included boys and all sorts of distractions that I distracted myself with. And three years later, I finally felt for the first time in my life, I could look in a mirror and just not cringe. You know, I wasn't obsessed about the scale, and I could finally just, like, look at food and be like, oh, this is fuel. This is really good for me. Like, I'm excited to nourish my body. And so after feeling that freedom and liberation that I discovered and I felt, I just knew that this is my mission and this is my message, and I needed to get this out in a huge way. So October 2014, which is two years ago, hungry for Happiness was born. And here we are today.

Thank you so much for sharing that. I think no matter who you are, whether you're dealing with Any sort of issue whatsoever. Body image, binge eating, under eating, trying to find that balance, whatever it is. I think everybody can relate on some level to that, to connecting our worthiness to our bodies, and that can be really intense. I so relate to that. Just when you said you were talking about how, you know, when you weren't a dancer or an actress, it's like, well, who am I now? I remember. Oh, my gosh, it's so intense. So, you know, we tie so much of who we are to exactly what we're doing in that moment, forgetting that we have so much value. So how did you. Do you find that when you really started in those three years on that search, was it really maybe focusing on what value you had in other areas? Or were you building that up? Or what did you start doing to start shifting?

So the very first thing I did was I was going to see a coach about it, and he was like, okay, you need to start meditating. You need to start spending time by yourself, closing your eyes and just getting into your body. And for somebody that's been running away from their body and fearing their body for so long, that was the most confronting thing that I've ever had to do. And for months, literally months, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. And I was just blank face, lying, going to the sessions, being like, yeah, yeah, no, that meditation thing is really going well. It's great. And then I'm like, oh, my God, nothing's changing. What's going on? So basically I was like, okay, fine, I need to figure this out. I need to allow myself just to get into my body, no matter how painful it is. Because what happened was I had built up so much, so many pain barriers in my body that the thought of being in my body was so painful at the time. So I just. I was like, okay, I gotta do this. I can remember myself just sitting down there, my legs were crossed. I'm like, okay, breathing into my body, like, feeling into my body. And I did that every single day for, like, months without feeling any of that intuition that people talk about. I was so disconnected from that. I'm like. I'm like, I don't have one of these intuition things that everyone else on the planet has. I swear there's no connection here between mind and body, head and heart. And after just being so diligent and just, like, allowing myself to feel again, I finally felt that glimmer of, okay, wow, my body. There is something going down there. There is. You know, I do have access to this inner guidance that I just denied for so long. And then I started to like really be okay with just sitting in the crap and the pain and just really sit with that, which was something like as soon as I would feel the pain, I would use food or I would over exercise or I would distract myself or I would go shopping or I would go online shopping or whatever it was. And I can remember just sitting there with it going, wow, this is what pain feels like. This is what it feels like. And it was giving me an opportunity to just use that pain as a catalyst for growth and just get hyper curious about what is really going on here. My body's communicating something to me and this emotion that I'm feeling is simply just information. What is the lesson here? What do I need to learn? So it really started from a place of like getting silent, creating space, and then getting so curious about what my body was truly trying to communicate to me.

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Oh, love that. So what were the lessons? Because I know so many people are probably going to either they're starting to do this or they're starting to. You know, when we feel the pain, we do want to run. But how do we, how do we hang in there? Is there a journaling practice or what were you feeling?

So something that comes up for me when you ask that question is a huge block I had. And for those people listening, I'm sure they can resonate with this a lot. Acceptance is not synonymous to being complacent. So in my mind I was like, if I accept myself, then I'm not going to change. If I accept myself that I'm just going to gain £300 and own 5,000 cats and not have any friends. That was literally the extreme of what I went to. And so I had a fear in acceptance. I'm like, if I'm okay with my body and there's nothing to fix, then what am I going to work on there was that fear. So that's the biggest thing is the lesson was like, how can I just be okay with what is? How can I just love what is? I actually just got a tattoo last week that says, loving what is. And that was so much a part of my journey is like, loving what is. I'm going to love myself at this weight. I don't care if it's £20 above or £20 below. Whatever it is, I'm just going to find anything I can right in this moment about my body. Maybe it's my fingernails, maybe it's the beat of my heart, maybe it's the shine of my hair, but whatever it is, just really focusing on what can I do with right now to feel in full acceptance. And what we focus on expands. So I just. I just kept focusing on that every single day. Like, okay, what did I really appreciate today? What did I so appreciate about my body today? The way it moved, the way it looked, the way I felt. What was it? And I just started creating this, like, this snowball momentum of this positive energy, which was so counterintuitive to anything I had felt for the last five years. And then after. After that, the second thing. The second thing I really had to learn was if I'm going to trust myself again, I can't trust the part of me that I've trusted, quote, unquote, in the past. The ego, the personality. Right? Because that part of me has let me down in the past. And I know there's a deeper, more profound part, the soul of who I am, that is so capable of guiding my human experience. And if I believe it and I allow it and I allow that guide me, then I can start rebuilding the trust and creating mini trust agreements so I can stay in integrity, and then that can grow as well. So I started just being silly and finding little things that I could do to be integrity with myself. Like, okay, I'm going to commit to, say, drinking a glass of water every single morning. I'd wake up and I'd drink a glass of water. And then I was basically reframing my brain to say, oh, no, Sam, you are trustworthy. You are trustworthy. Because going into this healing journey, my story was, I can't trust myself. I have no willpower. I'm never going to change. That was my story. So I had to kind of, like, trick myself into building up this integrity. And then as I started to build it, I just found bigger and bigger things that I could use my body to trust myself with.

This is so Great. Literally, I find that I use so many of the tools that you're saying without even being able to put them into words. So I love that you are really making them specific for everybody. I found even this weekend, when I travel a lot, I had this. I used to have this old mantra of. Of oh, man, when I travel, it's like I just seek comfort and I eat and I, you know, I don't sleep well. And this was just repeating in my head. So you can imagine how I feel about travel, right? It's like my arch nemesis. So this last weekend, I was traveling and speaking, and although I definitely feel I used food for more comfort throughout the weekend, it was almost like I didn't. I was like, I'm enjoying myself and I was focusing on how I was staying with a friend, and I was just focusing on how good of a friend I could be. Like, you're just an amazing friend. Like, you give amazing hugs. You can really use your body to make people feel amazing and focus on them and be interested. And I found, like, even though I didn't feel, I gotta be honest, I didn't feel great because I had been doing a lot of traveling, I still really found when I came home, I was not remotely beating myself up. Where in the past it would have been like, oh, my gosh, it's Monday, it's grind time. I gotta get back because I don't have. Have a lot of time until my next trip. So. That's so beautiful. Thank you for putting that into words. So I love the body acceptance part two. Do you have something that you say that you maybe have rituals around every single day around body acceptance?

The question I ask myself is, how can I be the highest, best, and most authentic version of who I am? And what does that look like in the moment? So, you know, our thoughts create feelings. Our thoughts create feelings. And a lot of my clients just don't yet see the leverage of what those thoughts do. So we have this core belief, right? So say the core belief is I am not worthy. That core belief of I am not worthy is then transcended into thought. So we're thinking it. We're thinking it all day long, right? We're finding evidence as to why we're not worthy in various things that then evokes us certain feeling, right? So we're feeling unworthy. Like, what is that feeling of unworthy? It's like that low vibrating feeling. Shame, guilt, heaviness. Like, ugh, you know, that, like, sticky feeling. That sticky feeling. Our actions are going to be the result of that sticky feeling and which will then transcend, to transcend into our behaviors. So our behaviors are all a result of a core belief. So when we're like, oh, why did I do this? Or how does this, why is my life like this? We kind of go into victim mode. It's very easy to trace it back. Okay, well, that action was a result of this feeling, which was a result of this thought, which was a result of this core belief. So if we can truly get real with what are we actually believing about ourselves? What is the truth of what we're believing? And we can just simply become an observer of those beliefs, knowing that, number one, most of those beliefs aren't ours, they're inherited and we're just holding onto them. And number two, we have all the power and ability to be able to. To shift those beliefs. I love that story that you said about traveling. We have the ability to just be like, oh, that belief's not working for me because it's making me feel like this. I'm going to change my story, to change my thoughts, feelings and actions. And so you came home and you were just so much more compassionate, empathetic towards yourself. And we as humans have the ability to do that. And I truly believe that's like the ultimate level of self mastery when we know that we're so empowered to be able to make those decisions.

So what is the most transformative thing that you think that you have ever done on this path?

That's such a great question. For my clients or for myself?

Let's do both. Let's do for you first.

Okay, so for me first, the most. The thing that I credit the most to is doing whatever I want. Doing whatever I want. For so much of my life, I was such a people pleaser. I gave and gave and gave. I put myself last. I would sacrifice my human experience to benefit other people. And at the end of the day, what was I telling myself? I'm not worthy of having that kind of experience. I'm not worthy of that love. I'm not worthy of asking for what I want. I'm not worthy of receiving what I want. And so I was massively blocked because I just fundamentally didn't believe I was worth it. So the lesson of, of you're allowed to want what you want. You're allowed to feel into what feels good and take action to get there. You're allowed to set boundaries for other people to get what you want. And that for me is just like such a freeing feeling. Being able to Just ask for it. Knowing that I probably not always going to get what I want, but I can always ask for what I want and I'm always so deserving of what I want. It's a beautiful thing. I no longer feel the need to just, just please other people, to seek love, which was something that I used to always do. I didn't feel it within me. So I would mold and make myself into a chameleon. So I'd be like, come on, love me. And there's no need for that now because all the love that I could possibly want is within me. And so I can just be free knowing that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I'm so supported and I'm so loved. So that is a huge, huge thing for me. Yeah.

Awesome. So do you find that when you were. And we'll get into most transformative thing for your clients as well, but do you find that when you were, you know, replacing basically your old patterns with whatever you want to do now, what did that look like? Was it really replacing? So maybe when you would sit in the funk or dwell in the yuck or go and do those habits that, you know, bring you down to this place where you just no energy, you feel awful, we're self sabotaging. Is it a replacement factor? Are you going out and doing these other things that you love or what did you do in those. In the moments when you're just in it and you find yourself. Because I've been there, right? You were talking to like probably your, your twin in a different, in a different way. But when you are just in that place of crazy and the voice is the loudest thing you've ever heard, do you have like a, a disruptive thing that you can do to stop that?

So the two things I'm going to touch on here is I never replace, I just add. So when you think of like, okay, I can't do that, but I'm going to do this instead. And there's that replacing thing. I'm not going to eat that bag of chips, but I'm going to go to the gym. That type of mentality is harder because it activates that scarcity part of us, which is so socially conditioned in us, right. We live in a world that's truly rooted in scarcity and perfectionism. So when, when we think about something being taken away from us, it activates every defense mechanism in us. But. Or. And when we think about just adding things in that are more in alignment with who we actually are and the direction that we're going, that satisfies our defense mechanism, that satisfies the ego. So in those states where you're like, I'm in such a funk right now, leaning into what feels good for you, if we can shift that feeling at a core level, and I can feel my best right now, number one one, focusing on what that feeling is. As humans, we have this beautiful ability to, in moments, shift our energy from a low vibrating energy, shame, guilt, whatever it is, into joy, liberation, freedom. We have that ability and we switch that through what we focus on. So when we're finding ourselves on the verge of a binge, or on the verge of wanting to over exercise, or on the verge of restriction, or on the verge of maybe a total angry freak out, what we're truly craving in that moment is a state change. When we're binge eating, what's really going on there is we have an emotional buildup that we've not yet dealt with. And so we're using food as a drug to numb that emotion because we have not yet cultivated the courage to move through it. So our bodies are like, okay, state change. We need a state change. Let's do this, let's do this really quickly. And we all know food temporarily puts a band aid on a bulletin for us. So it's about creating the space to recognize what's actually going on in that moment. And so breathing the breath is such a beautiful mechanism to connect mind and body, head and heart, really get grounded into our bodies and just taking space. So that's the first thing, just taking space and using your breath. Number two is talking to that pain, talking to that anger, talking to that anxiety. Like, okay, I feel you in my body right now. I feel you, you everywhere. My body. From my toes to my fingers, in my head. I know my chest is beating, my body's getting hot. Like, what is it? What is it that you're needing? I'm here to love you, I'm here to support you. I'm on your team. What is it that you need right now in this moment and getting curious about the answer. And maybe that's lying on the floor, looking up to the blank ceiling and just being. Maybe that's going for a nature walk. Maybe that's connection. Maybe that's just, you know, water, like whatever that is. But if we can create that relationship where we're interacting with our pain, we're interacting with our emotion, and we're, we're uniting with it, then we can truly serve it from a place of soul. Rather than distracting ourselves or numbing it out or doing anything else.

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Oh, this is really power. You're bringing me back to a really crazy time in my life. And I, I, I just want to share just so people can totally relate. It's like, so vivid for me right now because you're describing so beautifully in detail and really getting to the root, which is amazing. I think this is going to help so many people. So there was a time right before I really started taking a lot of action on the different things that I wanted to be doing in my life. But there was so much fear there and unworthiness, and I was so worried about my value and people wouldn't think I was, was smart enough or whatever that story is that's going on in your head at that time. And for me, it was that moment of going from victim mode to knowing that I was using it as a crutch. Like, I was totally in that space of just not wanting to take the action because I was too afraid and too worried what other people would say. So I just kept falling back on. I'm not smart enough, I'm not educated enough, I'm not good enough. I'm this, I'm that. And it was the place of knowing I didn't that moment when I knew, like, when you start accepting it of, of, I can take this action, but I don't want to. Like, it was a moment of Accepting, wow, I just don't want to because other people have made this happen. I know that I could. I know that it's just fear that I'm not facing. And accepting that was beautiful. But it also started to trigger, like, wow, I just realized that I just am too lazy to do this, and I'm too scared. Like, these were the thoughts in my head. And. And, like, you had said the thing that I started to do, even though I had so many moments of, you know, binge eating, freakouts, tantrums. Like, I. I worked at home, so I was alone a lot. Not a good thing, you guys. Not always a good thing. So I started taking myself on walks. Like, in those moments, like, you just need to get out in nature, like, go do something loving for yourself, because right now, you just want to, like, beat yourself up in any way possible. So thank you for that. That's amazing. Just putting your finger really on that, like, the space you said taking space. And I have to say, that was the number one thing for me, was learning to provide myself space in those moments of where I could go down the dark hole of sabotage or just buy myself some time and figure out what was really going on. And take yourself for a walk.

Absolutely. We're so conditioned to distract ourselves in times of pain. And it can be something as simple as sitting on the edge of your bed and staring at a bl. Wall. You know? Like, I'm sure, like, if someone followed me around with a camera, they'd probably think I was a crazy person. But when we. When we can just manage our. Like, as soon as I have a feeling of anxiety, I'm like, okay, if I allow this to just, like, stay there without me addressing it and without me clearing it and be getting and honoring it, it's going to suppress, like, what. What you resist persists. So sometimes I'm like, oh, gosh. Whoa. What's that coming from? Okay, cool. Let me just sit here. Let me stare at this blank wall. Or maybe I'll grab my journal, and I'll just, like, kind of take inventory. I'll take data of, like, what's going on. Is it my business? Is it a client? Is it, you know, something from my childhood? Is it something in the future that I'm scared about? And, you know, I'll just. I'll just really talk it out. I'm a super vocal person, so when I'm. When I'm doing this, like, inventory of my anxiety, I'll talk it out because it makes it super clear. And if I'm If I'm angry as well, and I need to process anger, I'll just scream my head off, because that's. I'm just a vocal person. But when we can learn to really be proactive rather than reactive of our emotions, we are able to derail. Using food as a drug, we're able to derail. Maybe if wine is your thing or whatever it is, we're able to just not distract, not deny ourselves that opportunity to grow and really settle into that pain. Knowing that it's there to help us, is there to give us leverage to become that. The best versions of who we are.

There's so much looking back, I just really. I think the number one thing that I've been able to do is transform that pain. Because pain has been such a catalyst for me to finally allow myself to say, you know, this pain is. Is here because it's trying to tell me something. What is this trying to tell me? And really figure out exactly what that voice is. And I've been able to. I think one of the biggest things that I. Because I'm always trying to figure out and share, I'm sure, just like you, it sounds like, especially if you vocalize, you're, you know, trying to figure out what it is, it makes a. For a beautiful teacher as well, because you can figure that out. But for me, being able to also see what is going to cause pain has been really big. So I've been able to, you know, maybe look at the choices I'm making right now, and how is that going to affect me? 3 months, 6 months? And do I really want to deal with the intense pain that could come from those choices? So because we're so good at numbing, right? So we don't think about that. It's like today, right now, this is what I want. I want another wine night. I want to do this. I want to skip that. And then I think about the pain of tomorrow. I'm like, no, thank you. I'm good. I've been there.

Absolutely. And really, Lori, at the end of the day, those decisions come down. So I call those micro decisions. It's like I'm making a micro decision right now to bring myself closer or farther away from who I've committed to be. And that comes down to standards. What truly is your standard for who you want to be? Because if it's high and you truly want to live out your best life, but you're making these micro decisions that is taking you farther and farther and farther away, then there's something out of alignment. You're not being integral to your word. So I think it's really a process of just questioning, okay, if I have this wine tonight, what's gonna happen tomorrow? Am I going to be able to show up and serve in the way that I'm committed to? And if the answer is y, yes, cool. If the answer is no, then maybe that's not the right decision. So it's about that. Constantly questioning and being curious about our decisions.

I had that question on Monday. I was like, okay, you drank wine all weekend if you have wine tonight? Because I really wanted it again. Once I have it, I'm like, this is amazing and so much fun. And then Monday came and I was like, if I have this wine tonight, what am I going to do? And I answered, you're going to have it again tomorrow. And I said, okay, we're to going good. We're gonna just turn it off right now. So, you know, I enjoyed it. Let's just enjoy it for what it was. And I have these conversations with myself all of the time. It's just constantly projecting and seeing, like, what is this decision going to bring? So I love that. And how about for clients? Most transformative thing that you feel you've seen with clients.

So this is really interesting and this is a beautiful part of my work. A lot of the women that come to me because I deal with not so much the restrictive anorexic bulimia side, but I'm very more focused on using food as a drug. Women who are caught up in that diet binge cycle, they can't eat like a normal person. They're constantly using food and they don't know why. 60 to 70% of the women I work with have a history of sexual trauma or sexual abuse. And they don't realize when they come to work with me that their addiction to food is simply a way of creating a physical barrier to intimacy. So they're not vulnerable. They don't know that. They have no idea. And so for the majority of their lives, they've been putting band aids on bullet wounds with restrictive dieting and over exercising and doing weight loss trends and juice cleanses and pills and this and that and the other, not realizing and of course, then gaining it all back because they have not yet looked at the core emotional reason as to why they're overweight. And so that for me, it's beautiful for me, and it's healing for them to be able to just look at that in a bright light, knowing that they're safe to talk about it, because a lot of times they don't talk about it and heal through that. And so then weight release then becomes the result of doing the work and not the focus like they've been doing in the past, because in the past they've been running away from their bodies, taking action out of fear, taking forced action, doing these thousand calorie diets a day, all that kind of stuff. And then when they give in the towel or when they throw in the towel, then they gain all the way back more, and they come to me just overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated. So at their wit's end. And then when we look at what's actually the problem and we shift the that, it's a beautiful release. So that is probably like educating clients in that and helping them heal through that is probably the most transformational thing I get to do.

That's beautiful. So when people are setting. So this brings up an interesting question, so I would love to hear just what is, especially for people dealing with everything that we're chatting about, what is a way. Because people are going to. They're probably always going to want to either make body goals like you were talking about. It's not that you're, you know, gonna gain £300 or whatever that is if you don't, you know, focus on being a certain way, being a certain weight, getting a certain physical goal. But how does one maybe still focus on if they want to be fit or they want to be strong, or do you have them visualize an idea of a healthy body? Or is it. But just generally, they're really focusing on the actions of loving yourself. How does that work?

I love this question. This is fantastic. There's the difference between forced action and inspired action. Forced action is diet mentality, counting calories, weighing yourself, measuring yourself, all of that very heady stuff that we do. Then there's inspired action, which is the journey I take my clients on. Bring them to a place where I'm like, tell me exactly what you want. What kind of body do you want? How do you want to feel in your body when you look in the mirror? How do you want to feel when you're having conversations? How do you want to feel when you're putting your clothes on in the morning, when you're taking a shower, when you're having sex, when you're doing all the things that you do? How do you want to feel? And do you fundamentally, absolutely, with absolute certainty, believe that you can get there? That's where we started, is that we create not even an intention, but an expectation of what they are going to achieve. And that's where the magic comes in, is like, when we can feel it before we have evidence of it. That is how we get there. Because if when we raise ourselves to that vibration and we are so clear with what we want and we expect ourselves to have it, then by virtue of doing that, we raise our expectations and we begin to attract that into our lives. Because. Because we have conditioned our minds to do that. So it all starts in our mind. Yes, of course, loving yourself is a component of that. But it's interesting because so many people, when I say, okay, if I were to say, okay, it's time to love yourself, that's like someone saying to me, okay, it's time to speak Japanese. I'm like, I don't know. I have never done that. Like, don't tell me. I don't even know how to say that. So it's loving yourself is the theme. But it's like, we can't focus on that because that doesn't make sense to people. They're like, I don't get it. I've been hating myself for so long, and I've been shaming myself to get skinny and all this kind of stuff. So we really have to focus on the tangible things that we can do every single day to really shift our mindset and really focus on what we want. And so every single morning, waking up and acting as if. Acting as if we're already there. Try it on for size. How does that feel? Who do you need to become to get there? Those are the questions that we need to start asking ourselves. And by virtue of doing that, we believe that that is 100% what is going to happen now. I get to do this journey to get there. I get to release the emotional weight that I'm carrying to then release the physical weight that is on my body. Because physical weight on our body is simply just a representation of what we're holding onto emotionally.

That is truly everything. Like, acting as if how you want to feel. It is the story of my. And it's so, so crazy to see it in action. Literally, I'll know a day where I am, like, vibrating super high. Maybe I feel like I am just madly in love with my husband. I'm in love with life. Like, it doesn't even. I've forgotten what my body even looks like because I'm in such an amazing. Just. I feel so good. And it's so crazy because I do this all the time.

I'll.

I'll notice that if I go for a run that day. I will get random high five vibes all of the time. Random people smile at me. I'm not even kidding. One day I was in such a high, like, beautiful place. I had this great meditation, amazing prayer. I was, like, levitating through the day. Just so connected. And like, so I live in Santa Monica, and there's so many homeless people where I go and run. And they were, like, walking up to me, smiling and coming towards me. I'm like, whoa, Maybe I need to, like, shut this down a little bit.

Because I need to just guard just a tiny bit.

It was like I was a magnet. And I was thinking, this is so. I'm so aware of that, though, that when I feel that way, people smile at me, people hold the door, people give me high fives. I'm like, this is so insane. And when I'm really low, nobody's even. Nobody's looking. I'm not sending out that energy. I'm very closed off. It's really crazy. So I really try to notice what's going on around me and what people are doing when I'm in that place.

Oh, my gosh, that's incredible. And basically what you're doing is you're just allowing miracles to come into your life, unblocking the channels which constrict miracles from getting into our life. Because in that state, you're not doubting your worth. You're not fearing anything. You're just in a state of abundance and joy and bliss, and you're operating with the flow of universal laws, not against them. So the universe is like, hey, wow, Lori is a fantastic channel for me to dump some miracles in right now, because she's open, she's receptive, she's in a state of Alaska allowance. Let's do this. And so in that state, you're like, oh, my gosh, the universe is so abundant and I'm in such a state to just receive all of this abundance. And it's beautiful. But when we doubt that, that magic that we all have access to, when we. When we're fearing it, when we're focusing on it going wrong or we're in scarcity mindset, the universe is like, ooh, that's not really a safe container for me to dump this mirror, these miracles in right now. I'm gonna move on to the next person. So, yeah, it happened, happens. It's. It's beautiful.

So you said something amazing. Well, you said a lot of amazing things.

But.

But when we share. When we share what happens, it's like we. We hold these things in so we're so, you know, when we don't share, when we're quiet, when we think we're going through this alone, when we're super. We feel so shameful when this is something that's dark and we don't want it, we think with that, we're. I mean, I can't tell you the amounts of people that listen to, you know, know podcasts and obviously who probably come to you for the work that you do and think that they're alone. So what happens when we share?

It's so beautiful. So how I start off all my society, which is my group program, is we all get on a call and we read out our letters. So I say, ladies, I want you to write a letter from your future self to who you are today and write them a letter as if you're already there. It's already done. And so we get on this call and we. And for so many women, it's the first time that, number one, that they've admitted that they've had a problem, and number two, that they've believed or thought that they could be anywhere but where they are in that moment. And it is just so beautiful when we can get in community and we can heal through a problem that we're all going through. For me, it was such a solo mission. The fight was a solo mission, and most of the recovery was also a solo mission. And so. So it's the most freeing feeling when we can be like, hey, I'm going through this, and you are, too. Amazing. Let's team up. Let's be soul sisters. We're in this together. Let's raise the feminine consciousness through this group, which will then trickle to the rest of the planet. And just, let's all do this together and go on this transformational journey as one. And so we feel supported. We are quite literally starving for connection and community today. We really are. I live in San Diego right now, and here is where I feel the most community. And it's so beautiful. And I feel when I'm down here that I can take so many risks and become the best version of myself and just really allow myself to shine because I feel so supported in this community. And when we have that feeling within a group of women, it's just. They become unstoppable. It's so beautiful.

It just reminded me I have two girls right now who are really looking for a community in San Diego. And I was like, there's so many women down there. I have to connect you. So I'll have to connect you guys.

They're amazing.

They, like, just got drawn to San Diego. I mean, weird. Not weird at all.

Yeah.

Okay, let's do it.

Let's do it.

All right. So how important? I know we talked about this a little bit, but I just want to hit this home. The importance of what we're saying in our head, in languaging. Because I really. Words carry energy. They carry. I mean, it's so insane what happens with the languaging that we're using. So how can we really start noticing it? What do we want to watch in our vocabulary? How can we be loving observers?

Yes, Loving observers. I love that. A ritual that I do when I'm feeling anxious, when I'm feeling on edge, I just grab my journal and I just do free writing. And so I'll just write down everything that's coming to my mind. Like your. Whatever it is. Like the nastiest, darkest, most horrible stuff that's going through my mind, I'll just get it out on paper, and then I'll just go through the process and be like, is that really true, Sam? Is that really true? Where did you learn that? That's silly. That's not who you are. That's not in alignment with your authentic self. How can we now reframe that? How can we reframe that thought into something more powerful? And so when we take space and we do this and we rewire these thoughts when we think it the next time, we've already done that. Like that grounding process of switching it. So we're like, oh, no, no, no, that doesn't feel good. This is my new thought. And so this is a practice. You don't do it one time, and you're cured and you never have bad thoughts again. When you are experiencing feelings of anxiety and tension and stress that is perpetuated by your thoughts, just sit down and just free write whatever comes to mind. Don't judge yourself. You're simply, just like you said, Lori, a loving observer of those thoughts that are going on. Because so often those thoughts are just. You're creating this warm, safe bed for these thoughts, and you don't own them. They're not a part of you. They're just programmed into you at the moment and are dictating your behavior, but they're not who you actually are. And that's why they feel so sticky and horrible. Taking time and just, like, getting it out and asking yourself, is that true? Is that who I really am? And nine times out of 10, it's like, nope, that's not, that's not. There's no truth, there's no merit, there's no evidence behind that. Let me create a better story.

So do you still have triggers and what do you do to either avoid or. Yes.

Oh my God, yeah, absolutely. So I know when I'm feeling low or stressed out, food and body is where I, I go first and foremost. So I either am like, oh God, I feel fat or let me where's the chocolate? And so I know I've not doubled down on my self care if I am feeling in that state of wanting to mindlessly eat or shame my body. So then it's just a process of like what have I not done? I'm very aware and clear that I need to have a very dialed in morning routine every single morning to get myself into a state where I am most able to serve, most able to welcome in miracles, most able to feel loved, most able to contribute, to be a good friend, to be a good daughter, et cetera. And I notice if I don't do that, I feel shaky. I feel like something's not quite here right now. When I feel triggered, it's just a process of like, okay, what have I not done? How have I not honored myself? And what can I do right now to get back in alignment, to get back on the self love train and just really be vibrating at a higher level. Because I know the cost in me not taking proactive action and allowing that to just manifest into a overeating or shaming my body and hating my body.

That's so hit home. Because that always answers my question. Always. It's like what am I not doing? And I will tell you. My number ones are, it's like you're not sleeping enough. Because sleep is, sleep is like my number one. I've figured it out. If I'm not sleeping, I am like, you don't really want to meet me. Yeah, it's like the difference between like I love life and myself and I feel like I'm totally balanced for the most part. And it's like without that I feel crazy. So it's knowing that I either need to look at my day and take a nap or get to bed earlier or drink more water or you know, just self love, self care things take more time for myself. Yeah, just beautiful self love rituals. So what are some things for you that really are recharging you right now?

So should I walk you through my morning routine? Yes.

Love it.

So I get up about 5:30 and I do 10, 10 seconds of just like moving my body so like high knees, jumping jacks, whatever it is. And then I hop in the shower, in like a freezing cold shower for about a minute, moisturize my body and then I do 20 minutes of meditation, 20 minutes of reading, 20 minutes of writing. And then I look at my daily goals, my weekly goals, my monthly goals, and then do my affirmations. So that takes about two hours. And so that's, that's my commitment in the morning. And then in the evening it's a little bit more chill. I just do some reading and, and focus on gratitude. And so those are like, that's like my padding to my day. And as long as I dial those things in in the morning and the evening, it doesn't really matter what happens in my day. I'm generally fairly happy as you, your days are probably like this, I'm sure, like you just sometimes you just never know what's going to come at you and hit you. And there's, you know, all sorts of fun things as an entrepreneur. So that morning consistency is super important to me. And I realized that over the last couple years I've really suppressed my for expression and particularly in the form of comedy and dancing. I grew up as a dancer, of course, so building Hungry for Happiness, I was like, oh no, I can't do that. I need to be a businesswoman. I need to focus, I need to not, I need to not take comedy class. I need to just focus on building this mission. And I realized that that was actually doing my business a disservice by me suppressing that desire. So it's really important to me that if I feel the need to, to dance or take a stand up comedy class or I love film, I love writing scripts and that kind of thing. So doing those sort of things that are not directly related to Hungry for Happiness actually really supports it because I'm happier and I just feel more energized.

So yeah, we're living a parallel life, just so you know, for real. Like when you just said that I, for a while, while I was building this business, I just was just like, you know what? I have to grind to be taken seriously. I just need to work, work, work and do this. And I did nothing fun. And I was like, I'm fine, I'm good. No, I don't even need that because when I do that, I'm like totally over here feeling guilty and like, I should do this and should do that. So it was horrible, right? So now it's like, I hit this point where I'm like, I am not doing anything fun. I love to laugh. I love to be super active. And I just wasn't. I was suppressing, just like you said. And that. That was so not fun. It's like, if you're not having fun, why are we doing this? So that was a huge point for me where it's like, I'm not being of service to people when I'm like this. And what am I showing them? That you can. If you want to be a successful businesswoman, you have to be miserable. No, I don't think so.

So, absolutely. And it's interesting because my belief was, Sam, you deal with eating disorders, you can't do comedy or, you know, it's like you deal with disordered eating. That's really, really serious. But actually, my clients get the biggest breakthroug when I'm just being a goof and I'm being silly. And in our webinars, I'm telling jokes, and I'm bringing the light into a fairly. Not dark, but fairly heavy topic that's riddled with shame. And if I can bring some lightness and comedy into that environment, it actually is one of the best ways to help women heal, because it's perspective, and they see it. They're like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I was actually doing that. And so by virtue of me bringing my entire self to the table, they benefit. So, yeah, it's. It's. It's really. And that goes back to like, what do you want? What do you actually want? Like, I really want to perform. I really want to be on stage. I really want to dance, and that kind of. Kind of thing. So it's. It's just. It's what's good for you. For what's good for you, it's good for the world. My coach. My coach always says that to me.

Oh, and it's so true. And that actually, that's a whole other piece to everything that we're talking about is when I really started to do the things that I love. I wasn't craving food to fill the void.

Yes. Do you notice, like, I'm sure the listeners, they can. They probably this will resonate, but when you have a day where you wake up and you're with friends and you're at the beach and you do this and that, and everything's super connected, and there's community and there's friends around, you're so emotionally full, you're like, I forgot to eat Today, or like, oh, we haven't eaten today, and it's like 4 o' clock and I'm not even hungry. It's because you're so happy and fulfilled. And then the days where you're, like, moping around around the house, kind of feeling sorry for yourself, that's when you, like, look in the fridge 52 times to see if there's, like, anything new that's in there. So our states are just like, totally. It's like, is that an emotional hunger cue or a physical hunger cue? So, yeah, it's interesting.

And that brings something else up that I was just coming to realize right now is, you know, in the past, I used to relate having a social life to having to eat or having to just kind of like, numb out within, maybe going out or the conversation or what we were doing. But I just realized now that my friendships and what we do have changed so much that now, to me, the social life is actually the thing that is really keeping me charged up and happy and full. And it's because I'm connecting with different people and we're doing things and having really fulfilling conversations where before it's like, I was like, okay, well, I have to drink two to three glasses of wine to really start having fun and feel like I'm not anxious and to figure out what the hell I can talk about.

Oh, my gosh. That's. That's so true. That's so true.

That's a whole other layer, right? Like, do you. Do you do that when you look at people's work or. I mean, when you look at people's life within your work, do you have them look at the environment and maybe the people that they're with? And does that change a lot for them when they start to show shift?

Yeah, it's actually really funny. It's funny. You asked the question. Such divine timing. One of my clients reached out to me yesterday and she's like. She's like, sam, I. I don't have any friends anymore anyway. What are you talking about? She's like, I feel like the only friends I have right now are the women in the society, which is my. My program. And I'm like, yeah. She's like. She's like, yes. And it feels so good. She's like, I don't. I don't have those people in my life anymore. And, I mean, that's an extreme case, of course, but as you. You attract who you are, right? You attract who you are. So if you are on the path to become. To become Just more fulfilled, more connected, more conscious. Whatever path that you're on of development, you're by nature going to attract people into that vortex who are vibrating at the same energy and level. And it's just the way the world works. So it's beautiful to look at your friends and if they're rock stars, just know that you also are a rock star. And by nature of them being amazing, that's a reflection of who you are. So yeah.

So I think this in person connection is so important. This is actually what I'm writing a lot of my book that is almost done on. It's just tribe connection, how important it is, what it actually does, when we talk with other women, all of those things. So within your group. Group. And it's so yes, that helps more than anything, being in a group, being in a tribe. And that's really how I started my journey for so long. But then there comes this point where you really need in person connection as well. So do you. I'm sure for you it's the same way. What do you do to reach out to people? And I know that unworthiness, no matter who we are comes up, you know, especially when we want to start going with those high vibration, amazing people who could intimidate. When do we know it's time to reach out? How do we connect with people? How do you connect with people? What do you do?

I'm just very aware of the environments that I put myself in. So conferences, for instance, it's like, are the people there going to be my tribe? Are they gonna be people that I could potentially be lifelong friends with? And so I'm more aware of just like doing the questioning process before I subject myself to environments because I'm a huge empath and I take on people's energy so easily. And so for me, creating boundaries around connections is very important. And so just being. When I, when a couple of years ago, it was like, who do I want to become? Like, what does that look like? What kind of person do I want to become? Okay, if I, if I was there already, what would I be doing today? What would I be doing? You know, would I be going to that conference? Would I be going here? Like, how does that look? And it's about like creating that life that goes back to the acting as if, right, If I'm already there, what do I do? Because that is inevitably what is going to bring you there.

I just did my Facebook live on that question, who do I want to become this morning? Literally.

That's awesome. I need to go check it out.

Oh, no. I was talking to someone the other day and saying, I really believe that we are all getting the same messages. And just like you said, if you are open and you allow and you clear the blocks, you're going to be able to get one of these amazing downloads and get one of these incredible messages. Like, so many people are like, I don't think I have a purpose. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know. I think it's because we don't keep our channel clear and we're not open. And we need to really learn to accept ourselves first in order to get that. But the funny thing is, is that if you are open and accepting, we're kind of all getting a lot of the same messages over and over because they're all just floating out there in the ether of, like, what the world needs right now. I'm such a firm believer in that. So it's just really interesting when you get these. When you get these friends who are in that same place, I can go on their Facebook pages or whatever it is. And I. I'm like, oh, yep, we're all saying the same thing today. It must be needed.

It's so amazing. I love that. I love that. That's hilarious. Yeah. The universe is like, okay, this lesson needs to be learned right now. Let's just, like, sprinkle it into the minds of all of these amazing humans to deliver it to the world. Yes.

Oh, my gosh. So where can. What are you most excited about? Where can we find you, follow you, all that good stuff?

What am I most excited about right now? We are preparing our next launch for the society, which happens twice a year. So our next launch is November 21st. So that's exciting me a lot right now. And you can find that at W. Well, I'll give you the link, Lori. And we're, like, hungry for happiness everywhere. So hungryforhappiness.com, hungryforhappiness on Facebook, we have a private Facebook group. So if you want to join that, I'll send the link over to that as well. And Instagram, YouTube, we're. We're floating all over the interwebs. I personally am just Samantha Skelly online. So if you have. If you have questions for me, I'd more than happy to answer those for you on Facebook.

Amazing. And we'll put that in the show notes as well, so you guys can go there to find and follow her. And I just want to say, before our Last question. Because I have one more for you. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you and thank you for sharing so authentically and openly. I love what you do do.

Thank you so much. Love. I really appreciate that. Thank you.

You're so welcome. So, last question. If you are on a very quick elevator ride with somebody, we're talking like 20 floors, and they look over at you and say, how can I make myself happy? What do you say in that short amount of time?

Do a handstand. I'm so.

Works for me.

I'm so happy when I do handstand.

Perspective shift.

Okay, I'll give you another one. Not everyone can do a handstand. Feel the fear and do it anyways. I think there's such a beauty in. It's like that relationship to pain. There's a book called that by Susan Jeffers called Field of fear and do it anyways. I think I read it when I was 11 or 12 years old, but it's about, ooh, this is scary. But if I can just change that feeling to excitement rather than fear and move through it, we have action, access to so much on the other side, and we can become closer and closer to the people who we actually want to be and desire to be. So. Yeah.

Amen, sister friend. All right, you guys, if you loved this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it. And until next time, earn your happy.

Bye, everyone.

Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review. If you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, tell us what you think, Tell us what you want to hear. More of it would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye. Bye.