801. How to Set Boundaries & Make Peace in Your Relationships with Nedra Tawwab

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Many of the boundaries that we think we need with other people are actually boundaries that we need with ourselves.

Welcome to the Earn your Happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, Founder of Light Pink, best selling author, three time fitness World champion, and I'm a crazy, multi passionate entrepreneur. My journey has taken me everywhere from being a broke waitress, resta retails associate and personal trainer with massive anxiety and no belief in myself to later becoming a multimillionaire in love with my life. In 2007, my husband and I lost everything. We found ourselves hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt at rock bottom. We had no ideas and I had no education to fall back on. This is when I found personal development and learned everything I could about business. I not by choice, but because I realized no one was coming to save me. The conversations on this podcast are going to let you know that you're not alone and that we all feel like.

We don't know what we're doing.

We're going to give you the tools to help you face your fears, take action, start your business and grow those massive dreams that are keeping you up at night. It's time to create a life that you can't hide from and put much so, so much on the line that your higher self is forced to come out. You're going to stop waiting for someone to approve of you and you're going to anoint yourself. Because I'm obsessed about building businesses that.

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Going to want to miss this.

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Nedra, thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm really excited to chat with you today.

I am so happy to be here.

So you may not know this, but this is actually one of my favorite discussions, what your book is based on, you guys. She has a book called Set Boundaries, Find Peace. And if I was walking through a bookstore, it would absolutely be the first book that I would run up to because I really love the topic of boundaries because of what it does. So I think I would love for you to start off just kind of sharing a little bit about what you do and what has brought you to being so passionate about this topic.

Well, I'm a mental health therapist, and I help people build healthy relationships with themselves and with others. I've been doing that work for 14 years, and I've been on the planet much longer, and so I know exactly what boundaries are, and I hope people create them in their lives. I think we all know what boundaries are. We might not have the language, but we certainly feel when we're being pushed too far, when we want to, say, notice something and we don't. And I find it to be a beautiful therapeutic tool to teach people how to advocate for themselves with boundaries.

Was there something in your life that really rang true for you? Where were you living completely out of alignment? Were you kind of, you know, living on other people's terms, or was this more something that you observed?

Both. I wouldn't say that I was exactly living on other people's terms. I think my biggest struggle with boundaries has been uncommitting to the idea that people have to like the boundary. I've always felt comfortable setting them when I knew I should be setting them. There are some times where I'm like, should I? But when I knew for sure that I should do it. I've always felt comfortable doing it, even if it was difficult. But I was totally wiped out by pushback, by other people's perspective, by their ability to talk me out of my boundaries. So that work took a lot more practice than the work of me actually recognizing my boundaries.

What would you say for everybody before we dive into this conversation? Would be like your first clue that you are in desperate need or some of the clues that you are in desperate need of some boundaries?

There are so many. I think the biggest thing we could do is really trust our feelings. When we are upset, frustrated, feeling resentful, those are clear indicators that boundaries are needed. And I find that when we agree to do stuff and blame other people for asking us, we certainly need boundaries. You ever have a situation where it's like, why would they even ask me to help? It's like, well, you say, yes, yes.

A million percent yes. I've had that. I'm like, oh, I think I'm training these people to keep asking me. So good. So, okay, so what type of people first come to you? You know, what are some of the main kind of maybe issues or problems that you see people dealing with when it comes to boundaries or when people. If I was like, I need your help, what are the main things that people come to you for?

Well, people don't typically come to therapy for boundary issues because most people don't even realize that they have boundary issues. People come to therapy for work, life balance issues, challenges with parenting, fighting with their partner, anxiety, depression, and all of the things that are super typical for therapy. But rarely do people walk through the door and say, I have boundary issues.

Yes, it's true.

It shows up in so many other ways that we don't even recognize. And that's a huge part of what I talk about in the book, that we don't even recognize that burnout is the result of not honoring our boundaries. We think it's just a natural part of life. And as a therapist, when I tell people I am not burnt out with the work of being a therapist, they don't believe me. Like, what, you have to be burnt out? And I'm like, no. Because what I try to do is prevent the burnout. There are tons of books on preventing therapeutic burnout. And I follow what they say. I follow what those books say about, you know, making sure that you're taking a lunch, doing something, you know, in between seeing your clients that might have heavy issues. Like, you know, for me, listening to some 90s R&B or going for a walk around the building. All of these things that we can do to really prevent the burnout of being a therapist, they actually work. And I'm sure in other industries, like, if you have before a heavy meeting, try meditation. You know, pull out your sound bow. While I'm working, I light a candle, and I'm constantly, like, breathing in that good energy. I. One thing I learned to do early on was to schedule people according to their energy. I don't have anyone currently where I do that, but there are some people who may take more out of you and you may not want to see them first thing in the morning. So being really conscious of your energy and when you notice it sort of shifting in ways that you don't want it to shift, Doing something different, being mindful and doing something different.

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Man, I could have used that back in the day when I owned a gym. Scheduling those people first thing, like, just gimme a minute, give me some time. Okay. So for people who are aware that. Well, first I want to say I love boundary so much in this conversation because, you know, I was reading through your website, which, by the way, you guys, you have so much fun stuff on your website. I love all of these little. I'll kind of dive into them, but I like went down a rabbit hole and every single topic, I just was eating it up and just how incredibly cool some of your quotes and things are. You guys go and check out her website too. We'll link that up. But you were talking about also how boundaries really help you to experience truly being yourself. And I've experienced so much of that in my life and really resonated really hard with that because I was saying yes to so many people. I was feeling overwhelmed. I was feeling like I couldn't be my. Around my family. I wasn't really, you know, talking about my needs. I wasn't saying what I needed when I got together with them or when there were, you know, different holidays on different sides of families. So many of these things that were bringing up boundary issues or conversations that needed to be had. And I know that when I talk to a lot of people on this podcast or talked with a lot of people just who are, you know, kind of either anxious or overwhelmed or kind of feeling resentful, it's typically because they're afraid to set a boundary or speak up for their needs. So what are the main fears that you find why people don't set boundaries? And then let's talk about how we can do that and get around those.

Sometimes we can't get around them. So when I'm helping people with setting boundaries, it is important that I tell them the good things and the bad things. Because there are some people who you will set boundaries with and the relationship will end up. Yeah, most of the time that's not the case. Most of the time, people will honor your boundaries because they love and value you. But there are some times where people can be so offended by saying things like, I am not able to help you plan this party. Is there some other way I can support you? They could take that information and say, you never helped me. You don't want to help me with this. I'm not sure if we can be friends anymore. You can't control the way that someone responds to the boundary. But the hope is always that setting this boundary will improve and not harm the relationship. But there is a potential for harm depending on who you're setting the boundary with. I can think of tons of boundaries that I have that most people don't even care about. They just attribute it to, this is how she is or this is what she expects. And I think of tons of boundaries that other people have with me. I respect a ton of boundaries, and people can respect mine as well.

How do we go? So let's say we have a boundary that we know needs to be set, and it's a conversation that maybe you've never expressed your needs, and it's going to be sort of, for lack of a better word, kind of a touchy, emotional conversation. How do you go about planning that? How do you go about making sure that they know your intentions are good?

So I don't know if people have to understand boundaries to honor them. There are so many things that I do not understand. So many things that you do not understand that we already honor. I think it's just a part of life. There doesn't have to be an explanation for everything. I'm certainly one of those folks where if you say, if you touch this house stove, you'll burn yourself. For me, I'm like, okay, some people have to touch the hot stove, right? So I think there are some of us who will just naturally fall into place. Now, there are other things where I'm like, nope, you can't tell me what to do here. So I pick and choose. We all do. And we don't have to understand why this thing is happening. But sometimes it's a safety thing, and in relationships, it's. It is a safety Thing people feel safer when you don't wear shoes in their house, when you give them a heads up before you stop by, when you don't eat spaghetti in their car. They just feel better when these things happen. And often when we're in these situations where someone is pushing back against the boundary or if there's some question I have, I always wonder, why do I even care? Because sometimes we've been taught to care about stuff that really don't matter to us. Like there are tons of things where when I really think about my values, it's like I don't think I really care.

Is there a boundary right now that you are working on that you're. Or something that's challenging you? Or does this not feel challenging to you at all anymore?

Oh, yes. I think boundaries are a lifetime practice. And as long as we live, we'll be setting boundaries around something. You know, when I'm 95 years old, I will be telling people, please soak my teeth in this versus that. You know, like there will be. Don't you put, don't you put that polygrip on there or whatever. You know, like I will have some sort of thing that I'm. That I'm wanting. So they evolve with us and different things require different boundaries. Right now I'm in the season of rest. And this summer in particular, after my book launch, which the book launched in March, and I was just busy, busy going, going, talking all day, and I realized, wow, after about three to four conversations per day, your girl got a headache. Yeah, and live my life on a leash. I just won't do it. So I've cut back the amount of things I do per day. I've cut back the things that I say yes to, even if they're going to be good. Because at the end of the day, for me to reap any benefit of anything, I have to be here and I have to be well. So I am my biggest asset. So as such, I have to take good care of myself. And that means saying no sometimes with no reason other than rest. You know, this is rest. When we got on this call, I said, I hope this isn't video because I don't look video worthy. It's Friday. I look like it's Friday. So that's my thing on Friday. I just want a T shirt and some jeans and I just, I want to relax.

I love that. So do you have. You kind of pointed to the explanation of the no. And I still find myself and I feel like I'm really good with boundaries. And I feel like I say no so often that it's like I feel sometimes that it's all I say, but especially just for this season in my life. But sometimes I get tired of trying to figure out a somewhat kind way to say no. So I would love to know, like, you know, what are some of the ways that you say no to people? Because it's wonderful people and it's good things. I just, it's like, how can I say no faster? I would love to know if you have concise ways of saying it.

I think the most concise way is no. And I'm often.

That's what I was hoping you wouldn't say.

I'm just kidding. I'm often shocked by our desire to say no nicely. Yes. Like, where does that come from? That I remember there was this movement in parenting where it was like, you should not say no to your kids. You should use some other language. And that's very tough because people in the world will tell them no and they're not considering language. If you go to park in a spot with a parking attendant present and it's not a real spot for you to park in, they will say, no, do not park here. They're not going to come up with this creative language and a paragraph to share with you about where you can park. So we have to be very comfortable with just the basic form of no, right? We can say no kindly. We can say no, thank you. No, I won't be able to do it. Are there any other ways that I can help you? But sometimes in avoiding saying no, we actually don't dismiss things we're leading people on because we haven't given them the terminology. They need to understand that this is not a possibility.

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Oh, I, I definitely have noticed just the, you know, sometimes you're creating more work for yourself by like. And once in a while the. I love what you said, like, no, but are there other ways for me to help you once in a while? There are those. There are the, you know, the asks that just need to be a straight no. Like, do not. Almost like, so clear. Like, please do not email me anymore about this particular topic. So I've even noticed, like having to be no, I won't be able to do this. And thank you for honoring this, this final no or something like that where it's just had to be so clear. And that was one of the, you know, some of the hardest things to send. And also I would love to just get your feedback on, you know, the. When we kind of continue to lead people on with the need to be nice by saying we really mean a no, but then we say no, but feel free to circle back in a month or two when we don't want to do it in a month or two. So tell me just a little bit about your experience with that.

Yeah, and so it's hard to say to someone no and don't ever ask me again. Wow. Because here's the thing. I believe in flexibility because right now I'm saying no, but maybe in a month something will change for me and I might want to do it. In a month. So should I just say no or is this a long term thing where it's like, I never want to do this? This is an eternal, eternal no.

Eternally no.

Eternal no. Right. And most things aren't. It's just you don't want to do it this time. Maybe you want to do it with some, you know, expectations attached to it, some restrictions or something. And so you have to be really clear about why you're saying no. I had someone ask me for a favor about two months ago and I don't have a very good relationship with this person. And so I was thinking of all these ways to say no and I was going to explain it. I was going to say no and give them the eternal no. And what ultimately happened was I went back to my favorite phrase and just text them no. Because I don't know where I'll be with this in a year or two. Because I think people can change, I change. So I'm open. If you change and I see you doing things differently and our relationship can grow, I'm fine with that. So it's not an eternal no, but it is a no for right now, for sure.

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Have you ever, you know, crafted different things for yourself in the beginning, as far as almost like scripts of how to say no or how to talk to people in the beginning?

Or were you.

How were you taught this? How were you taught how to, like, you know, have this language for people to make it? I know that, you know, you talk a lot about, like, saying no is kind of like the final no and letting it be okay that people don't like you. But there is a really beautiful, graceful way that you've been talking about ways to say no and have the conversation. Where did you learn that? And what would you say to people, you know, how. How did they learn that?

Well, I think outside of being trained as a therapist, I read a lot of books, I watch a lot of tv, I talk to a lot of people, and I'm president of the world, and I know how things feel to me, and I know how they feel to other people and so how they say they feel, right? And so I think it's very important to think about all the information I have and what might be most helpful because I don't want to repeat something that I've seen not work. You know, it's like I. I want to tell you to say this thing that doesn't generally work for people, but it sounds good no, I'm not. What typically sounds good or what could be better than that is this. Right now, I'm reading a book about the art of listening, and a lot of people are like, well, you're a therapist. Why are you reading this book? There's always places to improve, even with listening. I have to get better at skills that. This book is from 2020. I don't have the 2020 listening skills. Maybe my listening skills are 2017 skills. I need to. I might need a little update. You know, I need a system update, a refresher course. So lots of times it's reading books about communication, is communicating with people and seeing. Like, ooh, that did not work. So it's listening to other people talk about their interactions with things. Like, we learn from being. And a lot of the language that I think of in general, it works pretty good. But, you know, here's a disclaimer. It depends on the person. I've said no in the nicest ways to people. And some things you just can't say nicely. You just can't. It's no possible way to tell someone, actually, I don't want you to come to my house. Like, is a nice way to say that. Yeah.

Still figuring that out.

Yeah. There's no nicer way to say that than to say, I love you, but you cannot do this. That still hurts to someone. Even though you were nice, you gave them ice cream before you said it. Whatever all of this stuff happened, it's still very tough. And that's the discomfort sometimes of setting boundaries, that there are really hard things you need to say now. There are a lot of things we can set boundaries, and it's like, oh, no big deal. You want that? Fine. But there are some tough things that we need to say where it's no nicer way to say them than to just be direct and be straight.

I really firmly believe in tough conversations, but it's not that they get easier, but I get more used to them. So I love just being able to set those boundaries and have that. I think knowing what is coming on the other side is really helpful for me. Once I've had those conversations a couple times, you know, maybe you could share a little bit about what the freedom actually feels like on the other side of some of the conversations you've had. Like, some of the hardest conversations. I don't know if you're willing to share. Maybe a story or a time that was really challenging for you and then what it did for you on the other side.

Yeah, I just gave an example I've had to say to someone, you know, you can't come to my house again. And that's a really scary one because that can be a deal breaker for some people. Some people, they will look at their behavior and some people will blame you. And it was a very tough thing. But I will tell you, after I said it, I felt so good. Oh my gosh. I felt so good because it was something that I'd been holding and I knew it was a game changer. That's why I was holding it, because I just really hoped that I could avoid this. But there was this pressure to like, no, no. And it's like, oh my gosh. Because you know, it. My home is my sacred space and I want to be in peace in it. And so if people come and they disturb the peace, we have to meet at a restaurant, we will have to get an Airbnb for the weekend. We will have to go to your place. But the way that my energy works, not in my house, I can't even sleep. Like, I cannot sleep when it's like, you know. So I think that was a really tough one. But I did feel some freedom after saying it because I would have been very upset at myself for ignoring that boundary and allowing it to happen.

I've definitely lived for a lot of years earlier in my life with those not speaking up and just really carrying. Because it's not just the one time, right? Or the maybe, maybe this was happening once a month or once every six months. It's almost as if when you are living, when you are not speaking for your needs or what you are desiring or it's going against what you're. How you mentioned really following your feelings that is carried with you like day to day. You kind of think about it non stop. You're kind of always waiting for it to happen. So it's not just freedom in life. Once every six months. I really feel truly for myself in my life and I'm sure you've experienced that. It's freedom everywhere. It's like you're not carrying it on your back anymore. So I so relate to that. Going back to your website because now I'm just absolutely in love with some of these quotes and things on here. You had written something that says it's not normal to like everyone in your family, everyone at your job, everyone you meet, everyone's viewpoint, everything about your partner, everything about your friends, everything about your kids. Can you tell me a little bit about this? Because I think that's freedom for so many people and maybe a shocking expectation that they were holding for themselves that how. How can we let go of this? And how can we. How do you view this? How did you kind of like come across this and. And let this be okay?

I would update that. And I just posted that two weeks ago and I already have an update. I would add to that everything about yourself that's good. I think our expectation is perfection. And when things aren't perfect, we have a big problem with that. When things aren't even a 9 out of 10 or 10 out of 10, we are very upset by it. And people are not perfect. Things are not perfect. If you expect to go to work and like everyone equally, you will be disappointed. The person next to you will too. Very loud. And you may not like that about them, but they have great stories to share on Monday about their weekend. You know, do you disconnect from them because they're a loud chewer or do you just say, hey, well, they have these other great things in their favor. And it's the same way with ourselves. It's like we're always working on something. Just five more pounds. Just, you know, waking up earlier, just, you know, driving the speed limit, just this, just that, just that you should drive the speed limit. Please put that on your list. But, you know, just all of these things that we have that we're trying to constantly perfect, and it's fine to, you know, sort of have these things, you know, on your, you know, in the back of your head, but we're not going to die perfect. We're not. Our partners will not be perfect. Our friends will not be perfect. I call those things little quirks. You know, everyone has them. They have these things where it's like, you know, if we go out to eat, she wants to sit at a table in the corner with a booth. She has to be the person to sit with her, you know, like all of these things, like, it's fine. Yeah, I actually will accommodate those. If I arrive first, I will say, can we have a table in the corner where, you know, how much do we want to perfect people and how much do we want to accept these things we can't perfect about ourselves and about other people because people can be really amazing and have a few things that you just annoy the heck out of us?

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I have felt a bit fatigued.

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Let's get back to the show. Go drink more water.

I had to learn this lesson the hard way because I, you know, early on I hadn't, I was homeschooled through high school. I was raised in a more kind of religious background where I, I wasn't allowed to associate with anyone outside of my religion. So it made like a very small town even smaller having, you know, less people around and I think just the lack of experience in relationships. When I got into my 20s, it's like I had this list that I, you know, I wanted this person to friends to be like this or like this. And if they did this, like they were out, like, it was very easy for me to be like, well, you're not like the friends that I'm looking for. And you know, fast forward into my late 20s, early 30s, you can guess that I had no friends because nobody was accommodating what I thought, you know, like never annoying you. And I think once you learn exactly what you said, it's like I don't even view it as necessarily annoying. Now I'm like, oh, that's a quirk. Like what I have, like, I really look at myself like, okay, I've got all of these things and these. I totally get it. Like, that's just, that's your thing. And obviously if the person is, is, you know, worth your time and you're getting it like equal energy, you know, value exchange from this human being. And you're, you're also, you know, giving that to them equally. But I would love to know for you for relationships? Is it that point for you? How do you kind of tell or know in your body or your feelings or your emotions or your life when it's time to just have a tough conversation, to maybe remove that friendship or let it go? And what does that look like? Have you had one of those?

Absolutely, man. I was just talking with someone the other day who was really struggling with transitioning away from friendships, and I would not be speaking with you if I was friends with everyone from elementary school, middle school, high school, college, the time I went to summer camp, the time I was in Girl Scout, the time we wouldn't have space for any. We wouldn't even have children, a partner like all the friendships we would be carrying. You know, things change. We change. And it's not all about changing zip codes and moving away from people. Sometimes it's. That no longer fits who I am. I'm no longer into blank. Because some friendships are truly built around just being in the same space. And once you leave some spaces, it's like, well, that's the friendship. Yeah. So it's okay to transition. We can't keep everyone. I feel grateful for the people that I've been able to maintain friendships with over the years despite life changes, because those are truly the ones where it's like, oh, my gosh, we were in high school and I was a hot mess, and you're still my friend. I'm much better now. But boy, oh, boy, you've been through some stuff with me, and I've been through things with you. Those things are truly remarkable. But we can't keep everyone. And it is really sad when friendship end. But we grow at different paces. Sometimes we don't grow. Sometimes we don't want to. Sometimes things just change. It is a part of being to release things.

How do you make peace with those things that don't end the way that you want?

We have to develop our own sense of closure. And a part of that is accepting that we can't keep everything. I look at old pictures sometimes, and I think about the clothes that I'm wearing. Like, man, I used to love those jeans. And then I think, well, boot cuts are, you know, not my thing anymore. They're not. And those were great jeans. I actually wouldn't even want them currently, and I can't fit them. We have multiple problems with these jeans that I used to really love. And I have old pictures with friends. I don't tear them up. I keep them because those are memories, too. And just because the friendship didn't Work out it no longer fits or, you know, whatever that thing is. Doesn't mean that I need to discard the photo or, you know, try to go back and, you know, find this person or find the jeans or find whatever it's okay to leave. To remember things and leave them in the past. Ass.

Yeah, that's such a good point. Because sometimes I've been like, oh, you know, maybe it's different now, or I could go back and really, you know, mend that in a better way now that I have better tools.

And I'm like, or maybe it's just better that.

Do I really want that if it hasn't changed and I'm opening up this doorway to. You know, there's just those moments where you're, like, really thinking into the future instead of just thinking momentary, like, for that knee to make yourself feel better. Like, is this for me to feel better? Do I really want this relationship, or am I just trying to close a loop that I need to actually make peace with myself? That's a tough one.

Yeah. I just think we can't keep everything.

Yeah, so true. You can't keep everything. Can't carry everything. You wouldn't go anywhere. What is your favorite? I know that you love talking about boundaries and so many other things, right? Cause that's just so layered. They go into everything. Kind of like what you were saying when people walk into a session with you, it leads back to boundaries. There's so many things woven into that. But what are some of your favorite things to talk about right now? What is something that's kind of just. I don't know if this happens for you, but I kind of have themes throughout my life or for the month or different weeks where I see different things popping up. What's kind of a theme that you're loving talking about or that's popping up for you in your life right now?

Now thing that I'm talking about right now. Gosh, I kind of want to look at Instagram because that's where it would come out. Whatever I've been posting about most recently.

See, you said you. You were in a season of rest. I'm not sure if that's part of the. Of what you're feeling right now or chatting about.

You know, I think my personal season is rest, recovery, and restoration. I think in terms of helping people, my season is self acceptance, self validation, self boundaries. Because we so often externally focus on changing other people, and we can't. Today on Instagram, I posted about when other people don't validate you. You have to validate yourself and how people, they could do something blatantly wrong. They could come to your party, get drunk, smash your cake, throw up on the floor and leave. Right. And then the next day you say, oh, my gosh, you did this thing. And they're like, it wasn't that bad. Right. And so I was just thinking today and I was watching something, and it just made me think about this, that sometimes when people do things to you, they mistreat you, they dishonor your space, they are not brave enough to acknowledge what happened, so they pretend that it didn't. That it's not that big of a deal or that you were actually the problem. Well, I did that because you shouldn't have put the cake on this. That's why I knocked it. You know, it's like, what. Also known as gaslighting.

Yes.

And so I think that if we are really focused on what the truth of the situation is without having this person who violated now have to honor the truth. And we just really went with, well, I see a smash cake. There is remnants of stuff on my floor. The other people at the party said this. So these things actually happen. How do we live with the truth? Even if this person won't apologize, won't validate it, won't own up to it. We know what happened. Yep. And that's a. That's a really tough struggle to just acknowledge that this is the truth, period. They don't have to own up to it for it to be real.

Oh, I. I resonate with that so much. And I've. I've met a lot because I resonate with that.

I.

You also, you know, talk about. And I talk to a lot of people who have experienced this within their family or maybe their childhood. So it can actually make you feel a bit crazy. Like, you can go through periods of your life where you're like, did that actually happen then? Or am I making this up? Like, am I a bad person for thinking this? And it can make you feel like you've missed. You have, like, gaps in your life, or like you maybe are like, kind of like you just feel crazy. Like maybe you're wrong. Maybe your perception of life or how you grew up or whatever that was, wasn't the case. So how have you. Have you ever helped anyone navigate through that? Kind of like coming to the conclusion of, yes, this was truth for your childhood or, you know, working through something like that?

Absolutely. And when I'm helping people with that, it is coming to terms with people can Be good and bad. They don't have to be one way. And your parents can love you a whole lot and still do things to neglect you or violate you, abuse you or harm you in some way. And we have a really hard time acknowledging that without doing anything about it. So we rather deny it. Well, my parent was really busy, so they never came to anything.

Yeah.

I would rather live with the idea that their job was so important they could never come and really speak that as a thing. And I didn't want them to be there anyway than to acknowledge that, that I was really hurt. And I'm going to visit them today. That's okay. You don't have to. So a lot of it is just teaching people it's okay to acknowledge the truth and continue relationships with people. Just because you know what the truth is doesn't mean that you have to stop talking to them or you have to make them apologize for these things. You can continue to do whatever you want to do. If you want to apologize, tell them to apologize. If you want to just go over their house for dinner as you already planned, go over to their house for dinner. You don't have to do anything. All we're talking about is what happened.

So powerful. What are some. As we kind of wrap up here, what are some last insights that you feel like you would love to share with people that have really changed your life, that you've implemented? If you could just share maybe three things with people that you think would just change their life around boundaries, what would that be?

Number one, speaking your boundaries give you freedom.

Yes.

Number two, many of the boundaries that we think we need with other people are actually boundaries that we need with ourselves. For example, we will say, my friend is not trustworthy. I always tell her not to repeat what I'm saying to other people. And she does it all the time. How do I deal with her? Stop telling her stuff. That's a self boundary. You can't make your friend keep her mouth closed. It's not possible, as you can see, because she's still telling all of your business. But what you could do is stop telling her your business. And that's a beautiful way to maybe maintain the friendship with a person who can't keep a secret. And sometimes people can't keep secrets just because they just are terrible at keeping secrets. They're really not trying to hurt you. Sometimes they are. But I know a ton of people who just, they can't keep a secret. They just can't do it. It's something about the word Secret that automatically tell everyone. I have to say something. It's true. Yeah. Number three. That you are braver than you know. I think the bravest thing we can do is acknowledge something. Once we know what we need, we can implement those things. And it is a very powerful thing to do. And it really puts you in the captain's chair, the driver's chair, feet of your life, to be able to bend your boundaries.

Well, everybody needs to get this book, first of all, because this conversation could go on for weeks and months and years for the rest of our life. But I know that you have so many amazing, helpful things in your book in order for people to really live a more free life. And that's what it is. It's gonna help you feel fully you live a more free life and not have to carry all of these different things. And, you know, if you're carrying it. I lived. I definitely lived my life in a way that I was carrying so many different just thoughts and relationships that were no longer serving me. And it really stops you from doing the things that you want and having the relationships that you want. And life is way too short for that. So I would love for you to share with everybody, first of all, exactly who you feel like you would love to have this book in their hands. Who is that person?

Any human being. Any human being can read this book. And I've gotten a lot of questions about, well, can my teenager read this, please? Teenagers read so many things. I don't even want to tell you what I read as a teenager, but let's just say my books were confiscated. But yeah, teenagers read all sorts of things. Why not read something that could help you presently in your friendships and in the future? It's like reading a book about finance as a teenager. What great, great pillars for success. Right? You can read this at any stage of life if you're 80. If you are, I wouldn't say eight. But if you are a teenager, any age, I think it's for so many people because it is something that is so simple, but we don't know it.

Yeah. And you need it for every stage in your life. It's never, ever going to end or go away because we are in relationships with ourselves and people always. And that's what is always going to come up daily is speaking our needs and requiring boundaries and sharing openly. So I love this so much. Where can we find you, follow you and get the book?

Yes, I am most present on Instagram nadratowab and the book is available for purchase at Amazon bookshop Target anywhere that you can purchase books. You can check out my website where I have so much helpful information around boundaries and relationships and mental health topics. Yeah, that's everything. I think.

Amazing. Well, I'm so grateful for you. This was such a fun conversation. I love it. I know it's gonna serve so many people and you guys definitely go find, follow, purchase the book. So grateful to have you on the show, Nedra. And until next time, earn your happy.

Bye.

Bye, everyone.