88: Cravings, Boundaries, Play, and Pleasure with Alexandra Jamieson

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Welcome to the Earn your happy podcast.

I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss.

Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the earn your happy podcast. Today I'm so excited to have Alexandra Jamison on the show. She is the co creator and co star in the Oscar nominated documentary Super Size Me. You guys, if you have not watched this yet, it is a must I tell everybody to watch it. She has published four books, the Great American Detox Diet, Living Vegan for Dummies, Vegan Cooking for Dummies and the number one best selling Women, Food and Desire which we are going to talk talk about today. She has graduated from the Natural Gourmet Institute, she's certified in applied positive psychology and she's a certified holistic health coach. And now her passion is all about helping women feel what's right for them through play, pleasure and positive psychology. So let's dive in. Alexandra, thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm so excited to have you today.

Oh, my pleasure. Thank you for having me.

You know, I was just looking at your website prior to this and doing all my research on you and I just love everything that you have to say and all of your passion. So for those people who maybe don't know who you are or what work you're doing, amazing work you're doing in the world. Do you mind sharing a bit of your story on how you got to this point?

Point? Oh, absolutely. So I grew up with hippies. My parents were like back to the landers. They bought an old farm. I grew up outside of Portland, Oregon and my mom had an organic gardening radio show for 10 years when I was a kid. So I knew where my food came from. We were put to work out in the yard every weekend. And yet I was a serious sugar fiend. I can now say that I was a sugar addict. I may always be a sugar addict, let's be honest. But I would do anything and everything to get my hands on it because my parents didn't have it in the house. So I found out the kids at Sunday school down at the church down the street had cookies and Kool Aid every weekend. So I started going to church by myself when I was 7, literally just to drink the Kool Aid and eat the cookies. Like, that's all of my first babysitting jobs. And then I worked at a cafe. All of that money, and I went to hanging out with friends and eating junk food. And, you know, Basically when you're 15, you start taking over your own dietary rules. And for the next 10 years, ate nothing but junk. And in my mid-20s, I started to get really, really sick. So migraine headaches, three, four days a week. I put on, like, £20 after college and, like, lots of body aches and exhaustion and depression. So I finally went to a doctor after months and months of this torture. I was taking handfuls of Advil every day. And the first doctor I went to, you know, you sit down, they talk to you for about three minutes, and then they give you a prescription. So I got prescriptions for painkillers and Prozac. And I really recoiled from that. I have a family history of prescription drug abuse and suicide and depression. And I've seen enough where I know that this was a fork in the road. This was a major decision point. And I decided, you know what? I'm not going to take these. And I went and found another doctor, somebody my mom would have taken me to growing up like somebody with Buddha in the office and ferns and a little. Like a little babbling brook in the waiting room. And he sat down with me and talked with me for an hour and asked me what I was eating. And when I told him, he said, ah, no wonder you're sick. And he gave me a list of food to eat, a list of foods to avoid. And I almost cried, because everything on the list of food to avoid was basically everything I ate. But I was at one of those bottom moments. I was so depressed, so exhausted, so fed up, I said, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do exactly what he tells me to do. And I knew there was something in my body that was saying, yes, do this. So I read every book on nutrition. I discovered veganism. I changed my diet overnight. It was not easy. This was back in 99. There was not a Whole Foods in every neighborhood in New York City like there is now. And I started to feel better. I mean, within two weeks, the headaches were gone. I remember the morning I woke up and I was awake, and I had Energy and I could think clearly. I felt like I was like back in my body. And it opened up this whole new world of food and healing for me. I went to culinary school at the Natural Gourmet Institute to study traditional healing foods for all different kinds of illnesses and went on to become a health coach. You know, really got passionate about this. But as I was starting the nutrition school, the culinary school, I was of course, waiting tables in a smoky bar as a cocktail waitress, because that's what you do in New York City, like have this totally yin yang life where you. Healthy cooking school during the day, smoky bar, serving beer all night. And at the bar, I met my soon to be husband, Morgan, and I picked him up and we started dating and we really, like. I was so passionate about food and nutrition and he was a budding filmmaker fresh out of film school. And we came up with the idea for Super Size Me together. And we had no idea how many people were going to see this little film from a crazy idea of what would happen if Morgan ate nothing but McDonald's for 30 days straight and he got incredibly sick. We filmed it all and it became a worldwide sensation. Wow. Yeah.

It's so funny because I. I've had this interview on my schedule for a while and I. When I started researching, I was like, no way is this the woman I'm talking to. I was so excited because I have watched that movie so many times and shared it with so many people because I'm. That's a huge passion for me because I have a background fairly similar to yours, minus the hippie parents, but just, you know, eating sugar and just eating junk food and feeling so addicted. And it wasn't until I really hit rock bottom and looked at my food that realized that my mood and my anxiety and depression was so related to that. And it was when I was prescribed prescription drugs to help with anxiety and depression, and I had that same moment of, God, I don't wanna go down this road. It was like, your back is up against the wall. Have I exhausted all other possibilities? What am I eating so I can so resonate with that? And what was that point for you? Just for people who are maybe there right now, who don't wanna give up certain things, what got you through those first few days or those first few weeks where your body's just kind of, basically, we call it detoxing from all of those foods because you go into hardcore cravings?

Well, I want to. I really want to acknowledge how hard it can be because, you know, and this is what I talk about in my book Women, Food and Desire, that one of the basic root causes of cravings is a bacterial craving. And you have bacteria and yeast in your body. Candida yeast is one that most people have heard of or suffered from and they communicate with our nervous system via the vagus nerve. And if you take away their fuel, which is the sugar that you eat, they will start dying. And they are part of you. So it feels like you're dying because part of you is. So it feels terrible for some people. Luckily I already felt so bad. It wasn't that much worse feeling. It was just an emotional mental resolve that I have got to heal this because if I don't, I'm going to be on painkillers for the rest of my life and this is only going to get worse. And that got me through the first torturous week. And I'll admit it was torturous. And what I always tell people now is that you can't just take away sugar, you can't just take away gluten or dairy. You can't just take away the food that's giving you your dopamine hit. You have to also add in fun and play and pleasure in equal amounts because otherwise you just are left feeling horrible and like there's no point to this.

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I love this conversation. I'm always trying to kind of capture that for people. So I love that we're talking about it because you know, we when we're thinking about making healthy decisions, especially with this new year coming up, right? People are already thinking about how they can change and these habits that they can change and all of these huge life things that they're going to stop doing that they don't realize is maybe the only place in their life right now that they are getting joy from. So basically they're saying in 2017, I'm going to stop everything that makes me happy. And then what does it, it makes you feel like total crap. Like you're bored, you're depressed, you have no friends because you haven't yet gotten those new like minded friends. So what are some things I know that you love to talk about? Play and pleasure? What are some first steps that we can start taking to even open our mind up to having joy outside of this?

Oh, well, I love this conversation. And I also want to acknowledge that for some of your listeners, they may feel a little blank right now. They might not know or remember what it's like to just play and have fun. I ask this of my, my personal clients all the time. You know, we got to do what's fun for you. We got to build it into your life. We have to make your life more joyful on every single level. That's from when you open your closet in the morning that you feel like, ah, that when you sit down at your desk, you're like, ooh. It takes some real constructing to bring joy and pleasure into your life. From where you sit to what you wear to who you hang out with. Like, we think, oh, like, I have to take up a hobby. Like, I don't know. I don't know if I want to get into painting. Well, no, like, it might be that and it might not. It might be taking everything out of your drawers and your closets. Like, you know, you got a Marie Kondo your life sometimes, right? You got to get rid of the stuff, stuff that makes you feel bad or blah. Or sitting down to your desk. Is it messy? Is there anything on your desk like a beautiful little potted plant of rosemary that you can smell or a candle or essential oils, some, you know, things that you can bring in. They're like, mmm, yummy, yummy things everywhere. And then think back to when you were eight, when you knew how to play, right? You could just leave. You can leave a kid, like, outside with a paper bag and they will figure out how to entertain themselves. It's really good for us to remember what we used to like to do when we were kids. I'm a big fan of riding my bike. Still, now that I'm an adult, I finally bought the pair of hot pink suede roller skates that I always wanted. When I was a kid. I go roller skating with my friends here in New York City. We've got a great couple of rinks in the summer. It brings me so much joy. So look back at what brought you alive when you were younger and be willing to be goofy and be silly and ask a girlfriend to come with you. Ask a girlfriend, especially one who really needs a break. We are so much better at standing up for our friends. Fun and for them taking a Break than we are doing it for ourselves. This is really my new war path in life, I gotta tell you.

Okay, so I love this, but I also know there was a lot of work for me to even get to this place. Because for a long time it was like, no, I have to. I have to do this. So everything that I do has to be accomplishing something. This was, you know, long after I had the title of I never finish anything or people don't take me serious. So then I had to be, like, all serious. Everything had to have a purpose. So play for me, didn't feel purposeful. So what are some things that we can do to start associating with play and pleasure to remind us that they are a part of the purpose?

Perfect. So there is incredible science showing that play is actually what makes us healthy and happy. There's great evidence showing that rats and monkeys that play together have much better developed brain structure. And here's the thing that I know people will really, really love, is that when you feel joy in your body, and that's what play does for us, it takes us out of our heads and into our body in a fun way. That means that you relax, you're relaxed, you're engaged, you're enjoying. That is actually the perfect state of a high metabolism. You can't be stressed and have a good metabolism. I always say you can either stress or you can digest, but you can't do both at the same time. You got to pick one. You got to learn how to calm yourself down and feel good in your body. And that can be really simple breathing exercises to help you calm down. But really, the benefit of play and pleasure and fun is that it actually helps your body relax. And that's what leads to that higher metabolism. That's what leads to all those good, happy hormones that we all want more of.

I love that because right now. So I'm getting so close to being done with a book proposal. Like, literally, it's in the final round of, you know, you send out your proposal, you get the edits back, you send it, or you send it again to your editor, you keep getting it back. Because it's. It's almost like writing a book. So I'm almost there. But I found that in it. It's like if I don't get out from behind my desk and go outside and go do things I enjoy, I have zero creativity to even bring back into it, to infuse it. And the more I go out and say, okay, I'm done here, I can feel it in my body, I just can't sit any longer. I need to go do the extreme opposite. Like, I need to go play. I need to release. I need to let go. And it's amazing what I bring back to the work the next day. It's so fresh, and it's a new perspective. So do you do that a lot with your work? Like, do you hit it? What. What's the point where you kind of hit where we know we need play and pleasure? Because I think a lot of people don't realize that maybe we need to do it more often than we think.

Well, there's a wonderful book that I actually included as a research point in my book, Women, Food, and Desire, called Daily Rituals How Artists Work, and what this book showed. You know, the author really examined the daily rituals, the Schedules of over 150 artists and poets and painters and scientists and mathematicians and what they actually do all day. Well, most of them have these really specific daily rituals, and a lot of them take long daily walks. Almost every single one goes for a long walk every day. And that was a way to disconnect. And they did not have an ipod in, by the way. They weren't listening to their phone. They weren't, like, texting while they walked. They were just walking. Moving out in nature, letting their brain and their body move. It helps. When your body moves, you're actually doing this cross movement, this bilateral movement, and that helps your brain make new and fresh connections. So the link between, you know, your body moving and how your brain works is incredibly well documented.

I can't. I mean, I can't tell you how much this. It's like my church. I literally always call it church. If I'm going for a walk or if I'm going for a run. I love to listen to podcasts and do it or nothing, because I can't even believe the ideas that come. And I always think of that with people who don't move. I'm like, they're being robbed of these amazing ideas that their brain can come up with without even having to, you know, study or read a book. It just comes to the surface. It's like moving our body just connects us into nature and all of those beautiful ideas. So I love that. Thanks for sharing that.

Well, I actually call nature my church as well. I learned so much. And again, there's tons of good evidence for that. It's very grounding. It's very soothing, incredibly relaxing. And I really encourage people to go out and literally hug a tree, go put your arms around a Tree, lean against it. You'll be, you'll be shocked at how like soothing that can feel. Or lay down in the grass, put your feet, no socks, no shoes in the grass. Connect to the actual earth. Very, very good for us.

Might do that right after this. We need, we didn't, we need a name for it like Nurch Nature Church or something. Okay. So we have the holidays coming up and a new year and there is a lot of things that are outside of our normal daily rituals. So even the most rooted amongst us can sometimes feel a bit nervous or freaked out or thrown off about things coming up that are outside of our normal routine. A lot of different things to choose from. So I know that you talk a lot about boundaries and also just how to deal with some different stress that might be going on with our families.

Oh, absolutely. The holidays are the most bungled up mix of emotions and expectations for people. You know, we want, we so yearn for the, the Hallmark holiday. We want what we see on TV and in magazines, but what so often we actually get is a lot of stress, a lot of resentments or bad communication or trampled boundaries or no boundaries. And that can be fixed. And I really recommend that people like in as far in advance from the next big holiday start thinking about what you really want it to be like. How do you want to be treated by other people? You know, one of the things that I really coach my one on one clients with is how to deal with family when you're trying to eat a certain way. You know, I have people who need to be sugar free for a while or gluten free or dairy free, whatever it is. And they can often run into people in their family that just don't get it, don't want to hear it, or feel personally attacked by your eating needs. You know, food is such a personal, deeply, deeply personal thing. So I'll see. I see this in couples all the time and I see it with families all the time. Where you'll make a change in your diet for your own personal needs. Right. It's your healing journey, has nothing to do with anybody else. And you tell them, I'm eating this way or I'm not eating that right now, and they take it as a personal attack. Because we are part of a tribe, we're tribal creatures and everyone agrees to treat each other nice and protect each other as long as you uphold the rules of the tribe. And for many families, the rules of the tribe are we eat this way. And for many mothers and fathers as well, I show My love by making this food for you every year. If you don't eat it, you don't love me. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? Right? We go into this whole unconscious conversation that can lead to a lot of trouble. So I really recommend that however you want it to be, you know, try to get some clarity about it. Talk with a trusted friend or advisor, do some journaling about it. And then in advance, like two or three weeks before you go somewhere or have people over, let them know, hey, you know, I'm really trying to help support my body or my health. So this year I'm not eating X or Y or Z. How can I make this really easy for you? You know, is that cool with you? Do you, you know, do you want to just eat what I'm eating or would you like to make something else in addition to it? You know, this is really just about a personal health thing. You know, I really want you guys to enjoy whatever you want. What do you think?

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This is so awesome because it's just having the conversations that we're not used to having is all it is all it is. A lot of the fear is just around having or having the expectation of what that conversation could be too, and viewing it as worse than it usually is. You know, I'm from the Midwest, so literally, it's. I live in California now, and the conversation back in the Midwest is completely different than it is out here. Like, my Thanksgiving out here is I have some vegans coming. I have some people who are, you know, pescatarians or are gluten free. So it's very open. It's like, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna bring this. I do this. You guys can try this. Like, we're all really excited about it. Where when we were back home, it was just, this is how it is. If you don't eat this, then I get upset. If you don't have three servings of this, it's like, what, you don't love me? And we've actually had conversations with our family about it, and now it's an open conversation because we've said, you know, can we try some new things? Can we try some things that. Where if we're eating for the day, that we can actually feel good at the end of the day and make things together? Like, let's just try to switch it up and see how good we can make this healthy food. So it just Opened up this world of there can be another conversation that can be had.

Yeah. And, you know, be willing. And this, you know, this goes for politics. This goes for Christmas dinner, for everything. Be willing to get curious. Be willing to hear what other people want and need. Maybe you start the conversation off like that. Like, hey, you know, I'm really curious because I've got this health thing going on, or I'm really trying to, you know, focus on my. My body and my energy or, you know, you know, bring up some specific symptom that maybe they can support you around, you know, And I'm really trying to figure out how to make Christmas just work for everybody. What do you think? Like, what do you really want for Christmas? What do you really want for New Year's dinner? Be curious about what they want, because people just want to be seen and heard. And if we can offer that olive branch, that can go a long way to them being able to hear and see us.

Amen, sister. You know, I think about that a lot because of how when I first started off in my kind of healthy journey, which when I really got serious and, you know, kind of was learning my boundaries and setting boundaries, which we'll talk about in a bit, I kind of did it the wrong way. It was almost, like, offensive. Like, I'm not eating that because I don't feel good, and you shouldn't eat that either. And don't talk to me about it. Like, it just because I felt so attacked all the time whenever I would make a choice that I felt like I had to just throw up these walls. And what I didn't realize is if I looked from the other side of. I was just leaving them out. Like, I was just really cutting off of the way that they knew how to entertain and love and show up. And it's like, until we explore options of how we can both come together, people feel really pushed away. So it made me open my eyes to saying, how am I reacting and responding and what's the way I can respond? That is still inclusive, although I'm changing so super powerful for that. So for boundaries. I know that this is something. When we go home, it's like, we just want to make everyone happy. We just. It's so easy to give up this new lifestyle that we maybe have committed to in order to feel accepted and loved, and it just seems easier.

It is. It does. And one of the things that can be so helpful, I think, is, well, I mean, learning to connect to your truth, learning to get clear about what you really need and that boundaries are based on your ability to feel what's right for you. And that's not something anyone ever teaches us. Nobody teaches you how to connect to your body, right? Nobody teaches you how to. Actually, we're taught quite the opposite. We're taught to ignore our body's signals. Even think back to a very young age when you were made to, you know, hug every adult that came in the room or finish your dinner, you know, that it felt uncomfortable for me. As a kid, there were people I didn't want to hug. I was like, I don't know that person. I don't want to do that. But I was taught that you need to go give that person a hug, welcome them. I'm like, you know, it was a little scary. I was taught to ignore the sensations of fear or worry that I was feeling. And then there's the clean your plate club. You know, we're taught to clean it up, eat it all, even if you're full, even if you don't want it. And how does that teach us to relate to our appetites and our desires? So learning to have respect for yourself and creating boundaries, I call them starter boundaries. We'll just, you know, start with one. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be something that really honors you. So you can make it a small one. And having a starter boundary. I do this, we do this before we go visit my in laws. We do this before we go on vacation. You know, we really check in. I do this with my husband. We check in. You know, what are your intentions and concerns and desires and what are your boundaries? We are in active communication about this. And one of my boundaries is that when we go visit his family, I need an hour a day on my own. I need to go for a walk or I need to be able to take the car and, you know, drive to the coffee shop in their town and just take a break. You know, I'm a little bit of the introvert, so I just need some space. And it doesn't mean that I don't want to be there. It just means that I need a little bit of time on my own. So learning how to connect with what feels good for you in your body is such an empowering first step.

I do that same thing, literally the same thing. Because I'm introverted. Extrovert, right? I think there's a new word for it that they're coming up with. Yes, yes. I was like, that is me. And to recharge, to be your best self to be able to stick to your boundaries, to be happy. You know, it's just saying, what do I need to make this trip or this time valuable and fun and where I can truly connect and show up for these people? Otherwise, I'm not fun. Like, we're not fun to be around if we're not giving ourselves what we need first, and then it's no fun for anybody. So if everyone would do that and we would all. And now we all do that. Like, we all have our things that we all go and do in the morning, whether it's working out or a walk or dog walk or getting things done around the house, and we all come back in the afternoon, and it's like, wow, we're these totally great people where years prior, we just were, like, cooped up and getting upset. And it's crazy, the difference that it can actually make. So as you have your holidays approaching, what are some of your main boundaries that maybe you're already focusing on that you want to get better at?

Well, this year is really unique, and actually this ties in with an ongoing evolution of my husband with his family. But we spent a lot of time in Oregon with my family this summer for three weddings. And we've decided to just stay home and have our own holiday. So Thanksgiving and Christmas, we're staying in New York City. We're having some orphans over for Thanksgiving. Some of our friends, we're having a friendsgiving, but for Christmas, we're staying home. And that is to. That was a tough one for us to come to. You know, there's family that's not thrilled with us, but I think it's appropriate and it's really our totally within our rights to say, you know what? We've traveled so much this year. We just want to be home. And, you know, we've only been married for about six months, and we really. But we've been together for five years. We really want to have some of our own traditions. So just being able to tell our families that we're not coming was huge. But it's truly honoring our desires for real relaxing, downtime, and connection for our tiny family.

I love that. And sometimes the things that are the toughest are the things where we're gonna gain the most perspective. And, you know, maybe after that holiday, you say, wow, I just really know what I want to do from here on out, even if we go and spend every holiday with family for the rest of our lives. Or maybe we want to, you know, do this every few Christmases, because this has been so nurturing for us. And I think the people who are just most happy at the end of the day really honor the different things that are coming up and explore them because it might be great. And at the end, you might say, you know what, maybe next year I like, we got to see what this was like and we're gonna go back to the old way. You just never ever know. But that's the thing, is that it will always be a question unless we explore those little nudges. And especially if you are a traveler. Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness. Right? My husband's been gone for like three straight weeks. Like, no. Or staying home for Thanksgiving, please. And it's really similar with food, with travel. It really comes down to what's going to make you happy. And that doesn't mean you're selfish. Although I often call it sacred selfishness. We sometimes have to stop playing into the familial agreements that really don't serve us as individuals. We can still love and respect our family and need to take our own road. And that might be, you know, my family's beef growers, not beef growers, cattle farmers or ranchers. And I need to be vegan or, you know, my family feels this way about religion or about food, but I need to do this for me. And being able to hold your boundaries with such fierce self love and with such fierce respect and love for the people that you are drawing a boundary with, it doesn't mean that you're ending a relationship. It means you're evolving as a person and you're asking them to come on that evolution with you and still love you no matter what decisions you need to make for your own self care.

You know, you bring up a really powerful point and you know, even with you staying back for the holiday, and I'm not sure, you know, what that all is besides recharging, but for me, sometimes I've had to stay back from certain things or not go and visit family for a while simply because I was in a transitional phase of learning to be somebody else. And the environments that I would put myself in were much stronger at the time than my new habits that I was forming and commitments were. So sometimes I had to stay back to even see what it was that I was trying to do or become or understand how I could react in different situations. But I just wasn't yet ready, you know, to flex that muscle yet.

Mm, it's. Oof. Man, it's tough to break out of those old ways of being, but man, is it so worth it. To experiment, you gotta be willing to risk not being liked a little bit. You gotta risk making mistakes. You know, maybe you try something and it doesn't work, but that is the only way that we really grow and learn. So I just encourage you to risk and make a mistake. But do it with love. Do it with love for yourself. Do it with love for the other people that it might affect. And you know, be willing to get it wrong because you might get it right.

Mm, so good. So for stress, do you have anything besides just, you know, going away for? I know that you love to take that self time when you're maybe at your parents or in laws. Is there anything else that you do or think of to kind of deal with stress around the holidays?

I am a huge guided meditation junkie. I love them so much. I am a lifelong meditation struggler, but I think that's all of us, right? Let's be honest. Meditation is about losing it and coming back. That's it. But I love guided meditations so much, I started, you know, I started recording my own for both me and my clients. I listened to them on YouTube. I mean, I love them so much. It's such a great way to have somebody else's voice, a loving outside force, help you calm down physically with the breathing, with the, you know, maybe tension release, exercise and then have them implant or at least offer new suggestions, new thoughts that you can say, yeah, I like that idea. I can relax into confidence. What? You know, I trust my body. Now. All, all the guided meditations that I listen to are really about coming back to just, everything's okay, everything's okay. I can trust myself. The universe is on my side. My body is calm. And once you calm down, you're able to think clearly. You can't make good decisions from a place of stress. So if you find yourself in a stressful situation or conversation over the holidays with your family, I recommend that you ask for a pause, ask for a timeout, say, you know, I need to just go take a break. Can we please pick this up later? Give them like an hour or two hours, whatever. Go to your room, go to your car, go for a walk, listen to a guided meditation just to help you calm down. And once your heart rate goes down, your body feels relaxed, you'll be able to think clearly. That's really the best option.

I was literally just doing like a Facebook live on meditation. And you just hit on so many reasons why it's vital. And it really is just practice for patience. Because we know I too have a Struggling meditation practice. And the biggest thing that it's taught me is, you know, you never want to sit and be patient and be calm, especially in times of stress. But if you can get that practice down, we learn the tools and the ways in which to calm down. So it's really just a practice of expanding our attention span and being able to calm down in times that we don't want to or to get focused or listen in. So that is so beautiful. Do you have any favorites that you want to listen or that. That you listen to or where can we find yours as well?

Oh, so I do. I have three that people can download. One is about relaxing into confidence. There's one that's a beautiful body image meditation. And there's also a get moving and ending procrastination. Like, really moving beyond fear. That's what that one is about. And people can go to Bit Ly three Free meditations to download those three.

Ooh, we'll put those in the show notes too, because I will be going to those. You, like, hit the nail, like, some.

Of the most important topics.

I'm like, I need that. I need that, and I need that. Awesome. Okay, so as far as you know, it sounds like. So you just got married six months ago. Is that right? Congratulations. That is so exciting. I'm like one of those old, crusty married couples. I've been married 11 years, which is. It just gets better and better and better. I'm telling you, it's so good. Been together 14, but it's just like marriage is. Is the bomb. So anyway, I want to chat about that. So how do you guys incorporate all of this together? Do you ever not see eye to eye on certain boundaries or play or different ideas? And how do you come together and make sure that you incorporate it? Because, you know, we know that we share the same life now.

Oh, yeah, we sometimes have problems. Sure. I hear you, actually. So this is so interesting. So we have a conversation, and I. I alluded to it earlier. Oh, my gosh. No, wait. First, I have to tell you our only two relationship rules, okay? If we are getting into a spat, a fight, whatever, we're feeling uncomfortable around each other, we. Either of us can press pause if either one of us hasn't eaten or hasn't slept well, because I sometimes have insomnia or either of us has had even one glass of alcohol, so even one glass of alcohol, because that's usually as much as I can handle anyway. And conversations just don't go well. Fighting just doesn't work. You don't fight fair when alcohol is involved. And by the way, are you starving? Like, if you're starving, just hold. Let's hear some soup. Here, sit down. Eat this. Okay, now let's talk. All right. That's totally how it needs to work. So make sure everybody is like fed, watered, and hasn't any alcohol whatsoever. Then you can talk. Oh my God.

Amazing.

Works. And you know, a little bit of fooling around doesn't hurt either. Like, maybe we should do that first.

And then.

But then we do have this four part conversation that we walk through. In fact, Bob teaches us. He's a consultant. He works with some like Fortune 50 companies and he teaches this to their boardrooms. I teach this to my one on one clients. How to have challenging conversations so that everybody feels seen and heard, like I was alluding to earlier. So I want you to talk about your intentions. You know, state your intentions for this conversation and then have them share their intentions back. And then I want you to share your concerns. What are you worried about? What's troubling you? And then have them share their concerns back. Then you talk about your boundaries. Like, I don't like this, I don't want this to happen. And then they share theirs. And finally you end on desires. Like my desires are really for us to feel more connected. I want this holiday to be amazing. I really want to spend good time with you. I really want to feel like we're on the same team. Like really end on the high note, what you really want for everyone. And if you do that four part conversation and ours is ongoing, I swear it is. So it's a breakthrough. Wow.

That is like one of those things where we really need that plaque on the wall when you walk into a home or these are our agreements. I don't know if you've ever been to Soul Cycle, but there's like agreements on the wall. Let's. This is who we are. This is what we do. This is what you can expect. We're gonna have fun. You don't disrespect. Blah, blah, blah. There's like all these incredible things written on the wall that are super inspiring. It's like if we just had this up in all of our homes.

Yes, exactly.

How powerful would that be? Because so much of it is unexpressed actual desires that we're not saying. It's like they just come out with maybe someone feeling controlled or us wanting to control. When really if we said the core desire or core fear, we could, you know, be comforted. Or someone could Agree with us or see how we feel about that. So do you guys give yourself space to do that, like, through a time? Because it does. When you're heated. I mean, this conversation is not easy. So how does that look?

Oh, my gosh, yes. When. When things are heated, it is not easy for sure.

You're like, screw that.

I'm not doing it. Conversation, my ass. Well, again. Okay, is everyone fed, watered? Like, check in with that. And sometimes you just need a break. Sometimes you need to go to your separate corners. But I'm one of those people. Have you heard of, like, the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse? No. These are four habits that are in failing relationships. One is when is stonewalling. And this is something that my husband rarely does anymore, but he has done it in the past. And that is the person who, like, shuts down or is like, I'm leaving. I'm not talking about this anymore. Fine, we're done. You know, that is like a death knell for a conversation and ultimately a relationship. So, you know, just check in about these things. Like, are you belittling each other? Right? Are you bringing up past stuff that's not really about this current moment? We need to focus on this. This thing right now, and we're going to be in this conversation together. I, you know, I. I can't stand it when somebody says, no, I can't do this now. I'm, you know, I'm leaving. I'm like, I can't do anything else until we resolve this. Can't sleep. Please don't leave. We need to talk about this. So, I mean, if you need to take a break, take a break. If you're too amped up and they're not willing to have the kind of conversation that you want, then, yeah, maybe you have to excuse your. And go relax with the meditation. Go outside, walk, take a hot shower. Oh, my gosh. Hot showers fix 90% of my problems. Yes. That's what I got for you right now.

Did you cover all the things in the Four Habits of Failing Relationships? Because my ears just perked up over here.

Oh, you know what? I. I would have to look it up. I feel like I can't remember them all right now.

Girl, we could do a whole other podcast on that. So you find them. We'll do a different one.

Perfect.

We'll do that.

We'll do a whole thing on, like, communication and relationships later.

That is so good. I. I used to do that. It was so bad. I couldn't figure out why. I'm like, what is wrong with all of these men. And I would just run. I'd simply just run.

Yeah. Oh, I'm not talking to them.

Oh, and it's over. Okay, we're done here. That didn't work very well. Okay, so. So any last points that you want to bring up? I know we talked about cravings, boundaries, play and pleasure. Maybe just something that kind of ties those things in that we can chat about into dipping into all. Making sure that we're dipping into all those different areas.

Well, you know, let's go back to cravings for a bit.

Yes.

How, you know, how I really tripped into examining and studying cravings was, you know, I was vegan for over a decade after we made Super Size Me. I wrote three vegan cookbooks. And I mean, just did all the things, Was professionally vegan, did all the things. And then in my mid-30s, I started getting really sick again. And it was so challenging. I tried for two years to fix what was going on. I mean, chronic issues, and nothing was working. And I started craving meat. This was bad. This was good. This is very bad, very off brand. And I started secretly eating meat because nothing else I was doing was working. And my body said, oh, thank you, please, more of that. But my brain was like, no, don't do it. And I struggled, I struggled in silence alone for a long time over this. And I finally started telling some friends. I finally went to another doctor for some more testing. And I, I mean, chronic, chronic anemia, all these hormone issues, like so much was going wrong and they're like, you need, you know, if, if meat feels good to eat, then try that. You know, what feels good to you, like truly soul level deep in your bones, good to you is probably good for you. And it really took a lot of soul searching to come around to the fact that I could still be a good person and need to eat meat. And I know there were. And when I finally, like, came out, is no longer vegan. It was quite vicious viral thing. There was a lot of backlash. And I realized that's why women are so afraid to fail at diets because we so define ourselves by what we eat. And when we discover that one way doesn't work for us or this isn't going well, I don't feel good eating like this. I mean, I have a good friend who's a paleo expert. She's written books on this and she is eating plant based behind the curtains right now because it's not. She can't do it anymore. It's not good for her anymore. And I'm like, this is crazy. We shouldn't be afraid to do what we need to do for our own well being. But we are because we don't live in a culture that's supportive of real, you know, change. There's a lot of judgment around women's food and women's bodies. And when I look at cravings now, what I really see is messages. Like your cravings are messages from your soul and your body about what you really need. And it's up to you to do the work, to dive into them and interpret them and understand what's really being asked of you.

That, you know, it's really eye opening because I had another vegan on who was telling me because she kind of did the same thing. It was like her entire brand. And just the emotions that you go through and the fear and the shame that you go through alone. And it's like we are so identified with. It doesn't matter if it's food or a title. It's still. It's like we're putting ourselves in this box and a title and it's like the more grace we can give ourselves and understand, you know, we are ever changing, that is like the most. The more comfortable we can get with just uncertainty and understanding that we are just, just how we feel right now. I mean, I can tell you this because I was raised in a very religious family. And if you would have asked me, you know, 20 years ago about what my faith would be in the future, I would never have believed you, ever. And it's like those can be things that are so. I mean, it can rock our worlds. Right? So how do we kind of get these beliefs and these things that we would live for or die for, yet at the same time being open and willing and pliable? Does that make sense? What are some things that you keep in your mind?

Well, maybe this comes with experience and years, but I am a lifelong learner. I know. I love going to a library or a bookstore and just exploring. What I love about that is not only like the happy places in my brain light up when I learn something new. It's that it reminds me that, oh, there's so much to learn, there's so much I don't yet know. There's so much out there. And I'm willing to examine my own beliefs. I'm willing to be wrong. You know, that, oh, that was one of the relationship apocalypse things. Do you have to be right all the time?

Yes.

You know, I am not. I am a recovering perfectionist and serious type A earlier on in my life. And I am now happily willing to be like a C plus or B minus. Because what I mean by that is it's not like I'm not trying hard. It's not like I'm not going for my mission and my purpose. It's like, you know what? I'm gonna try things. And that comes with like trying things and being like, oh, well, wait, that wasn't, that wasn't right. You know, I'm still lovable even if I get things wrong, right? You wouldn't talk to a 10 month old or a 1 year old who's learning how to walk, who's like, you know, standing up and falling down and toddling and like, oh, oh, fell down on your butt. You wouldn't say to that, baby, you dumb baby, you're the worst walker ever. You just sit there and you're never going to learn how to walk. Right? Why can't we give that same grace to ourselves as adults? We need that.

So do you have any favorite failures that maybe felt like the world was ending at the time that have changed your life?

Oh my gosh. So this is so I, Morgan and I divorced. We have an amazing 10 year old son together. But when we divorced, it took me like over a year to come out of the. What I now see was like a long depression. Really, really was depressed. Totally disconnected from my body, from my joy. I was just a mom trying to get through. And when I finally like came out of the fog, it's like, oh, I have a body I should date. Like, I don't think I'd ever really dated before. Serial monogamist. Lori. I had over 100 first dates in a year and a half because I didn't know what I like, I was like, I don't know what I want and I know I don't want to get married. So I'm just gonna try everybody on. I'm just gonna like see how they feel. And some dates were horrible, so horrible. But now they're hilarious, right? They're great cocktail stories. So a lot of my dates were utter and total failures. And it was such a great experience to go through all that rejection and to realize, okay, I'm with somebody, want to be with after five seconds of being on the date. But what I did discover along the way is like, I can trust myself, like I can trust my body to tell me who feels good to be with what I want. And that was just an incredible learning process. So a lot of failures along the Way with dating.

That's like a whole other podcast. What you. What did you learn from a hundred dates?

So much. So much. We're gonna have to bleep a lot.

That's amazing. I've only had, like, a few. Well, because, you know, I got married pretty young, but I did have a few dates where I was like, is this really happening right now? Like, where is the camera? I'm totally gonna make a movie out of this. This is amazing.

Seriously.

What is the. What is your favorite boundary that you're most proud of?

You know, I am. In the last year, I have been able to tell the two men in my life, my son and my husband. Guys, I really need to take a little solo vacation. I've done that twice this year. I really need time alone in nature to really, really recharge. And it's been a roller coaster of a few years. A lot of great stuff, A lot of really hard stuff as well. And, like, after my husband had a burst disc and two months of horrible pain, and I was his total caretaker and running my business and taking care of my kid, and I was like, I love you so much. I'm so glad you're feeling better. I need to leave now. I need to go to the forest. And I rented a cabin and I took three days by myself. And I do not feel guilty at all. In fact, they're incredibly supportive of me because they know when I come back, I am, like, relaxed and I love them and all is good. It's not like I'm trying to escape them. I just need to go be in the trees by myself for a while.

You're just trying to love them more. That's what I always think about. It's like, if I love me more, if I'm at peace, I go hug trees. We're gonna be all good in the hood. All right, so where can we. First of all, we are so grateful for you. I know that I'm speaking for everybody who is listening right now. I'm just beyond grateful for the knowledge and the wisdom and just all of these fantastic tips as we move into the holidays. And where can we find you? Follow you, see all of your work?

Well, you can go to Alexandra Jamieson.com but I really recommend getting, like, get these three meditations. Go to bit lynch3, number three free meditations. And then you'll just be added to my newsletter list. I send out one newsletter a week, and it'll be a great way you'll hear my voice reading to you soothingly. It'll be lovely.

I love that. Okay, wonderful. And then just your book because I want to get your book. So your latest one, what was it?

Yes. Women, food and desire.

Yes.

Really Reclaiming your body, making peace with food, and using your cravings as your guide. It's a new way to use your food and body as your friends, your allies.

And is that on your site?

It is. It's on my site. It's on Amazon. It's on Audible everywhere.

Perfect. Okay, you can join me on a run then. That's amazing. You'll be running with me for a while. Okay. So thank you so much for being on. I always close with a final question. So if you are on a quick elevator ride with someone about 30 seconds and they look over at you and they say, how can I make myself happy? What do you say?

Oh, gosh, I would give them a hug. Like I would give them a 30 second hug. You know, there's great science that shows a 10 second hug, especially heart to heart. It's actually the opposite way. Most of us go in for a hug. Put up your left arm to hug around someone, then it's heart to heart. Your hearts will actually get into unison and you'll start exuding oxytocin together, which is the love and bonding hormone, which is so relaxing and happifying. So get a hug connection.

Thank you so much for being on the show. And you guys, if you love this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it with your friends and family. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys, guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought, an honest comment, Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again, guys. Bye. Bye.