884. Why You Need To Play Bigger And How To Stop Holding Back

We have to start just letting it be okay to not be okay and to fail and to fail faster and to learn how to fail. And I really think that if you want to know how to win, you have to learn how to fail. Meaning you just fail faster and you surround yourself with the right people and you act faster.

Hey, everyone.

Welcome back to the podcast. It's another episode episode of behind the Scenes of Building a Business. And I'm sitting here with my incredible co host, Lauren Kuhlman, who is also my chief of staff, my right hand, and the woman who essentially knows the ins and outs of everything Light pink. So, Lauren, you have an incredible topic that you have also been thinking about along with me recently. What are we going to talk about today?

We are going to talk about why we need to play bigger and how to not hold back anymore. Like, why are we holding back so much and why are we not playing bigger? It's been on my mind lately. I've been hearing it in podcasts a little bit, and I've just been, like, thinking really deeply also, just because of other things in, like, personal life too, that have happened that just make me think a lot bigger and more meaningful and thoughtful. So when I brought this up to you, you're like, oh, my gosh, I was just thinking about all of this as well. So let's totally riff on this podcast and just start sharing what's been on our minds lately. Oh, yes. So I'm so excited because I feel like we can go in so many different angles with this that are going to even open up more for me, I think, as we talk about this. But I'm really excited to share a lot of even realizations that I've had just from working with you around this as well. So I'm going to ask you a couple questions because I want people to hear a lot about how you lead. But first, I want to ask, what has made you play bigger and not hold back?

Oh, man, this is such a great question. And, you know, as I'm answering it, I'm like, I still feel like I'm not playing half as big as I want to, and I still feel like I'm really holding back in certain areas. And I think we'll always feel that way. But I will say stepping into Light Pink was like one of the biggest, the moments of my life where I was like, okay, now I'm in this. Like, now I feel like I just stepped into the big girls league, like the big girls arena, and I am scared shitless. So it was definitely the time time where I was like, oh, God, I thought I was playing big before, but this is like a whole new world. And what helped me step into light pink was really honestly. And, Lauren, you and I were just talking about this. I know that you had some stuff in your personal life happen recently that was really traumatic for some of your family, and it is the thought of. About our mortality. It is literally the thought that I am going to die and you are going to die, and everybody that we are walking around with right now are going to die. And if some people are, oh, my God, this is not the podcast I wanted to listen. I promise you it's gonna. We're gonna light you up in just a minute. But doing as many podcasts as I've done, I've also gotten to talk to so many freaking successful people who, when you actually get this, this is when you can start living. It's funny, Lauren, I just posted a post. I didn't even know we were gonna talk about this. About talking about starting to live, as if you really knew you were going to die. Like, that life is not promised to you tomorrow. And when you understand this, you start to realize that you don't want to waste it. Like, you literally don't want to waste what could have been. So this might seem crazy to people, but I actually allow myself to sit and think, like, if I wasn't promised tomorrow, like, if I knew that I was leaving the planet tomorrow, what will I have regrets around what seems so significant to me now? Thinking that I'm going to live forever and have to, like, face all these people and worry about my reputation and all of that stuff? Like, what are these insignificant things that I worry about? Like, oh, well, I'm afraid to send that email because what will they think? Will they think that I'm, you know, who does she think she is? Oh, my God, she's so insignificant. And, you know, she's asking for this big thing, or she wants to be a part of this, or, I can't believe she asked me to dinner. Like, who cares? You're going to die. And the person that you sent the email to who might, may or may not reject you, they're going to die, too. So there you go. So if you're embarrassed, they're also going to die.

I think it's like that thinking before any scary thing, just thinking, like, they're going to die, too. So. So it makes you feel like you can do anything.

You're like, all right, so we're all kind of Just here for a really short time. You better just do all of the big shit that you possibly. Because at the end of the day, when I picture, okay, Lauren, if I was not here tomorrow, what am I going to have regrets around? And it makes it seem a lot more insignificant. Like, okay, well, how would I just go send that email? How would I ask that person to dinner? The thing I love with the Mel Robbins is that she came out with that five four, three, two, one book, I believe it was. So, like, I literally say that when I'm about to do something that scares me, I'll write it up. I'll write the email, I'll write the DM while I'm excited. And as I go to send it, I'm like, okay, you're sending it on 1, like, 5, 4, 1. I send it and I literally walk away. And I'm like, now I'm not allowed to check. I'm not allowed to go back and freak out about it. I literally have to forget about it until I get a response or until I remember. And if I don't have a response to send it again. So that is a practice, and that is what helps me play bigger. I think, you know, as I said that what helps me play bigger too is, like, not feeling so freaking attached to, to all of these scary things that we do. Like, oh, my God, if I don't get a yes, then I'm a failure or I'm not worthy. And my friend Chalene Johnson just posted the other day a reel about show me a successful woman who is afraid to fail and you're not going to find her. Because a successful woman is okay with failing, we actually realize that it is a massive part of success. And that just really, really resonated with me because we have to start just letting it be okay to not be okay and to fail and to fail faster and to learn how to fail. And I really think that if you want to know how to win, you have to learn how to fail. Meaning you just fail faster and you surround yourself with the right people and you act faster.

Oh, 100%. Because you learn from every single failure, and that's how you grow and get through one experience to the next. And you're like, okay, how did I even through a workout. I feel like you go through the struggle through a workout. You know, it's temporary. You get on the other side and you feel so accomplished and so great. And that's the same thing in every single failure and challenge in life and in business. So, yeah, it's taking fast action.

You guys, I took Lauren's bar class because she teaches bar, and I was the first time I've ever done bar. It was freaking amazing. I did think that my day to die was that day.

Squeezing that little.

Ball of death while doing little plie squats. And, you guys, I, like, normally, like, lift a lot of weights, and I was dying.

Yeah, you normally kill me in your workout, so I had to pay you back.

Exactly. So try it.

There you go. Okay, so we both almost killed each other. But I agree with taking the fast action, and I've been hearing a lot of that, too, is like, taking fast action even through your failures. Like, don't think about, obviously reflect, but don't beat yourself up over your failures, but learn from them and be like, okay, what's the worst that can happen? Like, think about that with everything too. When you're scared of something, like, what's the worst that could happen? And I feel like there's a quote or a saying about, like, would you rather do this scary hard thing or whatever and have, you know, like, something bad happen, or would you rather, like, not do it at all and not know what would happen? I'm butchering it, but you know what I mean, like, that's so true.

Because you know what? Everybody's been through bad stuff. Who's listening?

And at the end of the day.

I hope you realize as you're listening to this, you've gotten through it. You've gotten through it, and you probably learned some of the biggest lessons of your life. On the other side, I just have to share because you talked about don't beat yourself up over it. And I just did a podcast with a doctor who talks about mindset and just, like, mental health, and he was saying when you fail, you got to kind of, like, say in your head, it actually helps to talk in the third person and have grace with yourself. Like, when I screw up, I do it all the time. I didn't even know I was doing it. I was like, okay, Lori, everybody fails. Everybody screws up like this. What matters is what you do next. So are you gonna sit or are you gonna pick yourself up and go do what you need to do, or surround yourself with someone who can help.

You get your mind off of this 100%. And I think what you said about surrounding yourself with the people, I think you've done a really good job of finding the right people to surro yourself with to help you play bigger and to not hold yourself back. So I would love for you to chat more about how you find those people and how you know who those people are that are helping you play big, bigger and up level yourself.

Such a great question. And honestly, this, you have to get in the room with more successful people than you. There is no way around it. Or you have to get in the room with people who, even if they're not more successful than you are, like fierce freaking cheerleaders who call you out on your bullshit. And once you start doing this, like, once you do it one person at a time. And when I say this, like, building your network takes so many years. You guys, like one year you might join a mastermind. And the network that you start building is the people in the mastermind. So now you've kind of like built up this network of however many people were in it. Maybe it's 20, maybe it was 50, maybe you found like three really core people who you take with you, meaning, like throughout your journey, your life, over the next year. So now you have these like three really poor people. Or maybe just even one is great for building your network. And then you join another mastermind. Or you start going to different events, or you go to networking events, or you decide to create something where you get people together so that they kind of come to you. Whether it's like a monthly dinner or, you know, every six months, you try to get a group of people who are in your industry together, whether it's small or large. But it's really about, if it doesn't exist, you do have to create it. I've had to do that multiple times. I build my network as a part of my life. I don't look at building my network as like, oh, pipelines running out. I got to build a network. I actually actively look at my life and see if I'm getting uncomfortable that month and knowing like, am I going to go to dinner with these people? Am I going to ask these people to dinner? Am I going to like, go get in this room? Am I going to plan for this event this summer? I really need to make myself go and get in the rooms with people.

Yep. You are so good at that and you're so good at leading them as well. And like you said, create it. If you, especially if it's like not vibing with you, there might be a lot of events that you're. And you might be going to them, but you're like, these are just not the right people. Or maybe it's you're in a different industry or something. So like you said, just create it. And I'm sure there's going to be people who feel the same way where they're like, oh, this is finally the networking community that I want. So then you're the one who can actually lead. Like, you do the conversations and the strategy and all of that, like, intentionally have it go in the direction that you want it to go. And then you can find the network of people by creating and putting out there the type, like you're attracting the people that you're wanting by putting that out there. So don't be afraid to do that either because so many people will probably benefit from you starting something like that. So another question that I want to ask you, because it's impacted me so much over the last almost year and a half of working with you, is how have you been able to help me play bigger? Because I feel like in any other job that I've had or in my life in general, up to this point, I haven't felt able to play bigger, I guess is the word. And it's some of it's me holding myself back. But you've opened this door, amazing, beautiful door for me to have the confidence and you want me to play bigger. Like, I've never really had that before. So I want to know your magical ways of how you're able to do that.

Well, thank you. And I feel like this has been an intention and a really hard learning curve for me, meaning just like I've had a lot of employees and I feel like, number one, I think this industry allowed me to create leaders a little bit more. More. But I do think it's just from learning from all of my failures of like, oh, people don't really respond well, like when I act this way or when I ask for this, or when they're doing a certain thing all the time, or when I don't have. Here's the biggest thing that I learned. If you want leaders in your company, like, if you want to attract A players, and don't get me wrong, this is actually a big challenge. I've heard this from a lot of people who come and speak at the masterminds or people who own really large companies. They're like, you know, not everyone on your team is an A player. You just try to get as many A players as you can and just make sure that you don't have a B or C player in an A player position because your company is going to be made up of A, B and C players. And people are like, why would you ever do that? It's like, it's just going to be. And so I want in certain positions and in the position you're in, I want a leader. Like, I want an A player. I want someone who can win really, like eventually lead a team as well. And so I know what A players need because I'm an A player. I'm a leader. And I know that an A player needs growth. I know an A player needs to evolve. I know an A player needs to feel seen. I know that an A player needs to feel ownership. And I know that an A player, like, needs to feel like their opinions matter and that their opinions also get used to. And so knowing that, how can I show up for you in a way that lets you know that I want to see you be able to thrive. Like, I actually want your opinions and I want to really take them into consideration. And how do I, when I don't want to take an idea that you have, even if you think it's really good, how do I make sure that you don't feel shot down so you're not afraid next time to share an idea with me? And I really believe that some of the best ideas are going to come from your team, not from you. And if you really want to scale a company, you know, Kris is always in my ear, like, that's not how a founder thinks. That's not a CEO move. A CEO move is not going to be the person who is doing X, Y and Z. Like, empower your team. Empower your team. Empower your team. And it really is the word, empower your team. Like, empower your team to own it. Empower your team to take on a project fully and don't hover or look over their shoulder constantly or be like, check in with me nonstop. Like, give them enough creative room to bring you something and then guide them with your feedback until they get it to a place that you love. And then I think it's also, I think a big thing for me has made me realize, like, it's never going to be exactly how you want it. And if you can't express how you want it, like, if you can't bring that to life, then your team probably can't either. And sometimes meaning, like, it's never going to be exactly how you want it, but it might even be better or it might be different, but you have to let go of thinking that your idea is going to be. It's just going to be like revealed to you.

Like, that's exactly it.

It's totally bang on. I don't actually know anyone who's ever had that, like, emotion, like, immediately, necessarily. Sometimes you sit with it because you may have had an expectation in your head, and then you're like, huh, this is actually better because blank. Or this actually is so close. Or it needs this, because this is how I want this to feel. So I love when you bring me ideas because I can be like, it lets me even know what I like. I'm like, oh, you know what? I actually realized I don't like this. Or I actually realized I do love this. So I think that those are the things that people need to think about with their team is, do you have a place for a. Let's say it's a B player that you want to evolve into an A player. Do you have a place for them to evolve to? And most importantly for your A players, do you have a place for them to continue being challenged and evolved because they're going to want those challenges?

Yes. And you actually see them. And what I love about you is when I was starting as your assistant, it was so amazing to feel like you said you want to have these people feel seen. And I felt like, really for the first time that you actually saw me for the hard details that I'm focused on and, like, all of the systems and processes and just, like, the work ethic and all of the things that I do. You brought them to life and, like, brought them up to me and just acknowledged them. And we're like, wow, you're so talented and you're so gifted. Like, do you know how amazing you are at all this stuff? And I'm like, well, even in certain ways, I was like, well, this is just what I do. But I also know there's certain things about me that I'm like, yeah, like, I know I'm good at this stuff, but there were certain things where you're like, oh, you're really good at this too. And I'm like, oh, I just. I've been doing this for so long. Or like, my whole life is just ingrained in me that I just thought everybody else was like that.

I want to point that out because you bring up such a great recognizing when you have somebody in maybe like a C or B position, great, that's wonderful. But recognizing right away when their talent is far superior than that and putting them into, like, challenge them right away with some other projects. So that's what we started doing because I. It didn't take me long to know that where I wanted to put you, I didn't necessarily have a title yet. But I knew where I wanted you to be because I was like, wait a minute. I'm giving this girl all of these projects that I thought would take a lot longer, and she's, like, not only crushing them, but organizing them and really looking ahead of the foreseeable future and seeing what we're going to need and anticipating needs, which is just, like, one of the biggest things that people can do if they want to excel at a job. And I think for me, just observing the amount of anticipated needs and, like, where could this go wrong? And being extra detailed and making sure that we get what we need from people in teams, I was like, wait a minute. This is not normal. So if you guys are noted, because I've worked with so many people that this is not a normal employee that I'm working with here, or this is not the average person that I hire for this position. And I was like, I don't actually know if she knows how good she is. So recognizing and telling and nurturing and then adding other tasks fairly quickly to see where's that threshold and where's that tolerance and where's the skill set. And as I added projects, I had to know, like, it was okay if you screw these up. Like, I had to tell Lauren that I remember telling you that a lot because you were so afraid of, like, doing something wrong. And it was like, I know that I'm giving you a big project, but I'm also okay. Like, we can fix this if these things get screwed up. Like, everything is fixable. And I think maybe that's why you feel you don't go and do things. Freaked out. Like, I'm gonna ruin this. It's like, anything that we have been like, okay, well, this is really sucky that I've done or you've done. Like, we've been like, but we're gonna get through, and we're gonna fix it right away.

So totally. That's such a good point. Yes. You've definitely allowed me to fail. And when I have, it wasn't the end of the world either. So I feel like I'm already. And most people probably are hard on themselves where it's like, you already know when you screw up, like, never to do it again. And, like, put a procedure in place to fix it for next time. So that, again, that's part of, like, failing, but playing bigger. So, like, you've called me up to play bigger, but there are times that I fail and forget to do something, but then that's where I grow and have a new system in place that makes me better for all the other things to come in that are bigger, for light pink that I can actually handle and manage because I failed in the past and acted fast. And what was it that you said like how are you going to respond to the failure? Like you put something new in place and that allows you to continue to play bigger going forward. But you've allowed me to have more confidence because you've given me more tasks and you're like okay, just like run with it. Let me know questions that you have. But you didn't. Like you said look over my shoulder and micromanage and take all of the. Like you didn't say this is exactly how I want it from step A to Z. Just do all the tasks. You were like okay, this needs done. Feel free to email yeah.

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You always do. And I think that that's the thing is like as you're talking, it's just I've learned from so many amazing leaders, like to not lead from fear. And there is a leadership style that people really believe works and it does get results. I'm going to be super honest, I've seen it work, it's worked on me. But I don't think it has sustainability where people lead from that place of like, oh, you better not fuck up again because you won't have your job after this. Like, then what does your person think the whole time? The mantra in their head is like, I better not fuck up. I better not fuck up. Oh my God. And all of a sudden, what do you think they're doing? They're totally screwing up. So I don't ever want that in your head. Like, I never ever want that in someone's head. Like, oh my gosh, she said one more time like this. Or that was so terrible. Don't freaking do this again. Like, I don't want that type of emotion, like running through anyone that I'm working with, like running through their head ever.

Right? And that's going to make them play small if they're constantly scared. If I had that feeling, I would be like, oh, I'm going to like, maybe bring the smallest, like, slightest idea to the table maybe. But if I wasn't treated that way, like, I'm not, then I'll bring up anything. And it can be like, oh, maybe not, or oh, maybe this, but this. Like, I can bring anything up, say anything, ask anything, and there's no fear around it, which allows me to literally be called up and even challenge myself to be called up to play bigger in areas that I'm not comfortable in or experienced in or any of that. But then learning to love it so much, it's kind of crazy. Like supply chain things or attorney things that sound so scary and like, oh my gosh, am I able to know what I'm doing when I'm talking to this attorney? And I think that's something too, is like challenging yourself to get in those situations in life or business where you're like, am I educated enough? Do I know enough about investing to have this conversation with an attorney? And you just have to put yourself out there and even say, like, you know, I don't know everything and I want to learn, so you might need to help me along the way. But here's what I know and here's where I know I need some help and here's where I know I need some guidance. And you build your confidence and you learn so much so quickly when you're kind of just thrown into, into it. So I would advise anybody, even if it's like going to an event that you're like, oh my gosh, this is way above me, that's actually the way that you're going to grow and challenge yourself. Because not the people who are not doing as much as you, who you're the most successful one in the room or the most experienced one in the room, like, you're not going to learn from anybody else underneath you who hasn't done those challenges before in front of you. So I think it's in life and in business to not feel so intimidated and going back to not having the fear of failure because what's the worst that can happen? And just like, where can you play a little bit bigger and where do you acknowledge maybe even every single day what I want to start doing even more is like, where did I hold back today? Where could I have played a little bit bigger? Where can I add more value whether it's business or in my actual day to day life as well?

Oh my God, I love those questions. You Guys, that's such a good journal prompt to do. Maybe from the day before, you know, if you journal in the morning or if you journal at night, that is such a good prompt. Like, where could I have played bigger? Where did I hold back? And just having the loving, graceful acknowledgement of it being like, okay, I'm going to try a little bit harder tomorrow. I love that so much. Lauren, it is like my absolute pleasure and honor to podcast with you. It's always like one of the things I look forward to during the week. And you guys, we're so grateful for you. So make sure you give us a.

Tag, a shout out, and let us.

Know what your biggest takeaway was. And Lauren, where are we going for questions? Are we having them send questions to any spot? Is that the text list?

Yes, the text list would be the best. DM is fine on Instagram as well. So you can text us at 310-496-8363 with and just put the word light pink and then just type your question there. Anything that you would like us to answer on any of the upcoming podcasts.

Amazing. So you're just going to text the word light pink to that number and then after that you'll get some prompts and then you can just text your question and we will get it. And what's so much fun is, Lauren, we can start shouting out their names with their question. So you guys, if you want to get a shout out with your question and we can chat with you on the pod, that would be awesome. So until next time, you guys earn your happy and we will talk to you next week.

Bye. Bye. Bye.