898. Get What You Want: Julie Solomon On How To Pitch Yourself, Overcome Limiting Beliefs And Discover Your True Purpose

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Shame can't survive in the light and so it's the first step of being aware that I have this and it is what it is just for today. And then I think the next step is accepting. And I think accepting is the hardest part. People can have awareness about something and then want to immediately go fix it or take some kind of action, but I think you really have to accept what it is as it is. Because what the acceptance did for me is that it thawed me out.

Hey everyone.

Hey everyone.

Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited for my guest today. Her name is Julie Solomon. We got to briefly meet at one of our friends book launches years and years ago, but today I actually got to drop in with her, which I've been wanting to do since I met her that day. That was probably like five years ago now, so. Julie Solomon has been empowering lives for more than 15 years, including her own. The host of the Influencer Podcast has launched several successful online programs and masterminds including Pitch It Perfect. I love that Name, the Influencer Academy and Shine Mastermind. She helps women turn their messages into movements and empowers entrepreneurs to grow their influence and impact.

Through her work, she was recently named.

One of the top 100 leaders influencer marketing. That is crazy. That is insane. I love this. In her weekly chart topping podcast, the Influencer Podcast, she offers up real time coaching, straight talk and conversations about business and personal development. Her work is featured in outlets such as Forbe Entrepreneur, Business Weekly, Success People Magazine. She is living in Nashville with her husband, award winning actor and activist Jonathan and her two children Camden and Lily Jo and their sassy Pomeranian, Foxy. You guys, let's get into the show.

Julie, I'm so excited to have you on the show. Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you so much for having me. Lori. I've always just been such a fan of you and have always just really respected and appreciated everything that you do and I've always been a supporter. So thank you for having me here.

Oh, my gosh. Well, the feeling is so mutual. And thank God I recorded that so I can go back and listen. I'm really, really excited for this conversation today, number one, because we just got to kind of catch up and I really quickly learned that we love a lot of the same topics, not only to talk about, but to really help different people through and show people that you have definitely blazed this path and been there before. And now you're turning around and helping people with your new book, which is such a great title. Get what you want. How to go from unseen to Unstoppable. And I know a lot of your story is interwoven into this book, so for those people who maybe don't know who you are, I would love for you to just back up a bit and let people know, number one, what were some of the stories that really catapulted why you wrote it and what you're doing now?

Yeah. So, Julie Solomon, if you do have listeners that know who I am, I've heard my name. They may know me from my podcast, the Influencer Podcast. I've also been in the online space for almost 10 years now. I have online courses and programs, one called Pitch It Perfect, another one called the Influencer Academy, and have a mastermind called Shine, and a membership called Empower your. So really run the gamut in the online space, as you know, Lori, all about that. And before that I was in PR, so I did music and book publicity for about 10 years in the corporate and agency space before I really kind of had my reckoning moment of like, what the heck am I doing in life and what do I really want to be doing? Which really led me to where I am today. And the book came about, actually about three years ago. I was kind of given this chance and this opportunity to write a book. And I'm going to say this because sometimes you'll hear someone that writes a book and they're like, I never thought I would write a book. And I always laugh at that. And I'm like, is that true? Because if you really thought you'd never gonna write a book, you probably wouldn't have written a. So I think that that although it can sound very humbling, I think it actually denies a lot of the passion and the vision and the light that comes from sharing your voice. So I'm not gonna say that I always wanted to write a book. I never knew what I would write a book about, how I would write it, who I would write it with, who was gonna support me in this endeavor, how it would come about, but I always knew why. And for me, I'm a communicator. I come from whatever galactic universe where there are communicators. Like, I am a starseed here to speak. And the way that I do that is through writing, teaching, podcasting. Lori, I think that you and I have probably have that in common. Yes, definitely.

From that same planet. Yes.

Yes. And so I can't not connect through communication and through words. It's just part of my very existence. So, of course, I always wanted to write a book. Of course it was always in me. But how it would come about, I didn't really know. And so it wasn't until I kind of started writing that it unfolded. So, to answer your question, the way the book came about, get what you want was really because I didn't have what I wanted for a very, very long time. And I always felt, for a very long time, very unseen, very confused, very lost, always worrying about pleasing others, keeping the status quo, doing what I was supposed to. You know, I have a chapter in the book called supposed to means crap, and I lived by that for a very long time. And so I knew that I had to really start to share some of my story of how I was able to shed these origin stories, belief systems that I had that had kept me stuck for so long, that then allowed me to get to the other side of what was possible for my life and how I live it today.

Okay, so you have some stories in this book. I know that you had mentioned that you don't typically share a lot of your personal life out in the world, but in this book, this is the first time you did it. Number one, I'm so excited to hear them, because I really know that these are the ones that move the beliefs and needles the most for people. But I also know how freaking scary that is, Writing that in a book and waiting for it to release and, you know, not knowing how that's going to be received. How did you first, before you share one, how did you come to a place to know? I get this question a lot around people who want to put creation or anything out into the world. How did you know what needed to be shared and how did you know what to kind of keep to yourself, and then once you decided a big one needed to be shared, that scared you. How are you kind of like, making peace with that?

Yeah, so I've always kind of been a bit of a vault and kind of like a. Let's just focus down and get the stuff done, right? We're not here to, like, sing Kumbaya on the corner. Let's just, like, get work done. And there can be strength in that, but there can also be weaknesses. You know, I was raised to believe that being a quote, unquote victim is bad and gross. And so people that kind of just like, overshare and, like, bleed their whole life all over social media was something that I always kind of battled with. You know, this idea of, like, how do I basically share from a scar and not from a wound? How do I not overshare and bleed all over? How do I also not judge myself or other people in the process of their own discovery and uncovering of that, but how do I also let my myself be seen? And I actually, there's a quote in the book that I say, you can't hide yourself and expect to be seen. And I think that I was doing that for a very long time. And so what really kicked it off for me was that I remember reading a book several years ago from one of my favorite female entrepreneurs. And in my eyes, this woman had everything. I mean, she thriving business, speaking on stages, had served the world globally, had changed so many lives. She was just everything. And I pick up her book and I'm so excited because not only do I want to hear about strategies and how to do this or that, but I was really hoping that I could learn a little bit more about her because, like me, she's kind of evolved. And I was hoping that maybe I could see myself in her and not feel so disconnected and not feel so alone. So I pick up the book and I start going through it. And Lori, literally everything in the book was just like a copy and paste of all of her work, like, all of her podcasts, all of her YouTube stuff, all of her courses. And I knew this woman's work so well by that point that I started to be like, oh, then she's going to tell this story, and then she's going to tell this story. And so I got like a third away through the book, closed it, put it on my shelf, and never opened it again. And that's when I knew that if I ever got the chance to write a book and let alone have someone read the dang thing, like, I was going to have to share more than just what was safe. And so that's when I knew that I needed to go deeper and how I decided what that was going to be, at least for this book. Because the focus of this book is really about Stepping into your power and your lightness. It's really about cracking you open so you can shine, which is what we're all supposed to do in this world. It had to start with all of those things that kind of kept me from doing that. And so I decided to share some stories about my childhood, about growing up in the family that I grew up with. I did not have a lot of money growing up. There's a lot of issues around my money, my beliefs about money, my ability to make money. I grew up with a lot of alcoholism and addiction in my life. And so there was a lot of shaping and fixing and control and people pleasing that I would do for a very long time. And just again, a lot of hiding. I didn't feel that I could be loved and accepted for who I was. And so I would just start to kind of put on all these masks. Like, do you like this one? Do you like this one? What about this one? And how that kind of unfolded. And so from those core ideas of the things that kept me stuck, and I call them origin stories, that's how I was able to start to unravel what those stories would be.

So good. I know that, you know, even looking back at the history of me deciding to do something and then all of the blocks that come around, that which I know that we'll really dig into, a lot of the first things you have to do are get around number one, these stories, these past beliefs, but also shame. Like, there's some things that really I had to work through that I had buried so deep or hidden or made up a story that if people found out, which is why we hide a lot, right? Like, if people found out, then, you know, I would be a fraud or I would. It feels like you're going to die is what it feels like. If people found this out, I'd feel so much shame, or if my family found this, this out or whatever. Like, you're hiding all of these different things. And the craziest thing is, and I know I'm going to ask you about a story coming up here in a second, but the craziest thing is, is that when they're shared with the right people and you understand how to share them and you get support around that, it's funny how those ultimately become your strengths. Like, these stories that we've hidden for so incredibly long are actually the stories that are going to relate you to exactly who you need to be talking to and connect you so deeply. So let's chat about that, because I know that you have a story about that stems from that money shame that you hold a lot about hiding $30,000 of debt from your husband. Can you tell me about that one?

Yeah. So I kick off the book with this story of I get a phone call from my husband, and he goes, hey, hon, when were you going to tell me about the credit card? And he said it just like that. And I was like, oh. And so, of course, at the time in my life, everything that I had done leading up to this, and this was about a decade ish ago, it like, how do I fix this? How do I fix this? How do I fix this? Right? Because my biggest fear is the fear of being found out, what that means about me. And so I immediately try to go into fix, shape, avoidance, like, whatever I have to do. But, you know, there was no denying it. It was out in the open. He found out about it. I had been amassing for probably about three years, credit card debt, and I go into kind of why I had just become a new mom. I felt very lost and alone in this new city of Los Angeles. I was l in at the time. And the way to fill that void was through shopping and buying things and, you know, connecting with women at stores and not feeling like my only existence was talking to a toddler all day. Not that that's an excuse, but that was really the reason why it kind of started. And then I was so delusional, Lori. Like, the things that I would tell myself, I would be like, well, I'm going to get this new PR gig, and then I'm going to pay it all off and he'll never find out. Or, you know, my husband's an actor. Like, he's going to book this new show, and then he'll be so focused on that, and then I can just, like, you know, pay it off and he'll never know. Or, like, I even started telling myself, like, I'm going to win the lottery.

I felt that way before. Like, delusional. Yes.

So delusional. And it's in the most delusional part, Lori, was I wasn't even buying lottery tickets. Like, I was just literally being like, I'm going to win the lottery, and then I'll pay this off and he'll never know. And it was that denial, and that delusion just. It kept me in that rut for a very long time. And so now I was faced with the truth, and I couldn't hide from it. And so I had to start getting really honest about why can't I be Honest. Why am I so shameful to admit these things? Why do I feel so much shame around money? Why do I feel so much shame around the ability to make money, to budget money, to use money, to spend money? I mean, all of this stuff. And I dive into really what my origin story was of. I grew up in, you know, a very, very teeny, tiny small town in Tennessee, very rural, working class. My dad grew up in extreme poverty. He lived like in a shack and trailers his whole life. And just kind of seeing how this barely being able to get by was really the way of life, I didn't even know what was possible outside of that. I didn't know that someone could have enough money to do things like save it and invest and use it to better themselves. And, you know, I never knew any of that existed. And so I had to really start pulling back the layers of my belief systems around money and my belief systems around my ability to be honest about money and honest with money and to not be ashamed of money. And luckily from that moment and I was able to start to really peel back the layers. It's kind of of, you know, one of the various rock bottoms that I've had in my life. But that was a great one when it came to me stepping into the, to the leader that I am today, into the businesswoman that I am today.

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It's so crazy what happens when it comes out, right? It's actually, I think, one of the most freeing things that can possibly happen. What would you say to people who maybe, I mean, obviously your worst fear was getting found out, right? Like having that be exposed. But it was probably also the most relieving moment of your life where you're like, okay, this is out. I can actually maybe have some help to confront it and really look at what's been going on. What would you say to someone who has something like that that they have a lot of shame around that maybe nobody's finding out about, but they feel like they just need to relieve this pressure. What are some of the first steps that we can do if we have that, like, deep shame around something?

Yeah, I mean, the first step, I think, is always the awareness. You know, shame can't survive in the light. And so it's the first step of being aware that I have this and it is what it is just for today. And then I think the next step is accepting. And I think accepting is the hardest part. People can have awareness about something and then want to immediately go fix it or take some kind of action. But I think you really have to accept what it is as it is, because acceptance to me, it allowed me to the shame in hiding. That story about the credit card debt kept me frozen. What the acceptance did for me is that it thawed me out. And once I was less frozen, I was able to then think more clearly, have more clarity, see a path, and then take the next indicated actions that were necessary to get me out of that place that was not serving me. So awareness, acceptance, and action, I think in that order, was huge for me.

It's so good. There's so many things we don't do in life because of that. Like, we don't even take the risk. We don't let ourselves dream. It's funny. I have a story around. I did not graduate high school, but I literally lied to everyone and even bought a fake diploma online and got jobs with it. And I had so much shame that I wouldn't move forward in anything and I wouldn't allow myself to go apply for bigger jobs. I wouldn't even think of entrepreneurship because I thought I needed this thing that I couldn't. And it's just so funny that I got married, lied to my husband about it, ended up telling him about it somehow. He was asking me something, and I ended up just losing my marbles and breaking. Breaking down and telling him. But it was the best moment of my entire life because from that moment after it was found out, number one, it's like he still accepted me. I had to learn to accept me. But after that, I had this realization that it didn't matter. Like, it actually didn't matter if I was willing to accept it and get through it. So I love that so much because I know that there are people listening who have something that they are so ashamed and worried about. And it's also going to be the thing. Even if you're like, well, those aren't very big deals, our stories, but maybe they have something really that feels really shameful to them. I really believe there is nothing that you can't work through that isn't going to end up serving someone or really serving that audience later.

You made a really good point too, about that. Because if we don't know that we've been living in denial and delusion for so long, it's like we can't even see what's real. And I think that for me, growing up in a home where alcoholism was present and addictive patterns and behaviors were present, that's all that I knew to be true. And so for anyone that's listening that, you know, maybe you have a similar childhood in that way, the awareness to know, like, oh, I go to these places of delusion and denial and covering things up and fixing and shaping things, because this is what I did as a child, because this is what made me feel safe. I Think that also just the awareness of understanding that can lessen the shame a little bit. Because it's not that you are bad. This is literally just what you are doing. Because it is a pattern that makes you feel safe and makes you feel in this place of contentment. That can also be a little delusional as well. It makes sense conceptually. So I just. I wanted to say that because when you. When you mentioned that, it made me. Because when you were talking about, I was like, oh, yeah, like, who wouldn't go and buy a fake diploma and look like, you know, it's like, oh, yeah, that's completely normal.

Hey, that equals love, right? I was like, nope. This is apparently what everybody thinks is, you know, the way to be loved and is to be smart. Which was just a story that I had heard and picked up on. And it was just like, no, that's my. I'm going to pay for love. This is what you do. So that's how it's going to happen. Okay, so let's talk about confidently pitching yourself to get anything that you want, because it goes back to what we were just talking about is getting to a place where you are accepting of yourself and you love yourself enough to be able to go out there and confidently talk about the things that you like about yourself. How do we get to that place?

Yeah, I mean, confidence is, I think, everything. And it can be so hard to really step into that, like, in a steadfast kind of way. I have not been confident in a lot of areas of my life, but when it comes to pitching and throwing myself out there and testing things out, I have always just done it unabashedly and learn from the experience. I believe that words don't teach. Experience teaches. And I think from my background as a publicist and being thrust into when I lived in New York City and I was working for this, you know, music agency, and it was this room full of incredible, you know, badass women leaders that were, you know, kind of shaping that industry as publicists. It really kind of gave me surrounding myself with those types of women. Even if I wasn't confident, I was able to at the time kind of rub against their confidence in a little bit. And it started to rub off on me. And so I think that if you are someone that doesn't feel that way, that would be my biggest recommendation to you. Start putting yourself in literal or metaphorical rooms of other people that seem to have the kind of work and life that you want. If you find someone that you're like She's a really confident person. I want that in my life. Go connect with that person. Try to be around them. If you can't physically do it, start to consume their content, start to take any type of opportunities that you can to really understand them and how they think and how they tick. That's what I was able to do at a young age. And I think that just being surrounded by that and nothing less than that allowed me to actually start to step into the confidence when it came to my work. And at the time, that was PR and pitching and negotiating. So at a very young age, I was able to really embody that. And I think that that would be my first tip to someone if you're wanting to step in. The next tip that I would have is act as if. And this is different from faking it till you make it. They're kind of similar. But I like to say act as if, because fake is not necessarily the type of word that's energetically going to propel you into an authentic version of yourself. But if you can, act as if. And so this is a little bit of that idea that a lot of people have that, well, you know, I can't really get what I want until I have confidence. So once I have confidence, then I'll get what I want. Well, maybe the confidence comes after you.

Get what you want.

Maybe if you just start working on what it is that you want today, that's actually what is going to give you the confidence. It's that that active forward motion of being in what it is that you're desiring and wanting, that's going to instill that confidence. And so that would be my other tip, is act as if today. Act as if today you have the job of your dream. Act as if today you have the man or woman of your dreams. Act as if today you are living in your dream house. Act as if today you have bought that Range Rover that you've been wanting, whatever those things are. And it can be materialistic or it cannot be materialistic. Act as if today you've lost the £20, whatever that is. And then if you have. If you act as if today that you've lost the 20 pounds, what would that person be thinking, be eating, be spending and using their time on? What would they be listening to? What would they be reading? And if you don't know what it is, I want you to act as if you do know what it is. I want you to make something up, to try it and to see how that feels. Because the embodiment of it, I think, is always the first step. And a lot of times what we do is we wait for it to come to us instead of us coming to it.

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I love that and I really love that you said, you know, even if you, you don't know, act as if you do know. You know, I think one of the biggest things that I used to do, and I think that everybody does, is we use. I can't, I don't know. I don't have the skill set when really, if you say, okay, but if you did know, what would your first step be like? Oh, shit, I have that answer. It's that realization that, like, wow, I really am choosing, I'm choosing to stay in this place. So when we are looking at pitching ourselves conf, we know that we're going to have to, like you said, put some sort of action into play. How do we kind of learn what that pitch should look like? So if we're like, okay, I know I'm going to have to start pitching without the confidence in order to gain the confidence, because we have to take that first action to get that confidence. But what does that first pitch kind of look like? Can you use an example of something maybe you first pitched yourself?

Yeah. So when I was first starting out, I started out as a content creator, blogger at the time. So this is before I was doing the work that I was doing. But I just moved to la, I was hiding money from my husband and I needed to kind of. Right. And I needed to figure out how to really step into something new. I had started to get, I'm still doing publicity work, but I was losing the passion for that and I was wanting to step into a, a new vision for my life. And so I moved to la and I very quickly realized I'm not good at creating lifestyle content. I had so many friends that had these beautiful curated feeds and they were fashion bloggers and beauty bloggers and they could just kill it on YouTube or they had like the most amazing photos and they were sitting front row at Fashion Week. And as hard as I tried to be that, I just wasn't that. And you can look back if you like, really scroll back to Julie Solomon's like 2014, 2015 and Instagram, the photos are still there. Like, you can see this girl desperately trying to be that. And like, it's not hitting. But it was interesting because also at the time, my friends who were doing all of that, they would have Hundreds of thousands of followers, which at the time, that's like having millions today. But they weren't really monetizing. Like they weren't making money. They weren't. Some of them were doing affiliate stuff for reward style and shop style and companies like that, but they weren't really making a lot of money. And I started thinking like, huh, they're spending 60, 70 hours a week on this and they look great and they're really popular, but they have nothing substantial to show from it. And I started thinking, well, you know, I'm starting to go to some blogger events and I'm starting to meet people. And the other thing that I noticed at the same time is that these bloggers would just sit in the corner and like take selfies or talk to themselves. And then you would have all of the brand reps over here that had the money and the power and no one was talking to them. And I'm like, I'm going to go talk to these brand reps. So I started to build relationships, connect with people, talk to people, because I'm a communicator at heart and that is what I do. And I started to pretty quickly and easily pitch, started to work with these brands. I would ask them, and this is what you can do if you're learning how to pitch. It really comes to who you are, what do you offer, who do you serve, and why is it important those four things? You don't have to be a pitch expert with PR background, experience to understand those four things about yourself. And I started asking these brands, I was like, you know, I have like 2000 followers, but I understand marketing budgets. I understand that you're trying to get in front of an audience. I understand these things. So what do you need? I would ask them. I didn't make it about me, I made it about them. I took the spotlight off me and I put the spotlight on the brand. And I said, what is it do you need? And once they told me what it is that I needed, I went back to myself and I said, okay, honestly, can I be a solution provider for what they need? Is there a way that I can spin this and I can make this work and I can act as if to be a solution provider for what they needed? At the time, I couldn't really use followers as like my way in because I just didn't have a lot of followers. But what I did have was relationships. And so I wanted to renovate my house interior design work. And I was gonna test this thing out. I was like, I'M gonna see if I can get my entire home renovated with 2000 followers. So I started to reach out to brands and all of them said no to me. You know, I have this idea, my son's getting older. I want to turn his baby room into a big boy room. Do you want to do a collaboration? How many followers do you have? Okay, well, I have like negative 10. Okay, thanks, but no thanks. So I kept getting these no's, which I love no's because you can learn from your nos. And so instead of just giving up, I would say, okay, well, why, like, why are you saying no to me? What is it that you're looking for? And because I asked those questions, I eventually got some brands to respond to me that, well, we want a lot of followers because we want a lot of reach and we're trying to really expand our awareness. And da da, da, da, da. Well, what else expands awareness other than followers? I started thinking to myself, well, that's media. So maybe I could get these brands media and like, segue this. So then I was like, okay, these brands aren't going to care about me unless I can give them something that they care about. Some of these brands have said that they want awareness, so why don't I, instead of just pitching brands, why don't I start pitching media the same exact thing. So then I started going to all these media outlets. I googled the crap out of media outlets, found contacts, and just started sending this idea to all these media outlets. Hey, would you be interested in a mom blogger home remodel renovation story? Some said no, some didn't respond. And then finally I got a yes from people.com because they were starting this mom blogger section. So then I was like, okay, I've got the door open. So then I go back to World Market and I say, world Market, would you be interested in collaborating with me if I could get you a people.com feature? I'm like, I don't even know if I can get them a people.com feature. I'm going to just say this and see what happens. So they said, absolutely. And this was a company that had said no to me three times. So I had gotten a this sounds curious from people.com and then I got like, yeah, if you can make this happen, we'll do it. So then I was like, okay, now I've got to make this happen. And so I went back to People magazine and I said, world Market is interested in doing something. And they said, great, let's get it going. And they said, but can we showcase more than just your son's room? So then I went back to World Market and I said, okay, people.com wants to do this, but in order to do it, you're going to have to redo my entire house, not just my son's room. And they said, cool, we're on board. And so with like 2000 followers at the time, I got my entire house remodeled with furniture and with design services. The value of it was probably about $250,000 at the time. And I did that all with less than 10,000 followers. And so that kind of long story of going back and forth. And I explain in detail. There's an entire chapter in the book about exactly how I did this, and I break it completely down in detail of how I went back and forth. But this was really the catalyst of what showed me that there's a lot of people out there that may be able to create great content, but they don't know how to market themselves. They don't know how to pitch themselves. They don't know how to negotiate for what they want. They don't know how to. To maneuver that back and forth. And I do. So that's actually the service that I can provide. And so then I started having bloggers come to me being like, julie, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it that you have, like, no followers and you just had World Market remodel your entire house? And I have 100,000 followers and I am not making any money. And so from that is when I created my course Pitch it perfect in 2016. It's still around today. That helps content creators who want to work with brands helps them do that in a way that is clear and concise and fun. And most importantly, it instills the confidence. And that's the biggest feedback that I get from my students, is that you. You gave me the confidence to not give up. You gave me the confidence to speak my truth. You gave me the confidence to just not say yes to every gifted opportunity if it wasn't in alignment with me. And so that was. That was really the story. So for those that are listening, if you feel like you don't have enough, fill in the blank. What do you have? I know that you have something in you that is unique and special to you, and how can you use that and leverage that to get what you want? The same way that I used my understanding of pitching to get what I wanted with the house remodel.

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So good. I love hearing these stories because it's really easy to sit back and be like, oh, she got it because she looks that way, or she got it because she has that background, or she got it because of whatever we make up. We make up all this shit every single day when we look on Instagram, right? But I really love hearing that because literally everything that I've ever gotten was from the crazy creative out of the box, really stretching it pitches where I had to then really show up for what I said that I would also do. So that is so much fun to hear. And that just got my wheels spinning because also a new product coming out for me, I'm like, I really have to get back to that, like, very grassroots, really thinking in terms of what they need and what they want, what they're looking for. And I really do believe, like you said, like, you can really, if you think about it, pitch whatever it is you have and make something fit, like, make some form of storyline fit in most places that you want. So I love, love, love that. Can't wait to read that whole section on that and really break it down. Okay. I want to talk about boundaries, because I think for most women, I don't want to generalize, but I will say I've talked to a lot of them and I am one. It is really challenging to instill the boundaries that we need in order to go out into the world and do all the things that we are talking about. I know for me, growing up, boundaries were not even remotely a thing. It was like, do everything for everyone to get them to love you. People, please tell you can't breathe anymore and you have no life of your own, and then maybe, maybe you'll feel good. So let's talk about boundaries and then about how to kind of create new ones and maybe share some that you have instilled so we can understand it.

Yeah. You know, I believe that you can change the price of what it costs to access you. And boundaries are the currency of that. And like you, I grew up with, there were no boundaries. You said yes to everything. You know, I have a mom that is. Yet still, this is yes to everything and everyone, because she can do it all and she can do it all, but at what expense and at what cost? Because everything costs something. And so for me, I didn't have boundaries for a really long time. I. Growing up, I always wanted people to like me. And I remember being little and throwing. I was like, in fourth grade, I think, and I had this doll that I got for Christmas, and I love this doll so much. But there was a girl in my class that made fun of me, and she said that dolls were for babies. And so I threw the doll in the trash can at school because I didn't want her to not like me. And I remember, like, I went to the bathroom and I was, like, bawling my eyes out because I was like, oh, my gosh, My beloved doll. I can't have my sweet Christmas present because this girl's not gonna like me. But that idea of me delaying my happiness and me really subjecting myself to the criticism of other people and letting that lead the way. Instead of not having boundaries, it threaded through my life forever. I mean, with. With past relationships, with my first marriage, because I've been married before, with wanting people so badly to understand me and see my side of the story and let me just over and Explain myself. And there was one instance where when I first launched my podcast, I got an email from a woman that is another podcaster. And I had really put this woman on a pedestal, and I admired her, and I thought she, you know, is amazing, and she is all those things. But I had an episode kind of start to go up in the charts. And for the first time in this new business that I was in, I was really starting to see success that was kind of like that. That next level. And so I was. I felt good and confident and great, and I was celebrating. And I get this email in my inbox, and it's from her. And so, of course, like, I go into fantasy mode, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, she wants to be friends. Like, maybe she wants me to have her. Have me on her podcast. Like, you know, I'm like, oh, what does she want? You know? And I start to get all good, and then I open the. And it was not kind. You know, she was telling me that I was riding her coattails and that, you know, seeing me on a podcast made her cringe and all of this kind of stuff. And I immediately just felt like I could feel the knot in my throat. I was, like, trying to hold my tears.

I feel it for you.

Oh, my God. It was just. At the time, it was so disheartening, but I had to. It's not about pointing the finger at her. Look, she has her feelings, and they are just as valid as mine. Like, we all come from our own lens and own perception of the world. But I had to really start to look at what was my part to play in it, that I was so fixated on this woman validating my existence, and I was so obsessed with making her see that, you know, we could be friends. We know so many of the same people. Like, like me, like me, like me. Like, this just desperation of wanting to be liked by her, that I had no boundary. Like, I had no boundary between where I left off and she began. And it wasn't necessarily her, but it was just this ide idea that she represented of how desperately that I needed people to validate my very existence. And so the beauty of that story, and I talk about it in the book, but what that gave me, it gave me. It really allowed me to understand that a woman that truly loves and trusts herself gives herself the gift of being able to love and trust other women. And when I was really able to sit back and start finding the validation within myself and the love within myself and not putting my happiness on, you know, the backs of other people was when I was able to start to create more boundaries about what felt good and aligned for me. And so today, if I got an email like that, I just wouldn't even respond because it's like, not even in my frequency of existence anymore, because I know who I am, and that is enough in and of itself. And so for me now I know that I am living within my boundaries when I no longer delay my happiness, because I spent years delaying my happiness to make other people safe or happy or whatever that was. And when I don't subject myself to the abuse of other people, and that word, I don't necessarily mean physical abuse, but I don't subject myself to manipulation, control, all that kind of emotional abuse that can happen when you don't allow yourself to say no and really stand on your own. So those are the two things that I really have to be mindful for now. Am I delaying my happiness? Am I subjecting myself to something that does not feel in line, does not feel integral? Does this go against who I am or what I stand for? And if it does, then boundaries up.

You're literally putting me right back into my memories of. It's probably around the time I don't remember or I don't know if you remember this, but we were somewhere. I believe it was at Wanderlust. I don't know who's.

Yeah.

Or something it was. But it might have been the first time I saw you in person. But it was right around that time where I was was majorly seeking validation from other people, like, hey, you're enough. Hey, we like you. So that I could go and finally feel accepted out into the world. I literally just had that moment of remembering certain, like, friend groups I was trying to get in that I was not meant to be in number one. But just that feeling of really believing that you need these other people to let you in or like, you to be validated. Do you think that we have to have those moments where something happens where it kind of, you know, with what happened with you, where you get that email? Or do you think it's something that if you realize you're in it right now, like, if you become aware of it, if someone's listening who's like, oh, I'm really, like, trying to get into these different groups, or, you know, I really need to speak on this stage to prove that I'm validated. We've all done that, right. I really need to do this thing or be at that event that all of Those popular people seem to be getting continually invited to. And I'm never even invited. How do we break from that?

Yeah, I mean, to me, that the validation is inner work. And I think that sometimes it does take those moments to happen. Like, I remember wanting to speak on your very thing. I wanted to speak on a stage, and I got invited by this big guy in the online industry to go speak on this stage. And I go. And I'm like, this is awful. Like, this is so out of alignment. This is not my audience. This is not like. It just. It felt so wrong from the beginning.

Sorry, I've had that too.

You know that it's like when you deny your. Yourself, when you start to really abandon your. What you know to be true. And that's when I want to go back to everybody that's listening, you know, what's best for you. You may not be listening, but, you know, and it's that I always go back to that, that gut, that like, little ding that always goes off. And it's like, I know, but am I. Am I going to choose to listen to it, or am I going to choose to deny and abandon myself? Because I feel like somebody externally is going to be able to give me something that I can't give to myself. And that is what for me, I had to understand, is that it begins and ends with me. If I want more love, let it be, begin with me. If I want more abundance, let it begin with me. If I want more success, if I want more validation, let it begin with me. And so what. What helped me through that process was having a lot of those moments where I subjected myself to just the manipulation and the control and kind of the abuse of other people's agendas and then really kind of getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. There's a quote by Liz Gilbert that says when someone gets tired of their own bullshit is when the real transformation happens. And I think for some of us, it does. It takes us just getting so sick and tired of being sick and tired and wanting a new path and wanting to pave a new way for us to really step into what it is that we want. And so if someone even can't believe what I'm about to say, maybe just saying it to themselves to try to maybe program themselves. But I am capable of love and giving it to myself. It is not my responsibility to fix other people. I'm not that powerful. That was like a big one for me. I am capable of acceptance just as I am and just, you know, really Stepping into what those words are powerful and what they really mean. I think it's really, really kind of helped me get over that. And. And I think that the more that you keep the focus on yourself and the more that you start to test things out, and this is kind of going back to that confidence bit, Lori. The more that I started to truly listen to me and test things out, and maybe I didn't try to do what other people were doing. I may found somebody that I really liked, and I'm like, okay, I want to copy the way she thinks. I don't want to copy what she does, but I want to copy the way she thinks and feels about herself, because that's a confident, successful woman, and I want to be that. I want to become that. But when I really started to not focus on everyone else, keep the focus on me, and really started to step in, and I gave myself permission to test things out, to succeed, to fail, to learn new things, I didn't really care what other people thought anymore. I really started just to find that inner balance and love and peace within myself because I was focused on me for once and not so focused on everybody else. I think that that was really the big thing that helped me.

Yeah, that's really, really powerful and helpful. And I can pinpoint times where I've been, like, I need to, like, get out, out of the places or get off of the things that are making me feel like I should be doing this or that, or, you know, Instagram, Facebook being one of them, where I'm like, I need to go collect my own thoughts and really figure out what that is. So I kind of want to end on that question with you because I think a lot of us, and I get caught in it too. Like, sometimes I'm like, what the hell do I even want? Like, I don't even know anymore because I'm looking at everything else, else and thinking of everything else and what makes money and what are they doing and where are the trends going and where's the energy going and all of those things. How do we get back to what the hell we actually want? Do you have any sort of processes for this?

Yeah, I mean, when. When I've been in those moments, I think that if I don't have the clarity because I'm so inundated, right? And so I. It's like. It's just like. Like there's a veil in order to lift the veil. And sometimes I have to focus on what it is that I don't want to help me get to what it is that I do want. And so that's, you know, if I don't know what I do, what I want. Well, I do know that I don't want to abandon myself anymore. I do know that I don't want to be put around people or places or situations that don't make me feel in alignment with myself, that don't make me feel expansive, that don't make me feel like my heart is in tune, that don't make me feel bright. I mean, we're all meant to shine in this world. And if I'm put in a place where I feel like I have to do this, that is a red flag to me that I need to remove myself from that situation or place or experience. So even just making a list of, like, these are all of the things that I don't want, and then what are some actions that I can start taking to step out of that and into what would maybe be the opposite of those things? So, you know, for example, if I don't want to be working 60 hours a week with 15 clients a week, I know that I don't want that. So then how could I step into something that's opposite of that? Well, maybe the opposite of that is only working 30 hours a week with five clients, but charging more. I don't have to take on so much work. Or maybe, and I'll give an example with a relationship, you know, my husband doesn't want to go and do something that I really want to do that means lot to me. So instead of just saying okay and then building up the resentment towards him, or instead of trying to persecute him to death to do what it is that I want to do, maybe I'll just go on and live my life. And yeah, I may be sad that he's not joining, but it's not going to stop me from feeling the joy and expansion of doing something that I really want to do.

So good. That's so helpful. It's funny because sometimes we keep on saying why.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. But that is the best place to start. I literally just thought of a couple things. I'm like, okay, I don't want to do that, and I know exactly how to get rid of it. And sometimes you won't even know what comes next, right? Like, sometimes you're just clearing space because maybe the idea couldn't land because you're so full of things you don't want to do that you. There's no room for the Good stuff to even come into your brain yet. So that's really powerful. Any last things that you want to share with the audience before we go?

Yeah. So I saw a quote the other day, it was by a rabbi and it says, it said, happiness is wanting what I already have have. And I love that. And I loved it in this moment because this is the first time in my life that I can truly say that I believe that. And then I also started to giggle because I'm like, man, if the Julie 5 years ago would have seen that, I would have been like this mother, you know, like, it would have been so easy for me to be like, oh, easy for all those people that have it all figured out to say that. But I think that because that was my mindset for so long because I didn't allow myself to be grateful for what it was that, that I did have that was going well for so long, all I was getting was more of the stuff that I didn't want. And so the more that you focus on what you don't have, what's overwhelming, what's frustrating, what you wish you could change, that's really the only headspace that you're going to be in. And so I would encourage people to, if you're anything like me and want to eye roll at that quote, to just stay a little bit open minded to that idea of maybe happiness could be wanting what you already have and a great, a great thing to do. Because when I read that quote, I actually just did this. I decided to. I got out a sheet of paper and I put a line down the middle to have two columns. And on the left line I started writing down what is everything that I have in my life right now that I used to want that. Like, I would pray for that I would work hard for that. I want, you know, it's like my beautiful home, my two healthy children, my amazing husband, my business, the ability to serve and impact so many people. I wrote a freaking book. You know, it's like all of, of these things that I said that I wanted in my life. And then on the right column, this is like everything else that I still want that hasn't come to full manifestation yet. But it's really focusing on that column of. And no matter where you are in your life, maybe you're 25 years old and you're just kind of getting started and you're in your quarter life crisis and you're like, what the heck am I doing with my life? But just think about what is everything that you have been able to make happen in your life so far that you never thought thought was possible. And just staying in the energy and the flow of that I think can really help with the mindset shift.

So perfect for me today. So great for you and writing this book. I'm so happy for you. I'm so proud of you and it's going to impact so many people. I can't wait to read it. Literally cannot wait. I'll probably have read it by the time this comes out, so that's exciting. And I want to do a giveaway to our listeners, please. Yes. First, where can we find it? Where can we follow you?

All the things.

Things.

Yes. So on Instagram, I'm oles J U L S Solomon S O L O M O N. You can find the book wherever books are sold. And you can go to juliesolomon.net what you want for that page of where you can find. And then on that page, if you want a signed copy, you can order it from an independent retailer, mom and Pop Bookstore, that I have partnered with to support them. And I get to actually go in and sign all the copies before they're mailed out, which is super fun.

So cool. We'll put that link in the in the show notes as well for you.

Yep. But Julie bellman.net what you want. And then the Influencer podcast, wherever you listen to podcasts is where you'll find me every week.

Amazing. Your podcast is amazing, you guys. Definitely, if you love the show, you'll absolutely love her show. Your realness, all of the things. And we're going to do a giveaway. So I'm going to purchase five books. So you guys, how this is going to to work is you are going to tag Julie on Instagram. So what is the your handle?

One more time, it's at Jules J U L S and then Solomon S O L O M O N. Okay.

So once you hear this podcast, you're going to just upload. You can upload the podcast to your stories. You're going to tag her. You're going to tag me at Lori Harder. And the first five stories that I get from this podcast, on the most likely the day it's released, I'm going to send you one of her books. So you guys make sure that you give her a tag and also on there, share your biggest takeaway. Because you guys know that I always ask you to give back to the guest. So make sure that you let them know what Julie's impact was in your life, what your biggest takeaway was. It's so much fun to see it's so much fun to see what you extracted from this conversation and who was actually listening. Like, we actually had people listening to this. That's pretty cool. Jules, thank you so much for coming on. I so appreciate you. I can't wait to watch the impact that your book makes out in the world. And I also can't wait for you to see the ripple effect and the impact that your work, that being brave and courageous and putting these stories out in this workout into the world does. So, you guys, I'm so grateful for you, as always. And until next time, earn your happy.

Bye, everyone. Sa.