94: NOW or NEVER with Alexi Panos

Foreign.

Welcome to the earn your happy podcast. I'm Lori Harder, founder of The Bliss Project, 3 Time Fitness World champion, fitness expert and cover model turned self love junkie, lifestyle entrepreneur and author.

Each week I'll bring you a guest.

Or a thought that will help you bust through your fears, connect to your soul and get focused and clear. Clear so you can elevate your life, business and relationships. We don't wait until we're ready for someone to tell us we're good enough. We take what we want and we anoint ourselves. Get ready to earn, own and unapologetically rock your happiness every single day. Are you with me? Here we go. Welcome back to the earn your happy podcast and today I'm so excited to have this soul sister on Alexi Panos. She is on a mission to make personal development mainstream Through Her Books YouTube channel which you guys have got to go and check out her workshops. She is an international speaker and she has a non profit called Epic. She's one of origin magazine's top 100 creatives changing the world and she's featured in in the films as an expert on the abundance factor and Rise up. She's also authored the books 50 Ways to Yay. And I can't wait for you guys to listen in on this conversation. So let's get started. Alexi, I'm so incredibly excited to have you on the show today. Thank you for coming on.

Of course. Thanks for having me.

You know, I have been so inspired by you, your journey and your husband's journey and your journey together. So I'm beyond thrilled that I've been able to connect with you lately and that we get to connect in the future coming up here because you are just one of those people who you walk into a room and you are electric and I feel your energy and you really are committed to raising people's vibration and just really getting them aligned with what their true purpose is. So thank you for that.

Oh, thank you. That just feels so good having that acknowledgement. Thank you so much.

And I'm wondering if you can share with everybody your journey journey, because I actually found out about your story on another podcast and I was totally blown away just with all of the experiences that you've had and how far you've come. So could you share a little bit about yourself and how you started doing what you do now?

Sure, sure. Yeah, it's, you know, it's one of those things. I feel like I've lived a million lifetimes and they've all been so perfectly synchronistic. For what I needed to do what I'm doing right now. So it all kind of started. The seed was planted, I guess we could say. When I 8 years old, my mom and my dad were not together. And my mom lived about eight hours away. And we would do these, like really long road trips, eight hours back and forth to spend time with my mom. And she would always listen to books on tape to keep her up while she was driving. And they happened to be Marianne Williamson and Tony Robbins and Wayne Dyer. And I got hooked at a young age to this thing that I at first thought was really stupid. And, you know, as an eight year old, I just wanted to listen to Madonna and dance in the car, but I secretly liked it. And I remember when I hit that preteen teenage mark when I got really super awkward and super nerdy, I remembered all of that stuff that was playing on those tapes, and it was as if it came back to me. And it came right at the exact time when I needed it to remind myself that I'm bigger than these circumstances currently and I can really design a life of my choosing. So I'm from a small town in Pennsylvan, where, you know, doing anything outside of the norm is not acceptable. It's just like, don't try it, you'll be blasted for it. And I had this idea that I could because I had these role models in these authors that my mom listened to. And sure enough, at 15 years old, I was at my mom's house one summer. And, you know, we used to be able to invite our friends over for the summer. And we're all looking through the newspaper to find a movie to go watch. And my sister's friend Angie goes, oh my gosh, guys, there's a singing contest. They're looking for a girl group who wants to audition with me. And we all kind of look at her like, just, you want to audition? Nobody wants to audition with you. It's just you. And sure enough, I was the kid who, total tomboy would never turn down a dare. And she knew that. So she totally had that against me and was like, alexi, I dare you to do it with me. So I said, okay, done. It's a dare. I'm in. Let's go. What do we do? And we had to call in on this, like, weird phone number, leave a voice message singing a song. I think I sang Britney Spears Give Me Baby One More time. And we both got called in for a callback. And it was this local producer who at the time we had no idea who he was, but his name was Rodney Jerkins, and he is, you know, he was called the boy Wonder at the time. He was 20 or 21 years old. He was producing Destiny's Child, Brandy and Monica, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston. I mean, he was on fire at this time. And we both go in, we audition. We had to, like, sing and dance in the studio with four or five people. And they pulled me aside and said, listen, we don't want you for a girl group. We want to do a solo thing with you, a development deal. And that led to me working with him for a couple years, which led to me eventually signing with Def Jam Murder, Inc. And traveling from 17 to 19 years old on tour with Ja Rule. And that in and of itself is an interesting story, but again, all perfect. And I lived this kind of crazy rock star lifestyle for two years all around the globe. I traveled to over 50 countries and had a blast and met people from all over the world and also kind of lost myself in the process. And it wasn't until our final stop on the tour in Cape Town, where everything just kind of hit ahead. And, you know, we had gone out, we had performed a show, we had gone to the after party like we always do, spent a bunch of money on champagne like we always did. And I was the, quote, unquote, responsible one of the group, even though I was a teenager. And I signed this check, the bill for the champagne, and it was like a $3,000 bill. And I remember looking at it, and it wasn't different than any other night. But for some reason that night, I had a different perspective. And I walk out and we go to get back on the bus, and there's a shanty town, like, right to the other side of the road. And I just looked at it and looked at this tour bus, and it was as if the two worlds didn't match. And it was as if, like, my entire reality just shifted. And at that moment, I felt like a fraud. I felt like a taker. I felt like I was living this life that I didn't even really want. I didn't even really choose this. I kind of happened into it on a dare then. It seemed cool, so I went with it for a while. And it just reminded me of who I was, because as a young girl, I was the one who was president of my key club, which was a charity club at school. And I was giving back and always trying to be of service. And it just slapped me in the face at that moment that I had totally Sold my soul for fame and for the promise of what fame kind of promises us. And I came back to New York, sold everything, said, you know, I don't want to be in this business. Got out of the music industry, got a bartending job to pay my rent. And sure enough, I met a friend of mine who has now become my. My business partner in Epic. And we just had this big idea to give back and make an impact with our lives. And we sat on it for a good year and a half because we had all the excuses of there's not enough time, there's not enough money. Who are we? We're just two. At the time, I was 20 years old. I didn't go to school for this stuff. You know, international charity work. How the hell am I going to pull that off? And then one day we heard a story of a woman from the UK who raised 300k for a village in Africa. And she was a schoolteacher. And the interview was her going, yeah, you know, it's not that I had a bunch of free time, and it's not that I even knew what I was doing, but I just knew I had to do something. And that statement alone changed everything for us because it wiped out our excuses. And that point on, I think a week later, we were a 501c3 organization. We had booked our trip to Africa, to Tanzania, to figure out how we were going to serve and what we were going to do. And now, 11 years later, we've got EPIC, which is our nonprofit that stands for Everyday People Initiating Change. And we're drilling clean water wells. We're doing sustainable, sustainable community development. We're working with women and young girls to get them empowered and get them out in the workforce. And it's just really incredible. And you know, that. That whole journey of epic, I was just pouring my money into it. And I was broke at the time, so I was like, okay, I need to make more money that. So that I can do more with Epic and impact more people. So then I got back into the entertainment industry and went into modeling and TV hosting and ended up killing it in that industry. It came really, really easy to me because my mom used to be a talent agent, and it was great. You know, I was making money, I had the time, freedom to go to Africa whenever I wanted. I was able to invest that money back into the nonprofit. And one day I just said, you know what? This. This is sucking my soul. And I cannot perpetuate this idea that a woman's supposed to look a particular way and be perfect and be photoshopped. And I just recognized that I was a part of the problem and I wanted to be a part of the solution. So that's how I got into the work I do.

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I love that. Thank you for sharing that. And you know, I really love that you talked about how it came easy to you, but maybe you weren't ready or you didn't have the money for this other amazing project that you were working on, so you just stayed in that for a bit until you could get more money. But what did those little somethings in the beginning look like? Because for a lot of people, they feel like if it's not something big and huge and actionable, that it's not worth it. Like they don't realize how tiny those actions are. What were some of the first steps in saying, wow, I want out. I need to start doing this?

Yeah, you know, it was. It was a small step at a time. That's what really built the empire. And I'll say it like this. You know, I didn't burn the ships until I built the bridge. And the bridge looked like, you know, piece by piece, I was slowly getting training piece by piece. I was giving free sessions away to my friends at work. Piece by piece. I was holding free workshops and I was really just testing what this felt like. You know, I was trying this career on and saying, do I really want to do this? Do I really want to take this on as my career in life? Or is this just a passion that I'm interested in? And sure enough, with enough of those trying it on, I said, wow, this feels really good. This feels really aligned with my soul. My soul is on fire when I'm doing this. It's like those flow state moments where you're like, this is unstoppable. You cannot stop me right now. And I hadn't experienced that type or that level of just alignment. Alignment's the word that keeps coming through. Because even in the modeling and entertainment and television and all of that, while it was easy, it always felt out of alignment, you know, like something always felt slightly off and just trying on, you know, coaching with my friend, I felt elated, I felt tingly. I just, I felt like source energy was coming through me and talking through me. It was just incomprehensible and it told me that I had to go forward in this direction at all costs, whatever it takes. Move, move, move. And with enough confidence of doing enough free things and making sure I was laying the groundwork and building and doing all that, I finally then pulled the switch and said, okay, I'm ready. But, you know, I kept my job that I didn't like so much until I had all that ready. And then I pulled the trigger.

I am just smiling from ear to ear because I feel like I was living the same life as you, but in the fitness industry. And it was kind of the same idea. I just stayed in it even though like two years before I had stopped. I was like, I gotta get outta here. Like, I need to go. Like I have this whole side that.

I want to be doing.

So that's, that's so interesting. So what is one of the biggest things that you feel you've done to catapult your own growth?

I think the biggest thing is this idea that I'm always a work in progress. And that's a big deal for me because, you know, I'm a recovering perfectionist. And I think I had this idea that everything had to be perfect before I could launch. And I think the biggest thing that keeps me going and keeps me at it and keeps me creating is the recognition that I'm always a work in progress. I'm always fine tuning, but I get to honor what needs to come through. And I think that has been the thing that keeps pushing me because, you know, if I would wait on perfection or my ego to feel safe so I look good, I wouldn't do anything.

It.

I just wouldn't do anything.

I hear you. But. But how? So as far as, you know, taking risks, so becoming, you know, to somebody who maybe is a perfectionist right now, and they're like, I get that, I want to release that, but how was it that you now have a safe place to land, or you have a tribe, or you've built up certain things that you do around that, how do you work around that?

Yeah, so the, the best thing for working through perfectionism is taking action. Like taking action despite the perfection. Because the thing is, it'll never be perfect. And I took action. I was making videos when I was getting five views and I put out those videos every single week, and I was consistently getting 5 to 10 views. And I was like, okay, I'm not seeing much return on this, but I know this is what I'm supposed to do. This feels good, and I know I gotta just keep at it. So for me, it's the action, and it's the consistent action on a daily basis where you force yourself out of the discomfort, you force yourself out of that, like, cushy comfort zone, and you say, you know what? I'm just going to keep moving this way because my soul is calling me here, and I know this is what I'm here to do. And really, the action generates momentum, and more momentum generates more momentum. And when we have that type of energy circling us, it starts attracting, like, energy. So then we start getting the tribe, Then we start feeling like we've got a safe place to land, but the action comes first.

I love that. So what is the meaning or definition of relationships for you?

Gosh, you know, it's shifted so much over the years. I would say what it means for me right now is everything, Because I think we, as human beings, we are how we relate to the world. You know, how I relate to other people, how I relate to my partner, how I relate to my business, how I relate to pain, how I relate to pleasure, to joy, to bliss. Everything is my relationship to the world. So it's the key. And if I can really show up powerfully in how I relate to. To first myself so that. That I can relate to the world in a powerful way, then I can shift everything.

So how do you make sure that you have a good relationship with yourself?

That's evolved, too, man. I used to have probably the worst relationship.

That's why we do this. Right?

Right. We've learned the hard way, girl. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. For any of you out there listening, if you're like, oh, I feel like I don't even know who I am, I've been there. So he has a light on the other side of the tunnel. Yeah. My relationship with myself has really been cultivated by doing the work, you know, And I say the work. And that is kind of the umbrella term for deep diving in, listening to what's coming through through meditation, through being in silence and stillness, doing hardcore, confronting work, you know, like a stalt and psychology. And I'm obsessed with this realm. So I go deep into all the different traditions and really apply to myself first. I'm my own best experiment and my own first student. So I'm always taking all this stuff and applying it to myself. I'm pulling back the covers, pulling back the layers, questioning all my beliefs, questioning all my assumptions, questioning my attachments and my expectations and, you know, my structures and my paradigm that I'm living under. And once I kind of deconstruct all of that, I got to the point that I recognized that we're kind of this blank slate. You know, once we peel back all the beliefs and the programming, we're kind of this blank slate. And then I could start relating to myself from a place of excitement because I felt like, oh, I can create anything. I can really create anything. Who do I want to become in this process of evolving and growing as an adult? And that became really exciting because the. The potential to grow into anything I wanted to be said, okay, I can choose to be a really happy individual. I can choose to be really grateful and really connected to life. I can choose to take care of the people that I really love and also take care of the community called our world. I can choose anything I want. And it really became like the artist with a paintbrush on the canvas. What do I want to paint today? And my relationship with myself, I feel like has changed over the last day, week, month, year, because I'm constantly recreating what it means to be myself. And I'm challenging myself because my old stuff still comes up. You know, if you're human, your old stuff is still going to come up. But when it does come up, I challenge it, I question it, I face off with it and. And then I keep recreating. And then of course there's all like the self love stuff and taking baths and lighting candles and dancing to Michael Jackson and the living room by yourself.

You know, all those, the very vital. They are very vital things.

They are.

So as far as what that looks like, can you let us in on, you know, the peeling back of the layers and doing that work on a day to day basis? Because I want to know what that really looks like for you. Tangibly, for everybody.

Yeah, so tangibly. You know, an example, if I'm in work or if I'm in, you know, a conversation with my husband, if I get triggered by something or if I'm noticing my energy going low or I'm getting overwhelmed or stressed out, I pause because my old tendency was to just spiral into my shit.

Yes.

Now I pause and I take a breath and I go, okay, what do I want to create in this moment? And I ask myself first, okay, what's here? Overwhelm is here. Stress is Here, frustration's here, disappointment's here, attachments here. So I call out what's here, and then I say, what is triggering that? And then I'll look for the trigger. It may be something outside of me. And if it's an external trigger, I'll say, okay, Preston, my husband and said this thing that, you know, I'm just going to make something up. He said, hey, babe, can you do the dishes? And for some reason that triggered me into frustration. And then I go, okay, why did that trigger me? Well, I'm really tired and I just wanted his support with the dishes. Did I ask for his support? No, I didn't ask for his support. Okay, so what can I do in this moment to create an outcome that feels really good for me, will raise my vibration and create deeper relationship with Preston? Well, I can share with him what just happened and that's literally what I'll do. I'll say, you know what's funny, babe? You just asked me to do the dishes and I totally spiraled out for a second and got really frustrated. And I recognize it's because I'm tired. I haven't been taking care of myself today and I wanted to blame you for not supporting and helping and not fixing that. But that's not your problem, that's mine. And I would love some support with the dishes if you could help. If not, I'll get to it at this time.

That is so powerful.

Yeah, it's really like breaking it down.

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So in those moments, that's the most challenging part though, is to. Is to find that grace and space to actually be like, how am I really feeling? Because we want to react like it is fiery. So fire.

Yeah. Married 11 years.

It's fiery. So how do you. Is there. Was there work around that where you found the podcast? Because I really do believe if we could all just pause and find the pause, we would be able to ask these questions because these are such powerful questions that you just gave. You guys, go back and write those down. But as far as finding that pause, what did you do? Do you.

Do you breathe?

Do you take a second?

Yeah, you know, it took a lot of work for that to become more of my natural inclination because like I said, I used to totally just spiral out. And that's. Spiral could last for hours. I would milk the spiral. Yes, totally milk the spiral. And I actually took a course last year called the Art of Leadership Mastery. It was a six month course with a mentor of Mine named Scott Cody. And it's steeped in the Aikido tradition, martial arts, really just this beautiful grounded technique of leadership and embodiment. And what he had us do is practice the art of centering and centering ourselves, getting to the point of where we're at, that stillness point where our breath and our body are aligned, where our attention in our mind is focused on the center point of our bodies just below our navel, and we're breathing into the chaos that's around us. And it was literally six months. He made us. It was a really rigorous training. He made us center. We used to have to set alarms in our phone and center at least 100 times a day. So my phone would go off and it would be like, center. And I had that little emoji where, like, the eyes were just flat and the mouth was flat. It was like reminding me to get to that place of neutrality. And I just did it every single day, about 100 times a day for six months straight. And it became a habit. And now I'm able to access that when chaos is around me. And the whole course, he put us through, like, crazy chaotic things and experiments and had our bodies be in fight, flight, or freeze mode, and then had us practice centering and grounding in those moments so that when we're in our real life and shit is hitting the fan, we can actually center and ground ourselves. So it was literally a practice of breathing for six months straight. Really just like in the moments of stress, in the moments of overwhelm, when my email inbox is flooding, when my team can't access me because something's going wrong with the website. When chaos ensues, the first thing I get to do is center, ground, and choose. And that is my process now. Am I perfect at that? Hell no. I definitely have times where I spiral out and my old tendencies come up. But the beautiful thing is that I catch myself a lot sooner. So now my spiral will last about max 20 minutes.

Center, ground, and choose. I love that. And honestly, it's. If we feel that reaction coming from fire, you know, it's going to be an outcome that you really don't love.

Not the best. No.

That's been huge for me. For meditation is. I used to be like. Like, why am I meditating? What is this doing? If it's not like this powerful meditation in the moment, then it wasn't worth it. That's literally how I used to think. And now I'm so aware that it's just training. It's just training to give myself more reaction time, just more grace and more space and more calmness and focus. So I love that. I think that's hard for us Alpha people, right? We're like, what is this giving me right now?

Oh, my gosh. Yes, girl. My. My whole journey with meditation was that I used to look at meditation and be like, really? What results is this going to produce for me? Because this doesn't feel very productive.

So what happened for you that it became like a huge part of your life or became something that you felt was full of value?

Yeah. You know what it was is, I think it was this deeper understanding that I had during a really super powerful meditation where I got that I am source energy manifested in this body that people call Alexi. And when I don't tap into that and when I'm disconnected from that knowingness and that source energy, it's my ego running the show. And my ego can run the show and I can be super successful, super productive. Everyone can think I'm making a difference, but it will feel off for me. And I know for the type of life I want to live and the type of impact I want to live and leave and create a legacy with, it's going to take me being aligned with my source. And the more aligned I am with my source, the more my choices feel aligned, the more my results feel aligned, the more my days and my minutes and my moments feel aligned. And I just feel like a better human being.

Yes. So what does that alignment feel like for you? And what are the things you do to get into it?

Yeah, alignment for me feels. It just feels good. Like, it feels. There's no question, there's no doubt, there's no fear, there's no smallness, there's no waiting. It just feels like creating for the sake of creating, because this creation is coming through and it has to come out. And that. It just. It feels like a channel. I literally, you know, the visual I have is just this beam of light and energy coming through the crown of my head and just coming out through my heart and spreading all over the world. That's what it feels like for me. And when I'm in that space, I feel untouchable. I feel unstoppable. I feel. I feel like I'm love. And it sounds really corny and cheesy, but that's what I feel like, you know, And. But the way I get into that space, for me, my number one is nature. Like, getting into nature, sitting under a tree, staring at a tree, staring at the clouds, listening to the ocean, going for a bike ride. It doesn't have to be this profound nature walk. It could be literally going to the end of my block on Rose Avenue and just watching the waves hit the shore because it makes me feel small, and it reminds me that this human thing is something I chose. My spirit, my soul, my energy, chose this human game. And it's a game, and how do I want to play it? And it just reminds me of that because nature is so vast and so big and so encompassing, and we are that nature as human beings. And nature is constantly telling me and reminding me, be useful, be useful, be useful. All of nature is useful. None of it is wasteful, and it's not a consuming thing. Nature is a useful thing. And for us as beings, especially as women, you know, we are so creative. Like, we are the creative force of the universe, that we bring life through our womb, and, like, that's pretty badass. And we get to really honor our creative force. And I think a lot of us get disconnected from it because we're just. Our ego's running the show. We're trying to look good, we're trying to feel safe. We're trying to control things. We're trying to have an outcome that feels secure. And when we just let go. Surrender. It sounded so weak to me before, but surrender is the most powerful thing in the world to me because I get it now. I get what they meant. When all the mystics were talking about surrender, I was like, what, Surrender? No, control's amazing. But. But surrender in the realm of letting go of the reins and letting source through is like, man, there's nothing more powerful than that.

Oh, man. Literally, all of that. Amen. I just got back from Costa Rica, and that was the theme of my trip was just surrender and receiving. And it was like. I mean, that's a whole other podcast, so.

Yes.

But I wanted to ask you, what is so with you and Preston? Because your relationship, you guys are, like, complete. I believe that you are really role models for relationships. And it's fun to watch you guys. It's just fun to watch you play. It's fun to watch you have fun. What are some things in your relationship that he really mirrors for you?

Well, you. You hit on the big one. Fun is huge for us. You know, he's. He's a silly guy. I'm a silly girl. We like to be silly together. We like to be crazy. We like people to think we're weird because we don't really care what they think. And. And we roll with that. And it feels so good to be with someone who values joy and who values kind of like the simple pleasures of life. And. And he really mirrors that for me because I've always been kind of of like a weird, quirky person, and I always thought that it was too weird for people and like, they really didn't get my sense of humor or maybe I wasn't cool enough. You know, I had all these stories, so I would just kind of lone wolf and separate myself from everyone else. And what's beautiful about him is he really brings that part out of me and he elicits that. And it's. We feel like kids. We feel like giant 5 year olds playing with each other. It's so good. It's so good.

It's the. It's. Seriously, marriage is the best, but it definitely has its moments of just where we choose. Right. Just how we were talking about choices before. And is it, Is it always great?

It's always great, depending on how you define great. So I define great as an opportunity for expansion, beauty, joy, bliss. I describe great as, you know, it's all encompassing.

So what's your best opportunity for expansion within your marriage?

Yeah, so we've had so many, Lori. So many. The beauty and the greatness of being in a conscious partnership is you're constantly facing off with your darkness. You're constantly facing off with your own shit, with the things that you want to avoid and sweep under the rug and hope that nobody ever sees, because there's nowhere to run. When you're with a partner who's holding you accountable, there's nowhere to run. There's no one to blame either, because they're not going to let you blame you, you know, blame them for your stuff. And Preston and I both came into this relationship with our own baggage, with our own stories, with our own beliefs, with our own issues. And when you're with a partner, or with anyone for that matter, that you spend a lot of time with, things are going to come up because your stories, your blueprints are going to start bumping up against each other because they're not the same. You know, none of us are the same. So, you know, our bumping up against each other has looked like, you know, super disagreements over stupid things because we're two type A personalities and really stubborn. You know, where we'll fight about, you know, how the towel is supposed to be placed on the oven, you know, just like dumb stuff. Totally get it right. It's like so dumb. We'll fight about, you know, Deeper things, like, you know, things that have come up around the opposite sex and trust issues. And, you know, we fight about work things because we work together. And you know, sometimes our egos get involved and our ego feels slighted or like one person's getting more of the thing than the other person. And then again, it's great because those are opportunities that are there presented to us for expansion to say, hey, why are you in this again? Is it about you or is it about your message? Just checking. And in the relationship stuff, like the trust things and all those things that come up, it's coming up to the surface so that it can clear, so that we can be a clearer vessel for our work and our mission to come through. And it's been so great because, you know, Preston and I have only been together three years now, and I feel like we've grown so much, so much. And it's reflected in our work. You know, we work together, we also work separately. But our work has grown so much because as human beings, we've grown so much because we hold each other to such a high standard, because we hold ourselves to that standard. And there's just no escaping. There's no escaping. You know, you can't. You can't run from your shit in a conscious relationship. You just can't.

It's so true. You know, Chris and I have been together for a long time. I mean, I met him when I was 21. You can only imagine how crazy. I mean, there was one point where I was throwing chicken nuggets at his head. Like, notice I said chicken nuggets too? Like, I haven't had those for years. So.

Yes, like who I used to be.

So what are some of the choices or the agreements that you guys do? You guys have agreements to grow together or things that really keep you solid?

Yeah, you know, that's actually a big part of our new book, now or Never. We have a whole section in there about conscious agreements because again, a lot of couples are coming into relationships with their own blueprints, thinking that their blueprint is the right one, and then we fight to be right. And Preston and I have realized that those unconscious agreements are blueprints. When we're in a disagreement, it's an opportunity for us to co create an agreement that feels really good for the two of us. And we've created, you know, agreements around laundry, around dishes, household stuff, around the opposite sex, around work, around play, around date nights. I mean, we've got agreements around everything. And you better believe if a disagreement comes Up. We now look at that and go, ooh, this is an opportunity to discover another unconscious agreement. And then we get to write a new one. And we're literally building this blueprint as a couple. And it feels really good because we're both entering into it consciously and we're both choosing consciously from that space. So, I mean, we've got everything from how often we learn together, how often we play together, how often we need space away from each other, you know, like everything, because he's his own person and I'm my own person. And I think a lot of people come into relationship expecting to, like, meld into one another. And it's not that, you know, it's like two complete holes coming together, overlapping and creating that really juicy, magical overlap where you get to be interdependent and share your life with somebody and co create together.

What you just said is truly what Chris and I feel has kept us together and why we're so excited, why we get more excited every single day to be together. I love, I love, love, love that. Can you tell me more about your book?

Yeah. Yeah. So it's called now or never. Five epics, Five steps to your epic life. And you know, it was really a labor of love and it was a tap on the shoulder from the divine to say, hey, you guys get to share your foundational principles. Because, you know, everything that Preston and I do, whether it's our membership sites or our coaching or our workshops or whatever, it's all steeped in these five principles. There is nothing that we don't do, including how we live our day to day life, that is not steeped in these five principles. And these five principles have literally changed everything for us. And we've gone into depth on each of these and given the reader tools to really apply this in your life. Because, you know, we were kind of sick of most self help books kind of giving you this great theory. You're like, yeah, theoretically it's awesome. You know, it's a great idea, but how the heck do I apply this to my life? And we really saw that there was a gap and a lot of the people that we were serving in our workshop or saying, you know, I read this book, I get it conceptually, but I haven't been able to shift it yet. So the book is really designed for you to understand it conceptually, but also to ground it in your body by actioning it out. And we give you the steps to do that.

I love that. Well, I have more questions for you, but I just want to make sure everyone knows where to get that.

Yeah, yeah. If you want to check out the book, it's noworneverthebook.com Amazing.

Okay, so expectations in relationships. I really believe that. And this is like, yes. Okay. So we bring all these expectations into relationships, and a lot of times that's clearly when expectations aren't met. That's when we're let down. That's when we feel like this isn't going to work. How do we bring ourselves into relationships, whether it's friends or whether it's a romantic relationship, whatever that is, to just show up and see what's there for us?

Yeah, you know, it's really simple, but it's really complicated. Right. It's like, it's so simple because it's the choice of going. The only thing I could ever expect in life. And this is all around whether it's work, relationships, whatever. The only thing you could ever expect in life is change. It's the only thing. So the crazy part is most human beings operate from this, this ego conversation of, I need to control things, I need to control the outcome. I need to know that there's certainty, I need to know that I'm secure. It's the reptilian part of our brain that needs to know what's going to survive. And in order to survive, it needs to control. And in order to control, we expect certain things to happen in order for us to feel safe. So what I do in relationships is I expect everything. Everything. And that doesn't just mean the good, it means everything, you know, anything. And I welcome it and go, oh, that's interesting. Totally not what I thought was going to be there, but it's here, so I'm not going to resist it. And when we align with something, instead of resisting it and pushing it away, we actually have this level of compassion, acceptance and understanding that gives us insight on the gift that's there. Because expectations are like, hey, Lori, let's meet up for lunch. We go to lunch, we meet up. You say something that I didn't expect you were gonna say. And you know, normally one would be pissed off now if I just went, huh, interesting. Totally unexpected. But it's here. What is this bringing up for me right now? There's a gift in it. There is such a gift, because then that's one of those little doorways into your soul, into your old programmin, into your old fears and wounds and your 4 to 9 year old hurt little girl or boy. And it's giving you insight into why that was a Trigger for you. And then you have a new area that you can really confront and heal. And for me, that's been a game changer because one, accepting that the only thing that is constant in life that we can expect is change. It's almost like a thousand pounds of weight have been lifted off my shoulders. It was like, oh, right, right. Life is constantly ebbing and flowing. We see it in nature. We see it everywhere. Why would I expect humans to be any different? You know, and we just. We put ourselves into so much suffering when we have these expectations and we have these attachments to people. And really, the only way out of that is. Is a understand that all you can expect is anything. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, you know, light, dark, all of it. And then the second part of that is you. You lean back and you go, okay, what was I expecting Lori to do at lunch? Well, I was expecting her to say how happy she was for me that such and such happened. Okay, how can I give that to myself? And that's the secondary question I'm always asking myself. Whenever I'm feeling that disappointment from an expect that didn't get met, I go, ooh, how can I give this to myself? Because really, that's what we're all yearning for. We're all yearning for the love that we're hoping our partner will give us. We need to give it to ourself. The attention that we're hoping our friends will give us by calling us all the time we need to give to ourselves. So anything you feel is lacking, it's something that's lacking that you're not willing to give to you. And you get to start there.

Oh, man, that's so good. So I just want to add to that question. How can I give it to myself without eating chocolate?

That's a great question. I don't know that I've fully figured that out.

I'm still figuring that out as well. Maybe turmeric tea. I don't really know. That was amazing. Okay, so as far as expectations as, well, I just want to. I just want to play with that because I feel like when we really start doing this deep dive into relationships and a personal development, we can start thinking that we, you know, we start. Start feeling what that feels like to be us, right? To be. To get these amazing downloads, to really be tapped into our soul source power. And all of a sudden we start to think that it needs to be light all the time. And we tend to resist the darkness. But I'm in this whole journey right now of just Embracing everything that's coming my way. And I know you're all about this too, so what are things that you do too? And I know you've touched a little bit, but to really embrace and see how that darkness also has a gift.

Yeah. You know, I think first I want to touch on the light and dark thing, because this is what humans do. Right? We're so sneaky. We take something that's all encompassing. Life. Right. Because life is light, it's dark, it's good, it's bad, it's beautiful, it's life, it's death, it's storms, it's sunshine, it's all of it. And we take this all encompassing thing and we break it down into chunks that we can understand and control. Again, this is our ego going, hey, there's a light and a dark. What if we looked at it as just what is like, it's all of you. So anyone who's like, oh, you know, I'm a light worker. Yeah, cool. You're also a dark worker too, because you got it both right. It's the yin and the yang. We have all of it. Oh, I'm tapping into my feminine. Well, you know, you've got both. It's probably your masculine dancing with your feminine. And the more we separate it, the more we keep saying it's light, it's dark, it's good, it's bad, it's masculine, it's feminine. The more we're actually in resistance to our wholeness. And we walk around wondering why we don't feel whole, why we don't feel worthy. It's because we're disowning parts of ourselves all the time. So, you know, for the sake of ease of conversation, embracing your darkness, your shadow, the part of you that is so much a part of you and just as much a part of you as your life is important because it's embracing your wholeness. And for me, I dive deep into my wholeness in all sorts of ways. Like sometimes I'll be in meditation and some scary, dark, crazy, chaotic stuff will come up. And the old me would just open my eyes and get out and go make a sandwich. Like, oh, okay, let's just avoid that and pretend like that never happened. And the new me sits in and goes, ooh, what's here for me? Why am I uncomfortable? What's this discomfort about? And I just play with it because again, I'm this source energy that came into human form to play a game called life. So let's see what this human thing's all about, let's explore all facets of it. And when the shadow comes out in my relationship and I'm frustrated and I'm yelling and, and that fire is there, there's beauty in that too, because underneath our anger is our passion, underneath our frustration is something to create that works better. And we forget that a lot of people are walking around, especially in the spiritual world, and they're totally tapped into Zen and they're blissed out and everything's all good, and they're like spiritually bypassing all of life and they're just going for nirvana. They're going for enlightenment. They're going for, you know, life is just positive and happiness and bliss. And it's like, yeah, no, it's not. It's not. You know, and we can keep pretending, but we won't be able to access the, the fire energies. The energies that come from the despair, that come from injustice, that come from anger, that come from resentment. There is so much there for us to create with. And you see it in people. They lack passion because they're not tapped into any of their anger. None of it. You know, And I think a lot of us, especially women, we are fed this idea that we have to be put together all the time. We have to have it all together. We have to be doing everything for everyone else, and we can't complain. And we, you know, because then we'll be bitches. And like, we have all this programming and we are just stuffing down our emotions and therefore stuffing down our vital force energy. We get to dive deep into that and play with it, create with it, use it, find the gift in it and, and let it come out. It's a part of being human. It's a part of being human.

Oh, you are just. I mean, it's. You're speaking to my soul right now. Because, as you know, I. I'm saying it again. Just got back from Costa Rica, but that was a really big week for me of that. Just going to those places that are dark and sitting with it, and it's not always fun, but I was having some anxiety and, and the women that I was with just really held a great space of, let's go there. So what is it saying? You know, what is it saying and what do I need to heal it? So, you know, it was saying things that I couldn't necessarily get the healing from the people that I desired. So, like you were chatting about before, it's. I had to figure out how I could heal that myself. It was just really, really powerful. To actually put a voice to what's coming up. And I think that it's easy for us to bypass it. It's easy for me to be like, oh, well, this is happening, and this is great. And, well, I'm gonna let that go, and I'm just gonna pray and we're gonna go here, because that's easy for me. But guess what keeps coming up? The anxiety, of course.

And that's the thing, you know, most people say, oh, y. For that, or, yeah, I've totally. I've dealt with, you know, my parent issues. But then we keep bleeding out all over our lives. Like, our. That energy keeps finding its way insidiously into your relationships, into your work, into your happiness. And we wonder why we don't get the results we want. Because we haven't healed our past yet, like, truly healed through it. So I love that you had that space because, you know, I. I wish that for everyone. I truly do. I wish that everyone feels safe enough somewhere in their life to have someone to go to. To have that space to just allow themselves to fall apart.

Any ideas on how people can create that for themselves?

Yeah, you know, there's. There's a few things you can do. I mean, there's the obvious stuff. Like, if you feel like you have zero support in your life, get a coach, get a therapist, get somebody who does anger work. And I'm not talking about anger management, but anger work, shadow work, because there's some really great cathartic things you can do, like have a temper tantrum and hit a pillow or scream in your car and just get it out, you know, And. And that's what I did for a really long time because I. I didn't feel like I had a safe space. So I boxed. I boxed for a very long time. And boxing was my way to be with my anger and my aggression towards the person who raped me. And, you know, I stuffed that down for six years. Like, I pretended like it wasn't there. I was like, oh, I'm gonna get over this. I'm a high achiever. I'll just achieve more and feel better, hopefully. And, you know, I needed an outlet for that energy, and boxing, for me, was the way to do it. So it could be in the form of running. It could be in the form of literally breaking down and screaming at the top of your lungs. It could be in the form of a coach or a therapist. If you want to do it in a more private way. You can set up a room in your house or even in your Closet and make a ceremony out of it. Make a ritual out of it. Bring some beautiful things that you love, maybe a candle or some incense or a crystal or a beautiful blanket, something that's really cozy, or a picture of someone that you love, or a picture of maybe yourself when you were a child. And go into that space, sit in that darkness and bring up the thing that you feel you need to heal. Think about it. Go deep into the moment. Think about all the things that you felt wronged for, that you felt were injustices, that you felt completely indignified by, and bring those up. Be in the experience. Put yourself back in that moment and let whatever comes through come through. And the important thing is with this type of work work, you get to understand that you're not your emotions, you're not sad. Like, and we say that I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed. No, you're experiencing overwhelm, you're experiencing tired. You know, if I cut you open as a person, I'm not going to find tired in there, you know, and I'm not going to find sadness or depression or any of that. So we get to disassociate our beingness with the emotions that are coming through and get that the emotions are just like fish in the ocean. But we're the ocean, we're vast, and the fish are just swimming in and out, and sometimes they just need to pass through, and we get to let them do that.

It's so beautiful. So when are you happiest in your life?

That's a great question. There's quite a few moments where I experience myself in pure presence and joy, one of which is when I'm teaching or serving. I feel like I just, like, get out of my own way. The ego, Alexi, just moves to the side and it's like, go ahead, spirit. You got this one. And it just feels really good. Like, my body feels good, my heart feels good. Just everything feels so joyous about that. And then when I'm with Preston and just, like, tickling and dancing and joking and being silly and weird, that just feels so good, too. Oh, another thing that I have to put in here when I'm looking at dog videos online.

Oh, my gosh. Me too.

Oh, my gosh. Like, I see pictures of your dog and I'm like, oh, my God, I want a dog so bad.

I really want to give her her own Instagram, but I just don't have that kind of time right now. But.

Yeah, you might have to hire that out. Seriously, like, Animals make time. Me so happy.

Oh, my God. Animals loving other animals too. Like, when the animals pet other animals. Okay, I know everyone is feeling this. Like, they all feel the same way. So it's like.

And here's the thing, too. I have some coaching clients that were like, I just can't kick my bad mood. And I literally send them a link to, like, a monkey petting a dog, you know, and it's like, oh, my God, thank you. I feel so much better. I'm like, you're welcome. That's all we need. That's all we need. We just need to access that joy and like, the basic, basic things like human connection, animal connection, love. Like, when we see that kind of love and joy, there's. There's nothing that can stop you. I literally cried tears of joy when I watch videos of puppies.

Okay, new idea for self development retreat. Just animal videos on loop.

Oh, my gosh. That's a great, like, that's a great healing modality. You know how they say you can heal yourself from watching comedies?

Yeah. Yes.

You can totally heal yourself by watching animal videos.

Yes.

We could act it out.

We could.

It'd be great.

It'd be great.

Okay. So as such a driven female, how do you separate? Do you compartmentalize? How do you step into the role of being wife, being friend, being daughter?

Ah. You know, it's all kind of blended. I think I threw it all into my Vitamix and turned it on to three and just blended it. Because I love my work. I really do. I love my work. I'm obsessed with it. It's my life's work. And the crazy thing is, it's not just work. It's who I am. So I can't turn that off. Anyone who's known me for the past 25 years knows that this is my life. I love personal development. I love human potential. I cannot get enough of it. So that doesn't ever turn off. Now, when I do recognize that I need to be more present in my relationship, like, if I've got a long workday ahead of me, I'll make sure at 6 or 7 o', clock, I'm shutting down all electronics. I'm like, babe, let's go grab dinner, let's go to a movie. Let's do something fun. And we make sure that we do that with no interruptions from work life. Even though we still talk about and it brings us joy, we still talk about what we do, you know, we still talk about ways in which we can serve and other Creations and ideas we have that we want to bring to life. Because, again, it's. It's just a part of who we are. So it's this balance between being really present to serving, but also being really present to being. And being with whoever's here. So it's this interesting paradox, like, with my friends, that I'm experiencing where, you know, I'm terrible at texting people back. I'm even worse at calling people back. I'm fairly okay at email. I'm okay at email. But what's interesting is, like, I beat myself up about that for a really long time because a lot of my friends are avid communicators. Like, they like to text a lot, they like to talk a lot. And that's just not. It's not in my DNA. And I look at my entire family. My whole family is like that. You know, I talk to my dad maybe once a month, and we will jump on the phone for two hours and go super deep and be super present with each other, and it's amazing. And that's kind of like all we need to recharge that battery. My mom, on the other hand, is a week, you know, once a week. And I recognize my communication style with my friends is I like to have time to really be present with them. Like, to soak them up, to not have a thousand things that I'm working on while I'm talking to you on the phone and pretending like I'm listening. There's nothing I hate more than people that are with you that aren't present with you because it's like, you're wasting my time, you know, you might as well not even be there. So with my friends, it's been this interesting dance of coming up with conscious agreements within our friendships where it's like, here's my flow. And, like, I cannot wait to FaceTime with you on a Saturday when I've got my whole day free. And I cannot wait to just have nothing but you to soak up for, like, three hours. And I might do that once every couple months, you know, I'm so excited.

To have you in my life and not text you. But, yes, me too. I am so that person. I was like, I so feel you. Like, let's just. I just either want to go there, go deep, and go for, like, hours and really get to know each other or hang out, or I'm like. Like, I just. I can't.

That's me. I can't do, like, the surface everyday thing. Even with Preston, like, I don't like to talk on the phone if it's not, like, really deep. Like, it's just. Just, you know, let's keep it light and let's keep it simple, and let's be honest, right? If you're just gonna be walking around the house working on your computer while you're talking to me, don't talk to me.

I'm so the same person. But it's so good to, like, be able to say that out loud and have people know that and make agreements. Cause I do have some friends who are like. Like, I need this time with you. Or I really like texts and phone calls, and it's, can we agree on something to keep this relationship up? And that's really, really been awesome. So, Alexi, I could talk to you all day long, and I know that we are. We're just about on the hour, so I just want to acknowledge you for all of the work that you do in the world. I mean, I. I'm sure so many people on here have felt it, and I know that I have felt it, and it's truly been one of the most inspiring things to just watch you guys and share your love and share in your relationship and just get poured into by you. So where can everybody find you? Follow you? Get your books?

Yeah, if you want to stalk me, do it@alexipanos.com you can find everything there. Books, soul school membership programs, free content. Guys, I make free content every single week. Really awesome videos. So no excuses. If you're like, yo, I don't have the money right now. Go watch some free videos on YouTube or on Facebook. They're amazing. And go watch my hubby too, because his are amazing as well.

Oh, my gosh, he's amazing. Like, his. His podcast, which you guys can go back and find. Preston Smiles podcast was so awesome.

Oh, nice. Yeah, he's a character. It's so great.

Okay, so I always end on a final question. Good.

So yay.

So you are in an elevator with someone and you only have about 30 seconds, and they look over at you and they say, how can I make myself happy? What do you say?

Choose it, Be it. And think about all the ways in which you're already there. And that's it.

So beautiful. Thank you so much for coming on. And you guys, if you. If you loved this episode as much as I did, make sure you share it with your friends. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone. Thank you guys so much for spending this time with me on the earn your happy podcast. I am so glad that you stopped by. If you could take one second to share this episode with someone you think would love it, that would be absolutely amazing and we would be forever grateful. Also, please leave us a review if you feel so moved by going to itunes and leaving us an honest thought and honest comment. Tell us what you think, tell us what you want to hear more of. It would really help us out on our journey to helping thousands and thousands of people. Until then, don't forget to earn your happy. Thanks again guys. Bye bye.