Build Unshakeable Confidence, Reframe Failure and Double Your Success with Jamie Kern Lima, Author of Worthy

Often most of us have gone through times we're ashamed of, times we're embarrassed, times we make mistakes, times that if we don't share these things together, we get tempted to think that we're alone in them, need to hide them, and are somehow not qualified to go after our dreams.

Jamie, it is like my biggest honor to have you back on the show again. Thank you so much for coming on, Lori.

I am excited this episode's gonna be fire all things Worthy. I'm very grateful to be here and, and, and thank you for having me.

So, you know, your last book was one of my favorites, truly. I've gifted it to many of my friends. And this next book is absolutely incredible. I know that we had chatted just briefly before and you were saying you feel like this is so much of your life's work, like, has all come down to this book.

Why is that?

Yeah, I mean, believe it. My first book was really like my story of going from Denny's waitress to building a billion dollar business and all of that. And it was really kind of my journey of learning to believe in myself. Worthy. My new book, Worthy is the playbook on how you can believe in you. So it's very tactical. It's like it's, you know, over 20 tools packed in here on how to build unshakable self worth. And you know, for what I know for sure is whether it comes to your business, your success, your relationships, your net worth, like you name it, our self worth is our ceiling. And I talk a lot about this in the book, and this is really the heart and soul of everything, is that in life we don't become what we want. We become what we believe we're worthy of. And, and for everyone listening with us right now, when you think of every area of your life, your friendships, your relationships, your joy, your ambitions, your goals, your hopes, your dreams, we don't soar to the level of our hopes and dreams. We stay stuck at the level of our self worth. And we don't rise to what we believe is possible. We fall into to what we believe are worthy of. And when you, you know, fund. First of all, for everyone listening right now, 80% of women don't believe they're enough. Right now, 73% of men feel inadequate and not enough. 75% of women deal with imposter syndrome, 91% of girls and women don't love their body. And when you fundamentally believe you're not enough, it is a lie. It is literally a lie. And you know, I wrote worthy to really, it's packed with how to unlearn all the lies that lead to self doubt and ignite the truths that wake up worthiness. Because just talking about women for a minute, Laurie, like, the moment a woman learns to believe she is worthy like that is the moment when future and past generations of her family change for the better. Where all of a sudden her relationship with herself and her joy, the unhealthy relationships that will come to an end, the ideas that will be birthed, the books that will be written, the businesses that will be launched, the ceilings that will be busted through, all because, you know, she learned to believe she's worthy of them. So for me, it is my life's greatest work. So much of my life, I thought if I achieved enough, then I'd finally feel enough, only to achieve a whole lot of stuff and still not feel enough and not know why. And most of my life I've confused self confidence with self worth. And both are very important and very valuable, but both are very different. And I am so passionate about this idea, donating 100% of the proceeds of Worthy of the Book. And I just really, I wrote this for every person who has some self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill. Very, very excited about it.

And you know, I, I feel that in you. You're actually one of those people who I watch go into these different groups in these different rooms, and especially even when you think no one is watching and you breathe belief into people. And I think that that is so incredibly powerful to not only get that from other people, but I know that somebody can. You can't breathe belief into another person until they've done that for themselves. And so I was going through the book and it's, it's like, it's so incredible of how anywhere in anyone's journey right now, like, I don't care who you are, I don't care if you have a $100 million company or you haven't started anything yet. The blocks have always come down to, to this topic for me. Like, I can literally trace back all the times where it's like whether you think you're not smart enough or you think you need, you know, different people in your network or strategy, that's not it at all. Because the answers are always around us. It always has come down to, do we think we're worthy of asking that.

Person for health help? Do we think we're worthy of this goal?

And I can, I can literally trace it back to all those moments. So I know that this book is really going to change things for people. But you started with saying a couple things. And in your book you say no matter what you accomplish, you're still going to take you with you everywhere you go. And this related so much to me because of, you know, always striving after accomplishments. Can you tell me a little bit more about that?

Yeah. For, you know, anyone listening to us right now, if you've ever had this like big goal or dream your whole life, right? And you thought, like, when I finally get it, then I'm going to feel happy and fulfilled and have all the friends, the things, all my problems will be solved. And for a lot of us, we've had that thing and multiple of them, right? For some of us it's like, oh, when I finally get married or have kids, kids, or when I finally get a certain number in my bank account or I finally get that certain job title or fame or six pack abs, whatever it might be, right? We all have, we all have the things. And a lot of us work so, so, so hard. Sometimes years, sometimes decades. And then, you know, for everyone listening, just to think of like one of those things you thought, right? When you finally get it then, and then you actually get it and then what happens? For most of us, we're happy for a while, sometimes a few months or weeks or hours. And before we know it, we're back to feeling like something's missing, like, like it's not enough. And so for most of us, our solution to that is like, oh, I just got to work harder. I just got to level up next level, I got to achieve more. I got to take it to the next level. And while in that pursuit of all those things, it's really important because we're building self confidence, we're building our skillset, we're grow going. We're often contributing to something greater than ourselves. To other people, all those things are so important. But all of them are only multiplied by your level of self worth to get your level of fulfillment in life and, and just to kind of really quick because this is really, this is going to be so big. And I know so many people listening especially to your show are ambitious. They feel like they're here on this earth with greatness inside of them to do great things. All the stuff, okay. I had to accomplish things beyond my wildest dreams and still arrive at it all feeling deep down inside like I wasn't enough to even start to get this life lesson. And it is very recent for me that there is a massive difference between self confidence and self worth. And we are raised in a world and again, they are both very valuable and important. But when you only have self confidence and you've only done all the things to build self confidence, but underneath it all, you do not have self worth, you will sabotage things in your life, you will stay stuck or best case, you'll get the things you hope for but never feel like it's enough. Never feel like you're enough. And so you need both. And we are in a world where everyone, including well intended family and friends and in every commercial on television and honor, you know, every ad on Instagram, everything tells us once you finally get the things, then you're going to be so happy and, and all of those things build confidence. So self confidence is really, really fast. If anyone's like, what's the difference? Because I thought they are the same, yeah, forever. I confuse self confidence with self worth. Self confidence is, while it's an internal trait, it is based on everything so much on the external. And our self confidence fluctuates, it's fragile. So it's how we assess our own skills and abilities. It's our willingness to try and go for it. It's how we feel. We stack up and compare to other people how much of the world's definition of success we have if we're winning or losing. You know, studies show the boxer who wins the fight is automatically 30% more confident. So our confidence is fragile, it fluctuates, it's up, it's down, it's all over the place. Our self worth is the deep internal knowing that we are worthy of love and belonging exactly as we are. Not as our past and our past mistakes, not as how much we're achieving, not as anything outside, but exactly as we are. And they're both very different. And if you imagine self confidence is like the house we're building with all the rooms and all the stories and all the artwork and all the things, that's the house we're building is our self confidence. But our self worth is the foundation that, that's underneath it all. And our house will only ever be as secure and as fulfilled and as enough as the foundation of self worth below it. And there is a misconception amongst really ambitious people, and I'll consider you and me in that group, there is a misconception that, well, if I think I'm enough as I am, will I lose my ambition, I lose my edge? It is actually the opposite. The more, the stronger your self worth. Oh my gosh, the more ambitious you Become like, I am more hardworking ambitious now than I've ever been. But actually building my own self worth for the first time in my life has allowed me to enjoy the stuff I'm going after. Because here's the thing you become when you have strong self worth, you become more fearless because you know, okay, if I fall flat on my face, if I fail miserably, it might shake my confidence a little bit, but it cannot touch my self worth. And you become so much more ambitious. So the two things are very different. And how someone might know if they're struggling with the self worth issue right now, if they're like hearing about this for the first time, going, oh, wait a minute, I feel like something's missing in my life.

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I feel like no matter what I achieve or how many people I please or all the accolades I get, I still feel like something's missing. It's almost always an indication that that you have a lack of self worth and it's time to build up your self worth or your identity. But it typically shows itself in three ways. And by the way, it's why I wrote Worthy, because it's like, what are the tools we can apply to our lives right now that literally build your self worth? Because it impacts every area of your life. And so when you have low self worth, it often looks like you're self stuck and you don't know why. And you might think like, oh, I want to write the book or I want to launch the business or I want to, you know, get on the dating app or whatever it is. But you're stuck. And you might be crushing it in some areas of your life, but others you're stuck in. And when you feel stuck, we often tell ourselves like, oh, I just need more experience or I need more skills or I need all these things of why we're stuck, when really the real reason is almost always because we do not believe we are worthy of the thing. And when we don't believe we're worthy of it, we will stay stuck and we won't go for it. And that's when you have low self worth. When you have low to medium self worth, what that often looks like is you'll go for the thing, you'll go for it, but then you'll sabotage it along the way. It looks like that you want a life partner and you met somebody and they're amazing and you decide to put them in the friend zone or that you're just not attracted to them. Because by the way, when it comes to self worth, we can, we only attract the level of love that reflects the level of love we have for ourselves. So when we feel unworthy at a core level, we will not be attracted to good people, we'll put them in the friend zone and we will be attracted to someone who hurts us and call it attraction to bad boys or whatever, whatever the word we give it. It looks like, you know, you start writing the book and you go, and all of a sudden you have half a manuscript done and then you stop and you don't know why. It looks like you met a really cool friend and you want new friends in your life as an adult, but then you just decide not to follow up and you don't reply to their text. We will sabotage things when we don't believe we're worthy of them and we won't know why. And then the third way it shows up is if you have medium to high self worth, you'll go for the things. You'll go, you'll accomplish it, you'll crush it, you might even make it happen at the highest level, but you'll arrive at it feeling like something's missing. Like you're not enough. It's not enough. And it becomes a never ending, perpetual cycle to nowhere. So for anyone listening for any of those three things that they've sort of like shown up in your life, that is an indication of building the need to build strong self worth. Because exactly what you just said, Lori, at the top, is like whatever you achieve, whatever level you go to, you still take you with you. And so many people don't realize and they're not even aware of or tuned into who is the you inside of you. And literally that's your identity piece. That is your identity piece. That's where self worth lives. And it is the one thing that changes everything.

Oh God, I know. You give so many, you give so many tips in the book. You even give five quick tips on helping change your self worth. But one of the things in here that I wanted to touch on was changing your relationship with rejection and failure. Because so many people, we know that this is a huge block for people they, you know, don't have a couple things that don't go well or, you know, someone, they're still stuck on something that someone told them in fifth grade or an old relationship. Or whatever that looks like. So can you tell me a little bit about how you perceive failure now? Because there's no way, Jamie, that you're. You've gotten to where you are without failing multip. Multiple times.

It's funny. So. So, Lori, there is an entire chapter in Worthy, chapter two, as you know, which is the one you're talking about, which is called when you change your relationship with rejection, you change your entire life. And it was actually going to be my third book, and. But I didn't want to wait two more years. You have to wait two years for it to come. I was like, no. Like, this has. There. Yeah. And so we made it Chapter 2 of Worthy and exactly what you said. There's even a quote in there, by the way, that I. It's how I explain this to my kids. But then I realized, wait, I need this quote just as much as them talking about how the people who succeed the most are the people who fail the most because they're the ones who try the most. And that is like, you can look across any industry, any. And you'll see that. And in building it cosmetics for my living room, I mean hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of rejections. And no after, no after, no after, no. And a lot of people see the outcome. Or maybe they're like, oh, oh, she founded it Cosmetics. They Google it and they see like, oh, wow, l' Oreal bought it for over a billion dollars cash. Like, it looks like a fairy tale. And what a lot of people don't realize is that, oh, no, we were teetering on bankruptcy for years. It was literally every person I put on a pedestal who was an expert, who ran a huge beauty retailer, retail store, a department store or online store, all of them said no and that they never thought it was going to work. And we. It was rejection after rejection after rejection. And for so many of us, we believe after we get one no. Or we fail and fall flat in our face two times, that we all of a sudden think it's some indication of the potential of our success, and it's not. And as you know, everything in life is just the meaning we attach to it.

Yes.

So in building it Cosmetics, I was going through years and years of rejection. And there was one painful rejection in particular where I was just crying myself just under my covers. And every time. And I realized every time I got rejected or failed, my first thought was always, oh, yep, there's proof I'm not enough. And what I realized is, because as human beings, we're wired to avoid Pain at all costs. If the meaning we attach to rejection or failure is painful. And for many of us it is. So like everyone listening to us right now, they, if they just imagine yourself getting rejected or failing and when you think what's the first thought you think without, without really thinking about it. But just like what's the first thought you think if you get rejected or failed? For me, most of my life, it's, yep, I'm not enough. For a lot of people it's thoughts like, I'm stupid, I shouldn't have even tried. Who do I think I am? I'm a loser, I'm never going to like on and on and on. Right when we have those thoughts, that is our current definition of rejection. Failure. That's the meaning we attach to it. And so for so many of us, it's so painful that we're going to avoid it, we're going to stay stuck, we're not going to go for the thing, we're going to hold back, we're going to play it small. And in this book I go through a four part framework on exactly what I did to go from getting hundreds of failures, like hundreds of rejections and failures, to reframing all of them and literally deciding like, I decided. I remember this day under my covers, Lori, after this, like the most painful rejection. I remember that day Googling everyone I admired most in business, thought leaders, people that have changed the world. It like helped heal the world through love. Like just Googling all of them and reading their stories and realizing like, oh, every single one of them has had countless rejections and failures. They're just the brave ones willing to keep going anyways. And that day I wrote out, rejection is not meant to, I'm not enough. Rejection means I'm one of the brave ones willing to keep going anyways. It's a victory. And that day I decided to start building a toolbox of new definitions of new meanings that are empowering and inspiring that I'm going to attach and decide rejection and failure mean. And I literally and I retrain my brain, I rewired my neural pathways and every time I started getting rejection, my first default would be to go back to yeah, I'm not enough and start. But then I would intercept it and I would literally intentionally go, no, no, no, I know this to be true. This is a thick. This rejection is a victory. It means I'm one of the brave ones willing to go for it. I'm not going to sit on the sidelines of life living in regret like this rejection is a victory, like, and I literally believe that. And I started accumulating these new definitions, right? Rejections, God's protection, all of these things I know in my soul to be true. And then I took it to another level and this is where it hits our self worth. The third level in the four part framework I go into and worthy about rejection is to revisit past rejections and failures. Because so many of us have people that have hurt us, have let us down. Maybe it's in our childhood, they did not love us the way we needed to be loved. It could be in our adult life, someone that just shattered and broke our heart. It could be a recent thing with a friend who pulled the rug out from underneath us or a partner who totally betrayed our trust. Or it could be, you know, a job we really wanted and they didn't see our value, we didn't get it or something, you know, like we didn't get invited to the party, a friend didn't include us. There's so many ways we get rejected and a lot of times when we have a lot of, you know, or we let ourselves down by the way, right, we, we feel like we hurt someone else, we failed, we made so many mistakes. And when all those things happen, they of course hurt our confidence in the short term. But when we let them actually take root and instead of going oh, I failed, we start to think I'm a failure or oh, I was rejected or failed so many times, I'm a reject, I'm a failure, I'm unwanted. That's when it takes root and shifts away in our self worth. And so in the book and Worthy I go into the four part framework on how to revisit any of these things and literally redefine them and reattach a new meaning to things that have already happened in the past. And this is huge because it literally, when you do this in your life, it almost feels like weights of these labels, like start to, like you're breaking free of them. It tastes like freedom. And you know, and I have a whole toolbox of how I do this in my life that has helped me become fearless over rejection or over failure. You know, even to this day. Lori, let's just say I have a friend that doesn't invite me to something and I'm, it really hurts my feelings or someone just doesn't see my value or whatever it might be. Instead of me thinking like, oh, I'm not enough, all the things.

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Will assign a new meaning to it that I believe in my soul and know is true. And I will literally like one of my favorite ones is I'll imagine God saying to me, oh you weren't rejected. I hid your value from them because they're not assigned to your destiny. And I'll believe it. And so, and so if you and I are hanging out and someone's there and they don't like me, like you know, instantly I'll be like oh yeah. And it's, it's so, it's so instant for me now. It's such a habit now I'll instantly just tell myself to myself, oh yeah, God's blocking my value from them because they're not assigned to my destiny. And that is how I do not let it take root. It's how I, I, I, I, I put all the tools in to build my self worth. I don't let it chip away at my identity. So you know, for anybody, and by the way, you, me, anyone else who's ever built anything, I guarantee you they've gone through so Many rejections and failures. And what I love and honor so much about you. What I try to do as well is to share these and help people feel less alone and more enough because they happen to all of us. But I guarantee you right now, there's going to be so many people sitting here listening to us that are having an aha moment, realizing, oh, wow, you know, I have been doubting myself out of my own destiny. I've been assigning so much, you know, pain to the fear of rejection and failure. I thought I am a reject or a failure. And this will be a big breakthrough because when you implement these tools again. I know we started with this concept that everything in life's the meaning we attach to it. You have the power to attach new meaning, right? And similarly to. To your worth, like, the most beautiful thing is that, that this isn't a foreign language. You'll have to learn, like literally right now, every person listening, it does not matter your past mistakes, it doesn't matter your past failures, it doesn't matter any of that. You're you right now, exactly as you are, are fully worthy. Nobody can give that to you or take it away like you are. And it's all about unlearning the lies that have you believing you're not. And that's what's so beautiful about this journey. But it is the most powerful journey I believe each of us are on in our lifetime is learning to believe we are worthy of. Of stepping into all of who we are and, and all of our potential and, and the person that we're truly born to be, which is just fully us. We've just learned to not be fully us in this lifetime.

Oh, Jamie, there are so many things in this book, as I was going through it, like you had just said, the learning, the unlearning of all the lies, and you list out a ton of different lies that are so common that I hear all of the time from women that I have told myself. Other things that are in here, you guys, because I'm just going to leave them with cliffhangers because it is so good. Other things in here that I loved was talking about authenticity and inauthenticity in business and how we do how to be authentic in business and how that just attracts all of the right people to you. I really loved when you talked about confusing approval with love. That one hit me in such a big way. And you guys, she even talks about a small stint where she went to jail. And it's a shame busting story, you guys so if you have anything that you're feeling kind of shameful about. Jamie, I don't know if you know this, but I didn't graduate high school and forever that held me back. And you have so many stories in here that if I would have gotten this book even 10 years ago, this would have helped me move so much faster. So I know it's gonna just help so many people and I to do a book giveaway. So you guys, for Jamie, because this book is out February 20th and she is. You're donating all the proceeds, correct?

A hundred percent? Yep, a hundred percent. You and I talked about this offline, right? Right before. There's stuff I've never shared in here and stuff I pulled out of this book and added it back in because I just know there are so many people who feel like their past disqualifies them from success or from their future. They feel like where they come from or their past regrets or mistakes or any of that, you know, somehow limits them from where they can go. And. Or maybe there's stuff that there's shame that people been holding on to. And I think it's so easy in this day and age to Google people and say, oh, they have it all together or they can't understand, you know, some of the stuff I've gone through. And so, yeah, there's some real stuff I share in here about, about mistakes in my past, about. About the kind of people I was attracted to because I didn't believe I was worthy, the kind of mistakes that I've made, the kind of impact low self worth has had on my life. And, and I wanted to share it because when people just Google my story and they think, oh wow, she, you know, created a billion dollar business and you know, but knowing that every one of us, often most of us have gone through times we're ashamed of, times are embarrassed, times we make mistakes, times that if we don't share these things together, we get tempted to think that we're alone in them, need to hide them, and are somehow not qualified to go after our dreams. And you know, when you have low self worth, and I have had low self worth most of my life, I have not believed in myself most of my life. There are stories I share, by the way. Even after I sold my business for a billion dollars was on the Forbes list, but all the the world was telling me every measure of success I had and I was still sabotaging things because deep down inside I didn't believe I was worthy of that them. So I Share what that looks like in here with the intention of, like. Like, ever since I sabotaged stuff, even after, after achieving every measure of worldly success I knew of, that was when I realized, oh, wow, I have a lot of confidence, but I. But I don't have self worth. And, you know, three years ago, I became obsessed with studying self worth and with learning to build the tools of how to build it in my life. But, you know, when we don't believe we're enough as we are and we have some self worth to build, like, approval, like, we get confused. We get confused and approval starts looking like love and significance starts looking like, you know, success and outward praise starts looking like worthiness. And none of those three things are. And so I know you're giving away some books. I'm so excited about that. Thank you. But this is like, this is the thing. And whether someone is just like, oh, I just want to level up in my business, okay, you want to double your success, you double your self worth. That is how you start. You want to double your net worth, you double your self worth. Like, literally, it is the one thing that will change everything in your life because. And I know we started out the combo, the conversation this way, but that in life, you don't get what you want, you get what you believe you're worthy of. It is the thing. It is the thing that impacts every area of your life. Anyways, I'm excited. Thank you for all the teases. Yeah, there's so. There's so many good chapters in here. There's, there's.

I know I had, I had two notes of. Two pages of notes that I was like, we're never gonna get to a.

Quarter of this, but we're gonna try.

All right.

No, I'm, I'm so excited. I think this is gonna be one of those game changing books. I already know that it is. Like I said, you guys, her last book was so incredible, and this one is no different. And I'm already obsessed with it. I have not totally finished it yet, but I can't wait because there's nothing better than having a great book to get to read tomorrow morning. So, you guys, we are going to do a book giveaway. I am going to give away a free book to the first 20 people who share this.

All you have to do is tag.

Jamie and tag myself. So, Jamie, what's your Instagram handle for everyone?

Yeah, it's at Jamie Kern Lima. At Jamie Kern Lima on Instagram. Yeah.

Okay, so tag Jamie, tag myself, and let her know what your biggest takeaway was from this podcast. So the more you guys share, I'm going to send the first 20 people a book. And then that also helps this book get out because she is donating all of this, you guys, and it's just gonna. You should buy them for all of your friends as well, because it's going to change their lives. And I know I'm going to be giving them to some of my friends, too. So, Jamie, I'm so grateful for you. Anything else that you want to share? Any last thing you know?

Thank you so much, Larry. My big ask with everyone is when you get your book, when you get your copy of Worthy, literally exactly what you just said is, when you're done with it, give it to another woman. Give it to another person. When I think about how 80% of us don't believe we're enough. Like, literally the time for change has come. No girl, no woman, no person left behind and knowing they're worthy. And Lori, in the very back of the book, I did an old school in the hardcover one. It's just. Okay. Library card, Remember? Like, old school library. Yeah, of course. My vision is that, you know, for every person who gets their book, like, when you're done with it, write your name, that library card, write the name of another person and pass your book on to them. If you've made so many notes that you don't want to give your book up, then if you gift one to someone, write your name in it and then give. Give that to them in the library card. I just have this dream of it pass from person to person. Like, every one of us collectively can create a movement out of this where. Where. Where girls and women and people learn to believe they're worthy. And that is. That is when the world changes.

Amazing. I'm so grateful for you. I know that you have made such a huge impact in my life, and I just feel like because of you, I truly feel like anything is possible. And that is the biggest gift you can ever give to someone. I know that gift is going to be given through this book. So you guys make sure you go, follow me. Let her know what your biggest takeaway was. Give her a tag, and I will be reaching out and sending you a book. Okay, until next time, everyone, earn your happy.

Bye. Bye.